“America? How are you doing? No, really, how are you doing?
I mean, how are you doing aside from being a country that’s just reintroduced
concentration camps, taken health care away from 17 million people to give
billionaires a tax cut, and also to finance an armed militia of masked men that
commits heinous assorted kidnappings and crimes against humanity on a daily
basis. Aside from all that, are you okay? I wouldn’t have thought so … I split
my time between New York City, here in the United States and Scotland, my
homeland … Yes, I am an immigrant from Scotland. Are you scared of me? I am
taking an American’s job right now. But don’t worry, according to ICE I’m one
of the good ones … Tonight’s show is all about superheroes. Not only are the
Fantastic Four here as I said, but some of you may also remember me as
Nightcrawler from the X-Men.
Of course, these superhero movies are only pretend, but I
happen to believe there are actual superheroes in real life who walk among us.
And these superheroes are called trans people, because just like superheroes
trans people are both with something special and magical about them, and they
often have to hide what’s special and magical about them from other people.
Like superheroes they grow up in a society that doesn’t understand them, that
makes them the other and often hates them. Like superheroes, trans people just
want the world to be a safer place. And they believe we should protect each
other and live our lives in peace. Like superheroes, evil billionaires want to
get rid of trans people for no fucking reason whatsoever. And just like
superheroes, trans people are not new. They’ve been around forever and they’re
not going anywhere, no matter how much this administration tries to make you
fear them.
There is no evidence that trans people are a threat to
women. There is, however, ample evidence that the President of the United
States publicly brags about barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms and
grabbing women by their pussies. Wake up, America! Come on, millions of
Americans are obsessed with his idea that trans people are attacking women in
bathrooms. Do you know what trans people do in the bathroom? They poop and they
pee. And I’m sure they always wash their hands afterwards. And why on Earth, this
is what gets me, why on Earth would a rapist go to the bother of pretending to
be trans in a country that actually treats rapists better than trans people?
Do think anyone in [The Felon’s] Administration could
actually name two trans people … here in America the amount of hate crimes
against trans people has risen hugely in the last year. And in Los Angeles,
they’re up by 125%. Another surprising statistic? Our sitting president is a
million percent more likely to be on the Epstein list than any trans
person. So let’s not pretend that we’ve got our eye on the ball when it comes
to sexual violence, OK, America? And how dare this president make random,
unfounded accusations of sexual criminality against trans people when he was
literally ordered to pay $83 million to a woman who accused him of
sexual assault. It’s the pot calling the kettle black after trying to grab its
handle in the changing room of a T.J. Maxx.
Trans people are far more likely to be victims of sexual
assault or violence than be the perpetrators. Now, I know that some of you
don’t want to look at trans people but, please America, at least force
yourselves to look at the facts. There is no epidemic of attacks committed by
trans people. But do you know how many people are killed every year by gun
violence in this country? Over 46,000. And you’re worried about pronouns.
Everyone in this country’s pronouns should be gun and control … [And] to people
who repeatedly attack the trans community, why; why do you care so much? Why
are you so upset by what other people do to their bodies in order to be happy?
If it’s okay for the Kardashians and Elon Musk, shouldn’t it be okay for trans
people? …
Even as an atheist I am a big fan of Jesus, I really am. I
mean, what’s not to like? A tall, gorgeous man with great abs and flowing hair getting
his feet washed by prostitutes and encouraging people to love their neighbors,
all the while slaying in a loose caftan. And Jesus was an immigrant, by the
way, let’s not forget. Jesus would have loved trans people. He changed water
into wine. Is that not itself an act of transition? And you know how I know
Jesus would have loved trans people? Because he loved people. He loved all people.
And so of course he would love trans people and all queer people. I mean, Jesus
was followed around at all times by twelve hot single guys. All of them also
sporting caftans. You do the math. Jesus loved The Gays, America, deal with it.
The only thing our current president has in common with Jesus is that they both
owe their careers to their dads.
But seriously, just take a moment to realize what it must
feel like to be a trans person in America today. Our government has legislated
that trans people do not exist. It is trying to erase them completely. Imagine
having to stockpile your essential life-saving medicine because your president
might cut off access to it for no other reason than it makes him look strong to
his base. If a government is going to declare that a whole group of people
shouldn’t exist why can’t it be a truly dangerous group of people like those
who take their socks and shoes off on airplanes and then go into the bathrooms?
Why can’t it be people that use leaf blowers at unearthly hours of the morning?
Why can’t it be unkind people? Which brings us back to Jesus.
Jesus just wanted us all to be kind. That’s all. So, for once
America, I beg you, let’s all really try to give kindness a go. Like my little
mom says it doesn’t cost anything to be kind. And I guarantee that any
situation you find yourself in will go a little better with kindness. Now,
speaking of kindness, despite this government’s slashing of funds for all
things LGBTQ+, there are a number of great organizations out there still helping
the queer and trans community, including The Trevor Project, P-Flag National, and
Trans Lifeline. Please call them if you
need them and support them if you’re able. Thank you so much for listening.”
