The Funny Papers

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s ain't got nuthin' on Stewart and Paltrow.

Yup, the Rich White Lady feud goes on. As y'all remember, back in October, Martha Stewart published a Thanksgiving pie recipe in her Martha Stewart Living magazine called Conscious Coupling. 

Well, Gwyneth has yanked her hoops out her ears and fired back by posting a recipe called Jailbird Cake to GOOP.

Next up, Martha's Jennifer-Lawrence-Is-A-Tart-Who’s-Banging-Your-Ex-Husband, followed soon by Paltrow's Orange Is The New Black Forest Cake.

Rich bitch feuds are funny.

So, Kyle Chrisley — son of reality TV matriarch patriarch Todd Chrisley — has told Life & Style that Daddy is definitely gay:

“All the people he calls his best friends in the world…they’re gay. I used to work with him at Chrisley Asset Management. If one of the asset managers was going to take a piss, he would say, ‘You want me to come hold it for you?’”

The gay rumors are nothing new since a handful of former employees ALLEGE that Daddy Chrisley used to regularly comment on the size of their junk, and would invite make employees to, ahem, "jerk off’ with him in the restroom;" Daddy has also been accused of inappropriately touching employees, and making sexual gestures toward subordinates.

Asked to comment on his son's latest allegations, Todd instead let a rep speak for him:

"[Todd] is not concentrating on the words that Kyle is saying, but rather on getting him the necessary psychiatrist and medical care he so desperately needs.” 

Snap. Sonny says daddy’s a 'mo, and daddy says sonny is crazy. Lovely family, no?

No.

Onto Lohan ... Since things seem to be going so well for Lindsay in London — she's actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible — rumor has it that she's ready to ply her trade — not that trade — in Hollywood again.

A source close to Lohan — set down the Chardonnay and take a bow, Dina — says that when Speed-The-Plow wraps next week, Lohan will be heading back to the big screen in a trio of star turns:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

Well, according to IMDB, those "star turns" are in films like a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. And her co-stars are listed as "Starbucks barista" and "GAP shirt-folder."

Yeas, she's making a comeback—

Comeback?!!? I hate that word: It's a return!

Who’s the bigger queen, Elizabeth, or William and Kate?

With Duchess Kate and Prince William coming to the US in a couple of weeks, the British Monarchy has sent out a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. So, if you even think about asking Kate a question while wearing a GAP t-shirt, or some kind of Sears schmata, think again because you will not be allowed anywhere near royalty.

Here’s what you need to know — direct from the Palace:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family. Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Turned away is Brit-speak for hauled off to the Tower of London where you will be beheaded.

Leave those Reeboks at home, y’all, it ain’t worth dying over.

So, when last we left Halle Berry, she was trying to have her child support payments to ex-baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, cut from 16K a month to just 3K because she says Gabriel’s living off her dough. But, the judge in the case told Halle to take a seat and rethink both her lawsuit and her recent career choices — Extant, anyone — but Halle ain’t playing.

Now, she’s filed another suit because she says Gabriel is … wait for it … it borders on child abuse … straightening and lightening their daughter Nahla’s hair.

Oh.The.Humanity. In the court papers — and, seriously, to Halle Berry this is a lawsuit — Halle claims that Gabriel has denied dyeing Nahla’s hair, so Halle cut a piece out and sent it to a lab for testing. Halle says she noticed a difference in her daughter’s hair when Nahla returned from a visit to Gabriel in August 2013, saying: 

"Gabriel continues to maintain that he has done and is doing nothing to cause the extensive straightening, color changes, stripping and damaging of our daughter’s hair. [But] I have personally observed the changes in Nahla’s hair texture and color over the last year. I have never personally experienced hair damage nor have I ever known a single person whose hair has suffered such excessive changes from spending time in a salt water pool (or even chlorinated water) and sunlight."

Then Halle offered up ‘before and after’ photos of Nahla to the court and said:

"I have since reviewed the laboratory report concerning this very hair sample that I obtained, which confirms to me that Gabriel has not been truthful about what he has done and had been doing to our daughter’s hair. I continue to worry about the potential psychological and physical damage to Nahla that can be caused by the use of chemical hair treatments and the psychological message that it conveys to Nahla, and to implore the court to put a stop to Gabriel’s attempts to alter our daughter’s appearance and most probably cause her to wonder why her natural appearance is not good enough."

Apparently Halle’s lawyer actually claimed that Gabriel is trying to make Nahla look white — okay, that’s what TMZ says, though Halle’s own words seem to suggest it, too — and a judge actually ordered Gabriel to stop changing Nahla’s hair. But, he’s also ordered Halle to stop futzing with their daughter’s appearance, too.

Seriously? Maybe Nahla asked her Daddy to fix her hair, and maybe she didn’t. Did anyone ask her? Or did they just file a lawsuit? A hair injunction? I think Halle needs to get a hobby, and by hobby I mean anything that doesn’t involve her suing her daughter’s father every other week.

Random Musings ... A Day Late

A day late because yesterday was a day for just Carlos and me … and the kids.

Nice holiday, gorgeous, but cold, weather, and a delicious meal, our first Thanksgiving as Husband-and-Husband.

Carlos made his Martha Stewart Turkey and Homemade Cranberry Sauce with a Pumpkin Cheesecake for dessert; I did wine — cuz I loves me some wine — Roasted Brussel Sprouts with Garlic, Red Onion and Pancetta, Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes, and Vanilla Whipped Cream for the cheesecake.

It was a lovely, happy day.So, what else has been on my mind …

Just thought I start off musing about our kids, clockwise from top left:

Tuxedo, the most gorgeous, and smartest, cat ever, followed by Miss Consuelo Roca-Jones, quite the diva — she makes me pale by comparison; followed by MaxGoldberg, of the Boca Raton Goldbergs, a retired Jewish accountant from the Sunshine state; then the lone canine, Ozzo, looking like he’s begging for a doggie brother or sister.

Nothing says Christmas like hate, at least in Uganda.

Abdu Latif Ssebagala, a Ugandan lawmaker who helped draft the country's revised anti-gay law is hoping to have the bill passed this year as a "Christmas gift" for Ugandans:

"The draft is ready and we have strengthened the law, especially in areas of promotion and luring children. Next week we expect to meet the speaker to fix a date for the re-tabling to parliament."

In Uganda, nothing says Happy Holidays like Kill The Gays.

I’m hooked on Jesse J. She has kind of a Jolie-thing going on and she can Bang Bang.

Plus her boyfriend, Luke James, is kinda hot.

Just sayin’.

Last week we talked Carlos’ hair. He was trying to grow it and every day it took on a new persona; yes, he went from Bieber to Jackson to Bob’s Big Boy in the space of a day and a half.

Then I came home one day to find that he’d gotten a haircut, and, well, this is what that looked like … without the tiny mustache, of course:

With a little manipulation, and some product of course, because we’re gay, not animals, it looked like this:

Much better … plus I have the hots for Ralph Fiennes, even as a Nazi, but I was afraid to leave the house whilst Carlos looked like Adolf.

I loved hearing the news reports that Brad and Angie had a big blowout ... some reports called it "explosive" ... in Australia, with pictures of the two of them on a balcony.

Yeah, that's a blowout all right. Maybe they should stop by my house and I'll show them what an explosive blowout looks like.

Plus, do they really think that we think Brad and Angie are so perfect that they have never fought? Grow up.

Look at that!

Mississippi and Arkansas welcomed Marriage Equality this week, meaning that I can travel to the state where I was born — I am a Mississippi boy — and get same-sex married.

Who knew?

Darren Wilson says he is sorry for the shooting Michael Brown to death, but he has a "clean conscience" about what happened and would not do anything differently today.

Hmmm, not a thing differently? You wouldn’t even try to something different so that unarmed man wouldn’t die?

Nice, Darren. You need to go away now, far away.

You know, while watching the news one day I came across White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

Hot.

And here’s the song that’s running through the loop in my head this week. Opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and “The Heart Is Slow To Learn.”

It almost makes me weep … almost.

Would You Hit It?

Adam Lambert, a runner-up on American Idol, who is actually a bigger star than the guy, er, whats-his-name, who won Idol that year.

And, I may be wrong, but isn't that whats-his-name behind Lambert, asking for some coins? I dunno, because that's neither here nor there.

Would.You.Hit.It?

Yes or No.

I Didn't Say It ...

Michael Sam, in GQ Magazine, on coming out:

“If I had it my way, I never would have [come out] the way I did, never would have told it the way I did. I would have done the same thing I did at Mizzou. Which was to tell my team and my coaches and leave it at that. But since I did tell my team, word got out.  ... But the recruiters knew, and reporters knew, and they talked to each other, and it got out. If I didn't have the year I did, nobody would have cared. But I did have that year. And a lot of people knew. Someone was gonna ask me, 'I heard you told your team a secret.…' Well, I was comfortable with who I was, and I wouldn't have denied it. And then I wouldn't have been able to control the story. But I have no regrets. Some people can argue that I had the potential to go higher in the draft. But I think everything happens for a reason. It looks good to see me in the position I'm in now, because I can show the world how good I am and rise up the ranks. I'm at the bottom now. I can rise up, show I'm a football player. Not anything else. Just a football player."

As I like to say, he isn't a gay football player, he's a football player who is gay.

Amy Schumer, on Joan Rivers:

"I only met Joan Rivers once, but I carried her with me for as long as I can remember. The first time I heard Joan was in the move Spaceballs. She was brash and hilarious and just hearing the voice coming from that gold robot put this crazy idea in my head: that I could use my voice, too. When I filmed my first standup special in 2007 I had to fight to get a joke past the censors. The joke was, 'I'm at the age where my friends are having kids and the way they tell me that they’re pregnant is by taking us all out to brunch and saying, 'You guys? I'm keeping this one.' And I thought I was pretty edgy for doing such a dark joke in what is still an unforgiving time for women who exercise their right to choose. It wasn't until a year later that I watched a clip of Joan on The Tonight Show and she was doing a joke of a similar nature. She spoke of a friend of hers who'd gotten fourteen appendectomies in Puerto Rico ... I laughed out loud. The truth and the pain and the way she said it cut like a knife. When she performed that joke on television it was the early 70s. Think about that. She stuck her neck out at a dangerous time; she couldn't even say the word abortion on television. Now, I’m not going to say how big of balls she had to say that joke on the air, because she has taught us time and time again that having balls has nothing to do with it ...Joan was the bravest of all.  Joan always got blasted for being mean, but she had the guts to make fun of herself more than anybody. ... I loved a lot of funny women ... Gilda, Carol Burnett, and Lucy, too, but I spoke up in class ... because of that first voice I heard coming from that golden robot. She wasn't just a woman or a person. She was a comic, and wanted to be treated as such. I'm sure this speech would annoy her. She didn't want to be given credit for aspiring women. She wanted to be known as a great comedian. And, she was." 

Yes, she was. I like to consider myself a little like Joan because I say what’s on my mind, and I will make that joke that some might think inappropriate. But it’s my mind, my mouth, my joke.

Thank Joan for that.

LeAnn Rimes comparing herself to her stepson:

“I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’”

And y’all thought Cinderella have a Wicked Stepmother.

By the way, there are no known photos of LeAnn tying her own shoes because they don't make lace-ups for cloven hooves.

Linda Harvey, “ex-gay” wingnut, on a Christmas gift for your favorite teen or college student struggling with their sexuality:

“If you were wondering what to get your teen or college student for Christmas, how about giving them the gift of common sense and morality? This is the way many people have described my book, Maybe He’s Not Gay: Another View On Homosexuality. Same-sex relationships are not what anyone was born for yet there are reasons why people get there and even more reasons why they can leave those feelings behind.”

Linda? Honey? Nutjob? By the time your youngsters get to be teens or college students they know they’re gay, they’ve probably had some gay experiences, and your little Hate Book won’t change that.

Maybe you should take a seat now.

Robbie Rogers, openly gay soccer star, on being a role model:

"I realized that just by playing and being on the soccer field, that's a symbol right there, and that can encourage and give people hope. It was really those kids inspiring me that was kind of like my final decision — I need to sack up, I need to go back into soccer.'" 

The very kids for whom he is a role model, were role models to him for returning to soccer after coming out.

That’s progress.

Give. Thanks.

I first posted this back in Ott-Eight,  and decided to edit it a bit and repost it today, to kind of remind me of where I was then, what I thought then, and what I wanted out of life; the more things change the more they stay the same.

Not to brag, but I've been told that I am an extremely polite person. I was raised on Please and Thank You, Yes Ma'am, No Sir, and I still act that way today.

True story: I was selected for jury duty back when we lived in Miami and when they were questioning us in the courtroom, it was my turn to stand. Well, it was a narrow aisle, so I put my hands behind my back, and as the judge and the lawyers began to ask their questions, I always answered Yes sir, No Sir.

The judge stopped for a second and smiled. "Are you in the military?" he asked.

"No, sir" I said. "I was raised by a military man and a Southern woman."

True story: A few years before that, while living in California, I was in a grocery store buying a birthday cake for a co-worker. I asked if I may please order a cake. May I please have a name iced onto it? I pleased and thank you'd my way through the ordering process and finally the girl left to go in the back and finish my order. But then, just before disappearing to that back room, she turned around and said to me, "I think you are the most polite person I've ever waited on."

I smiled and said, "Could you just shut up and ice my damn cake!"

When all else fails slip into sarcasm. That's my motto. But I digress.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, probably because there are no gifts involved, except for the gift of time; time spent with loved ones and friends; the gift of thanks. This is a day of thanks for Americans; a truly American holiday, like 4th of July, but one we celebrate not with picnics and beer, firecrackers and sparklers, but with a meal we share with loved ones, friends and family.

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

Yes, the usual family and friends and health and happiness, blah blah blah, everyone says that. But I am also thankful that we are an America on the verge of a new day, when we are all, even those of us under the LGBT balloon, considered more equal than we have been in the past.

Fourteen years ago, Carlos and I couldn’t be legally married anywhere in this country, and here we are now, married, legally, in South Carolina and 34 other states and the District of Columbia. I never saw that coming, but I am so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the years I had with my sister — and missing her every single day — because of the things she taught me, and continues to teach me. I am thankful that I could see her, and feel her, alongside my Mom as Carlos and I stood in a courtroom and said, “I do.” I could feel all that love, and for that I am always thankful.

I am grateful to her four daughters, all of whom she raised so well that when Carlos and I told them we were getting married, they all responded, “Now he really is our Uncle.”

I am thankful for my Dad. He didn’t ask for a gay son, but he got one; he didn’t know what to do with a gay son, but he did the best he could. And, when the time came to marry Carlos, and we decided to go west to Washington to do it, it made my Dad’s day. I think he was more excited than we were, more proud that we were doing it. I wish every gay person could have a Dad like mine, who sees that change is good, and sees that not everyone is the same — even in your own family — but who loves you all just the same.

I am thankful for cold mornings and blue skies.

I am thankful for small dogs and cats because, well, I'm bigger than them and I will always beat them. Just channeling Joan Crawford and Christina at the pool.

I am thankful for......Carlos. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about how lucky I am to have him; even the days when he makes me insane …. More insane? … I realize I’d rather be driven nuts by him than not to have him at all. I am thankful for the smirk he gives me; I am thankful for the look of horror on his face when I bust out in a showtune; I am just plain thankful. I don’t know where I’d be, or who I’d be, if I hadn’t met him all those years ago.

I am thankful to my Mom, especially today. Thanksgiving was always her holiday; cooking for her family was my mother’s greatest joy and a great gift to all of us. I am thankful that I can keep that tradition alive, and can see my Mom in that.

I am thankful for leaves changing color and drifting to the ground on a breeze.

I am thankful for music and pets and soft blankets and breathing and speaking, and having a voice when I speak.

I am thankful for thinking being feeling loving living.

For Life.

And all it encompasses.

To Life.

Thanks.

Architecture Wednesday: Butte Residence

I don’t know much about this house, but I know there’s a lot of land attached to it: 38-acres to be exact.

Thirty-eight acres on a butte in Jackson, Wyoming overlooking the confluence of the Snake and Gros Ventre Rivers, with panoramic views of the Teton Mountain Range and National Parks.

The house itself seems suited to the land, all 7,600 square feet—in addition to a separate artist’s studio—of it, with the gentle curves of the roofline, and the use of wood and stone; not to mention glass, since there seems to be a breathtaking view from each and every room.

But I keep going back to thirty-eight acres and, in the horror movie that runs like a loop through my mind, the thought that, in Wyoming, on 38 acres, no one can hear you scream.

But at least it’s pretty …

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