Saturday, July 21, 2018

It's Snarkurday!


Like a certain president, Harvey Weinstein does not know when to shut his piehole and simply read the prepared statement. He’s now claiming #FakeNews to a story that he admitted to giving women roles in his films in exchange for sex. But if you listen to his story, he kinda admits it’s true:
“I was born poor, ugly, Jewish and had to fight all my life to get somewhere … no girl looked at me until I made it big in Hollywood. Yes I did offer them acting jobs in exchange for sex, but so did and still does everyone. But I never, ever forced myself on a single woman.”
He doesn’t seem to get it that telling a woman she has to allow you to get naked and put your cheese-filled body on top of hers and rub your wee willie into her nether regions so she can act in one of your films is kinda forcing a woman to do that very thing; especially when you throw in that “You’ll never work in this town again” business.

The moral: Harvey Weinstein is a pig who’s yet to realize he’s a pig.

Maybe prison will help?
Remember when it was rumored that Ewan McGregor was bumping uglies with his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead? And then Ewan admitted he was cheating on his wife? And then he and Mary Elizabeth went public with their affair? And then Winstead broke things off because the press called her a “homewrecker” which is what you call someone who has an affair with a married person and, ahem, wrecks their home? And then Ewan filed for divorce from Eve Mavrakis, his wife of 22 years, and Winstead decided that she wouldn’t be labeled a “homewrecker” any more and went back to Ewan.

Well, Ewan’s 22-year-old daughter, Clara, that’s her up there coming between the lovebirds, decided that Winstead should still wear the Scarlet A and has been trolling the actress on social media. Clara sipped some tea and then dashed over to an Instagram fan page for Mary Elizabeth and commented:
“Most beautiful and talented woman on earth? … Oh man y’all are delusional. The girl is a piece of trash…x”. 
I love the little ‘x’ at the end because it says so much more than ‘kisses’.
It looks like the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps should have gone to Not Being A Terrible Mother Rehab after she got out of Drunk In Public Rehab.

Luann is now being sued by her ex-husband, Still-A-Count Alexandre de Lesseps and their two children, Victoria and Noel. The three claim that as part of the 2009 divorce settlement, Luann was supposed to have set up a trust for the kids, and when she sold the family home in Water Mill was to put half that money in the trust.

But they say Luann kept the cash for herself … because booze and lawyers don’t come cheap.

Maybe I spoke too soon? The minute I finished writing that snark, I learned that the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps has checked herself back into rehab and will not be at the Real Housewives reunion.

Luann, who has also been accused this month of having an affair with her married manager, will be absent from the show, leaving former foe, former frenemy, and current bestie Bethenny “Never One To Stop Talking” Frankel to speak for her—apparently Frankel has added spokesperson to the SkinnyGirl empire:
“This weekend, Luann was surrounded by her girlfriends and decided—with their support—that in light of recent circumstances, it is the healthiest choice for her not to attend Tuesday’s reunion taping so that she can continue in her healing process. Luann is now surrounded by a core group of people who truly have her best interests at heart and who are working to make sure she gets the help she needs.”
That’s mighty brave … of Bethenny. I mean, it was an entire paragraph and she didn’t mention her contentious divorce, her custody battle, her dead friendship with Carole, or SkinnyGirl, even once.
Last week, Blake Shelton was performing in concert and announced to the crowd that his guitarist had embarrassed himself in front of 200,000 people by playing the wrong song.

Then, as Shelton does, he embarrassed himself because he fell onstage; he didn’t trip, y’all, he just tumbled. And then said:
“And yes I had been drinking. A lot…”
Boy, I love spending my hard-earned coins from my job as a Walmart greeter to plunk down a hundred bucks to see some drunk guy fall down onstage. I mean, why not save some cash, buy a fifth of bourbon, play Blake’s music in my living room and drink till I pass out.

It’d be the same thing. Amirite?
I’ve often said I’d marry Matt Lauer just so I could walk away a multi-millionaire when he gets caught being a sexual predator, but that bitch Annette Roque beat me to the punch.

Last I heard, Annette was said to be walking away from Pervy Lauer with four of the family homes and cash winnings of $20 million. Well, the divorce is settled, and it appears that Annette has won $50 million in cash and prizes … a horse farm, a house in the Hamptons, two other homes, and over $25 million in unmarked bills.

The best news? Lauer is said to be furious about the deal because Annette is getting half of his estimated fortune of $100 million.

Oh, Matty, you should’a kept your dick in your pants, your mouth shut and your hands to yourself. Ass.
This is filed under the You Knew What You Were Getting When You Started Dating a Kardastrophe, AKA the Stop Acting Stoopid file.

Younes Bendjima, Kourtney Kardastrophe’s boyfriend, got his panties in a bunch when he began taking a stroll through his media whore girlfriend’s social media pages and discovered Kourtney loves to show her ass on the internet.

And.He.Was.Shocked. He saw the photo and commented:
“That’s what you need to show to get likes?”
No, that’s what she needs to show so That Woman will cut her a check every month because her only job is as a social media nude model.
And lastly, let’s end with one of the dumbest people I’ve ever heard of: Wiz Khalifa.

Apparently, he was on some chat show and said that a straight man should never eat a whole banana in public because it’s “sus,” meaning “suspect”, meaning it looks like he has a dick in his mouth.

Seriously. Um, Wiz, eating a banana whole does not make you gay. Taking a banana and shoving it up your ass might mean your gay, though, so be careful about that. M’kay?

8 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

Think _______ will put a tariff on bananas?

Deedles said...

First of all, the dogs' mother is so ladylike and understatedly funny! Love her!

Secondly, I need to get your hilariously gross description of Harvey pig rutting out of my head if I ever want to have sex with BH again!

Thirdly, why does everyone call a mistress the home wrecker? She wasn't the one in the marriage relationship, he was! It was up to him to keep it in his pants. He chose to wreck his own marriage! I'm sorry, but this has always bothered me.

Gee whiz Khalifa, can you be any more ignorant? I've always felt that bananas are a little too soft to be used as a metaphor for oral. Try sucking on a cucumber fella!

Helen Lashbrook said...

Come on, bananas? I get not eating bananas cos you don't like them, but to not eat them because you think someone might find them a trifle phallic? You need your head examined whoever you are.

mistress maddie said...

" put your cheese-filled body on top of hers and rub your wee willie into her nether regions" Now that is one ugly visual I didn't need today...thank Bob!!!


All these housewives are going to end up a bunch of broke ass bitches because of their own dramas. I've only ever seen two shows of which seasons I couldn't ell ya, except Nj. I rather watch a bunch of chickens in a barnyard, it would be less noise.

Bob Slatten said...

@Deedles
I agree, the spouses are homewreckers, too.

anne marie in philly said...

the worthless garbage really stinks this week, bob.

Jennifer said...

Hehe! My husband takes two bananas to work every single day, because they're easy to eat on the go and he likes them. I'm certain he couldn't care less what it looks like! He wouldn't care if someone thought he might be gay, either. He has (and has had) lots of gay male friends in his life. It's nice when straight guys are totally secure in their sexuality! :)

As to the homewrecker, I agree that the married person bears the greatest responsibility for an affair. That being said, a woman who knowingly embarks on a relationship with a married man (without requiring him to leave his marriage first) is also a piece of trash and they likely deserve each other.

Dave R said...

No surprise, Harvey grew up to be an ugly Jewish man.

Didn't Ewan used to be hot and sexy?

I see Blake is continuing to distance himself from sobriety.

Wiz Khalifa? That's a name? I thought that was what you called breaking wind whilst urinating.