Stephen Colbert, on _____’s advice not to believe what you read or hear:
“Our president says don’t believe what you see and read. “Oh good. Wooo, I was worried because what I’m seeing and reading is that the President is a racist, horny old burger-goblin who literally steals children from poor people.”
Guffaw! And _____ is so stupid because what about what he says and Tweets? Is he telling the Deplorables not to believe that?
Michelangelo Signorile, warning that the religious wingnuts are trying to criminalize gay sex again:
“The reality of that may sound crazy and horrifying, but just a year and a half ago, many things sounded crazy and horrifying. The U.S. is separating children from their parents at the border—and drag, even under court order—and the president of the United States publicly over American intelligence, which he continues to attack. And it appears Roe v. Wade . So anything can happen.”
I’m not sure I agree entirely. I think the right will try to shove us back into a closet, but too many of us are out, and married, and voting, and we have more allies on our side than we know.
It might be a battle, but I don’t think it’s a battle we’ll lose.
Nikki Haley, to young conservatives:
“I know that [name-calling and belittling liberals is] fun and that it can feel good, but step back and think about what you’re accomplishing when you do this—are you persuading anyone? Who are you persuading? We’ve all been guilty of it at some point or another, but this kind of speech isn’t leadership—it’s the exact opposite. Real leadership is about persuasion, it’s about movement, it’s bringing people around to your point of view. Not by shouting them down, but by showing them how it is in their best interest to see things the way you do.”
Sounds like she’s talking to her boss, no?
Ryan Reynolds, ton how he’d like to see Deadpool and his alter-ego Wade Wilson explore his pansexuality:
“I certainly think that this universe…needs to represent and reflect the world in very real ways. The great thing about Deadpool is that we’re allowed to do things that other superhero movies don’t necessarily do. It’s something that I’d love to see more of, certainly through Wade, certainly through this universe because it’s something that we’re building out more.”
Um, yeah, I’d love to see Ryan Reynolds in a little man love kinda thing, and if he feels the need for some rehearsal, well, call me.
Seth Meyers, on _____’s obsession with being secretly recorded by Putin, the FBI, Obama, and now Cohen:
“The president is facing an intense political backlash over his press conference last week with Vladimir Putin, his administration still has thousands of migrant children jailed and separated from their parents, and his personal fixer, Michael Cohen, might be cooperating with federal investigators. So naturally, _____ has decided the appropriate response is to threaten a war with Iran. Wow, you can take the crazy old man out of Queens, but you can’t stop him from yelling at foreigners. Also, you don’t get to say “BE CAUTIOUS” when you’re tweeting in all-caps. [But] _____’s obsession with being secretly taped is not new. It’s something he’s been fixated on throughout his presidency. Like when he falsely accused President Obama of having his wires tapped, or when he tweeted that James Comey better hope there are no tapes of our conversation. It’s almost like he got secretly taped at some point, and waiting for that tape to come out is slowly driving him insane. And he tries not to think about that tape, but for whatever reason every time he pees he can’t get it out of his mind. Even Trump’s explanations for his bizarre comments about secret tapes are themselves incriminating like when he was asked about his Comey tweet, and rambled like he was under police interrogation. So _____ is obsessed with being secretly taped, but it turns out that it wasn’t Russia or the FBI he should be worried about, it was his own lawyer. Everyone from his past is coming back to haunt him. If he ever goes on trial, it’s going to look like the Seinfeld finale, but instead of the Soup Nazi, there will be actual Nazis.”
That last bit slayed me. Actual Nazis! It’s funny, cuz it’s true.
Eric Swalwell, Democrat from California, on _____’s relationship with his Daddy, Vladdy:
“He attacked our country. Most Americans, when their homes get broken into they upgrade their security system, they don’t invite the burglar over for dinner. And the president shouldn’t let Vladimir Putin in the Rose Garden for a victory lap.”
But Vlad has the goods on _____ and so he’ll have to do what he’s told.
Star Parker, rightwingnut activist, bashing the LGBTQ community on Christian radio because, you know, God Hates Fags:
“They keep pushing out this idea, LGBTQ. We did the ‘L’ and the ‘G,’ they legalized marriage for themselves. We doing the ‘T’ now, the trans and this is a big, big challenge in our society right now. They did the ‘Q’ where they’re changing all the textbooks, even as low as kindergarten, to reflect that you don’t know what you are, you’re questioning. But notice they skipped over the ‘B,’ and there are some that say this ‘B’ is going to bombard us with real vileness in our society if they get what they want because it’s not about bisexuality, it’s about bestiality.”
First off, you dim bulb, we did not legalize same-sex marriage, that was the Supreme Court. Get your facts queer.
And your god … little g … must be so proud of you for your idiotic bestiality comment. You think you’re cute and funny and all that. But you’re not. You’re a sad pathetic angry little person who wouldn’t know God if She walked up to you and introduced Herself.
Take a seat.
Derek Chadwick, an Instagram “influencer’—whatever that means—has come out as gay:
“I would identify now as gay … I’ve been nervous about people seeing my personality because I didn’t want them to jump to conclusions about me without knowing my whole story. It’ll allow me to be more personable on social media. I’ll be able to post more on my stories and videos on Twitter… it’ll allow me to stand up on the stage in front of the LGBTQ community and not feel so pressured about, ‘Oh my God, I wonder they think of me’, or, ‘I wonder what they’ll think of me’. If I can just inspire one person, whoever that is, to be their true self or do something they were scared to do or didn’t feel 100% confident in, that would be the most rewarding part of all this … Being honest and being who you are is always the best way to live.”
Welcome out, Derek, and please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and a copy of The Gay Agenda.
Christine Todd Whitman, former GOP NJ governor, calling fellow Republicans to demand _____’s resignation:
“I am a lifelong Republican. I have campaigned and won as a member of the party, and I have served more than one Republican president. My Republican colleagues—once rightfully critical of President Obama’s engagement strategy with Russian leader Vladimir Putin—have to end their willful ignorance of the damage Trump is doing both domestically and internationally. We must put aside the GOP label, as hard as that may be, and demonstrate the leadership our country needs by calling on the president to step down.”
It’s telling that Republicans out of office have more balls in protecting this country than the Republicans in office.