It's Snarkurday!

Color me not surprised, but swimming moron Ryan Lochte is seeking treatment for issues with alcohol, after he, and this is real, got into a fight with his hotel room door in Newport Beach last week.

Lochte ALLEGEDLY returned to his hotel room at 3 AM and, rather than use a key like a sober person, tried to kick it in. Hotel management called the police but, this time, Ryan managed to avoid arrest, though it did push him into rehab.

Score? Door – 1; Lochte – 0.

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Also having issues with sobriety and making good choices is Pooch Hall, Daryll Donovan, on Ray Donovan, who was arrested last week after police were alerted to calls about Pooch driving around with a toddler on his lap.

Does he think he’s Britney, bitch? Worse yet is that it appears Pooch was letting his toddler steer the vehicle, because he was ALLEGEDLY under the influence. And it gets worse, because Pooch and two-year-old Djulian crashed into a parked car and when police arrived, they found a car seat laying among some junk in the backseat, not installed in any way.

Police smelled booze on Pooch’s breath, and he was given a blood alcohol test, which allegedly rang in at .25—three times the legal limit—and he was arrested for DUI and felony child endangerment.

Djulian probably won’t be removed from the home since Pooch and the child’s mother live together, and she wasn’t involved.

Still, maybe Pooch needs an adjoining room with Ryan?

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It was just a few months ago that Clayne Crawford was fired from Fox’s Lethal Weapon TV reboot after ALLEGEDLY scuffling with crew members and his co-star Damon Wayans. Clayne was replaced with Seann William Scott and the show was picked up for a third season but the off-screen drama has continued. Now, it’s Damon Wayans who wants out of the show after its current 13-episode run is done:

“I’m going to be quitting the show in December after we finish the initial 13… So, I really don’t know what they’re planning, but that’s what I’m planning.”

And why is Damon quitting the show?

“I’m a 58-year-old diabetic and I’m working 16-hour days. I’m too old for this.”

Gosh, you’d think he might have said something when they fired Crawford and just shut the whole thing down. But is this just a ploy for more coins? See, it was just a few weeks back that Wayans was raving about the new season, the new Crawford-less season:

“We’re only the first [episode] in but it is definitely a lot lighter in tone, and we are having fun, on and off set … It’s just a lot looser, nobody’s overthinking, just doing and having fun doing it.”

He went from having a lot of fun to overworked and too old in thirty days, so what’s Wayans gonna do?

Return to standup and tour the country because that easier than a steady job.

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Remember when Kim Kardastrophe was “robbed” at gunpoint in Paris two years ago. It was a fairly horrific experience for her because E! hadn’t sent any cameras along to film what would have been a Very Special Episode.

But still, Kardastrophe has recovered nicely. She’s still an empty-headed reality star married to an empty-headed lunatic and she also got paid $6.1 million from her insurance company for the stolen items.

Not so nice are those people who provided security for Kim’s big ass and jewels. Her bodyguard,

Pascal Duvier and the company he was working for, PROTECTSECURITY, are being sued by the insurance company for the $6.1 million they paid Kardastrophe.

But, hey, Kim gets her coins and E gets a new episode, and all’s right with the world of vacuous empty-headed reality stars.

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We haven’t heard much from Tommy Cruise of late, because, well, his career is slowly tanking and so he’s probably in a Scientology bomb shelter in Laguna Hills asking Xenu for advice.

But now, thanks to Leah Remini, who claimed that Kate Holmes could lose custody of Suri because she talked to Leah for her anti-Scientology show, we learn that it’s been years since Tom has set eyes upon his daughter.

Rumor has it that Tom could see Suri, if he wanted to, but doesn’t because she’s not a Scientologist. Tom and Suri have not been photographed together in five years, but a Co$ source—no doubt Kirstie Alley after being fed a bushel of donuts—said:

“Every person is allowed to see their child if they wanted to … He chooses not to because she is not a Scientologist.”

The custody agreement allows Tom to see Suri 10 days a month but so far, he has opted in to doing that a total of zero times.

Ooh, I see a Father of the Year award at the next Scientology HoeDown!

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