The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Adam Zyglis, Max Espinoza, Daniel Boris, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, RJ Matson, Tim Campbell, Stave Sack, Gary Huck, Bill Bramhall, Pedro X Molina, Jesse Duquette, Trevor Irvin

Why Is It ...

… that people need to stop sending boob shots and dick pics; send me a video of you reading so I know you’re not dumb.

… that people don’t see that I’m what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout.

… that while I am not excited about getting older I do enjoy how no one asks me to help them move anymore.

… that when my dentist told me I needed a crown my first response was, “I know, right?”

… that when someone tells me they don’t like me I often say, “Ouch! You hit me right in the I Don’t Give A Fuck.”

… that the older I get the more I understand why the cats walk away mid-conversation.

… that my nighttime routine includes a final pee, a back-up pee, and a ‘just in case’ pee.

… that no one has ever suggested that hemorrhoids should be called assteroids.

… that when my therapist asked about my intention for the day, I said, “May the bridges I burn light the motherfuking way,” and she just said, “No.”

… that my friends have just realized that I have “ROMO,” the Relief Of Missing Out.

I Didn't Say It ...

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America’s Favorite Christian, on Cankles’ latest deflection:

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that [he] is banning news outlets the week before a court’s deadline for Todd Blanche to release interview notes with underage girls [Cankles] is alleged to have raped and threatened. He’s rather we talk about his censorship than his pedophilia.”

Bad news, Cankles, America is great at multi-tasking; we see your deflections and we bring up the illegal war, your pedophile ring of rapists, high food and gas prices, lack of healthcare, ICE murderers running rampant in the streets.

We see you and know what you are … a criminal, a rapist, a pedophile, a grifter and the worst human being to ever enter politics.

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Pete Buttigieg, former Secretary of Transportation and future President of the United States, taking Congress to task for avoiding their jobs:

“How can Republicans in Congress justify leaving for vacation right now? Diesel costs just hit an all-time high. Our nation is at war. The bond market is quivering. The urgency of AI regulation has come to a critical moment. Congress should be working overtime. Instead, Speaker Johnson sent them home. You don’t have to be a Democrat to find that disgraceful.”

They work for We the People and are scarcely in DC at all. Every time some tricky situation comes up … a vote on the Epstein files or a vote to impeach Pete Hegset, Little Mike Johnson sends them home for recess.

It’s enough; vote the entire lot of them out of office.

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Macklemore, rap artist, on his Palestine remarks as Ed Sheeren’s opening act:

“I didn’t need 10 shows from Ed. I needed 2. Two chances to stand in front of 90,000 people and say the words that somehow became too dangerous to say: Free Palestine. But if those words cost me the stage, while turning the conversation back to Palestine, then it was the most successful tour I’ve ever been on.”

You cannot blame the Palestinians for Hamas, just as you cannot blame the Jews for war criminal Bibi Netanyahu or blame Americans for war criminal and rapist Cankles.

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Maria Shriver, journalist, on Cankles’ banning the press from the White House:

“The President of the United States just said he wants to ban the Free Press. He said he doesn’t want them in his office, which by the way is the Oval Office in the People’s House. This is unheard of and We The People cannot let this be. The midterms are around the corner. Vote like your life and the lives of others are at stake.”

If you don’t vote in this election you are dooming America to forvere be in the hands of billionaires, criminals, predophiles and power hungry straight white men who will do anyhting to stay in control including silencing anyone who speaks out against them.

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James Talarico, Democrat candidate for Senate from Texas, on yet another ICEstapo murder, this time in Texas:

“Wilbur Garces Perez, the man ICE shot on Sunday in Austin, has no criminal record. An ICE agent shot him anyway. He slept on a prison cell floor with a bullet still lodged in his back. He can’t move the left side of his body. This isn’t law enforcement, it’s lawlessness.”

This is not America; we are not going back to murdering people of color because we think they might be criminals. Wilbur Garces Perez is not a criminal and he desrves justice and those who shot him, dragged him to the ground and threw him on a bare concrete floor need to be punished.

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Stuart Stevens, former GOP strategist:

“When Democrats take the House, they must understand they are not a governing party, they are a dissident movement. Act like it. First day: cut off all funding of the Executive Branch. Vote to nationalize Starlink and SpaceX. Defund ICE. That’s the first day. On the second, get more aggressive. There is nothing in the middle of the road but yellow lines and dead armadillos.”

Don’t take the high road, and don’t tell not holding the regime accountable is the best thing for America. The best thing for America is to punish the regime so others in the GOP will think long and hard before trying this again.

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Bobservations

Recently in Bobservations I made a point about Carlos not being funny and, I will admit, he is funny some of the time but other times he completely misses the joke.

Case in point: the Empire Today TV commercial jingle. Carlos sings it every single time it comes on really mangling the word ‘Empire’ at the end in some high-pitched howler monkey squeal. Here’s that part of the ad:

The other night I was watching an FX show called ‘Adults’ about a group of roommates—think Friends with F-bombs and adult humor and better acting. One character was newly single and had gone to a bar the night before, returning home all pleased with herself  that she gotten a phone number. She lay the bar napkin on the table as a trophy for all to see and sauntered away. One roomie picked up the napkin and read the number … 800-588-2300 … and all the roomies sang the ‘Empire’ part just like Carlos.

I saved it to show him that he’s not the only one mangling the Empire jingle and when he saw it he said:

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s the Empire ad and they’re singing just like you.”

“Okay.”

I got out the cartoon frying pan and gave him a good thwack.

This Tuxedo Tale from April 2011 and is simply entitled ‘Caturday’ …

Despondent over his love for books, and his utter inability to read a single word, Tuxedo simply gave up.

I have no idea what that name and number mean, but if this is a tailgate cake then sign me up.

Colorado Republican, Good Christian, Adulterer, Crotch Grabber and mother of at least one felon, Lauren Boebert is denying accusations that she engaged in sexual relationships with three of her female staffers and ALLEGEDLY paid one of the staffers $200,000 not to file an ethics complaint.

Reading a movie script is apparently Mission: Impossible for Little Tom Cruise who revealed that he has directors read scripts to him:

“I have them read it to me because I don’t want my ideas to invade it yet. I want to understand: What is their communication?”

Or, you know, he’s just a self-involved asshat.

I’ve got a ton of jokes about Cankles’ $5000 midterm voting checks but no one is going to get them.

Fifteen years ago this week, the U.S. military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy was repealed and it all turned out just fine … until a drunken newsreader was appointed DUI Secretary of Defense.

Perhaps we should initiate a Don’t Drink and Drive, Talk, Walk, Exercise or Hold A Press Conference policy.

Samuel Watson is in his 20’s and hails from Sydney, Australia so naturally, we must ask Would You Hit It Down Under? 

Architecture Wednesday: Embury Stone House

Rooted in legacy, Embury Stone House is a 1930 historic retreat set on 12 private acres. With 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, 4,164 square feet of turnkey living space, and a heated pool, the property pairs comfort with pedigree. Designed by renowned architect Aymar Embury II, the stone landmark was built as part of former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Morgenthau Jr.'s Fishkill Farms estate, and became a favored hunting retreat for President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Hewn from stone quarried directly from the hillside, the home remains a masterwork of craft, with gables, soaring chimneys, and arched doorways that capture its storied past. Inside, original timber beams, mantels, and a grand stone fireplace anchor warm gathering spaces, while broad Tudor-style windows frame mountain and woodland views, and flood the home with light.

The modern kitchen, outfitted with Viking appliances, opens to one of many large stone patios for effortless indoor-outdoor living and entertaining. A breakfast nook steps down to a first-floor guest bedroom or office with a half bath powder room. Off the kitchen a stairway leads to a sun-drenched gameroom.

Upstairs, three bedrooms span two floors, including a primary suite warmed by a stone fireplace, and a third-floor suite with a clawfoot tub, office, and an additional room. A flexible attic with a bathroom is not included in the square footage.

Outdoors, the property showcases extensive stonework amidst a landscape of rolling meadows, towering trees, and a meandering creek. The heated saltwater pool and spa create a summer centerpiece, alongside multiple terraced patios that invite alfresco dining surrounded by thousands of acres of protected wilderness.

A gated entrance, fencing, and thoughtful lighting enhance both privacy and peace of mind. With a successful history as a short-term rental, this property offers strong investment potential and lasting legacy. Though completely private, it is just 20 minutes from Beacon and Cold Spring's cultural centers, with direct access to major thoroughfares for an easy connection to New York City. With its rich history, timeless architecture, and turnkey comforts, Embury Stone House is a rare chance to own a piece of Hudson Valley History.

It sold last Fall for $1.5 million … which seems like a steal.

As always, click to emBIGGERate …

Dwell