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Here we are, another year, another Oscars, with a little
pretty and a little ugly, and one that I will have to scrub from my brain to
forget that I saw it, so let’s dive right in … |
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THE VERY BEST Halle berry sometimes misses the mark and sometimes tries to
hard, but damn, any women that looks this fabulous in a mirrored dress needs to
be wearing a mirrored dress so she can see herself all the time. |
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VERY GOOD Demi Moore; we all see the work done to her face, with her
mouth taking on some weird upside down shape, but … in this dress I forgive
her. She looks stunning in a simple silvery sequin number that gave her some
curves she desperately needed—did she steal some butt pads from a drag queen. A
wee quibble is that I wish she’d get rid of the Cher Hair … even Cher has putt
hat away for most events. Raye looks regal and sexy and so not pink and blush and nude
and sweet; she’s out for a helluva night and even though she’s a wee lass, the
dress is not swallowing her up; brava. Selena Gomez rarely smiles on the red carpet but she was the
other night and it may have been this gorgeous gown; it’s va-va-va-voom and she
worked it from the hair to the jewels to the shoes. |
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GOOD—clockwise Ana de Armas; it’s simple and elegant, but the neck-piece
ratcheted it up a notch and only the stringy hair knocked it down a peg. Lisa is a singer I’ve never heard of, and while this look
may seem wrong to some, I love the edge, and the idea of a very oversized coat
over a very oversized shirt and pants; very rock-n-roll. Michelle Yeoh always brings some Old Hollywood glam, and I
like that as much as I liked Lisa’s edge. Michelle is chic and cool and
colorful. Brandi Carlile in a suit; but not a boring suit, a suit with dots and a red
sash. I kinda wish the pants were a bit more straight legged to g ive them an
edge , but Brandi always does Brandi and no one does it better. Zoe Saldaña; some of you might not like this, but it’s
giving me modern Victorian Grecian goddess; the hair could’a used some work and
the gloves are a No, but she brought a new silhouette to the Oscars and she
gets props for it not being silver or blush or nude … Cynthia Erivo is here because she has style and she takes
risks and she loves some fashion; I like the dress and it’s deep green nod to
Wicked but it kind of swallows her up. |
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NICE … I HATE NICE Elle Fanning has made it her mission to wear the cute,
sweet, pinky, flowy princess dresses to very single awards show but I bet she
would kill the carpet in something dark and moody and evil slutty. Do you hear
me, Elle? Emma Stone. I love the new short hair, and I love her
attitude, but with her pale skin and the color of this dress it’s all kind of a
one-note gown; pretty but nice and who wants to be nice. |
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FROM MEH to VERY GOOD Ariana Grande on the carpet looked ridiculous; I am over her in the cutie pie fluffy, gauzy ball gown-y flesh toned concoctions; plus, how in the hell is she gonna sit down in that thing? But then, the bitch shows up onstage to sing wearing a gorgeous blood red sequin-and-tolle gown with some mothertucking ruby slippers! That’s the dress, Ari; take note. |
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MEH—clockwise Lily-Rose Depp; I get it, Nosferatu, but did she have
to create this gauzy, shreddy hooker-ish mess with an ice skating top and salon
girl bottom; and do not get me started on that pose. Lupita Nyong’o usually looks so good and fashionable and
chic and also edgy and here she looks like the last girls picked to be a
bridesmaid. It bores me. Margaret Qualley looks dull; I mean, between the boring
nothing dress and that up-do on her head, I’m just walking past her. Mikey Madison is lucky she won an Oscar or else people might
remember her for this boring number; she’s a young girl who looks like she
raided her Nana’s closet. It looks Good and Plenty and yet it reads like Meh
and Less. Scarlett Johansson is another actress far too young to be
looking so matronly. Did her career die and she’s off to the funeral? Meg Ryan crawled out of the substance to make an appearance
and while I like a red velvet gown as much as I like red velvet cake, what’s
with the clod-hoppers on her feet. Is this her mucking out the stalls drag? Connie Nielsen is another one who plays up the dress and
then forgets what's on her head. The dress is nice, though the nude illusion,
pink blush colors are over for me, but I cannot forgive the hair. Why!!!!! Isabella Rossellini is a gorgeous women who was swallowed up
in her salute to David Lynch and Blue Velvet. Yes, she’s of an older generation
but she doesn’t have to wear Grannies drapes. Felicity Jones in a column of silver. It’s pretty but she
could hardly walk and it was giving me Tin Man vibes … and she wasn’t in
Wicked!!! Fernanda Torres is another older actress but this mess
doesn’t do her any favors. The peplum is too long and the sleeves, too. I kept
thinking if she cut off the bottom of the skirt beneath the peplum and shortened the sleeves it’d make a nice
glitzy fun and flirty cocktail dress … but as an Oscar gown it’s not working. |
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BAD Miley Cyrus is always trying to hard to look either chic or
tough, designer or trash bag, and she fails on all counts. This all black
number is a mess and then she threw on lace driving gloves? While you’re out
buying yourself flowers, get yourself a stylist with tatse. Mindy Kaling looks like Jiffy Pop; she ;looks like the piece
of mfoil I take off of the turkey for the last half hour or so to let it brown.
Look at Demi or Halle to see how silver is done because it’s not this Reynolds
Wrap nightmare. Penelope Cruz id a beautiful woman but she never quite gets
it; the corset on the dress seems too long and covers her hips so she looks
like she has none; and those two straggly bits at the bottom? Is the dress
trying to escape? Rita Wilson is an attractive woman and yet she always
dresses like someone took the drapes down in the dining room and slapped them
on her body in some sort of homage to a chiffon Mumu. |
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WORST Whoopi Goldberg is looking good after losing some weight but
this shiny number does her no favors; it doesn’t move and so the front lifts
off the ground when she stands still and she looks ready to take off. The top
part is gorgeous but the bottom part starts too low on her hips … sigh … she
almost had it. Goldie Hawn. That’s all. |
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WORST OF THE WORST Jackie Weaver looks like an orderly at the Old Actors Home.
All she needs is some sensible shoes with non-slip soles. |
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THE BEST MEN Jeff Goldblum has his own quirky style and it’s always
something. I love the untucked shirt and white jacket; I love the flower on his
lapel, and I love the colorful placket
on the shirt. It’s whimsical and a bit wicked. Colman Domingo always brings the fashion and this take on a
tuxedo, in scarlet no less, with a wrap belt, says it all. And he never forgets
the jewelry either. Paul Tazewell shows he’s a costume designer and stylist with
this look; it looks like a classic tuxedo, but then there’s a very wide
cummerbund and the white silk scarf doubling as a tie with a jeweled accent.
Yes sir, you worked it. |
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VERY GOOD Andrew Garfield went casual, but it’s kind of 70s cool guy
casual who might just toss his car keys into the fishbowl at the start of the
after party if you get my meaning. Additional points for no black and looking
long and lean and mean. Joe Locke, an actor I’ve never heard of, took a sort of old
school jacket and pants and set them on fire with a glittering vest and white
tie … he just looks cool and I like a messy hairstyle, too. Sterling K Brown went old school in the white jacket tuxedo
and he always looks good; not fussy, but hot. |
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GOOD—clockwise Kieran Culkin nails the all-black chic look, from the jacket
and shirt all the way down to the shoes; add that in with his irreverence and
sense of humor and he’s smoking hot. Dave Bautista proves a big monster of a man—and I’d like to
climb him—can dress chic and classy in a deep blue tuxedo with a hint of glitz
on the lapel; take note, Dwayne Johnson. Adrien Brody always revs my engine, even in a safe tuxedo;
tall and lady with a sweet smile and the dash of glamour on the coat—no doubt
thanks to his partner, the fabulous Georgina Chapman—he looks fabulous. Jeremy Pope is sizzling sexy in a black silky suit with an
Asian twist; where are my chopsticks? John M Chu brought out a wee bit of the Wicked—he was the
director—in his dark green velvet jacket with silk lapels; just a slight change
in color and the look is fresh.. Jeremy Strong in
Obama Tan, with a riff on a tie and some cool shoes. He got the memo that the
Tuxedo Barn is not the place to shop for your Oscar drag. |
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MEH Edward Norton is a brilliant actor and needs a brilliant
stylist who will tell him that his tuxedo may be from 2025 but it’s giving me
1965 Eddie and that’s not good. Sean Evans is a social media personality on YouTube and he’s
only here because, while I loathe the ordinary tuxedo, I have an affinity for
a bald man and he fills the bill. Now, if he learned to dress better … Guy Pearce could be another Jeff Goldblum, but he went for
the boring basic bitch of a tuxedo look; he’s a very attractive man but I just
want to ask him for another glass of wine from the bar. Willem Dafoe. I like an all-black look—I’ve been known to rock an all-black look—but Dafoe is giving me shaggy dog who had his head out the car window on the way to the ceremony and it’s ruined everything. |
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WORST Jerry O’Connell looks like he always looks … a slimy used
car salesman woefully out of place. I
guess those Vegas casinos that offer the 49-cent dinners were one
maître de short Sunday night. Bowen Yang has great style but what self-respecting gay man
would wear a flowered embroidered bolero jacket? Oh
Bowen, honey … no, no, Sebastian Stan is smoking hot, with a body like few other
men, but this basic tuxedo does him no service especially when the shirt looks
a little nicotine stained and the laundry couldn’t bleach it away; it just
makes it all look drab. |
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VERY WORST Timothee Chalamet
likes to be different but this Country Crock Butter Nutso thing is a
miss by a mile. The color is hideous, though I guess if you were playing ‘Where
is Timothee’ in the audience shots the other night, you’d appreciate it. I
don’t. Sorry, Chalamet, I can’t believe it’s not better … and that’s no typo. |
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SOMETHING DIFFERENT Omar Apollo, American singer-songwriter and actor; I’ve
never heard of him but he gets props for going outside the box with the cool
shoes, the all black suit, the checked scarf as tie and the jewelry on the
lapel. But where he really wins me over is the additional of a mothertucking
veil! Werk! |
