Oscarvations

Well another year and another Oscarvations. And while I haven’t seen a lot of the films, I’ve seen some, and I am mostly here for the spectacle and drama and surprise and humor … and the Hot Men so let’s dig in …

My first thought was Conan O’Brien, seriously? I mean, he’s funny enough, but there’s no edge; he mostly Dad jokes and some self-deprecating humor. Now, that isn’t to say he didn’t get some good ones in and those I will share throughout this post like …

“F1 did so well they’re thinking of doing a sequel called Caps Lock.”

But let’s start with the montage. Every host since the Days of Crystal, Billy Crystal, thinks they should do an opening montage where they insert themselves into the nominated films. You can’t; you’re not Crystal. And I will say Conan’s was about the worst … he had himself made up to look like Amy Madigan’s character in Weapons and I don’t think I was the only one who didn’t know that. Then he ran around all the Oscar films being chased by children until he was chased through the theater and then magically appeared onstage. Too much time, zero payoff, though he managed to get two good lines in, saying to his makeup artist:

“I think you used too much white.”

“Nope, that’s just you.”

“But I look like Bette Davis with Lupus.”

And then onstage he did a whole “thing” about him winning an Oscar, with The Pope blessing him and him blessing the Pope, and a hawk delivering his Oscar while Josh Groban sang. It could have been cut and we would have shaved 5 minutes off the show.

“I’m the last human host of the Academy Awards.”

Luckily, Zoe Saldaña appeared to present the SUPPORTING ACTRESS to Amy Madigan for Weapons … she was  last nominated 40 years ago for Twice in a Lifetime and was overjoyed to win again. She thanked her husband of forty-three years, Ed Harris, extra HOT MAN for being 75-years-old … just sayin’.

Will Arnett and Channing present the Animated film awards and all I can think is ‘What happened to Channing’  … sweaty and bald … what happened? The BEST ANIMATED FEATURE goes to KPop Demon Hunters while the BEST ANIMATED SHORT goes to The Girl Who Cried Pearls

“Last year when I hosted Los Angeles was on fire. This year everything’s great!”

Then came a live version of the juke joint scene from Sinners, which I loved that was followed by scenes from Marty Supreme AKA The Ping Pong Movie and the appearance in the orchestra pit of The Timothy Chalamet Bum Drum. I kind of wish they had really paddled that smug little actor instead of the fake butt.

“Sinners director Ryan Coogler says he declined becoming a voting member of the Academy because he doesn’t like judging his peers. But the rest of you pricks are fine with that.”

Anne Hathaway … speaking of smug appears with Anna Wintour in a riff on The Devil Wears Prada II … coming soon to a theater near you … to present BEST COSTUME DESIGN … Anne asks Anna what she thinks of her look and Anna says, “The nominees are …” … snap … and the Oscar goes to Frankenstein  designer Kate Hawley who begged the question, why do some costume designers walk on stage in what looks like a wrinkled black sheet over a wrinkled white sheet? I don’t get it, but anyway … when Anne and Anna present BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP Anne asks Anna to read the nominees and Wintour says, “Thank you Emily.”—Hathaway’s character in Prada and I don’t think Anna was acting .. to Frankenstein … Mike Hill, Jordan Samuel, and Cliona Furey.

Next up is the ‘New’ Oscar category for ACHIEVEMENT IN CASTING and HOT MAN Paul Mescal appears with GOOP … didn’t she promise us she’d given up acting … and Chase Infiniti and HOT MAN Wagner Moura and Delroy Lindo present the Oscar to Cassandra Kulukundis for One Battle After Another

Conan appears with a leaf blower …. Why … and then introduces Matt Barry, the announcer for the show, who is doing his job from London … again why?

“Security is tight. I’m told there are threats from both the opera and ballet communities.”

Kamail Nanjiani presents BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM but first goes on a riff … “Many full-length movies would work just as well if not better as short films …instead of It’s a Wonderful Life how about It’s a Wonderful Month … West Side Anecdote … The King’s Tweet … Some of That Jazz …call Me By Your Nickname …No County for Old Man … One Battle … that’s it, you get one … Schindler’s Post-It”

He opens the envelope and … “It’s a tie. I’m not joking … so every calm down” … the first film is The Singers and Sam A. David [left] … and how hot is this kid and why is he making movies and not starring in them … and Jack Piat. The second winner is Two People Exchanging Saliva and Alexandre Singh and Natalie Musteata …

“I was in a  movie with Rose Byrne. It’s hard to act in a scene with someone you have an enormous crush on but did an admirable job.”

Kieran Culkin presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … to Sean Penn for One Battle After Another … Penn is a no show …  and Delroy Lindo looked none to be pleased at Penn’s win.

Conan does a bit about making movies that continually have to remind the viewer what the film is about because our attention spans have disappeared. 

He and HOT MAN Sterling K. Brown offer an updated version of Casablanca which takes place during WWII … “the one with Hitler.” Sterling was the best part of that bit.

Robert Downey Jr and HOT MAN Chris Evans present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another … who gives a lovely speech about family … he’s married to Maya Rudolph … 

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Ryan Coogler for Sinners and the crowd goes wild … who also gives a lovely speech about his cast and his family, wife and children with a long camera shot on HOT MAN Michael B. Jordan.

“An alternate Oscars is being hosted by Kid Rock. It’s just down the street at Dave and Buster’s”

In Memoriam … Billy Crystal talks of Rob Reiner … This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally … and then Misery and A Few Good Men and how Rob and Michelle became the driving force for marriage equality in America … “Buddy, what fun we had storming the castle.”

During the In Memoriam Rachel McAdams paid a touching tribute to the late Diane Keaton with whom she co-starred in The Family Stone, honoring her as a "legend with no end" and "a woman who wore so many hats." Literally. And then Barbra Streisand talked about the late Robert Redford then sang a snippet of The Way We Were

Conan then offers up the Academy’s plan to reach younger viewers:

When you’re hosting the Oscars and lokenuinely trying to rizz up the young demographic by going brain-rot modem and even though you’re uncoded with a bunch of famepilled NPCS you’re still S-Tier level aura farming. Six-Seven.

“Yes, that’s a message young people will see watching broadcast television.”

And old people like me will see and say, What the ….

Sigourney Weaver and HOT MAN Pedro Pascal … Sigourney talks aliens and the downright adorable Grogu AKA Baby Yoda, sitting in the audience with Kate Hudson; Sigourney shrieks her famous line from Alien:

“Get away from him you bitch.”

And presents the Oscar for ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN to Frankenstein’s Tamara Deverell and Shane Vieau and then ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS to Avatar: Fire & Ice … Joe Letteri, Richard Baneham, Eric Saindon & Daniel Barrett

Now Jimmy Kimmel appears:

“Conan went outside and inadvertently exposed his face to the sun and was incinerated so I will be finishing out the rest of the program.”

Would that it was true because he goes one …

“You know there are some countries whose leaders don’t support free speech though I am not at liberty to say which. Let’s just leave it at North Korea and CBS. Fortunately for us there is an international community of filmmakers  dedicated to telling the truth, oftentimes at great risk. There are films that teach us, that call out injustice, inspire us to take action, and there are also documentaries where you walk around the White House trying on shoes.”

He presents the Oscar for BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT to All the Empty Rooms’ Joshua Seftel & Conall Jones and then presents BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … “Oh man is he gonna be mad his wife wasn’t nominated” … to Mr. Nobody Against Putin’s David Borenstein, Pavel Talankin, Helle Faber & Alžběta Karásková. Borenstein makes the night when he says:

“Mr. Nobody Against Putin is about how you lose your country and what we saw when working with this footage is that you lose it through countless small … acts of complicity. We act complicit when the government murders people on the streets of our major cities when we don’t say anything, When oligarchs take over the media and control how we can produce it and consume it. We all face a moral dilemma but luckily even a nobody is more powerful than you think.”

I needed a bit more of that. And Kimmel.

“Fun fact, Brad Pitt and I are the same age. I was told this by my wife with tears streaming down her face.”

Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne and Ellie Kemper celebrate the 15^th anniversary of Bridesmaids and each read notes from members of the audience  … Rose Byrne’s is from Leonardo DiCaprio asking her to stop looking at him because it makes him nervous and Rose admits to starting because she  thought he was someone else … snap …and then present BEST SCORE to Sinners’ Ludwig Goransson, quite the hottie and then ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND to F1 and Gareth John, Al Nelson, Gwendolyn Yates Whittle, Gary Rizzo & Juan Peralta.

“Hamnet and Bugonia sound like off-brand lunchmeat.”

The President of the Academy speaks … pee break … and then Bill Pullman and Lewis Pullman present ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING to One Battle After Another and Andy Jurgensen.

Demi Moore presents ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY to SINNERS Autumn Durald Arkapaw … and the crowd goes wild … she’s the first woman to ever win this award. She asks all the women to stand up because “I don’t get here without you.”

Benicio del Toro and Priyanka Chopra Jonas present BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM to Sentimental Value  Norway which was also nominated for Best Picture?

Lionel Richie—was Barry Manilow not available—presents BEST ORIGINAL SONG to “Golden” from KPop Demon Hunters ... a song that makes me want to drive my car off the road when  I hear it.

Zendaya and HOT MAN Robert Pattinson, looking sleek and British and bored present ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING to Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another

Adrian Brody, last year’s Best Actor presents LEAD ACTOR to HOTTEST MAN Michael B. Jordan for  Sinners …and again the crowd goes wild …  and wild … 

“Mama what’s up? … I stand here because of the people who came before me … Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Jamie Foxx, Forest Whitaker … thank you everybody in this room that had something to do with my success.”

Mikey Madison, last year's Best Actress presents LEAD ACTRESS to Jessie Buckley for Hamnet whom I could listen to for hours with her lovely Irish accent  … 

“Thank you to the incredible women that I stand beside, I am inspired by your art and your heart and I wanna work with every single one of you and to my parents for teaching us to dream and carve from your own passion. It’s Mother’s Day in the UK today and I dedicate this to the beautiful chaos of a mother’s heart.”

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman give us a little Moulin Rouge duet and then present BEST PITCURE to One Battle After Another Adam Somner, Sara Murphy & Paul Thomas Anderson. But what was up with Teyana Taylor who grabbed Paul Thomas Anderson all the way to the stage and then grabbed one grab one of the Oscars for herself and held onto it like she won? Where was the person who actually won that award?

So, there you have it., good bits, bad bits, funny, bits and a lot of HOT MEN like ...

What did you think?

The Funny Papers

Benjamin Slyngstad, Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, David Horsey, Ann Telnaes, Adam Zyglis, Matt Wuerker, Mike Luckovich, Dave Whamond, Michael de Adder, Tim Campbell, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Bill Bramhall,

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, my President, speaking at Reverend Jesse Jackson’s funeral last week:

“We are living in a time when it can be hard to hope. Each day we wake up to some new assault on our democratic institutions. Another setback is the idea of the rule of law. An offense to common decency. Every day you wake up to things you just didn’t think were possible. Each day we’re told by those in high office to fear each other, and to turn on each other. And that some Americans count more than others, and that some don’t even count at all! Everywhere we see greed and bigotry being celebrated and bullying and mockery masquerading as strength! We see science and expertise denigrated, while ignorance and dishonesty, and cruelty, and corruption ,are reaping untold rewards! every single day we see that and it’s hard to hope In those moments. So it may be tempting to give to get discouraged, to give in to cynicism. It may be tempting for some to compromise with power, and grab what you can, or even for good people to maybe just put your head down and wait for the storm to pass. But this man, Reverend Jesse Louis Jackson, inspires us to take a harder path. His voice calls on each of us to be heralds of change, to be messengers of hope, to step forward and say, ‘Send me!’ wherever we have a chance to make an impact, whether it’s in our school, or our workplaces, or our neighborhoods, or our cities. Not for fame, not for glory, or because success is guaranteed, but because it gives our life purpose. Because it aligns with what our faith tells us God demands. And because if we don’t step up, no one else will. How fortunate we were that Jesse Jackson answered that call. What a great debt we owe to him. May God bless Reverend Jackson. May he rest in eternal peace. God bless you.”

This is how a president marks the passing of a Civil Rights legend.

Sadly, our current regime failed to even acknowledge the man’s passing, didn’t lower a single flag to half-mast, though they afforded that honor to racist Charlie Kirk.

I cannot help to think it’s because Jackson was a Black man, plain and simple, and our current president is a racist.

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Ruben Gallego, Democrat Senator from Arizona, on funding Cankles’ illegal War of Distraction:

“Americans are being told we can’t afford lower drug prices, affordable childcare, or relief at the grocery story, but somehow we can afford a pointless way that costs $1 BILLION every single day. What the fuck happened to America  first?”

A war where schoolchildren are killed by American bombs. Is that America first? While people cannot afford food, or gas, or their energy bills, or their healthcare, but we can afford billions to bomb children?

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Melanie Stansbury, New Mexico Democrat Representative, calling for DUI hire Pete Hegseth’s removal from office for his incompetence, cruelty, and illegal actions:

“I wanna just address the elephant in the room. And that is that it is time for Pete Hegseth to go. Now, whether the Secretary of Defense resigns of his own accord or whether he is removed, it is way overdue … because we have seen over the last year, nothing but death, destruction … and the unauthorized, illegal, and reckless use of the United States military to wage unauthorized wars, civilian deaths, and the dismantling of the agency that is meant to safeguard American national security …. So let's lay out the case. Today, it was confirmed by NPR that the US Department of Defense is not investigating if a US Tomahawk led to the death of 165 school children and teachers in Iran, but why? That means that the agency that is intended to secure national security used American munitions to murder 165 children and did not have appropriate safeguards in place to prevent that from happening. Now, how did this happen? What we know is that Pete Hegseth was personally responsible for downscaling the office that is intended to prevent civilian casualties. And so because they were operating with a skeleton crew for whatever reason, the fact that that target was incorrect was never flagged inside the system. And so a US bomb was allowed to be used to kill school children. Now, in addition to that, seven American service members have now died in this war. And it is reported that up to 150 American soldiers have now been injured. And this is a war of choice, a war that has not been authorized by Congress, a war that the president and the secretary of defense cannot even explain to the American people, a war that they do not seem to have an exit strategy for …. In addition to that, Secretary Hegseth has gutted the fundamental legal checks inside of Department of Defense that are designed to make sure that the U.S. military is following the rule of law, not just domestically, but internationally. We know that they have now engaged in three separate military actions that have not been authorized by Congress, including strikes in the Caribbean that have led to the death of over a hundred civilians. [We know that] secretary, Hegseth, misappropriated $93 billion, not million, but billion dollars just a couple of months ago on lobster and king crab and cable TV and furniture for the Department of Defense. These are your taxpayer dollars that he went on an absolute blowout, spending spree at the Department of Defense. While these folks at the administration are telling you that they don't have enough money for American healthcare and food assistance and housing for the American people … Pete Hegseth has $93 billion to waste on furniture and crab and lobster … This is absolutely disgustingly unacceptable. They have issued purges … some of the most distinguished members of our military have been asked to leave their posts. They have erased the history of our proud service members who have served this country generation after generation. And they have misappropriated American taxpayer dollars to fight wars that they told you they would not fight. And so it is time for Pete Hegseth to be gone. It is time for him to go. So whether he resigns or whether it requires congressional action, it is time for Pete Hegseth to go.”

She is absolutely right. Get this insecure alcoholic Christian extremist man-child out of office before more innocent civilians die in illegal wars.

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Irene Maria Montero Gil, Spain’s Member of the European Parliament, with a suggestion for Cankles:

“Send your son, [Cankles]. If you want war, send your own people to the front line. We in Spain want our children, our daughters and our loved ones at home, safe. We don’t want war. Those who want war should send their own children.”

Barron, anyone?

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Pete Buttigieg, Afghanistan War veteran, former Secretary of Transportation and future President of the United States, takes on Cankles and his “war of choice" against Iran:

“This nation learned the hard way that an unnecessary war, with no plan for what comes next, can lead to years of chaos and put America in still great danger. When you get ready to deploy, you of course are constantly thinking about the worst-case scenario, and the scenario that you pray hard is never going to happen is that your loved ones get the knock on the door. That has now happened to six families that we know of. And the people who serve [are] patriots, they’re ready to go wherever their chain of command tells them they are needed. In exchange for them making that promise, putting their lives on the line, they are supposed to be assured that their commander in chief would never put their lives on the line unless it was absolutely necessary. Unless there was no alternative. Billions of taxpayer dollars are now flowing to the Middle East instead of going toward pressing needs at home. Prices will rise. The debt will grow. The economy will become even less stable, and Washington will be even less capable of facing urgent needs at home.”

Enough is enough. Listen to those who have actually served; read your history books about Vietnam. End the war.

And to be clear, it is a war, a war for oil, and a war for distraction from the fact that the current president is a pedophile.

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Bobservations

There is a woman who gives Carlos rides to court if I can’t and I have dubbed her his CarWife. He loathes that so you know I run with it.

Well, this woman asked him to meet her son, who is on the Autism spectrum, because both he and Carlos are science nerds.

This week the woman’s husband had a minor heart procedure and Carlos texted that he was glad it all went well and signed off:

“Sending him love.”

He tells me this and I ask, dumbfounded:

“Are you dating this entire family? I mean, first the mom and then the son and now the husband?”

His mother-wife, and son-husband, and husband-husband??? It’s all too much!

This Tuxedo Says is from September 2021 when COVIDIOTS were spreading their so-called cures:

"I swear, one of these days Tuxedo is gonna snap his neck with all the head shaking at the daily news."

I still feel that way today!

Ketanji Brown Jackson graduated magna cum laude from Harvard-Radcliffe College and cum laude from Harvard Law School where she was an editor of the Harvard Law Review. She had 20 years’ experience as a lawyer and 10 years’ experience as a federal judge when she was nominated for the Supreme Court. And the GOP called her a DEI hire.

Markwayne Mullin has a high school diploma and a 2-year community college degree in construction management, no military or law enforcement service, and was a cow-calf rancher. He was nominated to be secretary of Homeland Security. And the GOP rallied behind him.

Think on that!

After San Antonio officials removed a rainbow crosswalk in the city’s Pride Cultural Heritage District, the community responded by installing rainbow sidewalks.

This is The Resistance at work!

You wonder why Cankles wants the SAVE Act passed so desperately that he’s refusing to sign any other bills until it goes through? Look at this:

In 2024, Cankles won nearly 58% of the vote in Starr County, Texas.

Last week, 96% of all votes cast for Senator were in the Democratic Primary.

Yes, you read that right.

If Cankles wants boots on the ground in Iran he should deploy the ICEstapo. They’ve spent months terrorizing American cities like some kind of elite military force so send ‘em to war.

Let’s see how brave they are now.

Oy, Cankles’ favorite attorney lapdog, Alina Habba, made such a gaffe on live TV while trying to nail Kamala Harris. She was being interviewed on Newsmax when she tried to say that Kamala Harris didn’t know Reverend Jesse Jackson so why did she attend the funeral:

“If you look at Kamala Harris’ comments of desperation at Reggie Jackson’s funeral, and she didn’t even know him, if you look at this, they’re reaching so far.”

Um, Alina, honey? It was the funeral of civil rights icon Reverend Jesse Jackson and not the funeral of a former baseball player who is, in fact, not dead.

Speaking Cankles held a press conference at his Doral golf resort amid the ongoing illegal war in Iran and said this idiocy:

“All of the people that died through the roadside bombs. Died and are, right now, walking around with no legs, no arms.”

Seriously stupid and demented and unfit for office.

Kyle Ponte is a Los Angeles–based dancer, choreographer, model, and actor with over a decade of professional experience spanning stage, film, television, and commercial work so Would You Hit It?