Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize the world would be a better place if everyone took a chill pill, and it would get even better if some of them choked on it

… that most people don’t realize that fake laughing with a client is a highly prized job skill

… that I spend a lot of time wondering if I’m going to let it slide or start something when we all know I’m going to start something.

… that the older I get the easier it is for me too look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that I am so anti-social that I will reschedule the same phone call eight times hoping they’ll just text instead.

… that I actually love it when people think they’re punishing me by not talking to me

… that sometimes simply saying “Hi” can be the beginning of three years of trauma and so that’s why I don’t reply.

… that people need to know that my body is a filter; coffee goes in and sarcasm comes out.

… that hitting the gym to relieve stress is never quite as effective as hitting the people who stressed me out in the first place.

… that you should forgive your enemy but never forget the bastard’s name

Why Is It ...

… that whenever I say, “How stupid can you be?” some people seem to take it as a challenge

… that little gesture I make with my hands that looks like a heart isn’t a heart; it’s my hands around your scrawny neck if you keep fucking with me.

… that whenever someone says “there are two types of people in this world” I always cut in and say, “And I avoid both.”

… that I find it sad to live in a world where we add a word to the dictionary just because stupid people use it enough … it’s really sus … you haven’t got rizz …  and you’re delulu.

… that if you see me jogging, for the love of god, kill whatever is chasing,me.

… that y’all need to know that if I am a sarcastic asshole with you it’s either because I really like  and feel comfortable teasing you, or because I really hate you and don’t care if you know it; but good luck figuring it out.

… that I believe the walls of Hell are all lined with the deleted selfies from your phone

… that sometimes I have to close my eyes, count to ten, take a deep breath, and remind myself that I wouldn’t look good in prison stripes so I just smile at the dumbass and walk away

… that most days I feel like life is like a soup and I’m a fork

… that the more I get to know certain people the more I understand why Noah only let animals on the Ark

Why Is It ...

… that as I was sitting in my car the other day, a person came up to my driver’s window and shouted, “I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,” and all I could think to say was, “Can I get my burger and fries? You’re holding up the drive thru.”

… that hearing my voice in a recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I’ve ever spoken to.

… that everyone forgets that I am neither a morning person nor a night person but I do have a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m decent and that’s about it.

… that y’all need to remember that if I go missing there will be no need to go searching the hiking trails

… that there are days when I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t even wanna be human, I just want to be a goat and eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

 … that no one sees that I have a really good heart, but it comes with a side of attitude and zero patience

… that no one listens to my life tips, like … if you rob a bank you will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next ten years, regardless of your success.

… that you should know to stay away from me if you’re sensitive because I will roast you for sport

… that you need to know how to be comfortable in your own skin because it’s a crime to wear someone else’s

… that I know how to treat people right but I also know how to walk a dog; the choice is yours.

Why Is It ...

… that I get no credit whatsoever for helping people deal with a trying time. I mean, instead of saying “Fuck off,” I always ask, “How can I help you fuck off?”

… that people don’t understand that Facebook is just a tool for me to be a menace to society

… that people always come up to me with their feel good granola kumbaya motivational crap but when I say to them, “Reach for the stars because even if you miss you’ll be miles away from me,” they call me mean.

… that people don’t see that while I am a red flag the material is quality

... that whenever I go to a shop selling essential oils and ask for the one that calms people down, they me offer lilac or some shiz and not the Chloroform I asked for

… that anyone who has distanced themselves from me, I kindly say, ‘Stay there, and Thank you.’

… that I know I don’t have to be so sarcastic but the world has given me so much to work and I would hate to be wasteful.

… that one of my toxic traits is saying “Nice talk” after saying something and it gets ignored.

… that when a co-worker asked why I was so irritated since I’d just clocked in, I said, ‘It’s spillover from yesterday. MOVE!’

… that when I first meet people I’m very shy, then boom! I’m a whole podcast with no mute button or Off switch.

Why Is It ...

… that I would like to give up sarcasm, but that would leave interpretative dance as my only means of communication.

… that the older I get the easier it becomes for me to look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that after several consultations my dermatologist can provide no treatment for the people getting under my skin.

… that people don’t believe it when I say I just got my Dissociates Degree.

… that so many people take the internet and social media so seriously … most of their “likes” come from  people at home sitting on their toilets.

… that people forget silence is my favorite conversation.

… that people always told me to just be myself and then I did and now everyone’s scared and I need a lawyer.

… that you need to remember I am not bored, I’m just tired of everything.

… that, like most people, I have to work extra hard because the baby is expensive. Oh, and I am the baby.

… that people forget the one thing I am really good at is pretending you never existed.

Why Is It ...

… that if you’re someone who has left my life, please do not bother hitting me with that ‘Merry Christmas” text. You are Feliz Navidead to me.

… that the only thing that has been consistent this whole year is the “What the Fuck”

… that being able to respond to sarcasm within seconds of hearing a stupid question is actually a sign of a really healthy brain

… that I am at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

… that, at the work safety meeting today, no one liked when I was asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire and I replied, “Fucking big ones!:

… that all that’s left when I run out of fucks to give is fuckdust.

… that new people at work always feel the need to tell me that they “love my energy” and I always feel the need to reply, “Is that why you’re draining it?”

… that no one realizes that when they see me on the street, it’s AI.

… that since I don’t want to end this years on bad terms with anyone, go ahead and apologize to me now.

… that because my mother raised me with manners I always know which fork to use at a formal dinner, but because she also didn’t raise a fool, I what artery to stick it into  so you’ll bleed out in one minute.

Meme Dump: All Cats, All Truths

Why Is It ...

… that it’s okay for a cat to run and hide  under a bed when visitors come by but when I do it it’s “rude” and “antisocial.”

… that most people don’t realize  that, unfortunately, I always have something smart to say.

… that no one realizes that I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

… that some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

… that no one believes me when I say that I will cut back on my sarcasm and only use it on days that begin with a T … like Tuesday or Thursday … Today and Tomorrow

.... that I have yet to learn that I shouldn’t sit on the floor without a solid plan on how to get up

... that people need to learn that while I am not easily offended, I am also easily annoyed.

… that people forget that the day they handed out patience  I left early because it was taking too long.

… that my boss said to me, ‘What are you doing?’ And I replied that I was watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers, and he said, ‘That’s a kickboxing video.’ And I said, ‘I know.’

… that I often wonder what the other me’s are up to in those other dimensions.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that when I think of Maddie, I always think, ‘Let the fun begin’ … wait, that’s not right. Oh, yeah, I think, ‘Let the fun be gin.’

… that people never learn that, before they try to hurt my feelings, take into consideration that I don’t have any and they probably do.

… that nothing brings out my inner sarcasm like being asked stupid questions at work.

… that people always ask why I post so many memes; short answer: I don’t have the body for an OnlyFans. Next question, please.

… that I often wonder if clouds look down on people and think, ‘That one is shaped like an idiot.’

… that people should remember that if I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. Right after cashing that check I will be moving to a rich neighborhood.

… that it’s a 5 minute walk to the bar but a 45 minute walk home … the difference is staggering.

… that no one realizes how much I hate when they ring my doorbell because then I have to drop to the floor, lay there in silence and pretend I’m not home.

… that seeing people walk out of my life is really painful because I want to see them run.

Why Is It ...

… that I am as swift as a gazelle … an old one … with arthritis … run over by a Land Rover … seven days ago.

… that I am not weird, but I am simply a Limited Edition. Kidding, I’m weird AF.

… that I don’t have a train of thought … I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when their paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

… that people need to remember that I have a soft heart and a savage mouth; I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

… that when people disagree with me I generally say, ‘Nice argument, unfortunately, your mama,’ and then I saunter away.

… there is nothing better than hearing friends say, ‘We never see you around.’ I mean, I know, I make sure of it.

… that when people ask me if I run, I say out of patience , money and good decisions.

… that no one realizes I have three basic moods: IDK, IDC, IDGAF and it’s a daily spin-the wheel situation.

… that when I’m drunk I forget I’m shy and I suddenly become the CEO of Chaos, giving life advice to strangers like I’ve got a PhD in bad choices.

… that the idea that someone looked at a purple onion and named it a red red onion really irks me

…. that I seek restraining orders on anyone not wearing deodorant.

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t do what I do, and stop crying about your problems on the internet and instead bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark inappropriate humor like a grownup.

… that my memory is like an Etch-a-Sketch? Every time I shake my head I forget everything.

… that, while I know my body cannot digest corn, how is possible that after I’ve chewed up the corn it comes back out in the shape of corn.

… that I don’t always have time to fold the laundry, but when I do, I don’t.

… that people must learn that the reason I don’t care about folks talking about me is because I know that when they’re talking about themselves no one cares.

… that my patience with everyone is literally at 1%.

… that people who watch my life and gossip about it should not give up because the new season is about to start streaming.

… that no one looks both ways before getting on my nerves.

… that people need to remember I am not that great in the advice business, but I am a pro at the sarcastic comeback.

Why Is It ...

… that if it’s inappropriate and tasteless and rude, chances are I will find it fucking high-larious.

… that people need to understand that I refer to myself as a “free spirit” because it sounds classier than “out of fucking control.”

… that I want to normalize work emails  with: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

… that I am so antisocial that I will walk past people I know.

… that I don’t even have a sense of humor anymore. Nowadays it’s just sarcasm and a general dislike for the majority of the human population.

… that some of you people need to go to Church because I don’t want you in Hell with me.

… that if you hate me, join the club. There are weekly meeting at the corner of Fuck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.

… that if you are testing my waters you’d best know how to swim.

… that the reason I don’t make excuses for horrible people is because I know you cannot put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

… that if y’all think I’m crazy do you really think it’s a good idea to fuck with me?

Why Is it ...

… that one one understands that the 'L' in my name stands for Leave me alone.

… that people don’t listen? I once spoke to a client over the phone who told me I was much friendlier and far more helpful than the person they had spoken to the day before … who was also me.

… the people need to learn that no one can get on my nerves like everyone.

… that the older I get the more I appreciate being out of the loop. Don’t fill me in … I don’t wanna know anything about anyone.

… that as blunt as I may seem, I don’t say half of what I’m thinking.

… that no one understands that I prefer to live in my own little world and they need a wristband to enter.

… that I don’t clear up any rumors about myself since I probably did do it, and if I didn’t, I might.

… that I don’t buy more piñatas; like, right now, I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.

… that I am the nicest rudest most caring nonchalant I don’t give a f*ck person you’ll ever meet.

Why Is It ...

… that you need to know if you block me on social media you’d best be blocking my friends, too, because they’re sending me screenshots.

… that I often want to stop a conversation mid-sentence and say, “Hey, I don’t care.”

… that you don’t realize there is no point in arguing with me. I realized I was wrong about 15 minutes ago and now I’m just trying to make you mad.

… that apparently saying “the vibes are off” is not an excuse to leave work early.

… that I stop myself from making sarcastic comments at least forty times a day and I am never given credit for it.

… that you need to remember to chill before my Inner Voice becomes my Outer Voice.

… that I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet of Legos than share a fun fact about myself with a group of strangers.

… that whenever I agree with someone it’s usually so they’ll stop talking.

… that when my boss and I argue and he says, ‘I didn’t ask for an attitude,’ I reply, ‘No worries. It’s complimentary.’

… that I have to apologize if I acted insane, but in my defense, I’m insane.

Why Is It ...

… that every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas ... Easter ... Summer ... Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for me.

… that for all of you who got into my business this past year, I will be sending you a W-2.

… that I was arguing with boss one day and just decided to take off my glasses and say, “I don’t don’t wanna see you right now.”

… that no one understands that I always have something smart to say.

… that when someone says to me, “I’ve seen your true colors,” I say, “Good., Use them to paint your bedroom.”

… that I always offer to cook, not because I’m nice, but because I want the food to be good.

… that while I may look normal, deep down, inside I wanna be an octopus so I can slap eight people at once.

… that Facebook keep suggesting people I may know. Well, I do know them and I don’t like them.

… that whenever people tell me I smell good and then ask me what I’m wearing, I say, “I splashed on some Leave Me The Fu-Cologne.”

… that my favorite childhood memory is having energy.

Why Is It ...

… that my boss has yet to realize that a work meeting without food should be an email.

… that when you come to my house and I say “Make yourself at home” I mean do a load of laundry and run the vacuum.

… that I am 60% tired and I am also 40% tried.

… that my Mind will say, “Don’t say anything, just let it go. It’s not worth it,” and then my Mouth says, “I just find it funny how …”

… that life is better when you don’t care what other people think.

… that I don’t like to think before I speak because I like to be as surpised as everyone else by what I say.

… that I am already to get off work … tomorrow.

… that I just watched a lady look at my tattoos and clucth her purse so I said to her, “Ma’am, my ankle cost more than your handbag.”

… that I need to get a hurricane named after me because I’ve been a disaster all my life.

Why Is It ...

… that when I was at the doctor’s recently the nurse asked me to step on the scale; I was told there’d be no fact checking.

… that at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

… that people don’t realize that not only am I not a perfect person and I am also not trying to be a better person.

… that I may look normal,  but I talk to myself and then laugh afterwards.

…  that when I see people arguing online I automatically believe whomever is spelling correctly and using proper grammar.

… that the way I stay indoors makes me feel like I’m becoming furniture.

… that I don’t like when people ask what I did over the weekend. I don’t know! I breathed a lot. Probably got mad a bit. Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

… that while I have a really good heart and I also have a smart mouth and I’m a little bit mean.

… that nobody is busier than me when I am not interested in you …  “Let me close the fridge and I’ll call you back.”

… that when I tell Alexa to remind me to go to the gym, she says, ‘I have added gin to your shopping list’ and I think, ‘Close enough.’

Why Is It ...

… that most of you don’t know that I was away from the blogopsphere most all day yesterday because that damned Hurricane Helene knocked our power out for nearly fourteen hours; but we’re all good now!

… that most days I wake up and spin the Wheel of Attitude and it almost always lands on bitch.

… that once I uttered the phrase, ‘Man, this escape room is hard,’ and my boss said, ‘You’re at work.’

… that I’ve discovered I am at that age where I’m old to young people and young to old people.

… that my mind is like a steel trap that is rusted shut and being pulled around by a possum drunk on fermented apples.

… that once I touch my bed, chances are 90% that all my plans are cancelled.

… that at my age y’all need to stop asking me my likes and dislikes. I like money and food and I dislike not having money and food. Please don’t stress me out.

… that I identify as danger and my pronouns are try/me.

… that people don’t see that I don’t make mistakes, but instead create unexpected outcomes.

… that since our time on Earth is limited we should not be “aging with grace,” but age with mischief, audacity and a good story to tell.