It's Monday and I'm ...

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith put on a united front on Thanksgiving, at least on Instagram, looking quite the happily married couple that hasn’t been separated for six or seven years.

Color me suspicious since these new family photos appeared right after Will’s former assistant Brother Bilaal claimed that he walked in on Smith having sex with actor Duane Marin in a dressing room several years ago.

Cue happy family pictures, I guess?

Naturally, a rep for Will vehemently denied the allegations and another says Will is “considering taking legal action” over the accusation but as of right now he’s just playing the part of happily married straight man on Instagram.

Oh goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is back again. Since she decided—or did we decide?—that her career was over Paltrow only makes headlines when she runs over skiers and then complains that her vacation was ruined.

So, how does Gwynnie get back in the spotlight? By attempting to prove that she and Dakota Johnson, who is currently dating Paltrow’s ex, Chris Martin, truly are good pals.

During a Q&A on Instagram Paltrow  was asked to post a photo with Johnson and suddenly there she was, holding hands with Dakota.

The thirst is real with Paltrow who wants nothing to do with show business but is clearly still thirsty for fame.

Now it’s Christina Aguilera’s turn to join the What Happened To Her Face Club.

After posting a TikTok video hundreds of fans commented that Aguilera looks almost unrecognizable under a full face of glam, complete with a glittery smokey eye and dark red nails and fans weren’t having it:

“no way thats Christina Aguilera.”

“Someone is pretending to be Christina Aguilera.”

“Wait, What? Is that woman Christina Aguilera?”

“I have no idea who that is??”

“that’s Christina Kardashian.”

The fans weren’t sure if she’d gone Kardastrophe or Lindsey Lohan or Madge, but she doesn’t look herself. Some fans even noticed that Christina’s signature icy blue eyes appeared to be brown.

“Who is THAT! That is not xtina, she has blue eyes not brown! And the whole thing looks like clone.”

And my favorite:

“This has gotta be AI Xtina.”

I’m all for Christians wanting to look her best but please tell me she doesn’t think her “best” is as a Kardastrophe.

Another blast from the past is one Jonathan Taylor Thomas, former Home Improvement co-star, who has apparently “resurfaced” after not being seen in two years.

The former ’90s heartthrob wore a black beanie, glasses, a light brown sweater and jeans while getting coffee in Southern California. The last time JTT was photographed was more than two years ago when he was spotted going out for a walk with his two small dogs in Los Angeles and before that, he hadn’t been glimpsed in public for eight years.

Is it drugs? Is it poverty? Or is it just him living his own life?

You see, Thomas opted out of Home Improvement in 1998 to focus on academics. He went on to study philosophy and history at Harvard and graduated from Columbia University in 2010, and also attended St. Andrews University in Scotland:

“I’d been going nonstop since I was 8 years old. I wanted to go to school, to travel and have a bit of a break. To sit in a big library amongst books and students, that was pretty cool. It was a novel experience for me. I never took the fame too seriously. It was a great period in my life, but it doesn’t define me.”

Good on him for choosing a life over the spotlight, and education over fame. Maybe he should DM Gwyneth Paltrow and show her how it’s done.

It's Snarkurday!

I’ll keep this brief: Taylor Swift is an idiot.

Okay, maybe that was too brief, so I’ll elaborate … earlier this year Swifty Swift went on a trademarking rampage that had many people calling her an idiot.

She actually filed paperwork to trademark some of her song titles and lyrics, including ‘Welcome To New York’ … seriously Swifty? ‘Cause We Never Go Out of Style,’ ‘Party Like It’s 1989,’ ‘Swiftstakes,’ ‘Swiftmas,’ and … seriously … ‘1989.’

She.Wants.To.Trademark.A.Year. Now, it’s important to note that if the application goes through, the use of the term ‘1989’ won’t be trademarked in and of itself — only when it’s in reference to her album title, as in ‘Taylor Swift’s ‘1989’ sucks balls.’

And, also to be fair to Obnoxious Nazi Barbie — trademark pending by Camille Paglia — the frenzy was started to shut down folks making coins on illegal Swifty merch, but her lawyers are also sending cease-and-desist letters to fans who are selling Swifty-related stuff on Etsy. So that lonely girl in Akron who listens to Swifty’s songs in her room at night and cries, and then uses her tears to make watercolors of Swifty to sell on-line is in big trouble y’all.

But, this crazy bitch who thinks she spins golden words out of her yap also tried to trademark the phrases “this sick beat” and “nice to meet you; where you been” because, wait for it, she wrote them in a song.

I’m’a trademark ‘Buh-Bye Swifty … No One Cares’ and ‘Adele’s Here Now … You Can Go’.

So … Kourtney Kardastrophe and Scott Disick have been on-and-off for so many years, until Kourtney finally kicked him to the curb because he’s a drunken adulterer.

But, the duo have been spending time together lately, though it’s probably contractual for that “reality” show mess, but now it looks like Kourtney has moved on …

… to Justin Bieber. Yup, the same 21-year-old Little Willy that banged one, or maybe two, Kardastrophe sisters, is now ALLEGEDLY banging another, older, Kardastrophe, 36-year-old Kourtney.

How soon before he slips it to That Woman?

It’s Real Housewife drama-a-a-a-a-a.

Bethenny Frankel has made a not-so-small fortune on her Skinny Girl booze and snacks empire, so is rightly spitting nails now that the news that her Real Housewife of New York co-star, and social drinker, Sonja Morgan has revealed plans to launch a line of liquor called Tipsy Girl — with a moniker similar to the Skinny Girl cocktail line.

So, what does the Skinny Girl do? Frankel filed trademark paperwork — who does she think she is, Taylor Swift — to own the name Tipsygirl.

Indeed, Frankel’s company, SG Marks LLC, applied to trademark “Tipsygirl” as one word while Morgan’s partner, Peter Guimaraes, registered to trademark “Tipsy Girl” — two words — seven months earlier and has called Frankel’s sneaky move “underhanded.”

So, Frankel is said to be seeking the rights to trademark ‘Sonja Morgan’ and ‘underhanded.’

I kid, but Frankel’s SG Marks does own trademarks for ‘Home Porn,’ ‘Apartment Porn,’ ‘Shoe Porn,’ ‘Kitchen Porn’ and ‘Cocktail Porn’ — in case Morgan wants to go porn trademarking.

Remember when Christina Aguilera was arrested in LA back in 2011 on suspicion of being drunk in public, but wasn’t prosecuted? And then a few months later it was rumored that she got hammered at a party at Jeremy Renner’s house and did a Goldilocks, a drunken Goldilocks, in Renner’s bed?

Yeah, she’s at it again.

It appears she was so drunk at Seth MacFarlane’s annual over-the-top Christmas bash that, while being helped out of the party, she almost fell into the Christmas tree.

Sources — and it’s not Lohan, AKA Life on the F List — say that  MacFarlane had a 50-piece orchestra at his soiree and asked many of his celebrity pals to join him onstage to sing some Sinatra tunes; even special guest, Frank’s daughter Tina Sinatra, sang.

But while Meghan Trainor, Katharine McPhee and, yes, tis true, Bill Maher sang that night, Aguilera refused to step away from the open bar.

The source says: “Seth asked her five times to come up [and sing] and she refused. [And] the reason she didn’t get up is because she was wasted.”

Later on Aguilera’s boyfriend, Matt Rutler and one of her friends had to hold her on each arm and walk her out on her 6-inch custom Louboutins when she nearly became a Christmas ornament … albeit a 100-proof ornament.

Okay, Jennifer Lawrence, we get it. You’re a tough girl who loves farts and now, apparently, barfing.

On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert recently, JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing:

“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”

And so … somewhere in England, a passed out Lindsey Lohan’s phone began vibrating with the Google alert that Jennifer Lawrence had said the name “Lindsay Lohan” on TV and … the Cracken awoke.

See, the two gals have a history that began when Lohan once ALLEGEDLY said in an ALLEGEDLY drunken interview that JLaw f*cks for roles — Lindsey’s people, AKA Dina Lohan denied that story. But Lohan has also slapped Lawrence on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes.

So maybe Lawrence was smacking back at the has-been or, even more likely, JLaw doesn’t even remember that, once upon a time, long ago in a galaxy far far away, before jewel theft, DUIs, club brawls and seven stints in rehab, Lindsey Lohan was the It girl … and then JLaw happened and it was … Lindsey who?

New York “rapper” and basic badly behaving asshat Azealia Banks is at it again.

She was arrested outside Up & Down, a club in the Meatpacking district of NYC, after she ALLEGEDLY went berserk and attacked a female security guard by punching her and “biting her in the boob.”

Banks was at the club for a private party when she got into a dispute with bouncers and was kicked out just after midnight for the Breast Assault, and for being Azealia Banks, a talentless hack with a bad attitude.

This latest arrest comes on the heels of after Banks almost being arrested for causing a ruckus on a flight from New York to LA; and she was also investigated after ALLEGEDLY assaulting a security guard at a club in LA.

So, yeah, that Azealia Banks’ career … assaults and outbursts; it doesn’t pay much but it keeps you in the news.

It's Snarkurday!

Y’all remember that last weekend Blister Palin was set to marry her war hero husband, Dakota Meyer, but called it off at the last minute when she found out her intended had already been married once before.

Blister tried to play it off like she knew about the First Missus War Hero, and said that even though there wouldn’t be a wedding, they would use the day as a Celebration of life ... um ... except Blister wasn’t into celebrating life and didn’t attend her own party.

Yup, Blister missed Mama Grizzly Bore’s™ Memorial Day barbecue because she spent the weekend in Alaska Instagramming pictures of herself to her fan. Obviously she did it to make damn sure everyone knew she was nowhere near Kentucky and her fiancé, and wants to keep up the charade that she called off the wedding, but that there were no hard feelings.

Except you stayed away from Palins and BBQ and booze. I mean, that’s a party brawl right? 

Okay, I don’t watch The Good Wife; yes, people say how great it is, but I don’t care I don’t watch it … bite me.

But I was reading about Archie Panjabi, who recently left her role of The Good Wife and is now co-starring in some disaster-epic-craptastic The Rock move about earthquakes that we’ve all seen a hundred times before. But that’s neither here nor there …

The story is that Panjabi and The Good Wife star Julianna Margulies — who allegedly forced Panjabi out because her character was very popular — finally filmed a scene together for Panjabi’s last episode, only they really didn’t … Many people thought the awkward scene had been achieved with stand-ins, green screens and CGI, and now a producer has basically confirmed all that by admitting that Panjabi and Margulies weren’t even in the same room at the same time.

Wow, that must have been some catfight to send one actress packing and to make it impossible to get the two women together on camera one last time. But I guess the green-screen, CGI scene probably helped Panjabi prepare for her role in that CGI-master-craptastic-piece San Andreas where, even when she was acting in a scene with Dwayne Johnson, it probably felt like she was talking to a cardboard cutout.

When last we left Real Housewife Kim Richards, she had been arrested at the Beverly Hills Hotel for being drunk and disorderly, which she followed up with a widely crazy appearance on “Dr.” Phil, at which time he tried to coerce her into rehab and she refused.

Eventually, Richards did decide to check into a facility — her fourth time in rehab at an unnamed facility — that is said to be similar to a Four Seasons, meaning mini-bars and room service, because she could come and go as she pleased, and leave for days on end to attend her daughter Brooke’s second wedding — to the same guy … the first go-round was filmed for the Real Housewives show — in Mexico.

Where she allegedly got drunk. Quelle surprise. She ALLEGEDLY drunkenly raged at her daughter Brooke, who is now also not speaking to her, cursed out the groom and his family, and so embarrassed her sober coach, who came along probably for the free trip and all the champagne she could snatch from Kim’s hand, that she got so pissed off she up and left.

And then Kim failed to return to rehab after her boozy weekend.

Lohan? This is you in 25 years honey.

I love Christina Aguilera. And I know she’s a raging diva, but that’s how I like my divas to roil. But maybe Christina has taken it too far because now it looks like she’ll be fired from The Voice because no one likes her.

A network insider — and it cannot be Lohan because of the words ‘network’ and ‘insider’ — says,  “No one wants Christina to come back as a judge on season nine of The Voice.”

Apparently Aguilera has angered everyone on the show with her antics this season including constantly being late to the show, and holding up production, and fighting with that other diva, Adam Levine. The source continues:

“She was really difficult to work with this season. Tensions between her and Adam were consistent, but she also just had a really bad attitude. She showed up late a lot, took forever for hair and makeup and was just very demanding.”

Well, to that I say, Duh. She’s.A.Diva! That’s what they do! And that’s how I like ‘em.

If you noticed, or cared, Katy Perry was noticeably absent from the Billboards Music Awards because, well, it was Swifty’s turn to win all of the awards.

Now, it appears that Perry was planning on going until her on-again-off-again-on-again boyfriend — and Swifty ex — John Mayer convinced her to stay home … to write a whole bunch of new songs trashing Taylor Swift based on stories that walking STD known as John Mayer told her.

Gosh, I miss high school and the mean girls and their whipped little boyfriends.

Shortbite:

La County Prosecutor Terry White has confirmed that Lindsay Lohan has completed her oft-0delayed community service by working 8 hours a day … without a break mind you so forget those pictures of Lindsay standing outside the Brooklyn children’s center chain-smoking …to get the job done.

Yes, for the first time in seven years Lindsay Lohan is not on probation.

And how long will that last?

When last we left Johnny Depp he was Down under smuggling his tiny dogs into the country, until authorities told him to remove the pooches — Australia has a ten-day quarantine on animals entering the country — or else the dogs would be put down.

And Johnny did send the pooches home. But the story isn’t done because now people want to know how the Great Puppy Smuggling Incident of 2105 went down.

Apparently, a customs official checked the private jet before Johnny, the crew and the rest of the passengers got off so they’re wondering how he got them in. Perhaps wrapped up in those twelve-foot long scarves he wears? Or hiding in Johnny’s matted hair? Or maybe he gerbil'd ‘em? Just sayin’.

I kid but Australia is mad and, if they find out who hid the dogs, and how they got into Oz, the pilot of the private jet could also face up to 2 years in jail. In addition, if Depp is found to be the one who smuggled the dogs in, he may also get jail time … or be forced to take a bath at least.

A Little Snark For Saturday ...

I’ve said it once; I’ve said it a hundred times; I’ll say it again: Do not get into a fight with Naomi Campbell. I still have the Blackberry dent in my forehead from where she beaned me with her phone. But, but, if you’re gonna throw down with Campbell, maybe ask model Cara Delevingne to back you up. See, Naomi and Cara ALLEGEDLY got into a catfight after a shrieking fit turned into fisticuffs during Paris Fashion Week. Witnesses — and it was probably Lohan working as a cater waiter  — say Naomi was shouting at Cara, and then the pushing and shoving started. Cara snatched some of Naomi’s weave out her head and Campbell got in a couple of swings, but ... what started the brawl? Rihanna. The witness — again, Hi LiLo — says, “Naomi accused Cara of ‘disrespecting’ Rihanna and started yelling, ­before Naomi pushed Cara, who pushed back.” One source — Team Cara — says, “It was a noisy and packed party. Naomi was saying all these nonsensical things, she was ranting. There was a messy pushing match. Cara didn’t understand because there’s no problem between her and Rihanna. Cara didn’t want to be involved and was telling Naomi, ‘Get away from me!’ ” But another source — Team Naomi — says, Campbell had been chatting with Dakota Fanning, and added, “Naomi didn’t do anything wrong. We are talking about a very tiny club in Paris with a very busy table — if someone pushes someone, it’s because there is no space.” Naomi later went partying at Up and Down’s pop-up at Raspoutine, where a spy said, “Everyone was talking about the drama with Cara, but Naomi just smiled angelically.” And held onto her phone.

First off, when you hire Christina Aguilera, you know you’re hiring a diva, right? So then why get all pissy when the diva goes diva? Well, sources — it might be Britney this time cuz she hates Xtina — say Xtina went overboard with her demands during a guest appearance on Nashville, where she’s playing pop diva with a stripper name, Jade St. John: “She’s asked for not one but three hairdressers to be on call 24 hours a day because she’s so worried about what the Nashville weather will do to her hair. And her wardrobe options are twice the size of anyone else’s. She insisted that she looks sexier than any other cast member and even wants her heels to be the highest.” First off, I get the three hairdressers; I mean, it takes a village to get that platinum looking platinum every day, especially in the Tennessee humidity! But, maybe Xtina was just maintaining her diva-tude from The Voice? See, after coming back from maternity leave, Xtina ALLEGEDLY reminded everyone on the show why they hate her: "Christina is such a terror to work with. She is frequently late and she doesn’t even seem to care or apologize for holding up the filming of the show. To make matters worse, she is constantly fighting with Adam. They cannot stand each other.”  Maybe Xtina learned the public preferred Gwen Stefani or Shakira to her, and when the producers tried to get either woman back on the show — on a temporary basis — Xtina shut it down! She ALLEGEDLY wants to be the only woman on the show and that may actually be in her contract. But, like I said, you hire Xtina, you expect diva, so when you get diva, you just need to sit down.

So, y’all remember that Pamela Anderson remarried her ex-husband, Rick Salomon, back in 2013 or early 2014 — no one seems exactly sure — and then filed for divorce just six months later? And then she asked a judge to dismiss the divorce filing, only to refile aging this year. Straight people and marriage; how come no one wants to legislate that? Anyway … now things are messy.  Pam has gotten a restraining order against Rick, claiming that there is a “pattern of abuse” and that he hurt her. In fact, she says that while they were married he ALLEGEDLY tried to smother her while they were having sex. The restraining order also claims that when Salomon is “upset,” he calls her “cruel names” such as “slut,” “ugly old b––” and “crack whore.” Let’s see: rough sex, and dirty names; it sounds like a drunken night gone too far. But Anderson ALLEGEDLY kept all his crazy texts and emails, like the ones in which he calls her a “cutter” and a “serial baby killer with her husbands.” He also claims she had begged him to get her pregnant while they were married and accused her of being a fraud because the PETA diva eats fish. Gosh; I think these crazy kids will patch this up and get back together, and then divorce next year. Or … they won’t patch this up, and they will get divorced, and then get married again next year. Again, why doesn’t anyone want to legislate against these opposite sex couples making a mockery of marriage? Oh yeah … straight.

It must be like a circus inside Kanye’s head, with all those voices telling him to do and say crazy things … like when he said that the President of the United States, Barack Obama, calls him at home just to talk. The same Obama that called Kanye as ‘ass’ after his running the stage on Taylor Swift at the VMA’s. Except, that while appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week and asked about calling Kanye, Obama said, “I don’t think I’ve got his home number.” Well, some paparazzi caught up with Kanye later and told him that Obama denied the phone story, and the voices in Kanye’s head said: “I love Obama. He called our house before. He knows that. Don’t try to pit us against each other. I love Obama.” So basically, if you call Kanye out for lying, you’re trying to pit him against the person he’s lying about. Kanye. Dial down the voices, hon, the Krazy if getting’ real.

Wow, Justin Bieber got into a wee fight with David Arquette at his 21st birthday bash last weekend in Vegas. Rumor has it that Arquette was “pretty messed up” by the time the after-party kicked off in the birthday boy’s suite, and was openly “talking about Bieber behind his back.” And Justin don’t roll like that: “Justin heard what David had been saying, and threw him out of his suite with the help of a friend, because they didn’t have security up there. Somehow David managed to get back in and rushed at Bieber to take him out. There was a confrontation, then other people got in the way to separate them. David was thrown out again, this time for good.” Still, the bigger question is why is forty-three-year-old David Arquette going to a twenty-one-year-old Justin Bieber’s birthday party? Seriously, get drunk with friends your own age.

I’ve said it once; I’ve said it a hundred times; I’ll say it again: Do not get into a fight with Naomi Campbell. I still have the Blackberry dent in my forehead from where she beaned me with her phone. But, but, if you’re gonna throw down with Campbell, maybe ask model Cara Delevingne to back you up.

See, Naomi and Cara ALLEGEDLY got into a catfight after a shrieking fit turned into fisticuffs during Paris Fashion Week. Witnesses — and it was probably Lohan working as a cater waiter  — say Naomi was shouting at Cara, and then the pushing and shoving started. Cara snatched some of Naomi’s weave out her head and Campbell got in a couple of swings, but ... what started the brawl?

Rihanna. The witness — again, Hi LiLo — says, “Naomi accused Cara of ‘disrespecting’ Rihanna and started yelling, ­before Naomi pushed Cara, who pushed back.”

One source — Team Cara — says, “It was a noisy and packed party. Naomi was saying all these nonsensical things, she was ranting. There was a messy pushing match. Cara didn’t understand because there’s no problem between her and Rihanna. Cara didn’t want to be involved and was telling Naomi, ‘Get away from me!’ ”

But another source — Team Naomi — says, Campbell had been chatting with Dakota Fanning, and added, “Naomi didn’t do anything wrong. We are talking about a very tiny club in Paris with a very busy table — if someone pushes someone, it’s because there is no space.”

Naomi later went partying at Up and Down’s pop-up at Raspoutine, where a spy said, “Everyone was talking about the drama with Cara, but Naomi just smiled angelically.”

And held onto her phone.

First off, when you hire Christina Aguilera, you know you’re hiring a diva, right? So then why get all pissy when the diva goes diva?

Well, sources — it might be Britney this time cuz she hates Xtina — say Xtina went overboard with her demands during a guest appearance on Nashville, where she’s playing pop diva with a stripper name, Jade St. John:

“She’s asked for not one but three hairdressers to be on call 24 hours a day because she’s so worried about what the Nashville weather will do to her hair. And her wardrobe options are twice the size of anyone else’s. She insisted that she looks sexier than any other cast member and even wants her heels to be the highest.”

First off, I get the three hairdressers; I mean, it takes a village to get that platinum looking platinum every day, especially in the Tennessee humidity!

But, maybe Xtina was just maintaining her diva-tude from The Voice? See, after coming back from maternity leave, Xtina ALLEGEDLY reminded everyone on the show why they hate her:

"Christina is such a terror to work with. She is frequently late and she doesn’t even seem to care or apologize for holding up the filming of the show. To make matters worse, she is constantly fighting with Adam. They cannot stand each other.” 

Maybe Xtina learned the public preferred Gwen Stefani or Shakira to her, and when the producers tried to get either woman back on the show — on a temporary basis — Xtina shut it down! She ALLEGEDLY wants to be the only woman on the show and that may actually be in her contract.

But, like I said, you hire Xtina, you expect diva, so when you get diva, you just need to sit down.

So, y’all remember that Pamela Anderson remarried her ex-husband, Rick Salomon, back in 2013 or early 2014 — no one seems exactly sure — and then filed for divorce just six months later? And then she asked a judge to dismiss the divorce filing, only to refile aging this year.

Straight people and marriage; how come no one wants to legislate that?

Anyway … now things are messy.  Pam has gotten a restraining order against Rick, claiming that there is a “pattern of abuse” and that he hurt her. In fact, she says that while they were married he ALLEGEDLY tried to smother her while they were having sex. The restraining order also claims that when Salomon is “upset,” he calls her “cruel names” such as “slut,” “ugly old b––” and “crack whore.”

Let’s see: rough sex, and dirty names; it sounds like a drunken night gone too far.

But Anderson ALLEGEDLY kept all his crazy texts and emails, like the ones in which he calls her a “cutter” and a “serial baby killer with her husbands.” He also claims she had begged him to get her pregnant while they were married and accused her of being a fraud because the PETA diva eats fish.

Gosh; I think these crazy kids will patch this up and get back together, and then divorce next year. Or … they won’t patch this up, and they will get divorced, and then get married again next year.

Again, why doesn’t anyone want to legislate against these opposite sex couples making a mockery of marriage? Oh yeah … straight.

It must be like a circus inside Kanye’s head, with all those voices telling him to do and say crazy things … like when he said that the President of the United States, Barack Obama, calls him at home just to talk. The same Obama that called Kanye as ‘ass’ after his running the stage on Taylor Swift at the VMA’s.

Except, that while appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week and asked about calling Kanye, Obama said, “I don’t think I’ve got his home number.”

Well, some paparazzi caught up with Kanye later and told him that Obama denied the phone story, and the voices in Kanye’s head said:

“I love Obama. He called our house before. He knows that. Don’t try to pit us against each other. I love Obama.”

So basically, if you call Kanye out for lying, you’re trying to pit him against the person he’s lying about.

Kanye. Dial down the voices, hon, the Krazy if getting’ real.

Wow, Justin Bieber got into a wee fight with David Arquette at his 21st birthday bash last weekend in Vegas.

Rumor has it that Arquette was “pretty messed up” by the time the after-party kicked off in the birthday boy’s suite, and was openly “talking about Bieber behind his back.”

And Justin don’t roll like that: “Justin heard what David had been saying, and threw him out of his suite with the help of a friend, because they didn’t have security up there. Somehow David managed to get back in and rushed at Bieber to take him out. There was a confrontation, then other people got in the way to separate them. David was thrown out again, this time for good.”

Still, the bigger question is why is forty-three-year-old David Arquette going to a twenty-one-year-old Justin Bieber’s birthday party? Seriously, get drunk with friends your own age. 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It looks like uber rich David Geffen is having boy drama again.

It seems that the 71-year-old Geffen’s 20-year-old ex-boyfriend — who was kicked off his college football team for making out with his wealthy daddy in the press box during a game … he initially told school officials Geffen was his grandfather but that didn’t explain the lip-lock — was arrested last October for violating the terms of a restraining order.

Jamie Kuntz is accused "of following, harassing and making a 'credible threat' against Geffen sometime between September and November, and he is now facing a felony stalking charge and a minor misdemeanor charge for allegedly disobeying a court order to stay away from his former lover.

I bet David Geffen wishes he could go back to the good old days when the only gossip about him was that he’d married Keanu Reeves.

Oh, and by the way, the only time 20 goes into 71 is when there’s a money exchange involved. Just sayin’.

Gosh, I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. And the fact that she name-drops her own mother to her own soon-to-be-or-not husband makes me loathe her all the more.

It seems Goop was hanging out in the Hamptons with her consciously-uncoupled-towel-boy-slash-singer-slash-sometimes-husband at a spa, where said ex, AKA Chris Martin was paying for a one-hour massage.

Naturally, bored by her pedestrian husband, Gwyneth busied herself with texts and phone calls while he mopped the sweat from her forehead. But, when he asked to whom she was speaking — he’s English, that’s how they talk ... "to whom" — Goop said, and this is where I die:

“Blythe Danner“. Her.Mother.

I guess ‘Mom’ or ‘Mother’ is just too common for Paltrow. I also guess that on the other end of that phone call, Blythe Danner was mouthing the words: How did this bitch get my new number? to the help.

So many women — twenty eight at last count — have come forward with strikingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby that most people believe he has a standard M.O. and is a sexual predator. So what does Cosby do? Well, he urged the “black” media to stay neutral, i.e. don’t ever mention it; he sat back while his wife sang his praises as a victim, and now this …

Cosby has hired an entire fleet of private investigators to dig up information on the women who are coming forward because, god forbid, if a woman who says Cosby drugged her and raped her and then sent her on her way, well, then she deserves to have the whole world know she has unpaid parking tickets, or didn’t clean her apartment before she moved, or drinks, or swears or had had multiple sex partners.

See, any woman who would do all that — and I mean twenty eight women who would do all that — would obviously also lie about being raped by the Jell-O pudding man.

Way to shame and blame the victims, Mr. Cosby, rather than stand up and fight. Or is that because they’re all telling the truth?

God Madge, please sit down. After several songs were leaked from her upcoming album, Madonna claimed she was the victim of a terrorist attack not unlike, I imagine, the families of those killed on 9/11’s terrorist attack, now she’s taken to comparing it to being raped.

Drama.Queen.

But, to me, what she’s most upset about is that, after the songs were leaked, she and her team decided to release six tracks for that upcoming album and every single one of them has bombed … not unlike a terrorist attack. The songs barely made an impact; in fact, there was a “nosedive” in sales after the first week, which saw her in lucky number 13. Now her single with Nicki Minaj, “Unapologetic Bitch” is down to #188, while “Living for Love” is #529.

In addition to all of that, one of the songs — “Two Steps Behind” — is allegedly about Lady Gaga whose own albums are still out-selling Madge’s Rebel Heart.

Poor Madge, being out-sold by her rival and Taylor Swift, a girl young enough to be her, well, almost granddaughter.

Back in September, Jeremy Renner is divorcing his wife of ten months — and mother of his daughter — Sonni Pacheco.

Didn’t know he was married? Probably because he kept it a secret until last September. But now it’s about to get ugly up in there, with all kinds of speculation that Jeremy married Sonni to help her stay in America, or that she was just the surrogate baby mama to Jeremy and his business partner boyfriend.

Sonni Pacheco is seeking the split over irreconcilable differences and … get this … she says he stole her passport, birth certificate and Social Security card. Pacheco says they have a prenup, but adds that it should be torn up because it was based on fraud.

No further detail about what she means by “fraud” but the last time I heard “fraud” used in a divorce proceeding was when Zellweger was seeking an annulment of her four month-long marriage to the long-rumored-to-be-gay, Kenny Chesney. Just sayin’.

Lindsay Lohan has been infected with the Chikungunya virus while on vacation in French Polynesia — give her a break, she worked steadily for about eight weeks this year so she deserves a little time off — but says she will not let it ruin her vacation.

In unrelated news ... giggle ... every single pharmacy in French Polynesia is completely out of pain meds.

Coinky-dink? I think not.

I love Christina Aguilera but, gurl, she’s a diva who can make Mimi look positively sweet.

A couple of weeks ago Christina went to Disneyland in Anaheim to celebrate her birthday with friends and family and she went off on The Mouse.

She was ALLEGEDLY quite rude to fans that approached her asking for a photo but then the tables turned when she couldn’t get a photo with Mickey Mouse. It seems the person behind the Mouse ears was leaving the area for his break when she asked for a picture and was told she would have to wait until he came back; she went all Reese-Witherspoon-Without-The-Vodka on him, asking Don’t you know who I am??

And then she called Mickey Mouse, the symbol of the happiest place on Earth, an asshole. Mickey had to be ushered to a safe zone before he went all Gangsta Rodent on the pop tart.

Okay, so we all know Justin Bieber wouldn’t know the truth if it egged his house, right?

I mean, he once said he’d bought a yacht when all he was really doing was hanging out on some rich family’s boat; he once took a photo of a Bugatti and said it was his car when, in fact, it actually belonged to Birdman.

Now, he says he bought himself a new plane for Christmas, and proudly Social-Media’d — Yes, it’s a verb — pictures all over; he captioned the picture: “New jet for Christmas, and she’s beautiful.”

Trouble is that the G4 on which he posed is for sale, but Bieber never bought it. It was just another lie, like the lie that he’s got talent for anything more than being a douche.