The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Steve Sack, CrowdBlue, Marc Murphy, Dave Whamond, Pedro X Molina, Dennis Goris, Adam Zyglis, Michael de Adder, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Gary Huck,

Bobservations

The other night, while watching the telly, Tuxedo climbed into my lap, curled up and fell asleep. Ozzo walked over to Carlos, who tried to get Ozzo into his lap, but Ozzo knows who’s the boss, and when he looked at me for permission, I said:

“No.”

Carlos said:

“It’s unfair. The cats can get on all the furniture, but Ozzo can’t.”

I replied:

“The cats have retractable claws. Ozzo doesn’t and he can ruin the furniture.”

Carlos said:

“But Tuxedo is in your lap, why can’t Ozzo sit in mine.”

I replied:

“Because there are different rules for dogs and cats in this house, just like there are different rules for white people and Mexicans.”

Ouch. Lucky for me, he laughed ... and then started building a wall.

Why don’t I like Walmart, you ask …

In Wichita Falls, Texas, local police were called to a Walmart after a woman was reported to be drinking wine from a Pringles can and riding an electric cart in the parking lot. Officers found the woman at a nearby restaurant and told her she was banned from the Walmart. 

Imagine that … banned from Walmart,

One morning I heard Carlos get up to take his shower. I, however, was nowhere near ready to wake up, so I drifted back to sleep where I dreamt that Carlos had gone to some sunny beach spot for a work seminar. And I stayed home; except I didn’t.

I snuck off to surprise him. But when I got to the unnamed, though gorgeous, beach hotel—and let me just say, I dream in vivid color and detail, so it was some swanky spot—and buzzed Carlos’ room, he didn’t answer. I tried several times that first day and he never answered. I thought maybe he was at a seminar class, so I coerced a maid into letting me into the room where, and this is a dream, remember, so there’s no rhyme or reason, I stole his shoes. I guess I was hoping he’d realize it was me, except he didn’t. I still didn’t hear from him.

So, I called his cell phone; it rang and rang and rang, and when it finally picked up, it clearly wasn’t Carlos but some other man. I was pissed. And then I heard Carlos behind me ….

Sweetie pie? Sweetie pie? … It’s time to get up …

And there he was on the bed  waking me up from my dream. And  even after I told him what he’d done in my dream, he never apologized for ditching me and not answering his phone or explaining who that was who picked up when I called!

A traveler carrying a firearm boarded a Delta Air Lines flight from Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport and flew to Tokyo Narita International Airport on January 3, according to a statement from the Transportation Security Administration [TSA].

The security breach came two weeks into the government shutdown, during which TSA agents have been required to work but have not received paychecks, however, the TSA dismissed suggestions the government shutdown contributed to the security lapse.

Uh huh.

I have an idea for the next government shutdown, and you know there’ll be one as long as _____ is in office and doesn’t get his way. Howsabout rather than furloughing workers, or forcing people to work without pay, a government shutdown means that the president, his Cabinet, all members of the House and Senate, all state officials from the governor on down, work without pay?

Why punish the workers? Punish those responsible for the shutdown, those who refuse to work together on all sides.

That’s what I’d do.

That was then ….

“I honestly try and walk with Jesus Christ every day … My relationship with Jesus Christ is not lip service. It is of utmost importance to me. It is even more important than my relationship with my wife. I know that my wife considers her relationship with Him more important than her relationship with me. Ultimately, that’s who I’m going to have to face. That’s going to be a great day.”—Born-again Christian and former World Series MVP John Wetteland

This is now … John Wetteland was arrested and charged with child sex abuse. Wetteland allegedly sexually abused a 4-year-old relative beginning in 2004 when he forced the child to perform a sex act on him.

Just sayin’.

Carol Channing has passed away at 97.

Five years ago, when she was asked if there was anything she hadn’t gotten around to doing yet, she replied:

“No, I did everything that I ever thought was marvelous.”

And that’s how you live.

RIP Miss Channing

As someone who is utterly out-of-touch, woefully inept, morally bankrupt, inarticulate as fuck, _____ actually Tweeted praise for himself for serving the National Football Champion Clemson Tigers fast food at their celebratory White House visit.

Alas, because he’s dumb as a stump, he bungled the spelling of the word “hamburgers” and instead called them “hamberders” and, well, Burger King ran with it.

And then there was Barack and Hillary ...

And then this ...

A couple of news shows, with a couple of new hotties …

The Passage is the story of a botched U.S. government experiment that turns a group of death row inmates into highly infectious vampires; I’m a sucker for a vampire tale … see what I did there?

It stars McKinley Belcher III, top … I’m assuming …  and Henry Ian Cusick—a lost hottie on the bottom right—so it might be worth a look-see.

Then there’s Valley of the Boom, a look at the tech boom of the 1990s in Silicon Valley. One of the leads is Dakota Shapiro, bottom left; he has that kind of not-hot-but-hot look about him.

Oh, Eugene Delgaudio, You're A Dumbass

Eugene Delgaudio, a Republican, of course, a conservative, of course, from Loudoun County, Virginia actually believes that those new enhanced TSA pat-downs at airports are, get this, part of a "wide-scale homosexual agenda."

That's right! In addition to marriage equality, the ability to live and work where we choose without getting fired or evicted for being gay, the ability to walk down a public street and not wonder if we're going to be attacked for being gay, wanting to see the end of DADT, we are all about the groping at the airports.

Delgaudio, who made his wingnut remarks in an email, sent in his capacity as president of a conservative non-profit group that calls itself  Public Advocate of the United States, also says the TSA's non-discrimination hiring policy is "the federal employee's version of the Gay Bill of Special rights."

"That means," wrote Delgaudio, "the next TSA official that gives you an enhanced pat-down could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission." 


Hey, Eugene, asshat? We have better things to do, and it seems to me that you're a little obsessed about the new grope-and-fly rules.

Thanks to L A Cochran for the heads up on this wingnut [source]

Odds'n'Ends

I haven't talked about this whole TSA scanning mess because, well, everyone else was doing it, and doing just fine. But now, since it's the story that won't die, and since there is an ALLEGED plot to shut down the system tomorrow, the biggest travel day of the year, by having everyone ask for the pat down, I thought I'd throw in my two-cents. So, here there are:
Build a fucking bridge and get over it.
Seriously. If you're that worried about you scanned image being seen, and laughed at, or titillating a TSA agent, then opt out and go for the pat down. If you are that worried about the pat down, that a TSA agent might touch your junk, or that you might get a little aroused, then opt out of that and find the nearest bus station, train  station, or car rental agency and travel unscanned and unfondled to your heart's content.
See, I think the people that are the most enraged are actually people who don't fly often. And I think the people that fly often are more upset about any added delay rather than a scan and a hand job. As for this National Opt Out Day, do you really think the airlines are going to hold flights because everyone is getting a TSA massage? No; you'll just miss your flight and bitch about that.
Grow a pair, or strap a pair on.
One more thing, the very people complaining about this invasion of privacy are the very same people who would file a lawsuit against an airline if a family member died as a result of a terrorist attempt on board a plane.

Well, it looks like Grampa McCain might have to eat his words. According to the Pentagon there were no discharges under Don't Ask, Don't Tell last month. And there were no stories of a lack of unit cohesion or morale or gays hitting on guys in the shower.
Grampa? You're old. You're out of touch.

I still get the giggles when I think of Mama Grizzly Bore's assertion that she believes she can beat Barack Obama in 2012. I mean, does she think they'll be competing on Dancing With The Stars or something? I just read a new poll that, while it shows that some 49% think Obama shouldn't run for reelection, it shows that if he did, he'd beat The Bore by about 8-percentage points.
I believe she can run, back to Alaska to find more ways to scam the American people out of their hard earned dollars by "writing" another book.
Sidenote: Mama Grizzly Bore says she won't ever do another interview with Katie Couric because Katie is biased against her because she asked tough questions about the Constitution and what books or newspapers MGB reads. And then MGB goes on to say that she got a degree on communications from one of the many colleges she attended before finally graduating, so she knows how to be a good journalist. She knows how to ask the Who, What, Where, Where, Why and How questions.....she just doesn't know how to answer them.

The Southern Poverty Law Center [SPLC] has recently added a couple of mare na\mes to their list of hate groups. and they are: the Family Research Council and the American Family Association.
Yes, these two morally superior organizations that preach to know what's best for this country are now listed as hate groups.
Sounds about right.