It's Snarkurday!

If Ryan Murphy needs a storyline for season two of Feud — after season one’s epic Davis v Crawford howl-a-palooza — he need look no further than the feud brewing between Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber [ALW] and Nicole Sherzinger.

And I get first dibs on casting: Arianna Grande will play Sherzinger and Lloyd Webber will be portrayed by Grumpy Cat. Cat? Get it …

When ALW’s Cats revival opened in London in 2014 Sherzinger was cast as the glamour cat Grizabella and, at that time, ALW was over the moon about her performance, saying Nicole’s version of “Memory” was the greatest recording of his music ever … besting that of original Grizabella, Betty Buckley, that of Barbra Streisand, and that of the ex-missus ALW, Sarah Brightman.

It was then announced that Sherzinger would bring her Grizabella to Broadway but, quicker than you can say ‘Fire Patti LuPone and get me Glenn Close,’ Sherzinger was no longer part of the NYC reboot; a rep for the show said the casting for Grizabella would be announced later. But then ALW threw some kitty litter at Nicole: 

“A week before we were due to go into rehearsal for Cats on Broadway … she calls me and says she’s decided she wants to do X Factor, having agreed to everything. I mean, she’s crazy. But the American producers just took a view, ‘Well, fine, we’ll get somebody else’, because she’s actually not very well known in America, amazingly. … I’m furious because … I went out on a limb to get her … and it makes me look like an absolute twat … But never mind, there’ll be another girl on Broadway and Nicole will not get her Tony award.”

I was kinda hoping Sherzinger would sharpen her claws and dig into some pasty ALW flesh, but instead she said her contract to do Broadway was never finalized and they just couldn’t make it work and she hopes to work with Andrew again and  Blibetty Blah Blay Blue where’s my catfight!?!

I mean all I got out of this was ALW calling himself a twat and that is just not enough!

I’m no Beyoncé fan because Beyoncé is all about making coins no matter what. I mean, when the stories started about her husband being a massive cheater she stayed quiet until she found a way — Lemonade — to make some dollars off the story.

And now this … the British tabloid The Sun has revealed that the workers manufacturing Beyoncé’s new athletic line Ivy Park work up to 60 hours a week and earn $6.17 per day.

Uh huh; while Beyoncé pockets millions. The Sun reports that Ivy Park, Beyoncé’s collaboration with Top Shop is being produced in inhumane conditions at the MAS Holdings factory in Sri Lanka. And Beyoncé says the line was created to inspire and support women … as long as it’s just six bucks a day worth of support.

The brand — AKA Beyoncé — has responded to ALLEGATIONS saying:

“Ivy Park has a rigorous ethical trading program. We are proud of our sustained efforts in terms of factory inspections and audits, and our teams worldwide work very closely with our suppliers and their factories to ensure compliance.”

As for the low wages, the MAS factory — which also produces apparel for Speedo, Nike, Lululemon, and Patagonia — pays workers more than double the Sri Lankan minimum wage but at six bucks a day most of the women making Beyoncé’s fashion cannot afford to buy any.

But hey, Bey’s making coins so, yeah ….

So, Mariah Carey was the centerpiece of ­NBCUniversal’s upfronts last week about their new shows — like Mimi’s “reality” show Mariah’s World — and, true to form, the diva was, well, diva’d beyond belief.

After tripping on the curb in her platform shoes and sequined zebra-print mini dress and fishnets — I swear, hookers dress classier — Mimi was literally carried onstage on a chaise by two men.

In addition, she arrived with a huge entourage of hair people and makeup folks and fashion stylists and hoisters — that’s what you call the poor unfortunate souls who lift Mimi off the ground — and various hangers-on. And while she didn’t topple over after that first time, Mariah had her team of spacklers and airbrushers touch her up more than six times during a five minute interview.

After the interview, Mariah changed into a skintight sequined bathing suit and once again had two men, this time with their shirts off so one could see their muscles straining — carry her to the stage.

In a past concert rider, Mimi famously insisted that she “doesn’t do stairs.”

Then, before performing, Mimi, who usually sleeps until 3PM, wished everyone a good morning and said she was there to wake them up.

It was 12:45 PM.

I’m not sure what Cara Delevingne is known for … acting? Modeling? A Taylor Swift BFF? Or being a diva of Carey-esque proportions.

Recently Delevingne was detained by security after cussing out train staff. She was about to board a Eurostar train traveling from London to Paris for her sister’s birthday when a security officer pulled her bag for a random search.

Cara wasn’t feeling a search of her luggage — did she go all Reese ‘Do you know who I am?' Witherspoon? — and ALLEGEDLY flipped out on the security officer with a slew of verbal assaults of the four-letter kind. When another security officer came over to try to calm her down, she went after them too.

So, Cara took a time-out from her tantrum and pulled out her cellphone which is a train security no-no. When she was told to put it away, she screamed “F**k you” at the officer who continued searching her bags, presumably looking for Cara’s manners. And when she realized her freak-out was doing no one any good at all, Cara got down on her knees and put her hands together as if she was praying for the whole thing to be over.

Alas, it was not; the diva actress-model-hanger-on-b*tch was then taken into an interrogation room and detained for an hour, after which she was released, red-eyed from crying and suddenly all apologetic.

Oh, and she was also slapped … with a fine for verbal assault.

Seriously. She should’a gone all Reese on their asses, or at the very least summoned Swifty’s Posse to come to her aid.

Sharon Stone usually goes to Cannes every year to host — and by host I mean collect a check for doing a meet-and-greet — a party for luxury jeweler de Grisogono’s swanky party at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc.

But this year Sharon demanded a lot of perks to host, like a check for $300,000, eight separate rooms at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc for the week and a private jet to whisk her to and from Cannes.

Sadly, times aren’t what they used to be for Sharon and de Grisogono turned down her request and got another “celebrity” to host their event.

Kim Kardastrophe. And all she got for her troubles was a pair of earrings … that she got to wear but then had to return. Bam.

Over there at House of Cards, Robin Wright wasn’t exactly pleased that she was paid less to star in the show than Kevin Spacey even though their roles are as equally as important. So she demanded a huge raise … or else. And the powers that be buckled.

I was feeling all “Good for her,” until I learned that Spacey pockets $500,000 an episode while Wright gets $420,000 an episode.

Yeah, that’s not exactly a huge pay gap … Wright makes about $60,000 a day and if she worked all 24 hours in a day that comes out to $2,500 an hour so … still, if the producers cut some of the budget for Spacey’s rugs and hair glue, they could cough up extra coins for Robin.

So last week Chris Brown and his friends were Cara Delevingne ‘d, er, thrown off a private jet bound for Cannes after the pilot complained that the cabin reeked of weed.

According to a police report, the pilot warned the Brown Crowd not to smoke on the plane but apparently the pilot didn’t know this was Chris Brown who doesn’t follow rules set by anyone. So the Brown crowd went ahead and ALLEGEDLY stank up the joint and so the pilot, while stopped in Miami, called police who told everyone to get off the plane.

Chris Brown is saying the story is nothing but hot … pot … air and, right after arriving in Cannes, on a different plane, released a statement:

“Cannes, we are here. We’re gonna party up. Turn up tonight, I can’t wait. Seen something on TMZ talking about we got escorted off a plane? How the hell we in Cannes if we got escorted off a plane? One. Marijuana smoke on the plane? I think we kinda learned that lesson. I don’t think we really need drugs on the plane. But you probably should check with the pilot, because he definitely kept asking my homies for an 8-ball. And we definitely don’t sell drugs. So, Imma be rich, stay rich, and happy.”

Yeah, he doesn’t sound high at all; and he maintains they never got bounced from the plane despite a police report to the contrary.

Like I said … high. 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So ... Rosie's gone from The View, but she left a bit of carnage in her wake, and one of the bodies floating in the water is Whoopi Goldberg.

See, Rosie O’Donnell’s departure from the show has derailed negotiations for Whoopi to star in a new ABC prime-time series, Delores and Jermaine. Sources say Whoopi was set to leave the daytime show to star in the new show, but with Rosie's sudden departure, View producers put the kibosh on that.

Goldberg has downplayed any drama, saying:

“I’ve always been able to come and go as I choose. It’s been in the contract to allow me to go and make movies if I wanted to or do something if I wanted to. ... but I also have bosses. They make decisions … sometimes you don’t like them and you have to live with them.”

Sounds like she's nursing the wounds inflicted by Tropical Depression Rosie.

Emile Hirsch is working on himself, or so his people say, after he ALLEGEDLY entered rehab on the heels of the news that he’s being charged with assault for ALLEGEDLY attacking a woman at Tao nightclub during the Sundance Film Festival last month.

His attorney, and for once the bad boy [or girl] celebrity isn't being represented by Shawn Holley, Robert Offer says:

“The facts that I can relay are that he consumed an enormous amount of alcohol on the evening in question and he doesn’t have any memory of what happened at the time of the allegations. However, Emile takes these allegations very seriously, and is devastated that any of this has occurred. A few days after the incident, Emile sought help and checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he remains today, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. Emile is continuing to cooperate fully with authorities.”

According to the complaint, Hollywood exec Daniele Bernfeld says she was choked by Hirsch who called her a “rich kid” at the onset of the confrontation. He then pulled her across the table and onto the floor, where he landed on top of her. While Hirsch was on top of Bernfeld he wrapped his hands around her neck, choking her.

Hirsch, while acknowledging that he attacked Bernfeld after having "three to four alcoholic beverages" at the club.

Wow. it takes just three drinks to turn Emile Hirsch into a batterer? Child get help, get help now. Maybe he should get Shawn Holley; she has a way of getting people off these kinds of charges.

Reese Witherspoon would like people to think she's America’s Sweetheart, and she's really playing up that part in her hunt for an Oscar tomorrow night ... though Julianna Moore will win and send Reese to the nearest bar empty-handed ... but I digress ...

But, according to sources at CAA, where her husband Jim Toth is a high-powered agent, whenever Witherspoon comes to their offices, it's every man, or woman, for himself.

“Reese is anything but sweet,” says a CAA source — and it's not Lohan because CAA wouldn't touch her. The source goes on to say that staffers are terrified of rubbing her the wrong way, so they bend over backwards to please her.

They must always have her favorite brands of tea, bottled water and juice on hand, but they must never expect a Thank You from Witherspoon; she refuses to remove her sunglasses so no one can make eye contact with her.

Don't they know who she is?

So, a week ago we heard that Nicole Scherzinger and her boyfriend, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton, split up after seven years together. But Nicole isn’t one to sit home and nurse a broken heart, apparently, because she’s suddenly taken to “hanging out” with the also-newly-single, former Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon.

And this might be a plus for Team Nick because rumor has it that Mimi hates … hates … Nicole because the former Pussycat Dolls singer had a brief fling with Nick before he wed Mariah in 2008.

Nick and Nicole — their mash-up name is …. Nicole — have to be apart for now because she is currently in Cats — that show is still running? — in London and he’s here, though they have been Skype-flirting.

Next up: Mimi goes JLo and gets herself a twenty-something back-up dancer to toy with.

Justin Bieber has finally run into someone he can’t push around: a judge in Miami who is demanding the man-boy appear in person  to participate in a mediation hearing for a lawsuit filed by photographer Jeffrey Binion who says Bieber ordered his minions to assault Binion.

But The Biebs claims he is just too busy working on a new album to show up for the hearing and tossed in the argument that he would have to spend $64,000 to fly him and his entourage into town on his private jet and it just wasn’t worth it.

Binion’s lawyers aren’t playing, and have suggested to the judge to tell the diminutive “rapper” to take a commercial flight that would cost far less … or maybe, try traveling like an adult and leave your handlers at home; lotsa children fly solo these days.

The judge agreed with Binion’s team and is demanding that Bieber show his face in Miami before the March 20 hearing.

Kris Jenner wants to change her name now that she’s no longer Bruce’s wife, but, well, here it is:

She wants to go by Kris; just Kris. Like Cher … or Madonna … or Jesus.

I’m suggesting she legally change her name to That Woman — always italicized —because that sounds good: “Tonight on Kimmel! That Woman!

And add in the exclamation point since she made a name for herself as a pimping mother on E!

That Woman!

Lindsay Lohan — who said a few months ago that she would stay in London because LA is not her home any more — has moved home to LA and taken up residence, again, at the Chateau Marmont.

She’ll be in LA for awhile — because that’s where her court case are usually handled — to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. If you remember, the prosecutor Terry White has been going over the hours that Lohan ALLEGEDLY completed through the London-based group, Community Service Volunteers, and is curious as to how and why meet-and-greets with fans after her Speed-the-Plow shows counts as “community” service. He also wants to know how letting,. Ahem, “disadvantaged youth” follow Lohan around as assistants covers her ass in community service fulfillment, too. 

And then there’s this: Lohan has ALLEGEDLY gotten Esurance, the company she did a Super Bowl commercial for, to donate $10,000 to Community Service Volunteers by convincing the company heads by saying that she likes what the organization has done to help poor children.

The prosecutor is now wondering if the $10,000 donation to CSV is more of a bribe to keep the story going that Lohan actually did any community service at all while in London.

Well, that certainly sounds Lohan, eh?