It's Snarkurday!

Poor pitiful Billy Bush—who let a lunatic say vile things about women, including Bush’s own wife and daughters and all women everywhere—had hoped a recent Hollywood Reporter cover and interview, plus a GMA chat would jump-start his career ... it didn’t.

“He thought he was going to be welcomed back by the world ... and the only thing you learned ... is that Billy wants to be on TV. He felt that taking seven or eight months off, he’d slip his way back in, get some press and people would be beating down his door, and no one did.”

But those close to him—no doubt on his payroll—say Billy has already fielded a few offers, including one for a syndicated major show hitting this fall.

Um, yeah, I call bull shiz on that, because if any major show wanted Bush, he’d have jumped at the chance since, after eight months of being ‘away,’ most of the country, and the world, were like, ‘Billy who?’

Take a seat, Billy, we’ll call you when we need but don’t hold your breath.

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Gosh, when people who have a modicum of fame, but no real job, fight, it becomes news.

I’m looking at you, Brandi Glanville ... and your ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian and his current, though clearly not last, wife LeAnn Rimes.  These tools are still fighting and sniping, and now Brandi says that LeAnn has been stalking her and her boyfriend Donald Friese on social media because, that’s what all the kids ... and self-absorbed, unemployed grown-ups ... are doing, apparently.

And so Eddie released a statement saying LeAnn would never stalk someone on social media—though we all know she has—and then accused Brandi of being a drama-creating mess—and we all know that’s true:

“Brandi was very drunk and after already being at our table, started to come back again. Her boyfriend ‘ran interference’ and came to ask if she could take photos with the kids ... I was concerned about what pictures Brandi might post. We looked at their socials after we got home to make sure there was nothing of concern. That’s exactly how it all went down.”

Uh huh. Nice try, Eddie, but get a job, and a life, and a wife that has a job.

Then Brandi, whose ‘career’ was a short-lived stint on reality TV as a drunken mess, shot off her own statement, er, “proof” of the ALLEGED stalking ... a screen grab from Snapchat:

“[Eddie’s] statement does not explain why LeAnn and her assistant were both viewing my boyfriend’s Snapchats prior to our arrival at the restaurant. At the moment we saw them at Nobu we questioned the timing and saw they had viewed the Snapchats prior.”

Gosh, Brandi, set down the liquor and get a job. Be a parent to your children and not a child yourself.

Sheesh! All y’all grow the eff up.

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Last year, Reese Witherspoon was part of an Entertainment Weekly round-table for leading ladies and revealed that she started her own production company because she was sent an awful script for a romantic comedy and was offered the “girlfriend part”; she was told that several A-list women were chasing this terrible role and that’s when she knew she needed to start her own production company. She ended up by throwing shade at the actors in that film:

“And by the way, two Oscar winners did it.”

Rumor is that the film in question was A Million Ways to Die in the West and Charlize Theron was the Oscar winner who stooped to playing the “girlfriend.

Now, Reese has taken part in another roundtable—this time for The Hollywood Reporter—and dredged up that story again and then shaded someone else in a new blind item:

“I was talking to this very famous actor and I said, ‘How did you prepare for this role?’ He said, ‘Well, I went into the woods for three weeks and I didn’t talk to anybody.’ And this person has a lot of kids and is married. And he’s like, ‘You did the same thing for Wild, right?’ I was like, ‘Uh, no.’ If I went away for three weeks and no one could call me, everybody would’ve had a mental breakdown. I got on a plane and was shooting within 24 hours.”

People are saying this latest shade was at Leonardo DiCaprio, though Leo isn’t married or have kids. So ...maybe  Matthew McConaughey? He sounds like he’d play the method actor line as an excuse to get away from his wife and kids and play the Nude Bongos again.

But the big question is: who knew Reese could throw so much shade?

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So, to sell more music Katy Perry did what was billed as Katy Perry’s Witness Live Stream, where she live-streamed her life on YouTube for four solid days. One of the high points—low points—was when Katy rated three of her ex-lovers ... John Mayer—first place—Orlando Bloom—second place—and Diplo—dead last.

The Diplo Tryst was a one-off in between Mayer and Bloom and he had his own response to Katy via Twitter:

“I don't even remember having sex.”

Ow. So he’s her worst, and she’s the one he doesn’t remember.

Again ... ow.

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Poor Tom Cruise ... after the awful opening weekend of The Mummy many are saying he’s in a “slow motion career meltdown” and soon studios won’t even want to invest in trying to make another Cruise franchise happen because, for the first time, Tom Cruise is getting a big chunk of the blame for a film failure. 

Usually, everyone else involved with the film will fall on their swords to ‘save’ someone like Tommy, but not this time, and Variety has a deliciously dishy piece on how The Mummy’s failures are all on Tom ... like:

Cruise “had an excessive amount of control” over the reboot, set to be the start of a mega-franchise for Universal Pictures, but instead, it’s a textbook case of a spoiled movie star gone wild because Tommy exerted nearly complete creative oversight on the film ... down to the smallest details.

And Universal let it happen; they contractually guaranteed Cruise control of of the project, from script approval to post-production decisions, marketing and release strategy. And so, with terrible reviews, The Mummy, which cost as much as $190 million to make and a $100 million more to market, will struggle to make its money back.

And part of the problem is that Cruise selected Alex Kurtzman, a relatively untested director with no experience directing a big-budget action film, and then Cruise acted as though he was the director while Kurtzman “struggled to adjust to scope of the project.” Cruise also brought in two of his friends—Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman—to rewrite his part into that Standard Tom Cruise Hero Role; and people say this bulked up Tom’s part, and his ego, while diminishing the roles of others in the film. He also hired his favorite editor and then “spent time in the editing suite overseeing the cutting’ to make sure he looked good. People speculate that it was less about making a good film than it was about making Cruise look good.

And while there are some who say that Cruise was doing whatever he could to save a movie that was doomed from the start, most people on the film are saying the mess is all Tom Cruise’s fault ... because his ego is out oif control and he’s desperate to create another movie franchise so he can bank millions and still give millions to Scientology.

Poor Tom, if only he’d unwrapped L. Ron Hubbard and brought him to the premiere the film might have done better ... or, maybe he should have asked Brendan Fraser, star of the 1990s The Mummy to come along, because all of Fraser’s Mummy movies made more than this mess.

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If you ever thought that Poor Chris Brown gets a raw deal in the press for being an abusive, ego-maniacal man-boy with a bad temper, think on this:

Earlier this year, his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran got a temporary restraining order after Chris ALLEGEDLY threatened to kill her.

And now, Karrueche was back in court telling the judge that things got bad after she and Chris broke up. He wanted her to return several rings he gave her and when she refused, he  threatened her in a text messages, ALLEGEDLY beat her and then wrote “Imma kill blood” under a photo of her and Michael B. Jordan.

Chris didn’t show up in court, but tried to phone in until the judge denied him. Then the judge sided with Karrueche and gave her a permanent restraining order valid for the next five years.

Five.Years. No judge does that just because of a bad breakup. Chris Brown is a menace.

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I remember when Halle Berry won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball and then followed that up with Gothika. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

And I remember when Charlize Theron won the Oscar for Monster and then followed that up with Aeon Flux. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

But that’s not all Charlize and Halle have in common anymore ... at least not now that Charlize is dating Halle’s ex, and one of her Baby Daddy’s, Gabriel Aubry.

A source says Nahla, Gabriel’s daughter with Halle, and Charlize’s son Jackson go to the same private school and so they see each other in the pick-up lane after school.

And now, rather than wave hello in the carpool line, they wave goodbye after breakfast.

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Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to surrender an Oscar originally won by Marlon Brando to the U.S. government because it was given to him by an ALLEGEDLY dirty movie production company now in the feds’ crosshairs. The Department of Justice is also looking to seize the rights Dumb and Dumber Too and Daddy’s Home, as well as a trove of valuable art and movie memorabilia belonging to Red Granite Pictures.

The feds say money that was ALLEGEDLY stolen by corrupt Malaysian officials was funneled through Red Granite and used to finance films.The department filed a civil suit last year demanding all profits from DiCaprio’s 2013 film The Wolf of Wall Street claiming it was financed with laundered loot.

Red Granite gave Leo the Oscar Brando won as a thank-you for his work on the film and he has now passed it along to the government.

I wonder what will happen when the National park Service comes for his The Revenant Oscar?

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So, Scott Disick used to be married to a Kardastrophe ... I don’t know which one and, well, I don’t care ... and that. marriage ended because he was ALLEGEDLY a drunken adulterous mess. Now that he’s single, he’s given up the adultery but stayed with the drunkenness.

At some point Scott Disick and some actress called Bella Thorne hooked up and then went to the Cannes Film Festival to pose in front of photographers. And then ... as soon as it started it was over because Bella couldn’t stand Drunk Disick and said as much in an interview:

“Scott is really nice, sweet, charming. I don’t drink, and he really drinks a lot. And it just ended up … I just wasn’t down ... I love to go out and have fun, I love to fucking dance, but I just don’t party hardcore like that and it was way too much for me. I was like, ‘Woah, this is not the way I live my life, bruh.’”

I’m’a let the ‘bruh’ lie there—although it’s another on my Do Not Say List—and simply end with this:

Bella? Had you watched just one episode of that Kraptastic Kardastrophe show you’d have known what a drunk Disick could be and you never would have gotten on a plane, or, ew, in a bed with him.

Just sayin’.

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Finally, some sweet news ...

The Bat-Signal shone over Los Angeles City Hall this past Thursday night in tribute to the late Adam West—the campy TV Batman from the 60s—who passed away last week at the age of 88.

In Batman comics, movies and TV shows, the Bat-Signal was shown on the night sky as a call for Batman’s help.

Batman is often referred to as the Dark Knight, but West’s children said in a statement that Adam West aspired to positivity and always saw himself as “The Bright Knight.”

RIP Adam "Batman" West.

Bam! Pow!

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It's Snarkurday!

Oh it looks like Rob Kardastrophe and his baby Mama, Blac Chyna, have broken up ... again.

Well, they at least TV broke up.

Rob says Blac Chyna left him … and took Baby Kream, er, Dream, too. Rob, naturally because he’s from Family Famewhore, showed videos of empty rooms in his house that once held all the furniture for Kream, er, Dream and for Chyna’s son, King, whose Baby Daddy is Rob’s half-sister’s piece Tyga ... ick.

The odd thing though is that, in the videos, where all the rooms are empty—even Rob’s cookies were taken—there is not one shred of evidence that there had ever been furniture in the rooms; no carpet dents; no drag marks. Just perfectly vacuumed rooms, which means that both Rob and Chyna are liars like the rest of that Klan, or Rob decided to tidy up the entire house before posting the videos online.

I’m going with liars.

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Also on the Kardastrophe front, it smells a lot like d-i-v-o-r-c-e in the Kardastrophe-West household lately.

And it isn’t just because Kanye went nuts and had to be hospitalized or just because Kim’s a famewhore who saw that her brother’s drama was overshadowing hers and so she opted for TV drama too.

A source—That Woman, AKA The CryptKeeper—says there was divorce talk before Kanye’s epic meltdown due to the stress Kim felt after the Paris robbery which has, mercifully, kept her off the internet and away from cameras for a few months now. But, the source also says Kim would never divorce Kaye in the middle of his madness so maybe, just maybe, they’ll wait for a Sweeps month when the news will garner bigger ratings.

That makes sense, but ... and ain’t there always a but?

Rumors are swirling, as rumors do, that Kim insisted that Kanye stay away from That Woman’s Christmas party. In fact, Kim showed up alone wearing all her basic accessories except for her wedding ring! Egads! And then, later that night, Kanye showed up to the party despite Kim’s ALLEGED demands that he stay away.

Yikes! The couple is ALLEGEDLY seeking the help of counselors for their own individual issues—Kim’s fear of robbers and Kanye’s lunacy—but aren’t going to therapy together.

Again ... sweeps month and a very special episode of KUWTK.

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There’s a story of Rihanna’s “discovery” in Barbados years back; some say Jay-Z “discovered” her and others say producer and songwriter Evan Rogers “discovered” her a year later and she then sent her “Pon de Replay” demo to various labels and once Jay-Z heard it, he signed her to Def Jam.

But is there another story and do you care? I don’t but I’m’a tell you anyway.

Some say that before Rogers saw Rihanna, British composer Andrew Lloyd Webber took a vacation in Barbados, and he heard her sing and thought about “bringing her back” to the UK to make her a star but he and his creative partner, Nigel Wright, decided not to follow their impulses:

“I said to Nigel, ‘If we bring her back, you know it’s like when you see a picture when you’re away and you take it home and you think, why did I buy that?’ I thought: we’ll get her back, it’ll be fine, but then what do we do with her?”

Wow. Isn’t he just the creepiest thing, acting like Rihanna is a picture that looked good on the cabana wall but really shouldn’t be in the castle.

ALW is just such a pig. Oh, and possibly a lying pig since he’s only began telling this story now and not when Rihanna first hit it big.

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian! Those two wacky adulterers!

Eddie finally got an acting job—on TVs Rosewood—co-starring with Morris Chestnut ... yum ... and Jaina Lee Ortiz, a hot Latina with a husband. And since LeAnn knows all about stealing husbands and Eddie’s a serial adulterer, she’s not too happy about Jaina ...

Sources claim Rimes is on a tear because she’s worried Eddie might find Jaina just too much; and it isn’t helping that Jaina gushes about Eddie:

“He’s amazing! He’s Cuban and adds so much of that spice and flavor… he’s so damn fine! Don’t tell my husband I said that, but he knows anyway.”

Now, Jaina may be having fun, but, you know, LeAnn, who wouldn’t be married to Eddie if she hadn’t cheated on her husband with him, and he cheated on his wife with her, years back while they worked together, isn’t happy. And Jaina does seem to fuel the fire, like posting a picture to Instagram of her and her castmates—and Eddie—partying at her 30th birthday in LA, while LeAnn was away in Alabama.

So, it seems LeAnn has gone even crazier ... like telling an interviewer that she loves “skipping” and carries a jump rope with her everywhere. Crazy, I know, but it came just two days after Jaina had posted a photo of herself working out with a jump rope.

And, when Eddie began working with Jaina, LeAnn posted a shot of herself with Max, the dog on Rosewood, just hours after Jaina had done the same thing.

Then in December, when Jaina and Eddie posted a cat-faced Snapchat picture of themselves, LeAnn did the same thing again.

Karma.Krazy.LeAnn.

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So ... Mariah Carey. One of her greatest achievements was when she was asked a question about JLo and uttered the classic line:

“I don’t know her.”

It’s the perfect diss. Try it; when someone asks you about someone you may not particularly care for, say, “I don’t know her/him.” It’s delicious and simply evil. And Mariah knows this because she continues to use it.

While appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, he made her play a game called Does She Know Her. Mariah was asked if she “knows” various pop princesses and she gave some funny answers ... well, funny for Mariah:

On Lady Gaga: “She came to my show, she was very sweet…and we had a nice conversation. We’ve met, we’ve had a conversation in my dressing room, it was very sweet.”

On Ariana Grande: Mariah says she doesn’t know her, but when it was pointed out that Ariana is a pint-sized Mariah, she said:

“I don’t know when early in the career was…I don’t know…honestly I’m really not familiar, I listen to hip-hop more than I listen to pop music.”

Word salad tossed.

On Taylor Swift: “Very nice girl. Met her once, she was really sweet. She came up to me…yeah.”

Madonna: “Uh, never had a conversation with her.”

Katy Perry: “Nice girl, she came to my show as well.”

Miley Cyrus: “I think we met in a bathroom…I don’t know.”

When Andy Cohen pointed out that they performed at a Divas concert once, Mariah responded, “I performed on that show a lot of times, with Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross. How am I supposed to remember everybody else?”

Ouch.

On Demi Lovato, who called Mariah a Mean Girl: “I don’t know her either, and so I wouldn’t say anything to her. She should come up, introduce herself to me, say here’s my opinion, ‘What do you think about it?’ That’s how you handle sh-t, OK?”

So, this is Mariah: if you come to her show she knows you and she loves you and you’re sweet.

If you don’t she doesn’t know you.

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It looks like The Biebs is in trouble with the law again.

Back in 2013, Justin Bieber was performing in Argentina and ALLEGEDLY ordered one of bodyguards) to beat up a paparazzo outside a club.  The police wanted to question him, but Bieber and his bodyguard fled the country. In November 2014, a judge ordered Bieber back to Buenos Aires for questioning, but he never showed because ... well ... spoiled toddler.

In April 2015, the judge issued a warrant  forced Bieber to cancel the Argentina leg of his Purpose tour because ... well, spoiled toddler. The warrant was later canceled but Argentina isn’t done with Justin; they have charged him with a crime of ordering the beating of a photographer and stealing the man’s money and camera.

His lawyers are planning to appeal the indictment, because they think that an appeals judge court with some sense will throw it out because ... wait for it ... Justin Bieber can save Argentina’s economy:

“The judge is screwing his own country because Justin could infuse a huge amount of money into the economy.”

Still, Justin won’t dip a toe in Argentina because if he does ... chain gang.

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We all thought that after dumping Casper Smart and then kissing ex-husband Marc Anthony onstage—after which Marc announced he was divorcing wife #3—that JLo and Marc would be back together, but Marc is too old for JLo and not as hip and hot and able to help her career and image. So she’s hooked her ass to Drake—like Casper, young enough to be her son—and Rihanna’s ALLEGED piece.

RiRi and Drake just ended their long, drawn-out-we-aren’t- talking-so-maybe-it’s-real-maybe-it’s-not love affair and he is already banging Casper’s ex-mommy.

To be fair, Drake and Rihanna broke off their “whatever” last fall and he appeared to move on to perpetual dater Taylor Swift, but then he got wind that JLo was looking for a bump to her career and he went sniffing after her.

The spin is that Drake and JLo are said to be collaborating on a song right now, but collaboration, in JLo’s world, is not the same as what it means in the real world.

I mean, she collaborated Casper for a long time before she decided to collaborate Drake.

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It's Snarkurday!

I don’t know if Katy Perry is still banging John Mayer or not, though I do know she should be wrapped in a FullBodyCondom™ for life for ever having banged him at all.

But … ALLEGEDLY … the two were together on New Year’s Eve and all sorts of cozy, but then cut to a couple of weeks later and Katy showed up solo … and old looking … at the Golden Globes and immediately starting flirting with that other walking STD, Orlando Bloom.

Yup, ALLEGEDLY the two hit it off, and then maybe hit it, during and after a Globes after party thrown by Harvey Weinstein. The duo was photographed all chatty and snuggly and whispery with one another. Orlando even took Katy’s phone at one point, possibly to enter his booty call phone number. And then Katy and her handlers decided to leave the party … with Orlando in tow.

But I guess it wasn’t all that, or else Katy decided John Mayer should be her only true booty call, because later that same week, at a Stella McCartney fashion show, Katy arrived first, and when Orlando showed up, she moved away from him and avoided him all night.

Katy could do better … not that she has. I mean, Russell Brand, John Mayer and Orlando Bloom? Sounds like a Triple Shot Trip to the Free Clinic.

Back in the fall of 2014, adulterers LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian were sued by their former maid, Gloria Cevallos, who claimed that she was being bullied and insulted by two other women on LeAnn and Eddie’s staff — she says the Cibrian's other help called her fat and ugly — and that Eddie’s mother wanted LeAnn and Eddie to fire Gloria.

Was Mama Cibrian worried that serial cheater Eddie would go Schwarzenegger on the maid?

Anyway, Gloria was fired, and then she sued for back pay and “front pay” — yup, she wanted Eddie and LeAnn to pay her salary in full until she found another job. Seriously? Who does she think she is? Marco Rubio?

Anyway, LeAnn got on her high horse and sang yodeled to every media outlet about the lawsuit, and claimed that Gloria was all about the “shameless money grab,” something LeAnn knows all too well … but, instead of taking Gloria to court, Eddie and LeAnn settled their suit, meaning they paid some cash to Gloria to stop saying they’re horrible people.

And I guess there was a Non-Disclosure Clause, because if there wasn’t, LeAnn would’a been all over Twitter with that hashtag.

Sherri Shepherd will not give up.

You know she married Lamar Sally, because she bragged about it on The View before they canned her; and she also bragged about using a surrogate to have a baby.

She did not, however, brag anywhere when the marriage fell apart and she tried to distance herself from the unborn child, saying she never wanted ‘it’ and certainly wasn’t going to pay for ‘it.’

But a judge disagreed and told Sherri, who gave up her parental rights, meaning Lamar has the child, that ‘it’ is her child and she will be paying child support until her son turns eighteen.

Sherri stomped and cried and begged and pleaded, and now she’s going back to court, appealing that Pennsylvania Superior Court decision all the way to the state supreme court. She doesn’t want to pay the $4,100 in monthly child support for the boy, and also doesn’t really want anyone to know that it was she who paid the more than $100,000 in fees to a New Jersey agency and supported the Pennsylvania surrogate’s pregnancy until her marriage faltered.

And only then did she say she didn’t want the child. Oh, and before I forget, Sherri wants y’all to know she’s a good Christian woman who is turning her back on her baby.

Just sayin’.

I need a Silkwood Scrubdown after this, but, according to sources, Josh Duggar and his wife Anna are expecting yet another child, their fifth, conceived while Josh was away at Sex Addict Rehab, or Sister Diddler Therapy, or Porn Star Screwing Camp or something.

It begs the question, though, that exactly what kind of sex addiction rehab clinic allows their patients to bone anyone while undergoing sex addiction therapy?

Anyway, Anna announced that she thinks she is pregnant again and believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins.

God, for her part, issued this statement:

Oh hell no. Keep me outta this mess.

Meanwhile, back at media whore cheaters, LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian.

LeAnn took to Instagram around Christmas to proudly shoe off the diamond ring Eddie “gave” her as a gift. She even used the Ricky Martin Method of hashtagging the picture to death: #cushioncut #rosegold #happy #blessed #loved. And then she hashtagged it with the name of the jeweler and jewelry store that designed the ring: #Mantis7Jewels.

I could just #puke. But then I wondered, how many people receive “gifts” and then give a public — possibly paid — endorsement of the store that provided the “gift”? Unless, the gift wasn’t a gift at all, but a little something the jeweler and Eddie created to “give” LeAnn as long as she paid proper notice to the store.

Or, and this seems to be the case, given that the jeweler has said so: LeAnn designed the ring herself, and paid for it herself, and then Instagramed that it was a gift from Eddie.

Lotta thought went into that “gift,” eh, Eddie?

When Boy Bands fall, some members go on to do fairly well, and others, well, they seem to Nick Carter their way down.

Nick, a former member of The Backdoor Backstreet Boys, who has proudly proclaimed in recent years his successful stint in rehab and his sobriety, was arrested this week after ALLEGEDLY busting a drunken move at Hog’s Breath Saloon in Key West.

Carter and another dude — Michael Rae Papayans — showed up at the Hog’s Breath and were all kinds of wasted, so the bartender refused to get them any more drunk and told them to leave.

That set Michael off and he ALLEGEDLY head-butted the bar manager while Nick, not to be outdone by the crazy, choked the bouncer. The bar staff jumped in and pinned Nick and Michael to the ground until the police arrived at which point Michael Rae Papayans name-dropped, wait for it, Nick Carter … as in …

“That other bar brawler is the Nick Carter!”

Naturally, that didn’t help because, obviously, the Key West police are NSYNC fans.

Over there to The Voice, the judges chairs are rotating again, with Gwen Stefani taking this round off and former judge Christina Aguilera coming back.

And that did not sit well with Gwen’s media-boyfriend, and fellow guest judge, Blake Shelton, who apparently stomped his boots at the idea of not being able to ride this Gwake Sheltani business until it dies a much needed death.

And so the producers, fearing a Blake Exit, had no other choice but to bring Gwen back, but then, what about the Wrath of Aguilera?

Problem solved … Stefani will be back, as a mentor on “boyfriend’ Blake Shelton’s team.

I guess cowboy boots really do throw as mighty a hissy fit as diva stilettos.