I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Word out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston has hired an Oscar strategist named Lisa Taback, who previously worked on the Oscar campaigns for The King’s Speech and The Artist.

Seriously, Aniston wants an Oscar so badly, that she’s hired someone to help her win it? And what exactly does an Oscar strategist do? Here’s how I’d do it: Hey Jen? Get yourself a part in a film of substance for a change and try to act for a change. No need to go sans makeup or have a scar put on your face. Just be good at your job … for a change.

M’kay, I wouldn’t last long in the Oscar Strategist job.

Here’s how I see an Oscar in Jennifer Aniston’s future … cut to 2034, a retired former comic actress Jennifer Aniston appears on a TV screen eating a sandwich, and then begins to sing …

♫♪ My bologna has a first name … it’s O-S-C-A-R …♪♫

Aniston.Oscar. My work here is done.

Oh Gwynnie, now it’s not just Martha throwing shade at you, it‘s Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer.

And she out-elitists Paltrow at every turn! It seems Paltrow — Oscar winner … sorry Jen … best-selling cookbook author, lifestyle “expert” — wanted to work with Yahoo as an editor for the website’s food division but Mayer put the kibosh on that because … wait for it … I’m loving it … Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have a college degree.

According to a new book, Mayer and the Fight to Save Yahoo! By Nicholas Carson, Mayer — a 39-year-old Stanford grad who’s a stickler for degrees — “balked” at obtaining Paltrow’s services, despite Paltrow’s ego and fame and website and ego and star power and ego, because she “disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.”

To be fair, Paltrow did attend the University of California, Santa Barbara — a feat that at least two biographies of Goop attributed to her family’s long relationship with UCSB alum Michael Douglas — but left after one year to become an actress.

And so, twenty years later, hoping to be a contributor to Yahoo, Goop gets the news that college dropouts, no matter large their egos, needn’t apply.

My.Heart.Weeps.

Are Kim Kardastrophe and KrayKray West headed for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. I say no because their marriage seems to be one based on media attention, not actual love for one another because the pair rarely spend any time together at all. I mean, Kanye spent Thanksgiving eating dinner in Paris with male friends, while Kimmy was at home basting the turkey all by her lonesome.

And now, because he’s ALLEGEDLY working on new music, he may spend Christmas away from his shrew wife and Kimmy is livid … well, she’s mad because for her to be livid you’d have to first explain what livid means.

Still, a couple of weeks back,  the couple did get to spend some quality time together during a family outing to Disney On Ice at Staples Center … until the middle of the show when Kanye up and left and never returned.

Perhaps one of his male friends was hungry?

Still, I’m guessing this mess of a marriage works because they rarely see one another, I mean, with one having an ego the size of his wife’s ass and the other having an ass the size of her husband’s ego.

Selena Gomez used to be BFFs with Taylor Swift; and they’re still friendly every now and again, when Selena breaks up with Justin Bieber for a hot minute to sing a song about how much she loves him and then go back to him so she can break up with him again.

But, apparently she now misses Little Biebs so much that she spent most of Swifty’s birthday party sobbing on the terrace over her broken relationship with that egg-tossing-drag-racing-Sizzurp-slurping too.

According to witnesses at TayTay’s 25th birthday party — attended by fellow media whores Jay Z and Beyoncé — at Swifty’s NYC penthouse, Selena was reportedly crying out on the terrace because she misses her Little Man and shouting, at anyone who would listen:

“No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me.”

Oh honey, we understand you. You’re a delusional young girl who thinks your life is wrapped up with a Twit.

Problem is, you don’t understand that.

Gosh, the folks at NBC”s Today Show are really desperate to grab some ratings away from Good Morning America, even going so far as to cancel an interview with Amy Adams because she wouldn’t talk about The Sony Hack.

Really.  Adams was in NYC to promote Big Eyes, which comes out on Christmas Eve and was directed by Tim Burton and distributed by The Weinstein Company. No connection to Sony whatsoever.

And yet, when Amy Adams went on Today all they wanted to talk about was the Sony Hack. Adams came to the set, and although she’d already told producers she did not, and would not, discuss The Hack, she once again had to tell the bigwigs that she would prefer to avoid the subject, given this was a four-minute interview and she was there to talk about her movie which, again, has nothing to do with Sony.

Adams says she was told that Today is a news organization — how’s that for high-larity? — and she was told no one dictates their interviews. Adams didn’t balk, and was, in fact, shown on TV screens as an upcoming segment and then … nothing.

The show bounced her, pulled her segment and completely wasted her time, though Today execs are spinning it that Adams was at fault and behaved like some kind of hellcat.

Who says hellcat anymore?

Here’s the deal: she was there to talk Big Eyes and had just four minutes to do it, but they wanted to talk The Hack because they’re desperate to appear relevant. Now they’ll be hard-pressed to ever get Adams back or any other actor who wants to promote a film and not Sony.

Stupid move, NBC ... NBC ... No.Body.Cares.

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or a few someone’s who just couldn’t wait to hear some auto-tuned dance tunes from an aging, surgically enhanced diva.

But the best part of this is how Madge, speaking in that clipped British accent she’s not-yet-quite-perfected, tells the tale of living in a “state of terror” since the leak:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorizing me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating. I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Oh, it’s theft all right, but, Madge, seriously, calm yourself down … settle ... settle … sip some tea … because leaking your music, or what passes for music these days, is not terrorism.

Nobody died, dear, though I’m sure ear drums will be bleeding.

So after The Interview was made — detailing in all its high comedy the assassination of a country’s leader because that’s funny stuff — Sony found its emails hacked and all kinds of bad stuff happened.

So, Sony pulled the move after what Homeland Security called "not credible threats" of something happening should the film open on Christmas as planned and then ... cue publicity ... and now cue Sony saying they will release The Interview on Christmas after all.

Now, I know they were hacked and all kinds of private info and emails were released, but, show of hands, who feels like Sony just played The Hack for more publicity for what was bound to be another Franco bomb?

And seriously, now they’re playing it like it would be unpatriotic if you don’t go see this piece of crap.

F**k you Sony. This was just a stunt and I ain’t buying that … or a ticket to this piece of schlock.

The Funny Papers

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so you’ve all heard about the Sony Email Hack? If not, here’s the tale:

Sony Pictures made a movie called The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogan as a couple of moronic — typecasting much? — reporters who are co-opted by the US government into traveling to North Korea and killing Kim Jong Un.

Assassination as comedy! Funny stuff. Well, North Korea didn’t think so — imagine how we’d feel if North Korea made a movie about assassinating our President … yeah — and called it an act of war, and then suddenly, Sony Picture’s emails were hacked and shown to the world; side note: North Korea denies any involvement in the hack.

Some of the emails bash Angelina; Leo, too. Channing Tatum comes off as kind of a dim-bulb. Scott Rudin is a jerk. That’s about it … or so we thought. The hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, released a statement saying they’re responsible for the hack and that there might be some kind of terroristic attack if The Interview opens as scheduled on Christmas Day; Homeland Security says the threat isn’t credible, and neither is The Interview.

So, did the hackers threaten us with an act of terrorism, or is the real act of terrorism another James Franco and Seth Rogan hot mess? You know where I stand …

Jon Hamm recently confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Batman or Birdman is because at 43-years-old he’s too old for that mess, He admits to being offered some superhero roles, but didn’t take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s weakness will be Erectile Dysfunction and Clogged Arteries:

“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”

But, BUT, if he took on a superhero role, might he play the Hammaconda? I’d wait in line to see that superpower!

Back to The Sony Hack, and more Diva behavior exposed. Oh, no, not from Mariah or Ariana or Nicki or Beyoncé, but from that other diva, Alex Trebek.

A recently released email shows that Trebek refused to give in to the demands of a stage mom, and told Sony he would end his 30-year run as “Jeopardy” host if they had a problem with it and it went down like this: 

During a taping of “Jeopardy! Kids” one contestant ran offstage in tears when she was eliminated. Well, her mother — and no, even though it sounds like her, it wasn’t Dina Lohan — was furious that La Trebek didn’t bother to help the girl, talk to the girl, try to calm her down, even though she eventually stopped sobbing and returned to the set to watch another episode as an audience member. But Dina, er, her mother wasn’t going to let Trebek off the hook, and complained about him in a letter to producers:

“If he had taken the time, he would have known, like you do, that my daughter is not a sore loser, and does not become emotional solely over losing a game. … She was upset about not being able to completely play the game to the end [and] I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for that.”

Producers responded by saying “Alex’s intentions were good” and that they would ask him to re-tape the segment to appease the spoiled brat of a mother, but … Trebek wasn’t having it and sent his own email to Sony:

“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will, but I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the s—t out of me.  If I’m making mistakes and saying things you don’t like, maybe it’s time for me to move on. It’s not a threat, but I want to let you know how I’m feeling.”

The show was not retaped. Alex is still a diva, the child is fine, her mother, however, is seeing a shrink three times a week. I’m guessing.

I know Kim Kardastrophe is the most vain human being on the planet. I mean, who is thrilled beyond belief to have their ass on the front cover of a magazine? Kim Kardastrophe. So, it’s no surprise that she posted a photo on Instagram where you can clearly see a little sliver of NorthSouthEastWest.

That’s right! The Kash Kow cropped her own child out of a photo. But her explanation for doing so is the best part, as she Tweeted her explanation:

"Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!"

So, the baby was too tired to stay awake, but Mama was too involved in her own ‘look’ to put her down for a nap before snapping a selfie? 

That’s our Kardastrophe. Mother of the Year! Joan Crawford Edition.

Onto another Diva, Beyoncé. She recently released a retrospective video for the new re-release of her self-titled album and in it she talks about the woes of being famous and how as a celebrity no one views you as a human.

Hold up while I get a tissue. How hard it must be for her to be a multi-millionaire and a media whore — seriously, she uses the media like most folks use toilet paper — and how no one sees her as human because most humans don’t release videos of themselves whining about the hardships of their pampered life.

She also claims that no one knows who she is, not even herself, and talks about her mom, her craft, her weave, her clothes her jewels … My.Heart.Bleeds.

Someone needs to step off the pedestal.

Meanwhile back at Kim Kardastrophe and her recent revelations on what it was like to date Kanye West … before they married and began spending all their time apart. Kim shared their secrets to a healthy and happy relationship, saying it all started when they were dating:

“When we first started dating it was rude if we brought our phones with us out, so I learned from him not to bring my phone.”

But, Kim, gasp, how will you know if you’re trending if you don’t have your phone? How will you be able to chronicle the minutiae that is your life if you can InstaTweetBook?

“We have rules at the table. If we are eating at a restaurant, we’ll wait to do it (take pictures) when we are done eating.”

Wait. So, you’re having dinner with your boyfriend, turned husband, turned disappearing father, turned soon-to-be-ex and you can’t take pictures? Her head really is as big as her ass.

So, Lindsay Lohan is done with Speed-the-Plow but has decided to stay in London permanently, and that sound you hear is America breathing a sigh of relief.

In an interview with The Guardian Lohan talks about how she desperately wants to do another play and how she’s never, ever moving back to LA — and that sound you hera is LA breathing a sigh of relief:

 “In LA I didn’t know what to do apart from go out every night. That’s when my friends were free. And I would go out and there would be all these cameras there and that’s when it became difficult.”

It’s always the cameras fault that she got high and drove drunk and kidnapped people and stole jewelry, right? But, as I said, the good news is that she’s planning to make London her permanent home and do more plays because she’s an “actor” y’all, who spoke of the kind of work she wants to do over there:

“I would like to do a period piece at least. I enjoyed having a British accent when I did Parent Trap so I guess I am halfway there.”

Wait, am I the only who thinks when Lindsay says period piece she’s thinking menstruation in a corset? And, wait for it, she thinks that because at age nine she did a British accent so she’s halfway to being British.

I see Lohan stuffed inside a FedEx box being returned to America any day now because England didn’t order her and she doesn’t fit. But, I’m sorry, London, she’s yours now, and there is an upside: Lindsay doesn’t drive in London so the streets are that much safer.

More Sony fall-out? Okay … well, Aaron Sorkin has been all over the Sony Hack stories. There are lots of emails about Sorkin, like one from Amy Pascal telling people that he’s broke and dating some coworker, so he decided to write an NYT op-ed piece called “The Sony Hack and the Yellow Press” where he blames anyone and everyone for releasing and reading and talking about those private emails.

Well, he only feels that way because of what he says in his leaked emails, like the ones to Maureen Dowd — the NYT columnist and his ex-girlfriend — about the state of sexism in Hollywood and the lack of good roles for women.

Interesting topic, but what is most interesting are his own views on the subject. In an email that Sorkin sent to Dowd, he talks of Hollywood’s women problem, and of a Dowd NYT about Cate Blanchett’s Oscar speech where she took Hollywood to task for its treatment of women. In her column, Dowd quotes Sony bigwig Amy Pascal, who discusses the “paltry” amount women in Hollywood make versus men, and how female directors face a “mountain of rejection” and “the whole system is geared for them to fail.”

Sorkin liked the column, but said that he believed that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchet’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

Yes, men work harder than women. But he goes on:

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress. Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. … Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich.”

I am imagining that Sorkin might have trouble lining up any actresses for his next project since they don’t work as hard, aren’t as talented, and should never make the same money as men.

The Sony Hack … it keeps on giving.

Random Musings

Up in Vermont, Bo Muller-Moore picked a fight with anti-gay fast-food chain Chick-fil-A over the use of the phrase "eat more kale" … similar to their trademarked "eat mor chikin" … and this week he won his legal battle after the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office granted his application to trademark his phrase.

"I've called Chick-fil-A's bluff on their cease-and-desist demands. I am not ceasing and desisting. I am thriving, thanks to people like you and thanks to Vermont and people from beyond." — Bo Muller-Moore

Muller-Moore started using the phrase in 2001 after a farmer who grows kale — known for its nutritional value — asked him to make three T-shirts for his family; the phrase caught on and, with the approval of the farmer, Muller-Moore began marketing it.

In 2011, Muller-Moore sought to trademark the phrase and shortly thereafter Chick-fil-A sent him a cease-and-desist letter telling him to stop using the phrase because the company felt it could be confused with "eat mor chikin."

But Muller-Moore refused, and used social media — and even this blog HERE — to win the support of state officials, including the Governor and pro-bono lawyers who handled his case. Governor Shumlin called Muller-Moore a shining example of Vermont's independence and entrepreneurial spirit.

Now, Chick-fil-A is kinda eating Crow, while Muller-Moore is having a special drink …

"Chick-fil-A did me a bit of a favor: They handed me lemons, and I made lemonade.” — Bo Muller-Moore

Snap.

When Carlos comes home from work, he often stirs our little Pocket Dog, Ozzo, into a frenzy, with the dog tearing through the house like Lindsay Lohan looking to score.

But the other day, as Carlos was revving him up and up and up, I suddenly heard a thump and Carlos say, “Ozzo! Are you okay? Ozzo?”

The.Dog.Had.Run.Into.The.Wall.

Proud Papa I am.

I know there’s an ALLEGED threat of terrorism, but, well, this still makes me smile.

In light of the decision by the majority of movie houses to pull the new James Franco/Seth Rogan film, The Interview, from their theaters before it even opened, Sony Pictures have scrapped the release of the film … for now, and released a statement which says, in part:

“Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale – all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like.”

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but let me pose this question: how would we feel if some film company in North Korea — or anywhere for that matter — released a film about two North Koreans coming to the US to assassinate our president? Sure, maybe we wouldn’t hack anyone’s emails, but the movie is offensive and ridiculous and stupid.

Plus, Franco’s in it and the less I see or hear of him, the better.

Other things making me smile this week?

Glad you asked. Out there to Alexandria, Indiana, the First United Methodist Church will close its doors at the end of this year. So, why am I smiling?

Glad you asked. This is the same church that earlier this year fired their musical director, Adam Fray, because he’s a homosexual. Then Dr. David Steele was fired from his leadership position in the church for asking that Fray be rehired. Those two things caused a mass walkout by many in the congregation, which caused the church to lose members and money and have to shut it down.

That’s why I’m smiling. Another example of the so-called Good Christians lashing out against someone for being gay and The Gays get the last laugh.

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, Two Hounds of Hell from the W Regime, have come out and said that, even in light of the recent CIA torture report, they still support the use of, ahem, “enhanced interrogation methods.”

Good, let’s arrest them both for War crimes and use those same methods on them.

I’ve still been perusing Bravo’s new “scripted” show, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce, though it isn’t for the girlfriend’s or the divorce. I do like Janeane Garofalo as a bitter divorcee, but it’s the man candy that peaks my, er, interest.

Like Charles Mesure, who plays on of the ex-husbands and has a body and Australian accent to die for.

Then there’ Paul Adelstein, not classically handsome but there’s something about him that also, well, you know.

Just sayin’.

Barbara Walters aired her "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014” last week and the most fascinating person of the year? Amal Alamuddin Clooney. Oh, she isn’t fascinating because she’s a high-powered attorney, not at all. Babs — who apparently thinks this was the Most Fascinating List for 1944, said it like this:

"This is Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney's beautiful bride. You could say hers was the wedding of the year. It was really one of the greatest achievements in human history."

The.Greatest.Achievement.In.Human.History? Way to set back the women’s movement a hundred years or more Babs, because no one but you thinks marrying a confirmed bachelor actor is the greatest human achievement in history.

Shouldn’t you be relaxing in a  crypt somewhere?

Camille Cosby has finally broken her silence over the twenty or so — of which we know — women who allege that they were sexually abused and drugged by her husband Bill Cosby, and she went all Tammy “Stand By Your Man” Wynette on the media. She says that the situation is similar to the Rolling Stone report of rapes at UVA that has since been called into question because the woman, the lone woman, at the center of that story may have lied.

Um, Camille, because one woman in Virginia may have lied to Rolling Stone about being raped, that doesn’t compare at all to the dozens and dozens of women who’ve come forward telling the same story about your husband.

You need to sit down and have a good think, and then … stay seated.

When Carlos cooks I inevitably walk into the kitchen and will say, “What stinks?”

And he’ll say,. “The crap I’m serving for dinner.”

Well, being the Christmas season, and being that Carlos loves cranberries and marmalade, he was in the kitchen the other day making some, you guessed it, Cranberry Marmalade. Only, we didn’t have any oranges to give it that citrus boost so he was going to add apples.

“Cranberries and Apples,” I said.”Sounds like Crapple.”

See what I did there? Cranberries? Apples? He cooks crap?

Yeah, he already made me stop.

Jeb Bush has kina come out to say he’s going to run for president so he can also ruin, and that isn’t a typo like I meant to say run, I meant, ruin this country like his dim-bulb, lying war criminal brother, and his one-term, read my lips  no new taxes daddy.

He said, on Facebook, because he’s a teenage girl:

"I am excited to announce I will actively explore the possibility of running for President of the United States."

He’s announcing that he’s really really really gonna think about it.

Siddown Jeb. Just Siddown.

More Carlos?

Okay … earlier this week my father sent us a little gift from a garden center: Bird Seed Pears. They looks like pears, but are made of birdseed and you hang them about your yard to feed your visiting feathered friends.

Well, Carlos was leaving for work one day and he asked if I minded if he gave one to Nina, the receptionist at work. I didn’t, but then I wondered something … Carlos and Nina chat all the time; they take lunches together; they share recipes and give one another gifts — she recently gave him us a bird feeder.

Now I realize what’s happening ... Nina is Carlos “Work Wife.”

And as soon as I told him that I knew, well let’s just say he looked like he wanted to run into a wall like Ozzo.

The Song-In-My-Head this week is, at last, a long time favorite: Shawn Colvin, "Killing The Blues."