The Funny Papers

Daniel Boris, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Christopher Shields, Clay Bennett, Frank Mariani, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Pedro X Molina, Nick Anderson, Max Espinoza

Bobservations

A text exchange between Carlos and me yesterday …

Me: I’m leaving work. I’ll drop your book at the Post Office on my way home.

Carlos: Thank you.

Me: 💗💗💗

Carlos: How come you love me so much?

Me: I have no idea.

Carlos: Especially since I am a horrible person. [Of note: a dear old old old old old friend of his called him a horrible person because of some family situation going on]

Me: True dat.

Carlos: What? You think I’m horrible—

Me: Who is this? :::crackle::: crackle::: I can’t :::crackle::: hear you :::crackle:::

I love toying with him.

This Cat Tale, er, Tail, is from September 2009 and is entitled Rule Breakers:

We have rules at Chez Smallville. Cats can get on the beds, on the desk, on the sunroom furniture and on the living room couch. They cannot get on the counters, the tables, the dining room chairs or any of the four new chairs in the living room. And they listen. They know where they can go, and where they cannot.

So, imagine my surprise to walk into the living room and find Tuxedo and MaxGoldberg nesting in a No-No Chair! And look at Max; he's got that Uh-oh face. Tuxedo, on the other hand, couldn't even be bothered to wake up.

At least not until I yelled Geddownfromthere!

Cat scatter.

I miss those Little Devils.

How to tell the world you’re thirsty for attention without saying a word. 

Well, if you're Lisa Rinna, you appear at Cannes because there are cameras there, and you're dressed like Disco Bride of Frankenstein.

Here’s a palate cleanser to scrub my brain of Rinna … the other day I ordered a delivery of cake flour and the wrong thing was delivered.

Or was it?

So it goes like this … billionaire asshat Jeff Bezos went on a rampage over NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani “villainizing” billionaires so the very next day Mamdani launched a collection effort against Bezos and Amazon and recovered over $9 million in unpaid idling fines which occurred when Amazon drivers left their trucks illegally idling on the streets while they made their deliveries.

Bezos’ $2 trillion company ignored the tickets and fucked around and found out that Mamdani ain’t playin’.

Junior was getting married in the Bahamas over the weekend and his Daddy couldn’t attend because, he said, being president made it impossible—though it never stopped him from golfing or feeding his fat corroded face at Mar-Illegal—but is being too busy the real reason?

See, the real reason is that the Bahamas' Immigration Act generally restricts entry to individuals deemed "undesirable," including convicted criminals, sex offenders, and those with a history of sexual offenses … like the US President.

Makes me wonder if Junior didn’t plan the wedding in the Bahamas on the hopes that Daddy would get arrested.

In South Carolina MAGAt and  former police officer Waylon Rogers, along with Matthew Fay, Allen Folz, Paula Folz, Edward Storer, and Jeanine Storer, have been charged in an alleged child sex ring.

NOT TRANSGENDER! NOT A DRAG QUEEN! NOT AN IMMIGRANT!

Tennessee officials will pay $835,000 to settle a lawsuit filed by Larry Bushart who was jailed for more than a month over a Facebook post he made about the murder of conservative activist racist and asshat Charlie Kirk. Bushart, a retired police officer, spent 37 days behind bars before authorities dropped the felony charge against him in October; Bushart now says:

“I am pleased my First Amendment rights have been vindicated. The people’s freedom to participate in civil discourse is crucial to a healthy democracy. I am looking forward to moving on and spending time with my family.”

A win for Free Speech!

Caesar Romeo van den Idsert is an internationally recognized fashion model, six-foot-one, with blonde and blue eyes … Romeo, Romeo, Would You Hit It?

Bobservations

Carlos was talking about his former job working with the Hispanic community, the unhoused community, and the local schools to talk to kids about drugs and drinking and smoking.

Well, one day he and a few women on the staff went to a local middle school for an anti-drug program but before they got started there was a woman there selling faces creams for blotchy skin and under eye bags and tiny wrinkles and before you could, ‘Wait one damn minute,’ Carlos was slathered in creams and potions and lotions, none of which worked.

I asked him why he did it, and he said, wait for it, the ladies made him. Then I reminded him of that one word in the English language that might have saved him:

“No.”

“But you don’t know these women!”

Oh Carlos … and then he told me there was a picture of him covered in lotions and potions so I am on the hunt for that!

This Tuxedo Says is from August 2021:

"Once again Tuxedo has proven that, like his two Dads, he has zero fucks left to give to these anti-masker, anti-vaxxer loons."

And it wouldn’t be lost on Tuxedo to note that the MAGAts have no problem with ICEstapo masking up and murdering people and arresting children.

I forgot to mention that this month in my household is called Fuckuary as it is the month where my mother passed away February 17 2007; my Aunt Pam passed away February 14, 2009; my sister Jeri passed February 15, 2014; my father passed away February 1, 2024;  and while some of you may not count your pets as family, I do, and so ... The Great Tuxedo passed away February 15, 2023.

I don’t enjoy February Fuckuary.

A veritable who’s who of who’s that was the “celebrity” guest list for the premiere of Melanie’s “movie” at the Kennedy Center:

Daytime TV host has-been Dr. Phil; Dr. Mehmet Quack Oz; rapper Waka Flocka Flame; social media magician Pete Anthony Sciarrino III; Fox “News” host Maria Baritomo; Jordan Belfort, the serial fraudster. And then you have the people forced to show up lest Cankles go off like DUI hire Pete Hegseth; Second Lady Usha Vance’ Attorney General Pamela Jo  Bondi, FBI director Kash Patel; and heroin addict RFK Jr.

Sounds abysmal, doesn’t it?

I needed a palette cleanser after that last bit so here’s a photo of the flotation devices my neighbors have at their pool.

Keep in mind that the DOJ arrested journalists Don Lemon, Georgia Fort, Jamael Lydell Lundy and Trahern Jeen Crews; all people of color; all journalists covering a story.

Who has not been arrested by the DOJ are Jonathan Ross, who shot Nicole Good four times, once in the face, and ICEstapo agents Jesus Ochoa and Raymundo Gutierrez who shot Alex Pretti as he laid on the ground dying.

Down in Texas of all places Democrat Taylor Rehmet has flipped Texas Senate District 9 Blue, pulling off a major electoral upset in a district Cankles won by 17 points in 2024.

It’s coming … the Blue Wave!

Fox “News” host Bullshit Barbie AKA Kayleigh McEnany is pushing for Melanie to win an Academy Award for the documentary “Melanie: From Whore House to White House.”

In addition to seeing Melanie get an Oscar, McEnany claimed Melanie would outshine everyone in attendance at Hollywood’s most glamorous event:

“If she was to go, she would be the best dressed and the classiest dressed by a long shot.”

Bullshit, Barbie.

Damian Baugh  models for most of the top agencies when he isn’t foraging wild mushrooms for his mushroom business—seriously—and hoping to create his own fashion line, so with all that, Would You Hit It?

The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Pedro X Molina, Matt Wuerker, Max Espinoza, Clay Bennett, Dennis Goris, Chris Britt, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck

The Funny Papers

Jesse Duquette, Chris Britt, Jack Ohman, Trevor Irvin, Nick Anderson, Ann Telnaes, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Tim Campbell. John Cole, Mike Stanfill