It's Snarkurday!

What a world it might have been had John Stamos gotten his way, at least according to the new Lifetime movie, The Unauthorized Full House Story.

 See, it appears that Stamos tried to get the Olsen twins replaced because they wouldn’t stop crying, and Stamos is saying it really happened:

“It’s sort of true that the Olsen twins cried a lot. It was very difficult to get the shot. So I [gesturing], ‘Get them out…!’ That is actually 100 percent accurate. They brought in a couple of unattractive redheaded kids. We tried that for a while and that didn’t work. And that’s the story.”

Just think, though, had the Olsen’s been replaced, we have a couple less ultra rich Goth Hobbits in the world today.

So, Little Kylie Jenner turned 18 last week and celebrated in Canada because she can legally drink there, which leads me to sing ♫♪ Oh Canada … what have you wrought ♪♫.

But this is about her gift from her is-he-or-isn’t-he her boyfriend, Tyga, or is he just the guy banging the once underage “model.”

See, Tyga is known for regifting stuff to Kylie, and actually gave Kylie one of his ex-girlfriend’s, and baby mama, Blac Chyna’s old watches. And then Kylie and Blac started an Instagram war over who was wearing the watch “currently.”

But now it’s bigger than a watch because Tyga gave Kylie one of Blac’s old cars, after he re-painted it from white to red!

Of course, Tyga’s camp is saying Kylie is only “borrowing” the car … just like she’s borrowing Tyga from Blac Chyna.

So Ben Affleck’s nanny jump-off, Christine Ouzounian, is riding high with all the press about how she was banging a married movie star while babysitting his kids.

And to show what a class act she is, she posted pictures of herself on a private jet to Vegas with Ben and his buddy Tom Brady, while wearing Brady’s four Super Bowl rings.

And this trip to Vegas with Ben came right after Ben and Jen’s trip to the Bahamas where Jen found out about NannyGate and fired her, so it seems quite clear that Ben is schtupping the help, and then taking her on vacation.

But Ben assured her it was okay because he was technically her boss even though, while she is a nanny, there were no Affleck children on the trip, and Ben hid her at the hotel the entire time.

Banging.The.Help.

Paying.The.Alimony.

Looking.Like.A.Douche.

Meanwhile, back at the Goth Hobbits …

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are facing a class-action lawsuit says their company, Dualstar, treats its interns terribly by making them work long hours and then deciding not to pay them for the work.

The class-action suit, which alleges wage theft, says the Olsen’s failed to pay about 40 past and present interns. The lead plaintiff, former design intern Shahista Lalani, says she was treated poorly, toiling for free doing menial tasks at Dualstar Entertainment Group, and ended up hospitalized for dehydration.

Look, I feel bad, but these people knew they’d be working for Hobbits and, well, Hobbits aren’t known for fair employment practices when they spend too much together looking like conjoined twins in Morticia Addams’ knock-offs.

We all know Kristen Stewart, who once banged that sparkly vampire while she was also banging a married film director, has gone full-on Lesbian, right?

I mean, she clearly has a new girlfriend, Alicia Cargile, but hasn’t done the “Yep, I’m Gay” Time magazine cover. And don’t expect her to, either, because, while promoting her next sure-to-bomb film, Stewart made it clear that she wasn’t coming out any time soon.

In fact, she says, if you want to know if she’s Team Lesbian you can just Google her.

“Google me, I’m not hiding.”

Um, Google me? Isn’t that what Cargile is for?

Just sayin’.

And now back to Ben Affleck’s nanny, who has turned f**king a married guy into quite the lucrative career. Trips the Bahamas, to Vegas, hanging out with Tom Brady, and yet she doesn’t have to watch a single child.

And now Christine Ouzounian is tooling around town in a brand new $50,000 Lexus IS convertible and Instagramming this:

“Keep Calm and meet new drop top Lexi.”

I thought she was Drop Top Christine?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon officially ended their marriage last winter, but it ain’t quite over yet because Nick is dragging his heels in the divorce proceedings, hoping to get more coins.

And y’all know Mimi ain’t playing, so she recently had dinner with her divorce lawyers to come up with a plan to put the screws to Nick Cannon so she can marry her newest next-ex-husband James Packer. But Mimi forgot one thing … well, she forgot those two little words: no pre-nup.

See, without a pre-nup, Nick can hold out for more cash and more cash because, I guess, he only married her for the money, so he’ll only divorce her for some more.

Oh Nicky, get another job!

Ann Curry may have the last laugh following her departure from NBC in January.

She’s writing a book, y’all.

If you remember, Curry tearfully said goodbye after being fired from the Today Show in 2012 because, ALLEGEDLY, prima donna Matt Lauer wanted his side-piece by his side in the morning, though she stayed working at NBC until earlier this year.

Curry has ALLEGEDLY been “unhappy for a long time because she basically does nothing, though she was earning $12 million a year after the firing.

NBC says Curry is moving on to develop her own media startup backed by NBCUniversal, which would allow her to produce content for a number of platforms, including for them so will she or won’t she talk about Lauer and the firing?

Well, she has a nondisclosure agreement with NBC that prevents her from spilling the details but it cannot stop her from talking about her feelings about events that have already been in the news.

I see a Nasty Book Club at NBC.

It's Snarkurday!

So … Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, former child-stars-turned-fashion-designers; don’t ask me which is which, because I neither know, nor care. I mean, they’re both a couple of teensy Troll dolls clad in Matching Magic Goth Capes with hair of straw and faces of stone, so how am I supposed to know who’s who? But I do know they do not like to be kept waiting, least of all by former pop-star-turned-fashion-designer, Posh Spice, er, Victoria Beckham.

At the Council of Fashion Designers of America awards [CFDAs] the other night the matched set of Troll dolls were on the carpet with Posh, when one of them … who knows which one … turned her back to the camera, and gave the hand, and then whispered to the other one, and then they both side-stepped, goose-stepped, kick-ball-changed, down the carpet and went home to the bridge under which they reside.

Was it Posh? Or something more ominous? Maybe someone asked why they weren’t gonna do the Full House reboot. Or maybe someone asked when they were gonna get clothes that fit?

Tiny Troll Divas.

Speaking of which ... I’ve decided to have my sense of smell removed, and I’m blaming Dior … and Johnny Depp.

See, the House of Dior has announced that Johnny Depp is the face of a new men’s fragrance to be unveiled in September.

I’m already imagining it smells like an unwashed rock-and-roll neck scarf, dripping with sweat, weed, and animal excrement … with a soupcon of testicle perspiration. Or maybe it’s potato salad left out in the July sun for eight hours, with a hint of cat litter box and, well, Amber heard.

Whatever it is, it won’t be strong enough to actually mask the smell of the real Johnny Depp.

Just sayin’.

Shortbite:

Lindsay Lohan is finally off probation — and the world quivers in fear — and decided the best way to celebrate was to fly to Venice, Italy and start drinking.

Then she hijacked a gondola, scored an eight-ball, broke into a jewelry store and crashed into a group of nuns touring the city.

Well, it’s Lohan, so that could have happened, right?

Speaking of Lohan, let’s talk Kim Richards, AKA Lindsay in twenty years. First up, the back story:

Kim, like Lohan, is a serial rehabber, having been in rehab at least four times.

Kim was, according to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sources — i.e. the crew — drunk a great deal of time.

Kim’s “co-stars” worried that she was drinking and drugging again.

Kim was arrested for being a drunken hot mess in public.

Kim went on “Dr.” Phil and denied she has a substance abuse problem and refused his offer of free rehab.

Kim finally went to a rehab that was like the Four Seasons, so she could come and go at will, and attend her daughter’s wedding weekend in Mexico.

Kim went to the wedding and was ALLEGEDLY drunk and disorderly to the point where the bride and groom snubbed her and her sober coach quit.

Kim then decided she’d had enough rehab and never went back to treatment.

And that’s where the trouble brews:

By agreeing to rehab, Kim was told that she would not only get a very lenient plea deal and avoid jail time, but she would also be able to return next season to RHoBH.

So, now it looks like she might do jail time — though possibly on the Lohan 84-Minutes In Jail plan — and will most likely be fired from RHoBH.

And then she’ll probably decide to celebrate by flying to Venice, Italy and start drinking, and then hijack a gondola, score a box of wine, break into a hotel bar, and beat up a group of nuns touring the city.

Just sayin’.

So, after testifying that he didn’t mean to pull a switchblade out of his pocket, flip it open, and slice into the skin of a 25-year-old guy during a bar fight, Saved By The Bell has been Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing the guy.

But, he was found guilty of recklessly endangering public safety — and, no, not for Saved By The Bell — and was also found guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail.

Note to Dustin: in the Big House, Screech will less a nickname, and more the sound you make in the showers when Bubba walks in with hand lotion and a ginormous loofah and wants to scrub your back.

Shortbite:

Taylor Swift wants y’all to know she is not ‘overtly’ sexual:

“It’s fine. I’ve accepted it. I’m a lot of things. Overtly sexy is not one of them. I’m fine. I’m fine with all the other things I am.”

Thanks Tay-tay, but, um, yeah, we already knew that.

Let’s end with funny … and snarky, of course:

This past week, glorified cook Bobby Flay, who is in the midst of a very ugly divorce from his wife, former Law & Order: SVU actress, Stephanie March, got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Who knows why a cook is a Hollywood star but that isn’t the story …

In the middle of his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony, a plane flew overhead with one of those banners trailing behind it that read:

“Cheater.”

No word on whether it was March … and no word on whether it was actress January Jones whom, in the Flay-March divorce papers were listed by Stephanie March as being just one of the women Flay schtupped during their marriage.

Love.It. 

Random Musings

I giggle at the way Russia tries to play itself off as not anti-LGBT while doing stuff like this:

The Molodoi Dalnevostochnik , a Russian newspaper has been accused of breaking the country's "gay propaganda" law because it published a news story about a teacher who was fired because he was gay.

The state's media watchdog, the Federal Mass Media Inspection Service (FMMIS), sent the editor-in-chief of the paper a notice claiming the item propagated homosexual relations following a report about why geography teacher Alexander Yermoshkin had been fired.

After a complaint, the FMMIS launched an investigation and one of its officials, Galina Yegoshina, pointed to a quote by Yermoshkin — "My very existence is effective proof that homosexuality is normal." — as proof of gay propaganda.

Yegoshina said: "This statement goes against logic. By offering it to underage readers, the author is misleading them about the normality of homosexuality."

So all those little Russian kids can choose to be gay so they can grow up to be teachers and be fired for being gay.

That statement goes against logic.

Carlos and I saw Gravity this weekend. Good, but very short; which I guess was good because it felt so claustrophobic just sitting there watching it — we saw the 3D version — that I was ready for it to end.

And, in case the idea ever comes up, I will not be going into space.

I’m spinning. I can’t breathe. What do I do.

Oy.

A pair of Asshats, of the Usual Variety:

Pat Robertson, “televangelist”,  told a parent who asked him how to talk to her gay son that she needed “to be understanding,” but he also suggested she ask her son if he’d been molested, because that’s how people become gay.

Robertson: “Is there a biological thing going on or has he been influenced, has a coach molested him?”

Then he added, because kids are dumb, “They don’t know what they’re doing, they’re teenagers.”

Say it with me, Pat, you delusional fuck, people are born gay, you can’t make them, turn them, or change them.

Asshat, Part Deux:

Bill O’Reilly, FoxNews douchebag, continues a pattern of transphobic commentary by alleging that bringing a 12-year old boy to Hooters is akin to allowing transgender students to use appropriate locker rooms or restrooms.

O’Reilly thinks kids fake being transgender so they can use bathrooms and locker rooms to spy on the opposite sex.

Again, why, please tell me why, a young person would allege that they are transgender, just so they can watch the opposite sex change clothes and pee, and yet subject themselves to ridicule and shame inflicted upon them by dimwitted talking heads from a  transphobic news channel?

You can’t. So STFU.

Good news.

Former Family Ties star Meredith Baxter is engaged to her longtime girlfriend Nancy Locke.

The wedding date hasn’t been announced, but the invites have already been sent to guests -- so it's definitely happening.

Congrats to the happy couple.

In breaking news, the Olsen Twins, and wannabe Troll Dolls, have announced that they’re quitting acting.

In response, Acting has released a statement saying, “We quit you ten years ago.”

Marissa Alexander , the Florida woman who claimed to be a victim of abuse yet was sentenced to 20 years for allegedly firing a warning shot during a dispute with her husband — see my post HERE — was  granted a new trial after an appellate court erased a decision by a jury that took just 12 minutes to convict her of aggravated assault.

Alexander unsuccessfully tried to invoke Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law as the same prosecutors who unsuccessfully worked to put Zimmerman behind bars told the court that she did not act in self-defense. And even though she’s been granted a new trial, Judge James Daniel appeared unmoved by the Stand Your Ground defense:

"We reject her contention that the trial court erred in declining to grant her immunity from prosecution under Florida's Stand Your Ground law, but we remand for a new trial because the jury instructions on self-defense were erroneous."

Alexander testified that her then-husband, Rico Gray Sr., questioned her fidelity and the paternity of her 1-week-old child. She claimed that he broke through a bathroom door that she had locked and grabbed her by the neck. She tried to push past him but he shoved her into the door. Then she ran to the garage and tried to leave but was unable to open the garage door, so she retrieved a gun, which she legally owned. Inside, she says her husband saw the gun and charged at her saying, "Bitch, I'll kill you." She said she raised the gun and fired a warning shot into the air.

The jury rejected the self-defense claim and Alexander was sentenced under the state's 10-20-life law.

Now, hopefully, she’ll get a new, fair trial.

Fab-u-lous.

American Horror Story: Coven creator Ryan Murphy has announced that Stevie Nicks will appear on the show this season.

One character, played by actress Lilly Rabe, has suggested that Stevie Nicks is a witch, and Rabe plays her character as an homage to the singer.

Stevie on Coven! I’m in.

Becca Gorman, a 15-year-old student in  Massachusetts with two lesbian moms has asked Apple to stop describing ‘gay’ as ‘foolish, stupid’ is its dictionary.

Yes, Apple is playing the ‘That’s so gay’ rule.

Seriously. Gorman wrote to Apple’s CEO Tim Cook — who has never publicly discussed his sexuality but has been included on lists of LGBTI business leaders — and said:

‘I assume that you are a pro-gay company, and would never intend for any one of your products to be as offensive as this definition was. Even with your addition of the word informal, this definition normalizes the terrible derogatory twist that many people put on the word “gay”.’

She heard straight back from someone at Apple who said they were ‘shocked’ themselves and promised to act, though the dictionary has yet to be changed.

But Becca Gorman isn’t stopping: ‘I feel like we're going to have to make a bigger deal about it before they actually act on it.’

Or, we could just start saying, of things that are stupid and foolish, ‘That’s so Apple.’

Taye Diggs and Morris Chestnut are in The Best man Holiday — which, although it sounds like a gay man’s vacation is sadly not — and have been everywhere promoting the film. 

Yummy.

Random Musings

Have you seen the previews for that new ABC show? 
I think it's called Not Without My Son, maybe. Or Where's Waldo. Why Is Ashley Judd's Face So Wack?
Missing! That's it.
And it does star Ashley Judd as a mother looking for her kidnapped, runway, missing, son. And seems to be based on every single movie she's ever made. Lots of running and shouting and close-ups of her pores.
Looks good.
I kid.


At Boston's Northeastern University, it's No chicken, er, No Chick-fil-A, for you!!

The anti-LGBT restaurant chain will not be making its way to Northeastern’s Curry Student Center after the University’s Student Government Association [SGA]voted 31 to five against allowing the homophobic group a spot on campus.
Hundreds of students signed an online petition last week against the chain after learning that Chick-fil-A has donated nearly $2 million to anti-gay groups in 2009, and more than $1 million between 2003 and 2008. 
SGA Executive Vice President Will Pett said the “administration wanted the Senate to pass a resolution before spring break so the issue could be resolved immediately.” He brought it up as “emergency business”--which required two-thirds majority to pass--and the senate voted not to bring hate to the campus. Other proposed food vendors--Sweet Tomatoes Neapolitan Pizza, Kigo Kitchen and UBurger--are seen as better alternatives to Chick-fil-A. 
And not as homophobic.


Oh.My.Heart.

Though they've been in the public eye since they were 6 months old, now, at age 25, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have had their fill of the spotlight. They announced in Elle UK's April issue that they are quitting acting.
Ashley says, with a straight face, hidden behind giant sunglasses and Troll Doll hair, "I don't have to be a pretty face. I've done that, but now it's important and liberating to be on the other side of the lens."
Of course, she hasn't appeared onscreen since the last Olsen's movie, New York Minute, flopped like Mitt Romney back in '04.
While Mary-Kate stuck with the acting thing a bit longer--she guest starred on Weeds in 2007 and played a teeny role in the critically panned 2011 film Beastly--she also says, "[It] just felt right to move away [from the spotlight]."
Like they had a choice.
Seriously.


Okay, so I was away last week and didn't weigh in on the Rush Limbaugh Sandra Fluke Slut Mess.
First amendment. He has the right to say that.
Bad taste? Oh, indeed. 
Seriously stupid? Always.
Cost him something? Positively.
While he is allowed to say what he wants--we all are--his little slut and prostitute mess has cost him 140 advertisers, who defected his show after his idiotic, albeit free, statements. 
Looks like sometimes even Free Speech costs.


TWEET Fool.
Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association took up with Rush via this Tweet:

Funny, eh, that he is basically saying it's no big deal to call a woman a slut, then he censors his own usage of the word.
Hypocrite say what?

Of course, we also heard from wacknut, conservative actress Patricia Heaton during the whole Sandra Fluke mess. She decided to join Rush Limbaugh--which says volumes about her politics and her brain function--and attacked the Georgetown Law student.
Heaton Tweeted:

• "Hey G-Town Gal: Plz let us also pay for your Starbucks, movie theater tickets and your favorite hot wings combo deal at KFC! Anything else?"
• "Hey G-Town Gal: If your parents have to pay for your birth control, maybe they should get a say in who you sleep with!" Instant birth control!"
• "If every Tweaton sent Georgetown Gal one condom, her parents would have to cancel basic cable, & she would never reproduce -- sound good?"
• "Hey GTown Gal: How about only having sex on Wednesday? (Hump day!)."
• "Hey G-Town Gal: turn your underwear inside out! Then u only have to do laundry every 2 weeks—saves on detergent & trips to Laundromat!"

Her moronic, nonsensical, and basically untrue, and definitely rude, Tweets cause many fans to rise up against Heaton, and forced her to, temporarily, shut down her Twitter account.
After feeling the backlash,Heaton issued her own apology:

• "re @SandraFluke Mea culpa Sandra! Wasn't being respectful 2 u re my tweets as I hope people wd b w/me. Don't like you being dissed -so sorry."
• "I apologized to Ms Fluke last week. I may not agree with her views but I didn’t treat her with respect and I'm sorry. I was wrong. Mea Culpa."

While Fluke dismissed Limbaugh's apology as insincere, she has not commented on Heaton's.

And speaking of Free Speech.
Kirk Cameron is a homophobe.
We all heard his idiotic comments on Piers Morgan, where he called us all sorts of names and said if his children told him they were gay he'd suggest celibacy.
Too bad no one suggested that to Kirk Cameron before he started reproducing.
Of course, then Cameron, feeling the heat of his stupid, yet free, speech, began whining about people being mean to him and calling him names and saying bad stuff.
Pot.Kettle.Black.
Free Speech works both ways, Kirk. You can say whatever you want about the gay community, couching in your religious leanings, or, as some suggest, your own self-loathing closeted homosexuality.
And I can say what I want, too.
Free Speech is a two-way street you bigot.
Deal.


TWEET Funny.

Last week we heard the news that people in Ireland approve of same-sex marriage by a whopping 73%. Not all people are happy with it, nor do all people understand what marriage is, as evidenced by this response to that post:

jp has left a new comment on your post The Luck Of The Irish:

Doesn't marriage involve a church and a blessing by God? If so then it is ludicrous for gay people to want to be married in the house of the deity that states quite clearly they will burn in Hell.If a gay couple want to pledge some kind of allegiance in a civil ceremony then why not but let's not get hypocritical about it.

First off, jp, marriage does not necessarily involve a church. People are married in their homes, in their yards, on the beach in a barn, under a bridge, or, in a church, if they so desire,
Secondly, marriage does not necessarily require blessing by god, or even not-god. There have been heterosexual civil marriages for eons, which did not take place in a church, or require the g-o-d to be legal. 
In fact, jp, being married in a church, with the blessing of a god, any god, doesn't make anyone legally married. That is only accomplished once the government-issued marriage license is signed, sealed, and delivered.
Thirdly, why is it hypocritical for gay couple to choose to have a church wedding and a blessing by god? There are a great deal of Christians who are gay and would like that right. And there are a great many churches happy to oblige those couples. 
Not every church-goer thinks gay folks are gonna burn in hell, any more than they think people who eat shellfish will burn for eternity. Picking and choosing sections of the Bible to feed your own intolerance, bigotry, or ignorance should also be worthy of a trip to the hot place, no?
Now, if a church decides it will not host, perform, sanction, attend, a same-sex marriage, that's okay, too.
Not hypocritical at all, jp.

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a crowd in Gulfport, Mississippi last week that he doesn't like the new ABC show, GCB, short for Good Christian Bitches.
"Here's to show you the biases of the elite media, look at the new show that's on that has the word 'Christian' in it and I want you to take the exact name, drop out Christian and put in Muslim. And ask yourself, is there any network that would have dared to run a show like that and you know the answer is not a one because anti-Christian bigotry is just fine in the entertainment industry but they have to be very protective of Islam."
Um, Newt, two things...well, maybe three:
First off, shut the fuck up you serial adulterer. You are the last person who should be a Christian spokesperson.
Cheat once, I'll give you that you made a mistake.
Cheat twice, and you're a serial mistress fucker.
Thing Two: Christian is a word that encompasses many different beliefs, from Catholic to Methodist to Protestant to Baptists, and beyond. Muslim is a much smaller group. 
To attack, or, as I see it, satirize, Christians is kinda funny, but to attack, or satirize Muslims, which, as I said, is a much smaller, less encompassing group, does seem a bit hateful. Not to mention that many people in your own party, and'some of your own partys paid spokeshogs, have consistently blasted the Muslim community since 9/11.
So, again, shut the fuck up.
Oh, yeah, and Three:
It's satire.

♫♫ The Love Boat...soon will be making another run ♪♫
To.The.Scrap.Heap.
Yup, according to Italy's La Repubblica, after languishing at a dock in Genoa, Italy for more than a year, the ship that played the role of the Love Boat is heading to the scrapyard to be broken up and sold for scrap metal.

Built in 1971 for $25 million for Flagship Cruises as the Sea Venture, the ship was originally built for New York to Bermuda cruise service,and sailed between Bermuda and U.S. ports for three years, before it was sold to Princess Cruises in 1974, and renamed “Pacific Princess”.  

The 600-passenger ship, tiny by today's standards, gained fame and recognition as the scene for ABC's "The Love Boat", which aired from 1977 to 1986.  The ship continued to sail for Princess Cruises until 2003. After changing hands a couple times, the ship last sailed for Spanish-based Quail Cruises.

Man, it's kinda like the Jennifer Lopez of cruise ships, being bandied about like that.

And now, it's just junk.

Again, kinda like Lopez.