Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Why Is It ...

… that I often think being abducted by aliens might be just the vacation I need?

… that I feel like I just need 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the mornings and then I’m recharged and ready to tackle the day.

… that the night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off?

… that I’m at a point in my life where I don’t even know the point I’m at, but know that I am at a point?

… that I love being the reason Nuns clutch their rosaries when I pass by?

… that when I hear noises in the house, I pray that they’re ghosts and not just another problem I need to spend money on to fix?

… that much like a houseplant I can be given perfect conditions and yet still refuse to thrive?

… that after seeing a quote that said “You did not wake up today to be mediocre,” my first thought was, “Yes, I did. It’s Tuesday.”

… that I have two milestones each day at work: lunch and leaving?

Bobservations

Not really a Carlos story, though he was there … the other night we were out dinner in Camden, and a party of ten was seated nearby. Their server came over and was chatting with the group, a family, and asked if it was a special occasion. One man at the head of the table said:

“Our mother’s getting married tomorrow.”

“Oh, congratulations, that should be so much fun.”

Silence, until the man said:

“Our mother’s getting ‘buried’ tomorrow.”

Ouch.

Put me, and clearly Tuxedo, too, in the group that doesn’t care when or why you said the n-word and I still think you should apologize for it.

Inside That censure nonsense the Republican National Committee [RNC] put out this week calling January 6th a “legitimate political discourse” continues to taint the party … especially given this:

The resolution, drafted by David Bossie a longtime Thing 45 lapdog, started out as an effort to expel Cheney and Kinzinger from the House Republican Conference. But an early draft condemned the two representatives for participating in “a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in nonviolent and legal political discourse.”

Nonviolent. People died. Property damaged. Nonviolent.

Mary Margaret Kreuper, an 80-year-old nun, has been sentenced to a year in prison after she confessed to stealing more than $800,000 from the elementary school where she worked as principal for twenty-eight to fund her gambling trips to Las Vegas.

Kreuper must also pay $825,338 in restitution.

I guess what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas if you’re an embezzling nun?

I love music from days gone by, and still remember some of the oldies my mother and father used to play. And so when I hear them now, I instantly know who’s singing, and people seemed stunned I know it; like this:

“Oh, that’s Vikki Carr singing, ‘It Must be him’.”

“How do you know that?”

I then stand on my right foot, bend at the waist and put my left leg straight out behind me, spreading my arms out wide from my side and say:

“I used to skate my long program to this.”

And If I did, I wore this …

Earlier this week we talked about that Rotterdam bridge being dismantled so Jeff Bezos can sail his mega-yacht and miniscule dick under to reach the open sea.

Thanks to reader Marcia la Rue, I learned that Dutch preservationists have said they will pummel the superyacht with rotten eggs if the city of Rotterdam follows through with plans to dismantle a section of that 140-year-old bridge.

It’s almost worth the flight to be able to hurl a rotten egg at Jeff Bezos’ boat ego.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes because, to be honest, that would be boring. If you want a true Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Arizona’s top House Republican, Speaker Rusty Bowers, is overturning legislation that would have given state lawmakers the power to reject election results.

Toi be fair, Bowers is not killing House Bill 2596, which he could do simply by refusing to assign it to any committee to be considered. Instead, he is assigning the proposal to each and every one of the 12 House committees, because he knows the bill cannot secure approval of each.

This is what people in certain states have to go through to protect elections from other Republicans who want to be able to deny the results of an election simply because they don’t like the outcome.

Arizona? Stand with Bowers and vote out the traitors who would change your vote if it doesn’t go their way.

The other day a client came into our office and as I was talking with her about her project, she told me that I had a beautiful head of hair. And because my brain always goes ‘there’ I said to her:

“Thank you. It’s 100% recycled plastic water bottles.”

Sadly, I think she bought it.

This is Ben Bowers, no relation to Rusty from Arizona; he's a model, actor, hot guy walking. I know nothing more, except that he looks good in a Speedo, but I still ask: Would You Hit It?

The Vatican Tries To Bitchslap Nuns

The Vatican has launched a crackdown on Leadership Conference of Women Religious [LCWR], the group that represents most of America’s 55,000 Catholic nuns, saying they are not speaking out strongly enough against marriage equality, abortion and women’s ordination.

You know, because there aren't any more poor, hungry, thirsty, homeless, parent-less children in the world these days for the Vatican to worry about.

The Vatican’s recent actions against LCWR reads, in part: 

“The current doctrinal and pastoral situation of the LCWR is grave and a matter of serious concern, also given the influence the LCWR exercises on religious congregations in other parts of the world."

The directive follows a two-year investigation by Rome, which hasn't had anything else to do of late, you know, like ridding the Church of child rapists or feeding hungry children. Those are small potatoes, when you consider that a group that represents nuns is not speaking out against marriage equality as harshly as Pope Benny deems necessary.

Another group specifically targeted by the Vatican's bitchslap, er, directive, is Network, a social l justice lobby created by Catholic sisters some 40 years ago, Network plays a leading role in pushing progressive causes in Washington.

Catholic. Progressive. Those sisters have their work cut out for them.

The Vatican announcement said that “while there has been a great deal of work on the part of LCWR promoting issues of social justice in harmony with the church’s social doctrine, it is silent on the right to life from conception to natural death.” And it adds that “crucial” issues like “the church’s biblical view of family life and human sexuality, are not part of the LCWR agenda in a way that promotes church teaching. Moreover, occasional public statements by the LCWR that disagree with or challenge positions taken by the bishops, who are the church’s authentic teachers of faith and morals, are not compatible with its purpose.”

Many bishops, those teachers of faith and morality--at least the ones not on trial for raping boys--are angry that LCWR and Network, along with the Catholic Health Association, have endorsed President Obama’s health care reform over the bishops’ objections. 

It sounds to me like the bishops are just a bunch of pissy old queens in satin robes who are angry that a group of nuns--a group of women--aren't goostestepping along with the Bishop's warped view of morality.

While LCWR has yet to comment, Sister Simone Campbell, executive director of Network, is “stunned” that the Vatican document would single out her group over its support for health care reform: “It concerns me that political differences in a democratic country would result in such a a censure and investigation.”

Sister Campbell also strongly defended LCWR. “I know LCWR has faithfully-served women religious [as both sisters in active ministry and cloistered nuns are known] in the United States and worked hard to support the life of women religious and our service to the people of God.”

I think the Vatican is just trying to strong-arm a group of strong-willed women into towing the Catholic hardline. But they may have a fight on their hands; in 2009 the Vatican launched an investigation of all women religious in the U.S., prompted by concern over the women's commitment to Catholic doctrine and tradition as well as the sharp decline in vocations. 

See, the number of nuns in America has dropped from 179,954 in 1965 to just 55,000 today. And those 55,000 are speaking up for themselves, something the Catholic Church, which has long considered women less than men, doesn't like.

I hope the LCWR and Network continue to stand up to the Pope and the Church. I hope they continue to march toward a more progressive future for the Church.

It's time, maybe, that we let women run the Vatican. I can imagine a lot of things would change.

For the better.

source

Hmmmmm, What Are These Again?

Oh yeah...............

Nun Chucks.

source

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

In this day of sex tapes popping up--no pun intended--all over the place, of Twitter and Facebook and MySpace, you'd think people would learn not to take nude photographs.

Apparently, they don't.

See, there's this thirty-one-year-old woman in Italy who is suing her ex-boyfriend because he put naked pictures of her on his Facebook page; the photos were taken when the two were vacationing several years ago. But times have changed and the two are no longer a couple. The woman has found a new boyfriend.

God.

Yes, this woman is suing because the posting of her nekkid ass for all the world to see has made her the butt--the unclothed butt--of jokes all over Italy.

Just when you thought it couldn't get more absurd.

Naked Nuns On Facebook!