Bobservations

Last week, as I was getting ready to leave work, I received a text from Carlos and this is our conversation:

“Hi sweetie, where would you like to have lunch in Columbia tomorrow?”

“Why am I going to Columbia tomorrow?”

“I have an interpretation with the public defender’s office.”

It goes on with me telling Carlos I didn’t know about the interpretation and him telling me that he texted about it, and me not having that text on my phone. So, I start driving home, using Siri to send texts to him as I drove, and sending the last one  as I pulled into the garage.

In the house we had a small less-than-spat because Carlos insisted he’d sent the appointment text and yet it was neither on my phone nor his. It went round and round, until I went to change my clothes, and as I came back to the kitchen, I heard Carlos talking with his Siri, which he had programed to speak with an English accent, and that went like this:

“Hey Siri, did I get a new text?”

Siri, sounding a little like High Grant says:

“You have a new text from Bob. Shall I read it?”

“Yes.”

“Bob says: ‘Suck a dick.’”

I kinda giggled at that.

Tuxedo has decided that, from now on, Michael Flynn will be known as General Disinformation.

Missouri’s chief disciplinary counsel, citing Mark and Patricia McCloskey’s guilty pleas to misdemeanors for waving at Black Lives Matter protesters in St. Louis last year, is asking the state Supreme Court to suspend Boozy and Clod’s law licenses.

Good.

We’re watching Impeachment: American Crime Story, about the blowjob heard ‘round the world, and it appears that Paula Jones—who says Bill Clinton exposed himself to her in the early 90s—is very unhappy with Annaleigh Ashford’s portrayal of her in the show, calling it cartoonish, insulting, inaccurate, and deeply offensive. But she also has words for Monica Lewinsky, who is credited as a producer—Ryan Murphy didn’t feel right making the show without Lewinsky’s involvement—and says:

“I find it funny that Monica can have a relationship in the Oval Office, under the Oval desk, yet … people want to hear her story. It makes no sense to me. I have always been shunned and made fun of.”

Paula, honey, Bill showed you his dick once, but he stuck his dick into Monica over the course of many months; you are just an asterisk, okay?

Sidenote: I will say again that Monica Lewinsky is not a victim of sexual harassment. It takes two to tango, and from the show, which again Monica is a co-producer, the first time she meets Clinton she tells him she has a crush on him. On another occasion, she pulls her jacket up to show him the straps of her pink lacy thong. Plus, even more importantly, he wasn’t just her boss, he was the president, and she knew he was a married man and still she went for it.

Both Bill and Monica are to blame. The victim is Hillary Clinton.

This past at the Emmys RuPaul’s Drag Race won the award for outstanding competition program again, making RuPaul the most decorated Black artist in Emmy Awards history.

Shantay, Ru slayed.

Just a reminder that the vaccinated Fox News hacks like Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham and the rest of the trash continue to bash the vaccine and claim that mandates are tyranny, but they are ALL vaccinated because their employer has mandated that they take the vaccine or not come to work.

Hypocrites. Lying, twisted hypocrites.

Another hypocrite is one Eric Clapton who wrote an anti-vaxxing song and said he would not play in any venue that requires proof of vaccine or proof of a negative COVID test.

Last week Clapton performed in New Orleans at a venue that requires both of those things.

Fuck off.

Remember that press conference on the steps of the Supreme Court last year with “doctors” touting hydroxychloroquine, and receiving praise from the Former Guy?

Well, Florida’s new Surgeon General, appointed by Ron DeathSantis, is Dr. Joseph Ladapo, who was one of those speakers.

Asking for a country: can someone please ask Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin exactly what “bipartisanship” they’re salvaging by protecting the filibuster?

Mitch McConnell has just said he’d let the government default on loans which could cost six million American jobs and wipe out $15 trillion in household wealth.

There is no bipartisanship on the other side, there is just the need to destroy this country and then blame Biden for it.

The body of Gabby Petito has been found and people are still suggesting this might not have happened if her parents had taught her to leave an abusive and toxic relationship.

But why don’t parents teach their sons not to be abusive, to take ‘No’ for an answer.

Stop blaming the victims.

This week in Would You Hit It we are featuring Alexander Ludwig, a Canadian actor and singer and big blond hunk of beef who is currently starring as a wrestler in Heels. I will also add that the man possesses one of the finest asses seen on TV and ask the question:

Would you hit it?

While mentioning the murder of Gabby Petito, it also needs to be brought up how many people of color go missing every year, hell, every day, and yet are not featured on every single news cast every single day.

An Emmy Stream of Consciousness

The best way to describe the Emmy Awards … meh. I mean, it was okay; it was nice to see some different people win, but man, where was the funny? I loved the idea of Colin Jost—whom I find totes adorbs—and Michael Che because I thought they’d bring an SNY edge to the show; and yet they felt more like Buddy Hackett and Nipsy Russell 2.0 …Google ‘em kids.

Still, that opening number? Any fool who has ever seen an awards show, save the Tony Awards, knows that the opening musical number is over. And this one, “WE Solved It,” was a hot mess; the more people who cam out to sing the more jumbles it became so that you had no idea what they were signing. And the We Solved It dancers? They couldn’t solve “I Love _ _ _ _” on Wheel of Fortune. Like RuPaul, I was pissed at the whole mess, but Ru was kidding; I’m not. The two best parts were Sterling K. Brown, cuz he revs my motor and John Legend because he sings like caramel.

Still … the show … lame jokes about the people in the room who haven’t been “caught.” Lame jokes about people drinking during the show… “people losing their inhibitions at a work function.” Lame.

Matt Smith, British, perfectly coifed and clothed, and hot, this years Tom Hiddleston, and maybe next year's, too, presents...

... OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR COMEDY SERIES to Henry Winkler, for Barry, who was last nominated forty-three years ago.  

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS COMEDY SERIES went to Alex Borstein, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, who for some reason took off her shawl, shook her boobies and then rubbed her nipples onstage. Yeah, I didn’t quite get it.

OUTSTANDING WRITING AND DIRECTION COMEDY SERIES … two awards … went to Amy Sherman Palladino, who appeared to be channeling Hugh Jackman from The Greatest showman.

But Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg, looking all Hot Gay Nerd to me, though perhaps he’s Hot Straight Nerd. Oh was hilarious ripping up the envelope and then announcing the winner is La La Land.

“Netflix has the most nominations … if you’re a network executive that’s the scariest thing you could ever possibly hear except, ‘Sir, I have Rona Farrow on Line One.”

Finally, some edge…and then nothing. Tiffany Haddish, who apparently is the It Girl, though I get more Not It, presented OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS COMEDY SERIES with the glorious Angela Basset; the award went to Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

“The Handmaid’s Tale is like Roots with bonnets.”

Michael Douglas gave the trophy to OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR COMEDY SERIES to Bill Hader, for Barry, after telling the losers to carry the rage of losing for the rest of their lives. I wondered why Douglas was there, but, yeah, he was kinda funny.

“A Limited Series is when as movie star reaches the limit on their credit card and has to do television.”

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are next, and he talks about what a great week it had been, and Chrissy says:

“All right, It’s enough. We get it, you’re an EGOT [Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony winner] now.”

He says:

“I was talking about our anniversary.”

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS LIMITED SERIES went to Merritt Wever from a show called Godless that I have never heard of. Judith Light, The Assassination of Gianni Versace, was robbed’ that’s all.

Che and Jost are back and trot out Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen who do the least funny, longest running gag of the night at Emmy Historians. Seriously, two seriously funny people who were as funny the election results in 2016.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR LIMITED SERIES went to Jeff Daniels, also for Godless, who gave a great speech about his horse and a broken wrist.

“Brooklyn 99 was canceled by Fox and picked up by NBC … Roseanne was canceled by herself and then picked up by white supremacists.”

Aidy Bryant and Bob Odenkirk came out and did some of that patented stilted presenter banter and patter, though theirs was a joke, whereas others weren’t in on the funny. 

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A LIMITED SERIES went to William Bridges and Charlie Brooks, whom I do not know, though William Bridges was Hot Cute and Charlie Brooks was Cute Funny, for USS Callistar [Black Mirror].

“There’s a Latin Magnum PI and a black Samantha on a Bewitched reboot, but that’s balanced out by an all-white reboot of Atlanta called Fifteen Miles Outside Atlanta. The story of white women who call the cops on the cast of Atlanta.”

Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon did another bit about that first Emmy show back in 1949 and then introduced 94-year-old Betty White. Gosh, I love me some Betty, but clearly she was a bit confused and rambling and I hate it when awards shows trot out legends just for the sake of legendary status. Leave Betty alone!

OUTSTANDING DIRECTOR LIMITED SERIES goes to Ryan Murphy for The Assassination of Gianni Versace, who thanked all the fabulous women in his life and in his shows …Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett and more.

“Black-ish is nominated. Black-ish is also how I’ve been told to behave.” — Michael Che who also gave us Reparations Emmys which just seemed an insult, both to the audience last night, and all of the actors of color who’d never won an award before. Not terribly funny.

RuPaul and Leslie Jones give us drag race realness and fierceness before presenting OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES to the brilliant, in everything she does, Regina King, for 7 Seconds.

OUTSTANDING ACTOR LIMITED SERIES went to Darren Criss for The Assassination of Gianni Versace. Criss was sociopathic, deadly, homosexual scary in the role.

Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph ate salads because, yeah, funny.

OUTSTANDING WRITING VARIETY SPECIAL … John Mulaney for something starring John Mulaney and wearing the same tuxedo I wore to my sister’s first wedding in the 1980s..

Tina fey gave us the Death March, featuring those in television that we lost this year and the insertion of John McCain was off-putting because I don’t remember him on McHale’s Navy and I think it was added just to take a non-verbal dig at _____.

The OUTSTANDING DIRECTION VARIETY SPECIAL went to Glenn Weiss, for The Oscars, but best of all was when Glenn proposed to his girlfriend from the stage … biggest ovation of the night because it was an honest sweet spontaneous lovely fun moment in a show devoid of them.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR DRAMA SERIES went to Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones, who is such a hottie … rugged and makes me tingle. Plus, he pointed out Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, the beefiest of cakes.

Elisabeth Moss, as drab as her last name, and shimmering Samira Wiley present OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS DRAMA SERIES to Thandie Newton for Westworld; she’s a creepy robot but a lovely woman.

“I’m so glad Peter Dinklage didn’t start his speech and then wait a year-and-a-half to finish it.”

OUTSTANDING WRITING DRAMA SERIES … Joel Fields and Joe Weisberg for The Americans.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTOR DRAMA SERIES was presented by Hannah Gadsby, whom I have pegged as the Aussie Ellen, and who stole the show for a few welcome minutes:

“This is … not normal? The world’s gone a bit crazy. I mean, for somebody like me — a nobody, from nowhere — gets this sweet gig, free suit, new boots, just ’cause I don’t like men? That’s a joke, of course. Just jokes, fellas, calm down. Hashtag NotAllMen, but a lot of ’em. No, it is just jokes, but what are jokes these days? We don’t know. Nobody knows what jokes are. Especially not men! Am I right, fellas? That’s why I’m presenting alone.”

I need her to host next year or I may not watch; anyway, she gave the award to Stephen Daldry, The Crown, who was not there and so Gadsby just sort of wandered off, while I shouted:

“Come back! Come baaaaaaaack!!”

OUTSTANDING ACTOR DRAMA SERIES went to Matthew Rhys, The Americans, who mentioned his girlfriend, Keri Russell, in the audience, and said she would punch him clean in the mouth if he proposed from the stage …so he didn’t.

The OUTSTANDING ACTRESS DRAMA SERIES went to Claire Foy, the Crown, who is simply British eleganza and whom I could listen to all day … seriously, Claire, come to my house and read my shopping list aloud.

Armisen and Rudolph appear again, and Michael Che says, “I’m against this,” while I said, “#MeToo.”

Then came the last of the awards, in a rush … OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION SHOW was awarded to RuPaul’s Drag Race, which I loved, unless I saw sycophant Ross Mathews take the stage; luckily, only Ru spoke … OUTSTANDING VARIETY SKETCH SHOW, to Saturday Night Live … OUTSTANDING VARIETY TALK SHOW to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver… OUTSTANDING LIMITED SERIES to The Assassination of Gianni Versace, and Ryan Murphy talking about the LGBTQ community and those who are not here because of suicide and murder.

Will Farrell—how much do I hate, yes, hate, him—came ambling out as slow as possible in what was an apparent applause grab that failed, to present OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel …and then finally, OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES TO Game of Thrones.

Gosh, what a dull mess, except for a few brief highlights. If Jost and Che cannot be themselves and be edgy and funny, then give me Hannah Gadsby next year; hell, give me Hannah anyway.

Let her host and present all the awards.

Emmy Fashions: Hits, Misses and D-i-sasters

BEST

Evan Rachel Wood. Sure, it may seem a little dull, but there’s an edgy, sexy, danger to its simplicity. My only complaint is that the hair could have been better, but she scares me a little in this … and I like it.

BETTER

Thandie Newton and Tracee Ellis Ross, the new Pink Ladies for a Grease reboot. Thandie is sleek and elegant, while Tracee, like her mother, brought it.

VERY GOOD

Megan Mullally and Sarah Paulson. I love the bold pattern and color on Megan, and the fact that it’s sheer but not slutty sheer. As for Sarah … she can do no wrong in my book, on the screen or on a carpet.

Kristen Bell and Samira Wiley. Polar opposites, and yet …Kristen took basic shite and made it simple and chic, while Samira added some glitz, but still kept it classy.

GOOD clockwise

Heidi Klum usually looks a wreck, but maybe her new boyfriend had a say in what she wore, because it’s sexy and classy and looks like just one dress, for a change.

Judith Light. I have been a fan since One Life to Live and she never disappoints; bold and sleek.

Sandra Oh, from one of my favorite shows last year, Killing Eve, looks elegant and simple and kinda sexy.

Yara Shahidi. Cool and edgy and young and hip; that’s who she is, that’s how she dresses.

MEH

Amanda Peete and Issa Rae. Amanda looks drab, from the hair to the makeup to the godawful dress. Issa, on the other hand, wore color, although Nursery Blue isn’t a good choice; I like the pants idea, but the rest is kinda fussy.

Jessica Biel and Penelope Cruz. White hot messes. Jessica looks like the dress is wearing her and PenCru never met a feathered ball gown she didn’t love.

Laura Dern and Rachel Brosnahan. Dern looks like Dominatrix Librarian Mortician, while Brosnahan looks good, but the dress should have been worn by someone with a little more up top …and I’m a gay man so that isn’t sexist.

Alexis Bledel and Allison Janney. Alexis is 37 and that dress looks like a dress for a middle school girl; Janney looks like Old Hollywood, but not in that classic way, but in that “Didn’t Joan Collins wear this when she threw Linda Evans in a pool on Dynasty” kinda of way.

Regina King. God, I think she’s a brilliant actress—I mean, she was on 227 fer chrissakes and now she’s a double Emmy winner—but this dress and its weird flat oval bodice does her no favors.

BAD

Chrissy Teigen and Gwendoline Christie. Chrissy is young and fun, but this dress makes her look like she fought Allison Janney for another Joan Collins masterpiece. Gwen, on the other hand, looks like she’s channeling her show, Game of Thrones, but she shouldn’t have sat down in it …the wrinkles ruin it.

Keri Russel and Kristin Cavallari. Keri looks like a Goth stripper, while Kristin went back to her old Hills drag; someone should tell her that the 90s, especially the 90s hair, are over.

Many Moore and Tina Fey look like they both bought the same bolt of fabric, but Many made a prom dress, while Tina went Mother of the Bride, with the addition of frilled straps … never a good idea.

Maya Rudolph and Sarah Silverman. Funny women in clothes that make me cry. Maya’s is old …dusty old, while Sarah’s makes her look like she dragged a black tablecloth out of Outback with her when she left.

UH OH clockwise

Leslie Jones shopped at the Men’s Wearhouse Liberace section.

Michelle Dockery thought she could pull off ballerina, but she should have pulled it off and made a different choice.

Millie Bobby Brown looks like she’s wearing an inexpensive pillow case balloon.

Tiffany Haddish heard that color would be big at the Emmy’s, so she went with every single color.

WTF 

Jennifer Lewis. I get that she’s making a pro-Colin Kaepernick statement, but it still looks like she barely tried.

WORST

Louise Roe and Taraji P. Henson. I don’t know who Roe is, and I don’t care; I simply think she should be sent to Fashion Jail for that mess because jail is the only place that dress works. As for Taraji …if you ripped off that hideous train, you’d have a hot mini; as it stands, it looks like she bought a mini-dress, and someone hooked a ballgown in the same fabric to her back.

THE VERY WORST

Elisabeth Moss. She clearly didn’t even try, so I won’t eit—

THE MEN

BEST

Luke Evans and Sterling K. Brown …my Husbands In My Head … yes, again! Luke is openly gay and openly hot in a mother%king plaid tuxedo, and Sterling just smolders ……...

CLASSIC MEN clockwise

Milo Ventimiglia, Lakeith Stanfield, Trevor Noah, Matt Smith, John Legend and Edgar Ramirez. Milo and Lakeith rocked the white dinner jacket, while Trevor, Matt, John and Edgar kept it tasteful in blues. Sometimes all you need is a nice tuxedo and a smile to woo me.

FASHION MEN

Darren Criss, RuPaul and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Darren won an Emmy last night and his suit won my attention …edgy and cool. Ru went bold in white with a big pattern and some orange shoes because Ru can pull that off. Nikolaj, in brown velvet …hot coat, hotter man.

COUPLE MEN

Jwan Yosef and Ricky Martin. Just steamy and sexy and hot and Swedish and Latino; what more can I ask for?

WTF MEN clockwise

Tituss Burgess. None of it works; the tie, the jacket, the drapery pants and the Lost in Space boots. None of it.

Deon Cole. It’s all too much; the jacket and some black pants might have worked; the pants and a black jacket might have been better. This is a Couch Tuxedo.

Jonathan Van Ness, from Queer Eye, is just too Look at Me! And try hard.

Tracy Morgan appears to have completed his transition from man to full-fledged carton character.