Oscar Fashion ... From Teyana to Timothée

Okay, so here are my thoughts ... my thoughts ... on the Hots and Nots and Just Plain Awfuls at the Oscars.

What did you think?

VERY BEST

Teyana Taylor is what looked like fur but turned out to be feathers or fringe. No one else looked quite as regal or edgy or fun.

BEST  

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Ava DuVernay took wing in this glamourous gown in midnight blue. Those shoulder wings looked like she was about to take flight.

Nicole Kidman in pale pink feathers and jewels looked the very essence of Pretty in Pink. The feathered peplum and the feathered fringe fluttered as she walked, or glided, down the

Wunmi Mosaku was nine months pregnant at the Oscars and she glowed in this green jeweled dress; pure elegance.

Rose Byrne brought the class to the carpet in this simple flowered gown with minimal jewelry and a simple hair style; as any Oscar nominee should.

GOOD 

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Amy Madigan looked fun and playful in this fringed jacket and she had every right; her last Oscar nomination was forty years ago!

Audry Nuna looked regal in this gold-plated, full skirted dress; she played almost evil looking and rocked it.

Emma Stone always looks really good, if not sometimes very simple; this is a classy, elegant look without all the bells and whistles of some other women.

Kathy Bates proved you can be a woman of a certain age and look utterly gorgeous; from the hair to the neckline to the jeweled bodice and the full skirt she was a queen.

Renate Reinsve is Simply Red; at first I was annoyed because I was getting red sheet wrapped around the body, but the more I saw it, I loved the simplicity in the sea of ball gowns and feathers and sequins.

Jessie Buckley floated down the carpet and up the stairs to collect her Oscar; I loved the red banded top and the flowing pink skirt.

Demi Moore is the yin to Nicole’s yang; I loved the feathers but hated the feathers nearly covered her recently constructed 2026 face.

Chase Infiniti is someone I don’t know but I love the lilac ruffles falling from her side. I like her hair, but maybe something different for this dress.

MEH 

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Anne Hathaway looks like she was pulling a Rose Byrne dress but on sale; too many flowers cheap and the look and the black gloves? Seriously.

Bella Thorne was giving 60’s Ann-Margaret—Google her kids—but the gown looked old on her; she should have gone more youthful and fun.

GOOP in a stiff column dress to match her stiff face; I have never seen a more dour look at the Oscars, especially in white.

Melissa McCarthy has been looking fabulous lately and this sequined number did the trick; but then why wear a long-sleeved black T underneath it?

Priyanka Chopra-Jonas is a mess; the bodice seemed ill-fitting and kind of lumpy and the skirt looks like it belongs to another dress. But the black shoes? Oh Hell No.

Ginnifer Goodwin gives me grieving widow in the dress combined with Let’s ride the slide childishness of the hair. Mismatch.

Felicity Jones got swallowed up in this yellow mess; it gives her now shape and there seemed to be far too many embellishments and  flounces and ruffles.

Ejae is someone I don’t know and I liked this dress at first, but when I saw this picture the sash around her waist made it appear as if she was wearing a white knee-length slip underneath it and now I cannot unsee it.

BAD 

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Barbie Ferreira in a ball gown. A.Ball.Gown. I thought they were over, especially in that 80s blue, and yet what made it even worse was, as she posed on the carpet she kept bending over to display The Girls. Nope, we don’t do that here.

Elle Fanning in a ball gown too, though she always wears the Cinderella fantasy look and it’s getting old and so is Elle, Bring some edge, girl  before you’re the seventy-year-old actress in Disney Princess drag.

Sigourney Weaver should take notes from Kathy Bates; women of a certain age don’t need to be completely covered up in sequined sofa fabrics unless she’s making a play for JD Vance?

Kristin Wiig is either way too avant-garde or way too simple, or way too drab. Drab won this year with a tank top and a floor-length hostess skirt.

WTF... Pick Your Worst 

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Auli’i Cravalho looks like her breasts are cannons and she’s ready to go to Iran and fight; plus the skirt seems extra full in the front.

Chloe Zhao is the Angel of Doom; how else do you explain this mess.

Isabel Zuaa took last year’s trend of having shoulder straps slightly above the shoulders and raised it by about a foot; it’s like she’s the Incredible Shrinking woman in the dress.

Odessa A'zion does her own styling; ‘nuff said about that. I will give her props for having a voice but maybe she shouldn’t always listen to it.

Misty Copeland is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and yet this dress with the over-sized almost Talking Heads looking black bolero jacket with ruffles is senseless. Maybe, as a retired ballet dancer she missed the tutu?

MEN

VERY BEST

Michael B. Jordan could show up in sweats and ratty t-shirt still look fabulous but he chose this sleek and modern take on a tuxedo that closed at the neck. I love the buttons and the chain detail and  I could eat him with a spoon.

VERY GOOD 

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Shaboozy; I just wanna sit next to him and watch him smile. And smile he did in this modern take of an older tuxedo look. The white tie and the hint of white in the shoe and the jewelry sealed the deal!

Jeremy Pope chose the modern white double-breasted tuxedo jacket with a black shirt coiled around his neck; he looked just p[lain cool and hot.

Ryan Coogler chose a simple black tuxedo with a white bow tie and the perfect sleek pocket square. He looked regal and handsome.

Adrien Brody; I have always crushed on Adrien Brody and he served it up at the Oscars in this all-black tuxedo with a jeweled pocket square of his own; tall and dreamy.

GOOD 

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Chase Stokes looked luscious in a velvet jacket with no tie and sleek black pants. Grrrrrr.

Lewis Pullman kinda went safe in a simple man’s suit and tie but he pulled it off; effortless.

Miles Caton played the color drenched card and wore the same color from head to toe; it was elegant and classy.

Pedro Pascale was hot without the weather in this crisp white shirt with ruffled sleeves and a floral detail above the pocket. Few men could this off but Pedro isn’t like other men, he’s got edge.

Joe Alwyn looked simple and elegant in a black tuxedo but the tie was a nice choice; not a bow-tie or a necktie but a simple blousy tie.

Kieran Culkin is classic yet modern in a burgundy jacket over black shirt and tie and pants; like many of the men, he bejeweled the lapel for some pizzazz.

MEH 

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Damson Idris looks good, and hot and new, but the jacket just seems too long and too heavy for a hot night; he gets props, though, for designing his own jewelry and lapel pin.

Felix Kammerer is a little too casual for the Oscars. I like the color but the rolled-up sleeves are too retro not cool retro.

Paul Mescal; goddess I adore him, but he seems to be wearing an outfit similar to Joe Alwyn’s but it seems ill-fitting and uncomfortable. But Paul gets a pass because he’s Paul.

Wagner Moura was one of the Hot Men at the Oscars but that white buttoned up shirt with no tie looked like he forgot to finish dressing. An all-black look would have been much better.

Jacob Elordi gets points for being a tall drink or water and rocking a porn stache, but his look seems old school, emphasis on the old and I cannot forgive his shoes.

Hudson Mills—one of the stars of Heated Rivalry—looks nice enough though he’s got a smug face and that takes points off, but what really annoyed me was that he was trying to sell the accessories; he held his arm at his waist to show off the watch. This isn’t Home Shopping, Hudson.

WTF 

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Kevin O’Leary—I do not know him—but he looked like a professional wrestler who showed up at the wrong event.

Spike Lee. First off, the look isn’t bad except for the big purse but the way he’s standing looks like he either has to go to the bathroom or just did.

WORST

Timothée Chalamet. Where to begin … his smug little scamp attitude, the all-white milk man look that screams Garanimals For Tiny Actors; the stance; the sunglasses. It all makes it clear that Timothée thinks he’s It but he’s not.

Oscarvations

Well another year and another Oscarvations. And while I haven’t seen a lot of the films, I’ve seen some, and I am mostly here for the spectacle and drama and surprise and humor … and the Hot Men so let’s dig in …

My first thought was Conan O’Brien, seriously? I mean, he’s funny enough, but there’s no edge; he mostly Dad jokes and some self-deprecating humor. Now, that isn’t to say he didn’t get some good ones in and those I will share throughout this post like …

“F1 did so well they’re thinking of doing a sequel called Caps Lock.”

But let’s start with the montage. Every host since the Days of Crystal, Billy Crystal, thinks they should do an opening montage where they insert themselves into the nominated films. You can’t; you’re not Crystal. And I will say Conan’s was about the worst … he had himself made up to look like Amy Madigan’s character in Weapons and I don’t think I was the only one who didn’t know that. Then he ran around all the Oscar films being chased by children until he was chased through the theater and then magically appeared onstage. Too much time, zero payoff, though he managed to get two good lines in, saying to his makeup artist:

“I think you used too much white.”

“Nope, that’s just you.”

“But I look like Bette Davis with Lupus.”

And then onstage he did a whole “thing” about him winning an Oscar, with The Pope blessing him and him blessing the Pope, and a hawk delivering his Oscar while Josh Groban sang. It could have been cut and we would have shaved 5 minutes off the show.

“I’m the last human host of the Academy Awards.”

Luckily, Zoe Saldaña appeared to present the SUPPORTING ACTRESS to Amy Madigan for Weapons … she was  last nominated 40 years ago for Twice in a Lifetime and was overjoyed to win again. She thanked her husband of forty-three years, Ed Harris, extra HOT MAN for being 75-years-old … just sayin’.

Will Arnett and Channing present the Animated film awards and all I can think is ‘What happened to Channing’  … sweaty and bald … what happened? The BEST ANIMATED FEATURE goes to KPop Demon Hunters while the BEST ANIMATED SHORT goes to The Girl Who Cried Pearls

“Last year when I hosted Los Angeles was on fire. This year everything’s great!”

Then came a live version of the juke joint scene from Sinners, which I loved that was followed by scenes from Marty Supreme AKA The Ping Pong Movie and the appearance in the orchestra pit of The Timothy Chalamet Bum Drum. I kind of wish they had really paddled that smug little actor instead of the fake butt.

“Sinners director Ryan Coogler says he declined becoming a voting member of the Academy because he doesn’t like judging his peers. But the rest of you pricks are fine with that.”

Anne Hathaway … speaking of smug appears with Anna Wintour in a riff on The Devil Wears Prada II … coming soon to a theater near you … to present BEST COSTUME DESIGN … Anne asks Anna what she thinks of her look and Anna says, “The nominees are …” … snap … and the Oscar goes to Frankenstein  designer Kate Hawley who begged the question, why do some costume designers walk on stage in what looks like a wrinkled black sheet over a wrinkled white sheet? I don’t get it, but anyway … when Anne and Anna present BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP Anne asks Anna to read the nominees and Wintour says, “Thank you Emily.”—Hathaway’s character in Prada and I don’t think Anna was acting .. to Frankenstein … Mike Hill, Jordan Samuel, and Cliona Furey.

Next up is the ‘New’ Oscar category for ACHIEVEMENT IN CASTING and HOT MAN Paul Mescal appears with GOOP … didn’t she promise us she’d given up acting … and Chase Infiniti and HOT MAN Wagner Moura and Delroy Lindo present the Oscar to Cassandra Kulukundis for One Battle After Another

Conan appears with a leaf blower …. Why … and then introduces Matt Barry, the announcer for the show, who is doing his job from London … again why?

“Security is tight. I’m told there are threats from both the opera and ballet communities.”

Kamail Nanjiani presents BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM but first goes on a riff … “Many full-length movies would work just as well if not better as short films …instead of It’s a Wonderful Life how about It’s a Wonderful Month … West Side Anecdote … The King’s Tweet … Some of That Jazz …call Me By Your Nickname …No County for Old Man … One Battle … that’s it, you get one … Schindler’s Post-It”

He opens the envelope and … “It’s a tie. I’m not joking … so every calm down” … the first film is The Singers and Sam A. David [left] … and how hot is this kid and why is he making movies and not starring in them … and Jack Piat. The second winner is Two People Exchanging Saliva and Alexandre Singh and Natalie Musteata …

“I was in a  movie with Rose Byrne. It’s hard to act in a scene with someone you have an enormous crush on but did an admirable job.”

Kieran Culkin presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … to Sean Penn for One Battle After Another … Penn is a no show …  and Delroy Lindo looked none to be pleased at Penn’s win.

Conan does a bit about making movies that continually have to remind the viewer what the film is about because our attention spans have disappeared. 

He and HOT MAN Sterling K. Brown offer an updated version of Casablanca which takes place during WWII … “the one with Hitler.” Sterling was the best part of that bit.

Robert Downey Jr and HOT MAN Chris Evans present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another … who gives a lovely speech about family … he’s married to Maya Rudolph … 

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Ryan Coogler for Sinners and the crowd goes wild … who also gives a lovely speech about his cast and his family, wife and children with a long camera shot on HOT MAN Michael B. Jordan.

“An alternate Oscars is being hosted by Kid Rock. It’s just down the street at Dave and Buster’s”

In Memoriam … Billy Crystal talks of Rob Reiner … This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally … and then Misery and A Few Good Men and how Rob and Michelle became the driving force for marriage equality in America … “Buddy, what fun we had storming the castle.”

During the In Memoriam Rachel McAdams paid a touching tribute to the late Diane Keaton with whom she co-starred in The Family Stone, honoring her as a "legend with no end" and "a woman who wore so many hats." Literally. And then Barbra Streisand talked about the late Robert Redford then sang a snippet of The Way We Were

Conan then offers up the Academy’s plan to reach younger viewers:

When you’re hosting the Oscars and lokenuinely trying to rizz up the young demographic by going brain-rot modem and even though you’re uncoded with a bunch of famepilled NPCS you’re still S-Tier level aura farming. Six-Seven.

“Yes, that’s a message young people will see watching broadcast television.”

And old people like me will see and say, What the ….

Sigourney Weaver and HOT MAN Pedro Pascal … Sigourney talks aliens and the downright adorable Grogu AKA Baby Yoda, sitting in the audience with Kate Hudson; Sigourney shrieks her famous line from Alien:

“Get away from him you bitch.”

And presents the Oscar for ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN to Frankenstein’s Tamara Deverell and Shane Vieau and then ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS to Avatar: Fire & Ice … Joe Letteri, Richard Baneham, Eric Saindon & Daniel Barrett

Now Jimmy Kimmel appears:

“Conan went outside and inadvertently exposed his face to the sun and was incinerated so I will be finishing out the rest of the program.”

Would that it was true because he goes one …

“You know there are some countries whose leaders don’t support free speech though I am not at liberty to say which. Let’s just leave it at North Korea and CBS. Fortunately for us there is an international community of filmmakers  dedicated to telling the truth, oftentimes at great risk. There are films that teach us, that call out injustice, inspire us to take action, and there are also documentaries where you walk around the White House trying on shoes.”

He presents the Oscar for BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT to All the Empty Rooms’ Joshua Seftel & Conall Jones and then presents BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … “Oh man is he gonna be mad his wife wasn’t nominated” … to Mr. Nobody Against Putin’s David Borenstein, Pavel Talankin, Helle Faber & Alžběta Karásková. Borenstein makes the night when he says:

“Mr. Nobody Against Putin is about how you lose your country and what we saw when working with this footage is that you lose it through countless small … acts of complicity. We act complicit when the government murders people on the streets of our major cities when we don’t say anything, When oligarchs take over the media and control how we can produce it and consume it. We all face a moral dilemma but luckily even a nobody is more powerful than you think.”

I needed a bit more of that. And Kimmel.

“Fun fact, Brad Pitt and I are the same age. I was told this by my wife with tears streaming down her face.”

Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne and Ellie Kemper celebrate the 15^th anniversary of Bridesmaids and each read notes from members of the audience  … Rose Byrne’s is from Leonardo DiCaprio asking her to stop looking at him because it makes him nervous and Rose admits to starting because she  thought he was someone else … snap …and then present BEST SCORE to Sinners’ Ludwig Goransson, quite the hottie and then ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND to F1 and Gareth John, Al Nelson, Gwendolyn Yates Whittle, Gary Rizzo & Juan Peralta.

“Hamnet and Bugonia sound like off-brand lunchmeat.”

The President of the Academy speaks … pee break … and then Bill Pullman and Lewis Pullman present ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING to One Battle After Another and Andy Jurgensen.

Demi Moore presents ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY to SINNERS Autumn Durald Arkapaw … and the crowd goes wild … she’s the first woman to ever win this award. She asks all the women to stand up because “I don’t get here without you.”

Benicio del Toro and Priyanka Chopra Jonas present BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM to Sentimental Value  Norway which was also nominated for Best Picture?

Lionel Richie—was Barry Manilow not available—presents BEST ORIGINAL SONG to “Golden” from KPop Demon Hunters ... a song that makes me want to drive my car off the road when  I hear it.

Zendaya and HOT MAN Robert Pattinson, looking sleek and British and bored present ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING to Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another

Adrian Brody, last year’s Best Actor presents LEAD ACTOR to HOTTEST MAN Michael B. Jordan for  Sinners …and again the crowd goes wild …  and wild … 

“Mama what’s up? … I stand here because of the people who came before me … Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Jamie Foxx, Forest Whitaker … thank you everybody in this room that had something to do with my success.”

Mikey Madison, last year's Best Actress presents LEAD ACTRESS to Jessie Buckley for Hamnet whom I could listen to for hours with her lovely Irish accent  … 

“Thank you to the incredible women that I stand beside, I am inspired by your art and your heart and I wanna work with every single one of you and to my parents for teaching us to dream and carve from your own passion. It’s Mother’s Day in the UK today and I dedicate this to the beautiful chaos of a mother’s heart.”

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman give us a little Moulin Rouge duet and then present BEST PITCURE to One Battle After Another Adam Somner, Sara Murphy & Paul Thomas Anderson. But what was up with Teyana Taylor who grabbed Paul Thomas Anderson all the way to the stage and then grabbed one grab one of the Oscars for herself and held onto it like she won? Where was the person who actually won that award?

So, there you have it., good bits, bad bits, funny, bits and a lot of HOT MEN like ...

What did you think?

Oscarvations

Well, here we are again … the 97^th Academy Awards and me, writing my 97^th post about show; okay, so it feels like I’ve been blogging for 97b years! It was a good show, not a great show, and had some fun and funny  moments and some STFU moments, and good fashion and bad fashion, so let’s rip …

The show opened with what I thought was going to be about the recent fires in LA and rebuilding the city but then we had Ariana Grande, in ruby slippers no less, onstage singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz quite beautifully, followed by Cynthia Erivo giving her gorgeous rendition of ‘Home’ from The Wiz. Then the two united and sang ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked; beautifully done, though of course this queen loved anything Oz-ish.

Conan O’Brien was host and we see a stage hand knocking on his dressing room but he’s not inside. Instead it’s Demi Moore from The Substance giving herself the shot and then collapsing on the floor. Her back rips open and out crawls … Conan, ready to host except … he lost a show. So he dips back into Demi, literally, and retrieves the footwear before heading to the stage  to a voiceover …

Please welcome to the stage, a four-time Oscar … viewer!

And Conan hit the stage …

Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah, awkward. I’m missing some car keys.

Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, starting at four in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch — I don’t understand it.

O’Brien did an extended bit with Adam Sandler, wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts in the audience, which I thought was going to evolve into a Zelenskyy bit about his lack of wearing a suit to meet The Felon; that was a missed opportunity, I thought. But hey, they can’t all be gems, so let’s dig into the show, with some of Cona’s bits sprinkled throughout.

Robert Downey Jr. presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR  … Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. He reminded his wife of a promise she made:

'About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award she would give me the kid. Turns out she said that because she didn't think I was gonna win. Later, she goes, "Oh god, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid." And I turned to her and I said, "Really, I want four,"' and she said  I will give you four when you win an Oscar.'

Andrew Garfield is out to present with Goldie Hawn and some uneasy banter ensues about her career and how loved she is only making her appear old, which she is; they present … BEST ANIMATED FILM … Flow … and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM … In the Shadow of Cypress.

Little fact for you: ‘Anora’ uses the F-word 479 times. That’s three more than the record set by Karla Sofía Gascón’s publicist.

O’Brien then pitched his voice up to imitate Gascón’s reps:

You tweeted WHAT?!

The camera cut to Gascón, who seemed to be in on the joke, making prayer hands.

Karla, if you’re going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Lily Rose Depp, Elle Fanning, John Lithgow, Connie Nielsen and Bowen Yang all present … OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN … with Bowen wearing his Wicked costume to … Wicked … and to Paul Tazewell—HOT MAN ALERT—the first Black man to ever with the award.

Amy Poehler is up and, as usual, every time I see her on an awards show stage, my first thought is, ‘Where’s Tina Fey?’ … she says she’s ‘honored to be here to present the two most important awards, Most Athletic and Best Hair but first BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … ‘I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, ‘writing is a bitch’’ … Sean Baker for Anora … then BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Peter Straughan for Conclave

If you haven’t seen ‘Conclave,’ its tagline is: A movie about the Catholic Church, but don’t worry.

Chalamet will not get hit on his bike ride home tonight in that suit

No Smart phones were allowed on the set of Dune. The director didn’t want them Googling what the film was about.

June Squib and Scarlett Johansson are out to present … June says she got a little makeup done and is actually being played by Nosferatu’s Bill Skarsgård … ‘Half the time you see me in public, it’s Bill Skarsgård. The Real June Squib is at home with a book.’ … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP … The Substance

Note to Garfield and Hawn: that’s awards show banter.

Another movie nominated for best picture is ‘I’m Still Here.’ Incredible film. It’s about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year.

Amazon has taken over creative control of the 007 franchise. They just announced the next James Bond. It’s Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky! Ladies love him!

Halle Berry looking stunning in Siriano … pays tribute to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and their Bond franchise that they no longer control with singer Lisa singing ‘Live and Let Die’ … Doja Cat giving us ‘Diamonds are Forever’ while literally dripping in gems and Raye singing ‘Skyfall’ and making me long for Adele. Raye’s good, but, c’mon, Adele.

Conan shows off his new film viewing service, Cinemastream … a movie theater screen made up entirely of cell phones for people who don’t go to the movies but watch them on a 3’ by 5” screen.

Timothée Chalamet is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly.

Daryl Hannah is out to present but first says Slava Ukraini, the battle cry of the Ukrainian military in one of the very few political references last night … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Anora and Sean Baker again!

Da'Vine Joy Randolph … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS …  Zoe Saldaña … Emilia Pérez … My fellow nominees, the love and community you showed me, I will pay it forward. Zoe thanks her husband—HOT MAN ALERT—Marco Perego-Saldaña before saying she is the American of Dominican origin to win that award.

Ben Stiller, whom I do not find funny at all, won me over a bit last night after the stage got stuck lifting him up to present so he had to hop up and down before finally crawling out … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Wicked

Mick Jagger … all 81-spry-years of him … stayed tuned later this week for a Tale of Carlos about Mick …is out to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG … I wasn’t the first choice to present this award the producers wanted Bob Dylan but he refused saying the best songs were in A Complete Unknown and he suggested they find somebody younger … so here I am … to—HOT MAN ALERT—Clement Ducol—Camille, and Jaques Audiard for ‘El Mal,’  Emilia Pérez

I really liked Babygirl … in which Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn’t know how to give his wife an orgasm. He described it as the most challenging role of his career.”

A complete unknown and a real Nosferatu; just some of the names I was called on the red carpet tonight.

Selena Gomez and Samuel L. Jackson … BEST DOCUMENTARY  SHORT FILM … The Only Girl in the Orchestra … Molly O’Brien and Lisa Remington … and BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … No Other Land … Basel Adra, Rachel Szor, Hamdan  Ballal, Yuval Abraham

Next up was a Salute to LA Firefighters … after the longest ovation of the night, deservedly so, Conan asks three of them to tell a joke even he wouldn’t say:

Our hearts go out to those who lost their homes and I’m talking about the producers of Joker 2.

To play Bob Dylan Timothee Chalamet had to learn to sing, in fact his signing was so good he almost lost the part.

It’s great to be back with Conan. Usually when he calls he’s stuck in a tree

Miles Teller and Miley Cyrus … two  of my least favorites who seem to think everyone loves them … got news for you, they don’t … BEST SOUND … Dune Pt 2 … Gareth John, Richard King, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill

At the first Oscars Emil Janning won for The Way of the Flesh and two years later he won for the sequel, The Way of the Flesh 2: Electric Flesh-aloo.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is so prestigious and it’s also a sidewalk.

We’re at the halfway point of the show so it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.

Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot … BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Dune Pt 2 … Paul Lambert, Stephen, Rhys Salcombe, Gred Nefzer … followed by Ana de Armas and—HOT MAN ALERT—Sterling K BROWN … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … I’m Not A Robot … Victoria Warmerdam and Trent.

Morgan Freeman is out to pay tribute to recently deceased Gene Hackman and then we get The Death Crawl In Memoriam … with a choir … I haven’t heard tell of who got left out of the tribute … yet.

Joe Alwynn—HOT MAN ALERT—Alba Rohrwacher, Zoe Saldaña, Dave Bautista and Willem Dafoe present OUTSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Brutalist, Lol Crawley

I loved ‘The Brutalist,’ I really did. I didn’t want it to end, and luckily, it didn’t.

MARK Hamill … looking rode and put away wet … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … The Brutalist Daniel Blumberg

Oprah Winfrey … goddess why is she here … and Whoopi Goldberg salute the career of Quincy Jones before Queen Latifah … why … performs  Ease on Down The Road why … in some sort of Tin Man madness.

If your speech goes on too long we cut to John Lithgow looking slightly disappointed …or show one of your old had shots … Chalamet in the womb .

Penelope Cruz presents BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM …  I’m Still Here … Brazil

If you’re still enjoying the show you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.

Cillian Murphy … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE … Adrien Brody—whom I find very hot—The Brutalist … spoke of gratitude and respect and getting along and divisive times and uniting and working together and acting and his parent … in what would have been a good speech if it wasn’t so long that the orchestra attempted to play him off … twice!

Quentin Tarantino … loathsome … full of himself ….obnoxious …. BEST DIRECTOR … Sean Baker, Anora … again … who pleads for people to go to the movies and enjoy film on a big screen

Emma Stone … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE … Mikey Madison, Anora … I had expected Demi Moore to win since she’d won so many awards this year for The Substance …but Mikey read a nice handwritten looooong speech or her college thesis

Anora’s doing well tonight. It picked up two awards, I guess we’re happy to finally see someone stand up to a Russian.

Meg Ryan, finally settling into her new face, and Billy Crystal, the greatest Oscars host ever … I used to work here … … BEST PICTURE … Anora, Sean Baker—his fourth Oscar of the night, Samantha Quan and Alex Coco … who pleaded for more independent films to be made.

And … it was an okay show, no real drama, some funny bits, no surprise except for Demi Moore losing … all in all, I’d give it a Meh+ … goodnight!