I Didn't Say It ....

Michelle Wolf, comedian, clapping back at ______ who applauded the fact that, after her stint as host of the White House Correspondents Dinner, they will no longer use comedians:

“I bet you’d be on my side if I had killed a journalist.”

Snap.

photo

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, also clapping back at _____ who referred to a judge who ruled against his policy limiting asylum for certain immigrants as an “Obama judge”:

“We do not have Obama judges or Trump judges, Bush judges or Clinton judges. What we have is an extraordinary group of dedicated judges doing their level best to do equal right to those appearing before them. That independent judiciary is something we should all be thankful for.”

Sounds like one conservative judge _____ can’t buy.

photo

Shepard Smith, on _____’s refusal to accept the CIA’s conclusion that Saudi Arabia, and their prince, were behind the murder of Jamal Khashoggi:

“The president said that maybe the Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, knew about the murder, or maybe he didn’t, yet the CIA has concluded not only that he knew, but that he ordered the brutal killing. Lawmakers are putting pressure on the White House to punish the Saudis, both Republicans and Democrats. And U.S. allies are doing the same. So the president may not have the last say. We’re waiting for the full report from the CIA. But today, the president got ahead of his intelligence agencies, in essence, it doesn’t matter what intel says, we are standing with the Saudi kingdom.”

He likes Kim Jong Un because Un said he’d dismantle the nuclear program.

He likes Putin because Putin said he didn’t interfere in our elections.

He likes the Saudi’s who said they didn't kill anyone.

That’s who ______ likes.

Despots, crooks and murderers; they’re his people.

photo

_____, sounding buffoonish while offering his wisdom on how to prevent forest fires:

"You gotta take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forest, very important ... I was with the President of Finland ... he called it a forest nation and they spent a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things and they don't have any problem."

Damn you California! You should’a been raking the forests all this time.

photo

S.E. Cupp, on CNN, about _____ and the Blue Wave:

“Life is about to get pretty rough for the president. For one, governing is hard work and it’s about to get harder without Republicans controlling all the levers. His three-hour workday is about to go bye-bye. There’s also the deluge of investigations, subpoenas and hearings coming his way. With Democrats retaking the House the next two years will be the equivalent of a rectal exam for _____. And at this point, there’s little he can do about it.”

Um, you wanna give _____ a rectal exam, you’ll have to move Lindsey Graham’s lips and _____’s own head.

photo

Liz Crokin, Townhall columnist, on why the fires rage in Malibu … and it’s rich:

“This man [actor Rainn Wilson], I started doing some research on him. Guess what? He’s involved with a charity in Haiti. Any celebrity that is involved with ‘work’ in Haiti, you had better believe they’re involved in child sex trafficking, okay? So the guy who openly talks about cannibalism, eating babies, and raping babies and who just happens to be involved in a charity that allegedly helps kids in Haiti; now Rainn, ironically—not ironically—guess what? His house is one of the houses that was burned down the other day. Guess what? A lot of people who are up to their eyeballs in child sex trafficking have had their homes burn down. Burning evidence much? I don’t think it’s a coincidence. The more people they kill, the better because it’s more sacrifice to Moloch.”

She offers no explanation for the fires in Northern California … because she’s a lunatic.

photo

William McRaven, retired Admiral who oversaw the operation that killed Osama bin Laden, standing by his assertion that _____’s attacks on the news media represent "the greatest threat to democracy" after _____ dismissed him as a "Hillary Clinton backer":

"I did not back Hillary Clinton or anyone else. I am a fan of President Obama and President George W. Bush, both of whom I worked for. I admire all presidents, regardless of their political party, who uphold the dignity of the office and who use that office to bring the nation together in challenging times. I stand by my comment that the President's attack on the media is the greatest threat to our democracy in my lifetime. When you undermine the people's right to a free press and freedom of speech and expression, then you threaten the Constitution and all for which it stands."

Hmmm, whom to believe …the war hero, the man who captured bin Laden, or the draft-dodging chickenshit who whimpered about sore feet?

photo

I Didn't Say It ...

Jodie Foster, on how women are questioning past behaviors in the wake of #MeToo and how having an industry-savvy mother may have protected her from Hollywood’s abusers:

“I don’t think there is a woman I know, who doesn’t look back on when they were 15, 16, 17 or 18, who doesn’t put their hand on their head and say: ‘Why did I do that? Why was I like that? Why wasn’t I confident? Why didn’t I say no?’ …. The weird cauldron that made me ­– working from the time I was three years old, supporting my family by the time that I was seven, super-strong mom, over-confident personality, celebrity young enough that I learned to be stand-offish … I think there’s a whole bunch of reasons why I didn’t have the same path as someone who came to Hollywood at 22 with two cents in her pocket and just wanted more than anything else to be an actor; it’s just a different life.”

Woman are learning that they have the power. The power of ‘No’.

photo

Michelle Wolf, on _____’s Supreme Court nomination and the presumed attack on Roe V Wade from a group of Pro-Life hypocrites:

“It’s so ironic that Trump could be the guy that ends legal abortion. That dude has been responsible for more abortions than the invention of back alleys … We were originally gonna use coat hangers. And before that, stairs.”

Women, and men, need to fight this every which way we can.

photo

Kimberly Guilfoyle, Fox News host and Junior’s current mistress, on outspoken liberals:

“Who are these jokers? You see them on television, and they have a blog, and everyone thinks they’re a journalist, and they’re a joke. They’re provocateurs. They have no substance and no meat, let alone any intellect. It’s unbelievable in this day and age anyone calls themselves a journalist because they can post something on the Internet. I just take issue with people who are complete liars and smear merchants and say things that are not true, and they know that they’re not true, and some of these people need to get a beatdown, and I’m happy to give it to them.”

Wow; so this woman, stupid enough to break up with Gavin Newsom and take up with that oil slick of a piece of trash, thinks people who disagree with her, people who stand up for themselves, deserve a “beat down.”

Sit in a corner until your next trick comes along.

photo

Bill Maher, on, ahem, _____’s dick:

“Although honestly, doesn’t everything about this man just scream microdick? The bragging, and the buildings with my name on it! And the debates. He was talking about his dick at the debates! That guy is president. Remember that?”

And let’s not forget that he actually is a dick.

photo

Elizabeth Warren, on _____’s bullying:

"I can handle a bully. But here’s the really creepy part: In the same breath, he mocked the entire #MeToo movement. He mocked women who are bravely coming forward and saying that they’ve been harassed and abused by guys just like Donald _____. [He] isn’t just trying to scare me—he's trying to bully all women and make us all shut up. He still doesn't think guys like him should be held accountable for what they say or do. You know what, Donald? You don't scare us. Women fight back. Women vote, organize marches, knock on doors, make phone calls, run for office – and win. We'll sweep your Republican enablers out of office this November. And that means, all hands on deck. Use the ballot to stop the patriarchal fascist white supremacists who want to loot the economy and rape Mother Earth."

And cast a goddamned vote!

photo

Stephen Colbert, celebrating the news from Thailand that the 12 boys and their soccer coach were rescued from a flooded cave … and taking a jab at _____:

”All 12 Thai boys and their coach have been rescued from the cave that they were trapped in for more than two weeks. That feels good. In fact, it’s a great story that gives everyone hope. And it reminds us of the importance of permission slips for field trips to flooded caves. Everybody loves this story. Are you listening, Mr. President? Freeing children makes people like you!”

Ah, but those aren’t immigrant boys.

_____ hates immigrants, unless he marries one to give her a green card and get her parents into the country.

photo

Sarah Palin, quitter, on being duped into giving an interview to comedian Sacha Baron Cohen for his new program on Showtime:

“Yup — we were duped. Ya’ got me, Sacha. Feel better now? I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick ‘humor’ of the British ‘comedian’ Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime. This ‘legit opportunity’ to honor American Vets and contribute to a ‘legit Showtime historical documentary’ was requested of me via a speakers bureau. Out of respect for what I was led to believe would be a thoughtful discussion with someone who had served in uniform, I sat through a long ‘interview’ full of Hollywoodism’s disrespect and sarcasm—but finally had enough and literally, physically removed my mic and walked out, much to Cohen’s chagrin.”

She’s just mad because, once again, she’s shown the world how stupid she is; this isn’t the first time Palin was duped by the media, but since she’s such a famewhore, she’s now trying to turn it into another ‘Look at me’ moment.

photo

Larry Kramer, saying, for gays, the worst is yet to come:

“We’ve come a certain distance from such a blanket suffocation. But by the time a modicum of acceptance by the outside world starts to arrive, we are visited with a plague. It is a plague of disease, and with our new president it continues to be a plague of hate. There is not one cabinet member who has supportive or welcoming words for us. Every week, it seems, Mr. _____ appoints another judge who is on record as hating us. They will serve for many years. A new Supreme Court will further echo this disdain.”

All the more reason to vote blue, and only blue, for years to come.

photo

I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, telling us we are right to be concerned about this country:

“Do not wait for the perfect message, don’t wait to feel a tingle in your spine because you’re expecting politicians to be so inspiring and poetic and moving that somehow, ‘OK, I’ll get off my couch after all and go spend the 15-20 minutes it takes for me to vote,’ because that’s part of what happened in the last election. I heard that too much.”

You heard it from our last great president.

Cast.A.Goddmaned.Vote!

photo

Jon Stewart, returning to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert , and unleashing on _____’s policies:

“Hello, Donald. It’s me, the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish on Twitter. I know you’re upset about all the criticism you’ve been taking in the ‘fake news’ and the ‘fake late-night shows.’ It’s just we’re all still having a little trouble adjusting to your presidency as it goes into its … 500th year. Everything’s off its axis, it’s a little unusual. Apparently, Putin and Kim Jong Un are noble, intelligent role models, and Canada’s a bunch of giant assholes. That’s hard to get used to. You’re redoing the post-war alliances, but this time we’re with the axis powers. If there’s one hallmark to your presidency that I think we’re finding most difficult, it’s that, no matter what you do, it always comes with an extra layer of gleeful cruelty and dickishness. It’s not just that you don’t want people taking a knee, it’s that they’re sons of bitches if they do. It’s not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault, it’s saying they were too ugly anyway. You can’t just be against the media, they’re ‘enemies of the people.’ Which brings us to immigration. Boy, you f**ked that up. It’s the seminal example of the _____ doctrine … Donald, you could have absolutely made a more stringent border policy that would have made your point about enforcement. But I guess it wouldn’t have felt right without a Dickensian level of villainy. You may be orange, you may like hamburgers, you may be a clown, but you are no Ronald McDonald. [So], let’s negotiate for an end to this gratuitous dickishness, what can we give you? You dig the dictator thing. How about a giant building with gold toilets and your name on it? Clearly, we’re not going to be able to negotiate or shame you into decency, but there is one place where I draw the line: I won’t allow you and your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue. You know, as the great Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘I am the least racist person you’ve ever met. The blacks, they love me.’ Sorry, that was you. [Lincoln actually said] ‘This and only this: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right.’ It was on this point that Lincoln said the Union could not bend. And what _____ wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. And this we cannot do. And I say, by not yielding, we will prevail!”

Word.

We.Will.Prevail.

photo

Darren Criss, on playing gay characters:

“Because that narrative is an interesting narrative. It’s a historically heroic narrative that involves resilient brave people and to be any kind of beacon for that story for any characterization of that element is fucking amazing…Like what a f**king privilege.”

And I imagine the roles are more fabulous!

photo

Ryan Murphy, Glee, American Horror Story, Pose, The Normal Heart, The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story, producer/director, receiving VH1’s Trailblazer Award:

“When I was first starting out in this business in the late 1990s, it was not easy for me. I was told not to follow my instinct, to be someone else. I was told I was too weird, I was too faggy, I was too unusual. My mannerisms and my voice were mocked by executives in note meetings … But honestly, it was very painful to be discriminated against because what I wanted to do with my life, with my career, was very simple. And that was to see myself and my experiences on television. Oprah Winfrey speaks very movingly about watching the Academy Awards and seeing herself and what she could possibly be when Sydney Poitier won an Oscar in 1964. As a gay man I never had that experience. I never saw triumphant, or at the very least, complicated gay people or gay characters on television. Where in the movies as a child or as a teenager, they were always marginalized punchlines at best, beaten for who they were most of the time, killed for who they were. I believe strongly in the power of television because I believe in the following: if you see yourself and some part of your human experiences reflected back at yourself, you will not feel alone. And people with hatred and bias in their hearts can often be converted if a character or situation they’re invested in feels like a friend.”

Say what you will about Ryan Murphy, but he has made a conscious effort to bring LGBTQ people to television and film so we can finally see ourselves.

photo

Collin Martin, a midfielder for Minnesota United, coming out as gay and becoming the only openly gay professional athlete active in any of the five major sports leagues:

“I have been out as a gay man for many years to my family and friends, and this includes my teammates. Today, I’m proud that my entire team and the management of Minnesota United know that I am gay. I have received only kindness and acceptance from everyone in Major League Soccer and that has made my decision to come out publicly much easier. As we celebrate Pride night, I want to thank my teammates for their unconditional support for who I am. In light of my experience as a professional athlete, I want to take this moment to encourage others who play sports professionally or otherwise to have confidence that sport will welcome them wholeheartedly. June is Pride month, and I am proud to be playing for Pride, and to be playing as an out gay man.”

I always say that we are not so proud to be gay, but we are proud to be openly gay, in a world that sometimes wishes we weren’t.

Welcome out, Collin, and please accept, as our gift from HOMO HQ, a copy of the Gay Agenda and The Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™.

Welcome out.

PS He's hot.

photo

Michelle Wolf, White House Correspondents Dinner firebrand, on the civility debate:

“You have to insult them specifically. ‘You’re a c**t’ doesn’t hurt them. It’s on their vision board. If you see Ivanka on the street, first call her Tiffany. This will devastate her. Then, talk to her in terms she will understand. Say, ‘Ivanka, you’re like vaginal mesh. You were supposed to support women, but now you have blood all over you and you’re the center of a thousand lawsuits.’ … You’re like that birth control pill Yaz. At first it seemed like it’d be really cool and helpful, but you need to be immediately recalled.”

I’m liking the idea.

photo

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, explaining Democratic socialism:

“I believe that in a modern, moral and wealthy society, no person in America should be too poor to live. What that means to me is healthcare as a human right; it means that every child, no matter where you are born, should have access to a college or trade-school education, if they so choose it. I think that no person should be homeless if we have public structures or public policy to allow for people to have homes and food and lead a dignified life in the United States.”

Is that so wrong?

photo

It's Funny Cuz It's True ... And Cuz it's Funny

Clearly, Republicans have no sense of humor; clearly, they can dish it out, but they cannot take it. Clearly, they have no sense of humor when it comes from a woman because, well, woman belong under the thumb of the GOP, not speaking, and joking, in public.

Women like Michelle Wolf:

“Good evening. Here we are, the White House correspondents' dinner: Like a porn star says when she's about to have sex with a _____, let's get this over with … I'm going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton; it's not nice. This is on C-SPAN; no one watches that. _____ is president; it's not ideal.”

“And just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So, everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.”

“A lot of you might not know who I am. I'm 32 years old, which is an odd age: 10 years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.”

"It's 2018, and I'm a woman so you cannot shut me up. Unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Reince Priebus."

“Now, people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, “You've been subpoenaed. Thanks to _____, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After _____ got elected, women started knitting those p---y hats. When I first saw them, I was like, “That's a p---y?” I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it.”

“Of course, _____ isn't here, if you haven't noticed … I would drag him here myself. But it turns out the president of the United States is the one p---y you're not allowed to grab.”

“Mr. President, I don’t think you’re very rich. I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York you’re doing fine. _____ is the only person that still watches “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” and thinks, “Me.” Although, I'm not sure you'd get very far. He'd get to, like, the third question and be, like, “I have to phone a 'Fox & Friend.'”

Wolf also played a game … “_____ is so broke” … and the audience responded accordingly … “How broke is he?” …

“He’s so broke, he has to fly failed business class.”

“He’s so broke, he looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.’s hair.”

“He’s so broke, Southwest used him as one of their engines. I know, it’s so soon. It’s so soon for that joke.”

“_____ is racist, though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a ‘white nationalist’ is like calling a pedophile a ‘kid friend,’ or Harvey Weinstein a ‘ladies man,’ which isn’t really fair – he also likes plants.”

“A lot of people want _____p to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think _____ is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay. Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, “Mmm.” Mike Pence is also very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which, first of all, don't knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, you got to get that baby out of there. And, yes, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very antiabortion. You know, unless it's the one you got for your secret mistress. It's fun how values can waiver. But good for you.”

“I had a lot of jokes about Cabinet members, but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.”

 “Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight, he had a prior engagement. He’s finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel. Paul Ryan couldn't make it. Of course, he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his balls.”

"We should definitely talk about the women in the _____ administration. There's Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does: Conway. It's like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small Tits. [But] you guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It's like that old saying: If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I'm not suggesting she gets hurt; just stuck. Stuck under a tree.”

“Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt's definition of porn. Yeah, we all have our kinks.”

“There's also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She's done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess, like father, like daughter … She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She's the Diaper Genie of the administration. On the outside, she looks sleek but the inside — it's still full of shit.”

Then she honed in on Press Secretary Liar to the Media, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, sitting stone-faced, well, melting stone-faced, a few feet away:

"We are graced with Sarah's presence tonight. I have to say I'm a little star struck. I love you as aunt Lydia in 'The Handmaid's Tale.' Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it."

"I actually really like Sarah. I think she's very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Like, maybe she's born with it; maybe it's lies."

"Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're going to get: you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. “It's shirts and skins, and this time, don't be such a little b----, Jim Acosta.”

"I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Sarah Sanders, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know, Aunt Coulter.”

Still, even Democrats weren’t off limits:

"Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile, Nazi Doctor."

“Al Franken was ousted. That one really hurt liberals. But I believe it was great Ted Kennedy who said ‘Wow! That’s crazy! I murdered a woman.’ Chappaquiddick, in theaters now.”

And the media, even the liberal media, wasn’t spared:

“Fox News is here, so you know what that means, ladies. Cover your drinks. People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that; this dinner is for journalists.”

“Megyn Kelly got paid 23 million dollars by NBC, then NBC didn’t let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She’s so white, cold, and expensive, she might as well be the Winter Olympics … And by the way Megyn, Santa’s black. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Bill O’Reilly.”

“The most useful information at CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.”

Then she aimed at print media:

“There's a ton of you guys, but I'm not going to go after print media tonight because it's illegal to attack an endangered species.”

“There's a ton of news right now; a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. But, instead, we're covering like three topics. Every hour, it's _____, Russia, Hillary and a panel of four people who remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving.”

“You guys are obsessed with ­­­­_____. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that _____ has helped all of you. He couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you. He's helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster, and now you're profiting off of him. And if you're gonna profit off of _____, you should at least give him some money because he doesn't have any.”

“_____ is so broke.”

Audience: “How broke is he?”

“He grabs p---ies 'cause he thinks there might be loose change in them.”

“All right, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong, I gotta get the f--- out of here. Good night.”