The Funny Papers

Dennis Goris, RJ Matson, Jack Ohman, Jeffrey Koterba, Ann Telnaes, Mike Luckovich, Garvy Varvel, Darrin Bell, Drew Sheneman, Michael de Addder, Tim Campbell, Nick Anderson, Chris Britt, Gary Huck, Dave Granlund, Clay Bennett

The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Gary Huck, RJ Matson, Ed Wexler, Barry Blitt, Lalo Alcaraz, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Ed Hall, Nick Anderson, David Horsey, Jack Ohman, Drew Sheneman, Ted Littleford, Michael de Adder, Scott Stantis

I Didn't Say It

Trevor Noah, on the Kenosha Murder:

“Nobody drives into a city with guns because they love someone else’s business. That’s some bullshit. No one has ever thought, ‘Oh, it’s my solemn duty to pick up a rifle and protect that TJ Maxx.’ They’re doing it because they’re hoping to shoot someone.”

That kid wanted to shoot people, not help people, and he got his wish.

Now, could I get my wish and see his privileged whiny bitch ass locked up for years?

Asking for a country sick of white people murdering people of color and getting off scot-free.

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Tucker Carlson, Fox News liar, proving again he is a racist by questioning whether Vice President Kamala Harris is really “from” the United States because she went to high school in Canada:

“The one thing we know for sure about Kamala Harris is we should all be very, very grateful to have her because she’s historic for reasons that no one ever explains. But there’s a lot we don’t know about Kamala Harris. Most people probably don’t know she really grew up in Canada, where she went to high school. She’s not from this country in that sense, or she’s certainly also from Canada. Why haven’t we heard that?”

So, if you’re born in this country but go to high school in Canada you are not from America. Well, I forgot one thing, if you’re person of color born in this country but go to high school in Canada you are not from America.

Racist; fuck off.

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Gene Simmons, KISS, on anti-vaxxers:

“If you’re willing to walk among us unvaccinated, you are an enemy. I don’t care about your political beliefs. You are not allowed to infect anybody just because you think you’ve got rights that are delusional, of course. You don’t have the right to go through a red light—actually, the government has the right to tell you to stop. You have to put on a seatbelt. If they tell you [that] you can’t smoke in a building, you can’t smoke in a building. And that’s not because they want to take away your rights, it’s because the rest of us hate it! We don’t want to smell your smoke. I don’t want to catch your disease. I don’t want to risk my life just because you want to go through a red light. This whole idea—this delusional, evil idea that you get to do whatever you want and the rest of the world be damned—is really terrible. We’ve gotta identify those people and bring them out into the open so you know who they are. Know who your friends are by how much they care about you. That includes COVID.”

The first two lines say everything. And I agree, though I would add that anyone who doesn’t get vaccinated and gets COVID and dies, kinda deserve it.

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Chris Christie, former New Jersey Governor, Thing 45 supporter, and flip-flopping hack, saying the insurrection was a result of Thing 45’s lies about the 2020 election:

“I think everything that he was saying from election night forward incited people to that level of anger. I think people minimize what happened on the 6th by pointing to the speech that he gave on the Ellipse on the 6^th. I don’t think [the racist traitors] would’ve gone there if they thought the election had been fair.”

And yet this flip-flopping mass of ignorance says he will vote for Thing 45 if he runs in 2024.

Please join Tucker in the Fuck Off Pile.

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Rupert Murdoch, Fox News boss, saying Thig 45 should stop focusing “on the past” and pushing The Big Lie:

“The current American political debate is profound, whether about education or welfare or economic opportunity. It is crucial that conservatives play an active, forceful role in that debate, but that will not happen if [Thing 45] stays focused on the past. The past is the past, and the country is now in a contest to define the future.”

Hey Ru? Why dontcha talk to your hellhounds on your own station that are also continuing to push The Big Lie. Oh, yeah, they line your pockets with coins so they can say what they want.

There’s space for you between Fucker and Krispy in the Fuck Off Pile.

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Ronna Romney McDaniel, Republican National Committee [RNC] Chairperson, apologizing to RNC members over a new LGBTQ+ outreach program:

“We would never, ever organize or communicate with organizations that undermine our values. You have my word on that. The goal of this new outreach is simply to get more voters to vote Republican in 2022. That’s it. We need to stay united. The mainstream press, Democrats, and organizations that are opposed to the RNC want nothing more than to divide and weaken us. We are thankful for every legal vote and welcome Americans from all backgrounds, communities, and organizations who understand the wisdom in voting for Republicans and the foundational principles that strengthen our nation.”

Ronna Romney McDaniel then issued an email apology to the RNC’s 168 members, assuring them that the GOP has no plans to actually support LGBTQ+ equality and that the initiative was merely a ploy to get LGBTQ voters to vote for Republicans anyway.

In other words, she blatantly lied, and admits to being a liar, because she’s a C U Next Tuesday and a Republican and that’s what they do.

Ronna? Dear? Go sit with the wingnuts. in the Fuck Off Pile. There's room on Christie's lap for a bigot.

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Oh, the ...

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post has spent most of the pandemic peddling the anti-masking conspiracy theories, has informed employees that they are now required to wear a mask while at the office.

Florida’s GQP Governor, Ron DeathSantis, has been pushing Regeneron as a COVID cure but has grown very angry at the media for reminding people that an investor in the company that makes Regeneron has donated millions … millions … of dollars to his campaign.

And then we have former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who, out of the blue, decided to hold a press conference about the pandemic, brought in reporters, set it all up like a real press conference, but instead used the time to say push an air purification  system made by a company he owns is good in the fight against the virus.

They don’t want you wearing masks unless you work for them.

They want you to take the drug they’re pushing from the company paying them.

They want you to purify the air you breath because it fights COVID and then try and sell you a purification system.

_____ Fires U.S. Attorney Who Was Investigating _____

Over the weekend, Preet Bharara, the U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, who had been asked a few days ago to investigate whether or not President _____ was violating the Constitution by receiving payments from foreign countries, was fired by the _____ Administration.

How’s that sit with you?

On Friday, U.S. Attorney General, and perjurer, Jeff Sessions demanded that 46 U.S. attorneys appointed by President Barack Obama submit their resignations. Preet Bharara, right, declined to resign and instead challenged Russian Lapdog and Nesting Doll Sessions to fire him.

And he did; the firing came just a few days after Bharara was asked to investigate _____ and three months after he met with President-elect _____ who asked him to stay on in his post.

So, why fire him?

:::cough...investigation...cough:::

Bharara is known as "one of the nation’s most aggressive and outspoken prosecutors of public corruption and Wall Street crime" whose now-former jurisdiction included Trump Tower; the firing of Bharara comes one week after _____ claimed, without evidence, that President Barack Obama had wiretapped the building. 

Yup, the man tasked with investigating whether or not _____ is violating the Constitution was fire by _____; the man who might have investigated whether or not _____ is a blatant liar about wiretaps is fired by _____.

How’s that sit with you?

Now, Hair Furor will be able to assign whichever U.S. attorney he chooses to oversee the jurisdiction that includes _____ Tower.

And before you think this is all an attack on poor _____, think about the idea that Bharara was investigating _____’s good buddy Rupert Murdoch and now he’s gone; think about the fact that Bharara was investigating a case involving a Russian money laundering scheme and now he’s gone.

He was investigating Russia and Murdoch, two of _____’s closest allies and now he’s gone.

How’s that sit with you?

Resist.

NCRM

It's Snarkurday!

So Donnie Wahlberg may divorce Jenny McCarthy because she’s immature? Um … duh?

It seems Donnie wanted Jenny to be a “traditional” of wife and, at first, she seemed cool with the idea, saying she was tired of being “strong” and “independent”—uh huh, as is strong and independent while Jim Carrey was paying the hills—but now trouble’s a’brewing … and a source — highly doubtful that’s it’s Lohan … this time — says:

 “Their marriage is doomed.  It’s just a matter of time before they split. Donnie expects Jenny to behave like a wife, cooking and taking care of the family instead of relying on outside help. But she resists his alpha male act.”

The source goes on to say that the quirks that initially attracted Donnie to Jenny are now just annoying to him and to make matters worse they have conflicting ideas about how to parent their blended family (he has two sons, she has one), and some say Jenny wants to be that boss. At this point, their reality show — and who knew they had a reality show? — may be the only thing holding them together.

Again, I go back to Donnie expecting Jenny could be an adult and I say, ‘Duh.’

In Icky Couple News … Rupert Murdoch is dating Jerry Hall.

Yup, 84-year-old Murdoch who fired his last wife two years ago, decided not to find a twenty-something to bang, but instead chose 59-year-old Jerry Hall.

Rupert and Hall … RupHall?

There have been longtime rumors that Jay Z once bumped uglies with Rihanna and that’s why Solange came for him in that elevator brawl after the Met Ball a couple of years back.

But now, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay — yes, they shared a publicist and only a publicist … get your minds outta the gutter — says that rumor is about as real as Beyoncé’s hair and singing voice. And bendable pregnancy bump

Hay says he was forced to, ahem, “tell the truth” after being outed as a lair by J. Randy Taraborrelli, author of Becoming Beyoncé, who claims Hay used that story to drum up publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay.” And Hay says he’s already apologized to Beyoncé and given her his first born … a girl called Blue Ivy … or something.

Still, I believe Hay’s story as much as I believe that the pictures on Beyoncé’s Instagram haven’t been photoshopped to within an inch of their lives.

If it ever comes up in your life that you become Tom Cruise’s roommate, just say ‘No.’ That bitch is a bitch about the fridge.

While filming his new movie Mena — in which he plays a drug-running pilot — Tommy shared a home with Doug Liman, the film’s director, and Gary Spinelli, the writer of the piece, with each man taking his own floor of the home and then sharing the kitchen and living room.

But Tommy, who supposedly plays a 500-pound man in the film, isn’t keen on that whole sharing business, and refused to let the other men eat any of his food in the refrigerator. Not the Kale chips, not the tofu, not the souls of small children, and especially not the Tupperware containing Nicole Kidman’s fingernail clippings.

Bitch is a bitch about his food, and there is no sharesies. And do not get him going about not doing your dishes because then there would have been a three hour Xenu lecture with an exam and auditing to follow.

So Halle Berry has failed at marriage … again. Three marriages, three divorces, and one 'un'-marriage with baby Daddy Gabriel Aubry.

Methinks Halle needs The Single Life … Permanently.

But Halle tried to be sly when filing for divorce because she actually used fake names on the papers so the media wouldn’t find out right away. She called herself “Hal Maria” and named soon-to-be-in-a-custody-battle-with-her Olivier Martinez “Oliver Martin.”

And Olivier doesn’t think this was at all kosher, you know, fake names and all, so he instantly filed his own papers using their real names, Olivier Martinez and Halle-Can’t-Stay-Married Berry.

Oh and he also filed himself because he wasn’t legally served — as in a process server gives you the papers — because Halle handed, I giggle, because she probably hurled, them to him.

So, prepare for yet another Halle Berry Messy Break-up with rumors of bad tempers and mean people and poor Halle. But I look at it like this: if you’re the person who’s been married thrice, and been in more than a couple of handfuls of relationships that mostly ended badly, should you be throwing shade?

Last Summer former child star and adult reality show whore, Kim Richards was caught stealing from a Target store in Van Nuys. This came on the heels of a boozy weekend in Mexico, which came on the heels of being dragged out by her Manolo's from the Beverly Hills Hotel for being a belligerent drunk. In between came the news that she was “let go” from RHoBH.

Well, Richards has been sentenced and, as happens in LA when even the most pseudo-of-celebrities get busted, the judge threw the book at her. Well, he threw a pamphlet. He gave her 300 hours of community service, 3 years probation and ordered her to attend 52 AA meetings.

That’s what child stars get for stealing from Target, but even more oddly, this is almost the exact same sentence she got for being a drunken, cop kicking mess at the Beverly Hills Hotel: 30 days of community service, 3 years probation and 52 AA meetings.

Even better, the judge didn’t add her latest sentence to her last sentence, as in 300 hours + 30 days of community service and 104 AA meetings; no, she just has to complete 52 AA meetings and 300 hours of community service.

Unless of course she gets busted again before I finish this sentence in which case she'll probably be sentenced to a spa somewhere.

The upside is that both the Beverly Hills Hotel and that Target in Van Nuys have banned her ass from ever appearing there again.

Okay, I am not a Britney fan and if I ever wanted to see Britney Spears in concert, I’d cut her picture out of an old Star magazine, tape it to a popsicle stick and bounce it in front of my face while playing one of her songs.

I mean, it’d be more lifelike, right? And sing better?

And apparently that’s what more and more people think because no one is rushing to buy tickets to see her You Wanna Piece of Me show in Vegas; Spears has been struggling to sell tickets ever since she debuted and there are tons of open seats most nights.

And Spears blames one Celine Dion, whom, if I ever wanted to see her perform live, I’d have myself committed first because my heart would not go on.

I’m hoping that either Planet Hollywood — the home of the Spears’ “show” — and Caesars Palace — where Celine rules — get together and pit the women in  cage match.

I‘d see that.

The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Bill Day, Mike Lucovich, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Joe Heller, David Horsey