I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I like actress Laura Dern; I do. But does anyone other than actress Laura Dern really think she’s having a thing with Bradley Cooper because she’s the only one talking about it.

It seems that Dern and My-Husband-In-My-Head Bradley Cooper—not to be confused with My-Husband-In-My-Head Anderson Cooper—were spotted having lunch together in June and Dern comes out in late September to say there’s nothing to it, they’re just friends …blah blah blah.

No need to explain, Laura, we already guessed that.

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On the heels of the Miley Cyrus-Liam Hemsworth breakup comes the news that Lindsay Lohan is somehow involved. I mean, only in her own utterly empty head, but still, she is talking about it.

As the lovebirds announced they were finished, Lohan took to Instagram to lament that none of the brothers Hemsworth ever vied for her attention.

Note to Lindsay: men don’t “vie” for your attention; they call your pimp, give over a credit card number, and then send a car for you.

Okurrrrrr?

PS I don’t think a Hemsworth would ever want to wade in the STD pond that is Lindsay Lohan.

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I used to find actor Tom Hiddleston absolutely delicious, but then he hooked up with Taylor Swift and I suddenly realized he was an empty-headed famewhore.

But that’s just me; apparently one woman who paid to see Hiddleston in Broadway’s Betrayal, was so overcome with lust for Hiddleston that she up, well, as Erika Jayne once famously screeched, “patted the puss” right there in the theater.

Twice! And when the show was over this Diddling Donna ALLEGEDLY applauded like a wild woman causing one theatergoer to post about the show:

“The show was really wonderful and the cast first-rate. But you might want to avoid seat B-3.”

Note taken.

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Wendy Williams, who has had one Hell of a year between denying about her husband cheating, admitting her husband was cheating, denying about her husband having a child with his mistress, admitting her husband had a child with his mistress, denying she was divorcing her husband, admitting she was divorcing her husband, denying she was having a substance abuse relapse, admitting she was living in a  sober house because she had a substance abuse relapse, is now pointing out other liars.

Pot.Kettle.Black. And while the chance that all this messiness would cause Williams to lose her show, it was renewed and she’s back, spilling the tea, stirring the pot and tossing the shade … at Christie Brinkley. Williams claims that Christie, who was set to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Has-Beens until she fell and “broke” her wrist in a fall, is faking the whole thing to get her daughter, Sailor Brinkley-Cook, a shot at some publicity:

“Well, that looked fake as hell … Let me tell you what I see. I don’t see a wrist and a shoulder being fractured. But that was real cute. Here’s my thought: Dancing with the Stars called Christie Brinkley … and she said yes. After she got off the phone, that’s when she plotted her schedule. … knowing that she’d put her daughter Sailor in there.”

Wendy? Hon? Why don’t you try telling the truth about yourself, before demanding the same of others? Plus, you know, you made Christie Brinkley cry and sob and weep … over Wendy Williams gossip.

Girl please. You both need to take a seat.

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Back in 2017 Kevin Hart revealed to the world that he was a cheating dirtbag. Now, he didn’t reveal this truth because his conscience was bothering, but because his jump-off apparently had video of Little Kevin and Littler Kevin.

Now his mistress, Montia Sabbag, claimed at the time she had no involvement in the “film”—though a film of Montia doing the nasty with her neighbor wouldn’t sell as much as Montia doing Little Kevin—now she is claiming that Kevin himself is one of the orchestrators of this sex tape scandal.

And so, she’s suing him for $60 million.

And she may have a case because one of Hart’s best friends, one JT Jackson, was arrested for extortion and charged because of this hidden camera sex tape, and Montia thinks Kevin was in on it because he had a tour coming up and the idea of people seeing Montia and Kevin do the deed in grainy video footage would help ticket sales. Seriously.

Even if it still begs the question: who is Montia Sabbag and why would anyone want to watch her have sex with anyone … including Kevin Hart?

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Remember when Jose Canseco claimed in his 2008 autobiography Vindicated that Madonna had ALLEGEDLY wanted him to be her sperm donor?

First off, Jose Canseco? Ick.

Well, now, another dreamboat from Madge’s past is saying he was be her Baby Daddy—in Sperm only—and he is none other than … Dennis Rodman. But while Jose seemed to be in it just because he could nail Madonna, Rodman says Madge offered up significant coins for his junk. Rodman is ALLEGING that Madonna called him up, out of the blue, announced she was ovulating, and said:

“Dennis, you know that I’m ovulating.”

And then he says she sent a private jet to pick him up in Las Vegas, and bring him back to her New York City manse where, before they did the deed, she said if she got pregnant, she’d pay him $20 million.

So, they banged, cleaned up, and he was back on the plane to Vegas. And we all know that Madonna didn’t get pregnant with Rodman’s baby, so he never got that 20 mil. But he does have that story to tell, and another one …

Rodman has also ALLEGED Madge made a similar deal with Carlos Leon—who fathered her daughter Lourdes—though he has no facts, just his flapping lips. But he has a book to sell, so …

Still, it begs the question, if you sleep with Rodman for $20,000,000, where are you gonna get the coins for your follow-up treatments.

STDs ain’t cheap, y’all.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Hallelujah and praise the Baby Jeebus! Justin Bieber’s been arrested!

Around 4AM Thursday morning, Miss Justine was caught drag racing down a Miami residential street in a Lamborghini, which is illegal on its own. But let’s toss in the fact that nineteen-year-old Miss Thang failed a sobriety test!

Underage! Drunk! Drag racing — and not the good RuPaul kind! Dick!

Police officers saw two cars racing at 4:09 AM Thursday, with two other vehicles apparently being used to block the area off; the second car was a red Ferrari, and that driver, R&B singer Khalil Sharief, was also arrested. Both cars were towed.

At the scene Bieber failed a field sobriety test and was taken to the Miami Beach police station for a Breathalyzer and processing, and was then transported to the Miami-Dade County jail, where he will undoubtedly soil his drawers and cry for his Mommy.

Now, the case: for a first DUI offense, there is no minimum sentence but a maximum sentence is six months, a fine of $250 to $500, and 50 hours of community service. For anyone under 21, there is an automatic six-month license suspension. First offense of a drag-racing offense nets a sentence of up to six months, a fine of $500 to $1,000, and a one-year license suspension.

But, let’s be clear: rich, white, celebrity, however untalented, Bieber won’t go to jail.

Damn! But he has started his Official Criminal Record!

I think he’ll Out-Lindsay Lohan.

And speaking of Lohan, you gotta hand it to her. I mean, she’s gone down more times than George Michael in a London bathroom, and yet she still thinks she’s “somebody.”

Lindsay is still in England, partying or something, because no one really knows. She’s been in and out of London clubs for more than a week, and seems to be surrounding herself with the crème-de-la-crème of UK druggies and dealers.

And so, since she's a huge star, where Lohan goes, the paparazzi follow, and what’s a mega-star to do when she can’t tumble out of a club at 4AM without a pesky photographer snapping away? She calls the police and asks to be escorted to her car.

Seriously. Last week Lohan left the john’s house where she was staying and went off to a “friend’s” place in West London. Upon arrival at the house, there were four police officers waiting, ALLEGEDLY called by Lohan herself to help her get into the building without paparazzi snapping her teetering footsteps.

The photographers asked the officers if helping Lindsay across a sidewalk was the best use of taxpayer funds, and they replied that they respond to any call they receive.

Now, once Lohan was ensconced in the house, the officers left, but did return a few hours later when Lindsay was ready to leave. The police guided her into a waiting car and then followed the car halfway back to her john’s house. There, another police car with two officers inside was waiting to make sure she walked the 10-feet from the car into the doorway without incident.

She’s a big star, y’all; she’s not just a media whore looking for attention.

Really. Really.

I didn’t mention this last week because, well, it’s Kanye and there’s always a ton of Kanye stories and I needed a break.

But, let’s dish: it seems some 18-year-old kid followed Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe into a building and he kinda yelled at the paparazzi to leave her alone; I guess he thought he was a London cop protecting Lohan? Anyway, Kim told him to relax and so he went off on her, screaming obscenities, calling her a slut and a whore and dropping some N-bombs. Well, Kim either called or texted Kanye, who was in the building, and he came swishing screaming in to save her and began punching the kid about 30 times.

Eyewitness say the 18-year-old was sitting in a chair in a chiropractor's office when Kanye started slugging him in the face as Kim stood there, watching. The receptionist was screaming, “Stop, stop,” but Kanye ignored her and the kid dropped to the floor, trying to block the Fists of Kanye. Finally, a massage therapist came out and pushed Kanye off the kid. Then Kim and Kanye fled.

Now, there are sources — whose name is something like That Woman — who say Kim has been talking to her lawyer about suing the kid because he ALLEGEDLY “threatened to hit her. He said, ‘I bet I could beat you … Slut! N***er lover! C**t.”

The source goes on to say that Kanye, who ran to Kim's side like a knight in shining Armani was also verbally attacked by the kid, who “continued with the slurs [and] was in Kanye’s face and wouldn’t stop. He was taunting him.”

All the more reason for a grown-assed man to beat an 18-year-old, rather than just removing his  Baby Mama from the room. And now Kim, in an effort to make the scene appear direr, says she feared she would be killed during the racially charged run-in.

But then why not just leave? Why not call the police? Why not do anything other than calling your hot-headed ill-tempered baby daddy?

Oh yeah, free publicity.

More from Krazy K?

A Kardashian family holiday get-together at That Woman’s manse erupted into a shouting match at the dinner table when That Mother heard that Kim was changing her name to Kim Kardashian-West!

There goes The Brand, That Woman shrieked. How am I gonna make a dime off’a you if you change your name? Make Kanye change his to Kanye Kardashian and let the cash registers ring!

But then, with everyone silent, and dumbstruck — a normal mode for most Kardashians — Kanye spoke up, “She will be known as Kim West! My wife will bear my name only! ”

Then That Woman turned into a cheap Joan Crawford knock-off and pushed Kanye through a glass coffee table shrieking at him about respecting her.

ALLEGEDLY.

Back to Miss Justine, and the Egg Toss.

Last week Miss Justine Bieber’s house was raided by cops because he was accused of making an omelet of his neighbor’s home and causing some $20,000 in damages. They found no eggs, but did find drugs and arrested Bieber’s buddy, rapper Lil Za, for possession of Molly. 

They also seized a bunch of stuff, like Little Justin’s cell phone and now she’s worried about what cops are going to find on the cell phone, like nekkid selfies and maybe pictures of Justin doing all those drugs that were found in the home, too.

Law enforcement officers are interested in texts that could incriminate him and want to see if he texted someone after the fact and bragged about the egging. But Justine is more concerned more about drug discussions and references — not that it’s against the law, but what if it leaks out and tens of millions of underage girls find out he’s a real douche?

Just sayin’.

And to combine two Gossip Subjects into one item: let’s talk Kylie Jenner, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe’s half-sister, and what she thinks of Justin Bieber.

“I feel strongly. Just because I know when we’re in positions like that. And I just feel like people feel like they have the opportunity to, like, kind of mess with you just because of your status. So, I don’t know, I feel strongly. What are you raiding his house for, to find eggs?”

First off, Kylie, stay in school and learn to use your words.

And secondly, Kylie, the police will “mess with you” if you break the law by damaging someone else’s property, even with eggs.

Thirdly, shut up.

So, Dennis Rodman went back to North Korea to see his friend, murderer and despot Kim Jong Un. And while there he defending Little Kim and called him a friend. He also claimed that an American who’s been detained in North Korea for over a year now should have thought harder about whatever it is he did and basically, he was shit outta luck.

Many people didn’t care for that, so naturally Rodman apologized and then he came back to America and checked into rehab.

For being a moron? Or maybe just a moron who likes to booze it up with tiny Asian men.

So, last week Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny’s Child, Instagrammed a photo of her and Beyoncé with Aaliyah, on what would have been Aaliyah’s 35th birthday; she was killed in a 2001 plane crash.

Then Beyoncé decided to honor Aaliyah the same way and used the same picture, too. Only, in her photo posted to Instagram she cropped Kelly Rowland out of the picture.

Oh, the Queen throws shade. And not subtle shade, you know.

Sunday Funnies: The Rest, Plus Kim Jong Un & Dennis Rodman, The Sochi Games, & The GOP