Why Is It ...

… that I get no credit whatsoever for helping people deal with a trying time. I mean, instead of saying “Fuck off,” I always ask, “How can I help you fuck off?”

… that people don’t understand that Facebook is just a tool for me to be a menace to society

… that people always come up to me with their feel good granola kumbaya motivational crap but when I say to them, “Reach for the stars because even if you miss you’ll be miles away from me,” they call me mean.

… that people don’t see that while I am a red flag the material is quality

... that whenever I go to a shop selling essential oils and ask for the one that calms people down, they me offer lilac or some shiz and not the Chloroform I asked for

… that anyone who has distanced themselves from me, I kindly say, ‘Stay there, and Thank you.’

… that I know I don’t have to be so sarcastic but the world has given me so much to work and I would hate to be wasteful.

… that one of my toxic traits is saying “Nice talk” after saying something and it gets ignored.

… that when a co-worker asked why I was so irritated since I’d just clocked in, I said, ‘It’s spillover from yesterday. MOVE!’

… that when I first meet people I’m very shy, then boom! I’m a whole podcast with no mute button or Off switch.

Why Is It ...

… that one of my biggest flaws, when I ask someone their name, is that I forget to listen to what they say.

… that if you find me offensive, then I’d suggest you stop finding me in the first place.

… that y’all need to remember if Drunk Me said or did something rude and mean, you gotta take it up with Drunk Me. Don’t come at Sober Me; we weren’t there and we don’t know what happened.

… that the conversations I have with myself while I’m folding laundry are especially deep.

… that no automated messaging system realizes that I will press 0, and continue to press 0, until I get a representative.

… that you cannot text me once a day like I’m a vitamin.

… that one minute you’re young and fun and the next minute you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

… that when a friend says to me, “Oh that’s so mean, I can’t say that,” I say, “Give me the phone.”

… that they call me 007 at work because I have 0 motivation, 0 skills, and take 7 bathroom breaks a day.

… that Facebook doesn’t let you laugh at a Friend Request.

Why Is It ...

… that every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas ... Easter ... Summer ... Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for me.

… that for all of you who got into my business this past year, I will be sending you a W-2.

… that I was arguing with boss one day and just decided to take off my glasses and say, “I don’t don’t wanna see you right now.”

… that no one understands that I always have something smart to say.

… that when someone says to me, “I’ve seen your true colors,” I say, “Good., Use them to paint your bedroom.”

… that I always offer to cook, not because I’m nice, but because I want the food to be good.

… that while I may look normal, deep down, inside I wanna be an octopus so I can slap eight people at once.

… that Facebook keep suggesting people I may know. Well, I do know them and I don’t like them.

… that whenever people tell me I smell good and then ask me what I’m wearing, I say, “I splashed on some Leave Me The Fu-Cologne.”

… that my favorite childhood memory is having energy.

Why Is It ...

… that when someone asks me if I’m ‘okay,’ I say, ‘Absolutely not, but I’m funny.’

… that I hate getting mad? Is it because it takes me two-and-a-half-years to calm down?

… that no one understands I am only social on Facebook; do not come bothering me in real life.

… that I want to live my life to the fullest, but I also want to be in bed by 9?

… that I understand being a responsible adult, but every day … every … single … day … seems a little excessive.

… that no one realizes that I am that age where I won’t make eye contact with someone because they look like a talker?

… that even though my work week finishes up by Friday, in reality I’ve emotionally given up by Wednesday?

… that if you want to make a moron’s head explode, all you have to do is ask them to spell ‘there.’ And when they ask you to use it in a sentence, say, ‘Their car is parked over there and they’re late.’

Why Is It ...

… that even though I often check myself, I tend to wreck myself?

… that I don’t have a “train” of thought but instead have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when their paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

… that when I see the sign that says “Please See Cashier” I get right back into my car and find another gas station?

… when someone asks me what essential oils might best calm down my family, my mind instantly goes to chloroform?

… that when I invite people to my house for a party, they get upset that I really meant, ‘Come over and help me fold clothes’?

… that my boss hates when I bring a sort of ‘We should all quit’ vibe into the office?

… that whenever I see a Facebook ‘memories’ post of mine, I’m always wearing the same shirt … the one I have on right now?

… that there are days when coffee isn't enough, and I wish I could be struck by lightning?

Why Is It ...

… that I want to enact a National Quiet Day where everyone shuts up for twenty-four hours?

… that I make jokes in my head and then laugh out loud in public while people stare?

 … that the temperature in South Carolina went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper running up on it?

… that when someone asks if I have plans for the Fall, it takes me a minute to realize they mean Autumn and not the collapse of civilization?

… that I’m humble enough to know I’m replaceable, but cocky enough to know it’s a downgrade?

… that when I’m on Facebook and someone's post includes the phrase, ‘I bet none of my friends will share this,’ I don’t?

… that I have days when I swipe my credit cars at the gas station and if it says ‘See Cashier,’ I just leave?

… that unless we make plans before I get off work, once I’m off and I’m home, I’M HOME! I’m not going anywhere. I’m old and I’m tired.

… that bars only do a Happy Hour? Howsabout a Sad Hour with even cheaper drinks and no one minds if you cry a little?

… that my first thought when I get a headache isn’t that it’s from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses, but rather that I have a brain tumor?

The Funny Papers

Jack Ohman, Ann Telnaes, Bill Day, Ed Hall, Nick Anderson, Mike Luckovich, Michael de Adder, Bob Englehart, RJ Matson, Bill Bramhall, Kevin Siers, Dave Whamond, Marc Murphy, David Horsey, 

Bobservations

When Carlos was dealing with moving his Aunt Gloria back to the family home in Mexico City, the hardest call he had to make was to Gloria to tell her. Even at 95, she’s feisty and conniving, and told Carlos that if anyone tried to take her out of the house in Salvatierra she would call the police. Carlos replied:

“Good, they can help get you into the car.”

The good news is that she was neither feisty or conniving and did not call the police, but went nicely, and even bought dinner for the family members taking her home. We spoke with her Tuesday morning and she’s seemed happy and glad to be back with her sister-in-law and a great-nice.

Hopefully, she will thrive back at home.

Tuxedo just wants Travis Tritt to hear two words: Eric Clapton. He also opposed mandates until he realized he wouldn’t be making as much money by cancelling shows.

Take a seat Travis Karen. 

Did you ever wonder if arm wrestling wasn’t invented so men could hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes?

I have.

The GOP said Bill Clinton would make the country socialist during his eight years in office? The GOP said Obama would do the same during his eight years as president? The GOP said the same about Biden.

Anyone on the right care to explain why, after 16+ years America is not a socialist country despite all their fearmongering?

Oh yeah, lies.

Timothy Hale-Cusanelli, an Army reservist charged in the January 6 insurrection, has been demoted and discharged from the reserves.

One look at that face should have been clue enough.

Facebook is planning to change its company name next week to reflect its focus on building the metaverse.

I suggest LieBook …MisinformationBook … FuckMarkZuckerbergBook.

At a retreat for the National Republican Senatorial Committee last week, Thing 45 railed about the witch hunt and, even though no one  asked, made sure to tell the crowd he is not  into golden showers:

“It was all phony shit, ok. I’m not into golden showers. You know the great thing, our great First Lady — ‘That one,’ she said, ‘I don’t believe that one.’”

She doesn’t believe that one.

ESPN college football and basketball reporter Allison Williams is leaving the network over parent company Disney’s COVID-19 vaccine mandate.

Good. Bye.

Daniel Rodriguez, the Thing 45 loon who stormed the Capitol on January 6 and was arrested for electroshocking D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer Mike Fanone a month after he was identified spilled his guts to the FBI after his arrest, repeatedly crying as he told special agents he was a “fucking piece of shit.”

He got one thing right.

Assistant Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine, the first out trans Senate-confirmed official in US history, was sworn in as Four-Star Admiral in the US Public Health Service Commissioned Corps., becoming the first out trans four-star officer in US history.

This additional honorific makes her not only the highest ranking official in the US Public Health Service, but it also makes her the first woman to get four-stars in the service.

The march goes on …

In this week’s edition of Would You Hit It we have Alabama born Southern gentleman Clint Mauro, a tall drink of water.

So, the question is: Would You Hit It? Yes or No.

Bobservations

Our cats are indoor cats; with all the animals—rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, deer, feral cats and such—that wander onto our property, it’s best to keep them inside so they don’t get sick. But Tuxedo is allowed outside—Max has no interest and since Consuelo escaped last year she’s all out of outdoor time—with adult human supervision; he sits on the table and lounges in the sun while Carlos and I chat.

However, Tuxedo has become quite adamant about when he goes out—and has begun to meow ‘Ooouuutt! Oouuttt!!’ at us all the time. So, I wasn’t too surprised walking into the living room one day and hearing Carlos tell the cat:

“Tuxedo! Get real!”

Oh, he was real; real anxious to go outside.

Then again, like his favorite daddy … me … Tuxedo isn’t keen on people invading his personal space. I’m surprised he doesn’t have taped markers in the house …

Leave it to Fox News, in the midst of nationwide worldwide protests over racism in this country, to suggest via a graphic that charted stock market performance following the killings of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Michael Brown, and George Floyd, as well as the Rodney King police brutality verdict, seemingly suggesting that the market goes up when police murder black Americans.

Oh. Yes, they did.

Queen Sugar star Nicholas Ashe and Jurassic World actor  Justice Smith  have publicly come out as gay, and a couple, saying Black queer lives must be part of any revolution. Smith posted on social media:

“[Nicholas Ashe] and I protested today in New Orleans. We chanted ‘Black Trans Lives Matter’ ‘Black Queer Lives Matter’ ‘All Black Lives Matter’. As a black queer man myself, I was disappointed to see certain people eager to say Black Lives Matter, but hold their tongue when Trans/Queer was added. … I want to reiterate this sentiment: if your revolution does not include Black Queer voices, it is anti-black. If your revolution is okay with letting black trans people like #TonyMcDade slip through the cracks in order to solely liberate black cishet men, it is anti-black,”

Tony McDade was a 38-year-old trans man who was shot and killed by Tallahassee, Florida police in May but has not become a nationwide symbol of abuse the way others like George Floyd and Breonna Taylor have.

Then Smith spoke of the “joy” in his life and relationship with Ashe:

“You’ve been my rock and guiding light through all of this and I love you so much. I know that on the other side of this Is change, though the fight is far from over.”

The march does go on, because none of us are really out unless all of us can come out and be accepted and free from violence, especially our trans brothers and sisters, and our trans brothers and sisters of color. And we need to remember that the Stonewall riots started because Marsha P. Johnson, a black trans woman, had enough.

Welcome out, gentlemen, and keep up the fight.

This week it’s both Florida and South Carolina who have reported spikes in new COVID-19 cases following our GOP governors ’demand that the states reopen.

In Florida, the number of cases reported on Friday marked a new single-day high number of cases since Florida implemented phase one of its reopening plan on May 18.

In South Carolina, health officials issued a warning that reopening South Carolina may have led to a spike in COVID-19 cases; those officials first blamed an increase in testing, but changed their tune to say it occurred because of people going to graduations and businesses reopening and people heading to the beaches.

And the numbers are up in several other states as well. Will we ever learn?

Earl Gray, the lawyer for Thomas Lane, one of the police officers who stood by while Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd, says his client is innocent because he didn’t “have a real good view” of what was going on, since he was busy holding down Floyd’s feet, and there was another officer positioned between himself and Chauvin.

But what’s worse is that Gray suggests that the public should have intervened and stopped this. Yes, a group of people taking on the police, armed with weapons? Good idea, ambulance chaser.

Now, fuck off. Your client helped hold a man down until he was dead.

Well, it happened again. I have been banned from Facebook for twenty-four hours because of my, ahem, ‘hate speech.’

It seems I posted a graphic—it’s that one up there—about the recent rise in COVID-19 cases and deaths around the country and a friend commented that it all stems from people rushing out of their homes for Memorial Day, and I said:

“Americans are dumb.”

BANNED! Best of all Facebook gives you the option to dispute the decision, but when you try to do that they tell you that because of COVID-19, they don’t have enough people to work in that area so the decision stands. I guess I should’a just said:

“Facebook is dumb.:”

How will I live for the next twenty-fou—ooh, look, something shiny.

The president is a racist planning to incite his hate base on Friday June 19, in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Why, you may ask?

The rally is being held on Juneteenth, a holiday celebrating the end of slavery and the Emancipation Proclamation.

The rally is being held in Tulsa, Oklahoma where, in the early summer of 1921, the Tulsa race massacre took place when mobs of white residents attacked black residents and businesses of the Greenwood District of the city. It has been called "the single worst incident of racial violence in American history.

And that’s when and where the racist motherfucker will speak.

Either he and his campaign are that stupid, and they are, or they are that ignorant, and they are, or they are that racist, and they are.

Now for something much better …

And because it’s hot and sticky—and not in a good way—here in Smallville, I thought I’d add to the heat by featuring 30-year-old architect, model, smoldering Karlwiz Gutierrez.

Cuz I can.

He Just Wants Is To Use His Real Name

Last year, Facebook stirred up a hornet’s nest by stirring up a bunch of drag queens with a rule that said there can be no Facebook accounts under fake names.

You know, because, for example, Bianca Del Rio isn’t her real name; it’s Roy Haylock. Well, that would be all well and good but I only know, and am Facebook friends with, Bianca, not Roy.

Luckily, the backlash subsided relatively quickly, and drag queens could keep their accounts, and people with too much time on their hands could keep the accounts for their cats and their dogs and their birds.

Still, one young man has continued having his Facebook account deleted because he refuses to use his real name … or does he.

Phuc Dat Bich is not a badly spelled rap song lyric, but the actual name of a 23-year-old Vietnamese-Australian who has had his Facebook profile shut down multiple times over accusations he was using a fake name.

And so he set out to prove he was Phuc by sharing an image of his passport online.

"I find it highly irritating the fact that nobody seems to believe me when I say that my full legal name is how you see it. I've been accused of using a false and misleading name of which I find very offensive. Is it because I'm Asian? Is it? Having my fb shut down multiple times and forced to change my name to my 'real' name, so just to put it out there. My name. Yours sincerely, Phuc Dat Bich,"

He originally posted this last January, but it’s been only the last week or so that the photo surged on Facebook, with more than 128,000 likes and 68,000 shares as of Friday.

And, in case you ever come across Phuc and want to pronounce his name correctly, here’s how to pronounce it:

Fook Dat Bick. Not F**k That Bitch.

Bich did not respond to a request for comment from The Huffington Post, probably because he’s over this whole mess, or didn’t want to stir up that hornet’s nest again but, think about this:

If Phuc were to change his name on Facebook to say, Phil Dan Bish, to avoid getting banned, he would be guilty of violating Facebook's real-name policy.

And he’d be banned. Phuc dat.

Huffington Post

Facebook Post of the Week: George Takei

So, a homophobe, or a troll, or a closeted gay boy, decided to go after George Takei on Facebook using his very best skills at wordplay ...

Sadly, again, this was George Takei he went after ...

Advantage Takei, because after he posted this the homophobic closeted troll apologized.