It's Snarkurday!

After it was revealed that Matt Lauer was a creeper, and a creep—with a secret-button-under-the-desk to lock his door after women entered—his wife Annette Roque ended their marriage and kicked him out of their Hamptons’ home.

Annette attempted to file for divorce once before, back in 2006, but Matt charmed her gave her $5 million to stick around. But now Anette and Matt are once again in divorce negotiations, but $5 million just won’t do it this time.

Annette wants more … like she wants both of their family homes—a 40-acre farm in Water Mill, NY, and the manse in the Hamptons; she and Matt own a ranch in New Zealand which they are selling and splitting the profits. Annette also wants financial support for herself—not spousal support—but a one-time payout of $20 million, and then she won’t ask for child support for their three children, though Matt will still be responsible for half the education and health costs until each child is 21.

Who knew that marrying Matt Lauer would be like winning the lottery?

I’d have married him for two houses and $20 million.

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John Travolta lives in a world where it’s perfectly okay to fondle the crotch of your male massage therapist without permission … ALLEGEDLY … but last week, in Cannes to promote his next big flop, Gotti, Johnny was asked about the #MeToo movement and his answer was so incredibly ignorant and stupid and nonsensical that I thought maybe his toupee was too tight.

During a press event, a moderator spent most of the time gushing about Travolta’s career in movies—not his career in men’s locker rooms … ALLEGEDLY—but finally someone asked about #MeToo and the nearly 100 women protesting at Cannes about the underrepresentation of female filmmakers at the festival. Travolta said he hadn’t really heard much about #MeToo because, again, my guess, tiny tight toupee:

“I honestly don’t know a ton about it, because I try my best to keep people equal— men, women, races. My father was brilliant at it. He had a global viewpoint. I’m a citizen of the globe, and I’m a citizen of groups and people.”

You know you’ve had too much Scientology when …you don’t have a clue what’s going on in the real world but call yourself global.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt walked the red carpet of the Fox Upfronts last week—she’s taking over for the departing Connie Britton ion 9-1-1 next season—and then went on Instagram to apologize for something no one said about her.

After the event, Hewitt—who wishes she’s trademarked ‘JLo’ for herself—saw her photos online and was mortified and so she raced to film an Instagram live video to explain:

“We go to the Upfront yesterday and nobody tells me the day is going to be like 12 hours long and the humidity is going to be almost 100 percent in New York City. So, I just have to apologize. Wearing a black suit? Not a good idea. Not wearing enough hairspray and teasing in my hair? Also, a bad idea. I just have to apologize for how wrecked I look in all the pictures that have come out. I was literally melting ... My hair was flat, my makeup was running off my face and I looked like I had completely forgotten I was an actress in this business who is supposed to look [perfect] when you step on the red carpet. That is not what I’m going to look like on the show. I’m going to have makeup on my face. I’m not going to be sweating ... Honestly, I apologize. I should’ve really gotten it together!”

Honey? No one asked about your looks. They were too busy wondering why anyone would hire you for anything.

Apologize for that.

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After fathering five or so kids with two or so women, Hugh Grant has actually decided to marry one of his Baby Mama’s.

Hugh got engaged to his longtime girlfriend and mother to some of his kids, Anna Eberstein. Hugh and Anna have three kids: a two-year-old daughter, a five-year-old son, and a third kiddo who was born earlier this year that they aren’t talking about too much.

Hugh also has two kids with his ex, Tinglan Hong. 

Whether that means he’ll be changed enough to alter his outlook on monogamy remains to be seen. Back in 2016, Hugh had a mouthful to say about the subject of long-term relationships to Howard Stern:

“If you ask me the question, ‘Do I think human beings are meant to be in 40-year-long monogamous, faithful relationships?’ No, no. Whoever said they were?”

That’s one way to start a marriage with a woman who gave birth to three of your five children at the same time another woman was giving birth to the other two kids.

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Religion has always been the go-to for pop stars seeking to portray themselves as rebels; think Madonna during her entire career. Think Katy Perry trying to evict nuns from their home because she wanted it.

Now think Beyoncé who just snatched up a church in New Orleans for $850,000. To be fair, the 100-year-old, church has been out of commission since a lot of the members died, but still … Beyoncé … church?

Why? Oh, she thinks she’s some kind of a god … of auto-tune and weaves and oscillating fans. Or maybe she’s found another way to whore herself out for coins. See, recently, about 900 of her most devoted zombies began attending a church service in San Francisco called “Beyoncé Mass.”

And now Beyoncé bought a church in Nawlin’s? How long before she starts her own mass, and sells tickets to his and turns the alter into a concession stand?

If it ain’t making her money, Beyoncé ain’t doin’ it.

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Last weekend Janet Jackson won the Icon award at the Billboard Music Awards, and many members of the family were there to see her—after probably cashing a check from Miss Jackson.

Prince Michael was there; Mama Katherine, too. Even the non-singing one—except for that one unfortunate tune in the 80s—Rebbie Jackson was there. Not there; Paris Jackson. Was it because no one likes Paris?

Not according to her; the day after the show, Paris posted an Instagram story complaining that nobody had bothered to tell her about Aunt Janet’s big night:

“No one from my mgmt reached out to me about attending billboards or about the award, and no one from my family did either. I had absolutely no idea until y’all spammed with hatred.”

Hey Paris? The Jackson Five weren’t there … LaToya? Nope. Blanket? Unless he was laying under a seat he wasn’t there either, so it wasn’t just you … it’s most of your messy family who didn’t get the ticket, or a check.

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Loose Bits

I am tired of the continued coverage of the fires in California.

I used to live out there and the fact is that the mountains around Los Angeles catch fire every year. If it's September, it's fire season.

Now that doesn't mean I don't feel for those people who've lost their homes, because I do. I just get tired of the media playing this up like it's a big surprise.

LA burns every year.

It isn't news, it's old news.

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And, speaking of fires and the media, Al Roker.

I think when he lost all that weight part of it included his brain because just yesterday, on the Today Show, he uttered the line, "Fire is dangerous."

I'm glad he told me because I was just about to take a nap on the BBQ grill.

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Carlos and I rented The Soloist.

Never heard of it? It was in the theaters barely long enough for people to get popcorn. It stars Robert Downey Jr, who I used to think of as cute but now I think of as sexy--yes, sexy--and Jamie Foxx, whom I cannot stand. And here's why.

You didn't think I wasn't gonna tell you, did you? This is my rant. It's what I do.

Robert Downey Jr has these things he does in a movie where you forget you're watching an actor acting. You even forget it's Robert Downey Jr. Jamie Foxx, on the others ACTS. He's all show and no substance. I didn't buy him as a homeless cello virtuoso any more than I bought him as Ray Charles. He's Jamie Foxx and he's ACTING.

Boring.

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Whitney Houston on Good Morning America.

I wanted to like it, really I did. I've made many a crack about Miz Whitney, but I like my divas to rebound. I mean , I stood by Liza through all her rehabs and failed performances and marriages to gay men, shouldn't I offer the same to Whitney?

But her performance on GMA was not so good. She asked to pre-tape the performance because she doesn't sing in the morning and they accommodated her. But her voice was cracking all over the place and the high notes were up on a shelf in a box marked "Do Not Need These Anymore."

I hear her album is selling very well.

I hope she makes it.

I love my divas.

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Speaking of GMA.

Diane Sawyer is leaving GMA because Charlie Gibson is leaving World News Tonight.

No, they aren't running off together, though that would be some story.

Apparently Charlie wants out of the news anchor biz and Diane wants in. That means that of the three network newscast, two will be anchored by women.

Harry Reasoner must be spinning in his grave.

Barbara Walters must be spinning in hers, too.

I kid.

Walters isn't dead. Really.

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Little Paris Jackson was in Las Vegas last week, because, well, that's where all little girls go to relax and rejuvenate and get their hair done.

But Miss Jackson doesn't get the traditional haircut, because she isn't a traditional girl and no matter how much Pimp Daddy Joe blusters, and Katherine Jackson smiles, those kids will never be normal.

See, as Paris' locks fell to the floor in the salon her bodyguard was there to swoop them up and bag them. The bag was then removed from the store along with the newly shorn Paris.

Why all the fuss?

DNA. Gotta keep the baby daddies guessing Who's Sperm Is Whose.

It's just sad.

Normal is one thing Paris Jackson will never be.

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Paris Hilton.

Lindsay Lohan.

Oprah Winfrey--hasn't it been nice this summer with No Oprah, or Noprah?

Mark and Jenny Sanford.

That's all.