I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

While $cientology has issues with psychiatry and psychology, they clearly have no issues with plastic surgeons.

Case in point: Tom Cruise’s new face. Last weekend, Tommy was in the stands for Game 2 of the National League Division Series in San Francisco with his son, Connor, and smiled for the TV cameras. But the cameras, instead of smiling back seemed to say, WTF?

He’s chubby, y’all, and folks are speculating that he’s gained COVID weight or recently had fillers injected into his face to make him seem younger:

“Tom Cruise has either gained weight, or he has a face full of fillers. I'm going with the fillers."

"What's up with the bloated chipmunk cheeks?"

"What [did] he do to his face, same doctor as Wayne Newton?" 

Others suggested he was having an allergic reaction, or that maybe it was a Tom Cruise impersonator … sitting right beside Tom Cruise’s son?

I don’t think so. I think fillers, because down there is Tom Cruise just last year, and up there is Tom Cruise last weekend.

Uh huh.

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And then there’s Madge … after treating an exclusive crowd of invited friends to a secret concert beneath NYC’s Red Rooster restaurant at Ginny’s Supper Club last week, Madonna took to the streets of Harlem. with a choir in tow, later performing “Like a Prayer” on the steps of a local church. 

And bitch looked good … in photos posted to her Instagram. Not so hot were the pictures fans took.

Oh Madge, you aren’t fooling anyone.

Sidenote: the best part of any of these shots is that Jon Batiste looks scorching hot, filtered and unfiltered.

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I wouldn’t know Meghan Trainor from a hole in the wall, and now I know that I don’t ever want to know her … or come to her home with two holes in the bathroom floor.

Trainor revealed on Nicole Byer’s podcast, Why Won’t You Date Me?, that she and her husband of three years, Daryl Sabara had two toilets installed next to each other so they can go to the bathroom at the same time and says it has to do with their 8-month-old son:

“We just got a new house, and we did construction. Nobody knows this, but in our bathroom, there was one toilet, and a lot of time in the middle of the night when we’re with the baby, we’ve got to pee at the same time. So I was like, ‘Can we please have two toilets next to each other?’”

And then she adds:

“We’ve only pooped together twice, [but] we pee at the same time a lot.”

Seriously. Since that’s a picture Trainor shared of her dueling crappers, I do have one question: they couldn’t bother to get matching toilets??

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Yesterday, even though no one asked her, Full House and Fuller House “star” and former The View co-host, Candace Cameron Bure spit up  her thoughts on getting the COVID-19 vaccine.

How nice that no one asked her, and yet her she is, but then, as she does, Bure put her foot in her right-wing, Republican wingnut way, after saying “we” must speak out against vaccines, is now saying she’s not an anti-vaxxer, she’s “pro-medical freedom,” “pro-informed consent,” “pro-immune system,” “pro-early intervention,” and “pro-sunlight, exercise, real food, & vitamins.”

I’m gonna skip past the “real food” because goddess knows what this tool eats, but I will land on “pro-medical freedom.” Does Bure mean giving all women the right to choose their medical freedom and what to do with their own healthcare?

Not so fast because Candace is virulently anti-choice, so she just means freedom if you agree with her. Which is even more telling when you realize that Bure shared her illiteracy on Instagram she gave people the option to vote their opinion and the choices were “SAME.” or “EXACTLY!” 

Typical religious hypocrisy. Typical moron.

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I’ll end with this one because, after reading this, I need some personal time.

Retiring James Bond actor Daniel Craig revealed that he prefers to frequent gay bars because he’s less likely to get into a brawl:

“Listen, you know, I’ve been going to gay bars for as long as I can remember, and one of the reasons [is] because I don’t get into fights in gay bars that often. The aggressive dick-swinging in hetero bars, I just got very sick of as a kid because it was like, ‘I just don’t wanna end up being in a punch-up.’ And I did, that would happen quite a lot.”

But he did have an ulterior motive:

“I could meet girls there ’cause there were a lot of girls who were there for exactly the same reason I was there."

I don’t care why he’s at a gay bar, I just wanna walk into a gay bar one night and see Daniel Craig sitting there.

Talk about dick-swinging … I need a minute or ten.

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Who Should It Be? Who? Who?

Well, here we are, some fifteen later, and my favorite Bond, Daniel Craig, is hanging up the tuxedo—and, even sadder, the blue square cut bathing suit—after No Time To Die.

And so here we are again, asking that age old question, who will be the new 007.

I was hoping, so hoping, that it would have been Idris Elba, the first Black Bond and a hunk of burning spy, but alas even Idris thinks his time might have passed him by. Although, from what I've read, he might still be interested.

And there are some who say Tom Hardy should be Bond, but when I think of Hardy, I don’t think “Shaken, not stirred,” I think, “Garble Garble Garble.” I mean, if we’re being honest, Hardy is kind of a mush mouth. 

And what about that super man, Henry Cavill? Suave, debonair, handsome as hell, but … he’s Superman, he can’t be Bond, too.

So, who’s next? What about a female Bond, Jane Bond? If the producers really switch it up, which I doubt they will, here are some options:

Charlize Theron; she’s a bad ass, think Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, but even though she’s South African, she comes off as American and Bond needs to be English, or Scottish, or Irish, or Welsh.

Sorry Charlize.

Clare Foy; yes, she played Queen Elizabeth in The Crown, but she was also Lizbeth Salander in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. But she was rough and tumble in that film, so she could pull off smooth killer spy?

Margot Robbie; I’m gonna say ‘No,’ because I get more Bond girl than I do Bond with Margot.

Thandie Newton; she played a cold-blooded killing machine in Westworld and has co-starred with Little Tommy Cruise in a Mission Impossible film, so she can manage the cool and calm and the action scenes, too. Plus, girl is sexy AF.

Emily Blunt; she played Mary Poppins, people. Let's be blunt: Poppins cannot be Bond.

Naomie Harris; well, she’s already in the franchise—Eve Moneypenny in Skyfall and Spectre—so it might not be a big stretch to say she’s the new Bond.

Good choice, some, but I don’t think the women have a shot. James Bond is a lot of things, but he’s all-man, all English, Scottish, Welsh, Irish or Australian, too, so no American or Canadian Bonds. And he needs to be young enough to continue the series for several years. I don’t wanna be thinking of my Bond with bad knees and arthritis.

So, let’s dish the guys:

Matt Smith, who was the first Prince Philip on The Crown and a former Dr. Who. Smith is debonair, clever, sexy and frightening, and, as I know from scenes from The Crown, he has an ass to die for. And sometimes a great ass is the greatest asset.

Alfred Enoch, from How To Get Away With Murder and the Harry Potter films. He’s a long shot, and some say too young to be Bond, but at thirty-two he is the same age as Sean Connery when he filmed Dr. No and we all know how good Connery was in the role. But Alfred doesn't come off sexy and cool; he's cute, like a puppy Bond

Richard Madden. He’s Scottish, he was Robb Stark on Game of Thrones and Prince Charming in 201s Cinderella, so he can be deadly and suave. And an extra plus is that Richard Madden, who has dated women, might have also been in a  relationship with a man, so Bond, Gay Bond? I could, um, get behind that.

Ben Barnes, who played Prince Caspian in the Narnia films and starred as a mischievous villain in Netflix’s Shadow and Bone. Barnes has that Bond twinkle and wink in his eye so maybe he could pull off the tux … if you get my meaning.

Oliver Jackson-Cohen. He’s got the charm and the good looks and the hot body for those swimsuit scenes I need from my Bond. And he stared in The Invisible Man and on Netflix shows like The Haunting of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly Manor.

Now, whomever Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson choose as the next Bond, it will cause a lot of controversy. I still remember people freaking out over Daniel Craig being chosen in 2005 because he was :::gasp::: blond.

But, if I had my way, and even though he’s nearing fifty, I’d go Idris Elba. Please, And shaken, not stirred.

And if the powers that be really want to shake things up and cast a female lead as Bond, I am Team Thandie Newton all day long.

Huh, maybe have Idris and Thandie plays The Bonds?

Who do you think should take over the role next?

It's Snarkurday!

It seems like just yesterday Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston started their fake romance and … well, it was really just yesterday; but now it’s over quicker than you can say Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend.

And Team TayTay is spinning the breakup that she was uncomfortable with Hiddleston’s need for the spotlight — though she was the one dressed as the Queen Mother when they took a Paparazzi Walk™ during Week One of their “relationship.”

A source close to the couple — and I believe it was Hello Kitty — says:

“She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship. Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up.”

Huh, because this is the girl who turns every relationship she’s ever had into a song and he wanted to be more public.

Sit down Taylor.

Now, on Tom Hiddleston’s side comes the rumor that he broke up with her because he was bored watching a life-sized Kepwie Doll reenact the Transformation of Sandy scene in a nightly reboot of Grease.

Friends of Hiddleston — it sounds like a support group — are coming forward to claim it he who decided to give Swifty the boot because he was ‘tired of her.’ Of course, they also seem to suggest that Hiddleston has a ‘three month rule’ with the women he dates and that TayTay felt like a ‘three year date.’

Look, I really don’t know who dumped who, and I really don’t care; I’m just glad I can go back to having those kinds of dreams about Hiddleston without having Taylor Swift dressed in Pink Cotton Candy come into the dream as well.

In Lindsay Lohan News …

Remember back in 2013 when she tried to sue Pitbull, saying he’d caused her “emotional distress” by rapping the lyric “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan” in his song Give Me Everything and the courts told her to go away?

And in 2015 another court threw out Lindsay and Mama Dina’s lawsuit against Fox News for saying that they do coke together?

Well, this week the New York state appeals court got to play the Kick Lindsay Lohan and Her Stupid Lawsuits To The Curb game by throwing out the lawsuit she filed against the makers of Grand Theft Auto V because she says they created a video game version of a coke-addicted cracktress that Lohan just knew was based on her.

I guess if you don’t have a career and need to make some coins, and the money you get being a low-rent, yacht-going, chain-smoking, vodka-drinking call girl isn’t enough, you turn to the courts for cash.

Oh Tyga, when will you learn that is you just pay for stuff then people won’t repo it?

Yes, Tyga — Kylie Jenner’s TV boyfriend-hook-up — had his 2014 Maybach 62 S Landaulet repo’d from a Laguna Beach car repair shop where it had been sitting, unpaid for, for months.

Just make the payments, dumbass, and no one will come for your ride.

So, last week Chris Brown was arrested for ALLEGEDLY threatening former Miss California Regional Baylee Curran with a gun in his home.

The story goes that Chris had refused to come out of his house when police showed up after Curran called them, and instead took to social media to videotape his plight and ALLEGEDLY throw a bag of guns and drugs out a window.

Well, Brown’s mouthpiece, Mark Geragos, slithered from the slime to say that no firearms or drugs  were found in Brown’s house and claimed the whole mess was based on “false information.” Except, you know, this is Chris Brown we’re talking about.

Geragos says he was called by Brown during the standoff and advised his client not to come outside his home or to consent to anything, and to wait for him to get there … after he rinsed off that primordial ooze he sleeps in”

“From the best of my knowledge, for the entire time I was there, there was no gun — or guns — found in that house whatsoever. There were no drugs, that I’m aware, that were found in that house whatsoever.”

That’s a lot of “whatoevers” in there; Geragos should learn to throw in a few “here-to-fores” and some “notwithstandings” if he wants to earn his coins.

Now, to be fair, and I will be, even to Chris Brown, it appears Curran’s story is full of holes; while she said Brown “menaced” her with a gun after she took notice of another man’s “jewelry” — I’m not sure if that’s a euphemism or not — none of the six witnesses supported Curran’s story though I believe most are on the Brown payroll, so, yeah, there’s that.

Geragos maintains Curran was asked to leave “because she was acting in an erratic manner” and so she made up the whole mess. Apparently she sent friends a text that read:

“Chris Brown is kicking me out of his house because I called his friend’s jewelry fake, can you come get me?”

She then, ALLEGEDLY, texted that if she couldn’t get picked up she would “set him up and call the cops and say he tried to shoot me and that will teach him a lesson.”

Curran denies sending the texts.

Look, I don’t know if Brown pulled a gun on this girl, or if this girl is just a mess of a human being, but I do know that barely a week goes by without reports of Brown with guns or Brown being abusive towards women.

So, again, yeah, there’s that.

Rumor had it that Tom Hiddleston went after Taylor Swift to raise his profile because he wanted to play James Bond now that My-Husband-In-My-Head, Daniel Craig, announced he’d rather slit his wrists than play Bond again.

Hiddleston was on the short list of Bond producer Barbara Broccoli’s names to be the new Bond, alongside Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner and Charlie Hunnam. But Sony Pictures doesn’t want to mess with a good paycheck and so they’ve offered to send trainloads of cash to Daniel Craig if he’ll just do a couple of more pictures.

And so they have offered him $150 million dollars to do Bond just two more times.

I have written to Sony and told them that I will play Bond for just $75 million, thereby saving them half a trainload of coins, but I haven’t heard back yet.

Meanwhile, back at Lindsay Lohan …

Since she cannot make any money doing films, and she cannot get her Russian fiancé away from the hookers and to the church, and she cannot get Vladimir Putin to pay her way to Russia, she’s doing what she does best: trying to get some media attention so maybe someone will pay for an interview and she can stock up on ciggies and booze again.

See, this past week Lohan was in Mykonos and was spotted wearing a ring with a good-sized yellow gem in it on that finger.

She’s reportedly been hanging in Greece with restaurant owner Dennis Papageorgiou and so maybe he’s become her fiancé, or checkbook, of the month now that Egor has gone back to Russian whores.

Britney Spears appears to have taken a page from the Lohan Book of Making Coins because her team of lawyers has threatened to sue In Touch Weekly for saying BritBrit was acting “erratic” at the VMAs last week.

InTouch claims  Spears was ALLEGEDLY “talking and laughing to herself” and speaking in a British accent again … Wait, so is she doing Lohan or Madonna? 

Anyway, Britney’s lawyers sent a threatening letter to the rag saying the story was “utterly false, highly defamatory and completely offensive to Ms. Spears” especially since she’s worked really hard to step out of the shadow of her former image of being erratic and talking to herself like she was Mary Poppins.

And now, this last weekend, Kanye West held another fashion show for his post-apocalyptic women’s wear and it was a literal hot mess.

The Yeezy fashion show, held on Roosevelt Island in New York, was supposed to start at 3 but was more than 2 hours late — Kanye was probably trying to squeeze Kim’s ass into one of his “designs” — and, as he did last year, the models stood utterly still for hours. Except this was outside and it was nearly ninety degrees and several of the models, who hadn’t eaten since 2004, toppled over from the heat while hordes of invited fashion editors left the scene.

Even worse, is that Kanye’s minions did nothing to help these girls so some members of the audience helped the fallen to their feet, gave them water and a TicTac™ until the show finally began. And that was even messier because some of the shoes Kanye used were so broke, or so small, the models couldn’t walk in them.

Seriously, Kanye, a model’s job is to stand and walk and you couldn’t even get them to do that in your drab line of Spandex-wear?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lot’s to get through today, so I’ll keep the snark as short as possible …

So, we all know that a then-married-to-someone-else Tori Spelling hooked up with a then-married-to-someone-else Dean McDermott to do the Mattress Mambo and then left their respective spouses, married one another and had eight or so kids of their own. 

And we know that once a cheater always a cheater, so it was no surprise that Dean ALLEGEDLY kept the Mattress Mambo going with several other women — including the aptly named Emily Goodhand — during his marriage until those stories broke.

Now Dean has admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction because it was rehab or Tori was leaving … or taking it to Bravo and pitching it as a reality show … even though she has ALLEGEDLY known all about his Canadian Schtupping Trips for years.

Dean, for his part, has released a statement about not being able to keep his dick in his pants:

“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family. I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”

But then it gets juicier … Apparently Tori hired a private eye to spy on Dean who came back to report that Dean has been, um, skimming money out of their accounts — which explains the lack of vasectomy money she was whining about a few months back — and the PI also reported that, wait for it, Dean has been cheating on Tori with multiple partners …

… of both sexes.

Now that’s a show for Bravo!

More on The Biebs following his arrest:

It looks like the DUI charges are being dropped because the Miami police bungled the numbers Go figure … Miami police. And it looks like the drag racing charges are being dropped because, you guessed it, the Miami police f**ked that up, too.

But here’s what we do know …

While Miss Justine was grinning like a douchebag in that mugshot, her demeanor while in custody is quite different. It’s been said that Bieber was “still under the influence” and “giggling like a teenage girl” while in custody, but as she sobered up and realized there was no one there to change her diaper she began sobbing and “crying his eyes out.”

Add to that, Bieber’s lady friend — code for call girl stripper — Chantel Jeffries, who was in the car when Miss Justine was arrested, had quite the arrest record herself. She’s been arrested five times, including once for speeding and once for misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon when she stabbed another woman in the arm during a fight. Plus, Chantal is also the one who, ALLEGEDLY, is selling Bieber stories to the press, so we gotta thank her for that.

Justine’s mommy,  Pattie Mallette, is extremely worried about her toddler. It seems Justin never calls, rarely sends a check, and has added his daddy, Jeremy, to his posse; in fact, it seems ti was Daddy Jeremy who blocked off the street for JuBiebs Drag Race. 

And it seems The Biebs has turned on mommy; when cops asked what substances he took before his arrest, baby Biebs admitted to alcohol and weed, and added that he was also on prescription drugs, but he didn’t know what kind “because he just takes whatever his mom Pattie gives him.”

Scooter Braun — yes, a grown man named Scooter — who is Miss Thang’s agent blames everyone else other than his Toddler Paycheck for Justin’s troubles: 

“Everyone around him is urging him to seek help. There is massive concern right now. The concern is, we have to figure this out. We have to fix this and do whatever it takes. They think the problem is the people he is hanging out with. He has some issues to work on. Lil Za, Milk and Lil Twist are particularly bad influences on him.”

I think it might be the other way around. Justine is the bad influence on his friends, and his mommy and daddy.

Who knew that Rihanna and Lena Dunham were in a Girl Fight?

Well, it seems it all started when, after Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown after he beat the crap out of her, Lena said in an interview: 

“She’s had this amazing career. And then she gets back together with Chris Brown and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed. And it cracks my heart in half.”

That chapped Rihanna’s hide, so when it came to be that Lena — one of the producers of her HBO show Girls — wanted to use Rihanna’s “Talk That Talk” in an episode RiRi was pleased as Rum Punch to say, “F**k no.”

And now RiRi, who never met a grudge she didn’t want to hold forever — except for Chris Brown who bashed her face in and she forgave him — she has told her peeps she wants to be at the next event Lena goes to so she can go off on her in person.

Girl fight.

Oh, this breaks my heart — he said while giggling feverishly — but the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which just debuted last week opposite football, Downton Abbey, Sherlock Holmes and The Good Wife, has taken a nose-dive in the ratings; like it's down a half million fewer viewers than last year.

Apparently people complained that the premiere was a major downer because it focused on That Woman and Bruce’s separation and Khloe and Lamar’s marriage drama — and no one other than That Woman likes to watch That Woman on TV. But the real problem seems to be that the Kardastrophes don’t realize they are just gossip and not real celebrities when they aren’t doing something interesting like getting knocked up by a rapper while still legally married to your husband of 72 days.

Now that’s TV, not That Woman and her drag queen husband, or the sister and her crackhead husband.

It doesn’t pay to piss off Sharon Osbourne; unless you’re wearing protective clothing.

At last weekend’s annual Clive Davis pre-Grammy party Sharon Osbourne got into a motherf**ker of a fight with Jonah Hill’s brother, Jordan Feldstein during dinner. And it got so bad, so fast, that Missus O started throwing food and water, and anything she could get her hands on, at Feldstein before he finally ran off.

Now, it’s no secret Sharon Osbourne has a bad temper but that she would start throwing food and drink — especially drink … what a waste of booze — at anyone while at a party is all kinds of crazy. But rumor has it that Missus O’s daughter, Kelly, was arguing with Feldstein at his table, pointing fingers and assaying all kinds of English things. Then, suddenly, a plate of food was flipped onto Jordan and he got up to walk away and so Sharon hurled a glass of water at him.

While the cause of the friction is still a mystery, the Osbournes have ALLEGEDLY had a long-running feud with Feldstein. It’s all very Real Housewives of New Jersey—they were a minute away from a table flip!

The Queen is BROKE.

The Queen is down to her “last” million because her “advisors” have overspent to such an extent that her reserve fund has fallen from £35 million in 2001 to just £1 million today; a report by the Commons public accounts committee found that the advisors failed to control her finances and allowed the royal palaces to “crumble”.

Both Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle are reported to be in urgent need of repair, with the staff running around with buckets whenever it rains to protect art and antiquities, while the Queen’s old boilers — no, not Camilla — were contributing to bills of £774,000 a year.

Still, let’s not clutch our pearls and act like the Queen is down to her last million; she's not. She's still worth an estimated 500 million so put away your airline tickets, there ain’t gonna be no garage sale at Buckingham Palace … this week.

So, last week we talked about Lindsay Lohan jetting from London to the Sundance film festival in Utah to hold a press conference “announcing” her new project. 

What’s unusual is that most folks don’t go to Sundance to promote a film that has no money, no script, and hell, not even a real star, Also, why have a press conference when you don’t answer questions from the press like, Who’s you john? Is Oprah footing your globe-trotting? 

Still, Lohan says her new film is called Inconceivable, and she was joined by one of the film’s producers, who spoke as if he had this film was the Second Coming ...of the first time Lindsay blew him. ALLEGEDLY.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems that the money behind this “film” is soaked in blood and cocaine because the producers — Randall Emmett and George Furla — are a pair of convicted cocaine dealers who are accused of orchestrating a contract killing in Moscow.

Lindsay. Cocaine. Mob hits. It’s just another day in the Life of Lohan.

Let’s time travel back to the good old days of 2005. Shall we?

In 2005, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split, and Brangelina became a household name.

In 2005, Cocaine Kate Moss was photographed doing lines of white powder in a London club.

In 2005, Daniel Craig went from being Daniel who? To Bond, James Bond.

In 2005, Jude Law went from dating Sienna Miller to being dumped by Sienna Miler because he was schtupping his kids’ nanny.

In 2005, right after the story broke in 2005 about NannyBangingGate, Sienna was seen out and about with Daniel Craig, though the pair claimed to be “just friends.”

Now, let’s jump forward to 2013 and this week when Jude Law testified in the ongoing News of the World hacking trial today and brought up the whole Miller-Craig “friendship.”

During the trial, Law was present to testify about an October 2005 story that revealed then-girlfriend Miller was cheating on him with Daniel Craig. Well, Jude says it was all true, even though he says he just learned about the affair last August when he found out a family member had been leaking information to News of the World.

Jude testified that he had called Craig to “remonstrate” — to to disagree and argue or complain — him about banging Sienna, and Jude also said he told Daniel that he needed to come clean. Granted, this is supposed to be a story about how awful it is that someone in Jude’s family was selling stories about him to the press, but on a gossip level … ?

Sienna and Daniel Craig were banging, and Daniel and Jude’s friendship fell apart because of it. Sienna eventually made her way back to Jude and Daniel went back to his girlfriend at the time.

But it makes me laugh about Jude taking Daniel Craig to task for banging his girlfriend while Jude was banging his kids’ nanny at the same time; and it makes me laugh that Jude’s marriage to his baby mama broke up because he was banging Sienna Miller.

Jude needs to be “remonstrate” for all the banging he did.

That Woman wants the marriage of her demon-spawn, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe to Kanye Kloseted West, to be sold and televised on E! just like Kim’s last wedding, you, know, the one that lasted a hot minute. But, as happens when you’re an offspring/moneymaker for That Woman, the idea is being put forth by Kim.

Yes, it seems Kim Kardastrophe really wants her wedding to Kanye to be televised on E! only this time it'll be better, and forever[?] because it'll be in Paris and Kanye's veryclosefriend Riccardo Tisci will design her gown; so wait, the boyfriend designs a wedding gown for his lover’s bride? ALLEGEDLY.

And it looks like it’ll happen. Yes, even though Kanye loathes photographers and intrusions into his life, he will succumb to the needs of his fame-hungry Baby Mama and her media-whoring mother, That Woman.

Kim ALLEGEDLY persuaded Kanye to let the cameras roll because E! will pick up most of the cost of the wedding and security, keeping out intrusive photographers or guests with cell phones. Plus, it’s all about ratings for that family, who’d sell out the death of a loved one if it garnered a larger percentage of the audience.

I won’t be watching the wedding, but I will be waiting for the split, about 73 days in ….

Back in 2011 Hugh Grant knocked up a woman named Tinglan Hong who gave birth to his daughter, Tabitha Grant, later that year. Rumor said it was a one-night schtup, where Hugh hooked up with a stranger and had unprotected sex which resulted in a lifelong paycheck for Mommy. Hugh bought Tinglan a new house and completely supports her, but does not live with her; he does, glad to report, spend a great deal of time with his daughter. But it seems like Hugh, while not being in love with Tinglan, does like to bang her because in 2012 she gave birth to Hugh’s second child, a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

And life went on with Baby Mama and her two Little Paydays until … Hugh Grant knocked up another woman, roughly about the same time he knocked up Tinglan for the second time.

It seems last September Hugh welcomed a second son, Hugh John Mungo Grant, but this time with Swedish TV producer Anna Elisabet Eberstein. The baby was born just three months before the birth of his second child with Tinglan.

Oh, so Hugh banged Anna, sperminated her with child, and then went to baby sit Tabitha, and while there he banged Tinglan again and sperminated her with a son. And now he’s bought Anna a lovely home and visits often to care for his son.

I think a couple of things:

A] Hugh really needs to learn about condoms, and …

2] Hugh should buy just one mansion to house his Baby Mama’s and offspring. I mean, why pay three mortgages?

So, it looks like the end of the Kanye To The Rescue beatdown of an 18-year-old is coming to an end.

Back-story: Kim Kardastrophe was in some sort of medical complex and a teenager tried to talk to her. When Kim basically told the kid to back off a little, the kid began screaming obscenities and racial slurs at her. Kim called Kanye, who raced over in his White Pradas and beat the crap out of the kid.

Kim wanted to sue because she thought the kid wanted to kill her and the kid wanted to sue because Kanye’s a bitch.

Well, the kid won. Kanye will pay him $250,000 in an out-of-court settlement, and yet the DA is till pondering filing charges against Kanye for the attack—and we all know that’ll never happen.

Moral of the Story: If you’re a big-assed media whore and feel unsafe ask for help, but don’t call your boyfriend who has a habit of attacking people for little or no reason.

Moral # 2: Get to California, call Kim a name, let Kanye smack you around a bit, and then wait for the check to clear.

Okay, so I give Madonna props for being a legend, for being an incredible artist whose career has spanned decades, who changed the world of pop music forever and offered provocative cultural shifts unlike any we’d seen ... blahblahblah

But, she’s also a media whore who will do anything to stay relevant and in the news.

Like referring to her white son as #disn***a as a term of endearment, and wearing a gold grill to the Grammys to piss people off because that’s what she said about it.

Madge told Miss Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Grammys:

“Yeah, I’m grillin’. It pisses everybody off when I wear my grill, so that’s why I wear it. I wear it when I don’t have to eat. Actually, I’ve learned to eat with my grill in.”

So she does things to piss people off and then says she does things to piss people off because that’ll piss people off and they’ll talk about her.

Madonna needs to take a seat, or as Nelly told TMZ:

“Madonna fucked up. She needs to get her shit right.”