Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that a fuck must be earned; I cannot go down the street with a bucket of fucks handing them out willy nilly. If I feel you’ve earned a fuck, I’ll give a fuck.

… that I hate it when I say that I hate people and someone says, “But not me, right? LOL.” No bitch, it’s especially you.

… that I can look directly at a person, nod when they’re talking and throw in a “Yeah,” or an “I know,” and yet not hear a word they’re saying

… that I feel the need to tell people that I am not toxic; I am classier than that … I am toxique….

… that I often feel the need to tell people who are speaking to me that I Googled “Who gives a shit?” and my name wasn’t in the search results

… that I know five people that are clinically insane and two of them are me.

… that I feel like life is a helicopter and I don’t know how to fly a helicopter.

… that my signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

… that I hate it when people to tell me to open up. I mean, I just met you like eight years ago, give me some time.

… that right after I say some things I remind myself that some things aren't better left unsaid.

Why Is It ...

… that one of my greatest skills in working with clients is mastering The Fake Laugh™.

… that I cannot wait to retire so I can get up every day at 6AM and drive around really slowly to make everyone late for work. They say find a hobby and that’ll be mine.

… my morning coffee makes me feel like I have my shiz together; I don’t, but I feel like I do.

… that I really am a multipurpose friend because I’m down for brunch, a movie, aggravated assault, working out, whatever .,.. just let me know.

… that I like asking seven people for advice and then doing what I want anyway.

… that one of my toxic traits is finding out someone doesn’t like me and then trying to make it worse.

… that because I remember how we used to smack the top of the TV set to get a better picture, I have to fight the same urge to do that to people.

… that the first thing I notice when a person approaches me is their audacity.

… that I only drink water, coffee or alcohol? Who knows, but it explains why I am either hydrated, jittery or drunk.

… that I sometimes think sharks aren’t eating enough people.

The Funny Papers

Ann Telnaes. Mike Luckovich, Adam Zyglis, Michael de Adder, JD Crowe, Ted Littleford, Bill Bramhall, Dennis Goris, Liam Simonelli, Clay Bennett, Bill Day, David Horsey, Deb Milbrath, Gary Huck, Trevor Irvin