It's Snarkurday!

I’ve never heard of Willa Ford, but apparently she’s aiming for a comeback of sorts.

Willa’s first—and only—single was the bad girl anthem I Wanna Be Bad; it was released in May 2001 and became a kind of a hit. It was followed by the release of her first album Willa Was Here and a second single, Did Ya’ Understand That.

Unfortunately, Did Ya’ was released on September 11, 2001 and now, sixteen years later, Willa’s still complaining:

“Everything that happened that day froze; the world stood still, as it should have. My second single didn’t do well because anything that launched that day kind of got canned.”

So, she’s blaming the bad reception on 9/11? Seriously? Thousands died that day, lives were changed forever, and she’s complaining because her single didn’t hit?

Except ... Did Ya’ Understand That was actually released on December 4, 2001, long after 9/11, so maybe Willa’s just trying to strike up some sympathy for a career that went nowhere sixteen years ago and she thought blaming it on 9/11 was the right way to go.

Honey? Sit down. You’re not needed here.

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Now, from the Delusional-I-Think-Every-Woman-Wants-Me file comes rap producer Rick Ross who, when asked why he’s never signed a lady rapper to his label, said this:

“You know, I never did it because I always thought, like, I would end up fucking a female rapper and fucking the business up. I’m so focused on my business. I just, I gotta be honest with you. You know, she looking good. I’m spending so much money on her photo shoots. I gotta fuck a couple times.”

Okay, again, look at him. Women would be unable to resist his charms?

Take a seat, Rick, I’ll call you when I stop laughing.

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Who decides what movies to make, because, apparently, there is going to be a live-action Barbie movie; and it was set to star Amy Schumer—as Foul-Mouthed Barbie?—until she split, and now Anne “Oscar Winner” Hathaway will be the doll.

I can see Hathaway’s Oscar campaign for this one ... a pink convertible, a plastic house, a gender neutral date.

And lots of plastic, which would be a perfect fit for Anne Hathaway.

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So, that was Ben Affleck’s face in that new trailer for Justice League; hopefully everyone saw it, because it appears that after Affleck fulfills his contractual duty to be Batman in Justice League and Justice League Pt. 2 he’ll never don the cape again.

And the world heaved a sigh of relief.

The upcoming standalone Batman movie, The Batman, was originally supposed to be written, directed, and starring Ben until he stepped away from directing, until his script was tossed in the trash can, until the studio realized that Affleck’s Batman is the worst thing ever.

A source—and it might just be Christian Bale, furious that Affleck has ruined the character—says that Warner Bros. is quietly making plans to “gracefully” get rid of Affleck.

Gracefully? Howsabout just killing him off? Well, not Affleck, I mean.

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Teenage girls around the world have gone into mourning this week when it was announced that Justin Bieber was cancelling the remaining 15 dates of his Purpose world tour.

And, depending on who you listen to, the reasons range Justin wanted to doo it for The Baby Jeebus to Justin and “unforeseen circumstances” to, and this one seems most likely, that Justin is “just over it.”

I mean, the little twerp has never exactly cared about his fans so why wouldn’t he just end the tour because something shiny caught his eye and he wants to follow that?

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A couple of years ago, I posted about the time that TV “star” Tia Mowry ran into movie star Charlize Theron at Soul Cycle and was given the grand snub. And so Tia Mowry ran to InTouch magazine to whine that Theron refused to even say ‘Hello’ to her and how devastating that was and now, apparently things have slowed down in Charlize’s life, because now, three years later, she’s clapping back ...

While doing press for Atomic Blonde, Charlize appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen used the game, Plead The Fifth, to ask about Tia’s remarks ...

“[Charlize] wasn’t very nice to me. I said, ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh, my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

When Andy brought this up, Charlize “jokingly” said, “What a bitch!” before dismissing it because it showed up in InTouch. But Andy, because he’s a gossipy queen like yours truly, reminded Theron that Tia herself gave the magazine the exclusive, which Andy mentioned, leading Charlize to talk about it:

“I’m really nice at SoulCycle, actually, because once my endorphins kick in I’m actually almost too friendly. I’m always touching people, like, ‘Hey!'”

Like, “Hey, TV actress? Bugger off! I’m a star!”?

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From the This Is Such A Trainwreck file comes word of a new film starring Gina Gershon, Whoopi Goldberg and Charlie Sheen.

Here’s the film: total strangers, trapped in a high-rise elevator, must work together to survive before the cable snaps! And why does the cable snap?

Oh, it’s because ... wait for it ... it’s vile ... a plane just hit the North Tower.

Yup, it’s a 9/11 film ... called 9/11. Seriously. But hey, Gershon, Goldberg and Sheen?

Set your clocks for Oscar next year because I see a slew of awards for this one!

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I have always blamed Usher for giving us Justin Bieber, and now it appears maybe Usher will be made to pay for it ... in a roundabout sort of way.

Usher, is being sued for $10 million for ALLEGEDLY exposing a sex partner to herpes.  And he’s known about it for years because, again, ALLEGEDLY, Usher had to pay off a former lay in 2012 for giving her herpes.

In court documents concerning that case, doctors reportedly confirmed that Usher had it and shared, and now a different woman—referred to as “Jane Doe”—is suing “U.R. IV”—AKA Usher—for “negligence, battery and emotional distress” and seeking $10,000,000 in damages.

Now, you might think that ten million for herpes is a lot of Chlamydia, er, clams, the truth is that Jane Doe doesn’t claim to have contracted herpes, but after doing the deed with Usher’s STD peen and then finding out about the first case make her need a lot of coins to calm herself down.

Doe claims that she had sex with Usher on April 16 and that there was “heavy petting, some kissing, and she performed oral sex on him”—though he wore a condom. Two weeks later, they had a repeat performance only this time Usher was glove-less down there.

And then she read the reports that he has The Herpes and off to court she went because the mere idea that she had unprotected sex with him and he may have given her herpes, but didn’t, should equal ten million bucks.

Maybe Usher could ask Bieber for a loan?

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So, Michael B. Jordan was at Comic Con over the weekend because he’s Killmonger in Black Panther, and was asked about being a sex symbol and he literally said:

“Who? Me?”

And the crowd was all, “Yes! You!” as Jordan tried to sidestep the talk:

“I’m just adjusting to this new air that I’m kind of breathing in, and it’s a balance. I’m trying to find a balance. I’m just trying to mature and develop as a man and as an actor, in front of the screen and behind, so it’s cool. I’m handling it OK. My family is keeping me grounded.”

Sweet. But here’s the deal ... Michael B. Jordan is a sex symbol.

Clearly ...

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I Ain't One To Gossip But .... Girls Gone Wild

There have always been lots of rumors about why Gwyneth Paltrow and her luggage carrier, Chris Martin — I hear he sings, too — “consciously uncoupled.” Some say he cheated; some say she cheated; some say — okay everybody says — she’s a controlling out-of-touch diva bitch.

Well, now it looks as if Gwynnie’s jump-off has been revealed, and it’s none other than Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk, which may explain why she’s been on that show more often than Matthew Morrison lately.

See, right  after Paltrow’s first appearance on Glee back on Oh-Ten, rumors began to swirl that she and Brad’s relationship had moved beyond friendship to something a little more touchy-feely, bumping uglies, especially where their respective spouses were concerned.

Brad and his wife, Suzanne Bukinik, have also “consciously uncoupled” and, in fact, her name no longer appears on Falchuk’s Wikipedia page; seriously! And, according to their divorce papers, filed by the missus, the date of separation is “to be determined.”

As in, it depends on when Gwyneth first showed up on the set of Glee and demanded my husband service her.

Or something.

A bit ago, I talked about former  TV star and current nobody, Tia Mowry, complaining that A-lister Charlize Theron was rude to her  at SoulCycle; a recap: Tia went to say Hi to Charlize and Theron “actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

And now it might get worse, because now that Tia opened her D-list yap, rumor has it that  Theron is actively working to get Mowry banned from the upscale spin studio.

An insider — and it’s probably Tia looking for another paycheck — says, “Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen.”

And she will; she’s got Sean Penn to back her up; you know, the guy who tied up Madonna back in the day, and not in the fun way!

Lindsay Lohan:

“People have certain perceptions of me. For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted…That’s not what I got into this industry for… And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London … so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of? I don’t understand the crazy fascination with me because it kind of scares me. Even when I’m not doing anything, they create something that I’m doing…”

And yet all we’ve seen of Lindsay of late is not Lohan in London prepping for her stage debut next month, but yachting in the Mediterranean looking like a drunk-ass mess. Lindsay has been partying nearly non-stop for the past month in Europe, and last week, in Greece, she seemed to welcome the paparazzi to take photos of her.

And now her friends — okay, it’s just Dina and Michael wondering about their dividends from the play — are worried because Lohan isn’t returning their texts or calls, and are thinking of staging an intervention.

A source — and it’s Dina, unless it’s being sung with a country twang, then it’s Ali Lohan — says, “Lindsay has abandoned her friends and her sober community. She has stopped responding to our texts and calls and is basically ignoring everyone now. She’s getting the texts because they show up as read; she’s just not answering.”

And now it seems that Lohan has ALLEGEDLY been missing rehearsals for her upcoming play.

But seriously, did anyone really think Lohan would stop partying to go to work?

Apparently Kendall Jenner was rude to a waitress and because she’s been influenced by Kash Kow and Kanye, she has flipped her weave about it.

It seems Kendall and a friend ate at a NYC restaurant and they didn’t pay for their meal at first. The waitress rushed outside, followed them, and asked them to pay their tab, when Kendall, okay ALLEGEDLY, threw a few twenties at the girl and the catwalk-stomped off.

Then the waitress went to Twitter to complain — “That horrible moment you chase a Kardashian down the street because she forgot to pay her bill to be thrown money in your face.” — about Kendall’s Kardastrophic behavior  and, well, Kendall threw a fit., denying the incident. And you know when a Kardastrophe, even one by association, denies something, it’s probably true; think Kim and her second marriage;’ think Khloe and her first marriage.

Anyway, it seems like Kendall wasn’t content to simply deny the waitress’s account of things and move on because now she’s had her lawyer — probably That Woman dressed like Clarence Darrow — fire off a cease-and-Desist letter.

Funny thing is, no one, and I mean no one, would have known this story if Kendall hadn’t had a TwitFit because the waitress probably had about six followers. But Kendall probably searches Twitter for the #skanktag, er, #hashtag, Kardastrophe every morning and when she found it she had a MiniKimye Meltdown.

Miley Cyrus. Wha’happen?

I mean, after twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch last year—before all those other women twerked on him and his wife left him—she’s been MIA. Or at least, except for her hospitalization for drug overdose exhaustion last summer we’ve been Miley Free.

Until now … a new story is out about Miley being “out of control” again and acting so redneck she make’s Britney Spears seem positively civilized.

Apparently Miley was a terror during a recent trip to NYC while staying at the chi-chi Greenwich Hotel and was such a wee bitch brat that guests began to complain:  “It was like a tornado hit the lobby,” says one guest. “Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints.”

The guests adds that Miley and her group were busily smoking pot in the hash den  lobby and when the management stepped in to politely ask the White Trash Diva to calm the eff down, she started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her.

Glad to have her pack her cardboard suitcase, get back on the Greyhound, and hightail it back to Butcher Holler.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I don’t know who Tia Mowry is though I know she has a twin and they were on TV once a long time ago, but Tia, I guess in a move to seem relevant, is talking about a recent run-in with an A-list celebrity.

First, that begs the question, how did Tia Mowry get into the same room as an A-lister? Was she serving the dinner? Parking the car? Bussing the table? I digress … Tia Mowry is talking up a storm about a rude encounter with the Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

Tia does say that maybe Charlize was having a bad day, but still has the Charlize Sadz about the whole thing:

“I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I'm just being honest.”

First off: “another” celebrity? Tia, you ain’t in the same league as Charlize so get it real.

Second off: Maybe Charlize was pissed at your sister and couldn’t tell the difference?

Third off: why is this a story?

I’ve learned several things in life:

Don’t party with Lohan because you’ll end up with a black eye or in jail.

Don’t get near Paris Hilton without a HazMat suit.

Don’t say Hi to Charlize Theron.

And, don’t ever come become Aretha Franklin and a hamburger.

After a show at upstate New York’s Artpark Outdoor Amphitheater, the Queen of Soul was hongray and really wanted a burger, so she headed over to the Johnny Rockets in Niagara Falls, Ontario and ordered a take-out sammich.

But then she took it to a table and … sat … down. Now, some restaurants have made it a policy that take-out food cannot be eaten inside the building because there could be others waiting for that table and because some people pull that trick so they don’t have to pay a tip.

But this was Aretha who does what Aretha wants so she plopped down and began eating when it happened: an employee told her to Get On Up. Her representative said a server actually called Aretha out for eating her take out burger at a table, saying the server screamed at Franklin, saying she couldn’t sit down to eat because she ordered takeout.

Franklin, for her part, says the worker was “very rude, unprofessional and nasty.”

A Johnny Rockets spokeswoman says the franchise owner is sorry for the actions of “a new and very young employee” and says the owner has spoken with the employee and has clarified his takeout policies.

No word on whether or not the server made it out alive.

Do.Not.Come.Between.Aretha.And.Her.Burger.

A week or so ago, while performing in concert, Tim McGraw found himself being grabbed by a female fan — Jesslyn Taylor — who latched onto his thigh, wouldn’t let go, and ripped his jeans in the process. McGraw reacted by swatting the woman away, but his hand made contact with her face and now she’s gone and hired a lawyer and is gonna sue Tim McGraw ... unless he gives a check to just go away.

Since the concert was in Atlanta, the local police department has seen video of the smack and has come down on the side of Tim McGraw, saying Taylor was the aggressive one and McGraw was just protecting his Not-So-Tiny-Tim. And McGraw did say this about the grope’n’smack:

“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”

Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and is humiliated; she wants an apology big check from Tim, but I think Tim should sue her for physical assault. Maybe then Jesslyn Taylor will keep her hands to herself.

The rumors aren’t dying that Beyoncé and Jay Z are headed for divorce.

Oh sure, the papers say the marriage is over, but then the next day Beyoncé Instragrams a picture of she and Jay Z playing mommy and daddy to little Blue Ivy, because that’s how Beyoncé handles all bad press; remember she scrubbed her Instagram accounts of Solange after ElevatorGate and then brought her back in a bit later to show everyone that all is well in the Carter house.

Image, baby, it’s all about image … and coins. See, Page Six says what the Carters have isn’t marriage but a business arrangement because they realize they are more marketable together than apart, though the "apart" may be coming soon since Jay Z is ALLEGEDLY banging Rihanna.

In fact, they say the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay Z's protégé Rihanna, whom he ALLEGEDLY planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna.’”

Smack. Kick. Kick. Smack.

Still, rumor has it that Beyoncé and Jay-Z will not put their dying marriage out of its misery until they milk every last dime they can out of this union.

Except … Beyoncé may already have one foot out the door because she is ALLEGEDLY shopping for a new crib without Jay Z.

In fact, she just toured a $21.5 million Chelsea penthouse just a few weeks after ElevatorGate though a source — and who knew Dina Lohan was in real estate — says,  “She was very quiet, as if she was looking on the sly.”

Adding some kerosene to the fire is that fact that Beyoncé is not shopping for the both of them because Jay Z has always been the one to make the real estate deals. And he was nowhere to be seen while Beyoncé shopped, and rumor has it that Jay doesn't want to move from their Tribeca pied-à-terre. Plus, the couple’s 8,309-square-foot Tribeca home is twice as big as the 4,045-square-foot penthouse Beyoncé say and you just know Jay Z don’t downsize.

So, is Beyoncé going Katie Holmes on Jay Z’s ass? Remember when Katie left Tom she’d already bought a new apartment before she tied the sheets together and slipped out of the Cruise Compound.

I loathe Jenny McCarthy. A talentless bimbo more well-known for her boobs and who she's schtupped than anything else, but apparently she’s terrible mother, too.

See, the story goes that McCarthy told her 12 year-old son, Evan, that it’s illegal to text and drive and he took her seriously. Evan is autistic and some folks on the autism spectrum take things literally, so when Evan and mommy were driving and mommy took out her phone to text, Evan called the police on her.

And what did wonderful mom Jenny do? Snatched his phone and threw it out the window. And we know it’s true because that dim bulb told the story on her soon-to-be-cancelled radio show, Dirty, Sexy, Funny.

Not funny, Jenny.

I love a good catfight but we rarely get a man-on-man brawl, until now …

Freddie Prinze Jr. was at Comic-Con last week to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels and took the time to reveal that he hated working on 24 with Kiefer Sutherland because Sutherland was a jerk.

“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. … I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4. … Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”

Of course, Kiefer isn’t saying a word because he’s probably sitting in a bar somewhere with his pants around his ankles drunk off his ass, but the good folks at 24 have said Freddie’s not being truthful because they love Kiefer.

Uh huh.

First comes the back-story … a few years back when Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr were still together, there was some gossip that Miranda let Justin Bieber bang her. I know … ick. It was around the time that Justin performed at a Victoria’s Secret runway show and people say Miranda did it for laughs and the possibility of an STD or something; of course, she was also ALLEGEDLY banging Leo DiCaprio, too, so maybe she was the Petri dish in that triad.

Then, when Orlando and Miranda finally split the Bieber rumors were cited by some as the reason, saying Orlando was really upset with the idea that his wife was Biebered. So, of course, as small men do, a few months ago Orlando was spotted out and about with Bieber’s on-again-off-again ex Selena Gomez because, well, Hollywood is incestuous like that.

And so naturally, this week when Orly and Biebs were in the same nightclub in Ibiza, a tiff broke out and Orlando threw a punch at the tiny star and Justin fled the restaurant amid cheers of the onlookers.

A source — and since Lohan is in Europe, and this was at a club, well, you do the math — says, “Justin was at one table, and Orlando was at another. But when Bieber and his party were later walking past Bloom’s table, Orlando refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Bieber said something rude to Orlando, like, ‘She was good.’”

Oh.No.She.Di’in’t. Then Orlando and Justin got in each other’s faces and Orlando threw a punch but he either missed or Bieber dodged it, but the crowd cheered. Later on in the night, after the punch that wasn’t or was heard ‘round the world, Justin Bieber, as little boys are apt to do, Instagrammed a picture of Miranda Kerr and then instantly deleted it.

Seriously, it used to be women having the catfights and now it’s the man-boys.

File this under 'You Ain’t Foolin’ Anyone,' but Oscar nominee, Terrence Howard, who’s made 90+ TV shows and films, says he’s too broke to pay his ex-wife, Michelle, spousal support.

Terrence has asked a judge to throw out his divorce settlement with Michelle, saying they were only married a year and he was extorted and blackmailed into signing the settlement. But Michelle ain’t giving up and is demanding the $325,000 in spousal support she says she’s owed.

And so now Terrence says he could never pay her that much money because he only takes home $5,878 a month, and claims the balance of his earnings are earmarked for spousal and child support to another ex-wife, Lori McMasters. In fact, Terrence says he’s actually an employee on Lori’s payroll because his Hollywood cash goes directly to her and then she cuts him his monthly check.

Poor man. Married a few times and owing money all over the place, with never enough to go around; even though he has eight projects coming up.

Methinks Terry’s gonna have to come up with a better story than being broke.

I live in fear of Martha Stewart ever since the day she stole a cab from me and beat me senseless with a ten-pound slab of pancetta on 5th Avenue. You don’t mess with Martha — though I’d bet on her in a death match with Aretha.

Remember when Stewart was asked about Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle” blog, GOOP, and Martha threw shade, saying she invented the whole lifestyle biz? Well, now she’s reminding us again, because another Hollywood upstart, Blake Lively, has tried to cut into her livelihood.

Blake has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. In fact, she went all Single White Female on Martha when she and hubby, and my Hubby-In-My-Head, Ryan Reynolds, bought the house around the corner from Martha and she started visiting every day. Blake was on Martha’s show; Blake gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding; Blake was trying on Martha’s gardening clogs.

But you can’t fool Stewart; at the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival Martha was asked about Blake’s new lifestyle ‘blog’ Preserve and she said this:

“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog … I haven’t seen it yet.”

Snap! Blake’s very shy in person, but not onscreen if you’ve seen her movies? Makes her sound like a porn star! And then she tosses in the I haven’t seen it yet like it’s so inconsequential. But then someone asked Martha how she felt about Blake Lively wanting to be the new Martha:

“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

Dirt! Blake “could be” an actress.

Like I said, don’t mess with Stewart; she always comes at you with a barb or a ten-pound slab of pancetta and both hurt!