Bobservations

Last Friday Carlos had a couple of translations in Magistrate Court in Lancaster and so my job was to Uber him up there, a task he described as romantic: driving up a two-lane highway to Lancaster South Carolina in the rain does not really strike me as romantic, but off we went.

The first case, the litigants never showed; the second case the litigants were given the chance to resolve their dispute without the judge and they did just that. So, while Carlos did get paid, he did no actual translations at all and as the judge was signing the paperwork he asked Carlos if there was anything else he could do and my sweet husband said:

“You could buy me dinner.”

I asked to spend the weekend in lockup out of embarrassment.

Seriously, though, the judge thought it funny.

This Tuxedo Says is from July 2021 …

Speaking of Tuxedo, he really likes humans, but he definitely doesn’t understand y’all …

Before anyone talks about “bombing fishing boats” or “stopping fentanyl from Venezuela,” here are the actual facts:

The closest point between Venezuela and the United States is 1,073 miles. That’s over a thousand miles of open ocean. A typical fishing boat would need 6–12 full tanks of fuel to even attempt that trip. It’s not a realistic trafficking route—it’s not even physically practical.

But the kicker is that virtually no fentanyl comes from Venezuela so why are we shooting boats out of the water and killing people? The idea that Venezuelan fishing boats are flooding the U.S. with fentanyl is not only just wrong—it’s physically impossible.

If we want to solve the fentanyl crisis, we have to start with facts, not myths.

This is a post about The Football, kind of, though, since it’s my blog it morphs into “Look!!! Hot Guy!!”

Last week Los Angeles Chargers quarterback Justin Herbert broke his left hand in a game  and a fan posted a photo of Herbert at practice wearing a protective glove, but it wasn’t the glove the readers were talking about:

“I’m not gay but that man is an absolute hotboy and I will fight anyone that disagrees.”

“I AM gay and I concur.”

I also concur. Even Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh can’t contain his man-crush on Herbert:

“There’s not one gene in his body I wouldn’t like immediately trade.”

Again, I concur. But there were more comments, like this one dubbed BoltBack Mountain:

“I’m not homosexual but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Justin Herbert. We won’t ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching him tighten his ass as he chops wood, shirtless, sweat pouring off his body. I’ll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Justin. I won’t be able to climax and I’ll eventually go back downstairs, angry. Sometimes we will look across the table and catch each other’s eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing. One day one of us will die, and the other will bury him outside the log cabin. Then he’ll go inside, pen a brief missive to his departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without his one true platonic love.”

Give me a minute, for some reason it got very hot in the house. Okay, here are some more comments:

“I’m not homosexual, Justin and I ... it’s different. It’s like ancient Greece, so like marble stuff all over. Pillars and like marble baths. Togas. He just kind of holds me, ya know? I have a wicker basket of grapes and I delicately offer him one grape at a time. Maybe he does a brief squeeze and giggles before feeding me a plump, juicy grape. Nothing sexual. No homo. Just the safety, the security of holding each other, nourishing one another with lush, purple, plump grapes.”

And the most amazing thing about this thread was that people played along with the spirit and didn’t post anything homophobic or rude; it was just a fun, albeit mighty hot, time:

“This whole thread could be compiled into a woman’s (or man’s, not that there’s anything wrong with that) erotic novel and probably be fairly successful. Even with that picture as the cover. Imagine seeing it on mee maw’s bedside table amongst the hard candies. As you gasp in awe of grandmas superb taste, she sees you, winks and whispers ‘bolt up.'”

As for the game itself, the Chargers expect Herbert to try and play. If so, fans watching ESPN and ABC can see what all the fuss is about.

And it's all about one very hot man in tight pants playing some kind of sportsball.

Now, on the flip side … Vice President CouchFucker has social media users cringing after telling a story about Cankles wanting to give him a new pair of shoes because JD’s were "sh***y shoes":

“Today I'm in the Oval Office with the President and … we're talking about something really important. The President kind of holds up his hand and says, ‘no, no, no, hold on a second. There's something much more important. Shoes.’ He peers over the Resolute desk and he says … JD, you …have sh***y shoes. He goes out and grabs a catalog … And he actually runs us through this incredible shoe catalog. The President is gifting us with… shoes.”

JD then tells Cankles that he wears a size 13:

"The President leans back in his chair and says, you know you can tell a lot about a man by his shoe size.”

And this is what happens when Cankles and the CouchFucker are in the Oval Office talking about “something” important … dick size. This is the clusterfuck in charge, these little dicked men.

The Reverend Stephen Josama of St. Susanna Parish in Dedham, Massachusetts is once again using the church’s Nativity scene to comment on the state of America in 2025. He fitted this year’s Nativity with a sign that reads: “ICE was Here” in place of the traditional figures and Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

In year’s past he used the Nativity to comment on climate change and gun control and, in 2018, during Cankles first attack on immigrants, put the Baby Jesus in a cage.

Nicely done, Rev

Andrea Denver is an Italian model, reality TV personality and entrepreneur known for his major modeling campaigns for Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren, MAC Cosmetics and as co-founder of the sustainable clothing brand Son of Wind ; that’s a lot, but let’s boil it down to Would You Hit It? 

Bryan Ruby Comes Out

It’s hard for a professional baseball player to come out as gay while playing; it’s just as difficult for a country music singer to announce their queerness to the world. Both professions are not known to be full of the love for The Openly Gay.

But imagine you’re Bryan Ruby, who made history as the only active pro baseball player—for the minor league Salem-Keizer Volcanoes—and a country western singer trying to make a name for himself while coming out while released a new song, “Christmas With You,” dedicated to his boyfriend:

♪ ♫ I don’t wanna sing carols, hang stockings by the fire;

If I said I wanna go shopping, I’d be a stone-cold liar.

 I don’t care about decorating or all the holiday food.

All I wanna do is spend my Christmas with you. ♫ ♪

When he came out, Ruby acknowledged that he’s on a minor league team and “not a hot-shot prospect” for the major league, but maybe by taking this step, he’ll make it easier for the next gay ball player, or country singer, to come out.

“I kept thinking about the little 14-year-old me, who was scared because I’m a baseball player who loved country music. Those are worlds where people like me are told they can’t belong. I want to help create a world where future generations ... don’t have to sacrifice authenticity or who they really are.”

Welcome out, Bryan, and please accept as our gift, from HOMO HQ, the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

On a personal note, please accept my invitation to join the Husband In My Head Club … just saying.

Welcome out.

LGBTQ Nation

The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, RJ Matson, Deb Milbrath, Ed Hall, Bill Day, Darrin Bell, Chris Britt, Monte Wolverton, Matt Wuerker, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Clay Bennett, Jack Ohman, Bill Bramhall, Marc Murphy, Bill Day,

My Two Cents: Gwen Berry

I’ll try to keep this brief … it’s about Gwen Berry, Hammer thrower and political activist, who appeared to turn her back on the American flag as ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ was played at the U.S. Olympic Trials over the weekend. As the song ended, Berry put a black T-shirt with the words "Activist Athlete" on her head. And this isn’t Berry’s first time protesting; at the 2019 Pan American Games she raised her fist in the air as the anthem played.

But this time, this time is the last straw for many on the right, and many who are white. Following her silent protest, many on the right came for her; Texas congressman Dan Crenshaw says Berry should be removed from the team; Senator Ted Cruz tweeted, "Why does the Left hate America;" and former GOP presidential candidate and ex-Wisconsin governor Scott Walker blasted Berry on Twitter:

"What is wrong with people? Growing up, everyone stood for the American flag. Didn't matter your politics, race, sex, income, religion; everyone stood for the flag. It was one of those civic rituals that brought us together. It still should today."  

Here’s the issue these politicized white Republicans don’t understand: this country hasn’t been decent to people of color; sure, slavery is over; sure segregation is over; sure Black people now have the right to vote; sure they’ve won their Civil Rights. But how many white Americans had to fight for those rights? How many white Americans were stolen from their homes, shipped across an ocean, chained together in the bowels of a sailing vessel, sold into slavery, beaten, raped, tortured and murdered?

Yes, all that’s over, to some extent, but we still see Black men, women and children, murdered by police for cigarettes and counterfeit bills, toy guns and failing to signal a lane change, broken taillights and walking while Black.

That deserves a protest. From Gwen Berry, and from all of us. It deserves a protest because these same white GOP politicians don’t hold the Capitol insurrectionists in that same regard. To them, turning your back on the anthem is a crime, but storming the United States Capitol in riot gear, racist shirts, and Confederate flags is patriotism … if you’re white.

Gwen Berry:

"I never said I hated this country! People try to put words in my mouth but they can't. That's why I speak out. I LOVE MY PEOPLE." 

She’s just trying to make it better. And more equal.

Careful What You Say ... Karma Is Listening

First off, y’all know I don’t follow the volleyball, or whatever it’s called, but apparently one Christion Jones, a kick returner and running back for the Edmonton Eskimos of the Canadian Football League, stepped in it over the weekend when, out of the blue, he Tweeted:

 “Ima keep it this real…. Man ain’t suppose to be with a man. A women is not suppose to be with another women. THATS ME THO! Live life with safety.”

Let’s move beyond the illiteracy and onto one Janis Irwin, a member of the Legislative Assembly for the New Democratic Party of Canada, who responded to Jones:

“I’m going to keep this real too... I‘m a woman who loves women. Live life with kindness, and don’t worry about who other people love. Also … you play for the Edmonton Eskimos. You play a few blocks from my house at Commonwealth Stadium. I’m so proud to represent this community, but you need to know we are kind and we are welcoming. We challenge racism. We challenge homophobia. Your comments hurt.”

And Jones, still feeling himself, replied:

“We challenge racism and homophobia???? Are you serious.?? Ok after this IM DONE. WOOOOOWWWWWWWW.I never will apologize. Thank you tho bro.”

But then as Twitter came for Jones he was not done, and went after people who suggested he be removed from the team:

“They trying to get me fired now!!. A black man giving his opinion on Twitter is sickening for many. People understand that I don’t care about getting fired standing on what I stand on. An opinion is obligated.”

And finally, the Edmonton Eskimos stepped into the fray and, well, fired Jones:

Suddenly, Christion Jones was all contrite, and apologized:

“From Janis Irwin. ‘This is an opportunity for growth.’ She is absolutely right. My words were deeply hurtful, painful and served zero purpose. I added to the struggle of a community, to live a life free of oppression of any kind. I sincerely apologize. I was wrong.”

Too late, sir, and based on your previous Tweets where you said you’d never apologize, not entirely believable. It sounds like you lost your job and so that’s the reason, the only reason, you apologized.

Racism is wrong; homophobia is wrong; and both should be challenged whenever they appear.

#ByeFelicia

Bobservations

Carlos and I have an ongoing joke-battle about the kinds of TV shows we each watch. He likes a lot of what I call The Nerd Shows—How It’s Made, Monster Ship, Contact, etc.—while I like dramas and scary shows and what he calls Stupid Tv—like most, but not all, Real Housewives shows. Not that they aren’t all stupid, it’s that I don’t watch all Housewives franchises. New Jersey? Atlanta? Fuhgeddaboudit.

One show we agree on is Jeopardy, and this week, watching an episode, a question in the category ‘Ferdinand’ was this one:

“With a pick axe blow in 1859 Ferdinand de Lesseps began construction of this.”

And I quickly answered:

“The Suez Canal.”

And I was correct. So, I paused the show and said to Carlos:

“You know how I knew that? Well, on one of the Stupid TV shows I watch, way back about ten years ago, was The Real Housewives of New York, and Luann, the Countess de Lesseps was one of the housewives and told the story of how one of her husband’s grandfather built the Suez Canal!

“Not so Stupid TV now is it?”

Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, Stupid TV is a better educational tool than Nerd TV.

Just sayin’.

I’ve had a crush on actor Tuc Watkins since he was on One Life to Life a hundred years ago, and I find actor Andrew Rannells brilliantly funny and talented.

And I love the fact that these two are a new couple, who’ve announced their Coupledom via social media.

I find them adorable. I find Tuc’s pecs adorable, too.

Speaking of adorable, Jacksonville Jaguars rookie quarterback Gardner Minshew has received a $1 million offer from adult cam website Cam Soda because Minshew is ALLEGEDLY known for doing his pre-game stretching in a jock strap or nude and Cam Soda would like to film it.

And I’d like to sign up for it.

The day the transcript of _____’s call to the Ukrainian president was released, the White House emailed talking points to allies of the president; talking points meant to show that he isn’t the biggest lying cheating traitor ever.

But, since this is the _____ White House, and shit hits the fan at a record pace, the email was also sent to many, many House Democrats who are set to start an impeachment inquiry.

Seriously? This White House is the hottest mess ever!

I didn’t do an Emmys recap because half the shows that are nominated or win I have never seen because we don’t do Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and whatever other streaming channels exist. And, also, the show as boooooooring, except for this …

Kim Kardastrophe and her sister Kendall Jenner were to present an award and instead, well, this happened: the Category was Reality TV Host and Kim started by saying:

"Our family knows first-hand how truly compelling television comes from real people, just being themselves."

And before Kendall could recite her lines, the audience … laughed.

Kardastrophes. Real TV. Bwahahahahaha. And boy did Kim look confused, while Kendall looked pissed.

I kept backing up the DVR and listening, and laughing, again and again.

Don’t hold your breath that this will turn out the way it’s written, but NBC has acquired a comedy about a gay father and son from writers Nick Lehmann and Matt Hubbard.

This new show, called Like Son, Like Father will center on Nick, an out and proud gay man, who finds himself in the unenviable position of being his newly out father’s gay mentor and roommate.

I won’t hold my breath that the show will run as written because NBC has a history of “straightening” gay characters, as they did a few years ago with Rise, a story inspired by high-school teacher Lou Volpe, who was closeted and eventually came out later in life. In the NBC show they made the character straight because, well, some bullshit reason about stories because, you know, we gays don’t have stories.

Just sayin’ NBC.

Alaska now joins Nevada, South Carolina and Kansas in cancelling the GOP presidential primary in 2020 because they don’t want to annoy, bother, make fun, show the world that some Republicans hate,_____.

So, if you’re a Republican in those states and you want to cast a vote for anyone one else, the GOP is taking your vote away.

How wonderful for you, eh?

Bruno Endler. He’s a Brazilian model with a face to die for … I mean look at that profile!

And Bruno can wear a suit, even a birthday suit, better than anyone else.

And he can rock the briefs. Thanks Bruno, I needed that.

Just sayin'.

Stories of Pride: Utah High School Won't Stand For Homophobia

A video posted to Snapchat last week shows an unidentified person setting fire to an LGBTQ Pride flag as onlookers laugh, and a voice is heard saying:

“All gays die.”

And now two football players at Kearns High School in Salt Lake City—one who posted the original video and one who reposted it—have been suspended indefinitely from the team.

Kearns High School football Coach Matt Rickards says the incident has “embarrassed and humiliated” him and his team:

“We have one rule in our program, and that is not to embarrass yourself, your family or your team. That rule was broken. There’s got to be consequences for that. Our number one goal is to build men of character, integrity, be responsible, have empathy for others and serve the community for good. That’s our number one objective.”

I will say I was stunned to hear this coming out of Utah, which isn’t the most LGBTQ-friendly place in America; and I was equally stunned that a football coach would react the way Rickards did. But if you don’t punish the hate now, it will only fester and grow, and maybe cutting these two young men from the team will send a message that homophobia is unnacceptbble.

The Granite School District is investigating the incident and says it’s possible that both the student who posted the video and the one who reposted it could face community service or suspension from the school.

Good on the school, good on the district, and especially good on Coach Rickards for trying to make decent human beings out of his players. I imagine his players, those who posted the video and those who may have watched, feel horrible that they have disappointed their coach.

Not to mention their school and their families.

LGBTQ Nation

Good News Times Two: College Athletes Jace Anderson and Xavier Colvin Come Out

It’s been a wild month, between hurricanes and earthquakes—Carlos’ aunt and a friend, were stuck in an elevator during yesterday’s quake in Mexico City ... both are fine, as are his parents, thank goodness—and a lunatic in the White who, like a schoolyard bully, whit his name-calling and threatening war and destruction, so these two stories are a welcome respite ...

Jace Anderson runs track for the University of Nebraska and during this past year he, like most of us have done, was coming to terms with being gay; he was coming out, slowly, to friends and family and while the response was mostly positive, Jace was still leery of sharing his story openly.

Then, one night at a campus party, he was out on the balcony, and three members of the university football team came out, and one of the young men said to Jace:

“There's been a lot of conversation that you swing for the other team.”

Jace replied:

“Yes.”

And then the football player said:

“We just want to let you know we think that's awesome and commend you for not denying it. You don't really hear about that many openly gay athletes here and we think that's awesome.”

Then, sensing Jace’s unease ... “[t]hey each gave me a hug since they could still tell I was uncomfortable about the whole thing and I was obviously nervous and that they knew caught me off guard ... They were the last people I thought would have confronted me on that and been so welcoming.”

Just a few years, hell, maybe a few months or even days ago, this could have been a decidedly different outcome, but, as Jace realized, nobody cared that much that he was gay other than himself. And we sometimes do that to ourselves, we get it in our heads as to how people will react and so, perhaps, we take longer to come out. We need to realize that those feelings are on us, and not necessarily on those around us.

Times do change ... and so, speaking of football players, Butler University’s Xavier Colvin isn’t your average college football player either. He, like Jace Anderson, also had a choice: continue to struggle with stereotypes of “real men” in sports or be honest about who he is.

As a young, closeted gay athlete with very few examples to follow, Xavier wondered if he could ever merge his love for football and his sexual orientation. Xavier finally chose to be a “real man” on his own terms, and in his own way ... by standing up in front of his entire team and coming out:

 “A lot of times when it comes to gay men in sports we feel like people think we will be ‘less-than’ because of our personal life. I got so caught up trying to please others that I fell into a path of always trying to help others and not myself. Finally I became courageous enough to be myself.”

Courageous enough to be himself; that’s a huge step forward for a football player, and an African-American male, to come out as gay. It’s a huge step forward for anyone who has some kind of sceret they’re harboring.

And how did the team react? Xavier says he’s not gotten one single negative comment from the team, the coaches, the students:

“Afterwards I got texts and phone calls. The freshmen who didn’t know me came and shook my hand. And they all said, ‘we’ve got your back.’ They told me how proud they were of me. Not even a single negative reaction. It was all positive.”

Sometimes it takes just one person, or two people, to make that move, take that step, say those two words—I’m gay—and it moves the entire world forward.

And in these days we need those examples of bravery and openness and courage and self-awareness, pride, if you will.

So congratulations of Jace and Xavier and, eyes, please accept these gifts from HOMO HQ: the Obligatory Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

Outsports: Jace Anderson

LGBTQ Nation: Xavier Colvin

Random Musings

So a man with a private account posted this to his Instagram yesterday:

“Fantastic day golfing with #45 @realdonaldtrump at Trump Bedminister today. We had an exciting match which came down to the 18th hole. I want to thank my good friend @newyorkrei for setting up such an awesome day. #Trump #POTUS #GOLF #USA #MAGA”

Yes, the day after _____ threatened North Korea with all the fury, fire and poser of this country, he decided to play golf.

So, either the threat was nothing, or this is the most ill-equipped human being to ever sit in the Oval Office.

Either way, get this mother f**ker out. Now.

Last week I saw a movie on TV called ‘The Take.’ It was a story about terrorism in France and the CIA and crooked cops and ... oh, who cares. It starred Idris Elba whom I would pay good money just to watch him stand there.

But, it also starred Richard Madden as Hottie Pickpocket—and I’ll refrain from making a joke about him putting his hand in my pockets ... oops—who also played Prince Charming in the updated Cinderella from a few years back.

I’d like to see this become a sequel because Elba and Madden are scorching onscreen.

Just sayin’.

In Good News For Equality, Bad News For Texas ... The Dallas Stars have become the first professional sports franchise to publicly oppose the state’s “bathroom bill” and have released this statement:

“The Dallas Stars stands strongly opposed to any legislation perceived as discriminatory, including proposed bathroom legislation. Dallas welcomes all, and we welcome all. We are proud of our home and want every visitor to feel safe at home here, too, and that’s why we oppose this discriminatory bathroom legislation.”—Dallas Stars President Jim Lites

Better news ... Texas’ GOP-controlled Legislature failed to pass the bill during a legislative session that ended in May, so Asshatted Governor Greg Abbott convened a special session to revive the issue.

Now, however, it appears unlikely to pass before that special session ends next week.

Better quit before this costs you billions, Texas.

Remember when _____ and his team loved leaks? I mean, as long as the leaks helped them, like when Russia stole Democratic material and shared them with WikiLeaks.

But now that people are leaking unflattering stories about the _____ White House, and we’re learning how easily he lies, they’re not so happy with leakers.

And so _____’s Minister of Propaganda, Kellyanne Conway, is now saying that the White House may have staff members take a lie detector test to determine who is leaking sensitive national security information.

“Well they may – they may not. There are many different ways to discover who is leaking.”

Kellyanne best hope she never takes a lie detector test because the fallout from that explosion could take out half of DC.

Oh, and there’s this, too: last week Conway said that asking prospective White House employees to comply with Office of Government Ethics rules has left many of them “completely demoralized.”

Well, if filing out routine ethics paperwork leaves employees demoralized, I wonder how they’ll feel when Kellyanne slips into her Swastika dress and hooks them up to a lie detector?

Speaking of swastikas ... there is an attempt to reclaim the swastika as a symbol of ... wait for it, it’s both high-larious and disgusting, peace and goodwill by putting it on a T-shirt.

KA Design began marketing the shirts, which featured rainbow-colored swastikas, last month saying they hoped to re-brand the swastika, long associated with Nazis and the Holocaust:

“The Swastika is 5,000 years old, it’s a symbol of peace. It’s a symbol of love, it’s a symbol of life. But one day, Nazism. They took the swastika, rotated it by 45 degrees, and turned it into Hatred, and turned it into Fear, and turned it into War, and turned it into Racism and turned it into Power. They stigmatized the swastika forever. They limited our freedom. The swastika is coming back, together with Peace, together with Love, together with Respect, together with Freedom.”

Oh hell no.

The Auschwitz Memorial Museum criticized KA Design:

“You will not escape from the fact that swastika was turned by Nazis into a symbol of racism, hate, anti-Semitism and mass murder.”

The Israeli Jewish Congress demanded the items be removed from sale:

“It is obscene and disgusting that [KA Design] would seek to profit of this in the name of art, trying to turn this irredeemable Nazi symbol of hate and murder, into a symbol of ‘love and peace.’ They are not unique in this however, with a disturbingly growing pattern in recent years of other clothing companies seeking to do similar. This is not only highly naive, but grossly offensive. Hopefully management will understand the magnitude of their mistake and offense caused, and discontinue these items immediately.”

The Daily Stormer, however, an online community for neo-Nazis and white supremacists, like the idea:

“I want to say that I am in 100% support of the rebranding of the Swastika as a symbol of love. I have been trying to do this for years, and I am thankful that hippies are finally getting on-board with that particular project.”

Let me make this queer for y’all: if you ever find that a white supremacist group or a neo-Nazi organization is ‘pro’ something, then you take a stand against that. I mean, if Nazi’s like it ... ?

Well, there is a thing called Morning Wood and it is the best part of waking up so ... New Kopi Jantan Traditional Natural Herbs Coffee, from Bestherbs Coffee LLC, has been forced to recall a product over fears it causes erections.

The coffee was analyzed by the FDA and they found that it contained a number of chemicals that were “very similar” to those found in Viagra.

WHYYYYYYYYYYY? I mean, if the caffeine in coffee is meant to get me up and going, why can’t coffee get all of me up?

Uh ... asking for a friend.

I need to catch a flight to London because Hottie Brit actor, Jack O’Connell, who I first saw in Unbroken, is onstage as Brick in an updated production of Tennessee Williams’ Cat On a Hot Tin Roof.

And, best of all, the play opens with O’Connell naked in a shower ...

O’Connell says he thought the shower would be offstage and was surprised to learn that, from the jump, he’d be onstage “starkers.”

I am going to see if they need a towel man for that scene.

The other day Carlos and I were headed out and we decided to drop some things off at our local Goodwill store.

I was cruising along and thinking about stopping for gas when Carlos mentioned that I had passed the Goodwill store.

He said we were lucky that he was paying attention and was able to save us some time.

I said we were lucky that this was the first time in seventeen years that he was actually paying attention.

I so hate to be wrong.

And from the Why Say It And Then Say You’d Never Say Such A Thing file ... Oakland A’s outfielder Matt Joyce has faux-pologized for using an anti-gay slur in an exchange with a fan during a game.

As Joyce returned to the dugout, he uttered several profanities at the fan heckling him, and then called him an anti-gay slur and challenged him to fight. Joyce says:

“I was walking back to the dugout and just had a fan yell some vulgar and obscene words. For me, it just wasn’t the right time to say some stuff like that. I fired back, and obviously as soon as you fire back, you regret saying anything, because it’s just not worth it.”

Yeah, not much of an apology, but then he was suspended for two games, without pay, and faux-pologized some more:

“In regard to last night’s incident, I first and foremost want to sincerely apologize to the fans, the Oakland A’s, MLB and the most importantly the LGBTQ community for my comments and actions. A fan yelled vulgar and obscene words about me and my family and I let my frustrations and emotions get the better of me. I am beyond sorry for the inappropriate language that I used and understand and agree that those words should NEVER come out of someone’s mouth no matter the situation. Anyone who knows me will tell you that incident it is not reflective of me as a person, how I treat others, how I live my life and that those hurtful words are not my views. I fully support and hope to help the LGBTQ community with their efforts in being treated fairly and intend to let my actions speak louder than anything more that can be said about this truly regrettable moment.”

Let me make this queer: if those thoughts aren’t in your head, if you didn’t think that the nastiest thing you could say to someone is an anti-gay slur, then you wouldn’t have said it. So save the “this isn’t me” and the “anyone who knows me” bull shiz. You should have said, “Sorry I said it; it was disgusting and I apologize.”

Now go sit down and don’t play ball and don’t get paid. Asshat.

I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I read that Food Network chef, Anne Burrell, will be opening a fine dining restaurant in New York City, based on ... and here’s where I puked ... Cheetos:

“As a long-time Cheetos fan, I’m thrilled to join forces with a snack brand that is truly an iconic American staple. I had so much fun curating this specially crafted, one-of-a-kind menu for the first Cheetos restaurant – I can’t wait to see guests’ reactions!”

I’ve already given my reaction.

Cheetos and fine dining? This place will close faster than Melania’s legs when _____ waddles into the bedroom.