The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Ann Telnaes, Ed Wexler, Matt Wuerker, Nick Anderson, Lalo Alcaraz, Bill Bramhall, Darrin Bell, Ted Littleford, RJ Matson, Bill Day, Jack Ohman, Clay Bennett, Macleod Cartoons, Mike Smith,

I Didn't Say It ...

Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil, proving he’s the world’s biggest asshat in a recent speech on the pandemic:

“All anyone talks about these days is the pandemic. We need to stop that. I regret the deaths. I really do. But we’re all going to die someday. There’s no use fleeing reality. We have to stop being a country of fags. We have to face up to it and fight. I hate this faggot stuff.”

Bolsonaro, like his BFF _____, has consistently downplayed the virus that has killed 163,000 people in Brazil, and so, clearly, calling people concerned with the pandemic “fags” is the right choice.

Asshat.

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John Oliver, Last Week Tonight host, on the celebrations after the election results:

“This was clearly a very long, very tense week although thankfully it all felt worth it due to how it ended. There was a mood here that can only be described as a reverse 9/11, because it combined complete euphoria, an abiding disgust for Rudy Giuliani, and this time, people were actually dancing on the rooftops in New Jersey. It was a really good day. Never forget.”

On 9/11 _____said Muslims were dancing in Jersey, but all of Jersey, and Manhattan, and much of the world, was dancing on 11/7.

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Neil Cavuto, FOX News host, cutting away from Kayleigh McEnaney, AKA Bullshit Barbie, after she repeated, without evidence, _____’s lies about illegal voting:

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. She’s charging the other side is welcoming fraud and welcoming illegal voting. Unless she has more details to back that up, I can’t in good countenance continue showing you this. I want to make sure that maybe they do have something to back that up. But that is an explosive charge to make that the other side is effectively rigging and cheating. If she does bring proof of that of course we will take you back.”

Nice to see a Fox host not pandering to the _____ lying machine.

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Tucker Carlson, Fox News host and ______’s bitch, scolded Cavuto and Fox News, for cutting away from Bullshit Barbie:

“In a democracy, you cannot ignore honest questions from citizens. You’re not allowed. You can’t dismiss them out of hand as crazy or immoral for asking. You can’t just cut away from coverage you don’t like. You can’t simply tell people to accept an outcome because force doesn’t work in a democracy. That’s dictatorship.”

You can, Fucker, when there is no proof of fraud. Just because you say it doesn’t make it true, in fact, it more than likely makes it a lie.

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Jason Chaffetz, Fox News commentator and former GOP Congressman, pissy because Joe didn’t mention _____ in his speech:

“There is not a single state in the United States that has certified their election yet. So you know, you can have a crying Stephen Colbert putting on an act — because he is an actor — saying he was just so saddened by this, but I never saw them crying about Donald _____. Donald _____, when he won, his victory speech, first he did was thank and honor Hillary Clinton. Joe Biden in his speech last night never even mentioned Donald _____ directly. Did not thank him for his service. Did not honor Donald Trump and all the success he had in this country. He didn’t even do that. And so, you know, carts before the horse here. You have got to go through. The president has legal avenues.”

What service? When he lied and dodged the draft? What success? When he had the taxpayers pay out $144,000,000 for him to golf?

Fuck all the way off.

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Charles Payne, Fox Business host, saying we all should thank _____ for Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine:

“I am finding the timing curious. It’s frustrating. What I thought was intriguing is on the Biden website, it says ‘Operation Warp Speed lacks a strategy to see its mission through and gain the trust of Americans.’ Well, I wonder what they’re going to say today? Are they going to tell people not to take this vaccine that Pfizer is saying 90% effective? Are they going to say wait? I mean this is absolutely remarkable stuff. Credit where credit is due; President _____, he really did push hard on this. Who knows, if it came a week earlier it might have changed the outcome, but it is great news for all Americans.”

Two things asshat: even if the news came out last week, _____ is responsible for the deaths of 230,000+ Americans.

And secondly, Pfizer noted that not only did they take any federal money for their vaccine, they were never part of Operation Warp Speed.

So, to sum it up: Charles Payne is a lying moron.

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Van Jones, CNN commentator, tearing up talking about Biden’s win:

"This is vindication for a lot of people who have really suffered. You know, 'I can't breathe?' that wasn't just George Floyd. That was how a lot of people have felt. They couldn't breathe. Every day you are waking up, and you are getting these tweets, and you don't know. And you go into the store, and people who have been afraid to show their racism are getting nastier and nastier to you. And you are worried about your kids. And you are worried about your sister. Can she go to Walmart and get back into her car without somebody saying something to her. And you spent so much of your life energy just trying to hold it together. The character of the country matters. Being a good man matters. I want my sons to look at this. It is easy to do it the cheap way and get away with stuff. It comes back around. And it is a good thing for this country."

It make take us a long time to get to even being close to what it was like pre-_____, and let’s be clear, that wasn’t perfect by a country mile, but at least we’re moving in the right direction.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Al Franken, on _____:

"Well, it finally isn’t funny anymore—the grandiosity, the ignorance, the cruelty, the bullying, the racism, the petty insults and incessant stupidity. But especially the non-stop lying. The greatest asset that a president can bring to a crisis is credibility. On Day One of his presidency, Donald _____ chose to pick a fight with the media about the size of his inaugural crowd … The very next day, Kellyanne Conway let Americans know of the existence of something called “alternative facts.” Oh. So, that’s how it’s going to be, huh? Since then, the lies have come so fast and furious that keeping track has been impossible. How do you remember the last one when three or four equally ridiculous lies are almost certain to follow that day? ‘Don’t take him literally,’ his supporters insisted. ‘Take him seriously.’ Really? Well, no. What they really were saying was how happy they were that he would be appointing pro-life, pro-corporate Federalist Society judges, cutting taxes to benefit the wealthy, undoing regulations to help corporations exploit their employees and destroy our environment, and pulling us out of the Paris Agreement and the Iran Nuclear Deal. That the President of the United States is a malignant narcissist who could allow no fact to stand that contradicted his insatiable need for self-aggrandizement has been of little concern to establishment Republicans. The stock market was climbing. They were getting richer. And they had cover from the right-wing media to fool enough of his base into believing his limitless dishonesty. At this year’s State of the Union, the First Lady bestowed upon Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom, an honor he now shares with Mother Teresa, Cesar Chavez, and the crew of Apollo 13 …  Until this crisis, _____ has paid no real price for his constant, pathological mendacity. Before politics, the man had spent his entire career in a business where, evidently, there was no accountability for inveterate lying. But for this crisis there is accountability. And instead of leading, Donald _____’s focus has been where it always has been—on Donald _____. ‘I give myself a ten out of ten.’ ‘We are very close to a vaccine.’ ‘I don’t take responsibility at all.’ ‘Anybody who needs a test can get a test. And the tests are perfect. Like the letter was perfect. The transcript was perfect.’ Of course, no leader could have prevented the devastation that this virus has and will continue to exact. But because _____’s focus has been on himself, his reelection, and his fragile self-image, our federal government squandered our most valuable commodity. And the amount of suffering which that lost time will cost our nation is as tragic as it is unknowable. _____ will not step away. He will continue to take the stage and our focus—but he will not be able to claim the credibility he never earned. We are left to proceed despite our president and find the leadership we need elsewhere. From governors and mayors and other civil servants. From health care professionals and scientists and economists. From community leaders and each other. It is time for each of us to step up and fill the vacuum at the top—first by staying home. And for those fortunate enough to weather this storm financially—to help those who cannot. Lest we forget _____’s Houdini-like ability to escape the traps he’s set for himself, it is also time for us to commit to his defeat in November. For now, find a way to do that from home. But when it’s time to come out into the light, it must be our collective mission to make this godawful human being pay the price for every lie he has ever uttered."

Word.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, on how he convinced _____ to push social distancing guidelines for another 30 days:

“We felt that if we prematurely pulled back, we would only form an acceleration or a rebound of something, which would have put you behind where you were before. And that’s the reason why we argued strongly with the president that he not withdraw those guidelines after 15 days but that he extend them—and he did listen. We made it very clear to him that if we pulled back on what we were doing and didn’t extend them there would be more avoidable suffering and avoidable death. We showed him the data. He looked a the data and he got it right away. … It was a pretty clear picture. He looked at them and he understood them and shook his head and said, ‘I guess we gotta do it.'”

It’s funny that _____ was the only person in this country, aside from Fox news and their zombies, who actually needed this to be explained.

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John Oliver, on the _____ administration’s incompetence in dealing with the crisis.

“COVID-19 continues to rip around the globe … and the president has only recently seemed to realize the gravity of the situation. … As recently as a month ago, he was saying we have it ‘very much under control,’ adding, ‘Stock market starting to look very good to me!’ before abruptly shifting gears to claim that he ‘felt it was a pandemic’ long before it was called one. On Tuesday, our ‘wartime president’ seemed to already be considering giving up the fight and encouraging everyone to go back to work. The date he’s setting is just two weeks from now, which is objectively way too soon. Although if you are going to pick a holiday to break a quarantine, you could do a lot worse than one honoring the time that Jesus was supposed to stay inside, and didn’t. It’s worth taking a moment to appreciate just how irresponsible that attitude is. Because we wasted so much time that we could have spent preparing, the virus is now widespread, and thanks to how we have massively botched the rollout of testing the virus, we still don’t know exactly how bad things are. So strict social-distancing measures are our best shot at slowing this outbreak. I’m in no way minimizing the economic suffering caused by the shutdown. But the idea that people should sacrifice themselves for the economy is absurd. And yet, it actually gained traction this week. You get that the coronavirus is not The Hunger Games, right? You can’t volunteer yourself as tribute. And what you’re doing is actually much darker: You’re actively volunteering others, including people of all ages with health conditions, to die. And even if these guys are okay with letting the coronavirus kill as many people as it feels like so that the economy’s protected—which, again: really?!?—there are—and I cannot believe I have to say this—significant drawbacks to hundreds of thousands of people dying. This was always going to be hard. But it actually didn’t need to be this hard. And that is why it’s so profoundly disheartening that we’re being led through this crisis by a man who may be less equipped to deal with this historical moment than anybody in recorded history.”

_____ was never able to handle this because he couldn’t make this about him, about how great he is, or about how the media is mean to him, or about how much money we’ll make off this.

All he knows is how to make his name the topic of conversation, and now this damned virus is running the news cycle and he can’t stand it.

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Dr. Michael Brady, medical director for Britain’s Terrance Higgins Trust, urging gay men not to hook up during the pandemic:

“I’ve never been an advocate of promoting abstinence, but this message is not about protecting your sexual health: it’s about protecting your general health and those around you from a virus that can be deadly. This advice means that, unless you have sex with someone within your household, it’s important to find sexual pleasure in other  … This isn’t just to protect ourselves against the coronavirus but also to protect the most vulnerable in our society. The virus can be passed on through direct contact with saliva or mucus, so this would include kissing. The COVID-19 virus has also been found in the feces of people who are infected so rimming may also be a risk for infection. There is no risk of passing on coronavirus through masturbation and there’s plenty of evidence that shows masturbation can relieve stress and anxiety. If you use sex toys, make sure you wash them and your hands with soap for at least 20 seconds before and after.”

Brady noted that although there is no evidence of COVID-19 spreading sexually, it can be transmitted through any physical contact within six feet.

Luckily I don’t hook up, well, except with one other person, but did he have to look so bald and hot and tell me to masturbate?

Just sayin’, Carlos, when the door is locked …

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Jair Bolsonaro, Brazilian President, proven to be more of an asshat about COVID-19 than _____:

“The Brazilian needs to be studied. He doesn’t catch anything. You see a guy jumping into sewage, diving in, right? Nothing happens to him. I think a lot of people were already infected in Brazil, weeks or months ago, and they already have the antibodies that help it not proliferate.”

I don’t wish the virus on anyone, but if I did, Bolsonaro would top that list.

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The Funny Papers

David Fitzsimmons, Steve Benson, Jack Ohman, Bill Day, Randall Enos, Adam Zyglis, Michael de Adder, David Horsey, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Jim Morin, Darrin Bell

Bobservations

Well, this isn’t so much about Carlos this week, although in the vein of being fully transparent, it’s been a rough week for us at Casa Bob y Carlos, with tempers flaring and feelings hurt. And by a “week” I mean a day and a half because, though we rarely fight, when we do, it’s said and done and over rather quickly, and then we move on.

Still, as I said, this is about me; I’m a faller, in that I’m clumsy and I fall down, not a lot, but when I do …

Years back, living in Miami, I was taking our dog for a walk; we lived in a gated community, so the streets were safe and quiet. As I was returning home, and crossing the street in front of our house, I checked both ways …no cars, no people. I crossed, and in the middle of the road I stepped on a pebble …an actual pea-sized pebble, and down to the ground I went. Then, as I started to stand up, I noticed there were now three cars in the road, all stopping to see the oaf in the road, as well as several groupings of neighbors who’d appeared out of nowhere.

Cut to Smallville … I needed something from the garage, so I stepped down the two steps into the garage, got what I needed, and as I started back into the kitchen, I clearly forgot we had two steps, and hit the bottom one and started to fall through the open doorway. It was all very slo-mo, and I distinctly remember, as I was falling, the one thought that came into my head … God that kitchen floor is ugly.

And now this week, we had a couple of cold night, so I was bundled up in bed, with Tuxedo sleeping on my side as he likes to do. I wanted to turn over and so I gently nudged him off me, apologized for disturbing him, and turned over; but when I reached for my pillow, it wasn’t there. It must have fallen to the floor, so, eyes closed because, in addition to being a faller, I’m an idiot, I reached down to get my pillow not realizing I was lying right on the edge, and fell out of bed, dropping the three feet to the floor.

No harm, no foul, but it did wake Carlos—though how that happened I don’t know because the man sleeps through hurricanes—and he asked what happened and if I was okay. Luckily, I had just bruised my ego and as I got back into bed and was about to doze off, and just as Tuxedo perched himself on my back again, Carlos muttered sleepily:

“Should I get you a crib?”

I was too embarrassed to kill him.

Rightwingnut Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro—which I believe is Spanish for Donald ____—said he believes that the crimes of the Holocaust can be forgiven, though not forgotten.

More than six million dead, but let’s forgive? Can we also forget that earlier this month, Bolsonaro visited the Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem alongside Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and called Nazism a leftist ideology? Can we forget that, in 1998, as federal deputy in Brazil’s Congress, Bolsonaro defended students at a military school in Porto Alegre who voted for Adolf Hitler, among other figures, as the historic character they admired the most?

No, we can forget; and we won’t forgive.

Jessy Taylor, an Instagram “influencer”—whatever that means—with more than 100,000 followers, had her account reinstated by the site a week after it was removed in error after it kept getting reported as spam.

Taylor complained, with a straight face I imagine, that losing her account felt like “a murder” and because that’s how it felt, she reported the closure of her account to the police who told her she couldn’t compare what happened to a homicide.

Someone needs to lay hands on this girl, because this is a direct quote from Jessy Taylor:

“I’m nothing without my following.”

Oh honey, I have news for you …

And as if we needed proof that Republicans are dumb—some, to be fair, not all—let’s listen to Congressman Thomas Massie questioning John Kerry’s credentials, specifically his college degree, a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science.

Thomas Massie: “It sounds like you’re questioning the credentials of the president’s advisers currently, but I think we should question your credentials today. Isn’t it true you have a science degree from Yale?”

John Kerry: “Bachelor of Arts degree.”

Massie: “Is it a political science degree?”

Kerry: “Yes, political science.”

Massie: “So, how do you get a Bachelor of Arts in a science?”

Kerry: “Well, it’s a liberal arts education and degree … it’s a Bachelor—”

Massie: “OK, so it’s not really science. So, I think it’s somewhat appropriate that someone with a pseudoscience degree is here pushing pseudoscience in front of our committee today.”

Kerry, after a long pause: “Are you serious? I mean, this is really a serious happening here?”

It is, because Thomas Massie thinks a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science is some kind of scientific degree. And Thomas Massie is an elected official, y’all.

The fire that destroyed the roof and at least one spire of Notre Dame is out now, but embers of stupidity linger on …

As messages of support and donations to rebuild the iconic structure—nearly a billion dollars pledged so far—came in, our president sent out that Tweet:

“So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out. Must act quickly!”

In response, the official Twitter account of the Sécurité Civile—the French equivalent of FEMA—responded:

“Hundreds of firemen of the Paris Fire Brigade are doing everything they can to bring the terrible #NotreDame fire under control. All means are being used, except for water-bombing aircrafts. which, if used, could lead to the collapse of the entire structure of the cathedral.”

American Twitterers also responded, reminding the world, and _____, of his own idiotic responses to devastating fires in California—“Rake the forest”—and his failure to even mention the recent arsonist attacks on three black churches in Louisiana.

Luckily, a real President tweeted his thoughts; Barack Obama said:

“Notre Dame is one of the world’s great treasures, and we’re thinking of the people of France in your time of grief. It’s in our nature to mourn when we see history lost—but it’s also in our nature to rebuild for tomorrow, as strong as we can.”

And then Presidential hopeful, Pete Buttigieg offered his thoughts to the French people, by speaking French:

“Au peuple de France je voudrais dire que la cathédrale Notre Dame, c’était comme un cadeau à l’espèce humaine. Nous partageons la douleur mais nous vous remercions aussi de ce cadeau à la civilisation.”

"To the people of France, I would like to say that Notre-Dame Cathedral was like a gift to the human race. We share the pain, but we also thank you for this gift to civilization."

But hey, water tankers, you know, and thoughts and prayers.

Last week, _____ took on freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar over a couple of words in a much longer statement about 9/11; _____ tried to paint Omar as anti-American, and in doing so fanned the flames of his base, when then sent death threats to Omar and her family.

On the upside, though, and perhaps a sign of the times, in the days following _____’s hate speech, Omar raised some $832,000, most of it—$415,000—coming from people who gave less than $200.

People are growing tired of _____’s divisive hate speech … well, except for his racist base.

Remember disgraced former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock? Of the turquoise belt and the Downton Abbey office remodel?

Well, he apparently spent the weekend at Coachella partying with a bunch of hot shirtless gay men, and was ALLEGEDLY intimate with at least one; but here’s the rub … and not the kind of rub that most gay men might want.

While serving as the Illinois Representative, Schock’s voting record was decidedly anti-LGBTQ … he voted against adding ‘sexual orientation, gender identity, gender and disability’ to the federal hate crime protection groups, against the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and for the Defense of Marriage Act, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman.

If he’s gay, he’s the worst kind of closeted, hypocritical, sell my community down the river, self-loathing kind of gay. So, when you finally come out Aaron, please note that many of us will remember your hate, for yourself and our community.

Speaking of hateful gays, it looks like Empire actor, and hate crime faker, Jussie Smollett is no longer under consideration for a role in the upcoming Broadway revival of Richard Greenberg’s 2003 play, Take Me Out, about a closeted baseball player.

The Daily Mail reported that producers were ready to announce the casting of Smollett and Zachary Quinto but plans changed following the late January incident in which Smollett ALLEGEDLY faked being attacked in a hate crime.

Again, we know Jussie lied because he said it was two white men; he said he could see the skin around their eyes in the masks they wore. But we also know it was two black men—ALLEGEDLY hired by Smollett-who actually beat him up.

So, Jussie …sorry, not sorry. Until you take responsibility for your actions and explain why two men who knew you attacked you, to me your career is over.

Bye Felicia,

Oh dear … Benjamin Poirier … model, dancer.

The body; the ass; the way he sits nekkid around the house, or perks up a window sill. The dance!

Uh huh.