The Funny Papers

Bill Bramhall, Dennis Goris, Rick McKee, Daniel Boris, Michael de Adder, Clay Bennett, Gary Huck, Chris Britt, Max Espinoza, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Pedro X Molina,

Bobservations

I have a birthday coming up—I’ll be somewhere between forty and death—and Carlos has already given me two gifts. 

Now, before I divulge the gifts, let me say that I love Carlos more than anything in life, but one thing I do enjoy is solitude. And since I don’t normally work on Tuesdays, not even from home, Carlos told me today that next Tuesday, as well as the 27th, the anniversary of my birth, he will be busy and gone all day and I can have the home to myself. 

Carlos doesn’t get that feeling because he grew up as an only child; I had siblings and relatives nearby and friends and such and learned to like a little peace.

I can do everything or I can do nothing.

That’s love.

Of course, the weekend after my birthday we will be away for a mini-vacation to celebrate!

This is Tuxedo from July 2021 … mid-pandemic …

I’m thinking of running for Mayor of Smallville, but only as a front for Tuxedo, who would be the real mayor.

Nikki Glaser hosted the Golden Globes the other night and released a list of jokes she cut from her monologue. I kinda wish she ‘d left this one in, about “Wicked” star Jonathon Bailey being named the 2025 “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine.

“Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine. And at first I was like, do we really need to say ‘openly’? And then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, we do.’”

Snap.

Kristi DogKiller and CitizenKiller is a liar; do not let her fool you.

ICE’s jurisdiction is only on matter related to immigration; not stopping vehicles at random.

They do not have nor mal police powers or authority.

To stop a vehicle they need to have reasonable cause to believe it contains an undocumented immigrant.

They cannot detain anyone without reasonable cause to believe that person is undocumented.

They cannot detain a  US citizen for passing by the area.

To draw their weapon on someone they must have reasonable cause to believe their lives are in direct danger.

ICE had no jurisdiction to stop or interact with Renee Nicole Good at all, never mind drawing a weapon, shooting her in the face and then calling her a “fucking bitch” as she lay dying.

The regime is conducting a thorough investigation of Renee while Noem exonerated the murderer, Jonathan Ross, before Good’s body was even cold.

These are the facts; don’t be gaslit by the regime.

I saw this meme on Bluesky, posted after Renee Good’s murder about how she should have just complied; something to think about …

“All you have to do is comply and you won’t get hurt by cops. When they tell you to get down, you get down. When they tell you to turn in your guns, you turn in your guns. When they tell you to get in the boxcar, you get in the boxcar. Why is this so difficult for people to understand.”

Think on that.

Last week, the House passed a bill to extend desperately needed healthcare subsidies and stop millions of people from being kicked off their health insurance and one of the more surprising “Yea” votes was from MAGAt cultist Lauren Groper.

Except once this was highlighted by the media, Boebert played the “um, actually” card and posted a picture of her holding an “incorrect vote form” that said she actually wanted to vote “nay.”

How dumb is Boebert? There are two choices for the vote and you say you accidentally picked the wrong one. You had two choices and you chose the one you didn’t want to choose.

It’s hard to fathom which degree of stupidity we’re dealing with here. 

Thankfully, the bill still passed even with Boebert switching her vote to “no.” 

Matty Carrington’s modeling career began at sixteen, when a casual shopping trip in London with his mother turned into an unexpected stop at Select Model Management so Would You Hit It?

Bobservations

Since Carlos’ eyesight has gotten worse I have taken over the banking and paying bills and such. The other morning I was going to drop him off at court for a translation and then head to the cabinet make and give them a downpayment for our new kitchen and said to Carlos:

“I transferred $10,000 from savings t checking this morning—”

“TEN THOUSAND!!! For what?”

“For what? The first payment for the new cabinets, or maybe for my trip to the Bahamas—”

“You’re going to the Bahamas?”

See what I deal with?

This Tuxedo Says is from April 2021:

 I mean, come on. Tuxedo can’t even vote or fire a gun and he understands this nonsense. Sheesh!

Robert Redford passed away this week at 89; a great actor, filmmaker and humanitarian, he’s like the last movie star … Barefoot in the Park … Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid … The Sting … All the President’s Men … The Candidate … The Way We Were …. Ordinary People .. The Natural … The Milagros Beanfield War … Quiz Show … and so many more, including producing a great TV show, Dark Winds. His movies often helped explain America to Americans and off screen he worked tirelessly for environmental causes and fostered the Sundance-centered independent film movement.

And he was hot, too.

I have been tasked with painting the new ceiling in the sunroom and started the project last Friday. On Saturday I was going to finish the primer coat and then start on the new color but I decided to change the sheets on the bed first. I grabbed a sheet, walked around the bed and then jammed my pinky toe against a bedpost and, yes, I now have a broken toe … black-and-blue and painful AF.

Sunday morning as I limped into the kitchen Carlos said:

“You gonna paint the ceiling today or should I have Alex come by and do it?”

Not a word about the toe, just the paint, and would I like to climb up a ladder and paint the top of the peak which is about 14 feet up.

He’s lucky I didn’t break his toe.

According to the GOP who are painting themselves as the poster asshats for civil discourse the Democrats must stop calling Republicans fascists but Republicans can still call Democrats communists, socialists, the enemy within, radical left Marxists …

Make it make sense. Never mind, it's the GOP, and they don't make sense.

Jennifer Lopez popped on a blond wig and, in her continuing thirst for attention, spewed photos of herself all over social media. Sadly, many of the people who saw the photos on her Instagram page were wondering why she was posting photos of Gwen Stefani.

Oh, Jell-O—as Carlos calls her—you are so high maintenance and thirty for social media clicks that you actually had someone hold the camera for the “selfies” you posted.

PS That’s the real G-Stef down there and not Jell-O.

The other day President Cankles said, and rightly so, that “smart people” don’t like him.

Crazy, but true and even better is the fact that he keeps insulting his base as being stupid and it’s completely lost on them.

As I was at the cabinet-makers on Monday paying the down payment, I sat and chatted with a couple of the women who worked in the front office and I am not exactly sure of all that I said, but both women have invited me back every Monday morning for another comedy performance so their week can start off fun.

Andreas Giesen is an actor and dancer and social media influencer and if that isn’t enough he wants to know: Would You Hit It?

Bobservations

So we’ve had the roof repaired and replaced over the sunroom after having the skylights removed, but now we need to decide what to do with the ceiling inside the sunroom.

The ceiling had originally been these roughhewn wood panels that I painted a light blue when we moved in, but we cannot het that same wood and  it’s cheaper just to get something new. So our contractor called and wanted to discuss the new ceiling and I said I wanted beadboard that I would then paint blue. He said we’d have to decide how to finish it along the walls … one-by-two-inch straps, a coved molding, quarter round, regular crown or shoe molding … I said probably quarter round was best and we hung up. Carlos looked at me and said:

“Why are you and Craig talking about moldy shoes? I thought we were talking about the ceiling.”

I adore that man.

Here’s Tuxedo, still in lockdown mode, from January 2021:

I seriously hope he’s only thinking of the dog. I mean, he wouldn’t want to quarantine without me, would he? I’m worried …

The other day on Mitchell’s blog, Moving With Mitchell, he talked about a dinner of Salmorejo, a Spanish cold tomato soup similar to gazpacho. And  David, at The Adventures of Travel Penguin posted a link to the recipe so naturally I wanted to try it because I love Gazpacho,

This soup doesn’t have the veggies in it, it is a simple combination of tomatoes, day old bread torn into pieces, a clove of garlic, olive oil, Sherry vinegar sea salt and pepper pureed and chilled. Before serving, I topped it with a hardboiled egg and some gently crisped prosciutto.

I thought I was making a large batch, but it turned out to be slightly less than 2 bowls, so I did a roasted salmon served over arugula with kalamata olives, tomato, and red onion, with herbs and olive sourdough.

Thanks to Mitchell for the mention, and to Travel for the posted recipe; it was dee-lish, and it looks good too ….

Lisa Murkowski says she feels "cheated" after The Felon removed the tax credits she demanded in the GOP Big Beautiful bill. 

Boo-effing-hoo, Lisa, you trued a con man? You can never trust conman but you can always trust Lisa Murkowski to be a selfish sucker who got played.

I went to the doctor for a basic check-up recently and after the examination, he said to me:

"Don't eat anything fatty."

I said: "Like what, bacon and burgers?"

He said: "No fatty, don't eat anything."

Good night!!!

While performing onstage for her “Up All Night” tour in Europe, JLo seemed to respond to a fan sign that read: “J Lo, marry me?”

And JLo, or as Carlos calls her, Jell-o, perhaps forgot that her last film, Marry Me, was about a singer who was asked by a fan to marry him by holding a sign up at a concert, replied:

“I think I’m done with that. I’ve tried that a few times.”

The thirst is real.

It appears that $85 million a year for PBS is too much for the American people to bear so it’s been cut. And a billion in cuts for child nutrition, and feeding children, is, I’m guessing wasteful. But $100 million a year for a gelatinous tub of cheese to play golf is just fine and dandy and so is $200 million for Leon Skum’s Nazi chatbot.

Have I got that right America? Is that where you want your money spent?

Sacha Bilal is a 23-year-old model from Paris whose career is on the rise, but Would You Hit It?

Oscarvations

Before we get to the show, and that slap, let me pause at one Laverne Cox who handled the Red Carpet for E! I love Laverne, but every single person she spoke to she asked this question:

What story are you telling with your look tonight?

I know it’s the new Who are you wearing, but goddess it was ridiculous. As was Laverne use, and overuse, and endless overuse of the word ‘iconic.’ Not everyone or every film or every song or every designer is iconic, Laverne.

Choose news words.

That said, let’s dig in … Beyonce’s performance of her Oscar nominated song from King Richard was mostly about Beyoncé and the ever-present wind machine and less about the film. 

Oh wait, she limo’d her ass to Compton and filmed it on a tennis court painted to match her outfit, so there’s that. And then she showed up in the audience. Why not perform live, Bey? Huh?

Anyhoo … there were actual hosts for the first time in years and , for the first time in history three women hosted: Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall: And it should not be the last because these women killed it.

We needed some laughs after these last couple years and these women did not disappoint.

This year the Academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than hiring one man.

I’m proud to be representing Black women standing proud.

And living out loud.

And I’m representing unbearable white woman who call the cops when you get a little too loud.

There were a lot of snubs this year. Rachel Zegler for ‘West Side Story.’ Jennifer Hudson for ‘Respect.’ And Lady Gaga and Jared Leto for ‘House of Random Accents.’

Samuel L. Jackson got the Governor’s Award for his Lifetime Body of Work …

Meh.

Did you just ‘meh’ Samuel L. Jackson?

I love him, he’s my guy, but there are a few holes in his resume. Like where’s the Sam Jackson rom-com  … like Sam Jackson and Jenifer Lewis in ‘When This MoFo Met That MoFo’ or the sequel ‘Bitch! I Said I Love You.’ And where’s his musical? ‘Rent? Ho, I said Where’s My Rent?”

We’re gonna have a good night tonight and for you people in Florida, we’re gonna have a Gay Night. Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay

And Amy Schumer scored …

I’m Amy Schumer, or as they know me in Hollywood, Melissa, McCarthy said, ‘No.’

Inspirational isn’t it? After years of Hollywood ignoring women’s stories, we finally got a film about the incredible William’s sister’s … dad.

‘Don’t Look Up’ is nominated,. I guess academy voters don’t look up … reviews.

Leonardo DiCaprio has done so much for climate change … leaving behind a cleaner, greener, planet for his girlfriends … because he’s older and they’re younger.

Aaron Sorkin is here,. A genius. I mean the innovation to make a movie about Lucille Ball without even a moment that’s funny. It’s like making a biopic about Michael Jordan and just showing the bus trip between games.

Loved that Amy signed about much she loved Coda.

Daniel Kaluuya and H.E.R. … OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS Ariana DeBose West Side Story

… l loved her speech about being an out Afro-Latina.

Regina Hall killed me by rounding up the Hot Guys for COVID testing … Bradley Cooper, Timothée Chalamet, Tyler Perry, Simu Liu.

 Javier Bardem? Oh you’re still with Penelope? Your test is fine, it says that you’re married … negative! Will Smith, you’re married and you’re on the list but it looks like Jada approved you, so get on up here … I’ll take you all backstage, take your masks off, and your clothes and I’m gonna swab the back of your mouths with my tongue, and I will record for academy protocol.

Jason Momoa and Josh Bolin present ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND to Dune … followed by Wesley Snipes, Rosie Perez, and Woody Harrelson, after another tired pot joke for Woody, present ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY to Dune … and then DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT for The Queen of Basketball

Jacob Elordi, and he is kinda hot and tall and Aussie, and Rachel Zegler are up to present. He jokes about growing up in Australia and never thinking he’d be on the Oscar stage and Zegler says she didn’t believe it even six days ago … yes, she’s still that thirsty girl present ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS to Dune …

Tony Hawk, Kelly Slater—oh, I love a hot bald man—and Shawn White present a tribute to James Bond …  and yet there was not one shot of Daniel Craig shirtless or coming out of the surf … I protest!  You can have your Connery, Moore, Brosnan, whomever, but give me Craig  in the squarecut!

Is that too much to ask?

But then Stephanie Beatriz presented nominee for Best Song, Dos Oruguitas, and it was performed by that hot little Latino nugget Sebastián Yatra.

Lily James, Halle Baily and Naomi Scott present BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM to Encanto … BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM for The Windshield Wiper… after which Wanda Sykes tours the new Academy Museum of Motion Pictures … spots the Ruby Slippers and says they’re from Kinky Boots, back when it was Kinky Kitten Heel … and when shown an empty spot where Hattie McDaniels’  Oscar should have been had it not gone missing after she donated it a university said:

The empty case honors all the Oscars won by Black Directors.

And then she is shown that dress worn by Cher the year she was snubbed by Oscar and thinks it was a dress worn by Little Richard.

Youn Yuh-jung presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR to Troy Kotsur for Coda, only the second deaf actor to win an Oscar. In his speech he tells a heartbreaking story about his father, whom he said was the best signer, until an accident left him paralyzed from the neck down and he never signed again.

Tiffany Haddish and Simu Liu … he’s totes adorbs … present BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM for Drive My Car … after which Mila Kunis presents Reba McIntyre singing ‘Somehow You Do’ from Four Good Days … meh … I left the room for more wine.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM forThe Long Goodbye .. ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN for Cruella .. John Leguizamo presents a live performance of ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno’ from Éncanto. This was fun with a huge cast performing the tune.

Out comes Wanda Sykes as King Richard, joined by Regina Hall, who was supposed to be Venus, but switched it up to be Tammy Faye, ‘a crazy white lady,’  with Amy Schumer, who should have been Serena, but dropped from the roof as Spiderman.

Jennifer Garner, Elliott Page and JK Simmons present BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Kenneth Branagh for Belfast … and then we have Tracee Ellis Ross and Shawn—could he look or act or sound or walk more stereotypically gay—Mendes present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY Coda … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE Dune … and then Rami Malek presents Billie Eilish and Finneas to sing ‘No Time to Die’ from No Time to Die. It’s your typical Bond song, interchangeable with the last three of four Bond songs … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING for Dune … 

Joe Walker wins and says:

“So, you may not know, but the words ‘Oscar-nominated’ can be used, in the hands of a skilled seventeen-year-old, as an insult. My daughter once said to me in an argument, ‘It’s all very well for you, Oscar-nominated Joe Walker.”

The one, sort of, dull comedic moment, was Regina and Wanda handing out consolation prizes, except for the inspirational quote from Kim Kardastrophe that they gave to Dame Judy Dench who didn’t win last night:

“Work harder.”

And now … the slap. Chris Rock is up to present BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … but first tells a few jokes. He tells one about Jada Pinkett Smith, who has shaved her head because she says she suffers from Alopecia, that she could star in the next GI Jane film, and the camera went in on the Smiths. Jada kinda smiled and then her face turned sour. Will,  on the other hand, laughed a bit, and then as the camera went back to the stage, Will Smith strides up  to Rock, and smacks him in the face; as he walked back, he was wearing that typical Smug Self-Serving Self-Satisfied  Smith Smile so I thought it was a joke until the show skipped and went mute. Luckily, I was on the laptop, and searched Twitter to find the footage, and Rock said:

“Wow, Will Smith just smacked the shit outta me.”

Will, back in the audience, screamed, twice:

“Keep my wife’s name out your fucking mouth.”

Chris said:

“Oh, I could … I …”

And I kinda wished he did. Will Smith is a pompous dick, who clearly smiled at the joke until, GI Jada told him she was upset and then he walked onstage in front of millions of people around the world and assaulted another man over a joke; a stupid joke, to be fair, but a joke. Now, the backstory goes that in 2016 Jada announced she was boycotting the Oscars after Will was snubbed and Chris Rock, hosting that year, made a joke about it, and clearly Will and Jada held onto that and this year, after a dumb joke, Will Smith chose to assault a man on live TV.

Twitter had a field day, with my favorite Tweet being about Will Smith asking Rock to keep his wife’s name out of his mouth even though he knows other men—including a friend of his son—have put Jada in their mouths. And another about how you can screw Will Smith’s wife, but you can’t joke about her hair.

Now, to again show what a smug self-self-self-satisfied prick Will Smith is, he stayed! If Jada was so offended and he was so irate, why not go home; why not take your wife’s hand and walk out, but he stayed because he wanted an Oscar more than he wanted to defend his wife’s honor over a joke.

Chris Rock, on the other hand, went on to present BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE to Summer of Soul [When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised], which Questlove accepted and gave a moving speech, before breaking down about his father’s passing, but it was darkened by little man, big ego.

Sean P. Diddy Puff Daddy Puffy Diddy Combs came out and said Will and Chris should settle it with love, and flash to Will and Jada laughing, Excuse me, but fuck them. Combs also paid tribute to the 50th anniversary of The Godfather after which Francis Ford Coppola, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino walked out onstage.

The In Memoriam, sung to a medley of I Will Remember You, Spirit In The Sky, Heaven [I’m Goin’ There], and a spoken word segment by Jill Scott, paid special tribute to several of those we lost this year, notably Betty White,  honored for her work with animals by Jamie Lee Curtis.

ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN went to Dune ..  and then Zoë Kravitz and perpetually scorching Jake Gyllenhaal present BEST ORIGINAL SONG to ‘No Time To Die’ Billie Eilish and Finneas. Billie cannot stop laughing and I can’t help but imagine how pissed Beyoncé was since she made a special movie about her song. Oh well, Bey, there’s always the wind machine.

Kevin Costner came out and gave a speech about seeing a movie that was as long as the show itself … yawn … then presented ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING to Jane Campion for The Power of the Dog. 

After that we get another tired grouping from an older movie with Uma Thurman, Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta from Pulp Fiction who presented OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE  to The Batterer, who cried and tried to turn the story of Richard Williams into one about protecting his family, and how Will was protecting his family … against a lame joke. And then he segued into how God wants him to work as a protector. Seriously, if protecting people means bitch=slapping someone because you’re butt hurt, I think you need a new God.

Oh, and … Fuck. All. The . Way. Off.

ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING for The Eyes of Tammy Faye … and then Amy Schumer came out and said she’d been getting out of the Spiderman costume and what happened and Will, the Batterer, laughed. She then made a joke about seat-fillers and claimed Kirsten Dunst is a seat-filler. She plops down beside Jesse Plemons, who reminds her that it was his wife Amy just sent away:

“Wait, your wife is a seat filler.”

Anthony Hopkins presents OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE to Jessica Chastain for The Eyes of Tammy Faye and she spoke eloquently to the LGBTQ+ community and how Tammy Faye stood up for us because, as she said, that’s what “Christians” do.

Lady Gaga is up last, with Liza Minelli, in a wheelchair, and clearly suffering some form of dementia, to present Best Picture. It makes me sad when the Oscars trot out these aging stars to present an award, and these people don’t seem to know where they are, or what they’re doing. The only sweet thing was Gaga looking at Liza and saying:

“I got you.”

I wish she’d gotten the academy not to use Liza like that.

Finally … BEST PICTURE Coda.

Interesting show, some surprises, some good jokes—Wanda, Amy and Regina—killed, and some lovely speeches, Troy Kotsur for one, and, you know, that assault by a little man. Thanks Will for making the show all about your ego and your wife’s ego, too.

Again, fuck off.