I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sharon Osborne is one of those faux-celebrities—you wouldn’t even know her name if she wasn’t Missus Ozzy Osbourne—that seem to think she comes off as just regular people like you and me.

She doesn’t.  Appearing on the Christmas special of the BBC show Would I Lie To You?, Sharon was tasked with telling a story and the other team would guess if her story was true or not; she says this is true:

“I once sacked a member of my staff because he showed absolutely no sense of humor during a house fire.”

Here’s what happened. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne started a fire in their mansion via an unattended candle, and, well, since she wouldn’t put all her plastic surgery at risk going back into the house to save her art collection, she sent in her assistant. He suffered smoke inhalation and when paramedics arrived, she ALLEGEDLY ripped the oxygen mask off his face and used it on her dog while ordering the assistant back inside the burning house.

Later, as she and Ozzy laughed about the whole thing, the assistant was not amused, and Missus Faux-Celebrity said:

“If you don’t think that’s funny, do you think this is funny? You’re fired.”

And, again, she swears that’s a true story. My Christmas wish is that the sacked employee gets a copy of the show and sues her ignorant ass for all she’s worth.

photo

This’ll be a short one.

Zac Efron was filming his new reality series in Papua New Guinea when he ALLEGEDLY contracted a “deadly illness” and had to be med-flighted to a hospital in Australia.

The name of Zac’s new series? 

Killing Zac Efron.

You cannot make this shiz up.

photo

If you’re a celebrity, your every little move is noticed and recorded, and so when you try to play fast and loose with your personal history, well, it’s not a good look.

Case in point: actress Michelle Williams. It appears that People Magazine recently did a piece on Williams and her pregnancy, and engagement to Hamilton director Thomas Kail and glossed over the fact that right about the time of the unprotected sexual contact resulting in the pregnancy both Williams and Kail were married to other people.

That omission led tabloid-ologists to speculate that the Williams’ camp gave the exclusive to People on the condition that they not mention the overlaps in relationships and getting knocked up.

Thomas Kail directed 5 of the 8 episodes of Fosse/Verdon, which began filming in November 2018. Michelle’s divorce from musician Phil Elverum came in April 2019, right about the same time Kail left his wife, actress Angela Christian.

That leaves a lot of wiggle room for some hot unprotected sex with someone other your spouse.

photo 1 photo 2 photo 3

Lock up your liquor cabinets and hide the car keys, Lohan is coming home to America.

During their New Year’s Eve special for CNN, Lindsay Lohan warned Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen that 2020 will have her coming back to the US. And then she said, again, and again, and then again, that she has a new film in the works and will also be managing her sister Ali’s music career.

Lohan can’t even manage to keep a car out of a ditch or her ass on a bar stool and she’s gonna manage someone else’s career?

Like I said, lock your doors and hide the keys.

Lohan is back. ALLEGEDLY.

photo

There could be no better way to ring in the New Year than by seeing Sandra Bernhard toss out the old snark and bring in the new.

The actress and comedian poked “good natured” fun at designer Donna Karan’s pricey Urban Zen store during her “Sandy’s Holiday Extravaganza: A Decade of Madness and Mayhem” show at Joe’s Pub.

“Karan met us with global love ideas and her sweeping new coffee table book, ‘African Twilight.’ There’s nothing more heartwarming at the holidays than stories about overprivileged children now in their 50s carting off rare artifacts from their parents’ house. I’ve had it up to here with white ladies and their foundations in Africa!”

A dig at gal pal Madge? Hmmmmm.

Then she unleashed other fabulous Bernhard bon mots:

“Like the Dalai Lama said . . . the closing of Barneys is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind.”

And riffed on selling her Studio City home:

“[It’s] right around the corner from Hortense. Is that Hortense? No, she’s always that way.”

She’ll be there all week.

photo

It's Snarkurday!

After last week’s ALLEGED shooting, or at least hostage-taking, incident at Chris Brown’s house, he announced he was done with partying at home.

I guess that means all the criminal activity will go back to the streets? Or maybe at USC; see, this week Chris showed up at Power 106’s annual All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday at USC started off refusing to stand for the National Anthem — he’s a dick, you know, but that’s his right, right?

But, rather than keeping his mouth shut during the anthem, Brown laughed with his friends and made faces at people because, you know, not an adult. And then he started a fight with a stranger because he believed the person was sitting where they shouldn’t sit … which would be near Chris Brown.

Eventually the police got involved and broke up the fight before Chris could go Full Metal Brown on anyone, but it begs the question: if he’s not gonna stay home and party do we need more police on the streets to protect strangers from this little bitch and his ego?

To prove that she’s not all brokenhearted over her break-up of her “fauxmance” with Tom Hiddleston, Taylor Swift went out last night … with a girlfriend who was on a date with her boyfriend.

I guess if she can’t get and keep a man, she’ll just go Third Wheel on your date.

Remember when music service Tidal hit last year and everyone was all, Ooh, Jay Z and Bey are the King and Queen of all things? Yeah, not so much. It’s ALLEGEDLY a disaster.

Tidal has let go of its CEO and 25 employees and then began firing others, and so now, Jay Z is said to be suing Tidal’s previous owners for inflating the number of subscribers they claimed they had.

Um, it’s called due diligence, Jay, meaning you should’a looked into it before you decided to make millions off it. Maybe you would have seen no subscribers and the millions of dollars lost last year.  And maybe you and Bey wouldn’t have to be downsizing from the gold chains and the weaves about now.

Amber Heard’s friend, the oddly named iO Tillett Wright has been dogging Johnny Depp all the way through the mess of Amber and Johnny’s marriage and divorce, even writing an essay about it last June.

iO said he lived with Amber and Johnny for about a year, and knew Johnny to be a gentle soul with a temper until drunken and drugged Jonny went nuts. And now iO is saying that it actually cost Amber money to be married to Johnny.

iO ALLEGEDLY is still very close with Amber but not so much with Johnny — shocking, right? — but says that when this d-i-saster of a marriage was finally allowed to die, and Amber was given $7 million — which she says she gave away to charity — iO is saying that never happened and that poor Amber had to pay all of her own legal fees.

Poor Amber. A couple of years ago no one even knew her name and now she’s all the rage, so if she had to pay her own legal bills to get out of her marriage, too bad, and if she didn’t get the $7 million, maybe she should have waited to give it all away and paid her own bills.

Back in 2015, Drake appeared on a track by Future called “Where Ya At” in which he rapped:

“I’ll buy the neighbor’s house if they complain about the noise.”

And apparently that’s true;  Drake bought a seven-bedroom mansion four years ago and this summer he bought the four-bedroom house next door.

Now, I dunno if he bought the house because the neighbors complained, but I would like to know if he wants to buy the house next to me, play his music loud and then buy my house.

Earlier we discussed Third Wheel Swifty going on date’s with her BFFs and their boyfriends and it looks like that is over before it became a habit … and an album of teenage angsty songs.

See, Swifty wants a new man and, like she did with Tom Hiddleston—setting her sights on him and hunting him down like a dentist on safari — Taylor Swift now wants Zac Efron.

A source — and you know it’s Swifty — says,“[Swift] has been talking about him nonstop since her breakup with Tom. She’s always said she feels a strong connection to Zac, but could never act on it because they’ve always been dating other people.”

Except when Calvin dumped her and she bagged Hiddleston; I guess Zac wasn’t on her radar then?

Seriously, isn’t there a law against serial murder, because Taylor Swift and her constant dating and breakups are murdering all of us with the "music" it makes.

For his part, though, Zac Efron is said to have gone into hiding until Taylor spots something shiny and loses interest in him.

So, Naya Rivera, formerly of Glee before she was fired, not-fired, doesn’t have much going on so she write a book! And she is spilling the tea.

In  2014, Naya was dating Big Sean — they were Kim and Kanye Lite — until their relationship ended because Big Sean liked to let Little Sean out to play … ALLEGEDLY.

But, right after breaking up with Naya, Big Sean started dating pipsqueaker, donut-licker Ariana Grande and in her new book, Sorry, Not Sorry, Naya is telling all about it.

Naya says she and Big Sean had been fighting for five days straight while he was away and when he returned home she went to see him, though he didn’t let her into his house; well, she sued her keys and says she walked into his home and spotted a “little girl” … oh, the shade of it all … on the couch listening to music.  Naya won’t say the girl’s name but actually did say it rhymes with, wait for it, “Smariana Schmande.”

Smariana Schmande! I love it.

And Naya also dishes on her former Glee co-star Smea Smichele — okay, she calls her out by her real name Lea Michelle — and admits they weren’t friend, especially after Naya’s role on the show became more prominent:

“As the show progressed, though, that friendship started to break down, especially as Santana moved from a background character to one with bigger plot lines and more screen time. I think Rachel – erm, I mean Lea – didn’t like sharing the spotlight … Lea and I definitely weren’t the best of friends, and I doubt we’ll ever sit on her couch and eat kale together again, but the rumors of our ‘feud’ were blown out of proportion.”

Yeah, I don’t think so. I think Smea Smichele might join forces with Smariana Schmande and do a Naya Rivera take-down.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Why dontcha grab a coffee and settle in, we've a lot to discuss ...

Now that her Oprah Winfrey reality show docu-series is over, it looks like Lindsay Lohan is panhandling for loose change.

And if you’re somewhat of a celebrity, that means doing the talk shows, where Lohan appeared this week on Ellen to say:

“I speak to her almost every day, and she’s just…she’s been so amazing to me. Just, you know, for everything, even before the show was coming out”

First off, you know that’s a lie. Take a walk over to the OWN website and look at their ‘Featured TV Show’ page and there is no mention of Lindsay so you know Big O ain’t rolling over to take that call.

I imagine Lohan in some drug-crazed, booze-addled blur, seeing Oprah on TV and she starts talking to the screen and counts that as conversation.

Just sayin’.

Boy oh boy, did Graydon Carter and Vanity Fair mess up that whole Gwyneth Paltrow conscious uncoupling mess … Gimme a sec, I laugh so hard I snort when I type the words ‘conscious uncoupling’ because obviously for Dame Gwynnie — a name she probably calls herself when she combs her weave at the top of her ivory tower — separation and divorce are for peasants.

Anyhoo, the New York Daily News is saying that Graydon had the scoop on the Gwynnie-Chrissy separation and that Paltrow  got Carter to bury it by offering him a free $2300 t-shirt from Goop … or something.

Poor Graydon’s probably kicking himself for letting the Take Down article slide.

So, there was a story out a few weeks back that Eddie Cibrian — the man who f**ked a married LeAnn Rimes on a movie set while he was still married to Brandi Glanville and then married her — was asking Brandi for child support. I know Brandi leaked the story which made me think it wasn’t true, but then Star magazine has this story:

Eddie and LeAnn are broke. And here’s why …

• LeAnn hasn’t had a hit album since 2007; her most recent, ‘Spitfire’, bombed worse than a Lohan feature film, and her contract with Curb Records is dead and no new deal is in the offing.
• Eddie — who’s basically a pretty boy TV actor — has run through LeAnn’s money like it was his own, buying cars, motorcycles, boats, watches and extravagant trips.
• LeAnn has also been blowing money on plastic surgery; she has ALLEGEDLY gotten abdominal implants to create a six-pack, had her eyes done again, her lips plumped, her breasts done, and she gets fillers and Botox.
• LeAnn is worried that if she doesn’t bring in more money, Eddie will dump her and pick up with a new piece, and she doesn’t dare get pregnant, because the last time Eddie had a pregnant wife he cheated on her … with LeAnn.
• The VH1 reality show Eddie and LeAnn are filming to make some extra dough is making Eddie miserable because, as a friend says, he’s “intensely private” and doesn’t want cameras following him around all day … in case he cheats, you know, again.
• LeAnn has been scrambling to cut costs by wearing the same old clothes she’s been seen in many times before, and she’s said to be thinking of cutting off the allowances she pays both her parents and Eddie’s folks.

I’m thinking one day soon Eddie and LeAnn will be hitting Brandi up for a loan, because she’s got real Housewives money, she’s “written” two best sellers, and soon she’ll be on Celebrity Apprentice, while Eddie and LeAnn are eating Ramen out of Styrofoam cups.

More Gwynnie? You know she’s loving all the attention being consciously uncoupled is bringing her and yet every time she opens her mouth a wee bit of her arrogance falls out and dribbles down her chin like … I’ll leave that to your imagination.

So Paltrow did an interview with E! before she and Chris parted ways, and how she has a tough life being a mommy and a working actress and having a Live Like Me Or Die website and being the new face — I laugh because, seriously? Gwyneth? New face? Maybe two faced — of natural skin care line Restorsea, and she said:

 “I just finished a movie in January that I was doing at the end of last year in London with Johnny Depp, and then I had two weeks here, and then I did a couple of episodes for Glee for the 100th episode. So I have to go back to mommy…I have a rule about one movie a year, so I can’t shoot anything for a while, but I’m developing some material and working on the site [Goop] and raising kids.”

Is that a self-imposed rule, or is that just generally how Hollywood feels about Paltrow? But let’s let Gwynnie dig her own hole:

 “It’s much harder for me. I feel like I set it up in a way that makes it difficult because…for me, like if I miss a school run, they are like, ‘Where were you?’ I don’t like to be the lead [in a movie] so I don’t [have] to work every day, you know, I have little things that I like and obviously I want it to be good and challenging and interesting and be with good people and that kind of thing.”

And stop … She doesn’t like lead roles in movies because no studio wants a Paltrow-driven film because you know it would go straight to VOD. But then Paltrow steps all the way in it:

“I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening. When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”

It must be so hard to be paid millions of dollars working a few weeks a year and having nannies for her kids, eh? And so much harder than a mother who has, say, an office job, where she has to go every single day, and work for pennies compared to a Paltrow check.

Seriously, I think Martin left because the bullsh*t was getting so deep you couldn’t walk into the house.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan “accidentally” left the list of her lovers in a bar a few weeks back? One of the names that wasn’t there—or was blurred out by InTouch for fear of a lawsuit—was Leonardo DiCaprio.

Huh? Lindsay and Leo? What? When? Where? Well, it was back before rehabs 4, 5, 6, and 7, in 2008, when Lindsay was still a cracktress and people still thought she’d get her act together. It was during that time that Lindsay had an on-and-off relationship with Samantha Ronson, but one night Lindsay found herself without Sam and tried to hook-up with Leo. Now, we’ll never know if that actually happened, because even Leo wouldn’t admit to tapping Lohan, but we do know that just last month, Lindsay bluffed her way into an event hosted by Leo, and began acting like a fallen rehab star and Leo had her removed.

An eyewitness — possibly Lohan who was so high she didn’t know she was gossiping about herself — says, “Lindsay wasn’t even invited, but she still showed up. Being a nice guy, Leo allowed her in. [But then] she was whining about everything, like not having a place to sit or not wanting certain people near her… if she doesn’t have all the attention, she throws tantrums. It became such an annoyance; he made a buddy kick her out 15 minutes after she arrived.”

It’s getting bad when Lohan gets kicked out of a party for whining, because in the old days she’d get kicked out for running someone over with her car.

Times.Have.Changed.

So Zac Efron and the band of transients who attacked him when he was in LA’s Skid Row section of downtown not looking to buy drugs …

The “bodyguard” who was with Zac has been telling his side of the story and it’s more far-fetched than a Quentin Tarantino movie. The “bodyguard,” who wishes to remain anonymous, possibly because of his criminal history of drug and violence arrests … go figure … and who is probably, ALLEGEDLY, less bodyguard and more, shall we say, procurer of illegal substances, tells his story:

He says he and Zac were just cruising around Skid Row, you know, for kicks, but then he readjusts the story to say they were going to a sushi restaurant, when the car ran out of gas and rolled to a stop at the bottom of an off-ramp. He says three homeless guys attacked him with a spear-like shank, stabbing him in the face, stomach and chest, and then says Zac jumped out of the car with a vodka bottle in his hand and swung it at the homeless dudes hoping they’d stop stabbing his “bodyguard” and that’s when the cops arrived.

Funny, though, because Zac’s story is that they were looking for “food” when the car broke down, and while waiting for AAA, Zac threw a bottle — a vodka bottle, I heard — out the window, which broke and got glass on a bum who came at the car.

The bodyguard’s story sounds less like a true story and more like a scene from an Arnold Schwarzenegger time-traveling robot movie.

Gurl better get his story straight.

So, let’s dish about the Kim and Kanye Vogue cover, which may or may not have cost him the remainder of his soul sold to Ann Wintour.

Aaron de Mey, who did Kardastrophe’s makeup for the shoot has revealed, wait for it, that baby NorthSouthEast West, did not require any make-up, or even, :::gasp::: foundation for the shoot.

And if that isn’t the height of hilarity, he then said that he  never tried any crazy looks on Kim before deciding on the theme of the shoot because, wait for it :::gasp::: she’s so “naturally gorgeous” and they wanted to highlight that.

That’s Kim Kardastrophe there, looking “natural” a few years ago, and more “natural” now.

And howsabout That Woman?She wants to pose nude for Playboy. I know, I threw up a little lot, too.

A source — and you know it’s That Woman herself — says That Woman feels her body, at age 107, is Playboy ready and thinks everyone wants to see where the Kardastrophes erupted from in glorious Technicolor:

 “Kris has been talking about posing for Playboy magazine for a while now. She’s in the best shape of her life and is keen to show it off. The [:::cough cough::: photo-shopped] bikini shot she posted on Instagram recently was well so received that she’s said, ‘Why not?’”

First we heard the story of That Woman ‘s leaked sex tape — hoping it would generate as much of a “career” bump as it did for her daughter — and now this?

I just can’t with That Woman.

More Zac?

It seems that Zac’s friends — and by friends, I don’t mean bodyguards and drug addicts—are worried sick about him,, after this latest mess. They aren’t buying the Cruising For Sushi story any more than anyone else is because, they say Zac’s a loner who rarely goes out and the idea of him driving to some Skid Row sushi restaurant after midnight is a joke.

Plus, law enforcement sources say that the “bodyguard” was not bleeding at all that night, despite saying he’d been shanked in the face and neck.

The changing of the stories from day to day, minute by minute, only make it looks worse for Zac, especially on the heels of the news that, although he said he was in rehab last year for an “issue” with drugs—like heroin—Efron really just stayed at home and had in-house rehab.

And then, in an ALLEGEDLY drugged out stupor, slipped and broke his jaw.

Zac needs to stop now before he and Lohan get into some sort of cracked-out-death-match struggle for the most inane stories about their drunk and drugged antics.

More Gwynnie? I know, but she’s hot snark this week …

A while back I told y’all about how much her neighbors in London hated her because she was buying up all the houses around her so she could create her own Fortress of Solitude, and how thrilled everyone in the UK was when Gwynnie loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly … Hills, that is …swimming pools and movie stars!

Well, it appears it wasn’t just the Brits who loathe Goop, her new LA neighbors have already had it with her and their main complaint is that Goop and Chris Martin — pre-conscious uncoupling — erected a huge black gate on their property which violated both community standards and zoning laws. The neighbors asked Goop to remove it and she said, “I can’t because the moat night over flow if I do” or something like that.

According to neighbors, right after the Goop-Martins bought the house in 2012, they immediately planted four layers of huge fir trees surrounding the property and installed a huge nine-foot black gate that violated zoning laws. A complaint was filed with the LA Department of Building and Safety, but the gate stays up. The couple should have replaced it with a smaller gate within 45 days or incurred a $900 fine because the height for gates in that area is just 3.5ft … five feet shorter than the one the couple built.

Now, I’d have no problem with a gate if it was built to keep Gwynnie in.

Rihanna has been pretty quiet lately, but then she always stays out of the headlines when she’s boning Drake, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss.

After appearing in the disastrously bad, critically panned, financially bombing, Battleship a few years back, Rihanna has decided she’s still and actress and wants to be taken seriously now. But one place you will never see Rihanna onscreen is in a Tyler Perry movie because she doesn’t consider him capable of boosting her “acting” career, and it seems that the late Whitney Houston has something to do with it.

According to the source, before Houston’s death in 2012, Rihanna met the diva at a party and got her take on Perry’s movies, which include the Madea films, Why Did I Get Married? and the recent Single Moms Club:

“Whitney put her off Tyler by warning her bluntly that ‘Tyler’s films are for fading black stars, not rising ones.’”

Janet Jackson, say what?

Still, Rihanna picked the “role” in Battleship  to launch her career, so, yeah, there’s that.

More Lohan? Always!

It seems that, while shopping at Rag & Bone in Soho, Lohan actually wanted to pay for her clothes and not just slip them into an oversized duffle and make a dash for the door.

Big mistake. Huge.

Her credit cards — yes, cards — were declined; every one of them. Luckily a friend stepped in to pay the $300 because otherwise Lohan might have been charged a restocking fee, too.

I guess that 2 million O gave her is already gone?

It seems that Nickelodeon star Jennette McCurdy got into a little hot water with the network this week  when photos of her clad in her underwear were “leaked’ to the internet.

Sources say it was her one-time, short-term, boyfriend, basketball player Andre Drummond who leaked the photos because Jennette says she took the selfies but only sent them to “one person.”

Jennette, who stars on the network’s Sam & Cat show with Ariana Grande, is not a child, though — she recently turned twenty-one — but Nickelodeon has halted production on her show in the wake of the photo mini-scandal.

Not so, though, says, Jennette, who was noticeably absent from the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards last weekend. She Tweeted her fan—I kid, she’s probably got at least two—to say she boycotted the show because of some drama between her and Nickelodeon and not because her Kitten With A Whip selfie.

She’s renegotiating her deal for the second season and wants to get paid as much as Grande so she decided that since the network is balking at her request, she’d park her thong-wearing butt at home.

And the truth is that Nickelodeon should give her a huge raise because until I saw that picture I had no idea what a Jennette McCurdy was , or even what a Sam & Cat was, so her little sexy pictures raised her Q rating, no?

I mean, isn’t that what we learned from the Kardastrophes? No talent, no problem; leak sexy pictures or videos and a career ye shall have!

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

One surefire way to show people that same-sex marriage is no different that opposite-sex marriage is to look into a same-sex divorce, celebrity style. And I’m talkin' 'bout you, Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov.

Not a lot of folks care about this divorce, and let's be queer, it's not because they're gay it's because one's a former figure skater and one's somebody no one knows, but the stories about the pair just keep spreading; such as, tales of domestic violence, money issues, lies and betrayal.

Johnny is claiming that the divorce is happening because he's tired of paying all the bills around Chez Weir-Voronov, while Victor says the divorce came as a shock to him, though how could he be surprised when he said he'd only seen Johnny twice in two months?

But then Johnny tosses out the abuse allegations with this: 

“We were fighting in such a terrible way and it did get physical ... it’s unfortunate that things went the way that it did because domestic violence is never the way to go. The damage that was done to me mentally was crippling.”

And yet, um, Johnny, weren't you the one charged with biting Victor? In that case that was dismissed when you both showed up to court last month to ask that the charges be dropped?

Voronov’s rep Wendy Feldman says Voronov “feels duped,” by Weir, who “had the [divorce] papers drawn up a day prior to the Olympics and filed right after” so as not to besmirch his reputation — let that marinate a second — while he was commenting on ice skaters.

And then comes the news that Johnny thinks Victor is going to do something to “get back at him.”  Johnny believes Victor is trying to shake him down for money, saying Victor demanded $25,000 plus spousal support, or else he would go to the media and “tell all.” 

That oughta be juicy. But the best part of this whole mess is the email that Johnny actually sent to Victor after he filed the divorce papers, in which Johnny begged Victor not to hurt his ... wait for it ... it's spectacular ... his purses.

I know!

I guess when you sell your soul to reality TV and then your marriage falls apart because your husband can’t keep his d**k in his pants, why not sell that as a show.

Tori keeps talking about how she and Dean are trying to work on their marriage, but their idea of work isn’t quite the same as everyone else’s.

Now, to be fair, Tori's had it tough recently; I mean, her husband was out banging randoms on a daily basis and went to rehab — Banging Randoms Rehab? — for it, and she lost her retail store and admitted that she and Dean were broke. What to do? What to do?

I know! Pitch a reality show about how you’re trying to save your marriage — and call it something like Tori & Dean” Coming Back To Life … seriously — or see if you can get a spot on VH1’s Couple’s Therapy.

Yeah, nothing says this is a real marriage with real problems like trying to sell those problems to a basic cable channel.

So, Halle Berry was married a few times and divorced a few times, and then hooked up with a male model, had a baby, dumped him, fell in love with French actor Olivier Martinez, got knocked up, married him, and now it appears that that marriage is over.

Methinks Halle ought to sit out the dating and marriage game.

Halle is in Hollywood now because the Oscar winner will be shooting a TV show called Extant, with the dreamy Goran Visnjic and there is talk that Olivier thinks Halle and Goran are getting too close.

Well, that would be shocking!

And now Halle is out on red carpets everywhere doing the Let’s Ease Into The Breakup Talk Two-Step by not wearing her wedding ring. Bit, Olivier isn’t quite so subtle; he’s still wearing his ring but he’s moved out of their house.

He thinks Halle is too focused on work and losing the baby weight instead of their family, and he’d like her to join him in the relationship/marriage again. But Halle says he isn’t being civil to her — which is the same song Halle play with every guy she dates and marries then dumps — and she wants him out of the house until he can play nice.

I wonder how much help Olivier will get from Halle’s other baby daddy, Gabriel Aubrey, when he fights for custody?

While a judge ruled that Chris Brown  needs to stay locked up like the thug he is until an a hearing in late April — because he violated his probation yet again by getting the rehab boot — we all know that Chrissy don’t think the rules apply to him.

While the judge says the outcome of his upcoming DC assault case will determine just how long he’s in jail, Brown’s willing to fork out some big money to get the victim to recant his story so Chris can roam free and beat someone else up and then go back to rehab and jail.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

It seems Chrissy’s lawyer, Mark Geragos has contacted the lawyer for the man who claims Chris and his bodyguard attacked him and broke his nose, and Geragos offered a handsome payday.

If the guy accepts it, then that case is dropped, the judge in LA will have no reason to hold Chris, and quicker than you can say Ow! My nose! Chrissy’s outta jail.

But for how long, because this is Chris Brown after all, and he’ll probably beat up somebody in the prison visitor’s room on his way out the door.

Pity poor bobble-headed Giuliana Rancic. With no discernible talent, and no degree in fashion — much less a sense of it — she’s carved herself quite the little niche as an E! channel reporter and member of the The Fashion Police.

I say pity her because Rancic recently visited Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens and blasted Russell Crowe for being the worst interview ever … probably because Crowe wouldn’t talk about her dress and jewels and shoes and bag:

 “[He] was so mean to me. I had been at E! for a year, and I literally was like, ‘I’m gonna go easy because he’s pretty tough.’ And so I said, ‘Are you excited to be here tonight? Your big movie premiere?’ And he goes, ‘I’m contractually obligated to be here. What’s your next question?’ And I go ‘Um, isn’t it wonderful seeing all the fans?’ And he goes, ‘That’s your second question? 1, 2, you’re through!’ And walked away.”

Huh. Hard-hitting questions, and quite possibly the same asshatted questions Crowe had been getting all day long from everyone and this member of the Lollipop Heads asks them again as though they have never been asked before.

I’m Team Crowe on this one and not just because I’m afraid he’’ Naomi Campbell me with a phone.

Speaking of Naomi … how’s that for a segue?

The supermodeling, phone throwing, assistant beating diva, Naomi Campbell, recently paid a visit to Australia’s The Morning Show and as a member of the Vogue Covergirl Club, she was asked about the Kardastrophe that happened to Vogue this month.

Interviewer: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?

Naomi: I do not want to comment.

Interviewer: Why?

Naomi: [literally cackling] Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?

Interviewer: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?

Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?

Kylie: Well, I just did.

Naomi smiled subtly and reached for her Blackberry …

More drama in the Charlie Sheen I’m-Marrying-A-Porn-Star-Who-Hates-One-Of-My-Ex-Wives drama.

It’s been two months now since Sheen stopped paying ex-wife, and mother to two of his thirty four children … I kid, or do I, Denise Richards, the court0ordered $55,000 a month. And meanwhile, Charlie has been squiring his porn star fiancée Brett Rossi all over the globe in private jets and on lavish vacations and giving her gold plated dildoes or something to keep her occupied.

And he’s doing it because Brett told him to, because Denise doesn’t want him and Rossi to have unsupervised visits with their children.

Charlie is also trying to kick Denise out of the home she shares with her daughters, which will force them to switch schools or face an hour commute each way, but who is he really hurting? Yeah, his kids, but he’s probably too cracked up to realize that, and he ALLEGEDLY to cracked up to notice that Brett is the one holding the purse strings now.

Now, Charlie’s mouthpiece declares that Sheen has “paid child support to Denise. Your information is incorrect” but he wouldn’t comment on whether Charlie paid the 55K or two-dollars. And then another source — possibly Brett, flat on her back, heels to God — says he hasn’t paid any child support and won’t.

As I’ve said before, I cannot wait until the day the porn star gets dumped by Charlie, possibly for a sexually active Girl Scout, and she has to scratch and claw to get her 55K a month to support the 4, or 34, children she had with him.

So, Gwyneth Paltrow, perfect little Gwynnie, who created a website to tell everyone how to live the perfect Gwynnie lifestyle, is getting divorced.

Is it because she’s an unrepentant snob who thinks a $2,000 t-shirt is a must have? Is it because she’s been accused to schtupping at least two different men? Is it because Chris Martin got a look at that ALLEGED take-down piece from Vanity Fair and realized he was, in fact, married to Lucifer’s Mistress?

No one knows, because in typical Gwyneth speak the two are not separating and headed for divorce; they are … wait for it … it’s high-larious because only Gwyneth Paltrow would phrase it like this … they are Consciously Uncoupling because Separation and Divorce are for peasants!.

And in typical Goop fashion she and Martin took their children, Pomegranate and Bathsheba, to the Bahamas so they could have a Family Vacation, AKA Mommy and Daddy are Uncoupling Kids day at the beach.

That’s nice, but after the divorce, and Gwyneth can paint it in whatever pastel colors she wants, it’s still a divorce, she and Chris will be wonderfully co-parenting their children on two separate continents. See, Gwyneth wants to love in LA because in LA she thinks she’s a star, while Martin wants to move home to London where they lived for ten years until Gwyneth realized most people were like, Who’s Gwyneth Paltrow and why is she with Chris Martin?

Here’s the message Gwyneth put on her Goop website because that’s how everyone should announce to the world that they are doing the Conscious Uncoupling:

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love, 
Gwyneth & Chris”

Closer than ever? Oh, Gwynnie, even you can't spin that into the truth.

Remember last summer when we learned that Zac Efron had sent time in rehab for a drug problem? And then, after rehab, he broke his jaw, and had to have it wired, because he slipped on water in his house and not because he was as high as a kite?

Yeah, it all sounds as plausible as this story: Efron says he was attacked over the weekend by a sketchy person after he and his bodyguard got stuck in the Skid Row area of downtown Los Angeles.

Efron told police that he and the bodyguard had “run out of gas” … in Skid Row … and were “sitting in their car” … in Skid Row …  waiting for a tow truck and, while waiting, they threw a bottle out of the window of the car and it happened to smash on the pavement near a group of “transients” … in Skid Row.

The “transients,” thinking the bottle had been thrown at them, came over to the car to confront Efron and Bodyguard; the bodyguard was then attacked by two “transients’ and when Efron got out of the car to help he was punched in the mouth.

 “It was the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” Zac told police.

But no one was arrested as the cops felt it was a mutual combat.

Does anyone else think it’s high-larious that a famous celebrity, fresh from rehab, just happened to be driving through Skid Row and ran out of gas and was jumped by hobos? Or, maybe there was some drug deal going down that went south and fists ALLEGEDLY flew.

This story kills me.

Joan Rivers has a web show called In Bed With Joan where she interviews all kinds of celebrities, former celebrities, and celebrity wannabes, in bed.

Well, this week she interviewed Ray J, best known for having sex with Kim Kardastrophe, and peeing on her in the process, on camera. And leave it to Joan, but she and Ray J reenacted the Kim Kardastrophe sex tape for the show and that’s when, all over the world, birds instantly fell dead from the skies as Kim Kardastrophe shrieked to the high heavens:

Kanyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And then to make it all the much worse, one Khloe Kardastrophe, who had been booked to appear on In Bed With Joan, suddenly canceled at the last minute.

Which I find high-larious because we wouldn’t even know what a Khloe Kardastrophe was if her sister hadn’t decided to f**k on camera and then let her mother, That Woman, sell it to the highest bidding porn house.

Just sayin’.