Ruminations On A Month Away ...

First up, the header up there is the family of deer that visited my father’s house every afternoon to eat apples, both on the ground and from the tree. You could actually get quite close to them, though they watched you carefully, and were so graceful and peaceful. It was a nice way to spend the mornings, waiting for their arrival.

I was happy to be able to go out to Oregon and help my Dad before, during and after surgery. I was happy that my boss, when I walked up to him and asked for five weeks off—starting in two weeks—simply said, ‘Do what you need to do. We’ll be waiting for you when you get back.’

That said … I went all Seinfeld while I was gone. I calculated how many hours I slept each night and then took that number of days off my stay. Ten days? That’s eighty hours of sleep. And that 3 days and eight hours, so really, it’s just six days.

The hospital where Dad had his surgery was more like a high-end hotel. I mean, there was a lady playing a grand piano in the lobby and there was an actual restaurant—not a cafeteria—in the place. Even the rooms had views, and except for the medical equipment, I might have checked in for a stay myself.

This is ‘The New Ankle.’ In the right image, those screws are from when he broke the ankle about eight years back; the new ankle is where they drilled a hole in the bone and inserted the new ankle, with a bottom piece screwed into his foot. All I can see when I look at this is ‘Ouch.’

Oh … and his doctor was adorable. So much so that I almost asked for an ankle replacement myself. Or, at the very least, a consultation.

I’ve had it with “thoughts and prayers” and am ready for substantive gun laws. Anyone … anyone … who thinks it should be okay to own a weapon that killed 9 people in 30 seconds should be notched under the Red Flag laws because they are too insane to own a firearm.

I’m glad there’s a discernible shift between black and brown mass murderers being terrorist, while white mass murderers are called insane. Shooting up a church, a movie theater, a Walmart, a bar, a mosque, a synagogue is all terror, no matter the color of the shooter.

While I loved helping my dad out, there was that moment, or moments, when I was over it. Most notably the day we were leaving a doctor’s appointment and he had so annoyed me that while I was pushing him in his wheelchair down a ramp, I suddenly envisioned myself as Baby Jane Hudson pushing sister Blanche down a flight of stairs. What can I say …?

I had to return a pair of crutches my father had ordered to a medical supply company because they were too tall for him; he used to be over six feet tall, and now he’s 5’11”. I took the pair back and asked for another size, which they didn’t have, but could order. By the time I returned to my Dad’s house, they’d called to say they had the crutches, so I picked them up the next day. But the crutches were not going to work getting my father up the stairs, so I had to return this other pair, too. As I explained to the women at the medical supply company, I was my usual polite self, causing one of the women to ask where I lived. I said, “South Carolina” and one woman looked at the other and said, “It figures. That’s why he’s so polite.” I laughed, and then explained that I was so polite because my mother was Southern, and my father was military.

I’m over racists in the White House and anyone …anyone … who stands with him. If you like _____ because you got a tax break but can turn a blind eye, and deaf ear, to his hate speech, then, yeah, in my mind you’re a racist too, because you’re selling out black and brown people, not to mention kids in cages, for a few more coins in your bank account.

On that note, Anthony Scaramucci? Your Fifteen Minutes were up on Day Eleven when you got fired from the White House and ran to Celebrity Big Brother. If you expect me to buy that you loathe _____ now, I don’t. You’re just searching for a way to get you mug on TV. Go.The fuck.Away.

My dad is an avid news watcher and so I watched, too, as he recorded all the news shows he liked and watched them while recovering. Now, he was interested in the news, while I was interested in the Hot Mens reporting the news, like … clockwise from the top right … Jeremy Diamond Craig Melvin, Jacob Soboroff, Phil Mattingly, Andrew Scholes, and Alex Marquardt.

And then, in the wake of the El Paso shooting was Hot Texas Congressman Cesar Blanco. Hot, and compassionate, and passionate about doing something about guns in America and racists in the White House.

Finally, Carlos. I don’t think I’ve ever missed someone so much in my life. We’ve taken time away from each other, whether for work, or family business and the other couldn’t get away, but  31 days was quite the long stretch. And we had a very nice reunion, steamy, you might say, and spent about five days together, just us; perfection. 

I’ve never been so happy to see someone in my life, well, except for maybe Tuxedo who came running to the door when we got home and leaped to the back of a chair so I could pick him up and give him smooches. As is his way, Carlos didn't want his picture up, so you'll have to make do with Tucky.

Lastly, the things we've seen and heard this last month? You all have a choice to make next year if we want to make a change from being the country that forces other countries to tell their citizens not to visit because we have a gun problem, or being the country that fixes it.

And that was my month, more or less …

The Funny Papers

Steve Sack, Clay Bennett, Gary Varvel, Mike Luckovich, Steve Benson, Stuart Carlson, Bill Day, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson

It's Snarkurday!

We haven’t heard a lot from Kanye lately, perhaps because his meds are, well, were, balanced and working. But now, after his—as The Queen might call it—annus horribilis ... not bad anus, but horrible year ... Kanye is ready to make someone pay.

Namely his insurance company; yup, Kanye is suing Lloyd’s of London $10 million he says he’s owed because he had a mental breakdown last year after cancelling his last tour.

It all started last year with the highly publicized “jewel heist” in Paris when Missus Yeezy had her costume jewelry stolen; that made Kanye cancel two shows and he wants to be reimbursed. But then came his, not one, but two, onstage, Dear Baby Jeebus he’s lost his mind moments in both San Jose and Sacramento before finally putting the tour, and his audiences, out of their misery and checking into the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital Center.

Two days later, while still being cared for crazy, he submitted the first of his loss claims to Lloyd’s, though now Kanye says he hasn’t seen a penny.

The suit goes on to say Lloyd’s have not “provided anything approaching a coherent explanation about why they have not paid” but that they have implied that “Kanye’s use of marijuana may provide them with a basis to deny the claim.”

Look, here’s the deal, Yeezy, your wife had a meltdown after a robbery and you took time off; you don’t get paid for that, it’s called being a husband. Then you freaked out on your audience—who paid to see you, though I have no good reason for that—and you want more money for ranting and stomping off-stage and checking into a hospital to determine you’re crazy, though you were ALLEGEDLY sane enough to file a claim from your bed?

Yup, you Krazy.

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Anthony Scaramucci, we hardly knewcci.

I stole that from Twitter.

Anyway ... like a once bright shining star that burned too hot, and died too soon, The Mooch is gone, and before we knew what happened; or do we?

See, what had happened was that The Married Mooch’s relationship with Fox news correspondent Kimberly Guilfoyle may have been one of the reasons for his ouster.

It appears that, since The Mooch was dating the Fox news blonde, that certain gossip sites had begun looking into White House shenanigans, like the dinner The mooch and The Mistress attended at the White House that was leaked to the press and lead to Scaramucci’s “tirade” about, um, well, servicing his own Little Mooch.

See, the gossip sites wanted the real deal behind why The Mooch was out and about dating when his wife, nine months pregnant, was about to give birth.

Yup, when a man squires his jump-off to the White House while his wife is giving birth to his child, people talk, and maybe the White House needed one less scandal. And, as of this week, Anthony, who sent a text to his wife congratulating her on giving birth to their child, still has not seen his new born.

But, you know, he’s been busy trying to sell his ten-minute story to the news media.

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Remember when Aretha Franklin faxed her displeasure with Dionne Warwick over some lingering beef from Whitney Houston’s funeral? I mean, the fight was real, but it was the idea that RiRi faxed the info to the press that was high-larious, because I thought she’d send a telegram.

Well, now Franklin maybe ponying up some cash to get the Pony Express the relay her next story: her feud with Patti LaBelle.

LaBelle has an interview with PrideSource—she has a new jazz album, Bel Hommage, to peddle—and it seems to go along the lines of an interview she gave back in 2014, where she claimed she was no longer a “diva” because “all these little heifers who can’t sing are called divas.”

Now, in case you forgot, the original beef between LaBelle and Franklin was pie ... and chili. See, Pattie began going door-to-door hawking her Sweet Potato Pie and so Aretha got all up in the frozen food biz and began driving around the country selling Aretha’s Chili, Gumbo, Chicken, and Desserts. Patti gave a five-octave, Oh hell nooooooooooooooooooooooo and it was on.

Patti said in that interview:

“Now, there are a lot of ladies in this industry who don’t care for Patti LaBelle but I look at them and I smile. Because what can I do? I can’t change your mind, boo, because I don’t wanna change your mind. You go on thinkin’ about me the way you think.”

In case you missed it, ‘boo’ is Franklin and, in this case, ‘boo’ means you best watch your step Franklin or else I’ll snatch that wig off your head and those dead animals skins off your back.

Still, why not do us all a favor, stop cooking, shut up and sing.

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Queen Elizabeth II is 91 years old and maybe she’s lived this long because she follows one strict rule; alcohol. Yup, she’s pickled. Well, she gets pickled ion a daily basis.

Business Insider has a list of all the things The Queen likes to eat and drink in a day, like the usual suspects, tea and biscuits, toast and marmalade, tea sandwiches.

But it’s her cocktails that are interesting: The Queen has four drinks a day ... or drinks four times a day ... and ALLEGEDLY starts before noon with a Dubonnet and gin with a slice of lemon. That’s right, booze on booze; I bow down to this Queen. 

Then she has wine with lunch, followed by a dry gin martini and after dinner, she has a glass of champagne.

Wait; what happened to the before dinner drinks and the during dinner wines? I think maybe the Queen has a bit more than four, and , yeah, I’ll party with her.

Maybe, if I get her drunk enough, she’ll let me wear one of her hats ... and tell Prince Harry to sit on my lap.

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Speaking of getting your drunk on ... didn’t Ben Affleck spend some time in rehab last year for alcohol abuse? Then please to explain why Ben and his girlfriend of three months years, Lindsay Shookus, were spotted at a liquor store in Maine.

Both Radar and People report that Ben and Lindsay were spotted at the Umbrella Factory liquor store in Naples, Maine on Sunday. But, maybe he had nothing to hide, because NotBatmanAnymore Affleck posed for pictures with a store employee.

And the best part is the employee posted the picture to social media and then added other pictures from the store security camera, of Ben and Lindsay, Bindsay? Afflookus? in the store the day before.

And, to be fair, an alcoholic in a liquor store isn’t an automatic relapse. Maybe he was just helping Lindsay with her stash?

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Ever since The Beauty And The Beast live-action remake shocked everyone by not being a Big Budget D-I-Saster, everyone has been tossing around live-action remakes of Disney movies. 

Lin Manuel-Miranda is ALLEGEDLY bringing The Live-Action Little Mermaid to the screen, and Will “I’m No Scientologist” Smith has signed on to be the genie in an Aladdin reboot.

Robin Williams be damned, I say.

But now comes word that Beyoncé is close to signing a deal to voice Nala in The Lion King and that Disney is expected to fork over $25 million for it. Seriously? For $25 million you don’t get the ass-shaking, weave-whipping, fierce-grunting Bey? You just get lip-syncing Beyoncé?

Walt Disney’s frozen head must be spinning in his cryogenic freezer.

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So, back in 2013, ex-Real Housewife Brandi Glanville appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked her about some story she’d told once about fellow ex-Real House Joanna Krupa having a smelly, um, er, well, it’s the Age of _____ so, pussy.

Brandi says ex-Real Housewife Yolanda Foster’s ex-husband, Mohamed Hadid, told her that he’d slept with Krupa and she smelled bad ... down there. He's quite the gentleman. So, Brandi took the tale to TV and the world and Krupa took her to court, though that begs the question:

How does one prove their vah-jay-jay don’t stink and how do I avoid that jury duty.

Doody. Hee hee. Brandi demanded a “trial by jury” and Krupa wasn’t walking away, so it looked like this mess would happen but ... it’s case closed now.

The feuding reality “stars” have reached an out-of-court settlement with the stipulations remaining confidential, though Krupa’s lawyers say she’s pleased with the outcome and Brandi eating ... no, not that ... crow:

“I want to apologize to Joanna Krupa for the statements I have made about her. I regret making such statements about Joanna Krupa; I also certainly never intended my statements to be taken so seriously and out of proportion. I apologize as I never wanted my statements to affect Joanna Krupa’s reputation and I wish her nothing but continued success in life.”

Wow. I never thought Brandi would back down! Perhaps she stopped drinking for half a minute and realized she’d never win that case unless she took a trip ... down there ... in court.

Ick.

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More Beyoncé ... back in February, the family of Anthony Barré, AKA Messy Mya, filed a suit against Beyoncé for using his voice in her song Formation.

Messy Mya was murdered in 2010 and then Beyoncé used samples of his voice in her song with no citation, no credit, no permission and no coins. And so the family sued, but since Beyoncé believes all she does is right, even stealing the art of a dead person for her own personal bank account, she filed to dismiss the case and went on about her business.

Not so fast, gurl, said Judge Nannette Jolivette Brown, who denied the request.

At this stage facts ALLEGED by the plaintiff are deemed true, and Brown found that Barre had made a case that Beyoncé’s use of the clips was not transformative and that, although the samples were short, it was a “qualitatively significant” use. She also notes that a motion to dismiss for failure to state a claim, like this one, is “viewed with disfavor and is rarely granted.”

In other words, Beyoncé may think she’s all that, but Judge Brown say, Not today, Satan.

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So, Silver Foxes, the Golden Girls homage featuring aging homosexuals, is as dead as Sophia’s cooch. And Hollywood homophobia is ALLEGEDLY to blame!

The creators are saying that Hollywood is shutting doors on Foxes because of ageism and homophobia because mature gays aren’t the most recognized demographic and they tend to be generally ignored ... especially from younger gays who don’t yet know that this will be them in a few years.

Co-creator, and co-writer of several Golden Girls episodes, Stan Zimmerman says he can’t get a major network to even look at the script:

“In all my years in television, I’ve never seen a script reading get so much attention. I think this proves that there’s a great interest in seeing a sitcom like ours come to life. Ageism and homophobia are not only keeping the show from getting picked up, but from even being read by a major network.”

The creators and the cast—George Takei, Leslie Jordan, Bruce Vilanch, and Todd Sherry—met up for a table read in June but that may be all that this turns out to be. And while I might have liked to see a gay Golden Girls but if I ever get to thinking about it, I’d realize there already was a gay Golden Girls called ...

The Golden Girls.

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The Funny Papers

Steve Benson, Nate Beeler, Jim Morin, Rick McKee, Steve Sack, Drew Sheneman, Mike Luckovich, RJ Mattson, Scott Stantis, Nick Anderson 

President _____’s New ‘It’ Boy Flips, Then Flops

I feel bad, you know, losing a job that you loved, that people loved to see you do; a job that meant something to this country as we stand up and Resist ____; but the President-For-Now brings in a new Communications Director, and so, well, you had to go.

Oh, not Spicer ... I’, glad he’s out ... couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. I’m talking Melissa McCarthy; now that Spicer has left the building, her gig as Press secretary for SNL is clearly over.

I’ll miss him her. But it appears that The New Boy, Anthony Scaramucci, will fit right into the White House Hot Mess. See, as he was introduced to America yesterday, and as he heaped praise on _____, the internet came back to bite Scaramucci right on the ass.

Following the announcement, reports surfaced that Scaramucci donated $4,600 to Hillary Clinton in 2007 and $5,600 to former President Barack Obama in 2008. Then Twitter came for him, and Twitter had receipts; y’all should know you can’t hide from Twitter:

"If Hillary keeps this up, she might be back in play for 2016...." I hope she runs, she is incredibly competent”—Anthony Scaramucci

“Republicans should support Gay marriage.”—Anthony Scaramucci

“You can take steps to combat climate change without crippling the economy. The fact many people still believe CC is a hoax is disheartening.”—Anthony Scaramucci

“Walls don't work. Never have never will. The Berlin Wall 1961-1989 don't fall for it.”—Anthony Scaramucci

“If Russia tried to subvert American democracy, deserves strong response. But allow pres-elect time to process intel.”—Anthony Scaramucci

“We (the USA) has 5% of the world's population but 50% of the world's guns. Enough is enough. It is just common sense it apply more controls.”—Anthony Scaramucci

So, wait, pro-Hillary, pro-Obama, anti-Wall, pro-gun control, pro-marriage equality Anthony  Scaramucci is _____’s new boy? What ... if anything ... were _____, and Scaramucci, thinking?

Well, for his part, Scaramucci says his personal political views “don’t matter” because he serves _____ and it’s those opinions that people should pay attention to:

“Btw my political views don't matter I serve @POTUS pay attention to his!”

So I guess you can just sell your soul, your ideals, your views, for a job. Look, my political views swing way left, while my boss’s views are way over yonder on the right, but he isn’t a political figure and my job isn’t as his Communications Director spreading his agenda, so we’re all good. But how can Anthony Scaramucci stand up and defend _____, as he will have to do, almost daily, when he disagrees with him on virtually everything?

Well, he’s already started, apparently, because Scaramucci granted his first interview as Communications Director to ... wait for it, it’s vile ... Breitbart.

“One of the things Breitbart has done is you’ve captured the spirit of what’s actually going on in this country.”

Wow. He took the job and lost all his sense almost instantaneously. Seriously, praising _____ and then kissing the ass of Breitbart? This, on the very same day his new boss went on a Twitter Rage attacking the Democrats, Hillary Clinton and the media in a series of tweets that defended Junior’s Russian meeting and even confirming that his own Attorney General, and Keebler Elf, Jeff Sessions had discussed campaign-related matters with Russia.

Oh, and _____ also floated the idea that he has the “complete power to pardon.” Anyone, including himself.

And, finally, because he’s completely out of his ever-loving mind, _____ actually Tweeted a defense of Scaramucci, who has called _____ “anti-American” and a “hack” in 2015:

“In all fairness to Anthony Scaramucci, he wanted to endorse me 1st, before the Republican Primaries started, but didn't think I was running!”

Was that when he was Tweeting anti-wall, anti-gun, anti-_____ shiz, too?

But, maybe Anthony Scaramucci is the right man for this Criminal Lying Administration, because he also took to Twitter in the name of :::coughcough:::: bull shiz :::coughcough::: “full transparency” to say he has deleted those old pro-Hillary, anti-Wall, anti-Gun Tweets because. And this is rich:

“Past views evolved & shouldn’t be a distraction. I serve [_____’s] agenda & that’s all that matters.”

No, what matters is that you’ve cast your lot with an imbecile; you’ve sold your soul for, what, a few coins and some exposure?

See, Anthony, full transparency would be to keep the tweets, not bury them; deleting records, even your past “views”, is the complete opposite. It appears you attended the _____ Junior School of Transparency, where you offer up information and excuses right before, or in your case, after when the truth comes out.

So, clearly, you’re gonna fit right in with this band of thugs, grifters, criminals and traitors.

Congrats on the new job!

PS I'm getting a very strong Gaydar ping from Scaramucci and I'm thinking maybe Mario Cantone should play him on SNL next season ... if Anthony still has the job?

NCRM: Scaramucci Says His Political Views ‘Don’t Matter’

NCRM: Scaramucci Tweets for ‘Transparency’