Snarky Thoughts

Okay, so Shakira is the latest celebrity to find out that her boyfriend was dipping his wick into another lady’s pond … yes, mixed metaphor, but y’all know what I mean. But Shakira didn’t find out by hacking his phone or hiring a private detective, she used jam. Strawberry jam. Returning to the home she shared with her partner, Shakira saw that someone had been eating her jam, and the boyfriend don’t eat jam … which is a whole other thing … so she knew that the side piece was into the Smucker’s and dumped his sorry ass.

My Thought: Don’t let the side-pieces into the refrigerator if you wanna keep your dalliances a secret. Oh, and the jam don’t lie.

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It’s been a long week for anti-Semite, and future failed presidential candidate Kanye West, what with pissing off his first wife by taking her look-a-like as his second wife that he just didn’t have time to deal with the myriad of legal troubles surrounding him. Like, you know, changing your phone numbers and not telling your legal team, forcing his lawyers to take out ads in two Los Angeles newspapers to let him know they’re quitting him.

My Thought: Jacoby & Meyers, Ye, Jacoby & Meyers; you can probably still afford them.

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Clearly someone is still desperate for attention, and yet, no, this time it isn’t about Madge, though it is Madge adjacent. I guess that even though her last two movies were about weddings, filmed specifically so JLo could give interviews about how she and Ben Affleck fought their way back to one another, that source of media glare dried up so Jennifer Lopez Affleck had to come up with a new plan to get all eyes back on her: she’s claiming that the infamous Madonna, Britney and Christina lip-locks at the 2003 VMA’s was supposed to be Madonna, Britney and JLo, but she couldn’t get the day off of working on a movie to fly to New York and deep throat Madge’s horned tongue.

My Thought: Funny how this story slipped her mind for two decades but she’s just remembered it now that she needs more attention. JLo must be parched.

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ABC News hasn’t commented yet but it seems as if the dust has settled on the married anchors bumping uglies in their off hours and Amy Robach is still employed, but TJ Holmes is out. Now, before anyone says anything about why she gets to keep her job and his adulterous ass has to pound the pavement looking for another gig, know that T.J. has ALLEGEDLY had several affairs with a few other ladies at ABC and so his pattern of schtupping coworkers sent him packing.

 My Thought: wherever TJ lands, it’ll probably be on another woman.

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Last week the Critics’ Choice Awards aired on TV and while several nominees sat out the show after testing positive for COVID, one Cate Blanchett—who skipped the Golden Globes the previous—did appear to collect her trophy for Best Actress Tár. Cate used her time onstage, on TV, in public, accepting her award to tell the crowd that these shows, are a  “televised horse race” and should never happen again, then strode offstage, award in hand.

My Thought: I’m guessing Cate just wanted to go down in  history as the last winner of the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress and had she not won, she would have kept her mouth shut.

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Diddy might be trying to crash Nick Cannon’s Baby Daddy party since he just had a surprise baby to add to his already large family with a woman named Dana Tran while claiming to be both “single” and yet dating rapper Caresha “Yung Miami” Brownlee. And Diddy may wanna rethink this coupling since Yung Miami just revealed on her show Caresha Please that she loves a good old-fashioned Golden Shower.

My Thought: Is that why they call him Pee Diddy?

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Globes Fashions Made Simple ... Plus, Screaming Hot Oscar Isaac

BEST DRESSED

Helen Mirren … showing all those younger girls how to pull off sexy and chic and glamorous all at the same time. Head to toe, she knows how to dress for these shows.

GREAT

Jennifer Lawrence knows fashion, though sometimes she goes over-the-top. This time she was a cool, calm, collected and perfect Ice Princess On Fire.

VERY GOOD

Julianne Moore was rockin’ the sequins at the Globes, looking every inch a glamorous star. Totally covered up, totally sexy.

GOOD

Lady Gaga dragged her Inner Marilyn onto the carpet, though she gave it a kind of Morticia Adams edge to the whole thing.

OKAY … I’M FEELIN’ IT

Usually the comics tend to get it wrong—I’m looking at Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig from years past—but Amy Schumer looked cool and sophisticated and not-at-all try hard.

THIS SHOCKED ME

JLo usually brings out the ass or the legs or the bazongas, but this year — except for the Jolie Leg — she kept herself covered up and worked it. She might have scored higher, but that face she makes on the carpets always looked, um, constipated to me.

WTF

Cate Blanchett loves couture, but I’m getting fringy pink skeletal x-ray, or bad curtains in an Old West brothel.

WORST

Katy Perry. When I firsts potted her I thought, Oh look, Lisa Vanderpump is there in an ugly dress. But it was just Katy looking decades older in a Rite Aid Bump-It™ and a too-tight dress. If she was going Old Hollywood, she just stopped at Old.

HOT MAN

Rami Malek looked so put together. He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but there’s just something about him that gets my moor running … especially in a dark blue tuxedo.

SCORCHING

Oscar Isaac. I can’t with him because he just makes me crazy … crazy hot. I’m usually not a full facial hair guy, but on Oscar it works. Hell, on Oscar, anything works.

Random Musings

Some good, and some great, American Horror Story news … creator Ryan Murphy teased a couple of new items for upcoming seasons.

One: My favorite; Jessica Lange, who said she was done with the show after Freak Show, just might be returning after she finishes her run in a play on Broadway.

Two: Next season might see two AHS stories, one in fall and one in spring.

Double the horror and Lange coming back? Oh.Yeah.

In other great horror TV show news … the great Patti LuPone has joined the Showtime fright-fest, Penny Dreadful, full-time.

I.Love.La.LuPone. Just don’t bring a cell phone around her.

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Having Mama Grizzly Bore™ interview Donald [t]Rump for the conservative One America News network — all five of its outlets — is akin to sending a first grader to interview Obama about the Iran deal … except the first grader would have had better questions.

In Hot Men news, we’ve begun watching Public Morals on USA, which is about the Vice Squad units in New York City in the 1960s.

Oh, and Hot Men, too, like Neal McDonough, who plays killer Rusty Patton. Dreamy-eyed murderer … yeah, I can forgive the murderer part, I guess,

Austin Stowell plays Sean O’Bannon, the typical Hot Cop with a Heart of Gold, while Aaron Dean Eisenberg is another cop who could cuff me.

Just sayin’.

[Neal, Austin, Aaron]

Kanye West was awarded the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award at the VMAs last weekend and threatened us with running for president in 2020.

Ladies and gentlemen, your First Lady, and former porn star, Kim Kardastrophe-West.

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Obama has renamed Mt. McKinley Mt. Denali?

Um, no, he just changed the name back, m’kay?

And Denali isn’t some Kenyan word, nor is it an insult to McKinley—who is from Ohio and never once set foot in Alaska. M’kay?

So, it was same-sex couple David Moore and David Ermold who gave us Kentucky Kounty Klerk — thanks to Beth at Nutwood Junction for that — Kim Davis when they applied for a marriage license and she refused.

And so they went back and back, armed with a video camera and each time they were denied because Kim says God blah blah blah.

This week, even after being ordered by the courts to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Kim again refused to grant David Moore and David Ermold one, saying:

"I’m willing to face my consequences as you all will face your consequences when it comes time for judgment."

Your consequences is that you will be a four-time married, three-timed divorced adulterer looking for a job, while Moore and Ermold were get married — having been together twenty-seven years — and being happy.

That works for me.

UPDATE: Kim has been jailed for contempt ... cuz she's contemptible.

Anthony Horowitz, the author of a new James Bond novel, announced this week that actor Idris Elba was not right for the part of James Bond if and when Daniel Craig leaves the role. Horowitz said, ahem:

“Idris Elba is a terrific actor, but I can think of other black actors who would do it better. For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a color issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond. Is it a question of being suave? Yeah.” 

Too street? WTF does that even mean? And, remember, folks said Craig was too rough to be Bond, too; and too short. And when people went nuts at Horowitz’s lunacy, he quickly apologized:

“I was asked in my interview if Idris Elba would make a good James Bond. In the article I expressed the opinion that to my mind Adrian Lester would be a better choice but I’m a writer not a casting director so what do I know? Clumsily, I chose the word ‘street’ as Elba’s gritty portrayal of DCI John Luther was in my mind but I admit it was a poor choice of word. I am mortified to have caused offence.”

Idris took the high road in the kerfuffle, though with a hint of snark when he posted this to Instagram:

“Always Keep Smiling!! It takes no energy and never hurts! Learned that from the Street!!”

Hot.Suave.Funny.Hot. He is Bond.

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Josh Duggar boarded a private plane last week and flew to Illinois where he ALLEGEDLY entered rehab for being, I forget, child molester, adulterer, porn addict, religious wingnut, or hypocrite.

The faith-based rehab — called Reformers Unanimous — is a hyper-Christian rehab that involves lots of Bible study and manual labor and absolutely NO therapy. 

Oh, and Josh isn’t even there? Josh has not shown up to one single mandatory meeting or church service, so it appears that Josh is once again the “biggest hypocrite ever.”

And even his sister-in-law, has taken to Facebook to basically call him out for being a pedophile and an adulterer. And ruining the family's attempts to make money off being holier than thou without ever actually working a single day in their lives.

Yeah, Josh is the problem.

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I love Cate Blanchett.

I love Lucy.

But Cate as Lucy in an upcoming film? I’m wondering about that.

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WTF: Cate Blanchett

I loves me some Cate Blanchett. She's one of those actresses I would see in any movie she does. i also love her sense of fashion, though sometimes it borders on a little wacky.

Like that outfit up there.

I saw it, thought it reminded me of something and then it hit me: she raided Roseanne Conner's house for that afghan on the back of the couch.

Didn't she?