The UNFunny Papers

Gary Taxall, Robert Unell, Jonathan Brown, Rick McKee, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Bill Bramhall, Nick Anderson, Clay Bennett, Jon Ostrove, Ann Telnaes, Lalo Alcaraz

Why Is It ...

… that when someone tries to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “There's gonna be a lot of people there,” my response is, “Oh, okay ... then No.”

… that I have only just learned that the best way to get out of a conversation is to take one sock off and hand it to the person speaking. Problem solved.

… that no one has yet to invent transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

... that no one realizes that I can’t even fake “kick it” so that’s why they don’t see me.

… that my friends keep asking me to try out their new Ouija board when they know I don’t even like talking to living people.

… that people don’t realize that I do not get drunk; I just get less classy and more fun

… that people don’t realize that I am just here to post shiz I find funny. Please know, however, that if that offends you, I find that shiz funny, too.

… that people need to learn that I am not the bigger person and they should leave me alone.

… that when people say I should get out more and get out of my comfort zone I always reply, ‘Howsabout you get outta my comfort zone.’

… that people don’t realize that out of all the lies I’ve told in my lifetime, ‘Just kidding’ is my favorite.

I Didn't Say It ... But Frst ...

Look what arrived at my doorstep this afternoon! I cannot wait to read San Geraldo’s story, as well as Mitch’s story, and their story … If you need me, I’ll be reading!

Tim Walz, Democrat Governor of Minnesota, has put the Minnesota National Guard on standby following an ICE gent’s murder of a woman in Minneapolis and has urged Minnesotans to remain peaceful while criticizing the Fascist Regime’s lies:

“We do not need any further help from the federal government. To [Cankles] and [DogKiller]: You‘ve done enough. I want Minnesotans to hear this from me: The desire to get out in the protest and to speak up to this administration of how wrong this is, that is a patriotic duty at this point in time, but it needs to be done safely. I feel your anger, I am angry. They want a show, we can't give it to them."

Stay strong, stay peaceful, and show this regime that we will stand against their fascist tactics and state sanctioned murder.

Resist with your voice and your vote!

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Mark Kelly, Democrat Senator from Arizona,  forcefully rejected DUI hire Pete Hegseth’s censure over his “illegal orders” comments, calling it on Free Speech and on generations of service members who have earned their rank through sacrifice:

“Over twenty-five years in the U.S. Navy, thirty-nine combat missions, and four missions to space, I risked my life for this country and to defend our Constitution – including the First Amendment rights of every American to speak out. I never expected that the President of the United States and the Secretary of Defense would attack me for doing exactly that. My rank and retirement are things that I earned through my service and sacrifice for this country. I got shot at. I missed holidays and birthdays. I commanded a space shuttle mission while my wife Gabby recovered from a gunshot wound to the head—all while proudly wearing the American flag on my shoulder. [But] Pete Hegseth wants to send the message to every single retired servicemember that if they say something he or [Cankles] doesn’t like, they will come after them the same way. It’s outrageous and it is wrong. There is nothing more un-American than that. If Pete Hegseth, the most unqualified Secretary of Defense in our country’s history, thinks he can intimidate me with a censure or threats to demote me or prosecute me, he still doesn’t get it. I will fight this with everything I’ve got—not for myself, but to send a message back that Pete Hegseth and [Cankles] don’t get to decide what Americans in this country get to say about their government.”

Mark Kelly is a hero; Hegseth is an adulterous drunk while Cankles is a draft-dodging rapist.

I stand with Kelly.

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Chris Murphy, Democrat Senator from Connecticut, on the criminal White House and the attack on Venezuela:

“[Cankles] thinks he is above the law. He steals from taxpayers. He thumbs his nose at the law. And now he is starting an illegal war with Venezuela that American didn’t ask for and has nothing to do with our security. How does going to war in South America help regular Americans who are struggling? How does this do anything about drugs entering the US when Venezuela produces no fentanyl? What is the actual security threat to the United States? And what happens next in Venezuela? He cannot answer these questions—and that’s why there was no briefing to Congress to explain this action, and no briefing scheduled. And Maduro’s illegitimate election does not give the president the power to invade without Congressional approval, not does it create ma national security justification. That contention is laughable. This is about satisfying [his] vanity; making good on the long-standing neocon grudge against Maduro, enriching [Cankles’] oil industry backers and distracting voters from Epstein and rising costs.”

Did anyone ever think a morally bankrupt con artist would ever be elected president … twice?

Did anyone ever think that America would ever attack another country without cause, without Congressional approval, just for money?

We got the war because we elected a draft-dodging criminal.

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Pete Buttigieg, former Transportation Secretary and future President of the United States, speaking truth:

“It’s an old and obvious pattern. An unpopular president—failing on the economy and losing his grip on power at home—decides to launch a war for regime change abroad. The American people don’t want to ‘run’ a foreign country while our leaders fail to improve life in this one. As of this week, millions of Americans are now paying thousands more for health insurance. If the President and Congressional GOP think Washington has the capacity to ‘run’ Venezuela right now, why won't they fix the insurance cost crisis they've created here at home?”

The country is in turmoil because of one man and hist goose-stepping group of lapdogs and sycophants and they want you to believe they can run another country?

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Gustavo Petro, President of Columbia, on the invasion of Venezuela and the threats against other South American countries by a little dick-tater:

“A clan of pedophiles wants to destroy our democracy. To keep Epstein’s list from coming out. They send warships to kill fishermen and threaten our neighbor for their oil.”

All to save a child raping predator from prison.

That’s the legacy of the GOP going forward.

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Jacob Frey, Democrat Mayor of Minneapolis, where Renee Nicole Good was murdered by an inept, untrained, lunatic with a gun and a face mask:

“I have a message for ICE—get the fuck out of Minneapolis. We do not want you here. People are being hurt. Families are being ripped apart. And now [Renee Nicole Good] is dead. That’s on you. It’s also on you to leave.”

We all knew this was going to happen at some point when you allow an inept, foolish, out of control Kristi Noem play sheriff and hire the untrained and uneducated dregs of society to go after anyone who doesn’t look white.

We all knew someone would die.

This is Kristi Noem’s fault, and Cankles, and the shooter, Jonathan Ross, needs to be arrested.

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Bobservations

The other night, as Carlos was getting into bed,  I went into the bathroom and closed the door. My phone was charging on the counter so I quickly checked my messages but then dropped the phone on the counter. I thought nothing of it and went into the back part of the bathroom, sat down and was doing some business when, from the other side of the door:

“Did you call me?”

“Why would I call you?”

“My phone says you called me.”

“Can we discuss this when I’m finished in here?”

So, I finished and went to get into bed and I asked again:

“Why would I call you?”

“I thought you fell.”

“And so I reached up from the floor to the counter, took my phone and called you? Why wouldn’t I just shout, ‘I’ve fallen and I can get up?’”

“I thought maybe you were unconscious—”

“Unconscious but still able to stand, find the phone and call you but not shout your name or, I dunno, walk out of the room?”

“Go to bed.”

“Let me get my phone and call you …”

Laughter ensued.

This Tuxedo Says is from July 2021 …

Again, Tuxedo isn’t allowed to vote, but if he could, he clearly comes down on the other side of that party.

I cringe to think of what he might say if he saw that party and what they were doing today.

I saw a preview of a new film on TV and nearly died …

“Melanie” is an American … hold for laughter … political documentary film directed and produced by Brett Ratner that documents the First Hooker of the United States, in the twenty days before her rapist husband’s second presidential inauguration.

I don’t like the name … I like “From Whore House to White House” or “I Became a Millionaire Flat on My Back” or “I’m In The Files, Too” or “Sloppy Slovenian Hooker.”

What do you think it should be called?

Please remember that Turning Point USA was founded in 2012 by Charlie Kirk and Bill Montgomery with two major priorities: fighting COVID restrictions and gun control.

Montgomery died of COVID. Kirk was shot to death. Karma is real.

Little Marco Rubio and Pammy Pedophile Protector Bondi are saying that Maduro will stand trial in an American courtroom.

So, does that mean the US can prosecute foreign leaders even when it doesn’t hold its own president accountable for his crimes.

The hypocrisy is real … real stupid.

Everyone seems really surprised that Nicki Minaj has suddenly gone full MAGAt Cult Member but it happened just as she’s about to lose her $20,000,000 mansion and her husband needs a pardon.

She’s taking the grift route … sell your soul to save your life.

MAGAts cheered when businesses were told they could discriminate against people, but when a Hilton Hotel refuses to allow ICE a play to stay, the cult goes nuts.

Again, the hypocrisy is real … stupid.

And while we’re on stupid … here’s Cankles and his band of drunken traitors holding court during the attack on Venezuela. Note the black curtains … this was staged at Mar-Illegal where he wanted to look like Obama when bin Laden was killed but … Cankles phone is unplugged.

You cannot make this shiz up.

Matias Piana is a Miami-born model with Italian and Uruguayan roots who speaks English, Spanish, and Italian and so anyway you ask it: Would You Hit It? … ¿Lo golpearías? … Lo faresti?

Architecture Wednesday: Dolly Parton’s Songwriting Retreat

Well, look here … for just $786K you could own a piece of country music history: Dolly Parton’s former Idyllwild retreat! Oh, if walls could sing, this charming three-story, three-bedroom, three-bath 1800 square foot mountain cabin  would be in tune for anyone.

Recently owned by the one and only Dolly, this home is as full of character as the Queen of Country herself. It has a primary suite, a guest bedroom, and a spacious loft that sleeps five—and it was Dolly’s favorite spot to write and play her music.

Nestled along a peaceful seasonal creek and just a short stroll to town, this private escape offers the perfect mix of tranquility and convenience. Designed with chalet-style flair, this home features soaring, wood-beamed ceilings, woodsy details, and a spacious deck where you can soak in the forest views. A brand-new roof ensures it’s ready for its next chapter, while the serene creekside setting adds to its magic. This is more than a home-it’s a piece of music history, a true mountain retreat, and a dream getaway waiting for its next storyteller.

Just don’t try to strum the toilet seat.

As always. Click to BIGGERate …

Dwell