The Funny Papers

Dave Whamond, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Nick Anderson, Benjamin Slyngstad, Clay Bennett, David Horsey, Gary Huck, Tim Campbell, Drew Sheneman, RJ Matson,

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that a fuck must be earned; I cannot go down the street with a bucket of fucks handing them out willy nilly. If I feel you’ve earned a fuck, I’ll give a fuck.

… that I hate it when I say that I hate people and someone says, “But not me, right? LOL.” No bitch, it’s especially you.

… that I can look directly at a person, nod when they’re talking and throw in a “Yeah,” or an “I know,” and yet not hear a word they’re saying

… that I feel the need to tell people that I am not toxic; I am classier than that … I am toxique….

… that I often feel the need to tell people who are speaking to me that I Googled “Who gives a shit?” and my name wasn’t in the search results

… that I know five people that are clinically insane and two of them are me.

… that I feel like life is a helicopter and I don’t know how to fly a helicopter.

… that my signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

… that I hate it when people to tell me to open up. I mean, I just met you like eight years ago, give me some time.

… that right after I say some things I remind myself that some things aren't better left unsaid.

I Didn't Say It ...

Hillary Clinton, dismantling the GOP and demanding Congress ask Cankles, "under oath" about the "tens of thousands of times” he appears in the Epstein files:

“You have compelled me to testify, fully aware that I have no knowledge that would assist your investigation, in order to distract attention from [Cankles’] actions and to cover them up despite legitimate calls for answers. As I stated in my sworn declaration on January 13, I had no idea about[Epstein and Maxwell’s] criminal activities. I do not recall ever encountering Mr. Epstein. I never flew on his plane or visited his island, homes or offices. I have nothing to add to that. If this Committee is serious about learning the truth about Epstein’s trafficking crimes, it would not rely on press gaggles to get answers from our current president on his involvement; it would ask him directly under oath about the tens of thousands of times he shows up in the Epstein files.”

Hillary showed up, and Bill will, too, but Cankles? We have proof he’s in the files, and there is evidence that he raped a child and still the GOP refuses to ask him one single question.

Pedophile Protection Party at work.

PS Points to Hillary for her plain spoken, zero fucks attitude and for answering questions about extraterrestrials and “Pizzagate” which have zero to do with the Epstein scandal other than being a deflection.

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Chris Coons, Democrat senator from Delaware, on the GOP voter fraud lies::

“[Cankles] and the entire Republican party have spent 6 years searching high and low for voter fraud in the 2020 election. They’ve found nothing. Nada. Zilch. So why do they want millions of citizens to fight through bureaucratic red tape to solve a problem that doesn’t exist?”

No fraud, except for the fraud elected to office who can’t handle the fact he’s a loser and is still crying six years later.

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Elizabeth Warren, Democrat senator from Massachusetts, on the grift of Cankles at the expense of We The People:

“[Cankles] has enough money to renovate his $400,000,000 Qatari jet, give Amazon a $.8 billion tax break, send Kash Patel top party at the Olympics but your refund on his illegal tariffs? [He] says eat dirt.”

Follow the money and then arrest him, seize his bank accounts, and assets, and put him on trial for the con man he has always been.

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Stephen Colbert, The Late Show host, on the rumor that Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is having an extramarital affair with her aide Corey Lewandowski:

"Noem is Corey's boss and possibly boss with benefits because that rumor is that the two of them are in a romantic relationship even though they're both married with children. If that romantic part is true, Corey—a word of warning: Avoid doggy style. Especially near the gravel pit."

Noem and Lewandowski, both married with families, have denied the claims though they travel together on a luxury 737 MAX with a private cabin in the rear.

Colbert's joke referenced the fact that Noem once shot and killed Cricket, a 14-month-old puppy, in a gravel pit because she wasn't good at hunting and was too excitable.

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Thomas Massie, GOP Representative from Kentucky, brings down the roof during a House speech on Epstein and slams Kash Patel for his Olympics partying:

"It's fine to be proud of this country, but we should be proud of this country because we have a system of justice that works! Congress created the Department of Justice. Congress funds the Department of Justice. And Congress is responsible for the oversight of the Department of Justice. When will we see justice? I'll tell you what I've not seen, I've not seen any arrests from the revelations in the Epstein files. Over three million documents describing horrible things, describing unspeakable things. Much of it redacted. We know for a fact that many of the files have not been released and the ones that have been released were improperly redacted to protect Trump and his allies. What we've seen so far includes horrifying allegations that Trump himself abused, raped, and threatened children. One can only imagine what's contained in the files that they refuse to let us see. Over two dozen people have resigned, CEOs, members of government worldwide," Massie said. "But I haven't seen any arrests or investigations here in the United States from this Department of Justice. Prince Andrew, Duke of York, who has since been stripped of his royal titles due to his affiliation with Jeffrey Epstein, has been arrested. Peter Mandelson, who previously served as UK's Ambassador to the United States, resigned in disgrace from the United Kingdom's House of Lords and the Labour Party. And he's been arrested. Former Prime Minister of Norway, Thorbjørn Jagland, has been charged. But we don't see any charges, arrests, or investigations in the United States! What do we see? We see our FBI director celebrating in the locker room at the Olympics overseas. It's fine to be proud of this country, but we should be proud of this country because we have a system of justice that works. And yet we do not. Who are the men that should be investigated? I'll name them right here: Leon Black. You don't even have to see past the redactions to see that this man needs to be investigated. Jess Staley, accused of terrible things. It's right there in the files. Why is he not being investigated? And Leslie Wexner. Why did the FBI list him as a co-conspirator in their own documents in a child sex trafficking case and then tell him, according to him, that they had no questions for him? Why is that? Well, the Epstein Files Transparency Act requires the DOJ and the FBI to disclose to us their internal memos and emails about how they made those decisions, whether to prosecute or not prosecute, yet they have not delivered those memos. And we still don't have the memos and documents and emails from 2008 to explain why Jeffrey Epstein was given such a light sentence in what would have been an open and shut case of child sex trafficking, which allowed him to go back and recommit these terrible crimes, create hundreds of more victims, and ensnare so many other people in his conspiracy. Where are those documents that describe those decisions? We need justice. We want the Department of Justice to get to work, and that's what they need to do now."

The rest of the world is starting to hold Epstein's associates responsible but America refuses to do so because our president is a pedophile who was close friends with Epstein. He's all over the files and he has totally corrupted the FBI, turning it into an instrument of personal political power rather than a legitimate law enforcement organization. Everyone involved in this coverup must be prosecuted when Democrats retake power.

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Bobservations

Years back Carlos put a couple of bird feeders on the deck for our feathered visitors but what he didn’t know what that birds drop a lot of bird seed and it falls through the deck and attracts mice who decide they want to see inside the house and they find a way in and set up a little condominium under the dishwasher, feather a nice little newspaper nest and then chew though the tubing bringing water to the dishwasher because they’re thirsty and then we pay a huge bill to fix the dishwasher and the water leak and the mouse house removal.

Now he’s feeding squirrels on the lawn every morning—he calls them “The Neighbors”—and I told him that if we get any more mouse squatters he’ll be joining then under the dishwasher.

This Tuxedo Says is from September 2021 … Tuxedo has zero fucks to give to this anti-women woman who does the bidding of old white men.

One minute I was walking down the street minding my own business and then suddenly I was in a hardware store standing in a line.

I have no idea how I got there.

It shouldn’t be lost on anyone that we never had these claims of massive voter fraud until Cankles lost the 2020 election.

Here’s something to ponder …

I can safely say that most of the time South Carolina disappoints me, but not today …

At the request of Jesse Jackson’s family, and numerous members of the South Carolina General Assembly, the body of the Reverend Jesse Jackson Sr. will lie in state in the South Carolina Statehouse on Monday, March 2, 2026 and flags atop the Statehouse be lowered to half-staff from sunrise to sunset that same day to honor the legacy and memory of Reverend Jackson.

Thank you South Carolina for doing what the GOP in DC refused to do.

Funny how Fox News and the MAGAt Cult stopped talking about the man who breached Mar-Illegal with a shotgun and a gas can as soon they found out he was a lifelong Republican pissed off about the handling of the Epstein scandal.

White Republican man; not a drag queen.

White Republican man; not a democrat.

White Republican man;  not an immigrant.

White Republican man;  not a Muslim.

That’s all.

Jacob Ishak is a Canadian fashion model proving that they can grow ‘em hot up there, eh? So … Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Sausalito Houseboat

I grew up about 90 minutes from San Francisco and then lived there all through college and a couple of years after, and one of my favorite spots to visit was across The Bay in Sausalito. So this home, literally on the water in Sausalito, really speaks to me …

This one-of-a-kind, three-story floating home is where bold architectural vision meets serene waterfront living; located on coveted Liberty Dock—Sausalito’s premier floating home community—this residence offers breathtaking sunrise views over Richardson Bay and vibrant sunset skies each evening.

It features two bedrooms and two-and-one-half bathrooms in just over 1800 square feet of three light-filled levels with oversized windows and an open concept flow. There is a spa bath and a red cedar soaking tub, custom tilework, heated floors, and a rare walk-in closet … on a houseboat!

The home also includes another rarity … a walk-in laundry room, as well as whole-home radiant heating, a chef’s kitchen with high-end appliances and artisan details, ample exterior storage for gear, tools, and seasonal items and water toys, multiple decks, including a 160-sq-ft rooftop retreat with lush garden features

Meticulously reimagined, every element was chosen with intention from the artisan tilework—though that tile behind the stove might have to go—and curated finishes to a layout that mirrors the movement of the water, this residence balances striking design with soulful livability.

More than a home, it’s a statement, a sanctuary, and a way of life for just $3M. 

As always click to emBIGGERate ...

Dwell