It's Monday and I'm ...

Goldie Hawn says that fifty-seven years ago, when she was just twenty, she ALLEGEDLY had an out-of-this-world experience with an extra-terrestrial. She claims  she was in the desert, sleeping in her car when the aliens came upon her and …

“They touched my face, and it felt like the finger of God. It was the most benevolent, loving feeling. This was powerful. It was filled with light.”

Yet it took her fifty-seven years to announce it … like when her career is kind of over and maybe she needs a job?

Kim Kardastrophe has announced the launch of Skims’ Ultimate Nipple Bra in which you can pay $62 for a bra with built-in fake nipples. Kardastrophe says:

“The Earth’s temperature is getting hotter and hotter. The sea levels are rising. The ice sheets are shrinking. And I’m not a scientist, but I do believe everyone can use their skillset to do their part. That’s why I’m introducing a brand-new bra with a built-in nipple—so no matter how hot it is, you’ll always look cold.”

And she’ll always look stupid.

Justin Timberlake is “not at all happy” about what Britney Spears has written in her new memoir about their time together.

I guess being called a pig who forced an abortion on his girlfriend who didn’t want one, and then broke up with her in a two-word text and wrote a song about the breakup called ‘Cry Me A River’ hurts?

Truth always does.

For a hot minute, the broke-ass Tori Spelling had moved out of her $100-a-night motel she was sharing with her five or six kids, and out of the camper they lived in, and moved into a house she rented for $18,000 a month.

Looks like the whole ‘I’m poor’ and can’t afford a house bull shit was just that. But wait, there’s more … 

Tori moved out of her expensive rental just days after settling in because , ALLEGEDLY  man with a gun took a hostage in the house down the street.

Apparently the neighbors were getting more press than Tori and she couldn’t stand it.

Speaking of memoirs, Rebecca Romijn has yet to react to her ex-husband John Stamos’ memoir bombshells  but her husband, Jerry O’Connell, is telling anyone and everyone that Romjin didn’t “get any warning” about being in the book.

Seriously? Your ex-husband writes the story of his life and you’re shocked you’re in it?

Thirst traps.