Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand I do not have Resting Bitch Face. My Bitch Face is always on duty, ever vigilant, and will rest when its work is done.

… that some people like to make an entrance while prefer an  escape.

… that, for me, if tequila was water, and I was a duck, I would swim underwater and never come up. But tequila isn’t water and I am not a duck, so hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

… that no one realizes that everyone is a little crazy, but it’s just that some of us aren’t afraid to whip it out. Throw it on a leash and then take it out for a walk in public.

… that this morning, when I checked my laugh lines in the mirror, my only thought was, “What the fuck was so funny?”

... that no one sees the side effects of interacting with people as I do: there's the trouble listening, or your skin crawling, or middle finger spasms or the strong desire to get blind drunk

… that people need to understand that I might be mean, but I have a good heart. When I tell someone to go to Hell I still hope they get there safely.

… that people don’t understand that I’ll always apologize when I am wrong, but never when I’m provoked. You lit that match now eat the fire.

… that there are people you meet in life and you instantly know that you want to spend your entire life without them.

… that people need to remember that if I offend you, you can cry me a river. I will bring a raft and snacks and be eating chips and working on my tan while I float down your tears.

Why Is It ...

… that no one is surprised that I am stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out that it wasn’t for me, but I appreciate the opportunity.

… that people don’t realize that I’m a nice person until they hit the Bitch Button.

… that when someone asks if I ever think before I post something nasty, I always say, ‘Yeah, and I even laugh and kick my feet a little.’

… that I sometimes feel as if my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure they like me.

… that when someone asks me if I’m an early bird or a night owl I tell them I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

… that while friends bring you happiness, best friends bring you tequila.

… that I sometimes think I might be the only person that pauses the music to see if the siren is in the song or behind me.

… that no one appreciates it when I give away free samples of my attitude.

… that nearly every morning I wish for someone to go into work for me; just walk in and act like me, no one will notice.

… that my friends keep forgetting that if we are in a non-laughing situation, they should not be looking at me.

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Why Is It ...

… that, and this is no brag, I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret later.

…that the reason I look both ways before crossing a One-Way street is because I have so little faith in Humanity.

… that my flag is not red white and blue … it’s white … I give up. Leave me alone.

… that I am still stunned at how much I can get done around the house out of the fear of someone coming over.

… that I always take life with a grain of salt … a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

… that no one believes I was born irritated. I mean, otherwise, there’s no way that people get on my nerves this much.

… that I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for more than two minutes.

… that  the three stages of growing up are Young and Dumb, Motivated and Hopeful, and Fuck Everyone and Everything.

… that I like my coffee like I like my men … sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

… that if you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot,you’re probably still an idiot.

Why Is It ...

… that no one understands I suffer from a  disorder where I speak the truth and it pisses people off?

… that I consider it a successful work day if I can get through it without saying the word ‘fuck’? Oh, and I rarely have successful work days … just sayin’.

… that now that my Winter Fat has gone away, I’ve discovered I have Spring Rolls.

… that I don’t care about “giving my all,” but would rather do about 60% and still have time for my shows?

… that I often think of myself as Tsar Chasm?

… that, for me, eye rolls are my cardio.

… that some days I amaze myself and other days I put my keys in the fridge.

… that no one will allow me to normalize booing in the workplace?

… that I love water … frozen into cubes … blended with tequila.

Bobservations

I didn’t think I would have a Carlos story this week. I mean, not because Carlos doesn’t do The Crazy or doesn’t make me laugh, but because sometimes I forget it as I sit down to write this post. But, just now, sitting at the computer,. Commenting on blogs, Carlos comes into the office. We chat a little, and then he walks to the desk to pick up his iPad which is next to me. His fingers graze my arm, and he says:

“Oh, you have a little company there.”

“Who?”

“Isn’t this Max?” His fingers travel up and down my arm.

“That’s not a cat, that’s your husband."

Yes, he thought my arm, which is not at all a hairy arm, was a fur covered cat. Oy.

Forget the idea of explaining to a cat, try explaining that to children who are now terrified of going to school.

During a radio appearance last week, The Kenosha Murderer did his best impression of a high school athlete announcing his college choice on National Signing Day by pulling a Texas A&M hat from under a table, putting on his head, and saying:

“I’m going to be going there, and it’s going to be awesome.”

Odd then that a university official released a statement that The Kenosha Murder isn’t attending Texas A&M:

“He has not been admitted as a student this summer or fall.”

To be fair, he’s a murderer so it isn’t much of a stretch for him to be a fucking liar, too.

Pope Francis added fuel to rumors about his future as Pope by announcing he would visit L’Aquila for a feast initiated by Pope Celestine V, one of the few pontiffs who resigned before Pope Benedict XVI stepped down in 2013. Italian and Catholic media have been speculating that Frankie might be retiring, given his increased mobility problems that have forced him to use a wheelchair recently.

Now, work with me here because I have a theory. You see, Queen Elizabeth just had her Platinum Jubilee, and there are rumors that she might step down, given that she is in her last nineties. And she is newly widowed so … maybe it’s true that Betty Windsor and Frankie Pope are a “thing”? I mean, c’mon, they both love fancy robes and jewel-encrusted headwear and pomp and circumstance; Grindr couldn’t make a better match..

And what’s their celebrity name? Peen? Quope? Fretty? Bankie?

In Republicans Are Pigs News … in Tennessee, mere minutes after a vigil for the victims of the mass shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde, the state’s GOP asshat of a governor, Bill Lee, had the memorial deconstructed and removed from the building.

According to video from local news organization The Tennessee Holler, all the flowers, cards, a teddy bear, and even a letter to the governor signed by dozens of clergy, appeared headed for the garbage.

Not a real surprise Lee is a pig; last year he signed legislation allowing almost any adult to carry a firearm without a permit/license, training, or insurance.

Fuck Bill Lee and the GOP and Tennessee.

Last week, we went to a Memorial Day gathering at our friends, the Round-The-Way-Gays, Neal and David, who have recently moved back to Camden. We saw a bunch of old friends we hadn’t seen since the pandemic started and had a lovely afternoon of food and drinks and laughs.

As we were eating David, the perfect host and bartender, asked if I wanted another margarita. I replied:

“Oh, one is my limit.”

“But this will be your fourth!”

"I didn’t say I adhered to it.”

And the fourth was the best one ever.

Antonio Sherrodd McGarity of Arlington, Texas, pleaded guilty last week to Lewd, Indecent, or Obscene Acts While on an Aircraft and was sentenced to 48 days in prison, followed by one year of probation. He is also prohibited from flying commercially in the United States while on probation.

What did he do? Well, during a Southwest Airlines flight from Seattle to Phoenix, McGarity exposed himself to other passengers while masturbating several times.

Wow, and that’s just a 3-hour flight. Imagine how many times he could have choked his chicken if he was headed to Australia?

Fox News will be the only major news network not to air the entire January 6 Committee hearings live probably because some of their most vile on-air talent is complicit in the attempt to overthrow the government.

Plus, Fox News can’t handle the truth.

The other day Debra had a post on She Who Seeks  about companies that profess their support of the LGBTQ+ community only during Pride month, but what about the ones who think their showing Pride when they’re just showing ridiuclousness? Amirite Burger King?

To be fair, amirite Burger King Austria? This week the fast-food company unveiled its new Pride Whopper, which features “same-sex” buns and asks that age old question: are you a top or are you a bottom?

“We stand for the equal rights of all identities and sexual orientations. A little twist to put a smile on your face and remind us to treat each other respectfully and peacefully. No matter who you are and who you love.”

Is it really “respectful” to make your Pride burger something that could be interpreted as being a sexual joke about “tops” and “bottoms”? And then think about those conservative wingnut parents trying to explain to their kids why mommy’s a top and daddy’s a bottom.

This is the most ridiculous attempt at pretending to have LGBTQ+ Pride as I have ever seen.

In the wake of all the mass shootings in the United States of Guns a new poll conducted by CBS News and YouGov surveyed Americans about their thoughts on guns and gun control, asking respondents if they felt that mass shootings are an unavoidable by-product of a “free society” or if they believed the issue could be tackled.

Forty-four percent of all respondents who identified as Republicans believe mass shootings are “unfortunately something we have to accept as part of a free society.”

I wonder if any of these illiterate fuckmonkeys will feel the same when their little Billy or Julie gets slaughtered in the schoolyard.

Lucien Laviscount is a thirty-year-old is a British actor with a rockin’ bod and a delightful. That’s all you get … Would You Hit It?

Tuesday Thought #2