It's Snarkurday!

Y’all remember The Sony Hack? The crime that unleashed The Interview on us all? Well, a lot of the story was about the emails between then-Sony-head-and-now-fired Amy Pascal and producer Scott Rudin and their Mean Girl attacks on Angelina Jolie. Well, Wikipedia has posted some of the emails and La Jolie comes off as smart and professional and kind, while Rudin and Pascal come across as bitches who hate.

Any time Jolie emails one or both of them about a proposed Cleopatra film, Pascal and Rudin snipe about her, as when Rudin writes:

“I’m not remotely interested in presiding over a $180m ego bath … the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming… I have no need to keep her happy. There is NO relationship with any movie star — ANY one — that requires our willingness to prostrate ourselves this way in the face of childish, irresponsible, willful and un-partnerly behavior.”

When Pascal forwards her email bitchfest with Rudin to Sony Entertainment CEO Michael Lynton, Lynton writes: “You guys are nuts to put this in an email.” 

Sound advice; not taken.

Oh, and the best is when Scott Rudin asked La Jolie if she was interested in starring as Ma Ingalls … seriously … in his film adaptation of Little House on the Prairie alongside … wait for it … Tom Cruise as Pa Ingalls. Seriously? Tom Cruise as Pa Ingalls? Everyone knows he's Half-Pint!

Still, Angelina liked the script, but said no to him because:

“I love Little House but don’t think I am the best person to do it. You have a very special project and a brilliant script and I am beyond grateful you would give me a chance to consider it.” 

This was at the same time Rudin was screeching about Angelina being a “spoiled brat.”

Meanwhile, Jolie just goes along with her life; oh, and her job — unlike Pascal — and her dignity — unlike Scott Rudin.

I’ve always loved how Madonna gets on her high horse when people disrespect her, um, “art,” and yet she has no problem being disrespectful herself. I mean, remember the time she attended a screening of Twelve Years A Slave and texted throughout the film? And when someone in the audience told her to put it away that time, she yelled, “It’s for business … ENSLAVER!” Well, she’s done it again, this time at a Broadway show and this time she was called out by the star of the show.

Madonna went to see Lin-Manuel Miranda in the Broadway musical Hamilton. Miranda wrote, directed and stars in the life story — told through hip-hop — of Alexander Hamilton and he is now Broadway’s newest darling.

So, Madge was sitting in the audience, being Madge, and ALLEGEDLY texted all the way through Act 2 and Miranda was not having it and he Tweeted:

“Tonight was the first time I asked stage management NOT to allow a celebrity — who was texting all through Act 2 — backstage #noselfieforyou.”

The Tweet was later deleted, but a source in the audience — perhaps it was Lohan looking for another theater gig … as an usher — says Madonna was texting throughout the night:

“It was definitely her. She was texting, I believe, although at one point she also pulled out a Blackberry. She was also 20 minutes late and caused quite a stir getting to her seat.”

Eventually Madge put down her phone after someone in the audience — and it might have been Patti LuPone who hates phones in theaters — hissed, “Shut it off!”

Still, Madge may have had good reason; perhaps her new boyfriend was getting out of middle school and needed a ride back to the manse?

HBO’s Going Clear documentary — which I have on the DVR, but still haven’t seen — brought plenty of damaging information about Scientology to the public. A small part of the film discussed the incredibly close friendship between Tom Cruise and CoS leader David Miscavige; Cruise is considered by many to be #2 in command of the ALLEGED church, though it’s clear he would never officially take over the helm because he’s also their biggest financial supporter.

See, for the past several years, Scientology has experienced money troubles — despite its tax-free status — and while they still have $1.5 billion in assets, most of that is in real estate and overhead, and those kinds of “liquid” assets are a problem because, thanks to the internet and the documentary and all that bad press from people who’ve escaped the “church,” people are no longer signing up for their nonsense.

Enter Cruise, chief CoS moneymaker. CoS desperately needs Mission: Impossible 5 to be a success because Tom’s backend deals ... tee hee, backend deals ... with studios are sweet and his money is about all they have coming in. I mean, that’s what a private 
investigator ALLEGEDLY  working for Miscavige told Wisconsin police when they brought him in for questioning in July 2013.

“Where do you think the funding comes from?” an investigator asked private investigator Daniel Powell in audio recordings.

“Probably Tom Cruise,” Powell says, to audible laughter. “I’m being serious, that’s probably where it comes from. [He] funds the church with anything they need. So he’s pretty much funding all of this. We make jokes all the time — when Tom Cruise’s last movie came out — it was a terrible movie, we were going around telling everybody how awesome the movie was. Go see the movie so Tom Cruise can get paid and we can get paid.”

I know it sounds crazy, but it also sounds true. I mean, no wonder he divorces his wives before the ten year end of pre-nup clause comes into effect. And he’s selling off real estate like there’s no tomorrow: his Hollywood Hills home can be yours for $13 million, while his Telluride manse is on the market for $59 million.

He needs the cash. Xenu spaceships don’t come cheap. ALLEGEDLY.

I love this one …

Tom Hardy is in a new film called Child 44 which, for some reason, is expected to bomb, so he’s not doing a lot of press for it. But when he does press, and when he’s asked about the Russian accent he use in the film, well, he says this:

“I watched Sesame Street. The Count speaks just like it.” 

Loving it!

Remember last week when Gwyneth Paltrow wrote in her GOOP-letter that she would be taking part in the Food Stamp Challenge? And remember how she posted the $29 worth of food items she bought to feast on for the entire week? And then remember how she went to lunch at a trendy, expensive, Brentwood restaurant, basically giving the challenge a big F-U?

Well, she wants you to know more …

“Last week, chef (and great man) Mario Batali challenged me to raise awareness and money for the NYC Food Bank by trying to live on $29 dollars for the week (what low income families on SNAP are trying to survive on). Dubious that I could complete the week, I donated to the Food Bank at the outset, and all of us at the goop office began the challenge.

As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.

After trying to complete this challenge I would give myself a C- …”

And she goes on to talk about how hard people have it, unless you’re GOOP, but seriously? A C-?

Gwyneth, honey? You delusional f**kwad? You.Failed. While many in this country eat for far less than $29 a week, you couldn’t handle four days without breaking, so stop trying to act like you understand.

You deserve an F, as in Shut.The.F.Up.

While on the red carpet for the Time 100 gala and concert, the highlarious — no, she’s seriously funny — Amy Schumer pretended to fall down right in front of Kim and Kanye Kardastrophe.

And what did Kimye do?

He didn’t budge, didn’t crack a smile, didn’t even acknowledge Schumer. Kash Kow appeared to smile, though with as much Botox as she has in her face it’s hard to tell, but … she and Kanye then moved further down the carpet for more photos while Amy picked herself up off the ground.

Man, do those two take themselves so seriously.

Remember when Sherri Shepherd married Lamar Sally and told the world about their spectacular Christian love? And remember when Sherri and Lamar used a surrogate to have the baby that would be a symbol of their spectacular Christian love? And then remember when they separated and Sherri said the baby wasn’t hears? Her story was that the child – only made so that Lamar The Gold-digger could get his hands on Sherri’s money … except she really has none because she was fired from The View before this whole mess started and girl ain’t got no real job — wasn’t hers because it was Lamar’s junk and a surrogate’s egg.

Anyway … now a Pennsylvania judge has ruled that Sherri is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., and Lamar Sr. wants Sherri to go on TV and apologize to him.

Might have been a good idea, if they’d done the reveal of Sherri’s maternity on Maury. Lamar could have danced across the stage singing, ‘You’re the mother! You’re the mother!”

Christians. They’re funny.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Those Kardastrophes ruin it for everyone. No, not Kim Kardastrophe or even Kanye Kardastrophe, I’m talking NorthSouthEastWest Kardastrophe ruining Fashion Week for babies! See, during this years’ New York Fashion Week, little North threw not one but two front-row hissy fits. Kim was so embarrassed; she took North backstage and left her there while she returned to her seat. What a wonderful mother!

Now, it’s not her fault; she has a lunatic for a father and a famewhore for a mother who thinks that the front-row at a fashion show is the best place for a toddler.

Well, now Nuclear Wintour has put her foot down and officially banned all children from runway shows by telling designers not to allow toddlers on the front row at any fashion show that she attends.

Now if only Anna would ban spoiled brats and porn stars, we’d never see Kim or Kanye at Fashion Week again!

This makes me laugh … the thief who stole Lupita Nyong’o‘s $150,000 pearl Oscar dress has apparently left it on a bathroom floor after he attempted to have it appraised and learned the pearls weren’t real. And then he actually called TMZ to say he took two of the pearls down to the Garment District in LA and learned they were fake so he returned the dress to the hotel.

To top it off, the people at Calvin Klein never said if the pearls were real or fake, and the only person who represented the orbs as real and valued the dress at $150K was Lupita’s stylist.

Francesco Costa, Women’s Creative Director of Calvin Klein, said this:

“Did anyone ever say they were real from Calvin Klein? I always assumed everyone knew they were fake, but I guess not. The source awesomely adds, “Do they really make dresses out of real jewels since Cleopatra died?”

The thief was apparently all bent out of shape and said he called TMZ just to “expose Hollywood’s fake bullshit” but he just comes off looking like a moron thinking he was, what, going to pawn a $150,000 peal dress and not get nabbed.

Stupid is a stupid does.

Wow. Her dressing room hasn’t even been fumigated yet and already people are coming for Kelly Osborne’s Fashion Police gig.

The two front-runners, and I mean they’re a couple of heifers racing down a chute into the rodeo ring, are Khloe Kardastrophe and NeNe Leakes. Ryan Seacrest, who practically runs E! is said to be Team Khloe while UsWeekly says NeNe is in it to win it.

A source close to Khloe — it’s Khloe, really — says, “She was supposed to do it last time and passed. She may consider doing it again but the offer would have to be really high. It’s a lot of extra work for her.”

‘Extra work’? Bitch, please. Khloe has never had a job.

As for NeNe, rumor has it that shortly after The Great Joan Rivers™ passed away, NeNe’s name was bandied about as a replacement.

Again. Bitch, please. Kill the show already. It has been the same without JR.

And ... women who dress like this are going to be Fashion Police?

There’s always been the idea that the Kennedy’s are America’s Royal Family, and it’s kinda true … in that some of them are spoiled, self-indulgent, pampered, drunk in public and dumb.

Like Robert Kennedy Jr.’s underage daughter, Kyra, who made a scene when she was refused entry at club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona an upstate New York recently.

The 19-year-old made a drunken stink at the club when security didn’t accept her ID — a passport belonging to her 26-year-old half-sister, Kick.

One witness — and it could’a been Lohan because it was at a nightclub and that girl lives in nightclubs — said, “A security guard took Kick’s passport from Kyra and asked her to recite her birth date, and she didn’t know it. He then caught her trying to look up Kick’s birthday on Wikipedia on her phone. 

The security guard then refused to return the passport, and Kyra started shouting all this stuff, including, ‘I am a Kennedy, Google me. If you don’t let me in, the governor will be calling.’”

Lovely. Her grandfather would be so proud.

I just love a Bitter Old Queen Fight … and I don’t mean Carlos and I have a spat over breakfast about who didn’t do the laundry ... I mean a Global Bitter Old Queen Fight.

Y’all remember when Madge took a tumble at the BRIT Awards after a dancer tried to remove the cape she was wearing — to reveal her matador outfit — and he ended up heels over tits on the floor? Well, afterwards Madge admitted the cape was tied too tightly and the staging wasn’t exactly as they had rehearsed, but she thanked Giorgio Armani for making the cape.

But it seems like Giorgio had his bikini briefs on backwards because he took a swipe at Madge for no apparent reason, saying the bull fighter’s cape that took her down was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook but she wanted it tied instead:

“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult. That’s all there was to it.”

Okay, so Madge changed the closure on the cape, but she’s the one who took the fall. Why is Bitter Old Queen Giorgio throwing shade at Bitter Old Queen Madge? We all know she’s “very difficult”. What does that have to do with her fall though?

I think Giorgio is suggesting that when he wears the cape around his house and his scantily clad male dancers pull it off of him to reveal his toreador suit, he doesn’t fall down and go BOOM so why should she?

Sometimes these things write themselves …

Y’all remember Amy Pascal; the former Sony Pictures boss who emails were hacked and showed what a b***h she was and so she was kicked to the curb. Well, in this case ‘the curb’ was a downshift position to ‘on-the-lot producer’ in a smaller office once used by Seth Rogen.

But the movie is being delayed because of Rogan’s love of marijuana. The suite Pascal’s set to take over reeks of pot thanks to its most recent occupants, Rogen and his Interview directing partner Evan Goldberg.

The offices will be repainted in an attempt to get rid of the smell, as the ALLEGED stench had seeped into the flooring — some say they could smell it two floors away.

Rogan for his part is fuming — get it, fuming — about the story, at first calling it untrue, and then saying he was angry that they would call his pot ‘stench.’