It's Snarkurday!

I love romance; that first glimpse; the first time you speak; that first date; that first kiss, the first “time” and the first private detective you hire to follow your lover.

Oh, that’s not me, it’s, as Carlos calls her, Jell-O, or JLo.

Last month, JLo’s relationship with A-Rod was hit hard when The National Enquirer claimed that he was cheating on her with a fitness model. And that’s when JLo hired a private detective to get to the bottom of it and because, as a source says, she’s “really into him.”

Trouble is, A-Rod found out and, yeah, he’s not happy; the couple had a huge fight, though they’re trying to mend their relationship for the public.

Still, how did A-Rod find out? Was it that he saw a big Bloodhound wearing Sherlock’s hat and looking at him through a magnifying glass that gave it away? I mean, maybe JLo went on the cheap for her PI; and you’d think after Casper she’d know better than that.

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Well, they say that everything you put out on social media stays out there, even if you try and delete it.

The same can be said for actual handwritten letters, like the one Madonna wrote years back to a friend—named ‘J’—where she bashed Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone as “horribly mediocre.”

And believe you me, Madonna knows all about horribly mediocre ... she’s made a career of it. But, back to the letter ... which says:

“It’s so unequivocally frustrating to read that Whitney Houston has the music career I wish I had and Sharon Stone has the film career I’ll never have. Not because I want to be these women — because I’d rather die, but they’re so horribly mediocre and they’re always being held up as paragons of virtue [or] some sort of measuring stick to humiliate me.”

She wanted Whitney’s drug habit and Stone’s vagina on movie screens? What then?

The letter is up for auction and might fetch as much as $5,000.

Seriously. 5K to read a letter proving Madonna’s an insecure idiot? There, I gave it to you for free!

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The “fashion” label for Kendall and Kylie Jenner—the youngest idiots in that family—announced that it has sold just two of the “vintage” T-shirts with late rapper Tupac Shakur‘s image on them before pulling them from stores.

The Kendall + Kylie brand released that statement because they’re being sued for copyright infringement by Michael Miller, a commercial photographer who shot the image of Tupac that the Jenner Morons stole.

How lovely to hear them admit that they sold just two shirts after splashing themselves all over social media in them.

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So, are Jay-Z and Yeezy beefin’? Does anybody really care? Well, if you do, here’s this:

It’s no secret to anyone who does care that Jay and Kanye have been on the outs for a while ... like right after Kanye took up with porn star Kim Kardastrophe.

See, Jay and Bey don’t like Kim—which is the only thing I like about Jay and Bey. Now, they don’t hate her, they just don’t want her anywhere near them. So, while some folks are saying the Jay-Z-Yeezy beef is about Tidal, or a loan from one to the other, can sit down; it’s Kim.

Jay-Z is still so pissed about fighting with Kanye West that he addressed it on the opening track of his new album “4:44” ... some nine months after West ranted about Jay-Z and wife Beyoncé onstage before checking himself into the hospital for “crazy.

It appears Kanye’s rant was really about Kim and Beyoncé not being friends and Kanye being upset about that. He feels that since he and Jay-Z do business together why shouldn’t their wives be friends?

Now, folks say that this, too, shall pass ... but don’t hold your breath for Kim and Beyoncé to do lunch or anything.

Unless they can Tweet it, Instagram it, Snapchat it, and get more likes than the other one.

It’s about tacky reality star versus media hungry hair whipper and lip sync’er ... it’s about crazy rapper and cheating rapper.

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Never ask Shia LaBeouf to hold your beer for you because he can’t even hold his own liquor.

See what I did there?

Okay ... Shia’s currently filming The Peanut Butter Falcon in Savannah, Georgia, where he was taken into custody at 4 AM last Saturday morning for disorderly conduct, obstruction and public drunkenness.

Trifecta!

Shia posted bond, which was $3,5000, and is already back in the bars but let’s read what he said to police officers who tried to arrest him that night:

“Take these cuffs off. I’m a f**king American, I pay my taxes. Get these sh*ts off my f**king arms … You’re going to put these sh*ts off my arms or you’ll be f**king f**ked.”

Shia began an Apology Tour, not after the arrest, but after video of his drunken, profanity-laced arrest hit the Internet. And I doubt that will be the last time that happens.

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Ben Affleck has a new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus ... or does he?

Is she that new? Maybe not, because it appears that Ben and Lindsay ... Bindsey? Afflookus? ... have ALLEGEDLY been boning while he was dating, and married, to Jennifer Garner ... and while Shookus was married to fellow SNL producer Kevin Miller.

Yummy. The STD Pool is open!

Sources say Ben and Lindsay have known each other for a while and in 2013, they got into some double home wrecking messiness when they started banging each other in NYC hotel rooms, or sexting each other constantly.

Sources—and it’s likely to be Garner—say both Jennifer and Kevin found out about the affair in 2015 and were both “devastated.” That was the same year Ben and Jennifer, Lindsay and Kevin, “officially” broke up.

And here we all thought his jump-off was The Nanny.

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A month ago, an extremely awkward and random celebrity interaction happened after Kesha tried to hug Jerry Seinfeld and he ran away in disgust. We’ve heard Jerry’s side of things ... he had no idea what a Kesha was and why she was coming for him ... and now it’s Kasha’s turn to, well, whine, saying she was “a little hug traumatized” by Seinfeld:

“I felt like I was five years old. I instantly was like, ‘Oh, fuck me.’ And I like somehow ended up in my very own episode, mini episode of Seinfeld for like five seconds. ... That’s fine. But I just was like, as soon as he didn’t hug me, I was like, ‘Oh, this is gonna be everywhere.’ I should have known better. I’ve seen the hugging episode. That was my fault.”

Kesha now claims Jerry’s hug refusal has nearly cost her the ability to hug at all until she played a festival with Bob Dylan, who gave her “the most wonderful, healing Bob Dylan hug.”

Thank god for that because I was about to start a GoFundMe page so Kesha could fight her Hug Disorder.

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So, now that Jennifer Garner is spilling the tea ... ALLEGEDLY ... about Ben Affleck’s year’s long infidelity with SNL producer Lindsay Shookus, we are hearing more about how she’ll handle the next ex-Missus Affleck.

Jennifer has gone into “mama bear mode” since Ben brought Lindsay into the light. In fact, she’s been Mama Bear since 2015, when she first learned of their affair and tracked Lindsay down in New York and confronted her. No one is saying what happened during the confrontation, except that Lindsay refused to quit Ben.

So Garner did the next best thing ... she tracked down Lindsay’s ex-husband Kevin Miller after appearing on an episode of Late Night with Seth Meyers where Kevin is a producer. And even though Kevin and Lindsay were through by then, Garner showed him a string of set messages from his ex to her ex.

Next up, Jennifer may place a call to her good friends at Capital One and have a certain someone’s new side-piece’s credit cards cancelled.

That’s what I would do.

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It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Marie Presley has been married ... a lot; I mean, we all know about the Michael Jackson sham and the Nicholas Cage crazy, but there are others; and that means she’s been divorced ... a lot, too. But normally her divorces are quiet and quick, until this current one—I won’t say ‘last one’ because ... it’s Lisa Marie—from Michael Lockwood, her husband of ten years, is getting ugly.

Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old girls who are now in the custody of the LA County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer ... something along the lines of child porn, though no one is really saying.

Lisa Marie says the images and videos made her “sick to her stomach” and so she called the Beverly Hills Police Department; using a search warrant, they found the questionable images and videos, and also confiscated 80 ... eighty??? ... of Michael’s devices.

Now the divorce is not just irreconcilable differences, but about the ALLEGATIONS of “sexual abuse and neglect” against Michael Lockwood and, while he wants spousal support, she is claiming to be broke.

Yup, Lisa Marie is broker than broke. She’s already gone through her $300 million inheritance from Daddy Elvis, owes $7.3 million to the IRS, is $655,000 in debt, and is living with her daughter Riley Keough and her husband.  

And, she says, her brokeness is ALLEGEDLY Lockwood’s fault because, again, she says, he stole from her and failed to make the payments on her English manor house and so she owes another $5.4 million there.

But, to be fair, this is what constitutes broke in Lisa Marie’s life: she receives $100,000 a month from her father’s estate and another $4,361 monthly for being the creative director at Graceland. Over 100K a month is broke? That’s almost $3,500 a day. I should be so broke.

Now, I don’t know if Lisa Marie is broke—okay, I know she’s not Bob Broke, she’s Presley broke—and I don’t know if her husband is some kind of Subway Jared perv, but I do know that this is one fugly split.

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Speaking of celebrity divorces, it now appears that after splitting up—perhaps because of Ben’s dalliance with the nanny—Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are finally, truly, really done being husband-and-wife.

Ben has moved out of the guest house and Jennifer is filing papers. I’m kinda glad because this marriage-is-over-but-he’s-living-in-the-guest-house-and-we-take-vacations-together mess has gone on too long.

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Poor Little Justin Bieber ... back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of stealing a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission. So now she’s suing, but getting Justin to talk may be hard.

Bieber was scheduled to give a deposition last week, but didn’t even show up. He called in sick ... well, the nanny called in sick ... he couldn’t talk with the rectal thermometer in his mouth.

But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he’s #FakeNews and say they have proof via several YouTube videos showing him partying with his friends in the early morning hours before his scheduled deposition... damn you, YouTube ... and then hours after calling in sick, Bieber, posted more pictures to Instagram of him drinking with his friends.

To be fair, no one ever said he was smart.

Casey’s lawyers are pissed, because they flew from Nashville to LA for the deposition, so now they want Bieber to give his make-up deposition in March in Nashville.

I imagine his excuse for missing that deposition is that he got locked inside the overhead compartment on the plane.

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Katherine Heigl had it made; she was the It Girl on Grey’s Anatomy back in the day, but then her head got too big and she ran from that show to make movies. A few were successful, but then even her films were bust so she went trotting back to TV. Her first foray of shame was in something called State of Affairs, which was cancelled about halfway through the first hour it was on.

So, don’t blink, because Heigl is back in a new show called Doubt and there is no doubt that it will die a quick death.

But this story is about her promoting Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and Corden saying he’d heard—or had been told, by Heigl—that John Mayer had something to do with her finding her husband and falling in love and blahblahblah.

See, about a month after Heigl and Josh Kelley started dating, she says that she didn’t know if he was serious, and so she started “hanging out”—banging—John Mayer; she swears they never “did it” but says she just used John  to make Josh jealous:

“[John] wasn’t interested in me in that way, but he would talk to me about like other hot girls and stuff. It was friends! But Josh didn’t know that. But Josh, to this day, doesn’t quite believe me ... But I did use it a little bit to put a fire under him. It was like, ‘Hey, if this isn’t exclusive and you’re dating other people, that’s fine, but I’m going to continuing seeing John.'”

Seriously, Josh was jealous of John Mayer? I mean, Mayer has banged garbage cans in LA and if Heigl thinks that’s an endearing quality to make Josh jealous then the two of them, the three of them, are crazy.

Or maybe Josh Kelley knew they were banging and sacrificed himself to save the world from a Heigl-Mayer spawn.

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Two years after Nicole Kidman escaped the cult of Scientology Tom Cruise, there were rumors she was dating Lenny Kravitz.  I remember hearing that and thinking, “Lucky bitch,” but neither Nicole nor Lenny ever confirmed it ... until now.

Nicole is starring in a new HBO series Big Little Lies and one of her co-stars is, small world, Lenny’s daughter Zoë Kravitz, and when Nicole was interviewed about the show and the other actresses and how they all knew each other, she said this:

“Well, I knew Zoë because I was engaged to her father. It’s all in the family! I love Lenny; he’s a great guy.”

Back in 2007, Nicole admitted she had been engaged to someone before marrying Keith Urban in 2006, but she wouldn’t say to whom ... and now we know.

Seriously, it looks like some celebrities don’t have to share their every moment with the media ... though this romance was back in the days before everyone had a smart phone and an Instagram account.

And again, I’ve seen the video of Lenny onstage and he splits his pants down the middle and so, again, “Lucky bitch.”

Even if it was a short engagement.

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Sometimes it’s best when athletes don’t speak; I mean, make your coins from your athletic prowess, but don’t talk, at all.

Case in point, Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving who has just come out ... no, not that way ... to say that the earth is flat.  Oh, but he did; he said it on the Road Trippin’ with RJ & Channing podcast:

“This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

He says science is just opinion and that sometimes—shades of Hair Furor—they lie, because he did learn that the earth was round but found that to be a lie?

What the what? It got to be such a story in the NBA that even LeBron James weighed in, saying “if he decides he wants to say the Earth is flat, so be it. He’s an interesting guy, and he believes it.” 

What the ... ? LeBron? You need to sit down and rethink that statement because what you should have said was something along the lines of, “How cute, but the earth isn’t flat and science isn’t just some guy’s opinion.

And Irving? Child, you need to stop talking and get back to class.

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Harrison Ford is one of those movie stars who like to fly planes and for a while he was good at it. Then he flew one into the ground and seriously injured himself, and last week he ALLEGEDLY landed his plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at the John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, California and nearly missed hitting another plane carrying 110 passengers.

And now his newest role is playing the subject of an FAA investigation because, as he was coming in for a landing on the wrong runway, he asked the tower:

“Was that airliner meant to be underneath me?”

And that answer would be, “No, fool! You aren’t supposed to be over that airliner!”

And, not only that, Ford also ALLEGEDLY misidentified what kind of plane he was piloting and was ALLEGEDLY broadcasting to the wrong tower!

I’m thinking Hans should no longer fly Solo.

See what I did there ... ah, who cares!

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Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoons because M-I-C ... see ya real soon ... K-E-Y ... why, because we need the coins.

And now comes word that Disney will be doing a live version of The Little Mermaid and, color me crazy, but Lindsay Lohan wants to be the mermaid.

On her Instagram page, Lohan actually put a photo of herself alongside a picture of cartoon Ariel, and then announced that she wants Bill Condon to direct, and her sister, Ali, to do a song for the film, and that Kat Graham should play Ursula.

Sadly, were this version of The Little Mermaid be made, it would end up with Ariel in prison for killing someone in an undersea bar fight.

Seriously, Lindsay? Sit down before you fall down.

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Remember how broke Tori Spelling is? I mean, the IRS is after her, as are most credit card companies because Tori and her husband Dean McDermott don’t pay their bills.

And so what better way to try and get out of debt than to become pregnant with your fifth child and then ask your Mommy, Candy Spelling, to throw you a lavish baby shower. Nothing says I can’t pay my bills than a $40,000 party for a fetus.

Money that could have been used to pay off a credit card or, oh, I don’t know, maybe pay off Dean’s ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, the one he left after he started schtupping the married to someone else, Tori.

See, Dean owes Mary Jo thousands of dollars in back child support for their 18-year-old son Jack, and after seeing Tori’s Instagram of the FetusFest, Mary Jo is expected to rake Dean’s ass over the coals next month in court.

But, hey, back child support, or a party for your fifth child?

Asked and answered.

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So, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black became the Cute-Hot-New-Gay couple when they hooked up a few years ago, but maybe the newly out Tom should’a waited awhile before settling down, because, ALLEGEDLY, he’s kind of a photo-sharing, model-banging player.

See, Tom ALLEGEDLY sent a soft-core—it wasn’t hard, if you get my drift—porn video to a fan on Snapchat while, he claims, that he and Dustin were Ross-and-Rachel’ing it, i.e. they were on a break.

But he also had a bit of thing, and a couple of more things, with a model named Edward William whom he met on a London street. They started “hanging out” a year after Tom and Dustin became an item, and Edward has ALLEGEDLY “hung out” with both men several times.

But then Edward and Tom became “f**k buddies” whenever Dustin left town and for a year-and-a-half Ed was Tom’s booty call. Now, to be fair, some folks say Tom and Dustin have an open relationship so maybe Dustin knew?

But if he knew, and he saw that guy, wouldn’t he have gone off? I mean, I would ...

Edward and Tom stopped doing each other in 2015 when Tom got engaged to Dustin and Edward found a boyfriend who was less trick and more full-time.

Happy endings all around, or so it appears.

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It's Snarkurday!

Jennifer Garner is getting the Poor Jen read after her marriage to Ben Affleck crumbled under the weight of NannyGate, but is she really all that innocent?

Garner was once married to Scott Foley when she was ALLEGED to have done the nasty with her Alias co-star, Michael Vartan; Foley says the breakup was due to the pressures of stardom, but were they really "stars"? I think not. And then there’s the tale that Garner dumped Vartan the minute she hooked up with Affleck, and there may have been some overlap in bang time there. In fact, during a 2013 interview, when Jen was with Michael and Ben was with JLo, the duo was very openly flirtatious, so maybe ….

But now it appears that Garner has taken a step back, er, backwards, and has reconnected with Vartan and is “secretly hooking up” with him as he also deals with a broken marriage of his own

Well, I say, good for her, because at least Vartan isn’t the Garner-Affleck pool boy because schtupping the help is Ben’s area of expertise.

Okay … ALLEGEDLY.

Rumor has it that Susan Sarandon, who recently broke up with her table-tennis boy-toy, has set her sights on Jake Gyllenhaal.

B*tch! Jake is 32 years younger than Susan, who met him and smiled at him, and even kinda cuddled him, at the Southpaw premiere, which is what started all the rumors.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan speaking to us from the bottom of a box of Chardonnay — says:

“The rumor is they’ve been hooking up on the down-low.”

Can’t we just say that Jake is on the down low? Can’t I just have that much?

There are always so many Kylie Jenner stories these days since she finally became of legal age … like the one that says Kylie is two months pregnant with Tyga’s baby, but they waited until she was 18 before telling anyone because, well, statutory rape.

But that’s apparently not a true tall tale, though what might be true is that now that Kylie is no longer jail bait, Tyga can actually appear on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and is set to make some $500,000 a year on the show.

It’s his romance with Kylie that has spurred the talk to get him on the show, and has spurred That Woman … That Mother … to invite him on their Bora Bora vacation.

It looks like Kylie is the one getting pimped out now that Kim is married for longer than a minute, and Khloe is busy with her lip injections and Kourtney is not yet divorced and Kendall doesn’t want to be a Kardastrophe.

Who else can That Woman pimp out?

Whatever happened to Mel Gibson? I mean, he was a huge movie star and everybody loved him until he got busted for a DUI and gave that epic anti-Semitic rant.

Then the confirmed Catholic divorced his wife to hook-up with his Baby Mama and that didn’t last. And so he made a couple of movies that went nowhere, and so, since his career has never been the same, what is Mel to do?

Mel, who is fifty-nine, is Australia right now with his 24-year-old girlfriend, Rosalind Ross, on a “working” vacation, though they mostly seemed to be out and about posing for the paparazzi. And that’s where Mel got ugly … again.

Mel and Rosalind were getting snapped by photographer Krista Miller when he went ape-shit, er, Mel-shit, and now Krista is telling the tale.

She took a picture of the couple on the street when Mel claimed she invaded his space and went off:

“I took a photo of Mel and his girlfriend and when I turned around he shoved my back really hard. It shocked me because I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t know if it was his hands or elbow. I thought he was going to punch me in the face. He was spitting in my face as he was yelling at me, calling me a dog, saying I’m not even a human being and I will go to hell. He swore and called me a c**t. It was non-stop, he didn’t even breathe.”

Finally he stopped after his 35-years-younger girlfriend told him to snap out of it.

Yeah, it takes a twenty-something to keep a nearly sixty-something Mel Gibson in line. I wonder if she’s more nanny than girlfriend?

Miller reported the incident to the police, who are investigating and hoping to find some camera footage of the incident. Meanwhile, Mel’s’ ‘people,’ and that may be just a bartender at his local pub, is saying that nothing happened; nothing at all.

Like his career?

Justin Bieber has a new song coming out and his representatives aren’t taking any chances that he’ll do something stupid and ruin the money train they’re all riding so they have scheduled no live interviews with the little brat.

Too bad they can’t so the same thing for his, um, singing?

Well, it looks like Terrence Howard’s ongoing personal drama — he is in the midst of divorcing his third wife, while still fighting the divorce settlement with Wife #2 — is affecting his role on FOX’s Empire.

Apparently Howard’s role on the show will be “scaled back” this season because of his ongoing courtroom battles and the resurfacing of domestic violence allegations.

At the end of last season, Howard’s character Lucious Lyon was arrested for murder, so maybe it’ll be easy to film without Howard.

A source — and it may be Cookie or it may be Boo Boo Kitty — says:

“What they are doing is two-fold. They have him locked up so you won’t be seeing him in as many scenes. But they are bringing in so many, and I mean so many, guest stars and cameos that the average viewer won’t realize it because there is so much going on.”

Guest stars like Mimi and Pitbull, Chris Rock, Ludacris, Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz and Marisa Tomei.

But that doesn’t matter to me because the best part of this — besides less Howard, an actor I find sleazy even when he’s not playing sleazy — is that Taraji P. Henson’s role as Cookie Lyon will be beefed up.

More Cookie is always good.

Well well well … look who’s back: Lindsay Lohan.

So, we know that Lindsay is now the European Unions’ problem, no? And we’re fine with that, yes?

She considers London to be her home, but has spent the summer partying on the continent, and recently attended a wedding in Florence where, as in typical I wanna be the star fashion, Lohan showed up in a long white gown with a tiara in her head.

Uh huh.

And while at the wedding Lohan also acted the fool, and since the rumors of her bad behavior broke, she is now claiming that “someone” drugged her at the wedding.

Sidenote: does anyone know it Cosby was in attendance?

Anyway, after being drugged [?] at the wedding, Lohan apparently went back to her villa at El Motel Sesso, and was running around naked saying she was drugged.

But that wasn’t all … during the actual ceremony Lohan ALLEGEDLY passed the time painting her nails. And then, at the reception, she fumed because someone took her picture, and began shrieking, in a British accent — wait, so she’s Madonna, now? — “Who took my photo?” and then commandeered the DJ booth so she could play Brandy’s ‘The Boy Is Mine’ over and over again.

Oh, and then she claimed that someone stole her jewelry while she partied, which is odd because usually it’s Lohan who cops the gems.

So, does anyone really believe that anyone other than Lohan drugged Lohan? Does anyone else wonder why you’d play ‘This Boy Is Mine’ at a wedding unless you were trying to send the bride a message … especially when you showed up wearing white?

God, how I have missed my Lohan!