Golden Globes Fashion [?] Round-Up

After a year away from TV, due to a scandal involving the utter lack of diversity in the Hollywood Foreign Press—let that sink in—the Golden Globes returned to Tv, and my fashion round-up and snark have followed suit. So let’s roll …

BEST

Letitia Wright, from Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, in what seems to be a simple, rather unconstructed dress, but really looks like a work of modern art. Extra points for the styling and the fact that she looked like no one else on the red Carpet.

VERY GOOD

Ana de Armas, Blonde and Knives Out, is another simple dress, the glittering front and back panels … is it armor … elevated it a notch.

Jean Smart, Hacks, proves you don’t need color and glitz and sparkle to looks chic and fabulous.

Michaela Jae Rodriguez, the first out trans actress to win a Golden Globe for acting, Pose,  brought the sheen and the glamour and the color. Regal and elegant and fashion forward.

GOOD

Angela Bassett, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, shines; Bassett usually keeps it sleek and elegant but this year she brought the sparkle, and won a Globe for Supporting Actress in a  Drama.

Hilary Swank, Alaska Daily, very pregnant, and yet very elegant in a gorgeous green number that might have been better without the floor-length, and beyond, ribbons.

Jessica Chastain, George and Tammy, in a sexy Kiss of the Spiderwoman-esque slinky number.  

NICE

clockwise

Jennifer Hudson looks fine, but she looks like an actual Golden Globe and that drives me a little crazy.

Monica Barbaro, Top Gun: Maverick, looks nice; it’s pretty and simple, from head to toe but could have use a glimmer of sparkle.

Viola Davis looks regal and elegant, but it was raining in LA last night and it looks like the hem of her dress helped soak up some of the moisture. Note to Viola: get a stylist who will lift the dress up as you cross the puddles.

Sheryl Lee Ralph looks regal in a gorgeous purple sequined number, but the dress looks so heavy; there’s no airiness to it. And that 1970os Cher Hair™ was a miss.

GOOD THEN MEH

Jenna Ortega looked sexy and chic in a strappy beige flowy dress with a semi-bare midriff, while Lily Rose tried the same thing in a boxy baggy billowy dear good could there be more fabric red number.

Jenna won this round.

MEH

Clockwise

Daisy Edgar Jones, Where the Crawdads Sing; why are women still doing the negligee look? This looks like what one might wear under the actual gown.

Jenny Slate looks like she’s off to prom at the ice cream shop; it’s the definition of Meh.

Margot Robie, Babylon, is a movie star,  but this looks like a leftover, rehashed skating costume from her I, Tony Days; and the limp hair? Margot? Again, you’re a movie star!

Selena Gomez is a young pretty girl so why trot out one of grandma’s old gowns that is ill-fitting and has sleeves the size of a Yaris and long strappy ribbons?

Quinta Bruson, Abbot Elementary, is a petite woman lost in the mermaid mess of tulle. And every time you saw her last night she was hitching up the top to keep her girls from escaping. Note: if you have to yank your dress up every five minutes, maybe strapless isn’t for you?

Michelle Williams, The Fablemans, used to work the blond pixie hair and simple chic clothes and she was all that and a bag of chips. In this ruffled mess, with the Mom Hair™ she looks less all that and more bag of chips.

BAD

Rhea Seehorn, Better Call Saul, looks like a sweet young woman who decided to Bedazzle™ and old flowered slip cover and wear it. No, honey, no.

Anya Taylor-Joy wears the usual barely there dress to accentuate the fact that she herself is barely there.

Claire Dane. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? This looks like 1950s negligee missed with 1940s Little Bo Peep Sexy Times with a little wedding cake and feathers tossed in because …. Why the hell not?

WORST

Heidi Klum. I keep wondering why a fashion model has zero fashion sense. I mean, even I know if you can see the nude illusion fabric, it’s not very nude illusion is it?  And this hot mess of Space Age Saloon Girl is a d-i-saster. Oh, and Heidi, another note: if you can see the results of the Botox and the fillers and the chemicals peels and you no longer look like yourself, maybe it’s time to stop; see Madonna.

Lisa Marie Presley used to be a beautiful woman but has morphed into a caricature of her parents, with Dad’s droopy eyelids, and face, and Mom’s penchant for the Bad Beehive™.

Liza Koshy. Whoever suggested the light lacy see-though dress and the Frankenstein clodhoppers needs to be removed from fashion forever.

WTF

Salma Hayek. Her husband owns Gucci, Saint Laurent, Balenciaga, Bottega Veneta and Alexander McQueen, so why does she have thew absolute worst taste? This dress looks like something so old-school that the school was demolished and is now a KFC. Seriously, Salma, your husband is a billionaire and you left the house in this cheap knock-off number?

THE MEN

BEST

Jeremy Pope, The Inspection, is an out gay actor who was on fire last night in this leather number. I had to pause the show every time the camera stopped on him, w hich was often, because, damn, he’s a beautiful man.

VERY GOOD

Clockwise

Colmon Domingo, Euphoria, another out gay actor who broke down the walls of what men could wear to awards shows in this tuxedo studded with crystals. He said he wanted to look like a black diamond and I wanted to polish him.

Greg Tarzan Davis, Top Gun: Maverick, worked a dark olive green tuxedo, and I mean he worked it, though I do have one request: since your nickname is Tarzan, next time rock the loincloth for me.

Henry Golding, Persuasion, looks simple and elegant, but notched it up a big by going velvet and double-breasted

Ram Charan, RRR, is an Indian actor who also decided to skip the basic tuxedo and go for something a bit more modern. I do love a man in a long Nehru jacket and now I am on the hunt for on … the jacket, not the man in the jacket, unless …

BASIC

Clockwise

Matt Bomer, American Horror Stories. Y’all I love me a Bomer, and he is classically handsome, but seriously, Matty, the same, classic Tuxedo? I’m not happy.

Danny Ramirez, Tales of the Walking Dead, is interchangeable with Matt., except he brought the shoe game.

Diego Calva, Babylon, used a little color for his tux, but it’s still basic, even including the boutonnière that looks like his girlfriend made it from her undies.

Evan Peters, Dahmer. I could kill him and eat his flesh for boring me with this look.

Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All at Once. I get it that he has been working much, but you got a nomination, man, put some effort into it.

Glen Powell, Tog Gun: Maverick, looks stiff, and not in the way I like my men to be stiff. Yawn.

NO

Clockwise

Andrew Garfield, Under the Banner of Heaven, needed someone to tell him that Pumkin Spice season is over.

Sebastian Stan, Pam and Tommy, is usually scorching hot, but here he looks angry … like his bow-tie fell off in the limo and no one told him.

Justin Hurwitz, Babylon musical score, also missed the end of Pumpkin Spice, but thought he’d eke by wearing what looks like a corduroy tuxedo. Corduroy? I’m about to go Joan Crawford on his ass.

Eddie Redmayne, The Good Nurse, is very pretty … almost too pretty. But this boring chocolate brown suit, with the chocolate brown t-shirt and the ginormous flower made of extra lapel fabric, ruins everything.

MEH WITH A CAVEAT

Billy Porter once again rocked the tuxedo ball gown like he did at the Oscars a few years back and I was going to read him for filth until I learned he was honoring Ryan Murphy, and Murphy asked him to wear that iconic look. Billy said, “Bitch, it’s in a museum,” and so he had this fuchsia number made.

YOU’RE NOT TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Josh Richards is an, ahem, social media influencer, but I have news for Josh. How do you influence people by trying to look exactly like someone else, someone far more famous? You don’t, dear, you don’t. Try as you might, you’ll never Chalamet.

BAD

Clockwise

Donald Glover, Atlanta, looked like he’d been sitting at home in his jammies and was reminded the Globes were happening and so he threw on a tuxedo jacket. Should’a stayed in bed, Don.

Barry Keoghan, The Banshees of Inisherin, never ever heard that Baby Blue Tuxedo-ish suits were over??? C’mon man, read a newspaper.

Matty Matheson, chef, is all kinds of wrong from the glasses to the shoes, to the hand tats to the too-tight shirt.

Tyler James Williams, Abbot Elementary, in an ill-fitting … suit? Is it? I mean, maybe it’s the stance but one pants leg seems shorter than the other, and the fabric looks like he got caught in the rain and used the red carpet as a spot to dry off.

WTF MEN’S EDITION

Seth Rogan, The Fablemans, knew that baby blue tuxedos were over so he opted for pink … and a cummerbund. It’s a No all the way around, and if he thinks he was doing this as a lark or a joke, the joke is on him.

What did YOU think?

Oscar Fashion: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Kenndal Jenner and The Oh My God You Are Soooo Hot.

THE VERY BEST

Helen Mirren. She is ageless, timeless, and gorgeous. Fun and flirty and a dazzling smile.

THE BEST

Regina King. Fabulous, simple, but with a thigh high slit that doesn’t look at all try hard or slutty. Fabulous.

Jennifer Hudson. The lady in red. Big shoulder flounces  were a ‘thing’ last night and hers was one of the best.

Angela Basset. Just the most beautiful woman, and so pretty in pink and rocking the big flouncy bow, too.

VERY GOOD—clockwise

Sarah Paulson always takes a risk and it almost always pays off. This one paid off because it was fash-shun, and gave a little skin at the waist.

Rachel Weisz also took a risk with the patent leather capelet. It was daring and yet still, somehow, cute and demure.

Amandla Stenberg took us back to Old Hollywood with some glittering fringe; sexy and slinky.

Lisa Bonet in mesh and lavender armor; it’s tough and sexy, just like Bonet. Plus, the length was different, not so gown-y.

Emilia Clarke gets points for both glitter and color.

Danai Gurira rocked the gold last night in this regal number. Someone else tried to do regal gold and lost, badly.

Charlize Theron would have been the very best, for me, but the color annoys me. I don’t like this baby blue, lavender lilac thing, but I love the sexy slinky business and the mullet-ness—business in the front and party in the rear—of it.

GOOD—clockwise

Brie Larson brought out the metal, and between the slinky dress and the newly blond hair, I thought she was Margot Robie …and so did the announcers on the E! channel.

Constance Wu is a bold fluttery parakeet in this one; it’s fun, and she was having fun.

Emma Stone is always a Favourite—see what I did there—and I love the bold pattern and the winged shoulders.

Queen Latifah looks stunning in a shiny black, curvy number, though I missed seeing her with her pregnant girlfriend. Just saying, come out already!

Kiki Layne also made the most of a big shoulder, though she kept the rest of the dress simple, in style and color.

Michelle Yeoh looks like a Crazy Rich Asian in this stunning shimmering ball gown. I could have done with the crunchy thing on her wrist though.

Laura Harrier in a sustainable dress. Eco friendly and chic is a win-win. Plus, you know, if I was a straight man, I’d say, “She’s hot.”

Gaga came dressed like a serious actress and posed like a serious actress. I’m glad she brought some fashion, but toned it down a bit, and I love the gloves.

Olivia Colman is simple and fun, though in this picture it looks like she’s got it on backwards. Still, it was elegant and chic for an Oscar winner.

MEH—clockwise.

Amy Adams. One day she’ll pick a new style and silhouette and one day I’ll turn straight. Yeah, ain’t gonna happen.

Christine Lahti looks fabulous … for dinner with the Ricardo’s in 1955. It’s just not Oscar.

Tina fey suffers from ‘Amy Adams Syndrome.’ Perhaps the two should get together and try something new?

Octavia Spencer. We’ve seen you in this before …we’ve seen that hair before. Moving along …

JLo is a mirrored dress so that A-Rod could look at her and see himself a thousand times over.

Laura Dern. One look at that forced grin and you know even she thinks this is an ugly dress.

Melissa McCarthy. I wanted to like it, but that faux-hawk annoyed me. Add tot hat that the pants part of the look didn’t seem to fit very well and, well, yeah.

Kelly Ripa. Why? Why is she at the Oscars? Why is she dress for Prom?

BAD—clockwise

Awkwafina. I have no problem with the menswear look, but this looked sloppy and all one-note.

Kacey Musgraves. With he three ruffled skirt, and the ruffled shoulders and the ruffles at the writs, I was totally ruffled out. I believe it was coco Chanel who said, ‘Before you leave the house in that many ruffles, take a look in the mirror, and then stay home.’

Laura Marano. I have o idea who she is, and I have no idea why she’s dressed like a piece of Kandy Korn left out in the sun since Halloween.

Maya Rudolph. Try and convince me that dress isn’t made from drapes. Just try …

Amy Poehler also chose the menswear idea, but it’s just too severe. It’s nowhere near as fun as Amy.

Molly Sims. You know those crazy people in the tin foil hats? Molly took it a step further.

Gemma Chan. I guess since she’d seen both Gaga and JLo rock the giant balloon dress, she thought she’d try it too. But you can’t, Gemma. No …No.

Glenn Close. What was she thinking? That she was a shoo-in for Oscar, so she’d dress like one on steroids? The dress part is nice, but the cape is overkill, in that I’d like to through it over the designer and kill them for doing this to Close.

WORST—clockwise.

Cicely Tyson. The great Cicely Tyson looks like a crow in bondage.

Sza. A singer whose name is pronounced ‘siz-zah’. It looks like someone took a pair of sizzah’s to this dress and her hair.

Hannah Beachler tried the big shoulder …and failed. It’s just too big, and too ugly.

Krysten Ritter. I like the dress, I do. But then I noticed that the pattern of the dress perfectly pointed out her nipples and vagina. It was off-putting, but then …I’m a homosexual.

Linda Cardelini. Dear Kacey Musgraves, I apologize for saying you had to many ruffles. Linda saw you and raised you a thousand flounces.

WORST OF THE WORST

Kendall Jenner at an Oscar after-party. I’m not saying she’s a whore but … yeah, she’s dressed like a whore. This is stupid, tasteless and ugly, and I bet That Woman picked it out.

HOTTEST MEN

Michael B, Jordan in blue velvet just screams sex … or maybe that was me screaming at the TV last night when I first saw him. Yeah, that’s it.

Henry Golding is old school glam hotness. I.Was.Stunned.

CLASSIC MEN—clockwise

Chris Evans. I’ve seen him nude and I’ve seen him in a suit. I’ve seen him with the beard, and I’ve seen him without. Any way you slice it, he’s hot.

James McAvoy is here for a couple of reasons … his baby blues and that accent.

David Oyelowo always seems to wear velvet, though he switches up the color, it ain’t easy being green, but he pulls it off.

Rami Malek is a tiny morsel of tuxedo chic, and now he has an Oscar that’s just as tall.

FASHION FORWARD MEN

Adam Lambert. At first, I was annoyed at the cuffs hanging out and flopping around, and then I was like, “I need those cuffs.”

Nicholas Hoult wore a tuxedo that had a cape-scarf thing with it. I kinda wish he’d have modeled it because I think it might have looked cool.

Chadwick Boseman always rocks a fashion moment—Sidenote: I loathe people who say ‘moment’ so not I loathe myself—and this is no exception. It’s fun and fashion and elegant.

Stephan James brought the color … and the white shoes. At first, I thought the footwear was all wrong, and then I liked it …perhaps because Stephan is so hot. At any rate, I wanna suit with floppy cuffs, a scarf-cape-sarong thing and some white shoes. I’m soooo try-hard.

FABULOUS MAN

Billy Porter is about the only man who could pull off a man skirt—a ‘mirt’ if you will—and he brought it. I think he looks amazing. I’m. Dying.

ZEN MAN

Mahershala Ali is just the most serene, sweet human being… though I could have done without the headwear.

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR MEN

Jason Momoa, Mr. Lisa Bonet. I like the risk of the pink velvet tuxedo, but I wish it fit better. The man is built like a brick … and a good suit would be fabulous.

Pharrell. Enough with the little boy suits and shorts. We get it, you think you’re adorable. We don’t.

Spike Lee. While I love that he finally won an Oscar—for my favorite movie from last year, BlacKkKlansman—this is too much; the Michael Jordan shoes, the Prince necklace; the rings that say Hate and Love. Tone it down Spike.

HOTTEST MAN 

AKA HOTTEST UNKNOWN MAN

Scott Evans is apparently some kind of TV personality for Access Hollywood, but he was smoldering up that carpet. My only quibble is that I wished he would have walked the carpet like this …

What did you think?

Blatantly Stolen From Joan Rivers on The Fashion Police

My Christmas card this year.

First the outside ....

Then the inside ....

Joy to the World!