The Funny Papers

Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Nick Anderson, Lalo Alcaraz, Pedro X Molina, Matt Wuerker

Bobservations

According to our local weather folks, we are expecting snowstorms, ice storms, rains storms, hailstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, locusts, frogs falling from the heavens and so much worse by the time Monday rolls around.

I can handle all of that, but what I cannot handle is Carlos’ sudden need to change the temperature from Fahrenheit to Celsius. This morning it was 28-degrees and after he heard that and muttered his standard cold morning “Oh fuck,” he said:

“It’s -2 degrees!”

“No, it’s 28—”

“In Celsius it’s -2!”

“We don’t use Celsius so stop staying that.”

Whispering as he wanders into the bathroom …

“Minus 2, minus 2, minus 2.”

I am gonna lower the temperature of the extra freezer and let Carlos nap in there all weekend and then see him mutter Celsius!

This Tuxedo Says is from August 2021 ...

Is anyone really surprised that after living with me for seventeen years Tuxedo is a liberal?

This week Virginia inaugurated Abigail Spanberger as its first female Governor, and since Blue now controls the state, this was done on Day One:

They have ended police cooperation with Cankles’ ICEstapo.

They passed new laws to combat Cankles’ gerrymandering and eliminated 4 House GOP seats.

They enshrined LGBTQ+ rights and abortion rights into the state’s Constitution.

They protected and expanded voting rights.

They fired GOP appointees to the UVA board.

They reestablished support for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion [DEI].

They accelerated their minimum wage increase.

They voted to build more housing to lower rents.

This is Blue and the Resistance at work and if it sounds good to you, the Vote Blue.

Can someone explain to me why the GOP and Cankles’ Fascist Regime say there is no money for healthcare but loads of cash to buy a foreign country??

Can someone also explain to me why, all of the sudden, there are no more “drug boats” in the Caribbean carrying fentanyl into the US?

And while we’re at it, can someone explain to María Corina Machado that giving away her Nobel Peace to the guy who bombed your country because he wants the oil, and then tried to make himself leader of her country, means she didn’t deserve the prize in the first place?

I love language and always like to use words that may have gone out of fashion, or are from a bygone era, just to keep them alive if only in my brain . But every once in a while I need a new word to add to my vocabulary and this weeks it’s:

Bitchuation

Any situation that forces me to act like a bitch.

And speaking of bitches, Nicki Minaj, who has the IQ of a puppet, went off on Don Lemon and the LGBTQ+ community because Lemon covered the anti-ICEstapo protest at a Minneapolis church over the weekend, saying:

“DON COCK SUCKIN’ LEMON IS DISGUSTING. HOW DARE YOU? I WANT THAT THUG IN JAIL!!!!! HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ANY OTHER RELIGION. LOCK HIM UP.”

First off, dumbass, enough with the Caps Lock. Secondly, get an education before you speak. He didn’t attack a religion, he reported on a pro-ICE minister and you responded with homophobic slurs like an illiterate pig might do. And when Lemon came for Minaj, she doubled-down against the entire LGBTQ+ community:

“LOL!!! And I purposely wrote it that way b/c I knew that would be the only way to get the cock suckers to post about it. They would have all collectively ignored the despicable behavior displayed by Lemon head. I’m glad they’re angry. They’re about to get angrier.”

Oh Nicki, from the LGBTQ+ community: Fuck ALL the way off.

Red baseball caps spoofing those MAGAt hats have become a symbol of Danish and Greenlandic defiance against Cankles threat to seize the frozen territory but they don’t say Make America Great Again, but instead beg Make America Go Away.

My, how far we’ve fallen in the world view since a racist rapist pedophile traitor and con artist took control.

Mitchell Saron is an American fencer who represented America at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris with his big saber so … Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that if you’re someone who has left my life, please do not bother hitting me with that ‘Merry Christmas” text. You are Feliz Navidead to me.

… that the only thing that has been consistent this whole year is the “What the Fuck”

… that being able to respond to sarcasm within seconds of hearing a stupid question is actually a sign of a really healthy brain

… that I am at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

… that, at the work safety meeting today, no one liked when I was asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire and I replied, “Fucking big ones!:

… that all that’s left when I run out of fucks to give is fuckdust.

… that new people at work always feel the need to tell me that they “love my energy” and I always feel the need to reply, “Is that why you’re draining it?”

… that no one realizes that when they see me on the street, it’s AI.

… that since I don’t want to end this years on bad terms with anyone, go ahead and apologize to me now.

… that because my mother raised me with manners I always know which fork to use at a formal dinner, but because she also didn’t raise a fool, I what artery to stick it into  so you’ll bleed out in one minute.

Why Is It ...

… that as I get older I no longer dislike Mondays … I dislike the whole week.

… that I used to fall asleep and lay in one position the entire night. Now I rotate like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or a hip hurts.

… that when people say, ‘Bob you are out of fucking control,’ I hear ‘Bob, you are such a free spirit.’

… that more often than not I find out without even getting the chance to fuck around.

… that people need constant reminding that no matter how they feel about me, there’s nothing they can do.

… that after work I was so excited to get that raise. I mean, it was in medication dosage, but I’ll take any win I can get.

… that some people think I have no self control. I have actually cooked meals for men I should have poisoned but didn’t.

… that people need to learn that I may not put the sparkle in their eyes, but I will put the WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I think the best way to get over somebody is with your car.

… that people don’t realize my social media posts are not targeted at anyone in particular, but if you feel offended I’m glad I could reach one person.

Why Is It ...

… that all of the sudden my neighbor hates me. At her garage sale I asked her  “How much for the angry gnome?” How was I supposed to know that was her kid.

… that my ducks are absolutely not in a row; I don’t even know where some of them are and I’m pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

… that people don’t understand that they should never ask me for advice. I will just give you a shot of tequila and tell you life’s a bitch.

… that no one told me that as I get older the weather app will become a part of my routine.

… that I just want to experience one full day without getting irritated … like a limited time offer of inner peace.

… that while I may not put the sparkle in your eye, I am responsible for those WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I one time I said, ‘I’m never getting out of this horrendous escape room’ amd my boss said,’You really have to stop saying that every time you clock out.

… that whenever I pick the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, I call it a Leg Day.

… that people should know that if they’ve ever felt that I don’t like them, for any reason, they should trust that feeling.

Meme Dump Week!!

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that when I’m at home, watching the news, I think, ‘Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?’ But when I’m driving I hate every single person on the planet?

… that I like the wrinkles that occur from laughter, but call the ones between my eyebrows , the deep ones, my WTF lines?

… that my ex once said he couldn’t live without me and I just found out he’s still alive; more lies!

… that I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me?

… that people don’t understand that I am worth every headache I give?

… that one of my rules is that we can only be friends if you’re kind of a bitch? Not a full on bitch because that’s no fun, and if you’re not a bitch at all, I’ll scare you too much. But halfway bitches? Those are my people.

… that my personality is basically a mix between a needy five-year-old child who cannot control his emotions, a teenage rebel who makes poor life decisions, and an eighty-year-old man who just wants to nap?

… that I get easily annoyed, but I also get pre-annoyed., knowing that someone is going to piss me off?

Bobservations

One day, while driving home, we encountered a traffic backup right here in Smallville! I know! Que horror! Luckily, I knew of a shortcut down an old dirt road called Chestnut Ferry; Carlos asked what I was doing.

“I hate the traffic on Dekalb, so I’m going to avoid the light and that intersection and go this way.”

“Oh—”

“And I can avoid the traffic coming out of Walmart—”

To which Carlos replied:

“You mean the Walmartians?”

And he is right.

In the height of ignorance, this week _____, in Japan, said he was not “personally” bothered by recent short-range missile tests North Korea.

Sadly,  Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, standing beside _____, said the missile tests violated U.N. Security Council resolutions and were “of great regret.”

But they don’t bother _____.  Asshat.

Don't bet on seeing a Harriet Tubman $20 bill anytime soon because the redesigned bill bearing her face, which was supposed to debut next year, will not be coming out for nearly a decade … because _____.

Tubman, who was born into slavery and became a noted abolitionist and political activist, would be the first black woman to have her face on U.S. currency and would appear in 2020 to coincide with the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote.

While running for office, _____ said he did not support putting Tubman on the 20, calling the plan "pure political correctness" and saying they should put Tubman on the oh-so-popular "$2 bill".

_____ is a huge fan of slave owning  Andrew Jackson so, yeah, there’s that. Racist.

UPDATE: someone has made a Harriet Tubman stamp and is stamping her face over Jackson’s on the bill. I want one!

Mississippi Congressman, and a cosponsor of that state’s abortion ban Doug McLeod was arrested last week after punching his wife because she took too long to get undressed for sex.

McLeod’s wife said her husband had “just snapped,” and often did so when he was drinking, and ALLEGEDLY whenever a woman doesn’t do what he says. McLeod was taken into custody on a charge of misdemeanor domestic violence and then released on a  $1,000 signature bond.

That’s your GOP, America.

And, from our Self Loathing Gay File comes the news that a bunch of so-called gay Republicans—quite the oxymoron—including former head of the Log Cabin Republicans, have launched a petition to Senate Majority Leader Mitch Bitch McConnell demanding that he squash any attempt to give LGBTQ people equal rights.

Even for themselves; these are gay men and women asking to be denied equality. They are literally opposing their own civil rights.

Just shows to go you  that there are stupid, asshatted gays, too.

And keeping with this WTF Is Going On thing, a group of panelists on Fox News’—yes, that Fox News—Special Report actually criticized _____ for citing murderous dictator Kim Jong Un in his comments abroad about Joe Biden.

Fox News digital politics editor Chris Stirewalt pointed out to anyone wondering why _____ is “underwater” and trailing in polls at a time when any other incumbent in his position would be “crushing it,” that it’s “stunt like this stuff in Japan are exactly why.”

And co-host Marc Thiessen agreed:

“You don’t attack your political opponents from foreign soil [and especially not by] citing the murderous dictator of North Korea.”

Again, that Fox News bashing _____.

Oh, what a world.

Now for some good LGBTQ news … the Supreme Court has denied review of Doe v. Boyertown School District, leaving a ruling in place that allows students to use the locker room or bathroom that matches their gender identity.

The march goes on …

Finally … man candy in French ballet dancer Andreas Gieson.

He looks gorgeous in a suit, gorgeous in the dance, and gorgeous when he’s nekkid.

What’s not to love?

Luke Evans. If this is what he looks like on Monday mornings, I want some. 

Hell, even is this is a one off, I want some.