I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Since yesterday was Valentine’s Day and all about love, I wanted to share a real love story with you today …

Last Monday Michael ‘Lindsay’s Dad’ Lohan was arrested for the umpteeth time—I’m channeling my grandmother there—for ALLEGEDLY choking his soon-to-be-or-maybe-not-ex-wife—see, it is a love story—Kate Major.

But, and this is where it gets rich, and then drinks and drives, Kate Major was arrested the day before Michael for what we call Pulling A Lohan, i.e. drunk driving. And Michael is now ALLEGING that Kate made the whole assault thing up because he tipped off the police that she was going all Dina Lohan behind the wheel of a car. And so Kate got revenge by saying Michael choked her.

Michael claims that he and Kate made plans to meet with his lawyer on Monday to discuss her latest her arrest—like a good Lohan this wasn’t her first drunken rodeo—and then Kate was going to go to rehab … cuz it helped Lindsay, you know.

Big surprise, though, at the lawyer’s office when police showed up to arrest Michael Lohan for assault.

These kids. Perhaps they can get adjoining cells because theirs is a love for the ages.

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And now here’s more on that love, not for the ages, but for twelve days, the breakup of Pammy Anderson and Jon Peters.

He ended the marriage via text, y’all! Ain’t that modern? Jon’s reason for ending their love story of barely two weeks for the ages is that , wait for it, it’s epic, he’s old and wants some quiet:

“It made me realize that at 74 I need a simple quiet life and not an international love affair. Therefore, I think the best thing we can do is that I’m going to go away for a couple of days and maybe you need to go back up to Canada. We did it. The world knows we did it and I think now we need to go our own separate ways. I hope that you can forgive me.”

-So, it’s the I’m-so-in-love-with-you-that-I-married-you-but-now-I-need-a-nap-because-I’m-old-and-you’re-a-party-girl-so-I-have-to-end-our-marriage-after-twelve-days text.

Ah, love.

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Oh Madge, take a seat.

After nearly three hundred years spent thumbing her nose at convention by parading around in her underwear and rubbing her crotch all over sexy Jesus’ one would think Madonna would know all about censorship. But she doesn’t even know what the word means.

At her recent Madame X show at the London Palladium, Madge’s set went past the 11:00PM curfew so the venue shut off the lights while she was still on stage and this sent her Royal Assholiness into a rage. She accused the Palladium of censorship and of trying to kill everybody by dropping an iron fire curtain on her head. But that’s not exactly how it happened, well, except inside Madge’s full-of-herself head.

Madonna, whose shows often run late because she starts them late, posted an angry video of the moment on Instagram in which she can be heard shouting:

“Censorship, censorship, motherfucking censorship.”

More like “Time’s up, Nana.” Still, Madge railed:

“It was five minutes past our 11 p.m. curfew, we had one more song to do and The Palladium decided to censor us by pulling down the metal fire curtain that weighs nine tons. Fortunately they stopped it halfway and no one was hurt. Many thanks to the entire audience who did not move and never left us. Power to the people!!”

Power to the people? Bitch, you were supposed to be off stage at 11, but since you can’t drag your ass onstage at the right time, the Palladium smacked you down and that’s censorship?

The Palladium has a different take; they say Madge had already been warned about running late, and that “contrary to a number of reports, at no point during last night’s performance did staff at The London Palladium pull down, or attempt to pull down, the Iron Fire Curtain.”

Madge? Take a good long seat and take some of the blame for yourself. If I’d been running the Iron Curtain I would’a dropped it during your first number.

Now that’s censorship.

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Don’t piss off the CGI Nerds. Learn that lesson.

You see, after the Oscars the Visual Effects Society, the group of people who make special effects in movies, is not happy that everyone keeps blaming that $70 million bomb, AKA Cats, on the horrific special effects … like Dame Judi Dench’s cat having, egads, human hands!

And they are not happy with how James Corden and Rebel Wilson dragged the movie at the Oscars while presenting the award for Best Visual Effects. And the group of over 4000 visual effects artists released an angry statement, calling out Hollywood for blaming the movie’s cat litter box office and reviews on how it looked:

“Last night, in presenting the Academy Award for outstanding visual effects, the producers chose to make visual effects the punchline, and suggested that bad VFX were to blame for the poor performance of the movie Cats.

The best visual effects in the world will not compensate for a story told badly.

On a night that is all about honoring the work of talented artists, it is immensely disappointing that The Academy made visual effects the butt of a joke. It demeaned the global community of expert VFX practitioners doing outstanding, challenging and visually stunning work to achieve the filmmakers’ vision. Our artists, technicians and innovators deserve respect for their remarkable contributions to filmed entertainment, and should not be presented as the all-too-convenient scapegoat in service for a laugh …

Moving forward, we hope that The Academy will properly honor the craft of visual effects–and all of the crafts, including cinematography and film editing–because we all deserve it.”

Like I said, Nerd Bash and you will get a letter!

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Oh god, when will someone take Wendy Williams show away from her? The big story on WW last month was that Wendy denied that she farted on her own show. Big news! And now, because that story no longer stinks the most, she’s gone after The Gays.

Last week Wendy turned a harmless bit about Galentine’s Day into a rant about gay men wanting to be women because, you know, homophobes think like that. Now, Wendy has been accused of transphobia in the past, especially when it came to both Chaz Bono and Caitlyn Jenner; she’s proven herself to be seriously stupid, but during Hot Topics last week, Wendy asked who in her audience was going to celebrate Galentine’s Day and when some men started clapping, she let them know that GD isn’t for them, and then she went off about how gay men want to be women.

“If you’re a man and you’re clapping, you’re not even a part of this. You don’t understand the rules of the day. It’s women going out and getting saucy and then going home. You’re not a part. I don’t care if you’re gay. You don’t get a menses every 28 days. You can do a lot that we do, but I get offended by the idea that we go through something you will never go through. And stop wearing our skirts and our heels. Just saying, girls, what do we have for ourselves? Looky here now, gay men, you’ll never be the women that we are. No matter how gay.”

Bitch is crazy … crazy stupid and homophobic and needs to be taken off air and hauled back to rehab.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Remember when Kanye hooked up with the daughter That Woman pimped out with a sex tape? And remember how he said he wouldn’t appear on their show,. But then he did? And remember when he said he wouldn’t allow pictures of baby Southwest to be shown on that show but then he went on That Woman’s failed talk show and showed the pictures? And remember how he proposed to the Kash Kow on that show?

Well, color me surprised that the Kanye West-Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe wedding won’t be filmed and shown on the E! network, and all with Kanye’s blessing, and confidentiality agreements signed by each guest that no one films the ceremony but E!.

I wonder, though, if the divorce and custody battle will get equal airtime.

And speaking of the wedding, do you think  Kanye would ever even dare to ask Jay Z or Beyoncé to sign a non-disclosure agreement, or take away their cell phones?

Well, he probably won’t have to because friends are saying that the last thing Beyoncé wants to do is go to that circus, er, wedding  because she thinks it’s extremely tacky that the nuptials are going to be filmed for Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Of course, this is from the woman who uses her own child in her own videos, so, yeah, Pot.Kettle.Beyoncé.

So, Chris Brown is out of rehab. And in jail.

Brown was arrested last week by LA County sheriff’s deputies after he violated the probation he’s still on for his 2009 conviction for assaulting Rihanna by being kicked out of rehab for violating ‘internal rules’ — like a special rule imposed specifically on him to stay at least two feet away from all women. He was taken to the inmate reception center in downtown LA and was booked into jail.

Sources — and if it involves rehab, can we assume that rehab darling Lindsay Lohan is the source … I mean she’s been in every rehab facility in the country, amirite — say Chris was caught having “an inappropriate relationship” with a female worker at the beginning of the month, but that is NOT why he was thrown out this time; you recall, Chrissy was previously thrown out of a different facility for throwing a rock at his mom’s car window.

He was awaiting a chance to go before a judge on Monday, but then Monday came and the judge said he didn’t have the time to set bail for Brown until last next month.

So, yeah, that’s right, Chrissy is now in jail for another six weeks or so.

So, Lindsay got a job, y’all.

Lindsay Lohan has a guest-starring role on the hit[?] CBS show 2 Broke Girls, though maybe her episode should be called 2 Broke Girls and a Cracktress, and Lindsay ALLEGEDLY was her her usual messed up self during the taping.

Eyewitnesses — and there was a studio audience full of them — say Lindsay's lip were so over-Botoxed that she could barely open her mouth to speak. On top of that, her three-pack-a-day cigarette habit has left her voice raspier than ever, sounding like some shrieking howler monkey.

Apparently one scene required Lohan to say the words Hawaii and Bahamas in succession, but she couldn't say them fast enough, possibly due to the Botox, and sounded more like a patient injected with Novocaine.

The sources also claims Lindsay couldn’t remember her lines — shades of her appearance on Glee that was cut to about a 30-second cameo for the same reasons — and that it took 45 minutes to film Lohan repeat just five lines over and over and over again. She would get one line and screw up another. 

And when it was time for another shot, with Lindsay reading, reading, her lines off-camera to the actress on-camera; it took her three times to read the lines correctly. The last scene was of Lohan in a wedding dress — create your own jokes about that — and has cold feet about the wedding. She has six or seven lines. 45 minutes later a cell phone starts ringing.

It was Lindsay’s and she stopped the taping to take the call!

It took five hours to shoot the 18-minute episode — with 4 minutes of pre-taped scenes — because of Lohan and her inability to be a professional.

Seriously, if you can’t even get through a crap show like that how will you ever get your film career back? And she’s screwed any more chances at reality TV with that Oprah mess.

Now, onto Lindsay’s daddy, Michael.

It seemed he was beaten up by his girlfriend, and baby mama, Kate Major, who was eventually arrested for a DUI. Well, there’s something!

Michael claims they were in a nasty argument at their home when she hit him multiple times in the face. He called 911, and just as cops arrived, ALLEGEDLY drunken Kate was fleeing in her car. But she didn’t get far; according to law enforcement, Kate crashed into some bushes near the house and was arrested for driving drunk.

Lovely family, eh? And, while Lohan, now an adult, has to take full responsibility for her actions, being the fruit of the loins of Michael Lohan and his demon spawn ex-wife, and DUI arrestee Dina, certainly didn’t help.

File this under I Won’t Watch It Because I’ll Puke.

It appears that some man — which makes the story sound so plausible, given who it involves — is in possession of a sex tape starring That Woman and he has been contacting news outlets to sell it, and harassing the 58-year-old reality show star and pimp.

Now, let’s get this queer: years ago That Woman found her daughter’s sex tape and sold it to the media to make Kash Kow a “star” and the whole Kardastrophe brand was born, and now there’s a sex tape involving That Woman?

I smell ridiculous publicity stunt.

Charlie Sheen is on it again.

Despite the fact that Denise has bent over backwards for him for years by taking in his two offspring with his serial rehabber ex-wife Brooke Mueller was in rehab again, he has decided to listen to his porn star future ex-wife, Brett Rossi, and stop paying his child support to Denise.

On top of that he made good on his threat to evict her from the house he bought for her in his neighborhood, so Daddy could druggily drunkenly stumble down for a visit because Miss Brett doesn’t like driving by the house knowing Denise lives there.

Charlie made the same threats against drug addict Brooke, but now that she lets him and Porn Star see his sons, she gets to keep her money and her house. For now. But he believes Denise is keeping Sam and Lola from him because she won’t let their drug addict dad and his porn star fiancé see the children unsupervised.

How dare she be more worried about the safety of her children!?! I cannot wait for the day when Charlie kicks Brett to the curb — possibly after she has two of his children — and starts treating her the way she likes him to treat all of his ex-wives and baby mamas.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Kim Kardashian is three months pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

A fat-assed, big-ego, media-whoring child, you know.

I'm waiting to see where Kim will sell the video of the birth, and when the video of the conception makes its debut on Pay Per View.

It's not the child's fault it has those two for parents.

Oh Lindsay Lohan! The holiday parties never end for alcoholics and drug addicts, eh?

It seems Lohan took a page from Amanda Bynes playbook last week while dining at The Lion in NYC during Christmas because she kept getting up from her table and wandering around the dining room....possibly looking to score. Or, maybe she'd already scored, because staffers at the restaurant helped her back to her table. Twice.

Which is kinda funny, because Lindsay then tweets pictures of a "meal"--read: box of wine--she made with Dina, and says she's going back to being a homebody for New Year's Eve.

Um, I think she meant homeless body because, with the IRS seizing chunks of change from the deep folds of Lindsay chins, she may not have an actual home much longer.
Oops, she doesn't. Lohan was just evicted from her $8000-a-month Beverly Hills home for non-payment of rent.

Well, I imagine someone is so giddy about this news that he doesn’t need his lifts to feel high.

Tommy's ex, Katie Holmes Broadway play Dead Accounts is dead in the water. The show—by “Smash” creator Theresa Rebeck—opened just last month and will close next week, nearly two months ahead of schedule. The play opened November 29 to mixed reviews, and reports say the show’s closure is due to poor ticket sales. But, maybe The Post’s theater critic Elisabeth Vincentelli, know the real reason. She wrote, of Katie Holmes' performance: “She’s got one note--shrill, impatient--and yells it at top volume, making a vein bulge on her slender neck.”

Ouch.

Like I said, Tom is probably feeling Five Feet Tall about now.

Lindsay Lohan is in London. Very expensive city.

And she’s staying at the Dorchester. Very expensive hotel.

And she’s eating at Cipriani and shopping at Harrod’s.

So, how is she paying for all this? Or, perhaps a better question is, who is paying for all this?

Perhaps a TV station, though Lindsay is adamantly denying that she has been tapped to be a body on the UK Celebrity Big Brother. But, if it isn’t a hack TV show, then, well, maybe she’s back to being an international call girl.

Again.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s ex, won a big payday in her lawsuit against The Canyons rehab facility in Malibu. On one of her—and this is no lie—nineteen attempts at rehab, Brooke had been treated at the facility, but took legal action against them for ALLEGEDLY leaking her private admissions documents to the press.

Brooke entered The Canyons in February of 2010 in the midst of her domestic abuse case with Charlie, and just days after she arrived, her admission documents showed up on multiple tabloid sources and headlines quickly revealed that she was seeking treatment for substance abuse.
Needless to say, Brooke left the facility shortly after she got word of the breach but waited until October 2011, nearly two years later, to file suit. Now, she and The Canyons have reached a settlement, and Brooke—who has been, in addition to a nineteen time failure at rehab, arrested for DUI and cocaine possession—has been awarded around $250,000. Think she’ll use the money to get clean, or use the money for more Adderall?

A story or so ago, I said that Lindsay tweeted that she wasn’t going to party on New Year’s Eve. Yeah, not so much.

Now we have pictures of LOLhan, and her drunken mother Dina, leaving a nightclub all drunk and skunky on Monday night.

And, so naturally, Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, decided to sell that story to the press like this: “Can you believe this? Is this a case of the blind leading the blind or what?”

Michael then suggested that “maybe instead of checking into hotels and night clubs in London, Mommy Dearest and daughter should have checked into rehab together — but then again, neither of them have alcohol or drug problems!”

Maybe they could hook up with Brooke Mueller and get a group rate. I hear Brooke’s got extra cash lying about.

Sofia Vergara is one of the most in-demand actresses and commercial models in Hollywood right now, yet for some reason she’s currently engaged to some douche called Nick Loeb.

Apparently, over the holidays, while in Miami, Sofia posed for a picture with a fan and Nick got his coke spoon in a twist and was thrown out of a nightclub.

Witnesses said Loeb and Vergara began arguing in the VIP section of Miami Beach club Story because, as one eyewitness—and Lohan was in London so I’ll give her a pass on this one—says, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee.”

All because she posed for a photo?

Sofia? I love you, but you gotta ditch this bum; I’ve got one word for you: Rihanna.

Wasn’t it just a second ago that I said Lindsay Lohan, Trainwreck of the Stars, would be having a mellow New Years Eve?

Wrong. It seems Lindsay’s London trip was bought and paid for by a “rich” gentleman who was paying her to attend a, ahem, “private” party. I’m sensing she was paid with two dollar bills slipped inside her crusty firecrotch covering g-string.

Lindsay collected some $100,000 to celebrate 2013 with Brunei’s Haji Abdul Azim, aka Prince Azim, who throws some of the wildest, most lavish bashes ever, topped off with gift bags stuffed with expensive party favors like iPads and diamonds.

Lohan, who claimed to be planning a dinner at home on Monday night, had the party on her schedule for a while, says an inside named Dina, who added, “I whored out my child to keep me in Chardonnay and Xanax. See, Prince Azim not only flew her out; he put her up in a beautiful suite in the Dorchester for the weekend and following the party.”

Of course, Lindsay’s pimp, aka Drunken Dina, was also in London while her other children, you know, the ones she cannot make a profit from, stayed home alone in Long Island.

But, did the money Lindsay made go to her tax bill?

To her back rent on her Beverly Hills manse?

Or up her nose and to her pimp mama?

New Year, same pathetic LOLhans.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

There are times when I think I should change the title of this weekly post to “I Ain’t One To Gossip About Lindsay” because she’s all that ever seems to be in the news.

That said, let’s rip ….

Okay, so Christmas came early last week when Original Recipe Lohan™ was arrested last week for third-degree assault, for punching psychic, Tiffany Eve Mitchell, in the face at a nightclub.

It seems that just before Lindsay punched her mitts into Tiff’s melon, the two women were fighting over Max George from The Wanted. See, just before hitting the club, Lindsay had gone to see the Justin Bieber concert because The Wanted was the opening act and sources—Hey Dina!—say Lohan had been “scoping out Max for the last few days.”

Now, Lohan tried to get backstage to make the hook-up with Max but she was dee-nied. So, she stalked him to the nightclub after the show.

Once inside The Avenue, sources—and that means about 90% of the people at the club—say Lindsay was a’drinking and a’snorting, and was a real cracktress mess. In fact, Max George was so disgusted by the sight of a drunken 65-year-old Lindsay that he began hitting on other women, including the psychic.

Sidenote: Tiffany Eve Mitchell didn’t see any of this coming so, yeah, not a psychic.

Hat sent Lindsay into a rage and when Mitchell approached her and said she’d like to do a “reading”—which might be club –speak for a three-way in the ladies room—Lohan said, “Gimme my space” and sucker punched Mitchell. She was kicking and screaming, cursing at the Mitchell and then spit at her.

She’s a peach, ain’t she?

Now, since most folks at Christmas get more than one gift, let’s look on as Lindsay unwraps Gift Two:

According to the LAPD, while Lindsay was being charged with assault in NYC, she was also being charged with three crimes in Los Angeles.

Seriously, if only Lohan could have run someone over in Nebraska, and stolen some jewelry in Miami, she would have had the whole country covered.  

The charges in LA all stem from her June car accident, and the LA City Attorney has filed these charges against Lohan:

• Giving false information to a peace officer (punishable by up to 6 months in jail);
• Obstructing or resisting a police officer in the performance of his duty (punishable by 1 year in jail)
• Reckless driving (punishable by 90 days in jail).

While I was playing Powerball, Lohan was winning the Four Charges In One Day on Two Coasts Lottery!

Now, lets’ talk Tiffany Mitchell. The, um, for lack of a better word, psychic.

Tiffany Eve Mitchell said that when Lindsay Lohan walked into the club, she had a “premonition” about Lohan, though she never saw the punch coming. Literally.

But when Tiffany offered Lindsay a free reading, that’s when Lindsay demanded her ‘space’ and called Mitchell a “f**king Gypsy.”

Well, Tiffany’s friend went all crazed, or all Lohan, and began insulting Lindsay with the usual, You’re a whore! You’re a jewel thief! You’re a kidnapper!

And Lindsay was fine with that, cuz you know, it’s true and all, but then the friend told her that “Liz & Dick” sucked, because, well, you know, it did, and that’s when the punch came.

Call her a kidnapping, jewel-thieving whore, but never, EVER say she sucked at being Liz Taylor.

And now, back to Lohan, because, this time, she really is The Star:

As soon as the NYPD slapped the cuffs on Lindsay Lohan and she started cracking “Are you kidding me?!” “Are you kidding me?!”  “Are you kidding me?!”  “Are you kidding me?!”  ad nauseum, it became clear that, once again, this is not Lindsay’s fault … at least in her own addled head.

After being released, Lindsay Lohan began claiming it was all a set-up and that she was totally innocent.

A source—Seriously, Dina, drinking at 7AM? No wonder Lindsay doesn’t get it—says, “She was crying and kept asking, ‘Why does this happen to me? This is a setup! I don’t deserve this . . . It’s not my fault!’ ”

And so then came the story that the fight started because Lindsay said Mitchell stole Lindsay’s underage, night-clubbing sister’s purse at the club, and that Lindsay had just given Ali Lohan $10,000 in cash which was in the purse.

Which is funnier: that Lindsay punched a girl for stealing a purse, or that Lindsay expects anyone to believe she gave Ali 10K?

The source says, “Lindsay was saying, ‘I was trying to find out who stole Ali’s purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother’s school fees!’ ”

Brother’s school fees is Lindsay Lohan for dealer.

Then the source—And now we know for sure it’s Dina The Enabler—says, “Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister’s purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She’s desperate to find where the money is.”

But reliable sources say the purse was returned, but they don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout no 10 grand.

Now, of course, let’s hear from Dina and Michael:

Set the box of wine down, Dina. Set if down!

Dina has released a statement about her daughter’s recent legal troubles and latest arrest, asking for privacy and noting that the tough times bring their family closer together:

“At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter’s circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family’s bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude.”

Allow me to translate:

“At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to make up a story about why Lindsay’s a club-brawling, reckless-driving, necklace-stealing, bad-acting, serial-rehabbing, drug and alcohol addict. you always love and pray for the best with all your children and pray that when Lindsay gets arrested she doesn’t rat you out as her dealer. Our family’s bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion and alibis they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally, even when visiting one another through bars and bullet-proof glass. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers, and offers of bail money, are received with my deepest gratitude. When does the bar open around here?”

Michael Lohan’s statement on Lindsay’s newest arrest:

“Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she’s hurt and angry! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children.”

Again, I’ll translate:

“Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place, which I think is inside a mini-bar at a midtown hotel about now. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, but she wanted more than 50% of the money I make for selling stories and recordings of my drug-addicted daughter to the tabloids and I have a new illegitimate child to hide my money from. BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us to get her a fix and a bout in the WWF, and internally she’s hurt and angry because the world now knows that she is a terrible actress! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children or else I will have to keep selling stories to the press, even when they aren’t true.”

It's no wonder Lindsay is Lindsay with parents like those two miscreants.

All righty then, let’s talk about Blow # 3 for Lohan, and I don’t mean blow like she means blow.

The IRS has seized all of Lindsay’s bank accounts because she has a massive debt for back taxes. 
It seems that Uncle Sam has filed tax liens against Lindsay for the years 2009 and 2011—claiming she owes $233,904 in unpaid federal taxes.

Sheesh, rumor has it she spends that much a week on Ketel One and ciggies! 
And unpaid hotel bills.

Y’all remember Charlie Sheen generously paid Lindsay $100,000 to help alleviate the 2009 tax problem, but it didn’t do any good because she’s on the hook for 2011 taxes, too.

Sidenote: I heard Lohan and Sheen will star in a new sitcom, Two-and-a-Half Grams.

Just sayin’.

The IRS gave Lindsay ample time to pay up, but instead the money when to booze and drugs and, well, not underwear, and not acting lessons, so the IRS seized ALL her bank accounts in order to settle her debt.

Enough Lindsay, unless there’s another arrest before I go to press.

Nick Lachey.

Seriously, there’s gossip about Nick Lachey? I mean, not the kind of gossip that might seem real, like he got a new job at the Starbucks on Wilshire.

No, this time Nick, who doesn’t have, never had, much of a career, other than being known as Mister Jessica Simpson is in the news for fighting in the stands at a football game.

Oh, how macho.

The story goes that Nick went to a football game with his buddies, got a lot wasted, and started talking smack to a guy with a jersey on for the opposing team, and then gets into a brawl before being asked to leave the stadium.

Again, macho.

The ALLEGED victim claims that Nick choked him and called his wife a bitch when she gave him a clever comeback to his smack-talk; possibly something like, “Ooh a boybander with a potty mouth.”

Nick, for his part, then takes to Twitter because that’s what everyone does these days, to brag about the incident, never acknowledging his responsibility for getting kicked out of the game and acting like it was a badge of honor or something.

Macho.

Here’s what appears to be the truth:

The ALLEGED victim says Nick Lachey and his bros—all die-hard Bengals fans—had been talking trash to him about his San Diego Chargers jersey for most of the 2nd half of the game. He says Nicky made one particularly offensive comment about Olshansky—a player, I’m guessing—and that’s when the fan’s wife shot back to Nick, “Well, he lasted longer than your boy band.”

Ouch! But oh so high-larious!

Nicky then flipped out and called the wife a “f**king b*tch” … along with “a host of other profanities.” The fan says Nicky lunged towards him, grabbed him by the throat and shoved him to the ground.

Over a jersey and smack-talk about being in a boyband.

Macho.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

What is a cracktress to do when her representative, probably sick and tired of covering her drinking, drugging, driving, thieving, ass up and quits.

Well, we’ll have to see what Lindsay Lohan says because the man who tried to cover for her, from way back before her first stint at rehab, Steve Honig, done quit!

And it turns out it was all over tension with Lindsay’s dad.

Michael Lohan butted heads with Steve in the weeks leading up to his original Recipe™ intervention, but things got heated over the weekend, when Steve released a statement saying Lindsay’s management team had nothing to do with Michael’s plans.

Michael flipped out because, well, that’s what he does, and called Honig a “f**king liar” in a text message which made Steve pissy and he threw in the towel.

A towel ALLEGEDLY stolen from the Chateau Marmont, I’m guessing.

Honig, though, now says us he didn’t quit purely over Daddy Blohan, adding, “Michael wishes he were that important.”

Now what’s Lindsay gonna do the next time she runs someone over, or gets kicked out a hotel, or arrested?

Call her mommy and daddy?

That’s crazy talk.

More Blohan dramz.

Rumor has it that OR™ is, ahem, “careening toward financial ruin” by making stupid business decisions and recklessly stashing her money in unsafe places, like Mama Dina’s pocketbook.

Lindsay’s daddy, Michael, says Lindsay flew out to L.A.—right after the LimoGate brawl with her mama, DinaDrunka—in order to attend a launch event for a drink called Mr. Pink. Michael claims Lindsay was paid $150,000 for the event, in cash, and then she gave the money to her brother Michael Jr. to hold in his bank account for safe keeping. Daddy Michael is worried that Dina has access to that account, and a liquor store bill in the amount of 150K that is long overdue.

Lindsay’s lawyer, Dave Feldman, is outraged, outraged I tell ya, for not looping him and her business manager in to the Mr. Pink transaction in order to provide her more financial protection. In text messages to Daddy Lohan, Feldman calls Lindsay stupid—so harsh—for not including her management team on the Mr. Pink deal because—Dave says—they could have gotten her even more money for the job.

And more money for Dave, of course. And Michael and Dina.

Enablers all.

Imagine for a moment that you are Tom Cruise.

What do you do when your third wife publicly dumps you? Do you pick yourself up, put your lifts back in your shoes and keep trucking? Do you file a millions of dollars lawsuit against anyone who calls you, um, ALLEGEDLY gay or ALLEGEDLY  a bad Daddy?

Or, do you ALLEGEDLY  head out to be to nightclubs and maybe check your son Connor’s latest DJ gig like you at London hotspot Chinawhite? Perhaps hoping that your son can hook his fifty-year-old daddy up with the future ex-Missus Movie Star.

ALLEGEDLY.

According to Star magazine—that bastion of professional journalism—Tommy has been seen in nightclubs everywhere his son DJs, cozying up with some of Connor’s club buddies; he was even seen “flirting” with busty Playboy twins Carla and Melissa Howe, who were also recently photographed with, in-need-of-a-Silkwood-scrubdown, Russell Brand.

An insider—and it might ALLEGELY be Suri because she has only one parent now …. ALLEEGDLY—says,  “Tom is looking for a beautiful brunette between the ages of 23 and 30. You would think he’d have the confidence to land any woman he set his sights on, but any man’s game would be a little rusty after five years of marriage.”

So he tags along with Connor and flirts with Playboy “models”.

Midlife crisis?

Or mid “wife” crisis.

ALLEGEDLY.

Speaking of Playboy, Kelsey Grammer was on daddy duty over the weekend, so instead of hiring a babysitter or having a nanny, he and the missus—that gal about town, former flight attendant and gold-digger, Kayte—went to the Playboy mansion Halloween party and brought their three month old daughter in a bassinet with them.

I guess you’re never too young to have your Daddy take you to a Playboy party, and sources say Baby Faith was safely tucked into a bassinet right beside Kelsey as he whooped it up with fellow Upstanding Citizen Paris Hilton, who, may or may not, had cocaine in her cooch, because that’s how she rolls.

A Playboy Playmate Tweeted: “Why the fk does Kelsey Grammer have a newborn baby at the Mansion party!?!?!?”

Well, a Kelsey spokes-tool answered that question: “I am not sure why this is a story. People have taken their infant children out with them since the beginning of time. They didn’t stay long, and left before it got too noisy.”

My mom took me out when I was a wee newborn. Maybe to the store, or a doctor’s visit, but not to a Halloween Party at the Playboy Mansion.

She waited until I could walk up to the bar and order her a drink before she did that.

That’s parenting.

But, not to be outdone by his spokes-tool, Kelsey popped up to defend himself: “Kayte is breast-feeding and we do not have a nanny or a trusted babysitter at this time, so Faith goes everywhere with us. We enjoyed the party with a few of our friends, the baby slept as her ears were covered the entire time and we left shortly after midnight.”

Kayte went as a bitch, oops, typo, witch, while Kelsey went as Dracula and Baby Faith went as a Baby in need of Child Protective Services.

Oh dear.

Once a porn star always a porn star.

Kim Kash Kow Kardashian, who rose to fame on her knees in a porn video she tried to stop from being released, and then finagled a deal worth millions when it was released, may have a new sex tape being issues.

And this time, Porn Kim, with the Blow Job Lips and the Booty For Days, is said to be pocketing $30 million.

Her parents must be so proud; one, rolling over in his grave, and the other, taking her 10% as Kow’s manager and pimp.

This new tape is actually an old tape—heretofore unseen—where Kash Kow and her pimp, Ray J, do the nasty, and the nastier.

 “It’s definitely Kim in the video,” a source—and you know it’s Kris—said. “And it’s even raunchier than her last one. There are all kinds of eye-popping moments.”

Who cares if you can make a million off of it?

That’s all Kash Kow wants. Money.Moneny.Fame.Money.

Okay, I loathe Taylor Swift.

I loathe her music. I loathe her aw shucks, who me, she ain’t fooling anyone attitude. I loathe the way she serial dates—and you know she serial schtups—all kinds of celebrities, or famous rich kids, so she can break up with them write a catchy ditty and pocket a mint.

I mean, isn’t that her career path?

But now it seems that Taylor Swift and her latest “beau”, boy Conor Kennedy, have split, and it seems Conor did the dumping. Even after Taylor spent millions on The House Next Door. Conor was ALLEGEDLY freaked-out by Swift’s “OMG. I.Love.You.” schtick and called it quits.

But, not to be outdone, because she has scads of break-up songs to write and sell, Taylor claims that she did the breaking-up, though, really, does a stalker ever truly bend the relationship without having to go to jail?

Just sayin’.

So, Jessica Simpson’s daddy is a homo.

Who knew?

I did. Joe Simpson had the Gay written all over him, and you could tell he got his girls into showbiz because then he could wear flashy glows, tan all die, and keep himself blond and Botoxed without too many people getting any wiser.

And now it seems as if the fifty-something, married former-preacher, was having an affair with a 21-year-old hustler. Joe’s wife, Tina, found about hustler, Bryce Chandler Hill—and maybe some other nubile boys—after finding “modeling shots” of Bryce around the house. She noticed that some of the photos were taken inside her own home.

Ick.

A source—and it’s probably Ashlee, lip-synching the gossip—says, “Joe got busted after Tina found some modeling pictures of Bryce in her home. They were taken in and around the house and she was suspicious because she didn’t have a clue who the boy was. Joe and Tina …. Had a make or break vacation booked in Hawaii, so she didn’t ask Joe any questions at that point. However, when they returned to Los Angeles Joe bizarrely got on a plane to New York, just six hours after they had landed in California. She thought it was suspicious [and] sent Joe a text message asking if he had anything to tell her. She quizzed him about Bryce but he denied knowing the kid …. She flew to New York to make an unannounced visit to Joe. When she got there, she called him down to the lobby and they thrashed it out. It was there and then that Joe confessed he was having a gay affair with Bryce, who had left the hotel just days earlier, and Tina demanded a divorce.”

And she may get half his money, though not any of the ALLEGED $1.5 million he spent wining and dining and, well, you know, Bryce.

Again.

Ick.