I Didn't Say It ....

Stephen Colbert, on Sarah Huckleberry Sanders getting the boot from the Red Hen:

 “What do you mean you treat everybody with respect? You work for Donald _____. You don’t even treat yourself with respect. Denying service to people you disagree with is a slippery slope. Because pretty soon, we would just have liberal-only restaurants and conservative restaurants, and it’ll be a nightmare finding a place where your whole family can eat. Restaurant workers, you don’t have to kick out Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Just treat her the same way she treats her customers. Only take the order of the two people at the table you like. Then tell Sanders, ‘I’m not going to comment on whether or not this dish contains peanuts.’ And then when the food never arrives, just say ‘I haven’t talked to the chef about that yet. So I can’t give you any new information. I’ll be back at 2:45 tomorrow with a completely different menu that you can’t order from.”

I like this line of thought.

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Jeanine Pirro, _____ puppet, on her Fox “News” show, about Huckleberry being denied service and Kirstjen Nielsen being booed from a restaurant:

“Political debate at the very heart of the founding of this country has devolved into political harassment and outright political abuse. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, one of the most of prestigious jobs in Washington, D.C., out to dinner, places her order and is then told to leave by the owner because she works for the president of the United States. Sarah quietly leaves. The Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen this week was literally screamed and heckled out of a restaurant while eating her dinner. _____ supporters are being harassed all across this country by a hysterical left unwilling to accept the decision and the will of the American people who put Donald _____ in office. These unhinged leftists are normalizing outrageous behavior which is only getting worse.”

Actually, Jeanine, you ass, more people voted for anyone but _____ than voted for him, so the will of the people is non-_____.

And people are just exercising their rights to Free Speech by booing Nielsen, and their rights to discriminate and deny service, which is a thing this White House likes.

You snowflakes just don’t like it when it’s aimed at you.

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Orrin Hatch, Republican Senator from Utah, calling for inclusion for LGBTQ youth:

“Mr. President, if there were ever a time to show our LGBT friends just how much we love them, it is now. In a world where millions suffer in silence, we owe it to each other to love loudly. That’s why I am a strong supporter of Utah’s Love Loud Festival, among many other efforts to combat suicide and improve mental health in the LGBT community. These young men and women deserve to feel loved, cared for, and accepted for who they are.  They deserve to know that they belong, and that our society is stronger because of them. Mr. President, ensuring that our LGBT friends feel loved and accepted is not a political issue; we all have a stake in this. We all have family or loved ones who have felt marginalized in one way or another because of gender identity or sexual orientation—and we need to be there for them.”

Oh, that’s so nice, but this is the same Orrin Hatch who voted to confirm Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos, who both have clear records of opposing LGBTQ equality and who have since used their positions to dismantle protections for transgender people.

Hatch is also a co-sponsor of the so-called “First Amendment Defense Act” [FADA], which would create a religious license to discriminate against LGBTQ people. And just last week, he “applauded” the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case.

Words are nice, but his deeds speak volumes.

Siddown.

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Tim Cook, Apple CEO, on inequality and why he came out as gay:

“Many of the problems of the world come down to the lack of equality. It’s the fact that it’s the kid who is born in one ZIP code doesn’t have a good education because he happens to be born in that ZIP code. It’s someone who is maybe in the LGBT community who is fired because of that. It’s someone who has a different religion than the majority and are therefore ostracized in some way. If one day you could wave a wand and everybody would treat each other with dignity and respect, there are many, many problems that would go away with that….I [came out] for a greater purpose. I realized there were a lot of kids out there that were not being treated very well—including in their own families. Kids need someone to say ‘oh, they did okay in life, and they’re gay, so it must not be a life sentence in some kind of way.’ We’re getting these notes… it would tug on my heart even more, and it got to the point, and it got to the point where I thought, I’m making the wrong call, by trying to do something that is comfortable for me, which is to stay private. I needed to do something for the greater good.”

Every coming out is for the greater good because every coming out helps someone else along the path.

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Jimmy Fallon, about _____’s reaction to Fallon’s saying he never should have humanized Hair Furor by tousling his hair:

“As you may have heard, the President of the United States went after me on Twitter. So Melania, if you’re watching, I don’t think your anti-bullying campaign is working. He said I called and said, ‘Monster ratings.’ First of all, I’ve never called this human in my life. I don’t have his number, I don’t want his number. I’ve never said ‘monster ratings.’ I don’t know what he’s talking about. By the way, Donald, I don’t know if you’ve seen my ratings the past two years, you didn’t help my ratings. But, really, thanks a lot. Thanks for nothing.”

Thanks for nothing is right.

Still, Fallon has taken a long time to finally speak out against this regime.

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Jerry Seinfeld, on Roseanne getting fired for her racist mouth:

“I didn’t see why it was necessary to fire her. Why would you murder someone who’s committing suicide? But I never saw someone ruin their entire career with one button push. That was fresh. I think they should get another Roseanne. They brought Dan Conner back, he was dead and they brought him back. So, why can’t we get another Roseanne? There’s other funny women that could do that part. You need to get the comic in there. I hate to see a comic lose a job.”

A comedian didn’t lose her job; a racist did.

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It's Snarkurday!

I love romance; that first glimpse; the first time you speak; that first date; that first kiss, the first “time” and the first private detective you hire to follow your lover.

Oh, that’s not me, it’s, as Carlos calls her, Jell-O, or JLo.

Last month, JLo’s relationship with A-Rod was hit hard when The National Enquirer claimed that he was cheating on her with a fitness model. And that’s when JLo hired a private detective to get to the bottom of it and because, as a source says, she’s “really into him.”

Trouble is, A-Rod found out and, yeah, he’s not happy; the couple had a huge fight, though they’re trying to mend their relationship for the public.

Still, how did A-Rod find out? Was it that he saw a big Bloodhound wearing Sherlock’s hat and looking at him through a magnifying glass that gave it away? I mean, maybe JLo went on the cheap for her PI; and you’d think after Casper she’d know better than that.

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Well, they say that everything you put out on social media stays out there, even if you try and delete it.

The same can be said for actual handwritten letters, like the one Madonna wrote years back to a friend—named ‘J’—where she bashed Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone as “horribly mediocre.”

And believe you me, Madonna knows all about horribly mediocre ... she’s made a career of it. But, back to the letter ... which says:

“It’s so unequivocally frustrating to read that Whitney Houston has the music career I wish I had and Sharon Stone has the film career I’ll never have. Not because I want to be these women — because I’d rather die, but they’re so horribly mediocre and they’re always being held up as paragons of virtue [or] some sort of measuring stick to humiliate me.”

She wanted Whitney’s drug habit and Stone’s vagina on movie screens? What then?

The letter is up for auction and might fetch as much as $5,000.

Seriously. 5K to read a letter proving Madonna’s an insecure idiot? There, I gave it to you for free!

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The “fashion” label for Kendall and Kylie Jenner—the youngest idiots in that family—announced that it has sold just two of the “vintage” T-shirts with late rapper Tupac Shakur‘s image on them before pulling them from stores.

The Kendall + Kylie brand released that statement because they’re being sued for copyright infringement by Michael Miller, a commercial photographer who shot the image of Tupac that the Jenner Morons stole.

How lovely to hear them admit that they sold just two shirts after splashing themselves all over social media in them.

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So, are Jay-Z and Yeezy beefin’? Does anybody really care? Well, if you do, here’s this:

It’s no secret to anyone who does care that Jay and Kanye have been on the outs for a while ... like right after Kanye took up with porn star Kim Kardastrophe.

See, Jay and Bey don’t like Kim—which is the only thing I like about Jay and Bey. Now, they don’t hate her, they just don’t want her anywhere near them. So, while some folks are saying the Jay-Z-Yeezy beef is about Tidal, or a loan from one to the other, can sit down; it’s Kim.

Jay-Z is still so pissed about fighting with Kanye West that he addressed it on the opening track of his new album “4:44” ... some nine months after West ranted about Jay-Z and wife Beyoncé onstage before checking himself into the hospital for “crazy.

It appears Kanye’s rant was really about Kim and Beyoncé not being friends and Kanye being upset about that. He feels that since he and Jay-Z do business together why shouldn’t their wives be friends?

Now, folks say that this, too, shall pass ... but don’t hold your breath for Kim and Beyoncé to do lunch or anything.

Unless they can Tweet it, Instagram it, Snapchat it, and get more likes than the other one.

It’s about tacky reality star versus media hungry hair whipper and lip sync’er ... it’s about crazy rapper and cheating rapper.

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Never ask Shia LaBeouf to hold your beer for you because he can’t even hold his own liquor.

See what I did there?

Okay ... Shia’s currently filming The Peanut Butter Falcon in Savannah, Georgia, where he was taken into custody at 4 AM last Saturday morning for disorderly conduct, obstruction and public drunkenness.

Trifecta!

Shia posted bond, which was $3,5000, and is already back in the bars but let’s read what he said to police officers who tried to arrest him that night:

“Take these cuffs off. I’m a f**king American, I pay my taxes. Get these sh*ts off my f**king arms … You’re going to put these sh*ts off my arms or you’ll be f**king f**ked.”

Shia began an Apology Tour, not after the arrest, but after video of his drunken, profanity-laced arrest hit the Internet. And I doubt that will be the last time that happens.

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Ben Affleck has a new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus ... or does he?

Is she that new? Maybe not, because it appears that Ben and Lindsay ... Bindsey? Afflookus? ... have ALLEGEDLY been boning while he was dating, and married, to Jennifer Garner ... and while Shookus was married to fellow SNL producer Kevin Miller.

Yummy. The STD Pool is open!

Sources say Ben and Lindsay have known each other for a while and in 2013, they got into some double home wrecking messiness when they started banging each other in NYC hotel rooms, or sexting each other constantly.

Sources—and it’s likely to be Garner—say both Jennifer and Kevin found out about the affair in 2015 and were both “devastated.” That was the same year Ben and Jennifer, Lindsay and Kevin, “officially” broke up.

And here we all thought his jump-off was The Nanny.

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A month ago, an extremely awkward and random celebrity interaction happened after Kesha tried to hug Jerry Seinfeld and he ran away in disgust. We’ve heard Jerry’s side of things ... he had no idea what a Kesha was and why she was coming for him ... and now it’s Kasha’s turn to, well, whine, saying she was “a little hug traumatized” by Seinfeld:

“I felt like I was five years old. I instantly was like, ‘Oh, fuck me.’ And I like somehow ended up in my very own episode, mini episode of Seinfeld for like five seconds. ... That’s fine. But I just was like, as soon as he didn’t hug me, I was like, ‘Oh, this is gonna be everywhere.’ I should have known better. I’ve seen the hugging episode. That was my fault.”

Kesha now claims Jerry’s hug refusal has nearly cost her the ability to hug at all until she played a festival with Bob Dylan, who gave her “the most wonderful, healing Bob Dylan hug.”

Thank god for that because I was about to start a GoFundMe page so Kesha could fight her Hug Disorder.

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So, now that Jennifer Garner is spilling the tea ... ALLEGEDLY ... about Ben Affleck’s year’s long infidelity with SNL producer Lindsay Shookus, we are hearing more about how she’ll handle the next ex-Missus Affleck.

Jennifer has gone into “mama bear mode” since Ben brought Lindsay into the light. In fact, she’s been Mama Bear since 2015, when she first learned of their affair and tracked Lindsay down in New York and confronted her. No one is saying what happened during the confrontation, except that Lindsay refused to quit Ben.

So Garner did the next best thing ... she tracked down Lindsay’s ex-husband Kevin Miller after appearing on an episode of Late Night with Seth Meyers where Kevin is a producer. And even though Kevin and Lindsay were through by then, Garner showed him a string of set messages from his ex to her ex.

Next up, Jennifer may place a call to her good friends at Capital One and have a certain someone’s new side-piece’s credit cards cancelled.

That’s what I would do.

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It's Snarkurday!

Well, well, well, while y’all were watching the Comey testimony you completely missed that other yuuuuge scandal of the week: HugGate!

Yup, at the National Night of Laughing and Song last week in DC Jerry Seinfeld was giving an interview when Kesha raced up to him, interrupted, and asked for a hug.

Jerry said no; Kesha tried again.

Jerry said no ... again ... and backed up.

Kesha squealed and ran off.

And then Kesha fans tried to come for Seinfeld on Twitter while Jerry, old school comic that he is, simply gave a statement ... with a side of shade:

“I’m 63. I don’t know every pop star ... In my reality I don’t hug a total stranger. I have to meet someone, say hello. I gotta start somewhere. Hug isn’t first moment of a human, two humans ... I got a borderline harassment case here.”

He totally Mimi-I-Don’t-Know-Her’d Kesha!

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Poor JLo. It appears that while she can get any man she wants, once she gets them, they ... ALLEGEDLY ... cheat on her.

True; Alex Rodriguez has ... ALLEGEDLY ... been sexting with another woman while he was banging Jennifer Lopez and even tried to arrange a date with his secret love.

The National Enquirer—remember they got the John Edwards story right—says they have the sext messages between A-Rod and fitness model Lauren Hunter, included naked pictures of her sent to the former baseballer.

Hunter claims she and Rodriguez began dating back in 2011—while he was dating Cameron Diaz ... how’s that for an STD cesspool—and have been in touch ever since. And so, after A-Rod began banging dating JLo in March, he and Hunter ... ALLEGEDLY ... “began FaceTiming again three or four times a day and [Hunter] was sending him explicit messages and photos.”

Then, the Enquirer says, “on On May 10 [Rodriguez] told [Hunter] he missed her ... and asked her to send a video of her [doing a sex act].”

A couple of days later A-Rod asked Hunter to fly to Kansas City where he was doing on-air commentary for Fox, while JLo was in New York filming. Hunter didn’t make the trip because she couldn’t arrange child care.

A source close to Rodriguez—possibly JLo herself in Damage Control mode—says:

“He and Jennifer are together all the time. Every week the magazines write something ridiculous about their relationship, last week they were getting married, she’s pregnant. It’s laughable.”

Well, together except for that time he was in Kansas City and she was in NYC and he ... ALLEGEDLY ... tried to arrange a booty call.

But this all boils down to one question: why do the men JLo dates, and marries and marries and marries and marries, cheat on her?

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Okay, so Katy and Taylor ... the feud continues.

Katy has a new album out and to promote it she is talking incessantly about BackUpDancerGate and the feud it ignited, but Taylor has ... ALLEGEDLY ... been taking the high road and refusing to comment on a fight that started over two years ago and inspired Swifty’s “Bad Blood” and Katy’s “Swish Swish.” 

But secretly, TayTay is seething ... and friends of Swifty say she’s livid and refusing to bury the hatchet:

“That is SO not going to happen. Taylor believes that Katy is using their rivalry for press, just like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian did.”

Cuz Taylor Swift, who never had a personal moment she didn’t turn into a song for coins, is the victim, y’all. But, and this gets dishy, Friends of Taylor also say she is petty and cannot let go of the fight either:

“She has been like this since high school. She is sort of a gaslight bully, playing the victim when in fact she is the one likes making others look bad, instead of having a private conversation with them ... Taylor will never let this go.”

At least not until she’s got an entire concept album about it.

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I guess divorce, for some, is a career move.

A few months ago Janet Jackson took to social media to announce her divorce from billionaire Wissam al Mana and now she’s trying to turn the divorce—from which she’s expected to receive about a half billion dollars in settlement—into a TV show.

Yup, Miss Jackson is kinda nasty about the breakup and is said to be planning a docu-series on Netflix ... a “ten-part documentary and will feature recording sessions in the studio, co-parenting her child with Wissam and preparing for the European and Asian legs of her tour. Netflix are [sic] negotiating a big sum for the rights to the show as they expect it to perform well.”

You know, because a half-billion dollars to a rich Jackson is just not even coins and so why not sell yourself, and your third failed marriage to the highest bidder?

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Looks like Tracy Morgan won’t talk about that horrific bus crash if there isn’t a paycheck involved ... the former 30 Rock star is refusing to testify under oath in an insurance dispute against Wal-Mart’s multimillion-dollar payout to the comedian over that 2014 truck accident that left him injured and killed Jimmy Mack.

Wal-Mart’s insurer, Ohio Casualty, is demanding Morgan appear for a deposition to prove its claims that he exaggerated his injuries to get the payout, reported to be about $90 million.

And Tracy isn’t talking this time because it might cost him money instead of pad his bank account.

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Oh lord ... just say No.

Kanye West is trying to seal a deal with Calabasas High School to design their sports uniforms.

Seriously.

As part of the deal, Kanye would also make a sizable donation to improve school facilities—including major upgrades to the gym which might then be called The Kym? And he also wants to change the name of their sports teams from the Coyotes to the Wolves—which just happens to be the name of one of his songs—and would like to change the school’s colors from black-and-gold to ... flesh?

Does any school, even a school in Calabasas really want to look like this when they take the field?

Even the drama club should stop taking his calls.

Just say No!

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I Didn't Say It....

LaToya Jackson, on Michael's, er, murder:
"He was murdered for his catalogue and they knew that, and they knew Michael was much more, worth so much more dead than alive. His children deserve the truth. I think his parents deserve the truth, his family and his fans. Personally I think it is a slap in the face, not just to Michael but to the entire family. It's totally unfair, it's wrong and it was not an accident."
His sister deserves the truth, too, and by truth, I mean she thinks she deserves a cut.
Boob jobs and plastic surgery ain't free, y'all.
And Michael's estate is now reportedly worth a cool billion.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy, on the rumor that some members of the cast are using their trailers for some afternoon delight:
"I've dated people I've worked with and, you know, when you work on a set for 18 hours a day I think it's natural. But I have a rule: don't do it in your trailer! They've broken that rule on many occasions. I'm like, 'I know you guys are young and hormonal, but don't do it in your trailer'."
Hmmm, I wonder which ones are doing the deed?
Mister Shue and Puck?
Maybe?
I know! Me, too.

Mike Huckabee, on the "ick" factor about same-sex relationships:
“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes. Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”
Guess what, Mike. I think there's a great deal of "ick factor" thought about you and the missus doing the nasty, but that doesn't stop you from getting married, does it?
Asshat.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, on the Modern Family kiss campaign:
"I'm all for progressive movement within the show. I appreciate the passion that some of the fans have. The fact that there is even a campaign on Facebook just shows how many people really love the show and the characters and want to see them happy. I think the writers are proceeding in a very wise way. There's a great PDA episode they're writing about Mitchell's issues with public displays of affection. Viewers shouldn't be expecting a big, 'Gone with the Wind' romantic kiss. It's very beautiful and poignant. The writers are so good, they're really taking that criticism and they're going to run with it and try and create a talking point with it."
I'm looking for to the Cameron/Mitchell smooch. They are, undoubtedly, one of the most committed same-sex partners on network TV, and a kiss would just seal that deal.

American Family Association president Tim Wildmon, on ten year-old Will Phillips being the Grand Marshal of Northwest Arkansas Pride:
"It’s shameful that adults would abuse a brain-washed child in this way. He’s obviously just parroting the nonsense he’s been told by manipulative adults.For gay activists to trot out this child and make him the poster child for promoting unnatural sexual expression is a form of child abuse.
"When you realize that the FDA won’t allow a male to donate blood if he’s had sex with another male even one time since 1977, you begin to understand the enormous health risks involved in this kind of sexual behavior. We call on Mayor Lioneld Jordan of Fayetteville to cancel his plans to issue a proclamation celebrating homosexual behavior and Gay Pride. There is nothing about homosexual conduct to be proud of, and much to be ashamed of."
Oh, but there is much to be proud of when you spread hate and fear, eh, Tim?

Clay Aiken, on why he should replace Simon Cowell on American Idol:
"I've always thought it would be a great addition to the panel to have someone who's a former contestant and knows what it's like to be up on that stage and be critiqued. Well, I'm so far removed from it at this point that I don't know if I remember what it's like, but who knows. I would not put myself out there to be as caustic as he is, but if they want to call me, bring it on. We can talk."
Or, maybe, Clay wants to do it because, really, his career is basically over.
Just sayin'.

Jerry Seinfeld, on Lady GaGa, after she ended up in his box at the Met's game:
"This woman is a jerk. I hate her. I can't believe they put her in my box, which I paid for.
You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now? I wish her the best. You take one 'A' off of that and you've got gag. I don't know what these young people think or how they promote their careers. I'm older, I'm 56....I'm not one of these all-publicity-is-good people. People talk about you need exposure — you could die of exposure."
Word, Jerry.