It's Snarkurday!

I always like how Jennifer Lawrence tries to play herself off as just a Regular Jen.

See her fall down at the Oscars! Watch her barf on a red carpet! Hear her talk about farting! Watch her have an entire boutique in New York City shut down so she could shop!

Wait … what? Yup, JLaw went into Alexander Wang’s shop in Soho last week and had the store shut down for an hour — customers, regular folk, you know, were turned away — so she could browse without the riff-raff getting too close.

Regular Jen? Not so much.

Sean Hayes plays God in “An Act of God,” now playing in LA, and he’s taking the role to heart, even if it means calling out Candy Spelling for being late to the theater.

On opening night, the late Candy Spelling tried to slip into her seat unnoticed when God, er, Sean Hayes said, from the stage:

“I am the Lord ... but I’ll wait.”

Yes, even God waits for Candy Spelling to find a seat.

Jared Leto is one of those “method Actors” who has to live the role while he plays the role … as he did while playing The Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad.

He opted to send out Welcome To The Production Gifts to the cast … like bullets for Will Smith — to possibly send out to Oscar voters next year if he’s snubbed again — and a live rat he sent to Margot Robie. Leto even sent a special gift to Viola Davis:

“The Joker – he did some bad things, Jared Leto did. He gave some really horrific gifts. He had a henchman who’d come into the rehearsal room, and the henchman came in with a dead pig, and plopped it on the table. And then he walked out. And that was our introduction into Jared Leto.”

Yup, Viola got a dead pig from Jared Leto. So what? Was FTD closed that day?

So, Rihanna bailed on the Grammys and now she’s bailing on her tour?

Well, it’s happening, but now where and how it was supposed to happen. It was ALLEGEDLY set to start this week in San Diego, but it’s been moved to March 12 … in Jacksonville, Florida. But San Diego isn’t the only city Rihanna is screwing; shows in Oakland, San Jose, Houston, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Phoenix, and New Orleans have been rescheduled for May because of … “production delays.”

Maybe the Weed Truck is delayed?

But it’s worse in England where Rihanna has simply canceled two shows in Sunderland and Cardiff due to “logistical reasons.”

The Weed Truck doesn’t have a passport?

And it’s not great in the rest of Europe; Rihanna’s show in Berlin has been moved from the Olympic Stadium to the smaller Mercedes-Benz Arena, and the same thing happened in Belgium, where she’ll be headlining a summer festival instead of her own show; in Vienna, RiRi has been moved from the Ernst Happel Stadium to the smaller Wiener Stadthalle.

Downsizing. It’s not a good look on you Rihanna!

Oh Anne Hathaway! The role of a lifetime for you and, well, better luck next time.

Last fall, Disney announced that they’re working on a musical sequel to Mary Poppins because everyone wanted one … fifty years after the first one. Well, Disney executives did because they like the idea of more coins.

Still, this Poppins sequel will take place 20 years after the first movie and will use stories from the P.L. Travers’ series. And everyone, well, at least Anne Hathaway, was brimming with excitement because Anne Hathaway would be playing Mary—

What? Rumor has it that Emily Blunt had been offered the role and is in talks with Disney and so that ear-piercing, blood-curdling, agent-firing shriek you hear is Anne Hathaway, beating the ground with an umbrella with a talking bird handle.

Chim-chim-cheree, my ass!

So, 50 Cent. Last we talked he’d filed for bankruptcy and said the idea that he be forced to pay the lawsuits he lost was akin to slavery.

But, as we know, 50 loves to post photos of himself with stacks of cash on social media — he’s been doing it forever — and now a judge wants to know where all that cash came from, and since he takes selfies with it, it must be his, and therefore he can pay all his legal bills.

In response, 50 posted a photo of himself on a street corner holding a tin cup asking for spare change.

I guess money can’t buy you happiness or, in the case of Harry Styles, deodorant.

Apparently, on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Kendall, the model one, and Kylie, the not-model one, talked about Harry Styles being all kinds of pig stank.

Kendall said:

“I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.”

Ouch. But Styles could be used to it, because his last girlfriend, one Taylor Swift, ALLEGEDLY refused to kiss him because he had pig stank breath.

And, speaking of stank … the king of it all, Johnny Depp. Seriously, the man looks like he never bathes, washes his clothes, brushes his teeth, or combs his hair.

But maybe that’s all wrong; I mean, he looks like a  bum, and possibly reeks of alcohol, but Depp himself says that when people meet him they almost always comment on how he doesn’t smell as bad as he looks:

 “When I met people they said, ‘You do look like a hobo, but you smell really good.’ And goddamn it, I smell really good!”

And he says it’s because he uses Dior perfume.

That must be some strong-assed eau de toilette.

I’ve often assumed that Ariana Grande is the reincarnation of Mariah Carey — even though Mariah isn’t dead … it’s just her career that died — and now I have proof.

A new video has surfaced of Mariah being wheeled through a hotel lobby on a special dolly with a chair attachment so Mimi’s feet don’t touch the Earth. Now, I know what you’re saying: Ariana isn’t the new Mimi because Ariana gets carried around by her handlers.

But, c’mon, how many men would it take to lift Mariah? Just sayin … a dolly chair is better.

Oh, and since we talked Rihanna and her tour d-i-saster, let’s revisit her sudden disappearance from last week’s Grammys.

I said that it seemed like she ran off before performing because she’d seen Kendrick Lamar’s rehearsal and knew that her performance was more kindergarten Christmas pageant in comparison and so she fled. Turns out, I was right.

Say it again: Bob was right.

Rihanna’s people said:

“She felt like her performance couldn’t compare [to some of the other artists’], and she was trying to avoid the embarrassment because she knew it wasn’t the right comeback performance. She said, ‘I’m not doing this.'”

Say it with me: Bob was right.

And we’ll end with Rob Kardastrophe, and the fact that his family, especially That Woman, hate the fact that he’s boning Kylie’s boyfriend’s Baby Mama, Blac Chyna.

It appears That Woman would do anything to keep Rob out of Chyna — see what I did there? — and has gone so far as to buy Rob his own home in the Kardastrophe Kommunity in the hopes that maybe he’ll move away from his piece.

Didn’t happen. In fact, it appears Rob has moved Blac Chyna into the home That Woman bought and Blac Chyna began releasing video of all of the foods That Woman bought for him: Sharon’s Sorbet, McCann’s Irish Oatmeal and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Now that’s kinda funny, but the message Rob posted on Instagram after the move is the height of high-larity:

“When the pussy good but your family don’t like her so you drop your family and become an orphan.”

I’m guessing That Woman is flipping out in her crypt and just waiting for sunset so she can wing her way to Rob’s house and take back all the I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter!

It's Snarkurday!

Well, color me not surprised, but Kim Kardastrophe isn’t the only member of That Family to have a sex tape.

Appearing on Watch What Happens Live last Sunday night, Khloe Kardastrophe revealed that she and her sex-addicted ex-husband Lamar Odom also filmed themselves getting down and dirty:

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband, but not like, talking to camera. You remember those little cameras, little video cameras, that was my jam for a moment.”

And now, somewhere in California, That Woman is sandpapering her fingertips and taking a class in safe cracking.

Sadly, though, I imagine that everyone in That Family has a sex tape, all the way from That Woman boning FDR back in the Lincoln Bedroom, to the young untalented one … whatever is her name? … boning a hobo on the Santa Monica Pier.

This is so Liza-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!

And it’s all in Barry Avrich’s upcoming tell-all, “Moguls, Monsters and Madmen: An Uncensored Life in Show Business” in which he tells the story about meeting with Liza Minnelli to ask her to film a video to benefit AIDS research:

“I knocked on her door and a woman answered. She was wearing a colorful caftan, a matching turban and not a stitch of makeup . . . she told us to have a seat in the living room and that Ms. Minnelli would be with us shortly. I assumed this rather eccentric woman was Liza’s assistant or maid.”

Avrich sat and waited … and waited and waited and waited … for forty-five minutes for Minnelli to appear and when she finally did, he realized that it was Liza who’d answered the door and told him to wait for Ms. Minnelli.

I guess she was playing the dual role of maid and Madame that day.

Well well well, for the family who Drunken-Brawls-At-BBQs, and has an Abstinence-Preaching-Twice-Unwed-Mother, and a Homophobic-Ranting-Nit-Twit-Teenager, this is not so surprising but …

Track Palin — yes, his name is Track — the son of Mama Grizzly Bore™, was arrested this week on domestic violence charges after he got himself liquored up like mama taught him, grabbed an assault weapon, assaulted a woman and then tried to keep her from calling the police on his ass. He is being held without bail, and the question is …

Can he see Russia from his cell?

Oh, and a sidenote, Mama Grizzly Bore™ blames his drunken-firearm-brandishing-beat-down-of-a-woman on PTSD and ... wait for it ... it's rich ... President Obama.

Uh huh.

I guess with all the drama involving her son and her ex-husband, Madonna can be excused for forgetting the trivial parts of her life … like when she’s supposed to be onstage.

Madonna’s Rebel Heart Tour began back in September and she toured through December  — taking off for the holidays and family court — and then started touring again this month.

This week she did a show in Louisville, Kentucky that didn’t go so well. She pleased some of her fans, but pissed off many others after the show started three hours late and Madonna appeared to be drunk on stage. One fan said, “Madonna was very drunk” while another played it off, saying she was only “a lil drunk but funny.”

But then she pissed off even more people by trashing the people of Kentucky — where she was performing! — by speaking in a fake hillbilly accent that went over as well as her famous fake British accent.

Madonna heard about the complaining and she posted a response on Instagram, because she’s a fourteen-year … no offense to fourteen-year-olds:

Working on my stand up laying down. Good practice!!! Thanks Louisville! the tears of a clown soon to follow the #rebelheartour and for those people who like to believe all they read i never drink and perform!!! My show is 2 hours and 15 minutes of non stop singing and dancing. In Louisville I made a joke about doing a stand comedy act dressed as a clown and being able to drink alcohol. Its so very interesting how society continues to not only treat me in a totally sexist way (if i a were a man no one would have said a thing) and also continue to take everything i say literally! Thats what happens when people don’t read books and get all information from TMZ.

I guess those fans who say the show started three hours late were wrong, as were all the fans who said she was drunk. But the ones who say she’s an aging out-of-touch diva with little to no discernible talent, but an ego the size of a small car, are correct.

Oh, and later the same week she was two-and-a-half hours late to her Nashville concert, with Reba McEntire Tweeting live from the audience with updates, saying the show was to start at 8PM but Madonna didn’t come out until 10:31.

I believe Reba.

Now, howsabout some Tori Spelling juice that isn’t about her cheating husband and her crybaby “reality” show antics?

Okay, here it is: she’s being sued by Amex for not paying a nearly $38,000; well, she sent the coins, you know, but the check bounced.

Now, Tori grew up in the biggest house in LA County with a massively wealthy family, but she inherited less than a million and so she was forced to whore herself, her husband—who met one another while cheating on their spouses remember—and her children on television.

But all those coins weren’t enough to cover her Spelling-sized spending habits.

But Mama Candy came to the rescue and has admitted that she’s covering Tori's bills because Tori and Dean haven’t got two nickels to rub together. A paparazzo caught up with Candy, who inherited the bulk of her late husband, Aaron Spelling’s estate, and asked if she knew about Tori’s Amex debt and Candy seemed surprised but then said:

“I’ve been helping her out, I’m paying all her bills now. I’m not paying extras like that. I’m not paying any back payments, just for the house and the kids school and the food.”

And when asked how Tori could lose all her 90210 money, and reality money and book money and the nearly one million Daddy left her, Candy said:

“I don’t know. Extravagance I guess.”

Ouch.

So, Jada Pinkett Smith has been in the news this week crying Oscar boycott because her husband didn't get a nomination; Will took to the news outlets himself today to give a word salad worthy of Mama Grizzly Bore™ about lack of diversity in the nominations without exactly crying about not getting a nod for his attempt at accent in Concussion. But this is other Will and Jada news …

Alexis Arquette just snuck in on Facebook and slapped both Jada and Will for being closeted homosexuals …and how he won’t hear their talk of boycotting until they both some out:

“When Jada comes out as Gay and her beard husband admits his first marriage ended when she [his first wife] walked in to him butt servicing his Sugar Daddy Benny Medina … then I will listen to them. Will threw a fit on the set of Six degrees of seperation [sic] when he was required by the scene to kiss Anthony Rapp. He persuaded the director t shoot the back of his head in frame. Blocking the non existant [sic] lip lock entirely, Fuck him. Gays have enemies. They lurk in gilded closets. Outing is healthy. You are either with us or against us. You decide. Today.”

Alexis’ post has been deleted, but, as in all things internet, the screen shot lives forever.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Gwyneth Paltrow just got through trying to un-wedge a wedgie from her mouth after whining about how hard her life is as a Millionaire Mom and now she's gone and done it again! Here she is, in context, y'all, so remember that when she says her words were twisted, saying how hard it is to read about what a douche you are online:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

Yup, she compared reading "mean things" about Her Royal Assholiness to going to war, and one Cindy McCain, married to Grampa McCain, and mother of two sons serving in the military, is not happy with La Goop and Tweeted this:

“Gweneth [sic] Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her…Perhaps Gweneth Paltrow should go out on patrol with some soldiers. Kind of like a Red Carpet in her mind I guess!”

Oh yes she did. Snap. And I cannot wait for Gweneth — I may start using that spelling — to wriggle out of this latest bit of lunacy!

Emily Blunt recently sat down with the London Telegraph to discuss her co-starring role in the next Tommy Grrrl Cruise bomb, Edge of Tomorrow ... wait, wasn't that a 70s soap opera? Anyway, it's a routine interview until the writer brings up some snark Blunt tossed at Cruise and his kind of movies a while back.

See, back when she was a newbie in ‘The Biz’ Blunt said that she would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role “as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie” and so when the interviewer reminded her of the quote, she denied it:

“I never said that! What an awful thing to say.” 

Oops, then the interviewer brings out the article with that exact quote! Blunt laughs out loud and then says, “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier.”

But you're still in a Cruise Bomb.

If you ever wondered why Tori Spelling is such a media whore who would sell even the most agonizingly private moments of her life to the public, you need look no further than her mother, Candy.

In her second memoir Candy at Last, Old Lady Spelling tells the tale of the affair she had shortly after her wallet, er, husband, died. She had started seeing a man named Larry, but quickly stopped because he had a “penile implant” and just couldn't get enough of Candy's candy.

Ick.

Well, Charlie Sheen went and did it; he evicted his ex-wife, his baby mama, and the woman who took in two of his other children when that other ex-Mrs. Sheen spent the better part of a year in her twenty-seventh rehab, from the house he bought for her and his kids.

And all because his porn star fiancée commanded it.

He’s sold the home to a “friend,” although he’s allowing Denise and her girls, Sam, Lola and Eloise to remain in the home until the end of the school term."

What a gentleman, eh?

I say Denise move into a three bedroom place in the valley and let Charlie keep all of his money and hookers and whores and coke and be rid of him.

His girls would be better off.

Whitney Houston was an absolute legend who died long before her time, I'll grant you that, but I think even Whit might wake up and slap some sense into her family if she could.

See, there are some folks who want to make a movie about Houston and, well, it's a TV movie ... on Lifetime ... and Whitney's hangers-on — the ones living off her legacy — aren't at all happy.

After Lifetime made the announcement that they are planning on a biopic for 2015, with Angela Bassett making her directorial debut, that when the Houston’s had a problem. The family is so upset that Whitney won’t get feature film coverage that they’re considering a lawsuit to block production so they can make their own film, a kind of riff on the “This is It’” Michael Jackson movie.

And horror of horrors? Bobbi Kristina says she is the only actress capable enough to play Mama Whitney. Seriously? Bobbi Kristina? You bettah sit down, grrl, before you fall down.

Still, I wonder who will play Bathtub Whitney, though I imagine the Houston family will end their movie long before that happened, long before Bobby Brown, long before ‘crack is whack,’ like, say, right after "I Will Always Love You" became a big hit.

Lindsay Lohan is so in love with London that she'll do anything she can to live there even if she can't afford it.

She’s been telling everyone she wants to rent in London, but lacks the funds and is asking friends if they have flats that she can use. But, so far, all are saying No because no one wants to come home to an episode of Lindsay Lohan Crack Den Hoarders.

I'm betting she falls off the wagon again, goes to rehab again, gets out of rehab again and then hooks up with the UK's answer to Oprah — Graham Norton — and has him pay for a Brit version of her reality show docu-series and also pay for her to have a place to live.

Hey, it worked once y'all.

So, there is still gossip about how and why Solange Knowles "elevatored" Jay Z and the rumor that will not die is that it had something to do with his 'friendship' with designer Rachel Roy, but .... what if Beyoncé is the one having an affair a la Whitney in The Bodyguard?

Beyoncé’s bodyguard, Julius De Boer, became instantly famous when he saved her husband from crazy Solange. On the video from the elevator, Julius is all cool and calm and collected and now rumors are that he's kinda close to BeyBey. And it seems Jay Z thinks there's a little something going on. In fact, Jay wanted to fire Julius last February — before he saved Jay's ass — but Beyoncé put her foot down, then picked it back up and put it down put it down put it down.

It seems the singer and her bodyguard have raised eyebrows for years for their unusually close relationship; the eyebrows went higher back in '09 when Julius and Bey were spotted leaving a hotel, his lips stained with what looked like Beyoncé’s signature red lipstick.

Wow, to be stuck in an elevator while your wife's sister beats the crap outta you because she thinks you’re doing it with Rachel Roy, and then to have your wife’s ALLEGED lover save you?

No wonder Jay looked so glum after that elevator ride.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still here. 

The first season of their craptastic, desperate for attention Lifetime reality show True Tori has mercifully ended, but right there, near the end, Tori, who never had one part of her life she didn’t want to sell, or tell, in a feeble attempt to remain relevant, revealed that Dean got a special tattoo just for her. Now, he already has a tat of Tori’s face above his elbow — excuse me, I need a Vomit Break — but this new one he had inked right above his penis and it says "Tori's."

I guess he just wants to remind any women, or ALLEGEDLY, men who might wanna ride the Dean Peen, to whom it truly belongs.

Ick.

A little more news about the pre-divorce ceremony of Mr. and Mrs. Kardastrophe? Well, there are all kinds of new stories about Kanye Going Krazy at his own wedding, like …

It seems he made sure that the guests, if they had to tinkle, could do so in Full Eleganza-a-a-a-a-a-a. Yes, the biggest decorative element at the wedding — besides Kim’s ass — was a 49-foot tall gold box which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right beside the dinner tables, with a bar in front of it and, according to at least one guest the “toilet was the star of the show." In fact, he, and others, called it the Torre di Bagni Oro, the Gold Toilet Tower.

And, just to show how white-trashy Kanye is, he decided that the dinner tables should be made of marble, but instead of place cards, he ordered Italian stonemasons to engrave the name of each guest into the marble. Sadly, though, some names were lost in translation and badly spelled.

Then, four days before the wedding, Kanye ordered 30 life-sized nudes, sculpted black marble, be created and displayed at dinner. Sadly, 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were damaged in transit, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. Still, they were put around the dinner tables until Kanye came to the venue and ordered them moved away. Since each one weighed half a ton, the whole crew spent the final two hours using machines to move Kanye's nudes. In fact, it took so long that the first guests to arrive saw the forklifts moving them.

And the Gold Toilet Tower.

Not to be outdone by Kim Kash Kardastrophe's wedding ... because, by boning her on camera, he made her a celebrity ... Kim's porn movie co-star, and the bane of Kanye's life ... Ray J, got himself arrested for grabbing a woman's ass in a club, arguing with police, and then spitting on a police officer and kicking out the window of a patrol car.

I guess he really really wanted an invite.

I don't know how I missed this one but, back in 2012, it seems there was a sex scandal involving JLo's oldest boy, lover Casper Smart, and his visits to sleazy massage parlors where, ALLEGEDLY, he asked the women for a ‘quick handie’ during his during a rubdown.

That story quickly faded from view, but now we have a new sexy story about Casper cheating on JLo with a "transsexual model named Sofia Vissa” whom he ALLEGEDLY met online and began meeting up, and banging, in the real world. As soon as that story broke, JLo's team tried to shut it down, and it did die out, only to be replaced this week by yet another tale of Casper and a transsexual model named Xristina Marie. 

And this one might put the nail in Casper's coffin, er, allowance. “Sources” claim Jennifer and Casper are on the verge of splitting, and he will be staying home while she travels to the World Cup soccer championships in Brazil.

Hard punishment, because Casper loves Brazil and soccer, and, ALLEGEDLY, transsexual women.

Now, that ain't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but it seems like Casper had one job: take care of JLo and collect some coin, but he couldn't keep Little Casper in his pants.

Chris Brown is out of jail, y'all!

Back in May Chrissy was sentenced to spend more time in jail for violating the terms of his probation sentence for his Rihanna beat-down. He was supposed to stay in jail through June, but he was released at the end of May. He served 108 days of a 131 day sentence and received credit for his 116 days in rehab and this latest 59 days in jail, and so he was released for good behavior.

Here's the deal: his behavior only seems to be good when he's locked up, it's when he's free to roam the streets and beat his girlfriend, and toss chairs out of windows, and punch fans in the face, that his behavior turns bad.

Still, he could go back to jail soon because his trial for punching a fan, with the help of his bodyguard, starts soon.

And let’s end with some JLo.

This week Jennifer Lopez went back to the block to give her old neighborhood a concert and make herself seem like a regular girl.

So, wearing a pair of custom-made $5,000 Louboutins, hiding under an endangered $100,000 chinchilla coat, JLo left her $10,000-a-night Manhattan penthouse hotel suite and took her $500,000 Maybach though her old neighborhood hoping to snap some photos of her adoring former neighbors rushing the car for, perhaps, a glance of her magnificence.

Except that her old neighbors didn’t give a rat’s patootie that JLo was back, and couldn’t have cared less that she was performing in their neck of the woods. It seems only about half of the 25,000 people who received free tickets actually showed up to La Lopez’s first-ever show in the Bronx.

Ouch.  Of course, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — didn’t help her case by surrounding herself with her dancers and sitting on a mock stoop on the stage and singing … singing? ,,, a cappella like she was just hanging round the hood.

Seriously, JLo, you cannot go home again because they don’t want you there.