Snarky Thoughts

I know that not everyone in Hollywood has had work done—I mean, explain Steve Buscemi—but when someone stands up and shouts to the world that they are all-natural, well, you gotta take a ten-second swan dive into Google images to seek the truth. And I’m looking at you, Vicki Beckham. Some folks are saying that the pop-star-fashion-mogul has had a nose job but Vicki is setting the record straight, like her nose, that she has never had that kind of work done.

My Thought: Up top, Old Nose Vicki and New Nose Vicki. I don’t care about many pounds you drop, the nose doesn’t lose weight at the tip and also become straighter.

photo

At this week’s People’s Choice Awards—the awards show for the people … who know nothing about awards shows—Shania Twain was getting an Icon Award, and so she showed up to the event looking like, well that, up there. She had pink hair, and some cheetah head scarf that melded into a neck scarf that melded into gloves maybe, and a skirt with an arrow pointing to her vagina. And that wasn’t the worst thing of all … that was Shania’s new face that, like Vicki Beckham, I’m sure she will claim is still her old face.

My Thought: Some say the look  paid tribute to her cheetah ensemble from the That Don’t Impress Me Much video but I say why not just wear the old look and leave the Grannie Garanimal™ look at home?

Original  Thirsty Edition

Apparently Nick Cannon was in the hospital last week suffering from pneumonia, which means that nine months from today we can be guaranteed there will be no Cannon Spawn.

My Thought: Pneumonia? I thought maybe it was just restless Dick Syndrome?

photo

What is it with some women and their awards show fashion? Singer Rita Ora attended the 2022 British Fashion Awards last week in that look up there. Ora added intrigue to the look by bleaching her eyebrows and sporting mermaid-like facial prosthetics.

My Thought: Bra and thong under a sheer sheet is fashion? Or maybe there’s a porn version of The Little Mermaid happening?

Dress   Face

At the recent Kennedy Center Honors, where George Clooney was with a Lifetime Achievement Award he made sure Amal Clooney looked her best on the red carpet as well and helped place her train ‘just so.’

My Thought: I can’t help but think about Tina Fey, saying of Clooney’s Golden Globes Lifetime Achievement Award a few years back:

“Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an adviser to Kofi Annan on Syria and was appointed to a three-person commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip, so tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Snap.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Virginia Roberts Giuffre, who has accused Prince Andrew of sexual abuse of a minor, has apparently written a book proposal titled The Billionaire’s Playboy Club in which she writes about ALLEGEDLY being brought into Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring by Ghislaine Maxwell. Virginia has also ALLEGED that she was trafficked to Prince Andrew—a claim he denies—many, many times, and in her book proposal shares a particularly creepy tale.

Virginia claims that around Easter in 2001—when she was seventeen—Ghislaine called her to Epstein’s Manhattan townhouse. When she arrived Prince Andrew was present, and Ghislaine ALLEGEDLY plopped Virginia down on the Royal Lap, at which point Andrew pulled out his … puppet, a likeness of himself, from the 1980’s British satirical puppet show Spitting Image. Virginia writes:

“Andrew cupped my breast with a doll made in his image, I only giggled away. Ghislaine wanted to take a picture of the bizarre scene and even got Johanna [Sjoberg], another one of Jeffrey’s so-called personal assistants to come sit on his other knee for the snapshot.”

In a 2016 deposition as part of Giuffre’s since-settled defamation lawsuit against Maxwell, Sjoberg testified that she “sat on Andrew’s lap … they took the puppet’s hands and put it on Virginia’s breast, and so Andrew put his [hand] on mine.”

Virginia says that after Andrew was done joking around with his mini-me, they ALLEGEDLY headed down to the massage room.

Prince Andrew hasn’t responded to Virginia’s puppet allegation but may be trying to locate the puppet and have it arrested for groping since, it seems, it was the puppet who grabbed Virginia’s breast.

photo

Victoria and David Beckham have gone country, y’all, and the locals are none too happy. The Beckhams traded in Beverly Hills for the Cotswolds in England and seem to be on the verge of becoming the UK version of Green Acres! Except for, in this reboot, the neighbors don’t like them!

The Beckhams have been quarantining at their $7.83 million country home, about two hours outside of London, that has been officially designated an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty [AONB]. But then the Beckhams decided to renovate the nine-bedroom “cottage” to include an underground tunnel to a wine cellar and then another underground tunnel to a “super” garage. They have also installed a “privacy” hill, a sauna, a jetty and began digging a large swimmable pond.

And one local resident, Michael Douglas—not that Michael Douglas—have gone too far:

“What they appear to want is to bring suburbia into the countryside, if they had wanted all they have applied for why not find an estate which was big enough to accommodate all of this.”

Other locals are cringing at how tacky the Beckham’s property has become, calling it monstrous and saying the tunnels and ponds and man-made “privacy” hills could have an impact on the water table, which is a big issue.

The Beckhams 300-foot-wide swimmin’ hole  could affect a local critter called the Great Crested Newt. Neighbors says that any fish the Beckham’s dump into their pond might eat the newt’s larva, which means no more newts. In addition, the Beckhams want to light up the pool, er, pond, er poolond, even though local regulations prevent the use of spotlights because the light confuses local bats. The locals also want the Beckhams to dig holes under the pond, for hedgehogs, which are native to the area.

But the Beckhams clearly hate newts and bats and hedgehogs. Oh my.

photo

We don’t hear much about Heather Locklear unless she’s drunk and out of control and assaulting police officers or her boyfriend, so this is a nice surprise.

Heather claims to have had a “gross” encounter with actor James Naughton in 1996 while filming :

“There was a couple of scenes that they [cut me out of] and then the only scene [I ended up in] had no lines. And one of the actors [Naughton, who played her husband], we were at a funeral, and he was supposed to take his hand and touch my breast. [But] he actually touched more … Gross. So, I [told the producers], ‘Can you just take my name off the credits since now I don’t have any lines?’ So, it was creditless.”

Locklear says that Naughton, instead of grabbing her breast, actually outlined her areola with his finger:

“I was like [gasps] and I’m so glad they’re following his hand down [with the camera] because my face, my mouth is fallen open and I can’t believe it and don’t do it again. One take and let’s go.”

Naughton  has refuted Locklear’s claim, saying that he was indeed following the script; his spokesman said:

“James remembers shooting this scene as written in the script. He completely understands that Heather would have felt uncomfortable shooting this scene, as he felt uncomfortable as well.”

The spokesman then issues a page from the film’s script, dated December 9, 1995, which stated:

“Despite the grave facade, we see that Gil is subtly using his finger to feel Mary’s breast. Mary smiles at him shyly.”

Huh; maybe Heather didn’t read any of the script other than her lines?

photo

Ellen DeGeneres has had an awful summer; she has been called out of touch with the difficulties of the pandemic—whining about being stuck in one of her many mansions—and was dubbed a monster boss by employees—though, to be fair, it might just be the employees Ellen stopped paying after Covid struck. In addition, show is getting the internal investigation treatment for how toxic it ALLEGEDLY is behind the scenes while Ellen is all giggles and smiles and dance moves in front of the camera.

And now this … Australian radio host Neil Breen is sharing his Ellen story about her visit to Australia’s Today Show. It had been planned that Ellen would appear on the show and engage in a multitude of on-air tasks, but after a series of changes it would be just an appearance and interview by Australian journalist Richard Wilkins. After traveling to Melbourne at their own expense to conduct the interview, Neil and his team learned quickly that it wasn’t going to be an enjoyable experience. During a segment of his radio show 4BC Breakfast with Neil Breen he stated.

“Because it’s the Ellen show, they controlled everything. They controlled the interview seats, the lights, how it would work, everything. The producers called us aside and said, ‘This is how it’s going to work here this morning. Ellen’s going to arrive at 10:15, and she’ll be sitting in this chair. And Richard, you’ll be sitting in this chair here. Neil, no one’s to talk to Ellen. You don’t talk to her, you don’t approach her, you don’t look at her. She’ll come in, she’ll sit down, she’ll talk to Richard, then Ellen will leave.’”

Neil Breen does admit that it was mainly Ellen’s team making the demands and not Ellen herself, but:

“I didn’t get to talk to her. I wasn’t allowed to. I don’t know if she’s a nice person or not. I wouldn’t have a clue. But I can tell you, the people who worked with her walked on eggshells the whole time.”

And Ellen’s Summer Turned Fall From Grace continues … she has issued a faux-pology where she seems to blame her staff for people thinking she’s a tyrant … some celebrities, like actor-comedian Brad Garrett, are suggesting that the stories of Ellen’s giant ego are true … and there’s that whole investigation into sexual misconduct by some of her producers.

Ain’t too much dancing, eh, Ellen?

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Y’all know that the talk show hosts have been doing their shows from home these days, right? Well, one talk show host, the chic and stunning and impeccably mannered Wendy Williams is pissed at all of them.

In a recent interview with CNN—sinking low—Wendy shared some of her deepest nonsensical thoughts about how she’s managing to cope so beautifully as a remote entertainer … which is odd given she’s not even remotely entertaining. Still, Wendy had some doubts about doing her show hot mess from home because she calls it her ‘scared space,’ but when other hosts began doing the show-from-home thing she wasn’t happy with how their homes looked:

“Looking disgusting. I’m just saying.”

Wendy goes one step further by saying she’s better at this ‘from home’ stuff because she spent years on the radio; now, to be fair, she has a face made for radio.

“If it wasn’t for radio, I could not do this quarantine thing from home properly. I’ve so enjoyed this 11, going on 12, years of doing the talk show with the studio and hundreds of people and clapping…”

Hundreds of people? Counting is hard.

“I’ve so enjoyed that, but it is much easier for me as a host to be here at home, with no audience, because it’s always been about description. You know, I’ve been a radio host longer than I’ve been a TV host, so yes, right. Thank God for radio.”

Yes, because the less people see you, the better. Now, here’s another thought, trying doing a Silent Movie style radio show. I think that works for all of us. I’m just saying.

photo

It’s a One-Percent world and the rest of us are just trying to hang on.

David and Victoria Beckham are ALLEGEDLY worth $500 million dollars, but even the wealthiest of us need government assistance … right before we spend $20 million on a luxury Miami penthouse.

It seems that millionaire fashion “designer” Victoria Beckham asked for a British government handout during the pandemic to help furlough the employees of her fashion brand, and then plunked down $20 million on a new home.

Yup, Victoria’s fashion brand took $185,000 in government assistance over the span of two months to assist in paying her employees while she then wrote a check for $20 million. Like I said, it’s a One-Percent world. Still, to be fair, when word broke that Vicki went on the dole and then bought a penthouse, she declared she’d stop taking government assistance.

How big of her.

photo

Speaking of self-entitled media whores … Khloe Kardastrophe.

Despite the fact that toilet paper is one of the most scarce commodities in the pandemic, Khloe-Seeking-Attention, and her nephew Mason Disick, decided to TP Kourtney Kardastrophe’s house and then filmed it and put it all over social media because, again, it’s a One Percent world—though in this case I mean people whose brains only fire 1% of the time.

Here are some people responding to the stupidity that is all things Kardastrophe:

“Not that you care, @khloekardashian & @kourtneykardash, but my family had to use McDonald’s napkins for toilet paper last month. Congrats on being worthy of so much more than the rest of us that you didn’t think twice before posting your TP ‘prank’”

“khloe kardashian deciding to teepee kourtneys house with rolls of toilet paper just shows obnoxious & selfish rich people are even during a pandemic”

“Stores are limiting 1 pack of toilet paper per customer (when there’s any in stock). Meanwhile Khloe Kardashian is TPing her sister’s mansion”

Talk about self-entitled media whores out of touch. Better yet, don’t.

photo

As you all definitely know, presidential candidate Joe Biden has been accused of sexual assault by former Senate aide Tara Reade and, while some people get Tara Reade-with-an-E-at -the-end confused with aging starlet, former bad girl—pre-Lohan—and Shaknado “star” Tara Reid, Tara-no-E-at-the-end is out to capitalize on it.

Yes, capitalize on a sexual assault allegation.

Tara Reid is suing this mess to do speaking engagements, according to literary … did I spell that right … i-l-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-e … yes, talent manager, Philippe Ashfield:

“Tara Reid is set for motivational speaking on female empowerment and equal pay for women in Hollywood, after all she has been judged for being beautiful, blonde and female for many years before the #MeToo movement happened… Tara is set to make a major comeback in the next 12 months.”

Um, Tara Reid has been judged mostly for being an out-of-control wannabe and has-been who spent more time in the gutter than anyone—except Lohan—and whose biggest claim to fame is the time the straps on her slip dress slid off on a red carper, exposing her much-siliconed breast to the elements and she had no idea because … silicone.

Like that’s a TED talk I need.

photo

We all know that in recent months Ellen DeGeneres has been dragged across social media for claiming that isolating in any one of her mansions was like being in jail and for perhaps not being near as nice as she claims and screwing her TV  crew and staff during the quarantine, leaving them unpaid and uncertain if they’d have a job when this is over.

Well, foot stomp, head snap, Ellen does not like the criticism. A source—possibly Portia—says:

“Ellen is at the end of her rope. She thought this was all just sour grapes from a few haters. But it’s not a passing thing—the hits just keep coming.”

Look, I like Ellen, but she has shown herself to be out-of-touch and a bit self-entitled and a tad bit greedy these last few months. And while her quarantine shows are performing well in the ratings, I think she’ll be doing damage control for some time.

Like, perhaps, starting with an apology …?

photo

I’m sorry, I know they’re both adults, but that photo is all kinds of creepy. That troll doll on the right is 33-year-old …who seriously looks older … Mary-Kate Olsen, and the old guy is her, she hopes, soon-to-be ex-husband Olivier Sarkozy.

The lovebirds separated recently, and MKO—it’s too much to write her full name—wanted an emergency divorce filing granted after Olivier terminated the lease on their Gramercy Park apartment because she felt forced out with nowhere to go.

Sidenote: there are tons of bridges in New York were trolls can live.

But this darn virus has ruined MKO’s plans because her emergency order request  has been deemed “not essential” and with the courts in NYC closed, well, let’s just say the bridges are looking like a nice alternative.

MKO’s demand was rejected last month by Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Michael Katz because the “essential matter procedure” was not followed. Oops, a One-Percenter didn’t follow the rules? The only odd thing about that is that the One-Percenter was then treated like an everyday normal person.

But here’s what gets me … MKO wants the emergency filing because Olivier sold their apartment and she has nowhere to live and nowhere to put her things.

Seriously, a rich troll can’t get a U Haul and some POD storage lockers?

photo

It's Snarkurday!

Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. I’m so glad she’s taken her life back and decided to finally stop feeling bad about being a beautiful rich white woman.

While promoting the Facebook series Queen America … whatever that is … the 48-year-old [?] CZJ is finally taking off the shackles of being humble:

“One thing I’m not is humble any more. I’m sick of being humble. I really am. ‘So sorry I’m rich, so sorry I’m married to a movie star, so sorry I’m not so bad looking. No sorrys. Enough. All that is important to me now is my work. That’s what I love and the rest of my life is a joy because I’ve got two beautiful kids and a healthy, happy husband. It’s all good, and I’m not going to be humble for that either.”

Sorry you’re a self-entitled bitch. Now, go.

photo

Speaking of going, Liza would like anyone who wants to talk about Renée Zellweger playing her Mama, Judy Garland, in the upcoming Judy, to step aside as she has no time for you.

Recently Radar Online posted a story entitled Renée Zellweger Bonds With Liza Minnelli While Playing Mom Judy Garland In Biopic and Liza decided to Oh Hell no that yarn because, as Mimi once said famously of JLo:

“I don’t know her.”

Liza says:

“I have never met nor spoken to Renee Zellweger… I don’t know how these stories get started, but I do not approve.”

Radar has since removed the story.

Liza didn’t explain why she’s opposed to Judy, but maybe the continued exploitation of her Mama is still too much … or maybe the post was actually written by one Anne Hathaway, who’d hoped to play Judy in her own d-i-sastrous film.

Just sayin’.

photo 1, 2

Roseanne Barr is still trying to defend being a racist Twitter troll.

First was the Ambien defense.

Then came the It was a joke defense.

Then there was the idea that she thought Valerie Jarrett was of Saudi and Jewish descent which makes it okay to call her a Muslim ape.

And now this …

“Thomas Muhammad has agreed to speak for me, as he knows the work I have done in civil rights against racism ALL MY LIFE & understands my tweet was about Iran's regime, not race-The website is: http://www.bbunity.com.”

Then she added:

“Rod Serling wrote Planet of The Apes. It was about anti-Semitism. That is what my tweet referred to-the anti-Semitism of the Iran deal. Low IQ ppl can think whatever they want.”

Or people who know a racist tool when they see one.

Go sit by CZJ and wait for the bus to nowhere; you have a seat in the back.

photo

Clearly this is about keeping the Cosby Coins, but rumor has it that Camille Cosby is finally ready to divorce her sexual predator husband, Bill.

Once upon a time, Camille tried to say the dozens and dozens and dozens of sexual misconduct and rape allegations against her husband were a witch hunt akin to the murder of Emmet Till—yes, she sank that low—but now Camille has apparently left Bill’s side and is staying in their Massachusetts manse all alone …well, alone with her chef, her drivers, and her three grown children.

Bill is staying in Pennsylvania awaiting sentencing.

It smells to me like the divorce is a ploy to get the Jell-O money and hand it to Camille and the kids so when those dozens and dozens of civil suits are filed Mrs. C won’t be a broke-ass b*tch.

photo

Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t at the Tony Awards last weekend, but he still shot off a series of live Tweets, one of which was one of those Mimi-JLo lines … “I don’t know her” … things aimed at “backstage host” Rachel Bloom. Sadly, the joke fell flat and Bloom wasn’t feeling the NPH hate; she told GQ:

“No, no, no. It wasn’t a joke  … I saw that tweet. And I was kind of devastated. I was actually going to tweet, “This makes me sad.” But then I was like, “Ehhhhhhhhhh … I don’t want to give him that, necessarily.” Look. I’ve met him a couple times. Very recently, backstage in the dressing room of a Broadway show. And we hung out for a solid 15 minutes with the star of this Broadway show. It was just bizarre to me that it wouldn’t ring a bell. And also, that he wouldn’t Google it.”

Oh, and Bloom’s husband was a writer on NPH’s old show How I Met Your Mother And the two have met … several times. But then Bloom threw her own shade back at NPH:

“But look, he’s not a writer, so his version of a Twitter joke is to just kind of … live-comment to Twitter followers with kind of random, unformed thoughts. And fame does that to you—where you think every kind of random, unformed thought is a gem, because you get 10,000 likes from it. “

NPH felt the heat and, of course, Twit-pologized:

“Sincere apologies to @Racheldoesstuff for my Tony tweet. I failed to research her before pressing ‘send’, and what I thought was a funny comment in our living room must have been far from funny to read, backstage, mid show. As a performer and a parent, I should have known better.”

Rachel has accepted his apology and once again all is right in the universe! At least on Broadway!

photo

Judith Nathan Giuliani is about to quit a bitch … a bitch called Rudy …and she is talking no prisoners.

See, according to Judy, Rudy has ALLEGEDLY been boning one Maria Rosa Ryan since right before he kicked Wife #3 to the curb. Judy filed for divorce five days after Rudy and The Side-Piece were spotted getting cozy at a ­hotel in Maine. No word on whether Maria has filed for divorce, though.

No word on why anyone would ever marry Rudy Giuliani, much less him anywhere near you. I get the skeeves just seeing his picture.

photo

So, speaking of marriages on the Rocks … the rumor going around is that after 19 years of marriage, Victoria Beckham and David Beckham are done after a rumor broke that Beckham had bent it into one of their daughter’s teachers.

Now, both their reps—they each have their own, nothing to see there—have denied the tryst, and point out that Posh and Becks, and their brood, are set to do a photo shoot for Vogue. And, while that may seem like they’re staying together for the kids, others say they’re staying together for the coins … 500 million of them.

Anyone can have kids, but it takes a lot of work to earn a half-billion dollars and who wants to part with even half of that?

photo

Oh Jeff Lewis, that mouth of yours.

Lewis, the star of Bravo’s Flipping Out and his partner, Gage Edward, hired a woman to be their surrogate and carry their daughter Monroe. It all worked out fine and made for a Very Special Episode of Flipping Out but … now the surrogate, Alexandra Trent, is suing Jeff and Gage, and she has a mighty fine case.

It seems that the relationship between the Daddy’s and The Surrogate went south after Lewis made an off-color joke about Trent’s vagina while she was giving birth to his child:

“If I was a surrogate, and I had known there was going to be an audience, I probably would have waxed. And that was the shocking part for Gage. I don’t think Gage had ever seen a vagina, let alone one that big.”

So last week, Alexandra Trent filed suit claiming that Lewis and Edward had humiliated her and left her “deeply damaged” by making the “disgusting” comment on the show; she also accused Bravo and Flipping Out producers Authentic Entertainment of filming her vagina without permission, claiming that she had never given consent to have her delivery filmed and that it “caused incredible anguish, self-loathing, contempt and depression.”

I think she has a strong case, though I cannot imagine that she had no idea that Jeff Lewis is kind of a pig who says inappropriately rude things to anyone and everyone all the time.

Still, I sense Jeff Lewis will be a surrogate for Alexandra Trent’s bank account.

photo

Another shocking marital break-up in Hollywood.

Jenny Garth’s third husband, actor Dave Abrams, has filed for divorce just shy of the second anniversary.

Jennie and Dave met on a blind date in late 2014 and were engaged four months later, then married two months after that, so they’re used to doing things fast … date, proposal, marriage, divorce in under four years!

When Dave filed for divorce he requested that Jennie be denied spousal support though he said that, ahem, “everything is chill” between the splitting up couple and that they would “remain friends.” 

Maybe not; last week Jennie filed a response to Dave’s divorce and asked the court to terminate any ability Dave might have of requesting spousal support, citing that the 37-year-old actor signed a prenuptial agreement.

She still has 90210 coins, you know, and doesn’t want Dave’s greasy hands on them because, well, who the f%k is Dave Abrams? Dave’s acting resume is slim at best; he has played “cool guy” on one episode of 2 Broke Girls and has a few “uncredited” roles …Hollywood-speak for “extra.”

Meanwhile she was Kelly Taylor! Know what I mean?

photo

Wait, what? Jason Mraz is a bi guy?

Well, the 40-year-old Mraz has been a longtime supporter of the LBGTQ community and recently wrote a love poem to our people for Billboard and Pride Month in which he includes the line:

“I am bi your side.”

Play on words or into more than one gender? Jason’s hinted several times in the past that he’d be fine with trying out a gay … raises hand … and was maybe, kinda, sorta, about dating his gay best friend back in 2005:

“It wasn’t until we were out for dinner on Valentines Day that I realized we both we’re having a very romantic time together. Right before I moved to California he gave me a strong-willed kiss goodbye, which I have never experienced before. Unfortunately, he had a little bit more facial hair than I like.”

Here’s Mraz’s full poem:

“Dear You,
Thank you.
You have inspired me.
Re-wired me.
You showed me what strength is.
You demonstrated courage over and over again.
You risked so much for love.
You never compromised your expression
Even when
Your rights and freedoms were being compromised.
You stood up for me.
You stood up for the world.
And now the world is better because of you.
We still have a long way to go
But know
I am bi your side.
All ways.”

Am I gonna have to head to the warehouse for a toaster oven, Jason?

photo

Go ahead laugh, but we’ve already elected one dimwitted asshat of a reality star as president so is the idea that one Kim Kardastrophe-West might run for office one day too far-fetched?

Kardastrophe-West recently stepped into the spotlight of the ACLU by getting herself some airtime as the savior who freed Alice Marie Johnson, non-violent drug offender who was serving a disproportionate-to-the-crime life sentence without the possibility of parole. And she …or maybe it was her giant ass … convinced _____ to commute Johnson’s sentence and now she has told CNN that she wouldn’t say no to running for POTUS.

Seriously. Don’t think it can’t happen?  And think about Kanye as the First Lunatic!

photo

It's Snarkurday!

Remember Katherine Heigl? She was on Grey’s Anatomy until she had a hit movie and then her movie career tanked so she crawled back to TV in State of Affairs and then that tanked, so now she has a new gig doing … wait for it … it’s priceless … kitty litter commercials.

Yup, she’s the shill for Cat’s Pride Fresh & Light Ultimate Care kitty litter, but, to hear Heigl say it, she’s doing the ads because Cat’s Pride is donating a portion of the profits to her animal charity, The Jason Debus Heigl Foundation. Right, because every Emmy-award winning actress, who made a few successful rom-coms, then went back to TV and bombed becomes a spokestool for a spot for cats to take a dump.

Karma is not only a bitch, she’s one high-larious bitch!

So Madonna is continuing her Meltdown Rebel Yell tour Down Under and it’s still a hot mess. Even if we excuse the drunken tricycle riding clown as part of the act it’s still a mess. And now it’s going so badly that she actually performed to a half-empty stadium this week … because the trains stopped running before the show started so people left so they could get home.

Then … in Brisbane, Madonna sexually assaulted Josephine Georgiou, a 17-year-old girl. Georgiou says it was all a misunderstanding that occurred when Madge pulled her up onstage to “walk the runway” while she “spanked” her — that’s entertainment? But then Madonna started playing with Georgiou’s corset and it came open, exposing the girl onstage.

Madonna’s response:

“Oh sh-t. Oh sorry … You can do the same to me if you like…”

Luckily for Madge, Georgiou didn’t mind having her breasts exposed in a video that’s gone viral — she calls it “the best moment of my life” — but, still, this is a Madonna show? I guess after waiting two hours or more for Madonna to paste on her clown make-up needs the reward of audience nudity to make it worthwhile?

Victoria Beckham opened a store for her clothing line in Hong Kong this week and had a special moment with her fans, by agreeing to pose for a photograph surrounded by the hordes of “regular people.”

“Regular people” who were kept five feet away from her behind a sheet of glass.

Rule # 1: No one touches or breathes on Posh Spice.

Chris Brown has gotten another new temporary restraining order against him courtesy of one Danielle Patti who says Brown, whom she claims to have dated, has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media.

Batterer say what? Chris Brown getting violent with a woman? But this isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have tussled; last December, Chris called police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and she was charged with criminal trespassing.  But Danielle says it wasn’t like that; she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers and now says she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.

So she’s gotten a judge to order that Chris stay 100 yards away from her and have no contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be.

The hearing will consist of the judge seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the TRO and instantly saying, “Petition granted.”

More Madge Meltdown? M’kay …

For weeks now, we’ve heard tales of how her Rebel Heart Tour has gotten cray-cray — onstage drunkenness, hours late to her shows, sexually assaulting teenagers — and people seem to think it has something to do with her son Rocco choosing to live with his father, Guy Ritchie, and not Mama Madge.

But, what if that isn’t why she’s gone off the rails? What if it’s … gasp … Sean Penn? See, after months of the two appearing cozy and comfy rumor has it that Sean has found himself a new girlfriend and that has driven Madge into Sad Clown Mode … especially after photos appeared of Penn kissing a 20-year-old mystery blonde while on a romantic date in Chicago.

Twenty-years-old? That’s almost three Madonna’s!

Rabid Catholic Mel Gibson and his former mistress and current baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, have been battling it out in court over child support for years. Oksana ALLEGEDLY “leaked” audio recordings of Mel going batsh*t crazy on her and even got him to admit on tape to beating her. For a hot second it seemed like Mel might go to jail for being a batterer — he might have stayed in the Chris Brown Suite — and maybe Oksana would have scored a huge payday by way of child support for their daughter Lucia.

Not so much; in 2011, they settled on a pay-out of $750,000 over the course of five years, plus Mel bought Oksana a home. But now, in 2016, Oksana filed for bankruptcy and admitted that she forfeited half of her Gibson Settlement Cash because she broke the confidentiality agreement he made her sign as part of the deal.

Still, in addition to the settlement money and the house, Oksana gets $20,000 a month in child support and now she wants more because raising a baby in a house your ex bought and paid for is expensive. So she wants Mel to pay her $137.00 … an hour … all day … every day … all year … every year. Yup, she wants $100,000 a month because she claims she needs all that cash to keep her child living a life to which she’s become accustomed … though I imagine Lucia doesn’t see more than a few coins of any money that Daddy sends.

And, to put it in context, Oksana wants $100,000 a month for one child, while Charlie Sheen pays $110,000 a month for four kids. Just sayin’.

Blake Shelton has filed a $2 million lawsuit against In Touch magazine for saying he’s a drunk and in rehab. The article claims Blake hit rock bottom during his marriage to Miranda Lambert, and accused him of having a drinking problem and of cheating on her; as evidence, In Touch added details claiming Blake had been drunk on The Voice and once peed on a mailbox.

Blake’s lawsuit says it’s all a lie and that he doesn’t “drink excessively, binge drink or have a drinking problem” and that he has “never urinated on a mailbox” and that he does “not slur” his words and he does not “drink vodka before 11 AM.”

Now, after 11AM all bets are off. Look, I don’t care about Blake Shelton, drunk or not drunk, but when this story broke last week I heard an ET talking head say to him, “I’ve never interviewed you when you didn’t have a drink in your hand,” and he said, “I know.” And then he Tweets things like this:

“I’m so drunk right now I just walked in to Kentucky Fried Chicken and shouted "Finger licking good?!! Can yall dump my order in my pants?!"”

“I'm so hungover right now I just shaved my reflection and put on a single sock. Not on my foot...”

“I'm so drunk right now I just defrosted my cat... In the microwave...”

I’m not saying he’s a drunk but he plays the part really well.

Huge drama in Mimi’s camp, and all because of her sure-to-be-craptastic reality show and her manager, Stella Bulochnikov.

It appears that since Bulochnikov came aboard she has alienated all of Mimi’s peeps and now they’re bailing on her: her business manager, Michael Kane, her international publicist, Connie Filippello, her domestic publicist Chris Chambers, her tour manager Michael Richardson, her travel manager Gaylin Winkler and her stylist Wilfredo Rosado have all said bye-bye to Mimi. And all because, they ALLEGE, that Mariah has allowed Stella Bulochnikov to run her life.

Bulochnikov joined Carey as her manager last year and has since brought in her own family members to help manage Carey and that’s caused the mass exodus of her longtime team. Bulochnikov even brought in her own lawyer and bookkeeper which ALLEGEDLY left Mariah’s staffers waiting to be paid. And now it seems that Stella is using Mimi’s “reality” show to badmouth the former Carey Crew on-camera.

Seriously, it’s gonna be like a Real Housewives of Atlanta up in that show. When Page Six tried to contact Bulochnikov on the story she told them to “f**k off.” For her part, Mariah is too busy being wheeled through hotel lobbies to respond.

It seems that even though Chris Martin consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow last year he’s still as much of a diva as his ex-wife.

While Chris and Coldplay were performing on the Today Show last week, Chris was treated like royalty while his bandmates were treated like Octavia Spencer in The Help. It was raining during their TV set and when it was over Today Show handlers and assistants ran to Martin with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and blankets and blow-dryers and … and … everything a diva might want or need while the rest of the band was left to fend for themselves … using yesterday’s Daily News to shield themselves from the downpour.

Naturally, a rep for the band — someone named Pwyneth Galtrow — says this is “absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining.”

And not the kind of rain that Chris Martin should ever have to endure since he’s become Paltrow’d.

Madonna is so full of herself, and thinks she’s above it all, that she actually had her “team” post fake “No Parking” signs outside her Upper East Side building so she could snag the precious spots for herself.

The signs red “Tenant Parking Only” and “Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed Away” and someone even painted a curb yellow and etched “No Parking” into sidewalk cement.

After complaints from her neighbors, Department of Transportation officials told Madonna’s people to take down the fake signs immediately.

I guess she’ll have to find somewhere else to park her tricycle after she returns from yet another drunken performance that started two hours late and played to a half-empty house.

Just sayin’.