The Funny Papers

Lalo Alcaraz, Daniel Boris, Michael de Adder, Rick McKee, Max Espinoza, Pedro X Molina, Nick Anderson, RJ Matson, Chris Britt, Mark Fiore, Marc Murphy, Gary Huck, 

I Didn't Say It

Hozier, Irish singer-songwriter and longtime LGBTQ+ ally, taking a stand for the transgender community:

“If you believe in a free and open society, part of that is respecting and supporting your fellow citizens’ rights to be who they are. For me, it’s a question of decency and showing up. It’s a very simple question of human decency when you treat someone with respect, you treat them with respect whether that’s their pronoun, their name—it’s so simple. It really is. These things aren’t that complicated, you know? I think it’s grimly predictable at a time we’re in a cost-of-living crisis, this massive crisis of inequality, a rental crisis, housing crisis,” he said. “At a time where there are already huge, huge questions to be asked about how our society is functioning and what we want out of an economy that really isn’t working for everyday folks … there are media companies who love picking soft targets, and rather than having conversations about the actual, serious, difficult questions of our time and our collective predicament, will just take less than one percent of the population and decide the most pressing thing is to talk about them in an existential way. I don’t know who might need to hear this today but you are loved, you are seen and you deserve to be happy and respected for who you are and the God given life you live.”

This isn’t the first time Hozier has spoken out in support of the LGBTQ+ community; his Grammy-nominated 2013 debut single “Take Me to Church” blasted religious dogma and shame around sexuality. And after Tennessee became the first state to ban drag performances, Hozier performed with Sheryl Crow, Maren Morris, and others at the “Love Rising” concert benefiting Tennessee Equality Project, Inclusion Tennessee, and Out Memphis.

Bravo. But on the flip side …

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Jason Aldean, doubling down on his faux outrage and fake patriotism:

“So, all you weirdos out there who escaped your small town? I see you. I know what you went through. And I hope you have found a place where you feel at home and comfortable enough to be yourself. You were never a weirdo. There was never anything wrong with you. You are not depraved. Sometimes we’re just born where we don’t belong. And someone creating an idyllic and violent fantasy of “community” of the place you had to leave behind doesn’t change that one bit.”

Sometimes we’re born where we don’t belong? Fuck all the way off you asshat. In America anyone and everyone should belong where they choose to live and if you think your stance makes you patriotic you need to get a goddamned dictionary. Or just shut the fuck up.

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Chris Christie, on Ron DeSantis and Florida’s new Slavery Wasn’t So Bad education plan:

“First of all, ‘I didn’t do it and I’m not involved in it’ are not the words of leadership. You know, look, Governor DeSantis started this fire with the bill that he signed, and now he doesn’t want to take responsibility for whatever is done in the aftermath of it. And from listening and watching his comments, he’s obviously uncomfortable. The fact is that [he] starts these things for political advantage. I’m talking about governors micromanaging curriculum in schools. And the fact is that, you know, if this was such a big issue for Governor DeSantis, he had four years to do this. He only started to focus on this when he decided he wanted to run for president and tried to get to the right of [Thing 45]. So I think people see this as politically manipulative. We’re dividing our country into smaller and smaller and smaller pieces, and politicians are pitting them against each other to create conflict.”

What the hell is happening in the world where I agree with Chris Christie? But he’s right, DeSantis signed the bill but now acts like he had nothing to do with it, and that’s a chickenshit move. Which is what he is, and what he would be if he ever gets into the White House.

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Jesse Watters, taking over for Tucker Carlson as the most prolific POS on FOX, on Florida’s Slavery Wasn’t So Bad Laws:

“The curriculum includes how Black slaves were able to use their experience in some cases to make their brutally hard lives better. The course examines the various duties and trades performed by slaves like agricultural work, painting, carpentry, tailoring, domestic service, blacksmithing, transportation. ‘Instruction includes how slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.’ That’s the section everyone’s freaking out about. No one is arguing slaves benefited from slavery. No one is saying that. It’s not true. They’re teaching how Black people developed skills during slavery in some instances that could be applied for their own personal benefit. We can’t have an honest conversation with the likes of Kamala Harris or the likes of MSNBC. They don’t want an honest conversation. Why is Kamala Harris so dishonest about how Black history is taught? Is she ignorant and hasn’t read the curriculum? Is she just being handed talking points by staff? Or does she not want African-American history taught this way? Does she not want students to learn how resilient and capable Black Americans were during slavery and afterwards? What is Kamala Harris hiding?”

Let’s try this, Jesse. You live the life of a slave in the 1860s, okay?

We’ll start with you being chased by strangers and then captured and thrown onto a ship, chained in the bowels where you will spend months crossing an ocean lying in yours, and your fellow slaves,’ excrement; you will hardly be fed, and in fact many of you will die before you reach America. But you reach it, and you are poked and prodded and sold; your name is changed; you are separated from your family. You are put to work on a plantation where you toil from sunup to sundown seven days a week, every single day of the year. You are often starving; you are often beaten by the master for any reason while working in the fields. You sleep twenty or more in one room, often on a bare wooden floor. You cannot marry, you cannot learn to read, and any children you have are taken from you and sold off to who knows where. But then the Civil War happens and you’re suddenly freed and you can be a sharecropper on some white man’s land using the skills you learned on the plantation and you think that’s a positive thing?

Kindly fuck all the way off you self-entitled soulless fool.

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Brian Kilmeade, Fox News host, on Jason Aldean’s inflammatory, racist, hate-filled song:

“I looked at some of the lyrics, because in country music you can actually understand them. He’s taking it from the news. This is happening. This is so outrageous. There’s lawlessness everywhere. He’s trying to say, ‘In a small town—we’ve given up supporting the cops—we elect our own sheriffs, we take care of our own, and if you come in my house, you’re going to get shot.’ That’s called the American dream.”

I must have missed that dream of shooting people; just like I missed the dream where if you’re different from lily white faux-christian gun-toting conservatives then you don’t belong in their towns.

And you should be careful, Brian, because with the plucked eyebrows, and the tinge of blush on the cheeks, along with a hint of gloss on the lips, you’d be run out of Jason Aldean’s small town.

And don’t forget: small towns murdered Emmett Till and Matthew Shepard just for being different.

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Kamala Harris, Vice President, criticizing Florida “extremists” for backing educational guidelines to teach “revisionist history” about slavery being “good” for slave:

“Adults know what slavery really involved. It involved rape. It involved torture. It involved taking a baby from their mother. It involved some of the worst examples of … depriving people of humanity in our world. How is it that anyone could suggest that, in the midst of these atrocities, that there was any benefit to being subjected to this level of dehumanization? They insult us in an attempt to gaslight us, and we will not stand for it.”

It's insanity.

Racist, revisionist, insanity.

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I Didn't Say It

Ron DeSantis, Florida’s fascist governor, still stinging form the Mickey Mouse bitchslap, panders to Thing 45 and his ilk:

“The weaponization of the legal system to advance a political agenda turns the rule of law on its head. It is un-American. The Soros-backed Manhattan District Attorney has consistently bent the law to downgrade felonies and to excuse criminal misconduct. Yet now he is stretching the law to target a political opponent. Florida will not assist in an extradition request given the questionable circumstances at issue with this Soros-backed Manhattan prosecutor and his political agenda.”

You’re so transparent Ron. You’re either doing this because you think the MAGAts will swing to your team in Thing 45 goes away, or you’re doing this because you think it might make a criminal more popular And you’ll lose in 2024.

Either way, you look like a bitch.

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Steve Scalise, House Majority Leader, who himself nearly died in a mass shooting, knows how to stop the bloodshed:

“The first thing in any kind of tragedy I do is I pray. I pray for the victims. I pray for their families. I really get angry when I see people trying to politicize it for their own personal agenda, especially when we don’t even know the facts. We’ve talked about things that we can do, and it just seems like on the other side, all they want to do is take guns away from law abiding citizens before they even know the facts. The first thing they talk about is taking guns away from law abiding citizens. And that’s not the answer, by the way. So why don’t we number one, keep those families in our prayers.”

It’s been over ten years since Sandy Hook and with the GOP offering nothing but prayers it is clear that Steve Scalise is a dumb fuck.

It’s been six years since Steve Scalise was shot, and clearly his own prayers didn’t even save him.

What’s that saying … doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity? That’s Scalise and the GOP; fucking insane.

Praying doesn’t work.

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Brian Kilmeade, Fox & Friends host, on that Thing 45 rally in wacko Texas:

“The United States’ former president opened up with January 6 video, which is insane! He should be running from that, period. I don’t care [about] his point of view, that is not a good thing for him. I thought that was absolutely awful. Even though he is winning in the polls, that will not help.”

He doesn’t care; his ego is so huge, and so overrun with Adderall and syphilis that he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and his Red Hatted MAGAT minions will do his dirty work for him.

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Kanye West, on his new pro-Jew stance and how it happened:

“Watching Jonah Hill in 21 jump street [sic] made me like Jewish people again. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people.”

Seriously, someone get him back on his meds.

Also of note, Kanye dd not disavow his love for Hitler.

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Gregg Jarrett, Fox News legal analyst  and apparent moron, has a new theory about January 6:

“One wonders, did Nancy Pelosi want it to get out of hand? Is that the reason why her daughter was suddenly there filming her mother in this heroic role? Because all of this, you know, was somehow planned and conjured up? You know, I think it’s worth asking the question but the committee wouldn’t allow it.”

Yes, Nancy Pelosi riled up the MAGAt Minions to march to the Capitol and “take back” their country because her daughter was there filming a documentary.

Um, Gregg, you ignorant fool, Pelosi’s daughter was there because it was an historic day in American politics, as it is every four years, when a presidential election result is certified.

Only one politician prodded a mob or miscreants, losers, basement dwellers, and tiny dicked Proud Boys to go to the Capitol that day.

PS Gregg Jarrett says his home Wi-Fi mysteriously goes down whenever he’s writing a hit piece about Biden.

It might be that tin-foil hat, fool.

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Tim Burchett, Tennessee GOP Congressman, has said the quiet part out loud about mass shootings in America:

“We’re not going to fix it. It’s a horrible, horrible situation, and we’re not going to fix it. Criminals are gonna be criminals. [My] daddy fought in the second world war, fought in the Pacific, fought the Japanese, and he told me, he said, ‘Buddy,’ he said, ‘if somebody wants to take you out, and doesn’t mind losing their life, there’s not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it.’”

Just let ‘em die and keep on moving, eh you ignorant gun loving fuck? And when this fool was asked a follow up question about how to protect his own daughter in school, Burchett replied:

“Well, we homeschool her, but you know, that’s our decision. Some people don’t have that option and frankly, some people don’t need to do it. I mean, they don’t have to. It just suited our needs much better.”

So he sees the problem of mass shootings in schools but I guess if his kid is safe then there’s nothing for him to do.

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Rachel Maddow, on Thing 45 promoting a Twitter poll conducted by Elon Musk’s favorite right-wing troll:

“Very, very exciting for them, right? If you look closely, you can see that the source for this poll is… Oh, @catturd2! Congratulations, sir! Who among us has not longed for the day in which we can claim victory in the acclaimed @catturd2 presidential poll? You know, @catturd2 does really seem to appeal to [Thing 45] in a visceral way, and I will note that Mike Pence is almost certainly not coming back as [Thing 45] running mate. I know it doesn’t totally roll off the tongue, but the t-shirts would be incredible, right? Vote [Thing 45]-Catturd2, for a Fresh Step! Scoop away your worries! Now with less clumping!”

It would be nice if Thing 45 had less clumping. But the best part is that he’s retweeting Catturd2 and their endorsement.

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I Didn't Say It

President Biden, on the leaked draft of the Supreme Court’s opinion striking down Roe v. Wade:

"We do not know whether this draft is genuine [Biden spoke before the Supreme Court confirmed the authenticity of the draft], or whether it reflects the final decision of the Court [but] with that critical caveat, I want to be clear on three points about the cases before the Supreme Court. First, my administration argued strongly before the Court in defense of Roe v. Wade. We said that Roe is based on 'a long line of precedent recognizing ‘the Fourteenth Amendment’s concept of personal liberty’… against government interference with intensely personal decisions. I believe that a woman’s right to choose is fundamental, Roe has been the law of the land for almost fifty years, and basic fairness and the stability of our law demand that it not be overturned. We will be ready when any ruling is issued. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November. At the federal level, we will need more pro-choice Senators and a pro-choice majority in the House to adopt legislation that codifies Roe, which I will work to pass and sign into law." 

You heard it from Joe; if you believe a woman has the right to choose her own healthcare options, then vote for pro-choice candidate, er, Blue.

CASTA  GODDAMNED VOTE!

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Brian Kilmeade, Fox & Friends host, proving chauvinism and misogyny are a trademark at Fox:

“Let’s talk about this, something new that kind of got sprung on us last week. For the last few months, we have had a disinformation czar and a unit within the Homeland Security Department … Then, we find out who is in charge of it, and this woman that’s in charge of it, Nina Jankowicz, who’s about eight-and-a-half-months pregnant. “I’m not sure how you get a job and then you just—you can’t do a job for three months. I’m not faulting her, but I don’t know why you would give someone a job that you think is so important.”

And here’s Brian Kilmeade proving he knows nothing about women because he has one foot in his mouth and his entire head shoved up his ass.

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Susan Collins, GOP Senator from Maine, reacting to the Supreme Court leaked draft document:

“If this leaked draft opinion is the final decision and this reporting is accurate, it would be completely inconsistent with what Justice Gorsuch and Justice Kavanaugh said in their hearings and in our meetings in my office. Obviously, we won’t know each Justice’s decision and reasoning until the Supreme Court officially announces its opinion in this case.”

Hey Coathanger Sue? I knew Gorsuch and Kavanaugh would vote to overturn Roe v Wade, but you don’t want to upset the apple cart so you bought what they said, like you bought everything the GOP and Thing 45 have told you for four years.

Collins has already said she’d be a ‘No’ vote if Congress tried to pass a Pro-Choice bill, so Susan Collins needs to have her flip-flopping, ass-kissing, uniformed ass removed from public office.

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Cassie Smedile, executive director of America Rising pro-[Thing 45] PAC, blatantly lying, and stupidly so, about Democrats and abortion:

“We’re not talking about 40 years ago. Today’s Democrats are advocating for the right to have an abortion beyond the birth of the child. And most Americans would say, ‘That’s not something that sits well with me.’ And, so for Democrats to go out on the campaign trail if they want to put all their eggs in this basket and have the conversation about a much more aggressive—much more aggressive conversation about this issue, I think that will be at their own political peril. It’s so far out of step with what most Americans feel on this sensitive issue.”

Cassie? Honey? How does someone about a child that has been born? I know you’re a moron but try to make it make sense.

Failing that, perhaps you should listen to the polls, because nearly every single one says 70% of Americans support a woman’s right to choose.

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Whoopi Goldberg, on the end of Roe v Wade means to her:

“You got people telling me I gotta wear a mask, or don’t wear a mask, or do this. Everybody wants to tell me what to do! This is my body! My doctor, and myself, and my child—that’s who makes the decision [about abortion]. Women, when they decide something is not right for them, they’re going to take it into their own hands [because] we got tired of tripping over [other] women in public bathrooms who were giving themselves abortions because there was nowhere safe, nowhere clean, nowhere to go. It is a hard, awful decision that people make [and] if you don’t have the wherewithal to understand that, to start the conversation with, ‘I know how hard this must be for you,’ if you’re starting it by telling me I’m going to burn in hell, then you’re not looking out for me as a human being, whether I subscribe to your religion or not, and that is not OK. It has nothing to do about your religion. This is not a religious issue, this is a human issue.”

Word. And Whoopi knows whereof she speaks because she has been quite candid of her own illegal abortion she had as a teenager.

Remember, ending Roe v Wade won’t end abortion, it will end safe abortion.

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I Didn't Say It

MJ Rodriguez, reacting to her Golden Globe win as Best Actress  for her role as Blanca Rodriguez-Evangelista  in Pose and being the first Black transgender woman in history to win that award:

“OMG OMGGG!!!! Wow! You talking about sickening birthday present! Thank you! This is the door that is going to Open the door for many younger talented individuals. They will see that it is more than possible. They will see that a young Black Latina girl from Newark New Jersey who had a dream, to change the minds others would WITH LOVE. LOVE WINS. To my young LGBTQAI babies WE ARE HERE the door is now open now reach the stars!!!!!”

Brava, MJ, brava, and well-deserved.

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Franklin Graham, faux-christian, urging people to pray for Jesus to stop the Voting Rights and Social Spending Bills

“The U.S. Senate returns to session today and Democrats have said two of their highest priorities are pushing President Biden’s climate/social spending bill and working on “voting rights” legislation. These are both extremely important issues that can greatly affect our nation. Let’s start the new year off praying for these elected leaders. Join me in praying for members of our Congress, in both political parties, that God will give them wisdom and direct the decisions they make that impact all of our lives, families, and futures.”

Pray to Jesus so people of color have a tough time voting, and low-income families are pushed even further down.

Yeah, Frank, Jesus would love that. I mean, if he existed and was a Republican.

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Brian Kilmeade, Fox, says Thing 45 needed to “learn to lose” regarding the results of the 2020 election:

“I think that in life, you have to learn to lose. And if you did, in fact, get screwed out of this election, put together an A-team list of lawyers—not the ones we witnessed—and show us the districts and show us how. Is it anti-[Thing 45] by the media to report the fact that there is no significant evidence of widespread fraud? It isn’t.”

Cue Thing 45 meltdown on Kilmeade Any second now.

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Ron Johnson, GOP Senator from Wisconsin,  on why he decided to run for Senate again despite promising to impose term limits on himself:

“There are many factors [about why I changed my mind]. It wasn’t an easy decision. But I think probably the easiest way to put it is that I love America dearly. I love the American people. I love the folks in Wisconsin and I think this country is in trouble. I think Democrats in power in Washington have put us on a very dangerous path and I think I’m in a position to help improve things. It really just boils down — it’s that simple. We need to restore confidence in so many institutions within — throughout America, whether it’s in governmental agencies, whether it’s in media, in big tech. People have lost confidence. And the only way I can see restoring confidence is we need to ask a lot of questions, we need to get some answers, we need accountability. We need the truth and unfortunately the truth is being censored today at an alarming, very disconcerting rate. And so, I’m just one of those truth-tellers. I ask tough questions, I try and get answers. But when I tell the truth, the truths that the media elite, the governing elite don’t want to hear, I get censored, I get attacked, I get vilified but it doesn’t deter me. And I think we need people who are willing to seek the truth.”

In short, Ron Johnson knows he could never get as cushy a job as one where he does very little actual work and thinks he can fool the people of Wisconsin into keeping him in the Senate.

Do your job, Wisconsin, and send crazy home.

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Lucas Bravo, Emily in Paris, actor, complaining how hard it is to be so beautiful:

“I’m, like, this objectified overnight thing. It made me very self-aware. Because when you think about that word and the people it encapsulates, you see always a healthy, good-looking, ripped person [but] you can’t be aesthetically beautiful, and be smart or have depth. I kept getting roles like the dumb gym teacher. It’s hard to break that image. ‘I don’t want to be perfect. I’ve been working against that. In France, they don’t want good-looking. They want broken faces. I’m not complaining, of course, but it’s a reality. I think being famous is the worst thing that can happen to you. It’s just smoke. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Um, Lucas? You aren’t that hot so when you keep talking about how hot you are it looks even worse. And for the record, you are complaining.

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Adam Kinzinger , Illinois GOP Congressperson, refusing to be a lapdog to Thing 45 or the GOP:

"When I was six years old I became a Republican because I like the idea of strong national defense, you know, limited government," Kinzinger said. "I still believe in that. But what has changed is the use of conspiracy, the absolute lack of courage to call it out, the fear that permeates leaders of the Republican Party against a man that is basically insane, you know, sending out press releases from Mar-A-Lago. It's unrecognizable and it's sad because the Republican Party will exist and it's a major political party in the United States. We need conservative voices out there as well. But it is lost in a lot of people's minds any credibility and it's going to take a while to get it back. We have a truth crisis in this party and that is the first thing we have to get back to is truth. You can have different opinions but you can't have a different truth."

The Republican Party as we used to know it may be salvageable. Perhaps, one day the Thing 45ers and any sane Republicans will form a real Conservative Party and align with Democracy and work for the good of the country and not the good of a con artist for whom they’ve all bent over.

But that may be a long time …

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Tilda Swinton, gender fluid actor, on identity:

“For myself, I feel most relaxed when I think that identity is something entirely flexible, that we can choose at any moment, and that it’s nobody’s business, what we choose on any given day, but ours. It seems a bit of a waste to just put oneself in a box and cut off all one’s limbs. For me, it’s never been more interesting than to stay as flexible as possible and to just play.”

Swinton, who has 23-year-old twins Honor and Xavier with former partner John Byrne, is currently in a relationship with Sandro Kopp.

I think identity can be fluid, for those who feel that need, and isn’t so fluid for those who don’t.

Me? Gay man, through and through.

But that’s just me.

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Little Liars Everywhere ... But Here's The Truth

Well, this certainly tells a different story, doesn’t it?

Post-insurrection, Junior and Fox News, and a great many Republicans downplayed the attack on the Capitol on January 6, but newly revealed texts tell another tale altogether.

Some of Thing 45’s most rabid lapdogs, Fox News hosts Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity and Brian Kilmeade, all sent texts to the former guy’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, begging, pleading, demanding that Thing 45 condemn riot and ask the traitors to stop.

Junior, who has since acted like the riots were nothing much at all texted:

"He's got to condemn this shit ASAP. The Capitol Police tweet is not enough."

Liz Cheney, vice chair of the January 6 Committee, read Junior’s words to the world, and then followed up with others, like this from Fox News’ Laura Ingraham:

"Mark, the president needs to tell people in the Capitol to go home. This is hurting all of us. He is destroying his legacy."

Of note, is that Ingraham is only concerned about Thing 45’s legacy, not the threats of murder against Pelosi or Pence, or destruction of our Capitol building. In the months followed, Ingraham attacked the accounts of Capitol officers who risked their lives that day, describing their testimony before Congress as "theatrics" and presenting mock awards like "Best Use of Tears and Dramatic Pauses" and "Best Use of Exaggeration" after they testified about the violence at the Capitol.

But on that day she was begging for someone to stop it, and if it wasn’t a big deal, if it was nothing, why bother Eva, er, Laura?

And then we have Fox News’ Sean Hannity, a fierce supporter and unpaid advisor to Thing 45 who also texted Meadows:

"Can he make a statement, ask people to leave the Capitol?"

And yet eleven months later, interviewing Thing 45, whipping boy Hannity defended the former guy’s actions that day and attacked the January 6 committee:

"It seems to me that the committee has a pre-determined conclusion, outcome,, and that is to once again try to bludgeon you."

A month later Mark Meadows slithered over to Hannity’s show and the two men once again defended Thing 45’s actions; neither mentioned Hannity’s texts. In fact, Hannity actually said:

"This is the same [Thing 45] that said, 'Many of you will peacefully and patriotically march to the Capitol so your voices may be heard.'' 

Then why beg him to stop it, Sean? If it was all so peaceful, why?

And then we have Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade who also texted Meadows:

"Please get him on TV. [They’re] destroying everything you have accomplished."

And yet today, Fox News plays up the riot and a tourist event, a peaceful demonstration, just a few disgruntled voters exercising their Freedom of Speech. Or, just in case you’ve seen two seconds of the attack that day, then Fox News and Junior tried to tell you it was antifa or BLM dressed as MAGAts causing all the trouble.

But, again, if it was all so peaceful and lovely, then why beg the traitorous Thing 45 to make it stop?

Yesterday, the committee unanimously recommended that the House vote to hold Mark Meadows in contempt for his refusal to testify before them. The House is expected to consider the matter on Tuesday.

And Fox News has yet to respond to those texts from their “news” people.