It's Snarkurday!

Kanye West’s last New York Fashion Week show was a d-i-saster that was held on an island, started two hours late, many of the models fainted in the heat, and the clothes were hideous. Naturally, one would think that would put the kibosh on future Kanye shows but no ... Kanye is showing his fifth collection of Armageddon-wear next week and it will be a hot mess again.

See, Kanye says he booked the 5pm slot on February 15th at Pier 59 Studios except that it appears that slot was already booked by Marchesa. Huh ... Marchesa, Kanye? Marchesa, Kanye? Fabulous designs, garbage bags?

And the Council of Fashion Designers of America [CFDA] is none too happy about Kanye’s booking; Steven Kolb, CFDA CEO—and you know he’s important because that’s a lot of letters—says:

“Once again, CFDA was not approached or consulted about the possibility of Kanye West showing on the official New York Fashion Week schedule. As the scheduler of the week, the CFDA works with more than 300 brands to identify appropriate times for them to show their collections and avoid scheduling conflicts. Not going through the proper channels is disruptive to the whole week and unfair to designers who have secured spots through the formal procedure. This bad behavior is not acceptable to the CFDA and should not be tolerated by the industry. Because of this, the CFDA will not list Kanye West on the official schedule. However, the CFDA is more than willing to work with Kanye on securing an available time slot.”

This isn’t the first time Kanye called dibs on some other designer’s time slot or screwed with other designer’s show; his last disaster of a show was held on Roosevelt Island and required so much additional travel time that it conflicted with four other fashion shows.

But, maybe his time in the mental ward has softened the lunatic, because he has graciously rescheduled his show for 3pm on the 15th, but then again, since he always starts late, it will probably not begin until 5pm and set back the Marchesa show.

Why don’t people just go Nordstrom on Kanye and dump his sorry brand of unwashed Spanx-wear?

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I don’t know much about Selma Blair, other than that she played That Woman in The People v OJ Simpson last year and that she had a melt-down on a trans-Atlantic flight, too. And now she’s had another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

It seems Blair was getting gas and left without removing the gas pump from her car’s tank—a tale she recounted on Instagram because that’s what one days these days:.

“I drove away from a gas pump with the nozzle still in, and then I paid for the broken pump so that was over a 500 dollar tank of gas.”

And that huge bill left her crying at a local coffee house, making the barista and every other hipster in the room feel all kinds of uncomfortable. And then she got nailed by animal rights activists who criticized her for wearing a fur-trimmed red coat. And again she ran to Instagram to tell the world about it:

“I was chastised for wearing fur but that was weird cause it was teddy bear fur.”

So, you admit you killed a teddy bear?

And then just to make matters worse, she told the world that she “ran out of dog food. And Excedrin” and was “still crying” and begged someone to say “this will pass.”

Seriously. This warrants a social media blast? Be right back, I gotta tell the folks on Twitter I left the toilet seat up!

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So, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is coming out soon. Women in bikinis. Ooh la ... why not men in bikinis for those of us who swing the other way?

But I digress ... according to sources, Sports Illustrated is releasing its Swimsuit issue with three covers starring tennis champ Serena Williams, 63-year-old model Christie Brinkley, and, big maybe, Kate Upton. Sources—and it would be Lohan if anyone anywhere had ever asked to see her in a swimsuit with her beer belly—say that an appearance by Upton is up in the air because of her diva demands:

“There was drama. Kate demanded that if she did the shoot, that she absolutely must get the cover. She also had a list of photographers and hair and makeup people she would only work with. She was being a big f - - king diva. She’s thinks she’s better than everyone because she’s an actress.”

Um, Kate, do you know that you’d never have been in the critically panned The Other Woman if you hadn’t been on the cover of SI a few years back?> Yeah. Without them, you’d still be asking if I wanted fries with my order, so maybe you ought to calm down the diva.

I mean, you are no Mariah Carey, gurl.

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Speaking of giant egos, back in 2015, when Kylie Jenner was first beginning to step out from behind big sister Kim’s ginormous ass, she actually filed an application to trademark the name “Kylie.”

Yup; one problem was that there was already another famous Kylie—and I don’t mean my neighbor’s LabraDoodle: Kylie Minogue.

So, last year the Original Kylie got her attorneys on the case and asked them to stop Second-Rate Kylie’s attempt to trademark the name because she already has a trademark on the name. And now the US Patent and Trademark Office has agreed, saying there is only one Kylie and that’s Minogue.

Sadly, Second-Rate Kylie—and why not trademark that—has already filed an appeal on the decision because That Woman has programmed that entire family of media whores on the ways to turn everything, from your name, to your ass, to your beer gut, into coins and dammit Second-Rate Kylie needs the money because she ain’t got nothing else going for her.

No robberies to publicize. No divorces and cheating alcoholic husbands to sell. No lunatics to earn some coins. What else is Second-Rate Kylie gonna do?

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Well, David Beckham’s emails were hacked and I was so hoping for a slew of nude selfies but, alas ... no dick pics, but evidence that he is kind of a dick.

It seems that hackers were able to get into the computer of Becks’ publicist, Simon Oliveira and then tried to blackmail Beckham by demanding a million Euros to not leak his emails. Beckham squealed out a “Noooo” and so the hackers released some info ... with emails from Beckham wondering if he’ll ever get a Knighthood from the Queen.

It seems Beckham really wants a “Sir” in front of his name and is all kinds of miffed that he hasn’t gotten it yet. In some of the emails, which detail his work for UNICEF, it appears that he only volunteers his time and a few coins, because he wants that “Sir.”

He was ALLEGEDLY up for knighthood in 2014, but the honors committee changed their mind after his name came up in a tax avoidance scheme, and in one email Beckham calls the committee “unappreciative cunts” and adds that, “unless it’s a knighthood fuck off”.

In other emails, Beckham demands that UNICEF covers his travel costs for a charity trip and seems a little non-committal about donating his own money to UNICEF. Another email seems to prove that Beckham only backed a vote against the Scottish Independence referendum because he thought it would get him that knighthood.

Of course, now his reps are saying the emails were fixed and edited to make him look bad:

“This story is based on outdated material taken out of context from hacked and doctored private emails from a third party server and gives a deliberately inaccurate picture."

Look, David, if it helps, I’ll call you Sir from now until the end of time if you just stop by Smallville once a month and let me gaze at your rock-hard ass for about two hours.

Just sayin, Sir?

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I have not been a fan of Beyoncé ever since I learned that on an old Destiny’s Child Christmas album, she gave herself credit as a songwriter on “Silent Night” because she added a line to the classic song. See, for Bey, it’s all about Bey and screw everyone else ... even dead people and their families.

Beyoncé is being sued by the sister of late bounce artist and YouTuber Messy Mya—real name Anthony Barré—for ALLEGEDLY using unauthorized pieces of his videos in her song Formation.

Messy Mya was murdered in November 2010 but before his death, he posted a video where he did what he always did: talk to and about people in his neighborhood in New Orleans saying things like, “Oooh, yes, I like that” and “What happened at the New Wil’ins” and, “Bitch I’m back, by popular demand.” And so his family was slightly unnerved to hear, at the beginning of Formation, Messy Mya say, “Oooh, yes, I like that” with other sayings, in his own voice, used at other places in the song.

Angel Barré, Messy Mya’s sister and the sole heir of his estate, tried to get in touch with Beyoncé’s people to talk about the unauthorized samples, but Beyoncé and her team refused to respond, thinking it might all go away.

Oh.Hell.No. On Monday, Angel filed a lawsuit against Beyoncé and Sony stating that Beyoncé didn’t ask for permission and didn’t give Messy Mya credit or coins. It also says that Beyoncé used the sample during live performances of Formation. The lawsuit also ALLEGES  that leaving Beyoncé’s use of her brother’s work unchallenged would create the impression that Messy Mya’s estate consented to THE “defendants’ use of his voice, which has impaired Mr. Barré’s reputation and credibility as an independent artist who worked alone and did not endorse popular singers.”

Angel wants $20 million in damages, plus royalties and her brother to get credit on the song.

Beyoncé wrote Silent Night y’all and now she’s stealing from dead people.

Seriously. I hope Angel gets a million bucks for every word Beyoncé stole from Messy Mya.

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Gosh, Tom Hiddleston used to be so cute until he began dating-banging Taylor Swift and until he accepted an award by saying something about how poor people in Africa love him, and now he’s still talking.

He really should shut up and go back to being cute because I am thisclose to being over him ... or under him. Okay, maybe I’m not through with him yet ... anyway ... remember when Hiddleston wore that ridiculous “I ♥ T.S.” tank top out in public? Well, just recently he was asked by GQ’s Taffy Brodesser-Akner about that most embarrassing clothing item and, well, he just dig himself in deeper and deeper:

“Taylor is an amazing woman. She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time.”

But Taffy was all, “That’s not what I asked, I asked about that tank top”:

“The truth is, it was the Fourth of July and a public holiday and we were playing a game and I slipped and hurt my back. And I wanted to protect the graze from the sun and said, ’Does anyone have a T-shirt?’ And one of her friends said, ’I’ve got this.’ ”

And out came the “I ♥ T.S.” tank top that all of Swifty’s friends are paid to wear unless they wish to be booted from the Squad and so Tom put it on.

Like I said, I really am over him. So much so that I don’t really want to be under him any longer.

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Drake and JLo ran hothothot and then ran notnotnot. 

I mean, at first they played it off that they were just working together on her album and having fun, but then JLo changed her New Year’s Eve plans to be time with him ... they followed each other on Instagram—nothing says I love you more than that—and he spent time with her kids. Then it was over and we all thought it was about his dinner with the porn star but ... maybe not.

See, Drake and JLo cooled right about the same time that Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill cooled and so, did Drake drop JLo’s ass to take another stab at Nicki’s bodacious butt? So far, no one is saying that, and the reps are all, “JLo and Drake are taking a breather,” but then JLo, as we saw with Selma Blair, took to Instagram to, maybe maybe not, spill the beans by saying:

“Timing is everything. If it’s meant to happen, it will, and for the right reasons.”

And if Nicki allows it to happen, I’m guessing.

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It's Snarkurday!

From my old hometown comes a Kanye Tale ... it seems Kanye West’s ‘Saint Pablo’ tour took him to Sacramento, where he performed just three songs before ranting about Jay-Z and Beyoncé and then quitting the show:

“Beyoncé, I was hurt! ‘Cause I heard that you said you wouldn’t perform unless you won Video of the Year over me, and over ‘Hotline Bling.’ In my opinion—now, don’t go tryin’ to diss Beyoncé, she is great. Taylor Swift is great. We are all great people, we are all equal. But sometimes, we be playin’ the politics too much and forgettin’ who we are—just to win. Fuck winning! Fuck lookin’ cool! I’ve been sent here to give y’all my truth—even at the risk of my own life, even at the risk of my own success, my own career. I’ve been sent here to give y’all the truth. Jay Z, call me, bruh! You still ain’t call me! Jay Z, call me! Jay Z, I know you got killers, please don’t send them at my head. Just call me! Talk to me like a man!”

Okay, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense but then not much Kanye says does so I’ll break it down for you ... he’s gotten his panties in a twist because he believes Beyoncé only agreed to perform at the VMAs this year because MTV promised her that she would win Video of the Year.

Huh, wasn’t it just a few years ago that he took to the stage at the VMAs to say Bey was the greatest?

I guess Kanye fell off his meds and the stage in Sacramento. But the best part is the video of his stunned fans in the audience after he walked off, chanting in unison,

“Fuck you Kanye!”

Now, if they’d just stop buying his music maybe he’d go away.

Well, JLo dumped Casper Smart recently and so she’s been alone about twelve seconds ... time to get a new man? Or maybe an old man?

Just as news broke that JLo’s ex-husband, Marc Anthony, had split from his third wife Shannon De Lima—JLo was Number Two—Lopez and Anthony appeared at the Latin Grammy Awards and shared a kiss onstage.

And now, of course, rumors are running that JLo was responsible for the breakup. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t, but she sure did take a run at his lips the moment she heard he might be single.

Could there be a fourth marriage for Anthony and a fourth for Lopez as well? Who cares ... if it happens it’ll last about two years because that’s the going rate for a Lopez-Anthony marriage.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna finally had their reality show baby, one Dream Kardashian. Dream? From a nightmare of a couple who can’t seem to stay together longer than it takes to get a girl pregnant?

Okurrr. Well, apparently there was no drama during the birth and media outlets are saying Rob and Chyna are getting along now, for about five minutes, but that won’t last long if That Woman has anything to say about it.

Apparently Granny That Woman got her Depends in a snit because the baby was named ‘Dream’ and not some ‘K’ name as they are ALLEGEDLY contract-bound to do.

“[That Woman] was there and told both Rob and Chyna that the baby’s name needed to start with a K. She said it was all about branding. But they didn’t listen. [That Woman] was yelling, ‘We all agreed as a family it was a K name! I’m so done, I can’t believe you reneged on this,’ and stormed out screaming.”

Kream Kardastrophe? Well, there is a certain ring to it.

I don’t think all supermodels are dumb, but there is a certain stereotype that most of them are a little low on the IQ point scale. Take for example Kate Upton ... Kate’s fiancé, Justin Verlander plays for the Detroit Tigers and he seemed a shoe-in for the American League Cy Young Award. He didn’t win, but being a gentleman and a human being accepted the loss via Twitter rather graciously:

“Just want to say thank you to all the @officialBBWAA who voted for me.”

But Upton was furious and took to Twitter—because that’s where you go when you’re a pissy little supermodel or a President-elect—to vent:

“Hey @MLB I thought I was the only person allowed to fuck @JustinVerlander ?! What 2 writers didn't have him on their ballot?”

And she wasn’t done ...

“He had the majority of 1st place votes and 2 writers didn't have him on their ballots?!! can you pick more out of touch people to vote?@MLB”

And then she dished up a conspiracy theory:

“@MLB how many 2nd place votes? huh? he lost to Justin in 1st place votes. If Tampa bay writers weren't paid off...”

Unfortunately no one, including Justin, could pry Kate’s hands from her phone and keep her from acting like a petulant child who didn’t get what she wanted ... an award for her boyfriend. Seriously ... model’s and Republican presidents, shouldn’t be allowed to Tweet.

So Mimi and her ex-fiancé James Packer are spending more time fighting about their breakup than they actually spent together as a couple, or at least it seems like that.

In fact, Mariah, whose song “All I Want For Christmas” is a big hit at the holidays now feels that  Packer is trying to ruin Christmas for her with this breakup and so she is demanding ... demanding ...  the pay-out from their pre-nup—set to be about $50 million—even though the two never made it down the aisle. She never even got to put on the dress, though maybe that was because she ordered a size 2??!!??

A source—and you know it Mariah phoning the tabloids from the inside of a bottle of champagne—says:

“[Packer] is causing Mariah severe emotional distress especially at such an important time of her life. He knows she is the queen of the holiday season and she knows he’s trying to ruin it for her.”

Mimi is the queen of the holiday season? Now that’s funny stuff!

Anyway, Mimi and Jimmy are said to be fighting over her sure-to-be-craptastic E! reality show, which chronicles the run-up to the wedding that wasn’t and now James wants all footage of him removed from the show. He also wants his ring back, but, hey, it’s rumored to be worth ten million so Mariah won’t be FedExing it back anytime soon. In fact, she’s taken to Instagramming pictures of the ring just to taunt Packer.

In addition, Mariah says she was so distraught about the breakup she had to cancel several dates on her South American tour and packer owes her for that; Packer, for his part, says the dates were cancelled for lack of interest and ticket sales and that seems more plausible.

Mariah also wants James to pay for the mansion in Calabasas they leased together, whining that he “left her with a pile of expenses. He abandoned her with a house full of staff.”

And by staff, I think we all know he means burly men who carry Mariah from room-to-room.

Poor Mimi. My.Heart.Breaks.

Well, well, well ... after his last tirade in Sacramento, and cutting the concert short after just thirty minutes, Kanye West has been hospitalized.

He was supposed to perform in LA after the Sacramento show but canceled at the last minute and then came word that Kanye was canceling the rest of the tour because he was “exhausted.”

Apparently, though, he was Lindsay Lohan Exhausted because he was taken to UCLA Medical Center for psychiatric evaluation ... in handcuffs.  According to LAPD sources, officers responded to a call for a welfare check on Kanye while he was at his trainer, Harley Pasternak’s home “acting erratically.”

How does one tell when Kanye is acting erratically?

When paramedics arrived, Kanye was calmer, but his team of handlers convinced him it was best to go; he was handcuffed to a gurney and transported to the hospital. Word now is that he claims to be overworked, not sleeping, still distraught after the Kim Kardastrophe West being robbed in Paris and, well, perhaps just crazy.

Sleep deprivation does mess with your mind, but it can also be a symptom of, say, the manic stage of a bipolar disorder. And that doesn’t seem so far-fetched, given the range of moods and emotions one sees in Kanye West at any given time; the “manic” periods when he makes almost no sense—like his rant in Sacramento—and the times when he acts angry and paranoid.

Here’s hoping he gets the help that he clearly needs ... and that part of his rehab is to never set foot on a stage again.