I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Solange Knowles, the 33-year-old sister of Beyoncé and her 56-year-old music video director, Alan Ferguson, have separated. It was confirmed on Instagram … cuz that’s how it’s done.

Who cares, right? Well, I kinda do because  she out-Goop’d Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling” in the confirmation:

“the past 2 years have brought me more physical and spiritual transition and evolution than ever before my body left me with no choice but to listen and be still within that stillness i begin my journey in confronting my worst enemy, fear. ive lived my best and worst moments in front of the lens and gaze of the world since i was a teenager. ive always tried to live in my truth no matter how ugly or full of love it is. ive also tried to carve out the space to protect my heart, and my life as it unfolds, evolves, and changes. 11 years ago i met a phenomenal man who changed every existence of my life. early this year we separated and parted ways, (and tho it ain’t nan no body business) i find it necessary to protect the sacredness of my personal truth and to live in it fully just as I have before and will continue to do. it is unfair to not have power of your own story as you shape and mold and rewrite it yourself. a n–a ain’t perfect, but im leaning into the fear of the unknown and all the glory and power i know exist within god and the universes grace. may all of your transitions no matter how big or small, be kind to you and filled with incredible love and light!”

Wow, that was a word salad of epic proportions. She beats Goop in style, but Goop scored on literacy and punctuation.

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Poor Sarah Jessica Parker. First, her plans to make some big coins doing a third Sex and the City movie that no one asked for, were scuttled, and now someone has made off with her Halloween pumpkins.

SJP had driven all the way to the Berkshires for the right pumpkins and then displayed them on the stoop of her NYC home and someone stole them. And, so she did what all self-entitled people do, she took to social media to report the crime and, well, the wrong was righted when people began leaving pumpkins outside the Parker-Broderick home in an attempt to save Halloween for a One Percenter.

Seriously. She whines, and people bought pumpkins for her. I guess perhaps she really did need those SATC coins.

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Nicki Minaj loves a feud right up until someone throws a show, but, what did she expect folks to say when she decided to marry Kenneth Petty, a convicted sex offender? Enter loudmouth, unless it comes to her own drama, Wendy Williams, who decided she just can’t get beyond that whole sex offender business and is taking Nicki’s marriage to her snark corner. But did Williams go too far when she talked about Petty being a “killer” and a “sex offender“?

Perhaps; because Nicki took to her Queen Radio show to passive aggressively fire back about Wendy’s marital and substance abuse issues without even mentioning Williams by name:

“There are people who report the news and there are people who do it with an evil intent in their heart, viciousness. And I pray for you because I know you’re hurting and I know you must be sick and humiliated … I didn’t know that in our society, you have to be plagued by your past. I didn’t know that people can’t turn over a new leaf. I didn’t know that your viciousness and evilness was this deep rooted. When a woman isn’t really being loved at home, the viciousness is a different type. So I really wanted to pray for you today, because look at where you are now in your life. Look at what age you are. You’re sat up there being vicious all this time, and paid for that man’s mistress all these years. You paid for her shopping sprees, you paid for her hotels, you probably even paid for her GYN bills, you paid to have that baby delivered, hoe… If I were you, I would go and pray, ask for forgiveness. You can report the news–people do it all the time–without the level of viciousness and trying to play dumb and doing all this nonsense … How you doin’, stupid?”

Okay, passive aggressive until that last Wendy Williams™ line. And not a single shoe was thrown.

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Katharine McPhee recently penned a sweet tribute to husband David Foster, who celebrated his 70th birthday:

“I’ve known this man for 13 years now! What was once a working relationship became a friendship and ultimately led us here. Anyone who meets him talks about how charming he is, so much so that he eventually charmed his way into my heart.”

Well, he had the time because he is literally twice her age.

And he had the experience because McPhee is the fifth Missus Foster. Don’t hold your breath for everlasting love.

Just sayin’.

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Bill Murray recently went on Amy Schumer’s podcast and he talked about his dream job: working at P.F. Chang’s.

Oh, but he did, and it’s not just any P.F. Chang’s, it’s the one inside the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport:

“I did fill out an application at P.F. Chang’s at the Atlanta airport, because I think it’s one of the best places. It looks like they are having the best time working at P.F. Chang’s.”

I can almost picture it, but then I picture the Bill Murray who ALLEGDLY threw an ashtray at his What About Bob co-star Richard Dreyfuss and wonder how Murray might react to the guest who complains about cold Won Ton Soup.

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It's Snarkurday!

Taylor Swift is all about marketing—and less about talent and being able to sing live ... did I say that?—and so, when you think of the Hottest Item of Clothing from Swifty’s life, well, you can only come up with one ...

That TiddleSwift T-shirt the once-hot, once-relevant, now almost-over Tom Hiddleston wore when he and Swifty went surf romping.

Yup ... the “I ♥ TS” tank top Hiddleston wore whilst prancing around Rhode Island with ex-girlfriend TayTay and her Girl Squad last Summer.

So, what does Swifty do with a closet full of ridiculous T’s? She has them mass-produced, wears them in a video, makes everyone wear them in a video, and then sells them to her fans for fifty bucks a pop.

You can get your hands on sizes ranging from S to XXL.

Can you see it now? A gaggle of pre-teen girls marauding through the streets of suburbia in “I ♥ TS” T’s?

Ick.

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It looks like ABC might be having second thoughts about having Swifty's frenemy Katy Perry be a judge on their too-soon-reboot of American Idol.

Especially after Katy’s DOA job of hosting the VMAs last weekend.

Note to ABC ... don’t offer a $25 million contract—yes, that’s Katy’s payload—to an unproven talent.

Howsabout a little audition time first? And then when you see that she sucks, you can just offer $25 and some free Covergirl samples and save yourselves a butt-load’o’cash.

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Beyoncé is desperate to win an Oscar and since it’s clear that she’ll never get one for acting, she’s switching gears.

Queen :::yawn::: Bey is rumored to be in talks to write and sing the theme for the next James Bond film because she just knows she can score a shiny statuette.

But I have a better idea, BeyBey ... take one of the twins and spraypaint ‘em gold and then set ‘em on the mantel at Chez Z.

I mean, that’s probably as close as you’ll ever get to a real Oscar.

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Mel B has not had the best year, what with her husband cheating on her with the nanny, and her having a threesome with her husband and the nanny; not to mention to truckload of cash she may have to pay out in alimony and that new haircut. And it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be getting any better any time soon.

See, Mel has fallen for a Beverly Hills Cop—and not Eddie Murphy ... this time—and it’s messy. The cop stayed most nights with Mel because his life was a d-i-saster, what with being divorced and all ...

What? He’s not yet divorced? Oh well, then a separation is also ... what?

Yup, not only is Mel B’s new man not divorced, he’s not separated and his wife didn’t even know he’d started a thing with a Spice Girl.

When the wife found out her husband was bumping uglies with Mel B, she started trolling her on Instagram using the hashtag ... wait for it, it’s glorious ... #OldSpice.

I’m dyin’ over here .... but then she followed that with:

“You will never replace me.”

Followed by a video she made with friends singing the Spice Girls hit “Wannabe.”

I’m sorry, but I am loving the Beverly Hills Cop’s Wife.

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Solange Knowles—and you have to say Knowles because then you might realize she Beyoncé’s younger, less talented .... is that possible ... sister—has announced that she will be giving a concert to benefit Hurricane Harvey relief efforts.

Oddly enough, though, the concert will be called “Orion’s Rise” and will take place in Boston.

A concert for Houston called Orion in Boston? Oh Solange, haven’t the people in Texas suffered enough already. Take a seat dear, I’ll call you with my coffee order.

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Justin Bieber had his balls in a twist back in May, and for once, it wasn’t because his bodyguard put his little drawers on backwards.

It seems he got injured playing soccer, and wound up in the ER at a hospital on Long Island, where a nurse named Kelly Lombardo ALLEGEDLY illegally perused his files after hearing rumors he had an STD but ... the nurse says she didn’t do it and is suing her former employer for firing her over the allegations.

This all started after Justin found out he had a testicular contortion, which usually requires surgery. Biebs hit up Northwell Health in Long Island where word spread that a wee celebrity was there having his junk examined.

And that’s when Lombardo ALLEGEDLY fingered his medical file to see if Biebs was there for STD reasons. After the bosses found out about Kelly’s snooping she was fired.

After Northwell Health’s termination came Kelly’s lawsuit in which she swears she never accessed his file, and that she heard the rumor Justin was admitted for STD treatment from other people.

Look, here’s the deal ... who cares? Bieber has a twisted nutsack or an STD. Who.Cares.

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Kendall Jenner, of that media-whoring reality show family, is set to be named Fashion Icon of the Decade by The Daily Front Row at the fifth annual Fashion Media Awards during New York Fashion Week.

Really? Kendall Jenner? Fashion? Icon? There wasn't a K-Mart mannequin available?

The woman has one expression and it’s called the “What’s happening here?’ face. And as far as fashion goes, Celine Dion would have been a better choice and we know she dresses like she milks cows at a leather bar.

And let’s not forget “The Decade” part because that means that Kendall Jenner has been a fashion ‘It’ girl since she was eleven.

Clearly every single woman on the plant, from Queen Elizabeth and her hats to Jessica Simpson and her Daisy Dukes to Heidi Klum and any red carpet outfit turned down the award first and so the list was scratched down to Kendall Jenner and she said, “Sure! What?”

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so yeah, Lindsay Lohan got a real job, but it's only for a couple of months.

She'll be playing the same role that that other brilliant actress, Madonna — remember her film career?? Neither does she — played on Broadway last century. But that doesn’t mean Lohan still isn't looking for a pay day, and this time it’s another lawsuit — like the one against the company that marketed her tights ... and I'll say nothing more about that.

Last December, Lohan's lawyer — probably Dina with her hair in a pun and some CVS reading glasses on her schnoz — threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for ALLEGEDLY basing a character on her without paying for the privilege.

Well, it took 'em six months — probably because Lindsay still had some Oprah coins in the bottom of her purse — but finally the law offices of Lohan and Lohan filed suit claiming that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total rip-off of dignified stage and screen actress Lindsay Lohan and now they want a Grand Theft Settlement.

The suit claims Lohan’s “image, voice and style” were stolen for the game, and that the lead character, "Lacey Jonas". is on the run from the Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once bailed on a hotel bill; Jonas is found hiding in alley, asking for help to elude the paparazzi, moaning about how hard it is to be famous, complaining that she doesn’t need “any more lawsuits,” talking about breaking it off with her “lame” family, calling herself anorexic, and bragging about how all of her fans could fill “the country of Africa, wherever that is.”

Lohan wants you all to know that this delusional illiterate cartoon tool is based on her! 

Dammit!

Beyoncé and Jay-Z are on their “On The Run” tour as we speak, and we've heard that tickets aren't selling quickly. So, what do they do? 

Well, if you read this blog’s Random Musings [HERE] you'd know that Beyoncé has taken to exposing her ass onstage to drum up tickets sales and when that didn’t work — because, let's face it, you could get a Beyoncé look-a-like to lap-dance you to hell and back for a lot less than a concert ticket — now comes word that, during a performance of "Resentment" Beyoncé seemed to sing-say that Jay Z cheated on her.

While belting out the track, about a woman who was cheated on, Bey sang “been riding with you for 12 years” instead of the original words “been riding with you for six years.” 

When Beyoncé first recorded that song it was in 2006, when she and Jay had been dating for four years; and that would be twelve years now.

Other original lyrics include the line, "l always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could" which is now being sung as, "I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like that wack bitch could."

Did he cheat? Is he cheating? Or, as I'm apt to think, are the Carters desperate for ticket sales to increase?

Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current country singer, Jewel has announced that she and her husband, professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are divorcing after 16 years together.

And, as celebrities are apt to do, they prefer not to call it divorce — and we can thank Smuggy Paltrow for that. No, rather than saying "we're divorcing" and not wanting to be sued by Paltrow for copyright infringement by using the term "consciously uncoupling" Jewel and Murray announced that there will be a "thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves."

Conscious uncoupling; tender undoing. You're divorcing asshats!

Y'all know Jennifer Lopez blatantly lied about her breakup with Casper Smart, right? She was playing fast-and-loose with the timeline to make it seem like she and Casper weren’t together when he was hooking up with transsexual models.

No one really cared when it happened because we all knew it was going to happen; I mean, it's JLo, who isn’t known for long-term relationships or marriages. But now comes the rumor that Jell-O was in full “meltdown mode” during the breakup.

A friend of the singer — maybe that dancing STD from TV that she's been banging for a hot minute or two — says she's "had a complete meltdown” recently, overdoing it with the champagne and losing it at home:

“She started throwing framed photos of Casper against the wall — there was broken glass everywhere, and the maid had to clean up after her. It was a crazy scene.”

Very Joan Crawford, you know; and she was a bitch, too, who couldn't keep a man for longer than a minute.

It looks like 2014's Messiest Divorce is gonna get messier.

Sherri Shepherd and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally decided to call it quits last May and Lamar began playing the gold-digger role asking for child support for the as-yet-unborn child he and Shepherd were having via a surrogate. He wanted that baby and all the child support that came with it and used it as a jump-off for stories about what a horrible mother Sherri is.

Now, though, it seems that Christian Sherri wants nothing to do with the surrogate baby, and is saying that Lamar swindled her into having a baby via-surrogate just so he could have a monthly paycheck for the next eighteen years after he dumped her. In fact, she's now claiming that this bundle of joy that she once so desperately wanted isn’t even hers, since it’s made from a donor egg and Lamar’s sperm.

So Lamar only wanted Surrogate Baby for the cash, and Christian Sherri doesn’t want Surrogate Baby at all. 

Lovely. And straight people can get married all they want and have all the kids they want because, well, straight.

I wouldn't know Azealia Banks if she brought me my breakfast at the Waffle house — which is where she might be headed given that she doesn’t seem to want to perform and no one seems to want to see her perform.

Case in point: Banks was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway recently, which could have gone badly except that no one showed up to see her in concert.

Banks didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site, so she called up the organizers at the last second and said she wasn’t coming. There was no time to make an official announcement, but thankfully this is what the site looked like during what might have been Banks' set:

No one was there. Like I said, she might have to get used to hearing people ask for more syrup for their waffles and not an encore.

Kim and Kanye spent so much on their tacky wedding — headless statues, gold toilets, engraved marble tables don’t come cheap, y’all —that this story seems quite plausible.

After the wedding, they instantly handed off baby NorthSouthEastWest to That Woman, who instantly put the child in her carry-on, K and K jetted off to Ireland for their honeymoon, where they stayed locked in a hotel room for days doing the deed; the deed being editing and Photoshopping their wedding pictures for Instagram.

And when they left Ireland they left behind a little something else: an unpaid hotel bill to the tune of $20,000. Lindsay Lohan say what?

The K’s first stayed at the Castle Oliver complex in Limerick, but instantly grew tired of the place because the castle was “too big” and their cell reception was awful. So the happy couple left for the Ballyfin House in Co Laois instead.

Yet, according to hotel insiders, the Castle Oliver had already ordered countless items —food, champagne, special flowers, candles — to satisfy the K’s over-the-top demands, and were unnerved to find the K's had disputed the deposit charged to their American Express card and had the charges reversed.

In other words: cheap.

Okay, Solange Knowles. We wouldn’t even know your name if it wasn’t for your sister … or for your on your brother-in-law at a fancy dress ball.

Bu enough with trading on ElevatorGate for some new-found fame, er infamy. Seriously, she thinks she's more famous than ever, reveling in the attention she gets on red carpets, showing up at the opening of an envelope. But that'll last about another hot minute, then she'll go back to carrying Beyoncé’s luggage and polishing Jay Z’s chains, unless ...

She keeps bringing up the beat-down without actually bringing it up. And this may explain why she’s talking —albeit briefly —about the Smackdown in a new interview for Lucky magazine where she downplays the brawl as “that thing”:

“What’s important is that my family and I are all good. What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”

Translation: Beyoncé told me to shut up or she’d stop sending me coins.

So Pam Anderson is divorcing; again. She’s divorcing Rick Salomon; again. He’s the idea who banged that Petri dish of STDs, Paris Hilton, on tape, and he’s the guy who married Shannon Doherty for about a hot minute.

Oh, and he married Pam Anderson in 2007, only to have the marriage annulled a few months later, only to marry Pam Anderson in 2013, only to divorce her in 2014.

And Pam, of course, besides being married to Salomon, twice, was also married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Straight people are so lucky to be able to glorify marriage by doing it over and over again.

So, we all know that ABC fired Sheri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy, AKA Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, from The View, right? 

I mean, Sherri was renegotiating her contract and wanted some more zeros on her check and ABC offered up a check that was all zeros and a map to the exit. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, was hired for one year and about two months in ABC and Barbara Walters said, 'WTF have we done' and told her that she’d be out on the last day of her contract.

That’s the truth; but Jenny and Sherri are spinning like dreidels to make it seem like it was their choice to leave.

This week, after coming back from vacation, Whoopi Goldberg mentioned the “giant neon pink gorilla” in the room that needed to be addressed, and then Jenny started lying. She says she enjoyed The View but is on to bigger and better things and will be announcing, uh huh, a new show she’ll be on where no one will interrupt her, and it will air opposite The View. I break it down like this: she’ll be live Tweeting during The View all next season from her bed, surrounded by empty boxes of Ho Ho’s and Ding Dong’s and old boxed sets of New Kids on the Block CDs from the late 90s.

But Sherri’s explanation for why she got the boot, er quit, was just plain hallucinogenic. She played the Bible card, y’all:

“I’m a woman of faith and seven in the Bible is the number of God’s completion. I’ve been here seven years, and my time at The View is complete.”

Bitch, please. If seven is the number of God’s completion then you knew seven years ago you’d be leaving this year so why try and renegotiate your contract? Open the Bible to the part that says STFU. And then have a seat and be quiet.

Sorry, Solange, You Ain't Miss Ross

At last week's CFDA Awards, Solange Knowles showed up looking like she was channeling Diana Ross from the 1970s.

Epic Fail; because that is Diana Ross from the 21st Century and, try as she might, Solange will never be Diana.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, the big Kardastrophe is today, and while I have some tidbits I won’t have full-snark until next week … since my invite to My Big Fat-Assed Ego Wedding got lost in the mail. So, let’s dish ….

• Kim’s half-brother Brody Jenner will not be attending the craptastic festivities because Kim and Kanye didn’t want him to bring his girlfriend of three years. Personally, I think Brody will go to Kim’s next wedding … the one she’ll have sometime in 2016.
• Kim is said to have wanted the wedding to surpass that of William and Kate and is rumored to have asked English designer Sarah Burton, creative director of the luxury fashion house Alexander McQueen, who designed Kate’s gown to design hers. Buxton, rather smartly, said No, but that she will be available to design Kim’s next wedding dress when she marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• The guests were given a private tour of Versailles yesterday where they allegedly wore French royalty attire because Kanye’s a big old queen. The future exes had wanted to hold their wedding there but the venue declined, though they did offer Kim the chance to have her next wedding there in 2016.
• After the tour, guests are assumed to be whisked away to some Italian castle-slash-prison where the actual Deal with the Devil takes place. Hopefully, Kim, who is as dumb as a box of rocks, won't have her next marriage there ... in 2016.
• Speaking of which, Kim is said to be royally pissed — the closest she’ll ever get to royalty — because the weather in France is rainy and damp. She prayed to God, er, That Woman, that her next wedding won't be in such a sopping wet locale ... in 2016.
• Perhaps Jay Z and Beyoncé will show, and perhaps they won’t because Kim also invited designer Rachel Roy, with whom Jay was ALLEGEDLY flirting the night of the Met Ball and because of whom Solange went all ghetto on his ass. I so hope Solange is coming because a Kardastrophe wedding is nothing without a bitch-fight. Sadly, though, I think Solange has only been invited to Kim’s next wedding in 2016.
• Guests at the craptastic wedding of Big Ass and Big Ego will each be given personal security and cell phone upon arrival in Paris so as not to have any leaked photos because, you know, That Woman will be trying to pimp out every snapshot she can next week. But, when Kim marries for the fourth time, to … I’m seeing a white rapping basketball player … guests will be allowed to take as many pictures as they want because we’ll be over this mess by 2016.
• Fashion journalist Andre Leon Talley has asked Valentino to host a brunch for the soon-to-be ex-couple at his elegant Château de Wideville. Talley will cover the event for Vogue.com because Anna usually only laughs in May and the timing of this sure-to-be hot mess is perfect and now Anna won't have to laugh again until Kim marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• Another rumor is that Kim has asked Lana Del Rey to sing at wedding. See, apparently Kanye wanted Del Rey to sing when he popped the question in front of TV cameras last year, but she said No, so he just played her song on a boom-box or something. Lana is also set to sing at Kim’s next wedding in 2016.

That’s all for now … stay tuned to this spot next week for all the gory, whore-y, details.

Meanwhile, back at the Jay Z-Solange Knowles catfight, the most persistent rumor as to why Solange went after Jay Z in that elevator, is because Jay Z might be getting just a little too close to designer Rachel Roy and Solange was only carrying out beat-down orders from her master, Beyoncé.

A source — and you know it’s Bey, calling herself Sasha Gossip — says, “Rachel is a little too close to Jay Z. Solange doesn’t like it, and Beyoncé doesn’t like it.”

So the rumor mill churned that Solange told Roy that “anyone who gets close to Jay has to be warned and deal with her as a sister.”

The brawl started when Jay Z said he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party — though Beyoncé and Solange were headed home to braid each other’s hair — and that Roy would also be going, and that’s what sent Solange to Beat-Down Town.

And that’s also why, when Beyoncé got off that elevator, she was smiling that smile because her plan worked and her Flying Monkey did just as she asked.

In case you think the Cannes Film Festival isn’t the crackiest place on the planet, rest assured it is because … Lindsay’s there, y’all!

Lohan has been in Cannes for days where, in between partying on yachts and being passed around like a cheap hooker at a bachelor party, she has ALLEGEDLY been “taking meetings” to “finance” her newest film.

So how does Lohan afford all this luxurious travel? No, silly, not just by being a high-class, okay, low-rent, call girl, but because she just settled her lawsuit over her failed leggings line and was awarded 150K. And that will buy enough cheap dresses, booze and crack to keep her rocking Cannes for a week or more.

Ryan Reynolds was also at Cannes with wife Blake Lively, and apparently the best part of his trip were the red carpet appearances with Lively. Because his film that debuted there, The Captive, was slammed; in fact, rumor has it that audiences actually booed the film.

Ow. He’s too hot to be booed, no?

So Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov. On-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again and now, you guessed it, off again.

It seems that last weekend Weir ALLEGEDLY attacked Victor; again!

Johnny apparently saw some pictures Victor posted of himself working out at the gym and Johnny didn’t like that The Mens were telling Vic he looked hot, so Johnny went upstairs and put on his extra sharp talons and came back downstairs and began to scratching.

Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. He only wanted to report the attack and not have Johnny arrested or forced to leave the couple’s love-hate nest but he did go straight to TV to talk about his frightening ordeal:

“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”

Man, if these two crazy kids can’t make it, again and again and again, then how the hell can anyone else expect to be happily married?

Jennifer Lopez wrote a book, y’all! Who knew she could even read?

But the best part of the book is the title, True Love. A book by a woman who dated someone named David Cruz in the early 90s, then married and divorced Ojani Noa in the late 90s, then dated Sean Puff Daddy P Diddy Puffy Combs for a hot year or two, then married and divorced Cris Judd, before moving on to Ben Affleck, who she promised to marry but didn’t because she was busy having an affair, then marrying and divorcing Marc Anthony before settling down with decades younger dancer Casper Smart.

True Love? How in the hell would she know?

Justin Bieber has ALLEGEDLY given up the Sizzurp — that codeine syrup drink that f**ks you up — because now he’s doing steroids to make his tiny frame into a massive piece of sh*t.

That’s all.

Speaking of Justin, he and Paris Hilton were in Cannes this week and the duo whom I’d prefer to call STD and Steroid Toddler were spotted out partying together during Busta Rhymes' birthday party. STD even took a squat on Steroid Toddler’s lap before heading back to his hotel for a party.

Still, rumors of a Hilton-Bieber hook-up — made me throw up a little in my mouth typing that — were shot down when the couple refused to be photographed together and because Paris left the party after a half hour since Justin only played his music.

That would most definitely empty a room.

Before heading to France and Italy, or not, for the Wedding of the Minute, Kourtney and Khloe Kardastrophe filed a battery report against the tattooed street performer because he showered them in confetti in Los Angeles in April.

I guess Kim wasn’t frontin’ the airline tickets and these two dim-bulbs needed some extra Euros for the trip.

So, earlier this month, a photo surfaced of thirteen-year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless 20-year-old actor Moises Arias.

Lotsa folks wondered if underage Willow was being left unsupervised with young men and her mom Jada called all those folks perverts when she arrived home after being gone for several days.

Then came the photos of fifteen-year-old Jaden Smith in bed with his presumed girlfriend, media whore-lite, Kylie Jenner, and, though they have said nothing, Will and Jada would most certainly call us all perverts for thinking anything bad about that coupling.

When they get back home to their children that is.

But, some folks who might not be pervs, AKA the California Department of Child and Family Services have opened an investigation into the Smith family. It’s supposedly a thorough one too.

Maybe now Will and Jada will parent their children, though I doubt it because they’re probably out of this house again by now.

To promote her latest book, some mindless garbage with the word ‘Tori’ figured into the title, Tori Spelling promised to tell the truth about just how impoverished she really is, living in squalor and all, you know.

But Mama Candy has a different take, and appeared on The Talk to dish Tori. When Julie Chen asked about Tori’s lack’o’cash, Spelling said the "rumors" are not true:

 "I'd never leave my kids in the lurch. I can't imagine any parent doing that – and I'm always there to support her. I even bought them a house in Malibu."

I guess being poor in Tori’s world means Mama has to buy your beach house.

Okay, since we started with Kim’s third, not last, wedding, let’s end with Kanye’s Ego.

If you remember, he released some Nike Air Yeezy sneakers called “Red Octobers” which sold out in a couple of minutes when they were released earlier this year. And this week, in Paris for his first, not last, wedding, he met up with a bunch of fans wanting autographs; one young man even asked Kanye to sign his Yeezy’s, which Kanye did, but not before telling him in front of everyone that his shoes were fake.

Yeah, that’s Kanye. Dissing a fan because he had on a fake pair of Kanye’s idiotically named, over priced shoes.

Get married already so I can start talking about the divorce.