Snarky Thoughts

Two weeks ago, Beyoncé announced that Renaissance, her seventh studio album, will be released on July 29, and then last week she released the first single, Break My Soul, and this week she released the cover art ... with a semi-nude Beyoncé on a giant plastic horse.

My thought: she’s a stripper now?

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Well, it looks like Poor Little Bitch Girl—not a typo—Erika Jayne won’t be able to pawn off a pair of diamond earrings that cost $750,000 to pay her rent next month. She has been ordered by a judge to hand them over because her husband Tom  Girardi bought them with stolen money that was supposed to go to victims of the Lion Air Flight 610 crash.

My thought: couldn’t happen to a nicer grifter.

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When the Friends reunion aired on HBO Max last year, we were reminded again that the show was the whitest thing seen on TV even though it was set in the most diverse city in the world. And we learned that two of the Friends‘ creators, Kevin Bright and Marta Kauffman, stand by their all-white casting choices though Marta wants y’all to know she’ll be funding future students at Brandeis University with a $4 million pledge for the African American studies department.

My thought: you’re about twenty-plus years late.

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There has been gossip that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn are  engaged and a source—you know it’s Taylor—says that when they do get hitched, it will be a very simple, elegant affair, and no pictures will be sold to Vogue or Hello! Magazine or :::gag::: People.

My thought: Taylor will release an album with a slew of sappy off-key tunes and pictures of the wedding so she can make some coins.

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Well, Miles Teller’s granny Leona “Mup” Flowers thinks there’s nothing Miles can’t do, and went on Twitter this week to ay that Miles should be the next James Bond.

My thought: Mup is due for a nap.

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I Ain'tOne To Gossip But ...

Rumor has it that Kim Kardastrophe is a billionaire, but money can’t buy you brains.

Kimmy, who has been studying to be a lawyer for some time now, has failed her baby bar exam in California and now her dreams of being a real-life lawyer might go up in flames … like her marriages.

Kim made it official on a preview of Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes, where she fessed up to flunking, but rumor has it that she failed the test months ago and saved the shame to air it on national TV.

Perhaps a little less time living your life for TV and more time actually studying, and you might pass next time.

Oh, who am I kidding …

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Another demon spawn who lives her life for social media is Kelly Osbourne—before on the left and after on the right—who took to Instagram to clap back at online haters who say she’s had plastic surgery:

“I just want to bring up a topic that you guys are all talking about, because I’m always really honest and really upfront about what I’ve done to my body, and who I am, and I have not had plastic surgery.”

Kelly, who did lose 85-pounds last year, insists  she has “never done anything to [her] face other than a couple of injections in [her] lips, in [her] jaw and in [her] forehead.”

So, every but plastic surgery.

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I guess when you really have nothing to do, you dredge up gossip about dead people? Amirite Quincy Jones?

In the first installment of The Hollywood Reporter’s Icon series of interviews, 88-year-old Jones says he refused to work with Elvis Presley because Elvis was “a racist mother…” and that he wouldn’t work with him:

“ I was writing for [orchestra leader] Tommy Dorsey, oh God, back then in the ’50s. And Elvis came in, and Tommy said, ‘I don’t want to play with him.’ He was a racist mother—I’m going to shut up now. But every time I saw Elvis, he was being coached by [“Don’t Be Cruel” songwriter] Otis Blackwell, telling him how to sing. “

Otis Blackwell told David Letterman in 1987 that he and Presley had never met. But that’s not the issue; Quincy Jones never explains why he thought Elvis was racist, just says it’s so. Now, yes, Elvis has left the building and so he cannot respond, but if you’re gonna call someone a racist you better have the tea to back it up.

Or else just sit there and be quiet.

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Is there anyone, anyone, on the planet thirstier than Jennifer Lopez?

Nope. I mean, we all know she and A-Rod broke up in January, got back together in February, split up in March, and now we find out she was with Ben Affleck in April … on the down low. Oh, not to look like she wasn't man-jumping, but because Bennifer 2.OMFG wanted to announce their reunification on Instagram before anyone knew about it because, you know, publicity.

But that plan fell apart when, just a couple of weeks after JLo called it quits with A-Rod, B-Fleck was spotted arriving at her LA home in her white Escalade where he stayed, behind closed doors, for more than a week because JLo ALLEGEDLY wanted to make the announcement that their once true love was true again on social media. But Ben ruined that by being seen behind the wheel of her car going to her house.

So plans were changed, and Bennifer 2.Oh-no-they-bettah-don’t was seen riding in a car at his place in Montana, then he was spotted on her balcony in Miami, and then, to top all that off, Ben began wearing the watch she gave him back when they were both relevant, and then packed away when they became irrelevant. Clearly, though, we are moments away from Bennifer 2.Oh-what-are-they-thinking PDA, because that’s how JLo rolls, and drags her men along with her.

True facts, though … no one knows how serious JLo and Ben are about each other, due to the fact that, as one source puts it, they’re two people who can’t ever be alone.

Sadly, the thirst is real.

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Miles Teller—whom I loathe even though I cannot think of one thing I’ve seen him and still I find him a smug prick—and his wife Keleigh Sperry went on a couple’s vacation to Hawaii with Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley. And apparently Miles was punched in the face for stiffing a wedding planner of $60,000.

First things first, it wasn’t me …I wasn’t in Hawaii recently. But Miles and Keleigh are now giving their side of the story, and they are saying the attack wasn’t at all about being cheap self-entitled pricks, but that it was just a random beat up the smug prick in the bathroom kinda thing.

You see, Mr. and Mrs. Smug Prick were having dinner at Monkeypod Kitchen in Maui when Miles went to the bathroom and while in there, he was confronted by a dude who was mad at him for skipping out on that huge wedding planner bill and so the guy punched Miles in the face. Police were called and Miles, who wasn’t injured badly, vowed to press charges, but … afterwards, Keleigh told an Instagram Story to set the record straight and to defend herself and Mr. Smug Prick against the accusations that they’re entitled pricks who don’t pay their bills by claiming that Miles was not attacked over money and that two strangers jumped him in the bathroom and it’s happened before:

“The story reported about Miles being punched in the face by @TMZ over ‘MONEY’ is completely false. Miles was jumped by 2 men we have never met after they trapped him in a bathroom. It seems these same men have done this to many people and we appreciate your support Maui.  This is now a criminal investigation.”

But … gosh, this is as many buts as there are in a Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes episode … TMZ has updated their story and according to them, this was not a case of a random punching of a smug prick in a men’s room, because, ALLEGEDLY, one of Miles’ attackers is married to the woman who helped plan Miles and Keleigh’s Maui wedding in 2019 and was stiffed out of $60,000. And Tre Lovell, the lawyer for the wedding planner and her husband, told TMZ that the bathroom fight was over money:

“It is my understanding that the altercation was a dispute over money pertaining to the couple’s wedding. We are currently evaluating my clients’ legal claims that may exist surrounding the incident, statements made about the incident and the parties previous business dealings.”

Hopefully, Miles and the wedding planner’s husband will keep the fighting all the way to Judge Judy because she loves to smack down self-entitled smug pricks who don’t pay their bills; and she does it on TV and not the bathroom.

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It's Snarkurday!

Kate del Castillo is the actress who accompanied Sean Penn to interview international drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán last year, but now Penn is trying to get Kate’s documentary about their trip—The Day I Met El Chapo: The Kate Del Castillo Story—removed from Netflix.  Why you ask? Perhaps it has something to do with del Castillo’s revelation that, right after meeting El Chapo, she and Penn banged because, you know, meeting a drug lord turns folks on:

“It was never a relationship. It was just business. And sex.”

In her documentary, del Castillo says she “fell” for Penn during their adventure, but Penn wants nothing to do with that storyline, and had one of his lawyers send a letter to Netflix saying “that blood will be on their hands if this film causes bodily harm.”

Wow. But they didn’t let the drama end there; Penn’s spokesman Mark Fabiani says:

“This is not about one person’s safety. These producers are propagating false and reckless fabrications for their profit. This is nothing but a cheap, National Enquirer-esque tale spun by a delusional person whose hunger for fame is both tawdry and transparent.”

Wait, so Sean Penn believes that people will die if this story stays out there; this story of him banging some D-list actress-documentarian? I mean, if every time Sean Penn banged an actress someone died, we’d all be dead by now. Am I right?

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Lock up your wives and daughters, sister and aunts, Harvey Weinstein is out of sex addiction rehab and he’s cured.

After one week at a posh rehab facility in Arizona for “sex addiction”—exposing himself to women, jacking off in front of women, grabbing women, climbing on women, attempting to rape women—the ladies now have nothing to worry about. After a quarter of a century of sexual harassment, of sexual assault, Harvey’s fixed himself.

Weinstein’s doctor—who may or may not be an unemployed actor looking for any kind of a break—says Harvey completed his one week of treatment for “psychological issues” and was ready to return to society fully cured.

Of course, when people began to question the validity of the One Week Cure, it was decided that Harvey will remain in Arizona for another month because “he doesn’t want excessive distractions and wants to continue working with his doctors.”

Oh, so it’s a Five Week Cure? Seriously; it’s classic white privilege because if Harvey Weinstein was a different color he’d have been in prison years ago.

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Someone check the video and get the police to confirm Taylor Swift’s alibi for where she was last Wednesday night because that was the night that, during Katy Perry’s concert in Nashville the shiz hit the fan.

It seems there was a bit of a malfunction junction at Perry’s show when, after performing “Thinking Of You,” Perry’s tie-dyed version Saturn got stuck in the air and she couldn’t get down; and Perry said:

“This is the first time I’ve been stuck in space! I know I’m kind of a space cadet, but actually, this thing is being stuck right now.”

No word yet on where Swifty was or why she was last seen carrying A Hello Kitty Tool-box.

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Oops!  Ewan McGregor has been caught kissing his “Fargo” co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, in a London restaurant, and Ewan’s wife just might not be thrilled about it. It seems the 46-year-old father of four and the 32-year-old Winstead—who played his lover on the FX series—shared a passionate kiss at the Good Life Eatery and there are pictures to prove it.

Maybe this was Ewan’s of telling his wife their marriage was over because the Good Life Eatery is London’s version of LA’s Ivy, where celebrities go to be seen; it was at the Ivy during the height of their Bennifer-ness that Affleck and JLo often visited dressed to the nines and looking all lovey-dovey.

Perhaps, though, it’s all stuff and nonsense, because McGregor and his wife of 22 years, Eve Mavrakis, apparently called it quits in May but kept the news private, though they each posted photos to social media of themselves without their wedding rings on, which, you know, is the way of saying “It’s over.”

So maybe Ewan isn’t a cheater, maybe he just got a new love first except ... it was back in May, right about the time Fargo finished shooting that McGregor and his wife split, and that was the same time that Winstead announced her split from her husband of seven years, Riley Stearns.

Just sayin’.

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Gosh, Kathy Griffin will do anything for press.

This time she announced that she is firing celebrity attorney Lisa Bloom, who represented her after she held up a fake bloody head of _____, and stood by her side as she went rogue during a press conference. And in typical Griffin fashion she went all over social media to share the news that she fired her attorney:

“Dear @LisaBloom pls stop calling me. If you’d like to refund me the tens of thousands of $$ I wasted on your services maybe I’ll talk to you.”

Griffin ALLEGEDLY paid Bloom $40,000 to represent her for two days, most notably at that June press conference, where Griffin whined that she was the victim of bullying by the _____ family over that photograph. And of course, because this is two dimwits having a spat, Bloom lashed back with her own tweet in which she said in a lengthy statement that Griffin had reached out to her before the press conference:

“Her entire team (entertainment lawyer, criminal lawyer, and several others) approved in advance the statements she and I were going to make. Yet Kathy then during the press conference spontaneously chose to put aside the notes we had worked so hard on together. She said on camera ‘my notes are by the wayside and it’s all off the cuff’ and then ad libbed. I was sorry she made that choice but I respected her right to speak as she saw fit. She was, as she says, the widely panned for her comments. Now she blamed me.”

Of course she did, because Griffin does things and then blames everyone else for the repercussions.

She really needs to sit down.

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Faye Dunaway used to be a serious actress and was most often taken seriously ... then came Mommie Dearest and she either turned into a parody of Joan Crawford diva-ness, or else the diva-ness was already there and was only exacerbated by playing Christina’s axe-wielding mother. And now the weave workers at the Marie Robinson Salon in NYC have their own tale to tell.

Apparently Miss Dunaway believes she was overcharged for services rendered and went all wire-hanger on the salon when they presented her with a $3,000 bill and expected her, Miss Faye Dunaway, to pay full price!

“She claimed she didn’t know it was that expensive and then said, ‘I’m not paying that. I can’t believe how expensive this is. I’m only paying half!’… they took her half, but staff explained, ‘You’re going to have to pay the rest.’ And Faye stormed out screeching, ‘This is ridiculous!’ Everyone in the salon was aghast … Her hair looked great — so she should pay!”

Um, Faye, honey? Maybe when they began adding a full head of hair onto your head you might have pointed out you just wanted a retouch?

Dunaway is now doing damage control herself, telling Page Six:

“I’d prefer you not run [the story]. I’ve now paid the whole thing — but I will not be going back there because it is not the price they said it would be. So, I don’t know what to say to you except I didn’t throw a fit. I was just very alarmed at the amount they were charging me for the very small amount of hair work that they did.”

The salon said nothing; they just cashed the check before the stop payment went through.

Poor Faye; the two biggest highlights of her career are playing Joan Crawford so well that she started to think and act like her, and for blurting out the wrong Best Picture winner at this year’s Oscars.

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Last year Miles Teller did and interview with   Esquire in which the magazine called him “dickish.” And so he became the new Dickish Actor and is now telling us that it’s bothered him the whole time because ... oh, let’s have him tell it:

“I can’t put much weight into whether the public likes me because the more important thing is that, as an actor, I can truly say that there’s not a single director or actor who I’ve worked with who’d have a bad thing to say about me. I’ve never missed a day of work. I’ve never not known a line. ... I know the kind of brother I am. I know the kind of son I am. I’ve had the same friends since I was 14, 15. I’ve been with the same girl for four-and-a-half years. I have a dog. I know who I am, and it’s not who I was in that story.”

Wait, so he shows up to work on time, has a girlfriend and a dog and that makes him less dickish?

Try again, Miles.

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Oops, sexual harassment isn’t just a Hollywood problem; it’s everywhere, including the kitchen ...

New Orleans star chef John Besh is stepping down from his company, Besh Restaurant Group [BRG], after he and several of his colleagues were accused of sexual harassment. In a letter to restaurant staff, BRG announced that Besh was stepping down “from all aspects of operations . . . to provide his full focus on this family.”

Meaning he’s got some ‘splaining to do.

A lot, because there are some twenty-five woman who say that “several male co-workers and bosses [at BRG] touched female employees without consent, made suggestive comments about their appearance and—in a few cases—tried to leverage positions of authority for sex.”

One former employee claims she was pressured into a sexual relationship with Besh, though the married father says the affair was consensual ... which makes it okay ... ?

Seriously, men need to stop this shiz, and women need to speak up more.

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Eight years ago, The Weinstein Company announced they were working on a feature film about Judy Garland, based on the book Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland, and was supposed to star ... gulp ... Anne Hathaway.

Eight years later that project went nowhere until recently when it was announced that a different Judy Garland biopic will be made and will star ... double gulp ... Renee Zellweger. The movie will be called Judy and will focus on Judy Garland’s final sold-out concerts at The Talk of the Town in London in the late ’60s shortly before her death.

Seriously? Renee will be Judy? I mean, I know they don’t want an impersonator but that up there—before and after plastic surgery—is supposed to be Judy Mother-Effing Garland?

Even with her new face she ain’t no Judy. Zellweger ruins everything.

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It's Snarkurday!

A few weeks back, I posted about Mariah Carey’s diva behavior during her cameo role in the new Will Ferrell-Amy Poehler film The House, and now Cedric Yarbrough is spilling the tea about Carey:

“Yeah, a real funny cameo was SUPPOSED to happen in the new film #TheHouse with the superstar Mariah Carey. But it was ruined by superstar Mariah Carey. The film takes place in a suburban home but is made into a ‘Casino’. Why not have Mariah be an act in the casino? Funny idea. It’s rumored that she eventually showed up to set [four hours late]. ... While we waited the director & team had the idea of doing a stunt that Mariah’s body double would do now & bring in Mariah to match it. They do the stunt. All goes well. When Mariah finally showed up she refused to match the stunt. ‘Darling, I would never do it that way…’. I heard her say those exact words. She then requested a large fan for her hair to be blown around and a camera that would be above her, basically a crane shot. This lady was unprofessional & borderline abusive to our director, who tried his best to appease her every wish. ... This kind of behavior just isn’t cool. For you young actors, be on time, know your homework, but be courteous and respectful. ... I miss ‘Vision of Love’ Mariah. Be a damn professional.”

Luckily, I’m guessing, Mariah’s cameo has been cut from the film.

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Courteney Cox was so into cosmetic surgery and “treatments” that for quite a few years she’s looked like Cher doing an impression of Jack Nicholson as The Joker.

Now, in New Beauty magazine Cox says she regrets turning her face into a swamp for fillers and Botox. She says she has taken her face back to natural and so she looks much more like Courteney Cox ... circa 1984.

Just sayin’.

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Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe wanted to be famous so they made a baby and turned their love mess into a reality show. But that got old; so they Reality-Show-Broke-Up and that became the show. Then that fizzled so their turned it into a Reality-Show-Custody-Battle over their 7-month-old daughter Kream Dream. That fizzled, too, so now they’re, ahem :::cough, cough::: Reality-Show-Back-Together and they let everyone ... the media ... know by filming a staged family date, on Father’s Day no less, at Disneyland.

How a Kardastrophe doesn’t spontaneously combust at Disneyland should be a show.

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Cameron Douglas, Michael Douglas’s son with ex-wife, Diandra, is a mess.

He spent time in federal prison for trafficking meth, and then stayed for a longer time in the Big House because he continually tested positive for drugs while in jail. And he was also jailed for trying to sell meth to an undercover agent.

Yeah, a mess. So I guess it’s no surprise to hear that Cameron failed another drug test while on probation—after he was caught trying to cheat on it. According to court documents Cameron had marijuana in his system during a random drug screening in April and at a May probation hearing, officers told the judge that a lab tech accused Cameron of “attempting to manipulate the results” of his drug test by submitting “something that was not his urine.”

Three tests were given and the third came back positive for marijuana.

But, here’s the rich white son of an actor privilege, probation officers asked the judge to be lenient toward Cameron because “relapse is part of the recovery process.”

Um, let’s see; sells meth, goes to jail; in jail he tests positive for drugs; out of jail he tries to sell meth to a cop; back in jail he’s still doing drugs; released from jail, he tests positive again.

Think about Cameron Douglas being a young Black man from somewhere, whose parents aren’t rich and famous. Would he get as many chances or would he be serving life by now.

Uh huh.

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Remember Hanson? Me neither. But I read this week that they were little pop stars a few years back and then kinda vanished because, well, Hanson.

Now, they’ve resurfaced and are coming for Justin Bieber.

Hanson, who are touring—apparently performing in Cracker Barrels around the US of A—recently went Down Under to appear in the Aussie version of a Cracker Barrel—the ‘Roo Shack? I dunno—and took part in a radio show game of Whose Song Is It Anyway? And when the Despacito remix—with Bieber singing[?] on it—was played, Hanson had no idea who it was and when they were told it was Bieber, Little Zac Hanson said:

“I prefer not to get any venereal diseases, so whenever Justin Bieber gets sort of near me or near my ears… it’s just ear infections, they’re terrible.”

His brother Isaac then chimed in:

“Chlamydia of the ear, it sucks.”

Well, not really, because one gets Chlamydia from sex, which is fun ... until you learn you have Chlamydia ... and listening to Bieber is anything but fun.

Get it straight, Hanson.

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Miles Teller is an actor who was in ... oh, I don’t really care ... but I do know he was arrested last weekend after literally falling down drunk and refusing to cooperate with police.

Law enforcement sources say Teller was partying with friends in San Diego when an officer noticed he was having trouble standing; the officer walked up to Teller and started questioning him, but he quickly became uncooperative.

Then Teller lost his balance and nearly fell into the street so the officer cuffed him, and was going to take him to a detox center—where police take someone who is drunk so they can sleep it off—but Teller refused to go. At that point Teller could have been arrested, but ... white actor privilege ... police still took him to the detox center, where he was still uncooperative and the staff kicked him out.

So, Miles Teller was arrested for being drunk in public and spent Lindsay Lohan Time—about four hours—in jail but he decided to spin it like this ... via Twitter, of course:

“Went down to SD to see my buddy before he deployed. I wasn't arrested I was detained bc there was no evidence to charge me with a crime.”

Um, you were arrested, honey; perhaps you were too drunk to remember.

“Don't believe everything you read, especially from a third party entertainment news source trying to get clicks. Appreciate the concern.”

No concern. You’re just an entitled little drunk-ass actor who was in that movie ... oh, who cares.

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A few weeks back word broke that a movie about Madonna’s life would be made and she went Madonna-shit all over Instagram about how dare people think they can tell her story.

And then, as if by magic, Madonna has decided to make her own film about her life and posted a make-up free selfie—because she’s a hardworking single mom, you know—on social media to reveal the news:

“A Woman’s work is never done!! 6 kids and many jobs = ratchet hair … Prepping my film not just whistling dixie!”

Seriously? Is anyone putting money into this sure-to-be mess? Madonna cannot act ... was anyone not listening to Patti LuPone ... and the only way I’d see this craptastic movie would be if Patti F**king LuPone plays the Material Girl.

I mean, since Madge ruined Evita for years to come, Patti can destroy Madonna ... and do so singing brilliantly.

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So the new movie, All Eyez on Me, about Tupac Shakur, is not getting great buzz, and is especially getting reviled by one Jada Pinkett Smith. While she thinks the actors—Kat Graham plays young Jada and Demetrius Shipp Jr. is Tupac—were fine, she was all over social media with her complaints about the rest of the film:

“Forgive me… my relationship to Pac is too precious to me for the scenes in All Eyez On Me to stand as truth.”

She’s furious that a scene depicts Tupac reading her a poem:

“Pac never read me that poem. I didn't know that poem existed until it was printed in his book.”

Oh, how horrible that they did that Jada! Though I imagine it’s called creative license?

“Pac never said goodbye to me before leaving for LA. He had to leave abruptly and it wasn't to pursue his career.”

Again, this is awful? This is bad filmmaking? Sit down.

“I've never been to any of Pac's shows by his request. We never had an argument backstage. ... The reimagining of my relationship to Pac has been deeply hurtful.”

But that’s what most biopics are, Jada ... reimaginings. Seriously, find me one film about a real person that doesn’t change a few details and switch things around for dramatic effect.

Crickets

I think Jada’s just mad that she and Will didn’t get to play the leads. So, again, Jada, sit down.

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And ... back to Madge, who used social media, once again, to prove what a bitch she is, once again.

Taking to Instagram last Sunday, she posted a photo of her family with “Happy Mother’s Day” written across the top, in addition to a caption that made clear she knew exactly what day it was:

“And Happy Father’s Day to Me too because lets face it …………,,..,,,,,… Im the Mommy and the Daddy. I don’t care what the papers say.”

Lovely mother, you know, because her children, who have fathers, will see that bitchiness, but what does she care; it’s all about her.

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Just days after a mistrial was declared in his sexual assault trial, Bill Cosby is said to be planning a motivational speaking tour ...

About what? How to drug and rape sixty women and not get arrested?

Oh, no, it’s not that at all. It’s about warning young athletes and even “married men” about the dangers of sex crime allegations.

Like I was saying ...

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This hurts ... seriously. My favorite actor, three-time Oscar winner, Daniel Day-Lewis is retiring from acting.

It hurts. I have been a fan of DDL’s from the very beginning and am always amazed by his portrayals—from a young bleached blonde gay punk to freaking Abe Lincoln, and everything in between.

My Beautiful Laundrette. My Left Foot. In The Name Of The Father. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Sunday, Bloody Sunday. A Room With A View. Gangs of New York. Nine. The Last of the Mohicans. There Will Be Blood. The Age of Innocence.

DDL has one last film set for release this fall: an untitled drama set in the world of high fashion directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Day-Lewis did not give a reason for his retirement but his spokeswoman, Leslee Dart said:

“Daniel Day-Lewis will no longer be working as an actor. He is immensely grateful to all of his collaborators and audiences over the many years. This is a private decision and neither he nor his representatives will make any further comment on this subject. ”

Day-Lewis is the only performer to ever win three best actor Oscars.

I’ll miss his films because all of them are brilliant.

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