Ain't That America XVI

Another week down, another crazy week down, and we're still battling liars and thugs and grifters, oh my. Comics are being pulled off TV, reporters are being told not to ask tough questions, and Cankles is so butt hurt he wants you jailed if you're mean to him. But even in that darkness is some light so let's dig in ...

On Sunday Cankles tried to justify the fatal US strike on a Venezuelan boat by claiming that 300 million people, presumably Americans, died from drugs last year.

He was off by almost 300 million and, yes, he’s that stupid..

The Fascist Regime ordered the removal of signs and exhibits related to slavery at multiple national parks including a historic photograph of a formerly enslaved man showing scars on his back, a move that was in line with his March executive order directing the Interior Department to eliminate information that reflects a “corrosive ideology” that disparages historic Americans.

He means disparages white Americans cuz he’s a racist.

On Fox News, making the announcement of the arrest of Charlie Kirk’s killer, President Cankles was asked how we fix the country and come back together and he replied:

“I couldn’t care less.”

When he tells you who he is, believe him.

Erik Siebert, the US attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, investigating New York Attorney General, Letitia James and the former FBI director James Comey resigned hours after Cankles called for his ouster. Siebert found insufficient evidence to bring charges against James or Comey.

Of note, Cankles claims he wanted Siebert removed because Mark Warner and Tim Kaine, the Democratic senators from Virginia, had approved of his nomination even though it was Cankles himself who nominated Siebert after Kaine and Warner wrote to him praising Siebert.

Within the past few days, after Charlie Kirk was killed, the Department of Justice deleted one of its own studies from its website showing that “far-right extremists have committed far more ideologically motivated homicides than far-left or radical Islamist extremists.”

They’re covering up the truth to make their case that it’s liberals and transgender people doing the shooting when their own study says otherwise.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics postponed the release of a key annual report central to future inflation data but did not explain the reasoning for the delay or when it might ultimately be released.

So I’ll tell you: the news is bad because that’s the only reason Cankles would hide. He’s fucking the economy like it was a porn star who loved orange mushroom dick.

Last week Cankles rolled out a version of his regime’s long-promised gold card, a $1 million fast-track for wealthy foreigners to live and work in the United States.

Yes, pay a million and the doors fly open but where does the money go? Cankles suggested it could be used to lower taxes and pay down the federal debt.

Could be … which means it will disappear into his wallet.

The Fascists unveiled a new crackdown on journalists at the Pentagon, saying it will require them to pledge they won’t gather any information—even unclassified—that hasn’t been expressly authorized for release, and will revoke the press credentials of those who do not obey.

You report what they say and only what they say or you’re out. Anyone here who did Nazi that coming?

Millions of dollars in federal funding for New York City’s magnet schools are in jeopardy after the White House told the nation’s largest school district that it must re-evaluate its policies regarding transgender students—including ones that allow students access to sports and bathrooms matching their identities.

With all that’s going on in this country … Medicaid losses, SNAP benefits halted, the economy tanking, drunks at DOD and in DC law offices, American citizens being rounded up on the streets, National Guard doing cleanup of garbage in major cities, and this Regime focuses on trans people because the Cult is a’scurred of them.

Cankles says he’s a “very strong person for free speech. But 97, 94, 95, 96% [clearly counting in hard] of the people are against me” and that it should be illegal to speak ill of the braindead.

Cankles, the racist, rapist, pedophile, sexual predator, fascist, lying, cheating, stealing, grifting, adulterous, traitor con artist is butt-hurt and says it should be illegal to speak ill of him, so .... speak up y’all!

The EPA has ordered scientists in at least one of its research offices to immediately pause almost all efforts to publish research. The researchers were told that unless scientific journals had already returned proofs—the final step in the academic publication process—the studies would be subject to a new review process.

Cuz science is bad.

Contribute money to the new White House ballroom Cankles is building and, in exchange, donors may be able to choose to have their names etched inside the White House forever.

Wait, didn’t the racist, rapist, pedophile, sexual predator, fascist, lying, cheating, stealing, grifting, adulterous, traitor con artist say he was paying for the ballroom? Is he lying? Still?

ABC suspension of Jimmy Kimmel for pissing off a demented old man in a soiled diaper triggered so many people to cancel their Disney+ and Hulu accounts that the page to cancel those subscriptions crashed.

The power of the dollar at work; the Resistance at work.

A copyright infringement lawsuit former Congressman, and the GOP's Favorite Drag Queen, George Santos filed against talk show host Jimmy Kimmel and ABC was properly dismissed when the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan rejected the lawsuit.

But that’s not the good news, no, it was the headline of the article which read:

Jailed Ex-Drag Queen Loses Appeal Against Kimmel

Oh, snap.

A US judge has struck down Cankle’s $15B lawsuit against the New York Times and some of its individual journalists, though Cankles could appeal.

Cankles launched the  lawsuit last week accusing the NYT of being a “mouthpiece” for the Democratic party and of “spreading false and defamatory content” about him.

Meaning the NYT printed the truth and Cankles can’t handle it.

California Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom has raised roughly $70 million in less than two months for the ballot measure to redraw the state’s congressional lines, with the family of the prominent Democratic financier George Soros recently kicking in $10 million.

Soros? Oh this will send Cankles to the White House pantry looking for the industrial sized bottle of ketchup.

Four people have been arrested after pictures of President Cankles and BFF, and convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, were projected onto Windsor Castle while he visited England last week.

Better still, the citizens of Brighton joined a global anti-Felon protest with a song for the visitor. The crowd arranged a version of the quintessentially English song, "Hey! Baby," a melody that has become a popular football chant but with different lyrics:

♫ ♪ Heyyyyyyyy Donald _____. Boo. Yah. I wanna know why you're such a cunt! ♪♫

Brighton is quite creative.

Democratic candidate Xp Lee prevailed in a pivotal special election to fill the seat opened by the killing of House leader Melissa Hortman and will return the House to a 67-67 tie between the parties.

Hopefully, other Democrats will win and Minnesota’s House will turn Blue.

US District Judge William Alsup of San Francisco said the Regime’s central human resources office acted illegally when it directed the mass firings of probationary workers as part of Cankles efforts to downsize the federal workforce,.

In awarding judgment to a coalition of labor unions and nonprofits Judge Alsup said the Cankles regime “unlawfully exceeded its own powers and usurped and exercised powers reserved by Congress to each individual” federal agency to hire and fire its own workers.

So he broke the law and lied. Got it.

The National Guard compiled data regarding troop morale after being used as Cankle’s own personal Gestapo and the data shows that troops felt an overwhelming amount of shame.

The bigger problem is that the report wasn’t sent to the Pentagon where it was supposed to be sent but that the National Guard “accidentally” sent it to the Washington Post..

The Regime tried to downplay the data saying that it wasn’t a big deal that it was sent to a newspaper but you know Cankles is crapping his Pampers hourly.

King Charles is apparently very fussy about his bed linen—only the finest Egyptian cotton—but that’s not enough for Cankles who had his aides inspect his suite in Windsor Castle before his arrival and provide housekeepers with bedding.

Is it that he didn’t want to leave a nasty orange stain on the pillowcases from the spray paint he uses on his face, or is it because he craps the bed so often that he needed extra bedding and a plastic liner to ease the cleaning?

Oh, and Melanie wouldn’t help with the mess as she had a separate suite … The Slovenian Hooker Suite in the stables.

Dutch comedian, Arjen Lubach, poked fun at Disney on his talk show last week joking about “the new Disney,” where a golden Felon Tower appears behind the world-famous fairytale castle.

The prince from The Little Mermaid wants to “grab Ariel by the pussy” and Aladdin disappears in a flash when the ICEstapo arrives.

Once again proving he’s an idiot with the IQ of a tomato, Cankles promised drug costs would drop 1,000%—then claimed a $10 pill would become $20:

“We’re gonna be reducing drug costs over the next year, year and a half… by a thousand percent … it’ll go from $10 to $20 for us.”

Oh Cankles? Um, a 1,000% “reduction” from $10 would take the price to negative $90, meaning Big Pharma would pay patients to take pills.

Kids, this is your brain on stupidity.

The White House Press Secretary Karo-lying Leavitt shared a bizarre post on social media that claimed that an earthquake in Utah on the night of Charlie Kirk’s death was a sign of God’s anger; it reads:

“On the night Charlie was shot, a 4.1 earthquake struck Utah. In scripture, 40 represents trials; 41 signifies a shift. It hit at 5:57 local time, 7:57 Eastern. Acts 7:57 describes Stephen, the first martyr, stoned as the crowd silenced his truth. The Bible says the earth trembles when God is angry. That night, as a voice was silenced, the ground groaned.”

Karo-lying reposted it with:

“Wow.”

As in ‘Wow, I am an idiot.’

Are you tired yet? Well, then ...

Ain't That America VI

Well, what a week it's been in America … we saw the opening of Gator Gitmo, AKA The Felon Concentration Camp … the passage of tax cuts for billionaires and no more healthcare for the lower class … word salads from Demented DonOLD … lying Republicans … traitorous Lisa Murkowski … and some good news from a couple of governors, one even a Republican …

A reporter recently asked The Felon about Gator Gitmo: "Is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here? Days, weeks, months? And does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you just spoke about, being trained and staffed here?"

Demented DonOLD: "What was the first part of your question?"

Reporter: "Is there a specific timeframe you expect the detainees to stay here? Days, weeks, months?"

Demented DonOLD:: "In Florida?"

Reporter: "Yes."

Demented DonOLD:: "I'm gonna spend a lot. Look, this is my home state. I love it. I love your government. I love all the people around—these are all friends of mine. and they know I'm—very well. I'm not surprised that they do so well. they're great—people. Uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time. I feel very comfortable in this state. I'll spend a lot of time here."

Yes, you read that right. He forgets the question as soon as it’s asked and then goes off about living in Florida … 25th Amendment, please, the president Is Deranged.

Wisconsin GOP Representative Derrick Van Orden pushed back on the notion that the GOP always caves to The Felon’s demands:

“The president of the United States didn’t give us an assignment. We’re not a bunch of little bitches around here, okay?”

And then every single Little GOP Bitch, save one, did as ordered.

In 2023, while Kristi Noem AKA Border Barbie was governor of South Dakota, she supplemented her income by accepting a cut of the money she raised for a nonprofit that promotes her political career.

The payment totaled $80,000 in 2023, a boost to her roughly $130,000 government salary. Since the nonprofit is a so-called dark money group—one that’s not required to disclose the names of its donors—the original source of the money remains unknown but the fact is Noem never disclosed the $80,000 payment to the public.

After she was selected to be the Pinup Girl for Concentration Camps, Noem released an accounting of her assets and sources of income from 2023 on but did not include the $80,000, which is a violation of federal ethics requirements.

Border Nazi, Dogkiller, Adulterer, Grifter Liar, Cheat … she’s The Felon in a dress

This week the Environmental Protection Agency [EPA] placed 144 employees on administrative leave and opened an investigation into their decision to sign a letter accusing the current fascist regime of politicizing the agency.

Welcome to totalitarianism.

During a supposedly bipartisan celebration of the 250th anniversary of America’s independence The Felon, started off with this:

“They wouldn’t vote [for the Big Beautiful Bill] only because they hate [me], but I hate them, too, you know? I really do. I hate them. I cannot stand them because I really believe they hate our country.”

The Felon’s team said the event was organized as a non-political celebration designed to bring Americans together and yet The Felon declared that he hates half of the country.

During a recent White House Faith Office conference call, The Felon  suggested that disruptions to the call’s audio might have been part of a deliberate effort to sabotage the event. Later on White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt AKA Bullshit Barbie implied that evil spirits were behind the technological difficulties:

“There is spiritual warfare as we all know. It tried to break up our call today as the president even alluded to.”

Maybe Demented DonOLD forgot to pay the phone bill.

Alaska GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski labeled the process that brought her to vote for the GOP’s Fuck America But Give Cash To Billionaires tax and spending package “agonizing.” Murkowski says she “struggled mightily” with the cuts to Medicaid and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program [SNAP] could have on vulnerable populations.

But then she cut a last-minute deal to offset or exempt some of the costs of the bill for Alaska.

Typical Republican, she got hers and then said, “Fuck the rest of you.”

Apparently there is a new app for your phone:  ICEBlock, a community-driven app that allows you to share and discover location-based reports on ICE without revealing any personal data.

And Border Hitler Tom Homan, along with Border Barbie, Kristi Noem, want CNN punished because they reported the story.

They want to quash the news so …

There’s an app for your phone called ICEBlock, a community-driven app that allows you to share ICE locations without revealing any personal data.

Pass it on.

North Carolina Democratic Governor Josh Stein has vetoed three anti-DEI bills and another measure that in part would target transgender rights.

Stein criticized the GOP-controlled legislature for focusing on these measures while they’ve yet to enact a budget for the fiscal year that started this week.

Republicans are one House seat short of a veto-proof majority. No Democrats voted for the final three anti-DEI measures.

Ohio GOP Governor Mike DeWine decided that state lawmakers went too far in the culture war against LGBTQ+ Ohioans and issued three key vetoes blocking money for youth shelters that use the preferred pronouns of transgender kids; he vetoed a provision to require materials covering sexual orientation or gender identity to be kept in the adult section of libraries, out of sight for children; he vetoed a provision that would limit which flags can fly on state properties to the American flag, Ohio flag, the POW/MIA flag and flags of official state agencies—Pride flags would’ve been prohibited.

All good, though he did sign a ban on Medicaid funding for mental health services for transgender people and a declaration that there are only two genders.

You’re almost there, Mike; so close to being a decent human being but then you stopped short.

Democrat Senator from Virginia, Mark Warner, claims that many GOP Senators are coming to him privately and saying:

“Mark, keep speaking up, You’re our conscience.”

The GOP conscience? That’s a laugh; and Mark Warner should be revealing the names of the GOP asshats.

And there you have it ... another week under the regime. But y'all know what to do ...

The Funny Papers

Jack Ohman, Bruce MacKinnon, Darrin Bell, Rick McKee, Steve Sack, JD Crowe, Bill Day, Pete Kreiner, Bill Bramhall, Nick Anderson, David Fitzsimmons, Mike Luckovich, Pat Bagley, Clay Bennett