It's Monday and I'm ...

Goldie Hawn says that fifty-seven years ago, when she was just twenty, she ALLEGEDLY had an out-of-this-world experience with an extra-terrestrial. She claims  she was in the desert, sleeping in her car when the aliens came upon her and …

“They touched my face, and it felt like the finger of God. It was the most benevolent, loving feeling. This was powerful. It was filled with light.”

Yet it took her fifty-seven years to announce it … like when her career is kind of over and maybe she needs a job?

Kim Kardastrophe has announced the launch of Skims’ Ultimate Nipple Bra in which you can pay $62 for a bra with built-in fake nipples. Kardastrophe says:

“The Earth’s temperature is getting hotter and hotter. The sea levels are rising. The ice sheets are shrinking. And I’m not a scientist, but I do believe everyone can use their skillset to do their part. That’s why I’m introducing a brand-new bra with a built-in nipple—so no matter how hot it is, you’ll always look cold.”

And she’ll always look stupid.

Justin Timberlake is “not at all happy” about what Britney Spears has written in her new memoir about their time together.

I guess being called a pig who forced an abortion on his girlfriend who didn’t want one, and then broke up with her in a two-word text and wrote a song about the breakup called ‘Cry Me A River’ hurts?

Truth always does.

For a hot minute, the broke-ass Tori Spelling had moved out of her $100-a-night motel she was sharing with her five or six kids, and out of the camper they lived in, and moved into a house she rented for $18,000 a month.

Looks like the whole ‘I’m poor’ and can’t afford a house bull shit was just that. But wait, there’s more … 

Tori moved out of her expensive rental just days after settling in because , ALLEGEDLY  man with a gun took a hostage in the house down the street.

Apparently the neighbors were getting more press than Tori and she couldn’t stand it.

Speaking of memoirs, Rebecca Romijn has yet to react to her ex-husband John Stamos’ memoir bombshells  but her husband, Jerry O’Connell, is telling anyone and everyone that Romjin didn’t “get any warning” about being in the book.

Seriously? Your ex-husband writes the story of his life and you’re shocked you’re in it?

Thirst traps.

It's Snarkurday!

I have always found Colin Farrell hot ... even dirty, drunk, sloppy, bordering on Johnny Depp-like messiness, I’ve always found him hot.

Well, Colin was on Ellen this week and played a game called Celebrity Confessions which involves the guest confessing to something in exchange for a $10,000 donation to the charity of their choice.

So, Colin talked about the time he gave his pubes a bad haircut. See, he was about to shoot a sex scene for Tigerland and he asked director Joel Schumacher for pubic hair removal approval ... is that a thing in Hollywood? 

Colin wanted to trim it ... Joel said “Do it.” ... Colin grabbed a beard trimmer from makeup-and-hair and went to town; and then went through town and out of town and all around town.

Suddenly his big bush was a landing strip and, well, his pubic hair did not make their film debut after all.

Note to Colin: Um, I’m pretty handy with a pair of clippers so the next time you’d like to manscape down there, gimme a call. I’d be happy to lend a hand or ... since I’ve seen that video ... two.

Just sayin’.
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This makes my skin crawl, but I’ve got a duty to snark so ... Cindy Rueda, former personal chef to Puff-Daddy-P-Diddy-Sean-Combs-Whatever, has filed a sexual harassment suit saying she was exposed to improper sexual activity and commentary while working in the Diddy manse.

In the complaint, Rueda ALLEGES that she was “regularly summoned by Mr. Combs to prepare and serve entrees and appetizers to him and his guests while Mr. Combs and/or his guests were engaged in or immediately following sexual activity.”

Ooh, Roman Orgy-style? And, Rueda ALLEGES, once when Combs asked her to prepare a “post-coital meal” he asked if she was attracted to his naked body.

I believe she may have hurled on Little Diddy. I would have.

Another time “a male house guest of Combs approached plaintiff in the nude to ask her to look at and admire his genitals after he had engaged in sexual activity with another house guest.”

Perhaps she wasn’t just serving crabs, but checking for them as well?

Rueda—who began working for Diddy but never diddling Diddy in 2015—is also claiming that she was required to work from 9AM until 2:30AM for just $150 a day, and that she traveled with Diddy for no extra pay.

And, she ALLEGES, that a year later when she complained about the long hours, the low pay, and the orgies and meals, she was fired ALLEGEDLY for  stealing a watch she says was given to her by the housekeeper, who found it in the trash.

What? Here’s the deal, girl: if you’re working 17 hours a day and getting just $150, you quit. If you’re working for a man who wants to serve him and his sex-guests an after orgy meal, you quit. If Sean Combs says, “How do you like my junk?” you throw up and then you quit.

You don’t stay for over a year and then bitch when you get canned.

Okurrrrrrrr?
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On last week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were challenged to film a parody of Beverly Hills, 90210 called Beverly Hills, 9021-HO. The scenes were directed and judged by former 90210 stars Tori “Can’t pay my bills” Spelling and Jennie “Where is my career?” Garth.

And during the judging Tori and Jennie proved they are still bitchy mean girls by throwing shade at their 90210 co-star, Tiffani “There used to be an Amber there” Thiessen.

See, while critiquing Aja’s performance—a parody of Tiffani’s character Valerie Malone—Jennie refused to say Tiffani’s name, and Tori replied by calling Tiffani “That which we don’t speak of.”

And here’s why: the fued goes back to 1994 when Tiffani joined the cast in 1994. Things were cold in the beginning, but then warmed up a little and she became good friends with Jennie.  But, when Tori cheated on her first husband, Charlie, with her second husband-to-be, Dean, and then divorced Charlie, Tiffani’s friendship with the Mean Girls fell apart because Tiffani’s best friend was Charlie’s roommate.

And so, apparently, a decade later Tori and Jennie are still Bitter Bettys about it.

Gosh maybe Ryan Murphy can make this into a season of Feud ... or, if not a whole season, at least a very disturbing PSA.

Anyway, as feuds go, I tend to pick a side and I’ll stand with Tiffani because Tiffani has a job on Food Network and so, unlike Tori, she can pay her bills, and unlike Jennie, she’s working. But mainly I fall on Team Tiff because she worked for years on White Collar and got to stand within inches of Matt Bomer and that means we will always be on the same team!

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The list of things Justin Bieber needs to have while he’s on tour—it’s called a ‘rider’—have been exposed by music journalist Arjun S. Ravi, and, well, Bieber's a bigger douche than I originally thought ...

Ravi Tweeted what he claims is Bieber’s rider for his Purpose World Tour in Mumbai this week and it is something. Here now, is what Justin Bieber demands for himself and his entourage of 120 while he’s in India for one single show:

A helicopter to take him from his hotel to the concert venue.

A dressing room draped entirely in white curtains.

A lot of food, like bags of Swedish Fish and sugary cereal.

Ten luxury cars and two buses for his entourage, in addition to a Rolls Royce solely for himself.

Two five-star hotels, with three full floors and a private elevator reserved only for him in one of the hotels.

He will be shipping in his own ping pong table, sofa set, washing machine, and fridge.

He demands purple carnations, 100 hangers, a massage table and a female massage therapist in his room.

He demands that the five-star hotel chefs prepare him 5 special meals a day, each of which is renamed after his songs ...

Never Say Never to Mac’n’Cheese? What Do You Mean There’s No Pie? Love Yourself Like I Love Cheese Pizza?

He also wants a “yoga casket” containing essential oils, books on chakras and yoga asanas.

Oh, and last but assuredly not least, no lilies! I guess he’s a’scurred a’lilies.

Seriously, he out-divas JLo and Mimi and they've been around for half a century.

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So Suicide Squad. Out and gone in a relative flash, but now comes a tale of Jared Leto’s extreme method acting. 

It seems that his Suicide Squad co-star Ike Barinholtz was the recipient of Jared Leto Acting 101.

During an interview with Howard Stern, Ike talked about playing a prison guard in the film and shared a scene with Jared in which Let’s Joker offers to help Ike’s character out with some gambling debts.

Jared played the scene real close to Ike and even planted an unplanned kiss on him, saying and doing several things that were never in the script:

“I do this scene with Jared Leto and he’s supposed to be intimidating me. He comes in ... and he starts squeezing my tits. He’s like [panting and moaning] ‘You’re a big guy’. This is while we’re filming. Then he fucking grabs me and kisses me. On the mouth, full kisses me. I thought, OK, I’m just gonna go with it. But then he’s like, [panting and moaning again] ‘Did someone piss their pants?’ I’m like, now I did because you said I did!”

Man, first I miss out on manscaping Colin Farrell's nether regions and now I lose out on a steamy Leto kiss?

I need to get to Hollywood; I’ve work to do.

Oh, and I'm a whore.
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Beyoncé’s representative is not happy with y’all. In case you’ve forgotten, Beyoncé is still pregnant with her twins, and spends her days posting pictures to Instagram lest the Beyhive come for her.

But, in one photo—up there—it looks as though her lips have been Jolie’d. And as people talked about the visits to the Lip Doctor, Beyoncé’s publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure, lost her damned mind and told anyone and everyone who thinks Beyoncé’s lips look fake to f**k off:

“What do you know about the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s entire body? Please tell me. Did you know that in addition to weight gain there is often a dramatic change in the blood flow in the system and increased fluid causing swelling? Do you know that often women’s gums get swollen? Do you know that it sometimes affects our speech, our ability to chew intently and a host of other things? But the sacrifice to our faces, our feet and our entire bodies is something we welcome because we bring beautiful humans into the world who will one day combat your hate and negativity. I stood silent during Beyoncé’s first pregnancy when you thought it was okay to bully her like the cowards you are, when you accused her of never being pregnant, but I simply cannot this time. You are the saddest individuals and picking on a pregnant lady is tantamount to possessing the coldest, despicable heart. You need to find something else to do with your time and maybe stop by a store that has happiness on sale because you need to buy some.”

Sorry, Yvette. Maybe we didn’t know that, like most women, Beyoncé suffers a little baby weight gain ... in.her.lips.
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Rumors have swirling ever since Chris Rock revealed in a comedy routine that he’d cheated on his ex-wife with three different women, including a big star. And now foils are saying the big star is Scandal’s Kerry Washington.

A source—and it could be Lohan, still trying to get Mean girls: The Musical on Broadway ... in a high school gym, on Broadway—says:

“He was cheating on his wife with Kerry when they were filming [‘I Think I Love My Wife’] about him, ironically, having fantasies of cheating on his wife. That went on for a while, for like six months, and she found out. There’s no gray area.”

Rumors about the Chris-Kerry Tryst have been around since 2007, when Rock was married and Washington was engaged to actor David Moscow who, when asked about the ALLEGED affair, uttered, “No comment.”

Still, some say it was a joke because Chris also said he cheated with a member of Destiny’s Child, but not Beyoncé.

Hmmm, I wonder what Beyoncé’s lips looked like then?
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So, Conrad Hilton, Paris Hilton’s little brother; you thought she was a self-entitled spoiled rich kid, well, she’s got nothing on her baby brother.

Conrad used to date Hunter Salomon, the daughter of actress E.G. Daily—“Dottie” in Pee-Wee Herman’s Big Adventure—and Paris Hilton porn tape co-star Rick Salomon.

This week Conrad was arrested for ALLEGEDLY trying to break into her house—again—last Saturday morning; and, in addition to trying to break into the home, he’s also ALLEGEDLY charged with grand theft auto for stealing E.G.’s ex-husband, and Hunter’s dad, Rick Salomon’s, Bentley from HIS house before the break-in.

Hunter filed a restraining order when they broke up in May of 2015, but Conrad violated it almost at once; this, in fact, is the second time he’s broken into her home, and now E.G. is talking about Conrad’s scary behavior towards her family that has been going on for years. She’s even talked to his parents, Rick and Kathy Hilton, and tried to cut Conrad a break, if he’d just stay away, but, you know, rich, white, drug addicted stalkers are hard to keep at bay.

Especially when they keep getting arrested and yet their bail is set at a measly—by Hilton standards—$60,000.

Oh, and lest we forget what a vile human being Connie Hilton is, he exploded on police who showed up to arrest him for breaking-and-entering in a spree of homophobic slurs, racial epithets and rape accusations, in addition to making even Reese Witherspoon cringe at the ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ of it all:

“I’m Conrad motherf***ing Hilton, don’t you forget it.”

How can we forget you Connie when you keep getting arrested. We’d love to forget you if only your punishment would fit your crimes.
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Now, in sweet news, longtime unmarried lovebirds Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn both got their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; and they are side-by-side. And they gushed about one another in their acceptance speeches:

“Goldie, to you, I owe my wonderful life. Simply put, Goldie, I cherish you. All of the stars in the sky or on the boulevard don’t hold a candle to that.”

Hawn and Russell never tied the knot, and yet they’ve stayed together for 33-years. Russell, accepting his star, joked that it “will be subjected to the constant harshness of the blazing California sun” and “stray dogs of both the canine and human variety — perhaps in need of a little relief.” He said it will “trod upon by the soles of shoes caked with earth from all corners of the world.” And the added:

“There’s no one else I’d rather be next to for all of that than Goldie Hawn.”

Goldie, for her part, began by asking a question:

“Can we just get married? We’ve never had a celebration like this before, but I’m not going to pop the question.”

Sweet. After the sludge above it’s nice to end with sweet, eh?

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Random Musings

I know it’s Flori-duh, but, seriously, what is wrong with the politicians down there?

Joshua Black, a GOP candidate for the Florida House, posted a little something to his Twitter account calling for Barack Obama, the President of the United Sates, to be hanged.

Oh, but he did.

And it generated a lot of buzz, from reTweets, angry response Tweets, a lot of new Twitter followers, an article in the Tampa Bay Times, a call from Anderson Cooper's guest booker, TV interviews and, most importantly, a little visit from some folks I like to call the Secret Service.

Black says that Secret Service representatives were waiting for him at his house while he taped a TV interview, but he insists his Tweet was not a threat, and that saying ‘I’m past impeachment. It's time to arrest and hang him high’ was just his way of expressing outrage over the president killing U.S. citizens with drone attacks and without due process.

At the request of county chairman Michael Guju, Black resigned from the Pinellas County Republican Executive Committee, but dismissed the idea suggested by Florida Governor Rick Scott that he withdraw  his candidacy to represent families of Pinellas County.

"I do not take orders from the governor, I'm staying in the race."

I wonder what he’ll do when he loses.

I’d like to ask y’all — or at least those of you who do it — to stop LOLing.

Seriously. Stop with the Tweets and the Facebook updates and the blog comments where you feel the need to LOL.

I seriously don’t believe that anyone who LOLs is actually Laughing Out Loud at that moment.

It’s on in Russia.

Pavel Lebedev, a protester of Russia’s anti-gay laws, was arrested in Voronezh as the Olympic torchbearer made his way through the city because he ran into the road waving a rainbow flag. Lebedev was taken to the police station "to clarify the circumstances of the incident." Lebedev, a longtime activist against Russia's anti-gay law, who attempted to marry in St. Petersburg last June, may be fined for "violating public order".

Like I said, it’s on.

So, Phil Robertson, that dick from Duck Dynasty, spewed his racist, homophobic venom and folks got outraged by what he said, A&E suspended his show, and then the right backed him up and A&E backed down and then, when the new shows began airing last week they received the lowest number of viewers in its history.

Snap.

The premiere of Duck Dynasty season 5 had 8.5 million viewers, which is kinda huge for a cable show, but down nearly 30% from its record-setting fourth season debut.

The people have spoken by changing the channel.

Good news!

Houston Mayor Annise Parker and her partner of twenty-three years, First Lady Kathy Hubbard, were married last week in Palm Springs.

 “This is a very happy day for us. We have had to wait a very long time to formalize our commitment to each other. Kathy has been by my side for more than two decades, helping to raise a family, nurture my political career and all of the other ups and down and life events that come with a committed relationship. She is the love of my life and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life married to her.”—Annise Parker

Congratulations!

Goldie Hawn is an idiot.

She met the president of Nigeria, who signed a law making the fact that you're gay a crime, and where people are asking to stone The Gays to death, and called him “wonderful”.

Indeed.

You gotta hand it to One Million Moms [OMM]. They protest everything from JC Penney to the Rose Parade to TV shows, and their protests are paying off.

See, the OMM — and really there are about 45,000 of them — recently began protesting the ABC Family show The Fosters, which features a biracial lesbian couple with a household of foster children.

And as a result of their protest, at least according to the people behind The Fosters, that criticism helped the show get off to its strongest start yet when its second season premiered last week.

"A stamp of disapproval from One Million Moms is like a critic’s pick. I'm incredibly grateful for their attention."— Peter Paige, executive producer of the show along with Jennifer Lopez

So, thanks for badmouthing the show, OMM; it helped draw viewers in.

Speaking of TV, we have officially given up on CBS’ new show Intelligence. I started watching the show because it starred dreamy  beefy hot Josh Holloway, but that wasn’t enough to sustain my interest, sadly.

So, I’ll stick with Episodes, on Showtime, and it recent addition of Chris Diamantopoulos as the clinically insane, though terribly hot TV executive; and with PBS’ Sherlock, though not because of the Cumberbatch but because of the cute as a button Martin Freeman. And, I’ll be checking out Starz’ new pirate show, Black Sails simply because of the hothothot pirate Toby Stephens.

I’m shallow like that.

The NRA tends to stay silent in the immediate aftermath of a high-profile shooting incident because, well, what can you say about people being gunned down in colleges and movie theaters that makes any sense at all. But, the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday was a different story; that day called for an NRAS statement.

The NRA enlisted the help of black “commentator” Colion Noir to deliver a video message about how much King loved guns. Noir shifts his message to gun control, pointing out the fact that he was granted a concealed handgun license, while historical record shows that King applied for one and was denied. And then he says some nonsense about how King, even though he “surrounded himself with people with guns” it didn’t stop him from being gunned down by James Earl Ray.

Of course, Noir doesn’t explain how King, if he had been granted a permit to carry a gin, would have survived the shot.

Asshat.

Both California and New Jersey have passed legislation banning gay conversion therapy for minors and it looks like similar legislation is being presented in Virginia.

Delegate Patrick Hope, a Democrat, introduced legislation that would ban so-called “reparative therapies” but also said his ban would not affect religious counseling that does not involve licensed therapists or adults who seek out the therapy on their own. It would bar professional therapists from practicing conversion therapy, which the American Psychiatric Association opposes, on children younger than 18.

Similar bills have been introduced or are forthcoming in Maryland, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Minnesota.

And speaking of Virginia, its GOP anti-gay former Governor Bob McDonnell has been charged with accepting illegal gifts from a local businessman; his wife Maureen was also charged.

Authorities allege that for nearly two years, the McDonnell’s hit up executive Jonnie Williams Sr. again and again, lodging near constant requests for large loans, clothes, trips, golf accessories and private plane rides.

In exchange, authorities allege, the McDonnell’s worked in concert to lend the prestige of the governorship to Williams’ struggling company, a small former cigarette manufacturer that now sells dietary supplements. They said the first couple arranged access for the CEO to top state officials, allowed the historic governor’s mansion to be used for a launch party for his company’s new non-FDA approved pill and attended events designed to boost the company’s prestige with university scientists who might research the company’s product.

The McDonnell’s face 14 felony counts including wire fraud and lying to a financial institution and Maureen McDonnell is additionally charged with obstruction of justice. Naturally McDonnell issued a statement of his innocence:

 “My fellow Virginians, earlier today federal prosecutors notified my attorneys that they have filed criminal charges against me and my wife Maureen, alleging that we violated federal law by accepting gifts and loans from Jonnie Williams, the former CEO of Star Scientific. I deeply regret accepting legal gifts and loans from Mr. Williams, all of which have been repaid with interest, and I have apologized for my poor judgment for which I take full responsibility. However, I repeat emphatically that I did nothing illegal for Mr. Williams in exchange for what I believed was his personal generosity and friendship.”

He wants off because, while he admits to accepting the illegal gifts, he paid them back once people began investigating.

It’s like the time I robbed a bank, and as the police were coming to arrest me, I gave the money back.

Yeah, that didn’t work either.

More from Virginia? And good news?

Well, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring has announced that the state's gay marriage ban is unconstitutional and says he will not defend it in court.

"After a thorough legal review of the matter, Attorney General Herring has concluded that Virginia's current ban is in violation of the U.S. constitution and he will not defend it."—Spokesman Michael Kelly

Herring, who campaigned in part on marriage equality, is planning to a file a brief this week with the federal in Norfolk, where one of the lawsuits is being heard, as notification of the state's change in position in the case.

There are currently two federal marriage equality cases in Virginia; the American Foundation of Equal Rights [AFER] and Ted Olson and David Boies have taken the lead of one case; the other is being handled by Lambda Legal and the American Civil Liberties Union [ACLU].

Thanks Mr. Herring, for standing on the side of equality.