I Didn't Say It ...

Charlize Theron, announcing that her oldest child, Jackson, assigned male at birth, is transgender.

“Yes, I thought she was a boy, too, until she looked at me when she was three years old and said, ‘I am not a boy!' So there you go! I have two beautiful daughters who, just like any parent, I want to protect and I want to see thrive. They were born who they are and exactly where in the world both of them get to find themselves as they grow up, and who they want to be, is not for me to decide. My job as a parent is to celebrate them and to love them and to make sure that they have everything they need in order to be what they want to be. And I will do everything in my power for my kids to have that right and to be protected within that.”

That’s parenting.

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Pete Buttigieg, presidential hopeful, on Michael Elizabeth Pence response to the South Bend mayor’s criticism of the vice president’s use of religion to attack LGBTQ people:

“The Vice President is entitled to his religious beliefs. My problem is when those religious beliefs are used as an excuse to harm other people. That was a huge issue for us in Indiana when he advanced a discriminatory bill in 2015 under the guise of religious freedom, that said it was lawful to discriminate, provided you invoked religion as your excuse. I just believe that’s wrong. This isn’t about him as a human being. This is about policies that hurt people, policies that hurt children. To this day, he has not brought himself to say that it shouldn’t be legal to discriminate against people in this country because they’re LGBT. In most parts of this country you can still be fired, denied housing, denied service because of who you are. He seems to be okay with that. I would love to see him evolve on that issue. … My quarrel with the vice president is over that.”

And yet Michael Elizabeth and Mother keep spinning it as an attack on their faith.

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Richard Grenell, the gay conservative U.S. Ambassador to Germany, comparing Pete Buttigieg to Jussie Smollett, and saying Mayor Pete’s statements about Mike Pence’s anti-gay actions as governor are false:

“Mayor Pete has been pushing this hate hoax, along the lines of Jussie Smollett, for a very long time now, several weeks. And I find it really ironic that Mayor Pete stayed silent about the so-called hate hoax on him and others during 2015, 2016, 2017 when Mike Pence was governor. There was total silence. It’s ironic that right about now when he’s starting his fundraising apparatus to run for president that he comes up with this idea and this attack One of the things that really bothers me about this attack is that Mike Pence is a friend of mine. Mike and Karen are great people, they’re godly people, they’re followers of Christ. They don’t have hate in their heart for anyone. They know my partner. They have accepted us. Now you ask me do we agree philosophically on every single issue? No ... I don’t agree with my partner on everything. The gay community used to be the community pushing tolerance and diversity. We were the ones that were saying everyone should be able to love and accept each other. Now suddenly there’s a whole community of people demanding that we all think alike. I think it’s outrageous. When Mayor Pete came out the vice president complimented him and said he holds him in high regard. The vice president or then governor has said nothing but positive things about Mayor Pete. I think this is a total hate hoax and I think it’s outrageous.”

The last thing we need is some gay man trying to spin Michael Elizabeth and Mother Pence as “great people” when everyone, everyone, knows that Pence has done damage, or tried to damage, the LGBTQ community, often using his  ALLEGED  faith as a reason.

Running for Congress in 2000, Pence was in favor of sending money allocated to care for people with HIV/AIDS to organizations that provide conversion therapy; Pence ran a think-tank that published virulently anti-gay articles; Pence refused to protect LGBT Hoosiers from discrimination; Pence legalized anti-LGBT discrimination in Indiana; Pence supported a ban on gay marriage, and condemned the ‘mainstreaming of homosexuality in the military’ after DADT was repealed.

So, Dick Grennell, I call you that because you are a dick, the Pence’s are not good people; they use their faith as a weapon and for you as a gay man to stand idly by and do and say nothing is disgusting,

Fuck off.

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Pete Buttigieg, presidential hopeful, on CNNs Town Hall this week, responding to Grenell:

“I’m not a master fisherman, but I know bait when I see it and I’m not going to take it.”

Bam! Don’t suffer the fools, Pete!

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John Oliver, on _____ and the Mueller Report:

“F**ked. He said I’m f**ked. And while we obviously don’t know whether _____ will face any repercussions from this report, I’d just like to live a little longer in the moment of him saying, ‘This is the end of my presidency. I’m f**ked.’ I’d like to take some artistic license to fully paint that scene for you. _____, upon learning Robert Mueller was appointed, slumping back in his chair. Meanwhile, Ivanka is playing fetch with Don Jr., Eric’s tongue is stuck to a somehow frozen flagpole. Reince Priebus is walking around with his head inside a honeypot. Jared is standing motionless directly in front of a blank wall. Steve Bannon is stress-eating a bowl of used syringes. And Stephen Miller is gleefully pulling the legs off a spider. While _____ says those beautiful words as tears run down his cheeks, ‘this is the end of my presidency. I’m f**ked.’ And right at that very moment, a pigeon flies into the room and sh*ts in his mouth. It is a masterpiece.”

It’s like Oliver was there!

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Rex Tillerson, former secretary of state, saying he frequently had to push back on requests from_____ because they violated the law:

“So often, the president would say here’s what I want to do and here’s how I want to do it and I would have to say to him: ‘Mr President, I understand what you want to do but you can’t do it that way. It violates the law,’ I’d say here’s what we can do. We can go back to Congress and get this law changed. And if that’s what you want to do, there’s nothing wrong with that. I told him I’m ready to go up there and fight the fight, if that’s what you want to do.”

Tillerson was removed from his position in March and replaced by Mike Pompeo who recently said God wants _____ to be president.

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Will Rossi and Rob Masi, a gay couple photographed at Coachella last week with disgraced former Congressman Aaron Schock, distancing themselves from him:

“[We] wanted to take a photo with our friends at Coachella, to celebrate our last day there. Being polite, we allowed Aaron—who was basically a stranger to us and someone we just met—to include himself in our photo. We would not have allowed Aaron to join the photo, nor would we have associated with him if we had more knowledge of his beliefs and past actions. For our own political ignorance, we are deeply sorry. We hope Aaron does decide to come out publicly and live the gay life he so freely enjoyed at Coachella, the kind of life so many out and proud LGBTQ individuals have fought for and have made possible for younger gays like [us] to live today. And we hope if or when Aaron does decide to come out and own his actions, he apologizes and makes amends with the LGBTQ community, because he certainly owes us one.”

Hmmm, I’m kinda suspicious, because surely someone, anyone, within earshot of this couple would have said something about Aaron’s self-loathing actions against the LGBTQ community.

I think it’s all very, Oops we got caught with the homophobic closeted hot guy, let’s cover our tracks.

I’m a cynic like that.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Sarah Huckabee Sanders,  White House Press Liar, on  how she’d like to be remembered:

“I hope that it will be that I showed up every day and I did the very best job that I could to put forward the president’s message [and did] the best job that I could to answer questions. To be transparent and honest throughout that process and do everything I could to make America a little better that day than it was the day before.”

First off, you wanna be remembered for “showing up”? Big goals, girl.

Secondly, go away first and then see how you’re remembered.

Thirdly, that whole honest and transparent thing? Bitch.Please.

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John Brennan, former CIA Director, on _____’s saying allegations of campaign finance violations were just a “private transaction”:

“Whenever you send out such inane tweets, I take great solace in knowing that you realize how much trouble you are in & how impossible it will be for you to escape American justice. Mostly, I am relieved that you will never have the opportunity to run for public office again.”

Preach!

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Barbara Bollier, Kansas GOP state Senator, announced she is now a Democrat due to the anti-transgender language in the Republican Party platform:

“Morally, the party is not going where my compass resides. I’m looking forward to being in a party that represents the ideals that I do, including Medicaid expansion and funding our K-12 schools.” 

Bollier had been publicly at odds with GOP leadership in recent months because of her support of Democrats Tom Niermann and Laura Kelly in the Kansas 3rd Congressional District and gubernatorial elections, and so the Republicans in the state house stripped her of her committee assignments.

Cuz they’re hate-filled bitches, you know.

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Rex Tillerson, former Secretary of State, on _____:

“What was challenging for me coming from the disciplined, highly process-oriented Exxon Mobil corporation to go to work for a man who is pretty undisciplined, doesn’t like to read, doesn’t read briefing reports, doesn’t like to get into the details of a lot of things, but rather just kind of says, ‘This is what I believe.’ So often, the president would say, ‘Here’s what I want to do, and here’s how I want to do it’ and I would have to say to him, ‘Mr. President, I understand what you want to do, but you can’t do it that way. It violates the law.”

I’d have a bit more respect for Tillerson if he’d spoken up sooner.

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_____, Tweeting his innocence in the Russia probe … again:

“Democrats can’t find a Smocking [sic] Gun tying the _____ campaign to Russia after James Comey’s testimony. No Smocking [sic] Gun…No Collusion …That’s because there was NO COLLUSION. So now the Dems go to a simple private transaction, wrongly call it a campaign contribution,…….which it was not (but even if it was, it is only a CIVIL CASE, like Obama’s – but it was done correctly by a lawyer and there would not even be a fine. Lawyer’s liability if he made a mistake, not me). Cohen just trying to get his sentence reduced. WITCH HUNT!”

God, desperation is an ugly thing, especially on a bloated orange blob who can’t effing spell.

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Donny Deutsch, mocking, or is it smocking, _____’s “pathetic” tweeting on Morning Joe:

“He’s probably watching now as he’s eating his Count Chocula. He knows a ‘smocking’ gun is pointed at him. These tweets will become more and more imbecilic, they’re going to make less and less sense. He’ll talk to his 30 percent, 35 percent — ‘take to the streets they are trying to get rid of your president.’ That’s all that’s left for him. You’re going to see unhinged like we’ve never seen before. He feels it, you can see he feels it — it’s pathetic.”

That’s the _____ presidency in a word: pathetic.

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Kathy Griffin, keeping that whole ‘woe is me’ thing alive:

“Yes, I took a photo that changed my life irrevocably. That was one thing. Because the walls caved in on me, and the accidental president – it’s an accident– he tweeted at me that, you know, my– he tweeted against me, which made everything cancel in my life, basically. I was in the middle of a 50-city tour, and within 12 hours I had not one single day of work ahead of me. And, by the way, to this day, I do not have one single day of paid work ahead of me. So I’ve been digging myself out of this rabbit hole for last year and a half. And the next day I got a call from one of my attorneys that the Department of Justice – and a lot of people don’t know this part – were putting me under a two-month federal investigation and considering charging me with the crime of – this is real – conspiracy to assassinate the president of the United States. So a lot of people thought you know I got a call from the Secret Service or got in fake Hollywood trouble. But, no, this is real-life trouble…I was on the no-fly list for two months. So then they wanted me to go downtown to the police precinct and they wanted get video of what’s called the perp walk. And this was coming – I’m assuming – directly from the Oval Office and Jeff Sessions. That’s where your tax dollars went, everybody, investigating Kathy Griffin. Mr. Cooper said I was disgusting, and I lost about 75% of my friends that never came back. And it was hard.”

I used to lime Griffin. I think she’s smart. But I don’t think she knew the picture would have the effect it did, but when it did, she whipped out the victim card.

And has been running with it ever since.

Siddown.

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Camila Cabello, singer, on rumors she would play Maria in Steven Spielberg’s upcoming West Side Story reboot: 

“I don’t think so… I know exactly who I am, and I know what I want to do. I’m just not ready to give up that voice for something else right now.”

Bitch, please; you expect anyone to believe that Steven Spielberg asked you to star in one of his films, and you were all, ‘I think I have something better to do.’

Take a seat; the clock is ticking down on your fifteen minutes.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Mo Brooks, a Republican Congressman from Alabama, because of course, on the cause of rising sea levels:

“Every time you have that soil or rock or whatever it is that is deposited into the seas, that forces the sea levels to rise, because now you have less space in those oceans, because the bottom is moving up.”

Brooks then said the California coastline and the White Cliffs of Dover tumble into the sea every year, and that contributes to sea-level rise.

Seriously; a grown-assed, ALLEGEDLY intelligent man, said this.

Damn those White Cliff of Dover for ruining our planet!

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Rex Tillerson, former Secretary of State, fired by Tweet, the commencement address today at the Virginia Military Institute:

“If our leaders seek to conceal the truth, or we as people become accepting of alternative realities that are no long grounded in facts, then we as American citizens are on a pathway to relinquishing our freedom. A responsibility of every American citizen to each other is to preserve and protect our freedom by recognizing what truth is and is not, what a fact is and is not. Begin by holding ourselves accountable to truthfulness and demand our pursuit of America’s future be fact-based – not based on wishful thinking, not hoped-for outcomes made in shallow promises – but with a clear-eyed view of the facts as they are, and guided by the truth that will set us free to seek solutions to our most daunting challenges. When we as people, a free people, go wobbly on the truth, even on what may seem the most trivial of matters, we go wobbly on America.”

Huh. I wonder who he might be talking about.

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Ryan Murphy, announcing that all profits from his new show on the 1980s New York ballroom scene, Pose, will be donated towards Transgender and LGBTQ communities:

“I am donating 100 percent of my profits from my new FX show POSE towards trans and LGBTQ charitable organizations. These groups do amazing work and need our support. Every day for the next 14 days I will highlight a group I’m supporting, and encourage you to do the same!”

Good for him. Hopefully the show is successful and lots of coins come forth!

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Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, on the assertion by China, during trade talks, that American beef was tainted with mad cow disease:

“I pointed out to them that both the president and I eat quite a lot of American beef. And other than the fact that we’re in public office, there are no signs of mental instability as a result.”

Sorry, Wilbur, both you and the Fat Bastard are mad as hatters.

And dumb, too.

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Andrew Garfield, starring in the Broadway revival of Tony Kushner’s Angels in America, on Miss Vanjie’s now iconic exit from RuPaul’s Drag Race:

“I was so disappointed to see Miss Vanjie go – as everyone was. And that exit is like one of the iconic moments…I believe…of Drag Race history… What the hell was that?  Were you taken over by a divine entity? It’s hypnotized the culture. She was channeling, there was something…Bruce Springsteen and Miss Vanjie, I feel changed by so far this year – maybe Miss Vanjie slightly more profoundly.”

Carlos and I cannot get enough of "Miss Vanjie ... Miss Vanjie ... Miss Vanjie."

We use it all the time!

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Deadpool, crashing Stephen Colbert’s Late Show monologue: 

“And President Trump spent the day complaining on Twitter about leaks inside the White House, because we all know Trump prefers his leaks inside of Russian hotel rooms. You get it, Stephen? Because the president watched two Russian prostitutes urinate on a hotel-room mattress?”

Listen to Deadpool.

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Jason Statham, apologizing now for his tirade … if he said it:

“Someone approached me claiming to have a tape of me using terms offensive to the LGBTQ community during a conversation I had with my producing partner, on a movie set five years ago. I have never heard the recording and my multiple requests to hear the recording have been refused. I have no recollection of making any of these offensive comments. However, let me be clear, the terms referenced are highly offensive. If I said these words, it was wrong and I deeply apologize. Anyone who knows me knows it doesn’t reflect how I feel about the LGBTQ community. While I cannot fix what was said in the past, I can learn from it and do better in the future.”

This is what ALLEGEDLY said that day:

“Stop acting like a f***ing fag. I hate that faggity f***ing shit. Talking, whispering …you guys are acting like a bunch of f***ing faggots. If you want to tell me something don’t wait till I do 15 f***ing takes before you say something. Stop being a f**king fag and be more assertive…. I just hate that f***ing faggity behaviour f***ing faggity shit… f***ing fags, I just hate that s***.”

I wonder how someone can forget that kind of tirade.

But I hope that if Statham did say these things he’s learned that being a dick doesn’t pay.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Janelle Monáe, comes out as pansexual:

“Being a queer black woman in America, someone who has been in relationships with both men and women – I consider myself to be a free-ass motherfucker … but then later I read about pansexuality and was like, ‘Oh, these are things that I identify with too.’ I’m open to learning more about who I am.”

Who you are is who you are.

Welcome out to that!

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_____, going cray on FOX & Friends about Comey, his GOP=led DOJ, Ronnie Jackson and, well, read through the lunacy:

“[Comey] said I didn’t stay the night. Of course I stayed there. I stayed there a very short time, well of course I stayed. His memo said I left immediately. I never said that! I never said I left immediately, and you know the funny thing, he does these memos, and then fake news CNN, who’s a total FAKE, you know they give Hillary Clinton the questions to the debate. Can you imagine, by the way, if you gave me the questions to a debate. They would have YOU out of business and they would have ME you better get out of this campaign, they don’t even bring it up. I mean, CNN. FAKE NEWS CNN they actually gave the questions to the debate … think about it. How bad is that? So anyway, Comey leaked, and by the way also, what he did with CNN in order to placate them, you saw that whole scenario. This is a big mistake, this book. He is GUILTY of crimes. And if we had a Justice Department that was doing their job, instead of spending 10 millions dollars … Because of the fact that they have this WITCH HUNT going on with people in the Justice Department who shouldn’t be there. They have a WITCH HUNT against the president of the United States going on. I’ve taken the position – and I don’t have to take this position and maybe I’ll change – that I will not be involved with the Justice Department. I will wait till this is over. It’s a total – it’s all lies and it’s a horrible thing that’s going on. It’s a horrible thing, and yet I’ve accomplished with all of this going on – more than any president in the first year in our history … These are false accusations [against Jackson]. They’re trying to destroy a man. I did say, ‘Welcome to Washington. Welcome to the swamp.’”

Lord. Talk about unhinged. Sarah Palin couldn't have tossed a better word salad!

And this was on Fox!!!

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Mick Mulvaney, interim director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, revealed that, as a congressman, he would meet only with lobbyists if they had contributed to his campaign:

“We had a hierarchy in my office in Congress. If you’re a lobbyist who never gave us money, I didn’t talk to you. If you’re a lobbyist who gave us money, I might talk to you.”

And that, ladies and gentleladies, is what’s wrong with Washington.

Pay the coins and you get heard.

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Adam Rippon, Olympic skater, at the Time 100 Gala leaving the audience howling:

 “I’m really able to be who I am very effortlessly. I met Nicole Kidman earlier tonight and she even let me smell her husband. If it wasn’t for the words that my mom told me, ‘Never give up on your dreams,’ I would never have had that experience.”

Urban admitted later that Rippon really did get a whiff and when he was asked what fragrance he was wearing, Urban said, “My wife!”

Love it!

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Rex Tillerson, on who was responsible for his being fired:

“Mm-hmm when you say ‘the White House,’ who are you talking about? The White House is comprised of how many people? But people that matter, people that might have an interest in whether I stay or leave, there’s about one hundred and sixty of them. I know who it is. I knowwho it is. And they know I know.”

It’s Jared; quiet criminal Jared. According to multiple individuals, before Tillerson’s departure, tensions between the two men had been flaring regularly.

And _____ went with Ivanka’s hubby.

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Sean Hannity, on the news that he  created multiple shell companies to invest millions in low income housing through an Obama-era loan program now overseen by HUD Secretary Ben Carson—and Hannity never disclosed those deals when Carson appeared on his show:

“It is ironic that I am being attacked for investing my personal money in communities that badly need such investment and in which, I am sure, those attacking me have not invested their money. The fact is, these are investments that I do not individually select, control, or know the details about; except that obviously I believe in putting my money to work in communities that otherwise struggle to receive such support. I have never discussed with anybody at HUD the original loans that were obtained in the Obama years, nor the subsequent refinance of such loans, as they are a private matter. I had no role in, or responsibility for, any HUD involvement in any of these investments. I can say that every rigorous process and strict standard of improvement requirements were followed; all were met, fulfilled and inspected. The LLC’s are REAL companies that spend real investment money on real properties.”

Wow, someone’s really angry. D’ya think he has something to hide?

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Thomas Roberts, former NBC anchor, offering more proof that _____  lied to James Comey about not spending the night in Moscow on Pee Weekend:

“The first time I met Donald _____ it was in Moscow on November 8th, 2013. I taped a sit-down interview with _____ the next day on November 9th. That was also the date for the Miss Universe broadcast. During the after-party for the Miss Universe event, Mr. _____ offered to fly me and my husband back to New York. He said he would be leaving directly from the party. We were unable to accept the invitation. That was the early morning hours of November 10th.”

Seriously, every time ____ opens his mouth a lie falls out.

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Barack Obama, in an open letter to Parkland survivors:

“America’s response to mass shootings has long followed a predictable pattern. We mourn. Offer thoughts and prayers. Speculate about the motives. And then—even as no developed country endures a homicide rate like ours, a difference explained largely by pervasive accessibility to guns; even as the majority of gun owners support commonsense reforms—the political debate spirals into acrimony and paralysis. This time, something different is happening. This time, our children are calling us to account. The Parkland, Florida, students don’t have the kind of lobbyists or big budgets for attack ads that their opponents do. Most of them can’t even vote yet. But they have the power so often inherent in youth: to see the world anew; to reject the old constraints, outdated conventions and cowardice too often dressed up as wisdom.The power to insist that America can be better.

Seared by memories of seeing their friends murdered at a place they believed to be safe, these young leaders don’t intimidate easily. They see the NRA and its allies—whether mealymouthed politicians or mendacious commentators peddling conspiracy theories—as mere shills for those who make money selling weapons of war to whoever can pay. They’re as comfortable speaking truth to power as they are dismissive of platitudes and punditry. And they live to mobilize their peers. Already, they’ve had some success persuading statehouses and some of the biggest gun retailers to change. Now it gets harder. A Republican Congress remains unmoved. NRA scare tactics still sway much of the country. Progress will be slow and frustrating.

But by bearing witness to carnage, by asking tough questions and demanding real answers, the Parkland students are shaking us out of our complacency. The NRA’s favored candidates are starting to fear they might lose. Law-abiding gun owners are starting to speak out. As these young leaders make common cause with African Americans and Latinos—the disproportionate victims of gun violence—and reach voting age, the possibilities of meaningful change will steadily grow.

Our history is defined by the youthful push to make America more just, more compassionate, more equal under the law. This generation—of Parkland, of Dreamers, of Black Lives Matter—embraces that duty. If they make their elders uncomfortable, that’s how it should be. Our kids now show us what we’ve told them America is all about, even if we haven’t always believed it ourselves: that our future isn’t written for us, but by us.”

This is how a president talks …

Sadly, our current Liar-In-Thief is too busy sucking Wayne LaPierre’s dick.

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The Funny Papers

Nate Beeler, Pat Bagley, Tim Campbell, Jim Morin, John Cole, Kevin Siers, Bill Day, David Horsey, RJ Matson, Steve Sack