The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Joe Heller, Mike Thompson, Gary Huck, Lalo Alcaraz, Bill Bramhall, Steve Breen, Nick Anderson, Ed Wexler, Matt Wuerker, Dennis Goris, Clay Bennett, Pat Bagley, Bill Day

This Bitch: Ronna McDaniel

Ronna McDaniel, the chair of the Republican National Committee called out the New York Times last week after the newspaper quoted her accurately:

“This story from the New York Times is completely false. It’s not journalism, it’s the worst type of baseless political propaganda.”

Yes, they quoted what she said, and she wants a retraction.

The story in question is about the RNC’s censure of Representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, over their presence on the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot. The censure resolution issued by the RNC accused the two of:

“[P]articipating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse.”

In fact. That’s the very language Ronna McDaniel This Bitch herself used in a statement; here are her exact words:

“Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger crossed a line. They chose to join Nancy Pelosi in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens who engaged in legitimate political discourse that had nothing to do with violence at the Capitol.”

Any fool who believes that busting into a federal building through broken windows and busted doors, trashing and stealing private property, defecating on walls, crying out to “Hang Mike Pence” and screaming for Nancy Pelosi’s blood is “legitimate political discourse” does not understand the meaning of the words she said, and then demanded that the New York Times  retract.

PS On the heels of this asshatted move by McDaniel, the GOP celebrated Black History Month by touting the “record number of Black Republicans running for office and winning at all levels” both “local and federal office.” The number of Black Republicans running? Forty.

That’s less than one candidate per state. In fact, the numbers show that there are over 500,000 local and federal elected positions in the US, with 537 being President, Vice President, and all members of Congress, another 7,000 state legislators nationwide, 50 governors and over 493,000 local elected officials.

Touting forty of those as Black Republicans means that the GOP is fine with .008% of all elected positions being held by Black people.

This Bitch and That Party.

Vote Blue.

Bobservations

This week, eating breakfast and watching GMA, there was a story about Facebook doing an online graduation ceremony for 2020 high school seniors.

Oprah Winfrey will be the commencement speaker … gag … and Awkwafina, Jennifer Garner, Lil Nas X and Simone Biles , among others would speak. And Miley Cyrus will perform her “inspirational” song, ‘The Climb.’ Carlos, with his Absent-minded Professor ears on, said:

“Decline? What? Is her credit card declined?”

And began singing:

“♫ ♪ I’m declined! I’m declined ♪ ♫”

I said:

“Honeybunch? It’s ‘The Climb,’ not ‘I’m Declined.’”

“Oh.”

More Carlos … yesterday, right after eating his breakfast, Tuxedo threw up on a kitchen rug. As we have a standing rule that I take care of what goes into the cats, and Carlos takes care of what comes out, he cleaned up.

As he bitched and whined and moaned—far, far less than I would have had the situation been reversed—I suggested we change his middle name to VomitCleaner. He said:

“I already go by that name.”

And he ain’t wrong.

Tuxedo seems to relish the fact that Carlos and I are in lockdown because now he has company …

The homeowners’ association for Fisher Island, an exclusive enclave near Miami that recently bought enough COVID-19 antibody tests for every single resident and worker on the island, has been approved for a $2 million loan through a federal program intended to help small businesses survive the COVID-19 pandemic.

It wasn’t immediately clear how the Fisher Island Community Association—the master homeowners’ group for the wealthiest ZIP code in the country—plan to use the money.

The rich get all the breaks.

Go figure … Right after asking the federal government to expand the use of its lone FDA-approved drug to coronavirus patients, Jaguar Health has more than tripled the price of the drug.  They say the need to drastically raise the price during the height of a pandemic to stave off the company’s collapse.

Earlier this year, the list price of a 60-pill bottle of Mytesi—an antidiarrheal medication which may help with the virus—was $668.52. On April 9, as more and more people were dying, Jaguar Health raised the price to $2,206.52 a bottle.

The rich get richer and the poor … die.

After closing down and sending students home due to the COVID-19 crisis, West Point is being forced to bring 1,000 cadets back to its campus—an epicenter for the virus—so _____ Trump can deliver a commencement address.

West Point had postponed its commencement, and school officials were unsure whether to hold one, until _____ announced that he would be speaking there.  Why. You may ask? Jealousy.

Last Friday, the day before Michael Elizabeth Pence was to speak at the Air Force commencement ceremony in Colorado, _____ abruptly announced that he would, in fact, be speaking at West Point. That was news to everyone, including officials at West Point, who been looking at the option of a delayed presidential commencement in June, But now, with _____ feeling butt-hurt that Pence is getting press, West Point has called back 1,000 cadets.

For the ego of _____.

The New York Times ran a few stories on the lunacy of Fox News’ chief asshat, Sean Hannity. And because he was butt-hurt about it, Hannity had his attorney Flying Monkey, Charles Harder, demand an apology or a retraction.

It all began with a piece by Ginia Bellafante about Brooklyn bar owner, Joe Joyce, who took a cruise to Spain in March, and later contracted the coronavirus and died. Now, while it is not clear that Joyce contracted the virus in Spain, his daughter Kristen Mider told Bellafante that her father watched Fox News and believed the coronavirus was under control because Hannity said so. Bellafante said that Hannity "went on air proclaiming that he didn’t like the way that the American people were getting scared 'unnecessarily.' He saw it all, he said, 'as like, let’s bludgeon Trump with this new hoax.' " 

Except it isn’t a hoax, and the shoddy, biased, half-assed vomitous mouth droppings that Hannity passes off as news may have led to a man’s death. And so, when Harder demanded an apology, and NYT legal counsel David E. McCraw responded:

"The columns are accurate, do not reasonably imply what you and Mr. Hannity allege they do, and constitute protected opinion. In response to your request for an apology and retraction …

… our answer is 'no.’”

No.

Yes, in the midst of a pandemic that is far from over, the White gift shop is now selling COVID-19 coins, emblazoned with things like:

“WE FOUGHT THE UNSEEN ENEMY” … “Everyday Heroes” … “President Donald J, _____, Vice President Michael R. Pence, Secretary S. Mnuchin, Drs. Jerome Adams, Deborah Birx, Anthony Fauci.”

The coins regularly cost $125 but buy now and you get one for $100. And, to sweeten the pot, 20% of the proceeds are donated each day to U.S. Hospitals including Johns Hopkins for its COVID-19 Coordination and Tracking.

I wonder where the other 80% goes.

I need some hot men, and a Husband In My Head now, so let’s go with Matt Bomer, who responded to a viral meme featuring a lineup of white guys—Cheyenne Jackson, Finn Wittrock, Max Greenfield, and Wes Bentley—all cast as leading men by producer Ryan Murphy, with @vintagehols saying:

“i could not name one of these men if someone put a gun to my head.”

First off, I could, and did; take that! But Matt gets the award for best Retort because he tweeted back:

“I love all of these men and their unique talents. But if you’re going to line us up and objectify us every few months like Ryan Murphy’s version of a Hitchcock blonde...then I’ve got dibs on Grace Kelly.”

And then, because he’s not just a pretty face, Bomer followed that tweet with one soliciting donations to CenterLink, a coalition of more than 250 LGBTQ community centers from 45 states, Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, as well as Canada, China, Mexico, and Australia:

“While you're figuring out who's who click on this link and donate to Centerlink and support LGBTQ youth around the country who need a place to live, eat, and find safety right now. Even 50 cents helps!”

Hot and compassionate.

Yes, please.

So, we’re watching some movies here in Lockdown and there are some hot mens traipsing across the screen, like—clockwise:

Corey Stall, who fulfills my sexy bald man fantasy, and will be co-starring on the new season of Billions.

Nicholas Pinnock, who is giving me Denzel Washington with an extra dose of hotness, while starring in For Life.

Martin Freeman, who played Watson to Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock on PBS, and is now starring in the offbeat comedy Breeders.

And comedian Jermaine Fowler, who was one of the first celebrity contestants on RuPaul's Secret Celebrity Drag Race and played Kevina Hart—brilliantly—in Snatch Game.

I do like a bowl of Man Candy in the morning.

Tuesday Thought #1

The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder,Deb Milbrath, Matt Wuerker, Jim Morin, Darrin Bell, Nick Anderson, Kevin Siers, Drew Sheneman, Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Steve Sack, Adam Zyglis

The Spy Who ... Is Dumb As A Stump

Oh, this is juicy … the FBI has investigated _____ because they believed he may have been secretly[?] working on behalf of the Kremlin.

_____ is a spy? I thought he was just Putin’s bitch. as the “most insulting article” ever written about him.

And _____, who called the New York Times story on his ALLEGED spy duties the “most insulting thing he’s ever read” …or had read to him, because the Fat Bastard doesn’t actually read, took his indignance over to Fox News and his lapdog, Jeanine Pirro. who pointedly asked him “are you now or have you ever worked for Russia.” And _____ didn’t actually answer.

But then he said this:

“I haven’t actually left the White House for months.”

You know, not counting that trip to the border this week, or the trip to Iraq a couple of weeks ago, or Mar-a-Lago, or his campaign rallies, the G20 summit to visit the California fire scenes.

Maybe they have a dummy they send out to do those kinds of things, but then how could anyone tell one dummy from the real thing?

But then there’s this …

Apparently _____ has gone to extraordinary measures to conceal the details of his conversations with, and possible snuggle time, Vladi­mir Putin, including the time he physically took the notes of his own interpreter and then instructing the man not to discuss what _____ and Putin had spoken about, even with members of his own administration.

That sounds kinda like a spy, though, doesn’t it? I mean, a stupid spy, but a spy nonetheless.

Random Musings

Only in Miami:
Tomas Lopez is a lifeguard on Hallandale Beach, and, while on duty one day, he was informed that a man down the beach was drowning. Tomas ran down the beach and saved the man's life.
And then he was fired for doing so.
See,  Jeff Ellis and Associates, the lifeguard company for whom Tomas Lopez worked, says Lopez broke a company rule by saving a man who was not in Lopez' specific section of beach, and his doing so could have put beach goers in his section in jeopardy.
Save a life, lose your job.
Only in Miami.
Now, before y'all start saying he left his post, and therefore left his own section of beach unprotected, what would you say, and what would Jeff Ellis and Associates says, if someone had come to Lopez and said a man was drowning and Lopez said, "Too bad. He's not on my beach."
Yeah.

Last week Carlos and I went up to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill because he was speaking to a group of Advanced Placement high school seniors from around the country about HIV and AIDS.
Wow, that was a mouthful.
At any rate. We'd been up to UNC before, but still Carlos had printed a map and was to be my co-pilot. Trouble is Carlos reading a map is like me reading a map.....in Spanish.
Turns were missed. U-turns made. Threats of bodily harm ensued. I apologized for said threats.
But my favorite part was when we were coming to the obligatory fork in the road and the sign pointing left said "UNC."
Carlos: Go right.
Bob: But the campus is to the left.
Carlos: Go right.
Bob: But the sign says UNC left.
Carlos: Go right.
So I veer right.
Carlos: This is wrong. 
Goddess love him.

TV.
"Web Therapy" with Lisa Kudrow is back.
It is totally funny.
And it's  totally improvised.
And, seriously, with guest stars like Rosie O'Donnell, Meryl Streep, and Alan Cumming in the first episode, what's not to love?
Last night, Meryl, as a gay conversion therapist was a hoot.
And Rosie, as a Bible thumping executive assistant was a holler.


Funny Tweet:

So, we've all heard about Karen Klein, the 68-year-old grandmother and bus monitor who was bullied by a pack of rabid  7th graders. And we've all had our opinions over what should be done to those little cretins.
The Rochester school district has meted out its punishment to Klein's abusers: One year suspension and 50 hours of community service: 
"Following individual meetings this week with school and district administrators, each family waived their right to a hearing and agreed to one-year suspensions from school and regular bus transportation.,"
The students will be transferred to the district Reengagement Center, and each one of them will be required to complete 50 hours of community service with senior citizens and must take part in a formal bullying prevention program.
Let's say that again: they have been suspended for ONE YEAR from school, and for ONE YEAR from bus transportation to and from school, which means the little bullies Mommies and Daddies will have to schlep their little monsters to school and back.
AND they'll work for fifty hours at a senior citizens center.
I like it. I hope they learn something.

Books:
I'm reading Joan Rivers' latest, I Hate Everyone....Starting with Me.
It's rude, offensive and highly politically incorrect.
It is also high-high-larious. For example:

I hate guests who don't tell you they have special dietary needs: I threw a fabulous dinner party once for a well-known actor who shall remain nameless: Matthew Modine. He arrived and said, "My wife is a vegan. She doesn't eat anything with eyes." I said, "You must have a shitty sex life."

Seriously. Laugh out loud funny.

Leave it to the New York Times to break this bombshell wide open:

Gay men are flocking to see "Magic Mike".

Male stripper say what?

Seriously, are they really surprised. Hot men dancing and grinding and stripping?

What's not to love. And, if you're real careful, and hold your hand just so, you can physically block out any image of women in the film, so it's all guys, all the time.

Seriously, NYT, is it that slow a news day?

By the way: Husband-In-My-Head, Matt Bomer, looks good!

Snap.

Quote Of The Day: Gavin Newsom

"I want him to succeed. But I am very upset by what he’s not done in terms of rights of gays and lesbians. I understand it tactically in a campaign, but at this point I don’t know. There is some belief that he actually doesn’t believe in same-sex marriage. But it’s fundamentally inexcusable for a member of the Democratic Party to stand on the principle that separate is now equal, but only on the basis of sexual orientation. We’ve always fought for the rights of minorities and against the whims of majorities."

Gavin Newsom in a New York Times piece by Maureen Dowd.

full article HERE